I am seeking guidance.
I get these moments of relief from what I can only describe as overwhelming anxiety. These moments come from the strangest or most obvious reasons. I am on the end of one moment of relief right now from watching a simple movie of blatant romance. Sometimes I am given these opportunities to see, and as my day showed me, sometimes I have no more control than to pace back and forth, and lay down, get up, walk straight, or stand still. But knowing there IS guidance, that gives me strength. Be it from myself, my subconscious, or those around me. Because I tell you my self conscious self is super strong right now, and makes it obvious every time I fall asleep, bringing my thoughts into a dream state, with symbolism and happy or nightmarish experiences. Sleep that wakes you abruptly not letting you sleep again or forcing you not to wake.
I watched my kitty walk down my legs outstretched on my desk, and as she laid down and watched the screen with me, darting her eyes back and forth on the screen in an almost innocent interest, I was snapped out of my relief to think of the size of my room, but quickly my logical brain kicked in and let me make sense of a very new situation.
I looked through old emails today and read old conversations I had with my dad. I have grown very much since then, 4 years ago. And it is amazing to think of what those four years have brought to my life and how they do not hold any reference or frame of time without pulling up the old conversations. The years then put into perspective give me clarity on my life as it is now. I am not sure if I should apologize for who I was then or if it is who I am and without it could I be me today. It is strange to not know if an old fragment of a time is something to be happy or sad about. To me not knowing has always been my biggest fear. I have always wanted to know everything even if it would halt my life in its place because I believe I would push on.
I listen to the soothing tones of “Leaving for Paris no. 2” as I write. The songs lyrics not registering in my mind, but the melodic piano and classical feel touching my ears. As the song repeats the lyrics register more and more. Yet I believe I still have only heard the “I am leaving for Paris” line. So the song still registers as a pace to my writing here.
So I ask for guidance now. I ask.
I am looking(more of a metaphor for those I already see and hope I will always be able to see) for those who believe in me, I am looking to surround myself with inspirations alike. I am looking to walk the streets and see just what it is that aches in every bone of my body. I understand I can be a hell of a personality to digest but I believe through moments where I have been torn to the edge of my own level of angst I have shown that I can smile, and make the days turn into seconds, and the issues at hand turn into a simple pleasure as a glass of water in the middle of the night would give.
I am reaching out, in simple gestures all around and this is my message to…
It always amazes me the people who I end up surrounding myself with perhaps without even knowing it, and their strength in my weakest times. I value that more than I can ever express.
As I did 4 years ago, I wrote sitting on the corner of the street with the lamp shinning dimly upon me as I felt alone. But what I may not have realized as much is how much I was alone only to myself and not to those around me.
We as a people prove to be so strong in times of loneliness. I can say I do not feel alone tonight. I am alone as I write, I am alone in my apartment tonight, but as I see my cats run to my legs when I walk and hear the words spilling out of my head onto this, I realize I am not alone, and my merit of that privilege weighs much heavier to me as something to never let go of. But that is not where it ends, there is more to it than just those who I will sit and drink wine with and tell stories or debate in full curse ridden passion.
In the days to come I will see a balance of truth and lies. I will test the waters around me to show me who is capable of being in my mind even for a glimpse, something I find interesting with every person I meet. The fact that we are indeed all so much our own entities that can only ever know ourselves fully. And why shouldn’t we be. Don’t we strive to be so much our own selves that sometimes being anything but or giving away too much would take that away? The fear of being alike… I don’t think so personally.
To hear those words “You see too much of me” makes me smile not run. It makes me happy and I hope to share those words with more people. Because having a bit of someone else’s truth is beautiful.
I am scared but that is why I write this to…
So please tell me how it is that you see it if I cannot get into your mind, and help me to learn the skills to do so. But see me as well and understand me at my core. The strengths always lies in the core. I am ready to let go and fall into this letter to…
And to myself, guidance.
And so that is what I will do.
Thanks for these moments where I can catch my breath in this constant breaking wave.