I don’t suffer from depression. I do have anxiety. But that’s pretty under control. Since this pandemic has continued on and seeing how it is going to be continuing for a very long time from here has anyone been getting more and more.. claustrophobic about life?

It’s hard to explain but it feels like hopelessness filled with a difficult ability to breath at times. Like the need to cry a dry heave kinda cry. No tears.

Where you feel uncomfortable anyplace but home but at home you feel trapped and constricted by the life choices that lead you to where you are now, looking at how your life is going to change going forward without even having gotten your life together yet…

Wondering is this going to waste the good years of life here causing the future to be even more grim.

I tell ya what, I can’t sleep as much and I certain to hell cant sleep at a normal hour. And I can’t motivate to workout or do a zoom class.
I’m fired up about our politics and reform the country needs but even that makes me at times just want to bail on this country and move elsewhere when I see how bad it is and has been and is getting.

But the main issue I’m having is more and more often my mind gets blanked and I just feel empty and hopeless laying in bed having difficulty seeing the next steps, scared shit of getting this virus knowing in this mental state I’d crack.
Like I got 2 mental reprieves by visiting my parents over the last month but those were short lived and felt almost more depressing to me because they are “day trips” with masks and social distance. I know no matter what I’m stuck where I am. Unable to really move to the next steps of life. Questioning all the steps I took to get here. I can look for new apartments but making life changing choices where money is called into question and future job opportunities will be affected is kinda like asking a drunk to “just go to rehab”. It isn’t that I don’t want the help it is that I am crippled to the point of not knowing how to use the help when I don’t know if it won’t just fuck me in the future. I already get overwhelmed in a normal world when looking for places to live. But making it during a pandemic… I start mentally shaking.

So I am stuck in this apartment where I am surrounded by people which was fine until people became walking viruses. Stuck without an outdoors or yard. Which was fine if someone walked by me on the sidewalk until they became walking viruses without masks. And before I had to worry about who touched the front doorknob. Stuck with my cats that I love and have probably gotten me further without the feeling of being completely alone, but also are the reason I couldn’t quarantine with family and am alone during this pandemic.

Anyone in this boat with me? The question all of life boat with a side of hopelessness that feels extremely scary? It’s like the feeling that you are falling off a cliff and you can’t see the bottom so you will fall indefinitely until it just goes dark. Or the feeling of fear. Just irrational coming from nowhere fear. So powerful

It makes you want to scream or cry just to make it feel less intense. That moment right after a nightmare that jolts you awake. Yup. That is some depressing shit there. But I needed to say it out loud Incase I’m in trouble and don’t realize it. Thanks for listening.