Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Page 3 of 17

Be anything

Before we can tell people they can be or do anything. We need to tell them that they can and are allowed to struggle to be or do anything. Once we accept the struggle and embrace the emotions that come with it instead of hiding them to be “stronger”, then we can become stronger. Learn a stronger sense of self.

Accept that we may need to cry to work out the emotions that go with the struggle.

This allows us to know whether or not we want to be the “anything” we are striving for or if we want to take a different course.

Halloween Love

Halloween isn’t just an excuse to wear a slutty outfit, the slutty outfit has PURPOSE! It is “tease your significant other day” by wearing the sluttiest outfit possible, going out to a place where you can do nothing but be in close proximity and rub against each other… until it resorts to being literally dragged home and hardly getting up the stairs to your apartment before the costumes are puled aside, with the door only halfway open to our apartment, keys still falling to the floor” excitement.

This is not too much to ask for…

#truth

I am special

Too many people have this mentality “That won’t effect me” even if they had a revolver to their head, they might think, well this chamber is empty and won’t fire, because I am special, I am different, I will be above all this shit when I get my scrooge mcduck pile of money where I can’t be touched. WRONG. Dive into a pile of coins, see who ends up more hurt you or the money.

Sunshine and Roses

Life isn’t always flowers, most the time it is the thought of flowers and you just have to remember how beautiful they are and how much you love them. Then most the time that thought can get you through most of it.

All it takes is a snap.

When you take a selfie with your significant other the way you both look at the camera and each other is extremely telling of the disconnect or connection you have. Micro expressions for life. In this world we live in where impressing the invisible likes is more important to actual connection it is very easy to see relationships on the rocks just from one picture.

At the core we are not a fairy tale. So skip the end already!

The ultimate problem with “Prince Charming”.. he is the rebound. He “saves” the woman, the woman is swept off her feet, falling for him and only him. Sooner or later the Princess learns an important lesson, Prince Charming can’t actually save her from herself. Either she realizes she needs an understanding of herself first or she will end up falling into, once upon a time again, a deep sleep in which she must once again be awoken by “Prince Charming”. Not such a charming cycle is it?

It isn’t a princess I want. She is going to leave me. Being “saved” by a prince is just a rebound until she can get her mind together. And being afraid to tell all only hinders the ability to know if at the core as humans we match. The princess is always kidnapped, sometimes drugged and put into a long slumber, losing massive amounts of her life and time. Then swooping in with a kiss and waking her is not going to heal her wounds. She needs time, unless you are OK being tossed aside when she is fully better.

Too many people squander time by hiding loving the idea of someone or waiting until it is “official” only to feel underwhelmed at the outcome.

We are who we are at that specific time when we meet. Either that is OK and we get to the start of the relationship, love. Or, we need to be self aware enough to say, that we ourselves need more time to ourselves first.. That is unless you find some who makes you stronger together, not weaker alone. 

Disclaimer

I often say at the end of my writing:

So those are my thoughts. Obviously I have a million more and I wonder if I express everything properly the first time, but that is OK I think, because there is time to re-address things and to talk about it, instead of it being chiseled into stone on, THIS IS HOW IT IS. Consider this my journal entry to myself with intent of someone reading it.”The cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind. I spent a long time in Switzerland as a child and I found their way of “getting to know” one another refreshing. A lot up front. Not much of a wall if any. And a calm sense of “well if it doesn’t work, we will move on without wasting time pretending, guarding, or being afraid of failure.” So hopefully you don’t think I am throwing too much at you at once here with this, but then again I would share it if I did think so(but I guess I like disclaimers). But like I say and say again, I know nothing of you, nor am I the puppy attached to your hip, I am only an impatient boy, yelling, Mom.. mommy. momma.. Mom! Just to get the residual approval of a “Hello”. I am in no rush to love, I am however in a fast sprint to finding out how to give it, without feeling cheated. I want there to be an inquisition for knowledge. It will become clear eventually. Today, tomorrow, a year. I don’t care really as long as I don’t waste each day in a falsity of who I am today. So please forgive me for breaking the three text limit rule, please forgive me for not having my shit 100% together, forgive me for having multiple personality disorder on any given day at the moment. Eventually I will know the answer to the rubix cube in my brain, I will get the colors lined up. It will look like a Jackson Pollock. That is where I will give love. Not today, not tomorrow, but in time. Time filled with that search for a soul, mine, yours, those around, and the ones past.

To me it is less about OMG YOU MUST read all this to know me, this is me just wanting to share a few snippets of my life. Because trust me, without these I have a ton to talk about still. Would love to have conversations about anything that sparks your mind as well. So don’t think of this as some homework assignment to be handed in, think of it as an open conversation in a text format.

Claiming my inner child.

I feel like I have been given a glimpse from my life about 10-15 years ago in the form of doing, not just thinking and remembering… and it feels really good to feel that invigorated again.  Anxiety and other issues have claimed some of me over the years and being able to claim back bits of me, is invigorating. I let go a little bit in terms of just going out there and putting it all on the line, laughing, and joking through it all. Like a merging of my life now and my life then, the actor and the director. I feel like I am in costume again going into an auditorium of 1000000 people as a murloc screaming about slavery for no reason and it feels good, but with much better production quality. To be able to claim back that sense of adventure and remember I loved this stuff and finding a way to incorporate it into my life and my career is amazing. I hope I can keep the forward momentum here because it is super important to me. Maybe it is the work I am doing on myself with the help of external influences or the brain just changing a bit more, or all of the above. But it feels good. Let’s keep breaking down the walls that life sometimes builds in our way, release the inner child!

Online dating is simple, you are the one making it complicated.

Tell me what conversation you can have on Tinder, OkCupid, or any dating app that is going to tell you more than an in person meeting?

If you have established the person is not a serial killer through sharing social media or other such mediums, why must there be some made up “online dating” etiquette to make everybody feel vindicated that they “followed the rules”.

Fuck your rules.

Your rules end up with a date with someone who you don’t like the smell of, has bad breath, a voice of a tiny rodent, and a horrible sense of self. And guess what? They just happened to be an amazing writer. Those twitter sized bite size faux texts on your dating app sure did save you time…

ONLINE DATING IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE AS SIMPLE AS:

  1. “Finding the other person attractive”
  2. “Seeing if there might be some similar likes/dislikes”

And that IS IT. And hey guess what… that is NO DIFFERENT THAN MEETING IN PUBLIC PLACES. For all of you who think online dating is inorganic, the only inorganic thing is the amount of choice and ease of approach. In person you have to get up the nerve to say hello, online you hit enter and never look back. In person you get to see the person, mind you with more depth perception and being able to compare them to yourself and see a 3D version of them, but the attraction is what makes you want to say hi, not their amazing ability for “sarcasm”. Shit an in person meet might not even get to number 2. It might just be getting the number and setting up a time to meet, AGAIN… IN PERSON…

You HAVE to meet, there are too many mitigating circumstances that go into dating and meeting someone for you to be able to make an educated decision or even know anything about the other person without it. But if you want to harp on the fact that X amount of messages were or weren’t sent, you want to go back to texting nothing of consequence, and making snap judgement without knowing a damn thing about the person, go ahead, but please for fucks sake stop swiping right on me.

No one can sell you something if you refuse to buy it. Stand up for the world you want to live in.

LostInTxtlation

Enough to feel connected, not enough to connect.

Lately I have been wondering how much we hinder our actual ability to form meaningful relationships because of the internet. We have this sense of being connected all the time, yet we are further apart than ever as well. It is like being in a “comfortable” relationship, not for the happiness or love, but because it brings us consistency and doesn’t impose on our comfort zones. Tell you what, I would rather be single and lonely than together and unhappy. We do this with so much in life, jobs, living arrangements, relationships; grasping onto that safety blanket of our own insecurities and the technology has the potential to unlock so much more for us but we choose to hide behind it. We grasp onto whatever semblance of anonymity we feel it holds for us still. A picture from yesterday on instagram with 1000 likes doesn’t satiate us for more than a fleeting second. We need to open our eyes and enjoy the world around us, using the tech to enhance it, not as a passive blockade, sheltering ourselves from mystery, intrigue, and the unknown.

This bubble of tech we have created around us is not healthy. Not just the internet, but texts, emails, and any other forms of communication that require electricity(minus the infamous phone call which I truly miss with all my heart.)) I loved talking on the phone. It brought me happiness. Sure you can text and chat with people all day at the computer or on your phone, but you get no human inflection, voice, or warm fuzzy feelings when you see someone’s name pop up on your caller ID. Instead we get annoyed, and ask for features built into our phones to send automated texts to allow us to skip calls with courtesy. I still leave messages, and they are damn amusing, but when is the last time you did when you weren’t feeling playful? A voicemail account being setup these days is rare, and even rarer for us not to instinctually hang up immediately when we hear the start of an intro to it telling us to leave one. I remember when I was younger, not getting a phone call every day at least 3 or 4 times sent you into a spiral of depression, now I feel like the constant “connection” can do the exact same thing.

How are we to really connect with someone and fight for things we truly think are worthwhile when we are stuck in the digital void where we say enough to feel connected but never pull the trigger of connecting.  And if we do meet someone it is like a job interview, with 10 others lined up afterwards on both ends, we want to be there but at the same time we find “in person” to be a waste of time. Then on top of it all we don’t give ourselves the disconnect needed to let each person we meet sink in. We are constantly missing opportunities to meet people because it is so “convenient” to stay in “limbo”, messaging just enough to stay on the radar but never actually making the effort to go beyond avoiding opening a text, forbid we let the other person know it was “read” before we are “ready”.

I mean you all know what I am talking about, who doesn’t open up Facebook messenger or texts and skim the first few words to avoid that “read” receipt. It is a cyber warfare against true connection and we are all the ones to blame. This goes beyond hunger games and just starves us of humanity and interpersonal connections we need.

We fight for minutes in the day so we can snap judge character and personalities, yet when we only pursue the “instant connection”. And from what I have seen these connections don’t last because they too are based on instant gratification. What if that person we had in queue didn’t have that instant connection due to mitigating circumstances? What if the “perfect first date” which doesn’t exist, was a flop, but the second one would have been truly mind blowing. I believe 100% that you can fall in love, and by that I mean letting time give you the full picture of a person in-front of you making you want more and more of the addictive drug.

I miss the days of talking for hours on the phone with someone I knew I couldn’t see but wanted to so badly. I miss not looking at read receipts and wondering if the other person would reply. I also miss delayed gratification.

I dunno, I enjoy what technology provides for us, but I find it to be a very lonely place where we literally are surrounded by people 24/7. I think there was something to be said about not having instant access to all the information at once, something that inspired us, made us better, and taught us the value of debate/conversation over facts.

So for me, it is going to be a conscious effort for less digital-shenanigans, and more “going on that first date”, second date, and hopefully third.

Give my brain a breather…

Trauma in my past built in this amazing ability to process a thousand possible scenarios from something as simple as a sudden breath, micro expression on a face, or even the lack of words. When you have to protect yourself by being prepared for every possible outcome, you learn to adapt. It comes in handy now because it gives me an insight I don’t think I would have had otherwise. There is a reason I tattoo’d “And go The Fools among” on my arm. I am The Fool, seeing the world for what it truly is, but being allowed a glimpse of others lives and jesting at opportune moments.

The problem is I am no longer having this trauma in my life, so when I am with someone else, especially in a romantic situation, it is so goddamn important for them to tell me what is on their mind and not leave me fishing. Sure these thousands of scenarios, I process, happen in a millisecond, but they are exhausting.

All I can hope for is someone in my life that can understand that when they are honest, open, and transparent with me, it allows me to be with them on such a deeper level. By giving my brain a breather, I don’t have to be defensive beyond my control(not even a visible defense), but I can hold their hand, and trust where we will lead each other, because I don’t have to concentrate on their face or lack of words, but what is ahead of us both, enjoying it together, in the moment.

This is my baggage. What’s yours?

I feel _____.


Something I have been getting much better at lately is telling others how I feel, how what they say makes me feel, and drawing boundaries for myself. This is unique for me, because I always believed in being the open open book. However, it turns out I benefit from a little bit of a cover. Not that this means I am any less open, it just means my “open” is a little bit more protected from dirt.

This I find, however, is not something easily accepted by others. Others might do it as well, but they may not be in the same place as you to truly accept it. They might be doing it not as an open conversation, but as a conversation stopper. And they may not have learned it the same way, so you get some pretty big clashes by being honest.

I used to think that I would meet someone who I could find that could agree with me that life is too short to spend it taking jabs at one another and treating each other with sarcasm, versus encouragement and support. But what I am also learning is that these things are things you do for so long over a lifetime that you cannot switch them off overnight, and some sort of banter is necessary to survive the support.

I am a sensitive being. I can get hurt quickly, I am weak in certain areas, I am fast to form an opinion, so when you combine that with text conversations and an equally sensitive partner, you find the opposite of fireworks, you just get internal explosions no one else can see. This causes quiet secrets, that are not meant to hurt, but created by both parties to protect one another from hypotheticals.

I also have the inate ability to recover from shit being flown my way. I have had to deal with it as a child, teen, adult, etc. I taught myself due to extreme circumstances growing up where I got hit with it a lot. So combine that with me now sharing when something feels wrong and you have a very interesting explanation of self, especially for someone who doesn’t know your “self”.

We have been living with our own demons and pasts so long, getting someone to understand them as well is hard. It is a true test of wills. But at the same time are we supposed to just “click” or are we just supposed to “click” on specific things, allowing the non clicked moments to feel less impactful. Opposites attract… yet I always feel that if I met someone who put as much thought into the idea of people, the context of valuing humanity over physical and tangible achievements, that it could be truly magical. I suppose the opposites are best defined as being things that you can contribute to one another in a way that lets growth live and breath with each other.

But it isn’t just about being able to agree upon things, it is about being able to have a thicker skin when shit doesn’t mix and being able to work through it without letting the past define us too much. I know my past has the potential to throw some serious wrenches all over the place. At the same time I also know my past does not control my future as long as I am open to letting it out and in when need be. But on top of that if you are feeling as though instead of “hearing” another being is just “accepting” it is the same as brushing off an acknowledgement. It becomes increasingly frustrating. There has to be a sense that two people are working together equally, not just setting up boundaries at every turn. Actually understanding the boundaries is more important than the boundaries themselves.

“I learned to understand my Leo by understanding that he needed positive reinforcement for the little things. He needed me to be open to letting it all hang out with him or he tended to think I was not interested or had anything interesting to offer. This was out of my comfort zone but when I let go a little bit to him, it was a warm embrace that followed”

I am just rambling, because I did meet a similar person, and that similarity seemed to be only similar in brand not by make. Created completely differently, not actually riding the rails side by side, but being on opposite hemispheres thus having an entirely different type of passenger that we let aboard.

Who knows, maybe one day we will be universal to one another, but for now we continue our daily commute with a completely different schedule.

Oh well, derailed for a moment today, back on track tomorrow. And with that… enough train metaphors.

A year and “change”.

I ran across this today. It reads like fiction or perhaps a poem, but is my life. I wanted to share it again as it seems to have gotten lost in a year past. It happened close to this time last year and even though it was only a second date and we never kissed or went on to talk more it was truly a calm and happy moment in my life. An unplugged lost memory. I now know why I wrote it down. It speaks more about me than the date. And I feel sharing it is like sharing a piece of me. Hope you enjoy!

It also goes to show how much can change in a year because a few months later I went on a date where I was on a call to start a huge en-devour to really get my business off the ground and the call went long, and I had to ask my date if I could keep talking with the promise that I would be right in. Instead of being pissed off at me, she saw how enthusiastic and excited I was for the potential of what I was just talking about and started to talk to me about the call, my business, and what was happening at that very moment. She played off my energy, my excitement, my fears, my anxiety and we talked like friends who had known each other for years instead of the boring generic questions of a first date.

http://lostintxtlation.tumblr.com/post/81556750235/a-snowy-spring-night

Can you please explain to me as to why men ask for openness and honesty, but when you are they decide you aren’t worth getting to know anymore?Is it wrong to not want to send someone you haven’t even had a date with nude pics?Or am I the problem?

You are well within your right to not send a naked photo of yourself to someone you never went on a date with and that should be an indicator of what they actually want in the first place. Although me personally I prefer clothing to naked for foreplay 🙂

Some ask for open and honesty but are not willing to give it themselves so when you do they recoil to the little boy on the playground pulling hair. The chase isn’t as fun to some people after they know it all, showing how they really are only after the chase in the first place. Honesty should build and bolster a relationship not harm it.

I also don’t know what you are telling them, maybe it is something they realize is not their thing. Which is totally within their right as well. We guard ourselves so much wasting so much time pulling out the answers, when in reality we should be able to lay it all out, and make an educated decision if the other person is for us or not and just move on or stay together without the bullshit.

I am sure it was “beat” into me at a young age and thus my brain learned to hide and then cope and then hide and then scream and then recoil etc etc etc. 

There are many theories as to who I am, why I am, etc. None of which are ever really declared as journeys more as being there while living each day, be present in ones own body in the bad and good. Many people look for this journey of enlightenment when in turn I think we just get everyday as a lesson and what we make of it. We can plan for tomorrow but tomorrow can change in an instant, thus wasting today.

Lostintxtlation

Mariaaaaa

I would rather sing a song like Maria on my way home after a date and think of the moments just passed than go home and play it off Spotify while stalking their Facebook.

This Is How We Write Now

We write like this. We write. An internet generation. Online. On computers. On tablets. On typewriters. Maybe not anymore. Previous generation. We write online.

Sometimes. Hard. Understanding. An oblivious generation. We do. It is. Sentences. Broken like glass. Metaphor. For our existence. It’s deep.

Our experiences. They speak. For everyone. For you. For me. For everyone. We write. Only in the plural. We are. We write.

This is how we write now. Fragmented. Vague. Dull. How? Passing editor’s inspection? How? Published? Don’t know. It is. Always.

This is how we write now. But this is not how we write well now.

« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2024 Lost in Txtlation

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑