These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Month: January 2014

Growth isn’t realizing how mature you have become, but realizing what you actually care about and doing everything you can do make sure you take care of that. But not only that moment but knowing everyday you will have to care about more, and loving every moment, good and bad, because you know, you are still you.

The X Theory

To put it in metaphor, I’d say that oftentimes paths will cross, as Fate would have it, and that would be Instant Love; however, in order to keep this instant love, you must apply that conscious effort to pursue… because when paths cross, they will naturally meet at one point, the middle of an X {a cross- those physical, chemical, mental changes}, and then start going the opposite way, as is natural with growing and life changing. This is where the effort to pursue Love comes in… where people will take the time, effort, and energy to pave a new road together. Regardless of where those roads of Fate may lead. And the strength of that crossing point will help to determine if it will last or it will grow apart. Because we are on different timelines, but if when we meet the intersection was strong enough, it can bind us together even as time changes who we will be.

“ Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.”

The Two Face Theory

There are two faces to every girl.

The face you see when you come home from work, the face you see when you are covered in daily dirt, even the face you see when you cry. That is face one.

Now there is face two the one where you are so close you can barely see. You are face to face, all blemishes uncovered, and expressions discovered. I do see them here and there, I do see them everywhere. This is when we kiss. This is when we wake up next to each other, directing our morning breath like a dance.  What I 100% see and hope you see the same in me, is a sparkle in your eye.

I want to find that sparkle and have it last forever, I want to find that sparkle, not make it an endeavor, by this I mean I don’t want the games people play, some drama here or there, that is OK, but maybe just today.

With a  simple glance there is a connection I want to feel, when I am so close and smooshed up next to you.

So in this second face, you and I, we will kiss, it will last, last and last, just because kissing helps slow time in our eyes. And in that second face kissing with an eternity going by,  I pull back to see your first face again, still in love with a different view but same person I am laying with, side to side.

Sometimes to be slick the writer will say it lasted for the perfect moment, but I want the moment to be more than a fleeting moment in a romantic novel, I want it to be the rest of my life.

Are we all that important to one another?

Have you ever waited for the phone to ring? Have you ever just waited in general, even if you didn’t know the person more than a conversation or a glance, for the next time you could be in the same place at the same time. Where your brains both focused on each other and the words flowed from inspiration instilled by the other person.

I and any of my ex girlfriends will tell you I will not jump into “girlfriend boyfriend” status fast and I expect to know a whole lot about a person before I can see taking that step. It isn’t that I am afraid of a relationship it is that I am one of those rare few who actually thinks the title of girlfriend or boyfriend is important. And if I am going to take that step of commitment to the other person I want to make sure I am invested.

That is where I think I either hit or miss. I treat the dating in the beginning as a different animal. I look to find out as much as possible when I am talking to someone. I want to know that the person on the other end of the phone or in front of my face is able to give me who they are, unabated without the need for a title to open up. This usually ends up poorly for me, because I find that not many people are willing to build their walls from the ground up. They go in with a castle fully defended ready for battle. So by the time my words and personality shine through their wall breaking into who they are, my walls have built up around me to shelter me from the empty feeling I got back. And then it is nearly impossible for me to be myself anymore because I expect my first impressions to continue.

Which I have to say are usually not too off, not in a pretentious way, but in the idea that people usually show their true colors with those walls up, because when you break them down, it just means they are down for you, not the people around them, as well as they have broken down the “relationship walls” so who is to say if they are acting differently to you than a friend or family member. I mean why do we even build “walls” in the first place? What is so scary about being hurt by someone not working out on a relationship level? Shouldn’t we be running head long into these situations so we can have as many as possible to find what we want as quickly as possible. For a cultural need of love it is amazing how many boundaries we put up from letting us get there.

I think of love as a starting point, not the end. When you find love and maybe even marriage you are free of this stigma placed upon you at birth. You FOUND the holy grail, now you have a whole lot more to look forward to with this everlasting life without the need to squander the earth for love. So what will YOU do with eternity.

But I am off topic. What is it that causes that feeling in our stomach when we have an interaction with someone that feels right? What makes us pace back and forth, whether we admit it or not, or whether our life is busy enough to let it be more than a thought here or there? I think we all get it. I think we also have a tendency to try to make it go away so we don’t seem desperate or anxious. We all want to be “Cool”. But isn’t it cool to know that someone else is intriguing to you and you them. Shouldn’t we share those moments?

It reminds me of how I meet people I have dated or how I ask someone to the next step of a relationship. It has always been something very memorable. Not because I MUST have it as a special moment but because I am inspired to think about the time ahead of us as important and want to be able to perhaps one day look back on it and remember. A Polaroid in time. Something you flip through a scrap book when you are older and just you know the feeling it held for you. I don’t want to tell my kids, me and mommy met at a bar, and I was doing jello shots off her curves… I want it to be special to me and her. So I listen, I absorb, and trust me, we all have something that means something to us, as menial as it may be that makes for that perfect moment.

It is like the idea of digital cameras these days. They are so easily accessible that we often carry them and do not use them. Back in the days of my parents, to take a video it was a big ToDo, lights, microphones, heavy equipment and expensive film. So when Grandpa or dad busted out the camera as much as you may object you did it anyway because it was special.

And god those videos have emotion and raw truth to them. Because no one said, PUT THAT AWAY, or if they did it was shrugged off as funny.

I want to find someone in my life that agrees with the idea that a camera should be passed from hand to hand snapping times of life together. Not just a way to grab a point smile click shot, but a mini photo shoot in the middle of the street on the way to work. Where both people on each end of the camera can look back later and see who THEY were.

I want to be able to riffle through a box of old Polaroids with someone and show my kids how old I really am :)

And I am off topic again.

I enjoy those moments when I sit antsy waiting for the next encounter where I can talk to someone that made an impression. I don’t expect anything more than a conversation. I guess I want to say I break the mold of “OMG I need to be with you, that is why I have butterflies until our next talk”. I just want to be able to share with someone who seems to be able to understand my musings and theirs inspire mine to keep going.

It seems to me that showing interest in someone or admitting to the feeling of butterflies defies your true intentions. It is as if you just gave the person an arrow for the bow they had strung. And dagnammit(yes I said that) they are gonna fire quickly. Why would they fire? Because you have just given them the advantage. They now control the situation because either they can agree they enjoy the time with you and even the playing field or shoot it as fast as possible to quell all odds of the dice roll when meeting someone. Just because I am interested in someone doesn’t mean we are good for each other. I base that first feeling on just that a feeling, an impression, an aura of their person. That doesn’t mean I know ANYTHING about them. But it does mean I want to find out. I want to be able to have that open conversation over and over where each time when we stop talking I feel more nervous stomach feelings, because it is working out. To get to the point where I would pursue someone, I need to at least have them open up and spend time with me and I with them. All I can say in the beginning is, wow you make me feel good. And that is good enough for me. But why should I hide it in a cat and mouse game? I won’t and I will dig my grave with many people this way, but I will not give up on the idea that eventually someone will be interested in kissing at the beginning of a date just to see if that chemistry is there instead of spending too much time of a small life guessing. At the same time there needs to be a balance rope of those moments and where you wait for the phone to ring.

I loved what my stepmother once said, where when I find the person I am meant to be with, it will be explosive, because after all this thought and all these ideas, if the other person has had half these thoughts too, the conversation should be freakin’ fireworks.

We do not need to assume everything about a person’s intentions if we are just living to share. There is no reason to be afraid of a conversation, because it may lead to happiness and if it doesn’t work out the way of “love” then we had a great conversation and that conversation helped to build us as people.

We are all so important to one another. The people we come across, the music we listen to, the moments we have, they are forever. As much as we may push forward to further careers, or to just enhance our daily lives with shit not boring, at the end of the day, the people around us are the real important part. They are what help us to be who we are, because we have something else to base our existence on. A movie I just watched said “The bravest people are those who are not afraid to stay still”.

This is a new idea to me. I am one of those people who wishes for the simpler life but knows I would need something to give me that monumental feeling of completeness in my mind to be able to stop pushing forward to enjoy that kind of life.

To go out into the woods and camp out on the hood of a car or sit in the sweltering heat with a person that makes me feel good that the sweat and the bugs are not a bother but a feeling. Side by side, staring blankly upward, but there together. No topic too small or big. I guess to find someone that understands when to be silent and when to chat nonstop would be nice. When to just BE in the moment and when to search for it.

I often reference Alabama type shit for those “moments” because I find they are the most relatable through pop culture or movies but I am a city boy at heart and I find the romance in a city to be truly amazing. The sidewalks, the graffiti, the random tree here or there, the parks, the busy streets filled with people, the food at 4 am. These all are places I picture adventures as well.

How I will find it, life still hasn’t told me. So it should be a fun ride.

Oh and the next person to say “FML”, I’m going to send you anthrax.



Jennifer Owings

Its nice to hear you voice the vulnerabilities that I often feel in a new relationship. I think I often try to convince myself that men are selfish creatures and have no empathy for the things that “women go through” at the start of something new. Thanks for reminding me that it can be just as difficult for the other person : ).
June 21, 2009 at 10:08pm ·


Jennifer Smith

The older you get, the harder it is to find someone who is willing to be uninhibited by their feelings… because with age comes more opportunities to be hurt, and thusly more fear of new relationships of “potential pain.”

[I had a long blurb here that I decided to delete on my thoughts. lol]

And, bro, you know I can hook you up with some spores! Benefit of living with someone in the microbial industry… haha

June 21, 2009 at 10:17pm ·


Tristan G Pope

I think additionally and I can’t find a place for it so I will write it here, it is like drinking on a holiday till your face falls off or HAVING to have the perfect birthday experience. We put so much pressure or high needs for these days that are marked as special. And if we don’t end up puking or upset the next day we feel like it has been … See MoreFOREVER since we felt this way. What is wrong with the idea of, hey I wanna plaster my brain against a wall and hold onto a toilet tonight and JUST DOING IT that night, no need for a “Holiday”. Or why instead of planning the world for a birthday, you plan to relax and have those around you that are important. And play it by ear. Somehow this applies, setting the bar yadda yadda to what i just wrote… but like I said… dunno where so here is the comment.
June 21, 2009 at 10:20pm ·


Tristan G Pope

“The older you get, the harder it is to find someone who is willing to be uninhibited by their feelings… because with age comes more opportunities to be hurt, and thusly more fear of new relationships of “potential pain.” And with the best intentions of the word, FUCK THAT. I am not saying don’t go with feelings, it is the idea of HURT… I mean… See More come on… life is too short to be HURT because Jimmy on the playground didn’t like you. Joey right next to him thought you were hot too. He just saw Jimmy get to ya first and so are you gonna let Jimmy through his asshole-ness ruin your chances with Joey. Hell no! I mean if I said, you can have a million dollars but only if you run up that hill in 3 minutes. WOULD YOU NOT RUN YOUR ASS OFF?!? Why should this differ in relationships. You could SPRAIN your ankle or not make it in 3 minutes which is pain on all levels, but you would be damned if you didn’t try. So for something so “SOUGHT after” as “Love” why wouldn’t you give it the same effor
June 21, 2009 at 10:24pm ·


Jennifer Smith

Sometimes, people are just broken… I think it’s beneficial to meet someone as a new friend first, rather than as a potential partner. It removes the expectations of behaving in a “relationshippy” way– whether we like it or not, we are all programmed to behave in certain roles. Meeting someone with the intention to date automatically puts us … See Moreinto our “best face” zone.

If you want to find a “real” girl who is just herself all the time with you, meet someone to be your close comrade first… and then, once you know her inside and outside (figuratively, of course), it’s the right time to take it to a romantic level.

There is an ideal way of how things *should* be, and then human nature comes in and throws a curve ball… lol

June 21, 2009 at 10:29pm ·


Tristan G Pope

Whilst (yup said whilst, btw that’s my new thing poiting out weird words I say) I agree friendship is super important I think you just summed up part of what I am talking about with the idea that there is a “WAY” for these things to play out. I treat you the same way I treat my mother, the same way I treat my friends etc etc. Whilst (hehe) there … See Moreare things that differ a little there is a core there that never changes. If you got me at the right moment I would tell you just as much as I would tell me dad who I have known my whole life. We never know how it will happen for that “special moment” where it all just plays out. The healthy thing is to try to just go with gut feelings at first and then quickly after dig deeper me thinks. I could be wrong :)
June 21, 2009 at 10:39pm ·


Alexander Brazie

This was an awesome discussion. Could use a great deal more vodka, though. Who’s down!?
June 21, 2009 at 11:01pm ·


Gina Pope Moore

Oy vey, haven’t thought seriously about this topic in years. Only partially tongue in cheek I’ll say (with authority since I am 46) that the pool of compatible mates becomes smaller as you age, thus increasing the difficulty of finding one. And yes, sometimes people are just broken. Then there are so many others who, for lack of a better term, … See Moreexhibit a strong prey drive, people who truly relish the game of cat and mouse you mentioned. I’d guess by varying degrees this is the norm, since we are animals and that’s how your basic animal is wired. However, there’s still a healthy percentage of people out there who are capable of being vulnerable and real, people who aren’t like hermit crabs moving into bigger and bigger castles with walls around them. And trite but true, sooner or later, they usually find each other.
June 22, 2009 at 3:12am ·


Gina Pope Moore

Jeez, that paragraph doesn’t hardly touch what I’d intended to say. So here goes just a little more: those folks who are busy wall builders, I would say that some of them can adapt and learn to be less guarded. I’ve seen it happen with several friends, and to an extent, to myself.

Also seems that time/age condenses what’s important to a … See Moreperson, so as you age, the things that matter to you most will take center stage, such things as a relationship which involves integrity and trust, compatibility, no cat and mouse crap. That famous Velveteen Rabbit quote just came to mind.

Also, I’m going to hang on to that movie quote.

June 22, 2009 at 3:29am ·


Tristan G Pope

I think in many regards we get broken in different ways from past relationships gone wrong. We often are looking out for those things that pissed us off about other relations and when the new person does the opposite we notice it in more light than it should be. And those broken parts often make other features in people bigger and grander than they… See More should be. Making you miss the other parts that don’t work lending itself to you getting broken again.

So I suppose it takes the right tool to fix it all and be able to put all the nuts and bolts back in tightly so you can be yourself again. And that is the hard part.

June 22, 2009 at 10:31am ·

Tattoo, sushi, and a cardigan…

Since I can remember I have wanted a Tattoo. Problem with these things is they are permanent! And as you all know with my avatar I don’t like things for longer than a month at a time if that. I love change, i love colors, I love to redesign. So I waited, I thought, and over the years ideas cam and went. I could never think of something that wasjust rightuntil a few weeks ago.

I knew it was time to get the tattoo if I was going to. I turned 30, I was tired of worrying about it so much, and I really really wanted it. I worked with my sister on designs, my best friend in California on designs, and ultimately I realized that if the design was not come up by me, I would not be happy. At least for my first tattoo and the placement. I wanted to remember me, a moment in my life, and not others when I looked at it. May sound selfish but I think it is smart. To me a tattoo should have meaning, it should read right to others, but little enough where they have to ask you what it means, and when they do you better have the story!

So after a few months of mulling over the designs, I had a breakthrough.

If I were to summate my personality and life in a line, it would be simple, “I am the fool from a Shakespearean play. I say what I want but in the right way. I hold nothing back, my tongue leads me. I see more than you think, I jest at your faults but you do not get riled, I am but a fool in a world closed in by walls. I walk outside and enjoy the sounds of nature, the peasants, and return for the king alike. I sit with the animals and am afraid of bees, but I myself am just a fool who ‘knows nothing.’"

This is a quote from numerous writings I have done along the way. My artistic release. Writing. So I had a starting point.

I began with the idea of:

“I am but the fool”

I took that idea and contacted my old Shakepearean professor who is a scholar on the topic. We spoke in legnth about what being the Fool meant for the time period and in my life. He searched many books and his vast knowledge and came back to me with the following:

From King Lear, A show I played the Fool in during my college years:

  • not altogether fool
  • go the fools among
  • so the fool follows after
  • the fool will stay

Merchant of Venice

  • Let me play the fool

I immediately latched onto “Let me play the fool” because it has a closer meaning to what I wanted, although I couldn’t get past the “let me play” part since I feel as though I play it every day. On top of that it is meant to be obnoxious in context. He uses it to stir up trouble in the play.

So I went back to my idea of I am but the Fool. Problem was… I just didn’t like saying I.

I looked over the email after a week and saw “Go the Fools among” and realized… holy shit this is almost the perfect like. It is distant enough to be applied in and out of context, but it also shows how I, a Fool, go among the world.

I quickly sent off my professor an email asking if it held up in and out of context of what was being said to Lear and out of context and in context it means exactly what I wanted it to. I then realized it was too short for the placement I wanted. I saw Russell Brand with a tattoo like this:

I fell in love with it. I also have this deep desire to one day morph my body into a lanky rock star look haha. That being said, I now had a place, an idea, and needed to find an artist.

The first artist I found told me to pick fonts. So I went to DaFont and ended up with MANY iterations. My best friend Aleece helped me to pick a couple ideas and kern them to have proper spacing. Now I had to look at them and decide.


I decided I liked the bottom left and the cloister font for the text. I went to the artist and talked to him to see what he would come up with. He didn’t really have much input and grasp on Typography that I was hoping for, so I decided to head out to Brooklyn to meet another artist who had done this:


It was beautiful. Her placement and cleanliness of lettering was exactly what I wanted. So before I went to see her I decided to try my hand at a few more ideas:


At this point to enlongate it to fit the place on my arm properly I added the prior word taken out “And”. I hit up Steve my professor again and asked what AND would do to the meaning. It actually turns it more into the meaning I wanted, rather than a command, it was an idea.

With the just-plain command, “go the fools among” (if I was reading it running from your wrist to your elbow, or something like that) it does sound like a kind of demand. “Stop what you’re doing, dudes, and get out there with all the simple, innocent people.” (or the sheep, or the little children, a.k.a. fools)

When you hit ‘em with “And go the fools among” it slides into “You all go on doing what you’re doing, AND take it to the peeps, show THEM who you are, what you do.” It’s both an encouragement to do good things, and a holding the reader up for the observation and judgment of the people, the everyday, the fools (not the slicksters).

The Fool in LEAR has this multiple sense of (1) how painful it is for the King to be reduced down to someone trafficking with the sheep and common folk (2) how happy it is for the nasty daughters to see the King so fallen, but also (3) it’s kind of about time he saw how the world really works if you pull down your own pants and leave your privates swinging out there in the air and (4) maybe among fools (like me, f’’rinstance) you’ll learn something about wisdom.

– Steve

I was raring to go now..
I then narrowed it to these:


And from there had my friend Aleece kern these:


It is a mixture of Old English font and a modern take on it. I wanted it to be timeless but not too old. I found I liked the lettering on the bottom to be stronger than the embellishments on the top A and F. 

I brought it into the artist and she immediately sat down with me and addressed all my issues, longevity, size, bleeding(of ink), and the like. We came up with a good size and she edited the F so it could not be mistaken for a T. 
“And go to Tools among” has a different ring to it.

I ultimately had them capitalize the F as well because that is an important area.

She said to me, well, let’s make a fake ink of it and get placement, but I have an opening today, would you like to get it done?

I was not intending to do it that day, I thought there would be a long month wait as with all their artists, but there was a cancellation for RIGHT THEN.

I said, YES. As I said it I could hardly believe the words coming out of my mouth. I called my sister who lives in Brooklyn and said, YO… uhmmm do you live close to *cross streets* and she said yes, and I said, “well I am getting a tattoo, right now, can you come?” She immediately said yes and I will forever be grateful.

I was scared shit. I didn’t know if I would be able to handle it. We checked placements and I decided to go with a slightly different location, turns out I am not Russell Brand :)

Well turns out.. it hurts, but not that badly. The feeling is absolutely impossible to describe. But 30 minutes later.. Vuala, a permanent piece of me on me. 

These videos and pictures should sum it up nicely:

Sushi and a Cardigan:

After all was said and done my sister and I explored her neighborhood and she showed me where she works. We then grabbed some sushi.(which might sound like nothing to some, but I love sushi however I get sick from it often, be it true or in my head), I said fuck it, today was the day to do what I wanted. I threw caution to the wind and got some delicious sushi and loved every minute of it. We then droppe dby some stores for some cheapo glasses after my LASIK next week.(wooo 5 dollar glasses FTW! How I missed you!) I found a cardigan I had wanted for a very long time, but they were sold out. Luckily their website wasn’t and they had a 20% off there!

After that we went to see a movie and called it a night. It was a great day and I had a lot of fun with my lil sis. We don’t get enough time like that together. I did a ton of firsts and tackled anxieties and ended up with a great sweater to boot.

The Tattoo had not sunk in until today(other than my OH FUCK THIS IS PERMANENT right as he started and right after he finished), because it was covered and I didn’t really see it. But now I can see it, and I love it. It marks a moment in my life whether 20 years down the road I love it or not still. It is still a moment in time frozen forever, a moment that was made great by those around me.

So here’s to Tattoos, sushi, and cardigans!

P.S. Thinking back on the Tattoo process it is funny because it doesn’t hurt that much and your brain kinda turns the pain into a good thing. Crazy I know.

Observation vs Analysis

See I love to observe people. I totally understand what it means when you say you want to talk with someone rather than talk about them. I feel like that is becoming a lost art these days, talking “With” someone. BUT TRULY talking with them. Not surface passing conversation but being ok with talking about good and bad on any day at any given moment. Your picture where you wrote, “Not every photo here needs to be flattering.” is a perfect example of something I find to be an attractive quality in people. When we are OK showing ourselves in what would be considered “vulnerable” but in reality is our natural state of being. It takes strength to be able to do that I think with the pressures of the world telling you otherwise. God I love to just sit and talk with someone. It is relaxing and really is the crux of what we can do in the little time we have here. Explore one another. Sure we can make millions or become famous, but it doesn’t last, unless we are curing diseases or elongating life, talking is the only other thing that seems to make sense. 🙂

That being said, I think where I would fail at what you enjoy is that I get frustrated when I observe and talk to people and see that outsider perspective of what can be done to correct, resolve, fix, ease, or whatever to make a situation better for that person, but job wise I would have to not interject my own shit on them too much, especially because it is my life not theirs and it may not meld. I often have heard people say I am good at holding open two doors, one to let the person get out of their shit, and the second to let them pass to where they need to go on their own now. I would have a client for 3 weeks then I would have to drop them so they could use what I gave them to work on themselves haha. Not good for repeat business.

This is shitty in terms of relationships because I often find myself stuck in the hallway haha.

But in terms of who I am, I don’t have a choice, I see people’s eyes or hear the inflection in their voice, or watch their body language as they talk. It is literally built into my DNA, and I will pre-meditate the 1000 different possibilities that can be going on in their head. Be it for better or worse I do it. I know I do it and I have found love in people where I do it too much and I have found love where I don’t have to do it at all. Someone who can get me to be comfortable with their mind, puts mine at ease, not needing to constantly be on my toes and being able to trip and fall on my own words knowing they will understand if I need to change a sentence here and there.

I also have recognized my need to fix and I now let people work their shit out on their own and respect that boundary much better for my own well being really. I cannot be a fixer, I need to find someone who has similar cracks as me so we can work together as a team versus one person who has the hammer and the other is a nail. There is only so much pressure you can put on yourself regardless of if you see the possible answer or not.

Let me say though, I think the positive side of observing the way I do, is the ability to really form an unspoken connection with others. To really feel another and have a connection versus, a “white picket fence” connection. Going through the motions because that is the way it is supposed to be, decided upon by other people who don’t know the way it should be either.

Stronger together is not being weaker alone.

Admitting you need to humble yourself is hard. Even if you can do it, it is still scary and takes effort. This is one of those moments, to admit, I need someone else in my life.

I often wonder why people think they are stronger on their own. While I myself do feel strong in my own right and enjoy doing things myself, I often feel if I were to be able to find the right person to bring into my life and me theirs, I would be stronger not in my own person persay, but in the joint lives of us together. being me, but part of the whole.

I won’t lose who I am, and if I do the relationship is probably not working, or perhaps it worked really well and opened me up to a new way I wanted to go, but the key word is want. Even if you do not act differently with your loved one what you have with them vs what you have with yourself will always be different. Because no one is you BUT you, I always try to give what I can as much as I can of WHO I am so they can better assess a situation in which I may come to them or they come to me or even just KNOWING so they don’t have to do anything, which will bring comfort.

I mean obviously we all have our relationships where the relationship takes over all thoughts, pushes our lives to the side, and we want more than anything to Just think about the relationship itself. But because it is with another person we are allowing into our lives I think we are more judgmental on it than if we got really wrapped up in our jobs that make us money, or a video game that brings us simple pleasures.

I suppose I always question and wait for a legitimate or better yet an answer that rings true to me to answer the idea of “i prefer to be alone” when just like a cat or a small child, we all at the core value of ourselves yearn to be held and yearn to be with the comfort of others, for survival and “love”.

I have summed up a lot of what I think is a stigma for why people “say” they prefer their strength alone. Others opinions or jealousy’s. But what if that person was not clashing in those regards, wouldn’t it allow you to be strong still?

The key to this is we are so scared of not having success that we pass by the success of a relationship that could potential lift our whole selves to become more successful biologically 🙂

I watched 500 days of Summer and intently waited for the ending because I hoped this author finally had an answer to why people say, “I don’t want a label..” or “I prefer it casual” I wanted to see why this backfires.. and (spoiler) what it turned out to be, was not philosophical but the simple idea of, I date multiple people and those who I don’t think I see IN my life further than tomorrow are just that, casual, and those who might be get more of who I am and a bigger chunk of me. The character split herself between two or more people never really committing fully to one or the other but finally when she decided without the others knowing they existed who she felt fit into HER plan the most, the rest were left heart broken and unable to understand what just went on, because the emotion and love and sex, was just a filler for her to get her shit in order.

I still want to tackle that idea more and definitely want to get more opinions on it to. Anywhoo.

Worry about your #selfie

A “selfie” is defined usually as a picture shot of oneself using a mirror to reflect the image of the person holding the cellphone, often depicted as an apple iPhone, shirtless or making some sort of strange face, usually a duck face. By adding a hastag # to the front of the word #selfie it helps promote it via social media to other people searching that term.

Somewhere along the line here, people have become unbearably jaded for reasons that they probably don’t even believe in. Just because a new outlet somewhere or blog on the internet has deemed “Year of the #Selfie” to be a travesty, perhaps you should all pull back a bit and look at things like Fukushima, the Boston Marathon, Synthetic pot causing users to eat their own dogs, Natural disasters, a polar fucking vortex!

What a selfie usually ends up being is a person thinking, “Hey I look good today, I want to take a photo.” They look around for someone to take it, realize they are alone in their apartment or don’t want to walk up to the random person in the gym and feel like an idiot, so they use the technology in their hands to make it easy, flipping the camera or using a mirror, snap a picture. Then they look at the picture and either go, “Ewwww” or “Hmm that looks good, I want people to see this of me, it depicts what I am working on progress wise, I think I look good, or I SHARE EVERYTHING” Either way, they then publish this picture to social media like Instagram or Facebook. Tag it #selfie.

What the world is starting to look at it as,  “Why the fuck does that person get to be half naked in a mirror? How fucking full of themself!”(then thinks to self that they should do it but are “better”)(Because obviously you know someone from a selfie so well to call them narcissistic, when you are sitting there judging “who they are”… double standards are fun.)

“You fucking bitch, you have better tits, ass, abs, than me”.

“Your face looks stupid, what are you a duck?” (immediately tries it)

“You are not a teenage girl” (because for all the men, we think we are teenage girls, and for the girls they have magically forgotten what it was to feel young and have magically turned into the word “adult”, accepted cubicle life, and are perfectly content to ignore technology and hide in the shadows of their own self loathing…)

The same thing has happened with home movies and pictures. Back when the cameras and film were more expensive and less exposed, people would move the earth to make sure they posed for the photo being taken or went along with the stupid home movie. But put a camera in everyone’s hands and have it take up no space and you will constantly hear “Put that thing away”, “What could you possibly be recording?”. I dunno just the memories that my family had and shared with me as a growing adult, but I don’t need a lighting setup and 500 dollar film per minute. So even though those same videos are watched and loved by family after the fact, the gut reflex to reject it because it is much more prevalent in our lives is nauseating. The easier it is to do something the more people overlook it and do not condone it. But if it is a giant effort it must be legit. It is the difference between a new caster with an iPhone and full DSLR unit covered in microphones, lights, and accessories making it look much bigger than it really is or needs to be, 9/10 the people who are targeting news media to get exposure will go toward the “Fancy setup” than the “functional” one, regardless of if the results could be the same. I used to buy attachments for my cameras way back just to make myself look more “legit” at events. The inner psychi is fun.

Did you know men take more selfies than women? Did you know other men appreciate selfies from other men than women do to other women? Did you know men look at those selfies and appreciate muscles and form of other men in a “I want to achieve that” fashion? Did you know women take less selfies? Did you know women express their hatred of selfies way louder than men? Did you know women really are split 50/50 on who is attracted to your six pack and who just doesn’t care? Did you know most men feel as though their fitness will help their chances of finding the right woman? Did you know all of that is just primal instinct!?!? Did you also know that who the fuck cares, stop judging books by their covers!

I take selfies and I pick things up and put them down, does it mean I am a meat head? Nope. Does it mean I am completely vein? Maybe lol. But probably not. Will I stop? Nope, I like to keep a record of the way I look, even if it is ridiculous, who doesn’t like to go back and look at ridiculous photos of themselves.

So while you all start to eat up mass media’s approach to the #selfie… maybe what you really need to do is form an opinion of your selfie? Maybe you don’t even need to have an opinion… Maybe you can just let people use the cameras attached to their phones the way they want. Taking a selfie does not DEFINE someone. Judging someone else’s selfie does DEFINE you however.

My OKCupid Profile

My Self Summary

My profile is long, so if you are really pressed on time, message me, tell me about your day, and we can go from there. That or let’s just take a walk in the park (albeit it isn’t a polar vortex at the time).

My meyer’s Briggs is STFU.

I want someone in my life who has the same dedication as I do, so we can push each other and be the best versions of ourselves, FOR OURSELVES, together.

If you do want to know more here you go:

If you are looking for the guy who is mysterious, I may not be your choice, not because I am not good at keeping the intrigue going, keeping you on your toes, or being a “man”, but because I choose communication over fighting down the road over notions of “who I am with you” and “who I am with myself”. I can dress nice, I can grow a beard, I can also shave and look like a total bum. I am great with my hands, but also text faster than a jack rabbit, doing what jack rabbits do quickly. Perception really. Your wants at the time of reading this and my perception of what I want. Does that mean if we agree with each others profiles it is inception? *epic music here*

I observe the world around me intensely. I can totally chew gum and walk at the same time.

I guess I’m also supposed to tell you about how much I love life and like doing stuff and things. Something about sarcasm and friends and the city. Well, ok there ya go!

I believe finding yourself despite and in spite of societal infiltration is key to being 100% real, 100% authentic.

When it comes down to it, I need a challenge, not a game. One must be open to conversation and not afraid of debate as if it is confrontation. Laughter is a plus, even the awkward kind.

I come off as the little kid yelling “Mom, Mom Mom” still, but I’m just excited about most new things and people in my life. I’m really easy to talk to and can hold my own in a conversation and never struggle for something to talk about, hopefully you can contribute, although I can talk to myself too.

The most important thing to find in a another is someone who understands the risks of telling all, yet they do it anyway, because risk can kiss their ass.

I am 100% responsible for my 50% of the relationship, are you?

Spent a lot of time abroad; Zurich(a huge chunk of my childhood), Paris, London, Korea. Love the cultural difference out there. So much more to give right away with less stigma attached.

Btw I see a lot of “work in progress” written here.. believe it or not so is mine haha.

What I’m doing with my life

I’m a photographer and director.

Currently I shoot high fashion and dance. I love combining industry standards with the motion and energy of a professional dancer, be it a ballerina or contemporary.

It brings me back to my theatre major days where I was more comfortable in the green room than in a classroom.

I am convinced that the model world is backwards. The strength and beauty of the dancers I have worked with is out of this world. The energy alone they bring to a shoot is more than I could ever ask for. They really prove what I have always believed; that beauty is inside, passion, character, and hard work! This all equates to natural beauty, something overlooked too much in a Photoshop imbued world.

Photography to me is about capturing a moment in time filled with the emotion and character of the person in front of me. People often ask me “Is it fun to shoot pretty girls” and I always wince. That is not what photography is for me. Male, Female, young and old, it is so much about capturing an expression, a breadth of air, rather than just a pretty face. Working with people open to themselves and working to get them to open to me and an open space that is both scary and exhilarating, is why I shoot, it is why I am a photographer and director. It is that interaction that makes it fun. It is that hour of makeup and first look where I am more interested in getting to know you as much as possible to really be able to capture that moment, on that day, of who you are, that excites me. It is challenging and invigorating.

“The question about why I blur the lines between life and art… There is no job, there is just the art. There is no start at 9 we finish at 5, it is part of our life and everything we do without even trying moves without effort from the reality of our life, to the fiction of our art. And they do cross-fertilize and they do segue into each other.” – Baz Luhrmann

Oh this means I am a dance photographer and a director at the moment.(ask about my other moments if ya like) And my hours are not normal and at any given time I am thinking about my life and work simultaneously but still don’t let my work define who I am or the other way around. You can take a look at my work at if ya want.

(Need a better OkCupid profile pic? Hit me up, my friends already have haha). I also write and take random dance photos with people I shoot because it makes me feel like a badass.

Do the above things define me? Prolly not, I just make sure to wake up everyday and do ONE thing that I love. And there are many things I love.

Here stalk away

I’m really good at

– Not taking it all too seriously.

– Making you laugh, smile, and feel comfortable no matter the situation.

– Taking it a breath at a time while forgetting to breath.

– Thinking things out and actually acting on the conclusion.

– Writing my stream of consciousness to anyone and anywhere.

– Helping people get from one place to the next in life, through talking and my writing.

– Not being one of the cool kids.

– Observing the small things

-Hugs.. no seriously.. I am a pro

 (this was post desk job and pre get my ass into gear mode. So I still hug really well just a little less hug available for physical reasons 😛 )

The first things people usually notice about me

– Multitasking conversations and remembering when you ask “What were we talking about?”

– My first message is not nearly as exciting as my second!

– I use way to many freakin’ emoticons. 😛

– My hair, defies gravity and molds to any shape.

– I am actually 5’10 and don’t have Napoleon syndrome even if you were 6’2.

-How no matter what I do, every photo of me looks different, regardless that I am a photographer… and how fucking impossible it is to get my blue eyes to show in a 


 (yes I just hashtagged that shit..)

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Waiting for House of Cards Season 3….

The six things I could never do without

Checking okcupid or tinder alerts during a first date

“Googling it” during a conversation

Ignoring phone calls to text the reply

Not making eye contact

Long drawn out messaging or texting before meeting

Messages about how it must be great to be a dancer.


…I’m doing this wrong….

(For those of you who don’t get it, perhaps my username is accurate and sarcasm just doesn’t play out well on these things)


– Multitasking conversations and remembering when you ask “What were we talking about?”
– My first message is not nearly as exciting as my second!
– I use way to many freakin’ emoticons. 😛
– My hair, defies gravity and molds to any shape.
– I am actually 5’10 and don’t have Napoleon syndrome even if you were 6’2.
-How no matter what I do, every photo of me looks different, regardless that I am a photographer… and how fucking impossible it is to get my blue eyes to show in a
(yes I just hashtagged that shit..)

Everyone always says music, but music has its own category for me. Music can make me calm, it can make me energetic, it can change my entire mood, it can make me cry, it can literally make me feel a season. But I am not talking about the Top 100. I am talking MUSIC. So if you too “like music”, that is good.

Oh and if you can sing, you have won my soul 😛

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Why so many people list humor and sarcasm in their profiles, is there an abundance of stiffs on here? Is it just our way of “smiling” through the pain in the ass of having to be on a dating site versus happily spooning right now? I mean I LIKE SARCASM AND HUMOR as much as the next person but for fucks sake that should not be something you can’t live without! Also if you understand sarcasm through texts… you are way more advanced than I am. Fucking 80’s. Basically everyone just wants a really dull clown without the makeup. Ugh I hate clowns. “It” ruined my childhood.

When my next meal is.(inner fatty)

What it would be like to be a scene kid….

What IS a scene kid exactly….

How the reflection in a subway window always makes you look awesome.

If you think you know my “type” from this profile.. and if I should say something like I am the 51st shade of grey to make me sound kinkier or more intriguing(ask for the story). If I should tell you about my nerdy side or the fact that I don’t actually have a cool side. If I should mention the Emmy to solidify my geek. Perhaps that I love to/and default to being in control, but secretly wish someone would take it. There is a ton I think about and more over love to share and get deep into until our eyes begin to close and we wake up and go to a diner in our now wrinkled clothes from the night before.

Why the culture of girls being raised on Disney’s ideal Prince Charming and guys the perfect internet porn star, it is no wonder the wires are so crossed half the time.

How we don’t have to meet at the pinnacle of perfection we just have to meet and be open to communication and understanding. Then if what ever interested us at our first “spark” is strong enough as we travel along our own life lines we will actually become two people who encourage and inspire one another.

On a typical Friday night I am

blah blah blah, a-typical, blah blah blah

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

Walls are for buildings. I am pretty open with what I share.

Otherwise we work so hard to break down the fictitious wall, by the time we get through, the rubble from yours has dropped and built up mine.

I truly believe if your heart is not bruised, cut, and bandaged by the time you meet the person you are meant to be with, you didn’t do it right. Have to be open to the bad to truly find the good.

Whoa tangent…

I suppose a good one would be… I really love the color pink and will do my best to live vicariously through the person I am with to fulfill that love.

You should message me if

I never thought I would say this, but “You want to”, many people have messaged or told me that guys react weird to girls messaging first… I am not a mind reader unless we “like each other”. So feel free to message me first or just like me, I won’t judge you haha. So weird. Online dating “rules”.

You know you and I are not perfect, but finding that balance of imperfections will be a really awesome moment.

You can look past my wall of text in this profile and understand this is just a moment of words, not a specific thing, person, type or ideal I want.

You think if a man cannot take a shirtless selfie, than a girl cannot take a finger mustache selfie…

You are emotionally available and value our memories over the ones we have already facebooked.

You agree this is a problem:

You understand that I don’t love you:

You aren’t the one making online dating complicated:

Your ideal first date is somewhere that doesn’t smell like piss and regret.

You realize I am not your ex-boyfriend and won’t treat me as such. As well even though I often make the perfect “first date” to go on with if you just broke up with a boyfriend, and you are actually not on here for dating, but you want company and need help sorting the massive mind fuck you and him created for one another, I am going to charge you per hour. I am here so I never have to be here ever again :P, organically, naturally, and with time of course.

If you can multitask thoughts, understand that I am not married to just one outcome of a conversation, and enjoy talking because it leads to… more talking. We should get along well. 🙂

P.S. Please be open to the idea of a Skype chat or FB(instagram whatever lol) friend request prior to meeting. I am tired of meeting people who picked their best pictures from 10 years prior. I am serious. Sure looks aren’t everything, but this is ONLINE dating, not SURPRISE I am actually 50.

Small disclaimer: I have zero tolerance for any sort of games that cause me to second guess if I should wait 1-3 days before calling. I don’t like to waste time, I am hungry for knowledge of those around me. This is the jaded sound of someone who has dealt with people afraid of getting to know each other but prefer holding onto the idea of “dating”. More than a text or two or the yearn to see you again, doesn’t mean I love you or am too serious. It just means I am excited to know more. Trust me, your first impression will NEVER be that amazing where I drop the rest of my life to attach myself to your hip. I enjoy my life too. Ok rant over.

Being allergic to animals would be a bad thing, I have two that are probably the sluttiest creatures I have ever met and if you ever meet them, they will want more time with you than me.

You love reading and want to read more about my thoughts:

What friends & family say about who would be a good match for me:
Someone who looks at life as Tristan does, with the same sense of humor and independent outlook. Also someone who is into fitness, but not too obsessed above all else. A good heart. A good friend. Adventurous. A person who easily laughs it off, but is not totally dependent on Tristan for their happiness. Someone who appreciates when a “guy” does a non-Mars thing.(he grew up with 5 sisters) Someone who accepts who they are and who Tristan is. Someone with a strong personality, that can be both intellectual but also street smart at times. They would be concerned with looking good but not obsessed in a superficial way. They would also need to have a similar sense of humor that could be open about things.

Say something, I’m giving up on you. Anywhere, I, would have followed you.

“Say something, I’m giving up on you. Anywhere, I, would have followed you.”

(Link to song: )

This song really resonated with me earlier this year, err last year? I realized that I am incredibly susceptible to silence. Not the silence that makes sense because you have established a relationship, a knowledge of one another, or something that resembles a long term relationship understanding. I am not talking about silence needed to give space and room to your significant others or friends. I am talking about knowing enough about someone to know there is a whirlwind of emotion and trouble going on where you just wish you were “just a friend”, because of the idea that a title such as boyfriend or significant other or dating has literally hindered any further ability to communicate freely, cry openly, bitch and moan without worry. The idea of making the other person happy, is fulfilled by actually including them into your darkest moments. Feeling that even if they need space that you are someone who can help to achieve it. Feeling as though there wasn’t enough groundwork laid for a complete shut out of words to be a way that we could, together, work through the world ahead of us. Being able to give space and time I can do, and I am so willing to, but how can that happen when there isn’t a baseline of… well.. reciprocated love?

I often speak of European culture and the difference between American culture of “How are you”. The difference between a response of “NM, You?” and an actual representation of how they are regardless of good or bad. We shared that together. You comforted me with your life, your experience, your acceptance. But it all turned to shit and sorrys became more prevalent than actions to show you actually believed what you lived, experienced, and shared with me. 

In this case I felt as though if it wasn’t good, I wasn’t privy. I read into astrological signs a bit and find them interesting to say the least and I find myself a Leo in the sense that I need positive reinforcement for the little things. I need the other person to be open to letting it all hang out with me or I tend to think they are not interested or have anything interesting to offer. I think this also has to do with how I was brought up, I looked to avoid clashes, yelling, and all sorts of unnecessary drama by reading the signs prior to the explosion, trying to cut off the head of the dragon before it blew fire. So I feel cheated when I am stuck in a dark room without any idea of what to expect next, when the other person isn’t an enemy, a righteous boss, a confused parent, but my lover. The person I want to share myself with beyond love. 


Every one of my last relationships has ended because “love” was enough for them. “Love” is the beginning of opening up the rest of your life. It lifts the weight of trying to find the unattainable life goal so you can do other things magical with the love, the person you have found, and your life in general. So why stay in a relationship defined by hopelessness, I am not a hopeless romantic, I am hopeful. Should you be “waiting” for the perfect moment? Is it like where you love your job but don’t know if it is where you want to be till the end, so you stick it out waiting to see what will  happen in a few years time that may push you closer, further, or to a similar path? So should you be waiting or should you be fixing, actively, or is the waiting, part of the fixing. There is no black and white to any of this shit. It is what works for you or what pushes your brain to the edge of insanity allowing you to evolve to the place you need to be. 

I see so much about a person I am intimate with through body language, eye contact, and voice inflection, it shows me love, it shows me concern, it shows me their own pain, and in the case where these moments are far and few inbetween, that helps me to sleep better at night. So I sit here trying my best to predict the move before it happens, not knowing if we are even playing chess or checkers. I forget, what it looks like, if they remember how to show me it, if they want to give it or if they are on a completely different timeline than me and just don’t care enough to share it with me anymore. Everything in every bone tells me otherwise when I do get the moment to see those eyes, darkened by pixelated screens and closed down exposures. It gives me hope. But hope for what? I know what I hope for, but can someone hope if there is no one else out there hoping back? Am I sitting in the window singing a song from Fievel only to be met with stars and space. Space which should make the heart grow fonder, but seems to be breaking it apart. Am I singing to nothing? Somewhere, out there, beneath the pale moon light…

Is your life moving on the same timeline as mine?

I swear depending on where you are in life your life moves at different speeds. Ever have a dream and wake up instantly? Ever have a dream that lasted days?But in reality it was still the same time period in terms of a clock time. Now apply that same idea to a job or a year of life. How fast did your week feel? How long did the last few years feel? If I felt like my week sped by and you felt it crawl by does our perception of time actually change how we would see each other? If I said I will talk to you in a week and my week flew by but yours was drawn out, would you feel like I was ignoring you or as if you needed to find someone else to talk to when it felt as though all I thought about was you?

Not knowing is the worst part of it all. Not having closure one way or another. I have written about love and how I have always gone into relationships with my heart of my sleeve and figured hey, if they punch it, oh well, I will bleed a bit and get back out there. So I will not do it any differently here, but this also clashes with what I wrote about love being extremely scary.

Love is scary.

So it is a strange thing to feel this way about another person.

There is so much of the equation you will never know because in the end you are both two different people with different thoughts and minds.

But when it feels right there is something to it that makes you think you can read their mind and them you.

But I think the scariest thing is something that happened recently, watching her put away my laundry, feeling sick, and completely out of it, yet I sat in the bed and watched her. And with everything playing against the situation and an increasingly upset stomach on my end as well, I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to ever have to.

And I think that is where it becomes scary to feel this strongly for someone. When you realize, wow, if they leave, die, or just turn into jerk faces, it is going to hurt.

But I have always gone into relationships with my heart of my sleeve and figured hey, if they punch it, oh well, I will bleed a bit and get back out there. So I will not do it any differently here, but it just feels soo much more intense.

Plus you wonder, does it just happen like this? Have I found that person? It is something we all want but when faced with the reality of it, it is freakin scary.

Instead of thinking a year into the future with random thoughts of “If it works” my brain has already played out 30 years from now. At least I haven’t considered dying next to her yet, although I have considered where I would retire and how that would be. Lol. Dammit so probably like 50 years in the future! BY THE WAY YOU ALL DO IT so don’t deny it lol. It isn’t me sitting in my room contemplating it for hours it is fleeting quick thoughts that flash by as quickly as you blink.

We are still in the moments where we spend a better half of a day in bed just staring at each other and making witty banter. Then we realize our day is gone and we rush to do normal everyday things. But somehow, and I am yet to figure this one out yet, we fit in a WHOLE lot of substance to our conversations and days even if it feels rushed at the end after we sat in bed all day.

Nothing prepares you though for the day you are literally boiling over from the insides to tell someone you love them, it spilling out in a messy tear filled, jerky sounds, and not flattering at all, but being so real that it was nothing short of perfect. But then only able to feel as though those words have changed everything for the worse. Not because of the words, but because of what chain reaction they caused in a very unstable scenario. Turning your love from a gentle amazing moment, perfect in everyway, to the reason the pain and the hurt now exists. Resentment. How do you heal that?

Giving yourself, putting yourself out, and thinking… shit, now I have to wait more or perhaps it is never coming again. You see her in everyone, you hear here in everything, you picture you both doing the littlest of things. You realize life was better as a whole.

But perhaps, even that was just an early facade. Perhaps this is a very clear reflection of that small bit of “crazy” we were not compatible with and ultimately a “deal breaker”. You were told they believed in your words, you were told they agreed with your thoughts, you saw they experienced the culture, you saw they experienced what it was to love, so why was your love and everything you did after not seem to move them to accept it. Why has love become the wall? Why for an immediately open communication, beautiful exchange, and wonderful chemistry has a block formed so thick that you stay awake nights tossing and turning because you just feel as if they can’t let go of something they most likely are over; you. Why do you feel like the only reason you even get a text or call anymore is out of pity and confusion on how to truly end this. Why does it have to be with this person who everyday became more beautiful to you. Why does it have to be with someone who made you feel so much happier. Why does this have to be with someone who you feel could have inspired you to reach new heights of your own ambition and you to them. Why has this turned into the feeling of “fixing” and not “embracing, acknowledging, sharing, and being open”. If I link one more Image or motivational quote that I live by such as “Happiness is not circumstance-dependent.” I will forget who I am trying to convince. I trusted you, it wasn’t just a feeling but an educated expression of what could be, was and might be.

I will always love her. I don’t think that changes. I just think this time, love was not enough for one main reason, time. Time, that ugly mean mother fucker, revealed the truth. But I see her in everyones eyes, I smell her in every breeze, and I sense her personality in every characterized movie. But there is nothing more I can do. I have given my all. I have worn my heart on my sleeve and never thought twice. I have accepted our differences and loved her harder as things became harder. But you can’t love alone. You can’t fight alone. You can’t share to no one. “Maybe if I leave and come back another time” I say to myself. “Maybe if I give the ultimate space”. But I know, I KNOW, if I did that it would be over. There would be no later. It doesn’t work that way. Our lives would no longer have any strings to tie us together. She would eventually become whole and someone else would fill in her new found happiness. The thing that really makes me boil is that I accept her even if it is tears. But I will not try to fix anything, I will just be me. I have tried to “fix” too many times and I am left empty by the time it is “fixed”. Or should I say patched. No matter what a person’s core is what it is, and even if you patch it up, you leave and it doesn’t get any better, they have to choose that themselves. So you feel double the hurt because you feel as though you let them down and you lost someone.

Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.

How long does it take for love to turn toxic? I think the most impactful part of that song is the “I’m giving up on you”. Because I am. I really would have climbed mountains with you. I would have made it work because each and everyday your flaws and beauty became better and better. But you didn’t seem to want the same. There is so much hypocrisy in the words you once told me and the person you currently are. There is a difference between families being different and not making room for me, almost embarrassed to let me in, blaming a situation rather than admitting it is personal. There is a difference between needing space and ignoring. There is a difference between saying you like a culture that is open and sharing and then closing off completely. There is a difference between me finding that balance of my own needs for open book and your extroverted introvert versus not working together at all. I feel alone, yet all I can think about is you. I may have anxiety and social restrictions in my life, but I am willing to work so damn hard on them and break out of the comfort zone to figure this out, but not even a breadcrumb makes me feel very alone in the woods.

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you. Anywhere, I, would have followed you. Say something, I’m giving up on you. I will swallow my pride, you’re the one that I love and I’m saying goodbye.” Because we don’t have enough of a foundation to survive without the “Say Something” literally, figuratively, abstractly.

2013 Comes to an End.

It all leads up to this; the day where a ball drops down to chime in the New Year and the metaphorical weight of the previous year is lifted or solidified.

The celebration of the New Year is either something I look forward greatly like last year when I held my own party at my own house with really cool friends or dread. Maybe it is because I had the perfect example of the dream New Years at the age of 16. Girlfriend by my side, dressed up to the nines, at some high end party where we felt totally out of place, but because we were with each other, we were able to joke about the situation, enjoy the chocolate covered strawberries, escape for a cigarette away from the stuffiness, and ultimately living in each others eyes until the ball dropped and our lips kissed, hinting the flavors of high quality Champagne. I can hardly even make out faces or people from that night, only her. Maybe it was because on the drive home that night it began to snow and we danced in the street to “our song” with a candle from the glove box lit on the roof of my little red car.

Or maybe it was because after that I decided to skip out on the “family New Years” and go to parties. All of which ended up with disappointment. People wanting to get wasted till they puked into the new year never made much sense to me. Searching a party or a bar for a New Years kiss seemed extremely impersonal and contrived.

Or perhaps it was the low key New Years I then subsequently spent with cousins, friends, or family after that. Relaxing and ringing in the New Year with a guaranteed relaxed good time. No pressure and no expectations.

Or maybe it is because New Years is the one holiday of the year that can actually make me yearn for someone next to me and tap into my independence, cut it down, and make me lonely.

I don’t wait until the clock and calendar line up perfectly to make changes in my life and the barrage of “resolutions” and “see ya later shitty _ _ _ _ year” all seem silly to me. When I need to make changes or get drunk off my ass, I do it. I don’t need a party hat to make it official. I enjoy every year be it good or bad. I learn each year what kind of person I am more and more.

So why is it that this year I have decided to spend the New Year alone? I guess it could be a culmination of the entire year in itself. The lack of complete 100% motivation to really commit to my life, my career, and tackle that which is my inner psychi. Shit I hardly wanted to talk to it. Perhaps it is realizations that perhaps the last few years were not what I expected and much of it falls on my own shoulders for what I would and would not do. A mindset, a stubbornness, and brick wall. Maybe this year I have finally decided to take my “accepting” nature of good bad and ugly and actually do something about it, causing me to have to drive the road with the most speedbumps, the most heartache, and the scariest unknown outcomes. This year I am about to put it all out there, put myself on the line. I already gave an emotional bit of me that I had never really given into before and now I try to approach myself and my career. There is a lot of really good groundwork laid that is helping me to conquer my fear of myself as well. It goes so much deeper than just a clock ticking or a number at the end of 3 others changing.

So why did I put very little effort into actually organizing ANY type of New Years plan? I guess it was because I had planned something in my head and it didn’t quite pan out, making everything else seem mediocre. And so I sit here New Years Eve knowing it will be over soon and waiting in angst for it to end so that I can go on with my plan, I can continue to poke and prod my complicated brain against the grain of what it likes to do, I can learn how to love deeper, I can work harder, I can drive myself to have drive itself.

So I sit here thinking of next year, not as a New Years lost but as the specific day that halts the world on end, making me sit here and reflect even for the tiniest of moments.

2014 does look to be a good year. Then again the end of 2013 was starting the groundwork as well(I mean come on I use INSTAGRAM NOW!!). But only if I make it that way. So let the hours tick away, let the confetti stream across the streets, and let the cleaning crew cover it up as if it never happened already so I can wake up and continue on this journey that is life, with those close to me, with those new to me, and with myself known and unknown; knowing I will push because I believe I can and want to, not because the year is over or the past year was hard. I am finally ready to do something about.. well everything. Not to mention some people are already in the New Year… so perhaps I could get a jump on it 😛

Happy New Year to you all, see you in 201…. tomorrow.

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