These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Tag: girlfriend

Online Dating is no less organic than Analog Dating

What do online dating and analog dating (in person) have in common?

I mean we could break it down like my previous Podcast Online dating is simple, you are the one making it difficult by the two simple truths of what we all look for in a potential date:

1. Is the other person attractive to us?

2. Do we share similar likes/dislikes?

And like I said then, those two things are no different in real life vs online. For all of you who think online dating is inorganic, there is a massive amount of projection happening to cause it to be that way. This begins with the WHY you signed up for online dating in the first place. The most common “wrong reasons to join online dating” I’ve run across are, “ I just got out of a relationship, but didn’t heal yet”, “I am not here for dating but looking for an ego boost/more instagram followers”, “I feel I am not worth it” and as you get older “I just got divorced”. There are many other reasons, but these are the top ones I’ve run into.

So one might say the consequences of online dating are of human design and nature. Not of online dating itself. Mind you, there are also the predatory practices these apps use, such as monetizing our futures and pay gating “who likes you” to make you pay for the dopamine, very similar to gamification gambling you see in games from microtransaction mobile games and the like.

End of the day the only inorganic thing is the amount of choice and ease of approach. In person you have to get up the nerve to say hello, online you hit enter and never look back(hoping the app doesn’t charge you to match). In real life you get to see the person immediately, with more depth perception and being able to compare them to yourself, a 3D version, and that attraction is what makes you want to say “hi” or go in for the approach, not their amazing ability for “sarcasm” or their “love of travel”.

So you don’t need to read their Bio, but you want to know it eventually!

Let’s step back for a moment and really look at this granularly. Some new things emerging in online dating which are contrary to how “dating” used to be are what truly blur the lines more between online and analog dating more and more: Many people think it is ‘creepy’ if you try to meet them in person too quickly. I myself, personally find FaceTime prior to meeting a necessity. It stops the “best foot forward, perfect moment” pressure. Not only that, it is a great way to build that first date becoming more engaging and less “jittery”. It is also a fantastic way to weed out those who misrepresent themselves, which I find to be extremely disconcerting, not because of the shallow reasons, but because any relationship foundation built off a lie, is not a good beginning. Even if it is a poor sense of self, this red flags that the other person has work to do without you.

So not only are there these unspoken, but highly enforced rules on how many txts you send to someone, or times you communicate prior to meeting, but now there are these added rules of when you can ask someone to meet without being “creepy”. These strange time gates on the organic nature of life, again, a consequence of societal design, are causing a strange inorganic nature to what should be us embracing technology to enhance that first meeting. A way for us to get to know each other in a safe environment at a deeper level before our first date, let alone first kiss. It presents a welcome boundary between our blood flow to our privates and more emphasis on what is in our minds. It gives us breadth to get to know one another beyond puppy dog love and grow a spark rather than electrocute one another with it. You can listen more about that in the podcast “The “Romantic Spark” is Burning Your Chances. But there is truly something amazing about having a physical boundary, through the likes of say a Facetime, between your new person and the ability to just fuck. Because if and when you do get there, from experience, I can tell you it is so much more amazing.

So let’s break it down even further and consider Analog dating. I meet you in person, establish a connection, maybe even grab a drink with you or walk in the park right then and there. At the end of the “date” if it went well, we are going to exchange numbers and guess what, it once again ends up ONLINE. No matter how you look at it, we are in an era of Online. Unless we plan to send snail mail to set up plans, everything we do is online. We are exchanging numbers, instagrams, facebooks, or … snapchat.. Ughh. 

So here we are, Analog dating but then converting to “online dating” without even realizing it. And all the above Online Dating societal blockages repeat. We are subject to blocking one another, ghosting, breadcrumbing, or whatever trend in online dating is, well, trending. We text too much perhaps, we get comfortable in the virtual “is typing” bubbles, and the “second date limbo” occurs, another Podcast of mine .

I may sound cynical, but I truly believe if two people embrace online dating, the inorganic nature of it becomes organic, because after all, we are in the age of Online. Once you embrace this, you can truly be your true selves to find the truth in dating with another person. Be it “this isn’t going to work but thank you for the Video chat” or “Would you like to go out again friday at 7?” It allows us to interact with one another organically, as we blur the lines of the “inorganic and organic” more and more with our undoubtedly “connected” worlds both in life and dating. Maybe instead of everyone writing “love travel” as their interests on their profiles, which I am not saying you can’t love travel, maybe we should write, “loves doom scrolling to go to sleep, on their smartphone”, perhaps then, we will be closer to being truthful with ourselves and others, making the hypothetical “inorganic” the actuality that, being plugged in, is now organic.

The more we “like” the less we see.

“Cool photo you took!”

And with that I double click it, and scroll to the next, thinking to myself, I’ll see it again later cause Instagram stores my likes, but guess what, I never do. So I spend less time properly absorbing what is in-front of me, and more time, scrolling to the next.

The average user spends less than 3 seconds per image on Instagram, that includes time to click like.

We are archiving the things we are seeing these days and putting them into meaningless “lists”, never to be seen again. Kinda like that time you shot the fireworks on your phone’s camera and later in the year were like:

“FUCK YEAH I AM SO GLAD I SHOT THESE FIREWORKS ON MY SHITTY ASS CAMERA WITH A HORRIBLE MIC, I AM WATCHING THIS AGAIN!”.

But if it wasn’t bad enough that we endlessly scroll through each “firework” of our social media lives now we create “Pods” and “Bots” to do the scrolling for us. We automate the scrolling and liking process because we want to grow our “influence” faster.

But what are you influencing when 99% of the instagram nobody is doing the exact same thing. You are converting a society that created Beethoven’s Symphony, put men in space, into the digital simulated “drones” that Elon Musk believes we are living in. And even if we are not in a simulation, powering our alter simulations lives, we have pretty much become so many steps disconnected from actually connecting with one another that the idea of others botting us as we bot them to grow our “influence” doesn’t seem to matter.

Why doesn’t anyone understand that the like or “Awesome!” comment on their photo means absolutely nothing if no one is actually there to mean it? Or to spend the time walking between photos or places or people and interating with them like you might in a museum, or intimate party, or exotic vacation. Without documenting it, just looking at it, seeing it. Soaking it in for more than the 3 seconds allocated for an archival process never to be looked at again.

Barney Bailey could sell you fire in water, but this is far worse and you all, myself included, bought in. Because we know, or we hope, that perhaps if I bot longer than subject 2917271 bots that I will grow .1% more followers and likes and “engagements” to be recognized for a brand deal that actually pays me for all this time I am spending.

Engagements.. Haha how do we even quantify this anymore. I comment on your photo, hoping you comment on my photo, hoping that will drive me into the algorithm of “seen posts” and someone else will comment on the photo, but they are commenting on the most popular photo in hopes that someone else will comment on their… DO YOU SEE THE ENDLESS FUCKING LOOP OF ABSOLUTE NOTHING?

We have created a system in which nothing, not a damn interaction, not the “color scheme” of your page, your content, your “engagement”, matters. Not even brands who endorse “influencers” understand this shit fully, and to be honest, if I were you and you have paid endorsements, ride it the fuck out hard until it eventually either implodes or our new currency in life becomes likes. Like cryptocurrency mining, but like and “engagement” mining. We are already putting enough energy and “effort” into these kinds of actions that we could most likely have randomly typed Shakespeare faster than the monkeys if the likes were random keystrokes.

But this is the world right now. Never seeing, only archiving, with no intent of looking back. Wondering why they feel empty, alone, and stuck without a sense of permanence in the world. We created this world.

We fuel this world.

Wake the fuck up and fight for your right to be human again and not an automated system.

We define how technology defines us, not the other way around. But if you keep clicking “like” in hopes for your “like” or because “well I will look at it later”, the cycle continues and those who benefit from it, will encourage you to continue feeding the system that makes them money.

We have more choices than we think when we decide what defines as in society, online, commercially. We have the power to stop using a product, stop putting money into things that hurt us or we dislike, and we have the power to change a lot, by smacking those in the wallet who would try to have only their own interests in mind to stop it from happening.

So let’s challenge ourselves in 2019 to be present more and utilize technology to make us better not… automated.

The “Romantic Spark” is Burning Your Chances

“I’m sorry I just didn’t feel the Romantic Spark”

This is what I was told just recently after asking if I could call someone I swiped on from an online dating site. I thought, let’s see if we can hold a conversation before we meet so make sure we don’t waste time at an awkward dinner or coffee meeting. If anything I wonder why more people don’t want to do this! It is a great way to weed out the weirdos! But that aside, we talked for about 20 minutes as she got ready to go to a class and was running around her house getting dressed and seemed kinda stressed. No biggie, nothing big was being talked about, it was just a general, “Hello, I am real, you are real, nice to hear your voice with inflection!”

The next day I texted to see if they wanted to grab a coffee and I got the response above.

I sat there for a moment, kinda dumbfounded. Is this how quickly people expect to find romance? To feel the “connection” to another human being that is multi faceted? Someone you never met, never smelled, never looked into their eyes? Never shared physical space with?

I was talking to my trainer about it this morning and I said, it is kind of like if someone came in for a session, worked out hard, and at the end of the session looked in the mirror and told him, “Yeah, I don’t see any results, this isn’t working.”

What the fuck has happened to us as human beings? Are we that addicted to the dopamine of the instant “click”, the “excitement of new people that if we don’t have the nearly 1 in a million experience of “love at first sight” (yes I was on the pilot for that show), that knowing we can keep swiping until we get our fix for it, we can just toss away the idea of anything that remotely resembles “getting to know someone” and “learning to love them for who they are, what they believe in, how we get along, and in person interactions experiences we have together”?

Shit if you want fireworks that badly at the first meeting, if you have iMessage I can send them right away!

Now there is the one obvious answer to all of this which is that people are just not strong enough to tell you the truth as to why they are not interested in you. So they make up a reason that they feel is the least intrusive. But seriously, in this case it’s OK to tell the truth. It is OK to answer a text with an unpopular answer. It is OK to tell someone what is on your mind. It is OK to be uncomfortable doing it as well! (I have talked about how we really need to start “getting hurt” again) So stop with the “I didn’t feel a romantic click” lines after texting someone for 10 seconds and just say “I don’t think we are compatible for X reason”. 99/100 times it will give everyone closure.

Mind you there are the crazies, but they don’t define the majority of us.

So please, just be honest. Shit I have gone on a date where I told the person when I met them in person, “I am sorry you don’t look like your photos and I feel a bit deceived, so I am going to head out, but thank you for coming to meet me regardless. Good luck!”

But to me I think it is a deeper problem. An addiction to the feeling of “new romance” the addiction to the massive exposure to so many people and the excitement of puppy love, that what is happening is people are no longer aware of how to actually build a foundation for a relationship. How love comes in time. How you can grow your love based on experiences and interactions together. How love doesn’t always have a set path or reason. How it isn’t a rush to the finish but a step at a time, enjoying the moments you get to spend with another human and allow them into your life, and to share yours with them. The love that comes from truly “falling in love” not pretending we are legos and “clicking” it all together.

So again, I am taken aback by the way we as a society are assimilating to what these dating sites tell us to do. How we should feel. How we should interact. Taking out more and more of the personalizations and adding more emojis, quick responses, canned responses, and cheesy “List your fav color for match percentages”. These dating sites have a business model. And if you actually form a long lasting relationship, guess which site doesn’t get paid? Think about that for a second. Now take those extra seconds and give people a chance with the extra time. Don’t take excitement and enthusiasm as bad signs, but use them to grow. Stop swiping just for a minute, figure out if we can create some moments together, and inspire each other! Then let that go wherever it may go, even if it ends up not working. One must be open to conversation and not afraid of debate as if it is confrontation. Opening yourself up for rejection to see if you truly understand the complexities of another person.

Hardest part though is this all starts with you. So yes perhaps there was another reason that text was sent, but from my experience, it is no longer the logical answer, but the illogical endorphin rush needed to make the tedious task of swiping and telling your favorite color over and over entertaining and feeling worthwhile, but at the expense of true connections.

“Making Love” – When our eyes become the dialogue.

Have you ever fucked? I have. But have you ever made love without cringing at the thought of some love infused, inflated hallmark bullshit moment of clarity, unobtainable in a society filled with euphemisms and broken promises of the next best thing, let alone even be able to mouth the words “make love” without throwing up in ones mouth slightly, while giggling? I have.

I laid in a bed and rested my arms on the pillow beside her head. My chest lightly resting on hers, my elbows folded and arms arms by her ears, hands around her head.  My position not indicative of any motion other than perhaps a small tilt back and forth. Yet even after years of numbing internet porn and personal fetishes and kinks, I will never forget what it felt like… to not care about the foreplay, the outfit, the music, or the right motion for pleasing myself or her because in that moment, in that locked moment both physically and emotionally, with all the images I could have brought to mind or ability to ravish her body with my eyes, me leaning over her in what can only be described as the most classical girl/boy position, I met her for the first time all over again.

This was not the first time we had sex. It was by far not the last, but it was certainly the most memorable and amazing sex I ever experienced. It all happened in the eyes. We were locked so close to one another, able to kiss softly where I could lift my head just enough to make out her face in a photographic depth of field blur causing the sides of her face to melt into the bed sheets and her eyes to pierce mine. As if I were 40 feet away but the distance causing the perfect Bokah effect of our faces. I looked into her eyes and her into mine. The lights were on dimly, we didn’t close our eyes to match expectations or fears of not doing it by the book. Yet we were in an almost missionary position that could bring yawns to most couples faces if asked in passing how they like to fuck in passing on the street… an Elizabethan approach on love making these days, but because of it’s traditional positioning, the man on top, the girl underneath him, the weight being equally distributed by some defying physics, and the feeling of safety that came from the cocoon we created around each other, and our eyes became the dialogue.  We stared at each other and I stayed inside her and her around me. We moved slightly but each time her eyes kept my gaze, every moment I knew she wasn’t going to look away, I became more aroused and more in love. My arms were around her causing an acoustical anomaly echoing every sound in this small world we had created, that could drown out the worst day, leaning in to kiss her neck and hearing my lips on her skin and her breath in my ear or her moan through the vibration of my lips…

She didn’t need a Disney princess and I didn’t need a modern day porn star. We just needed to know one anthers inflections of the eyes. And we spoke to one another with every single movement. We were pressed up against each other and our bodies did what came naturally, but our eyes gave us comfort, they gave us hope, they gave us a sense of calm. We would kiss, eyes wide open and then just rest on each other’s foreheads and stare. No motion changing the angle, no outside influence telling us what to do. We guided one another with our eyes and it became apparently clear in that moment what it truly meant to love someone and share it intimately.

I don’t believe in love at first site, I believe in attraction, pheromones, compatibility, likes, dislikes… In a world where we meet someone way before we “meet them” there are so many factors we can’t control: will we like their smell? Will we like their voice? Will our bodies fit in relation to one another? Personality and music taste is a characteristic not a predetermined part of us. We have so little control over so many of the big pieces of the dating puzzle, but when those pieces line up and we get to that moment where we are exposed and naked laying together, starring into each other’s eyes, allowing our breath in our chests to move our bodies, letting nature take over, if there is love, it is the most exotic, sensual love you can ever feel.

I can only hope everyone gets to that date or moment like I did. Mine didn’t last forever but I will never forget it and I will always remember it as if it is a bookmark of a chapter in a book I really must read again when I finally find the right book that is worth getting to the metaphorical end.

For now that book lays on my shelf and I eagerly await when I can read again but with all the experience and life under my belt to make the words new, the interpretations different, and the sensations unique to the person I say I love you too… again, but willingly, openly, and accepting of. I will allow my heart to break until I have to buy another book shelf to put the these moments on, if that means, eventually, I never have to read again.

Does he, did he care?

I have been in my fair share of breakups. I was recently talking with someone very close to me and she explained her recent breakup. It resonated with me. She told me how she felt as though she were ready for it, but regardless she sat there and cried. She even asked if she could have a moment to just sit and cry before leaving to go to work. The guy said, yes take all the time you need. This causing more tears to roll from her eyes. His kindness was comforting but felt dissociated and wrong because they were no longer a couple now.

She said to him, “I really do care about you and understand this and am going to be OK with it..” But what she asked next hit home, “I just need to know, as you seem really composed, do you care about this at all? Do you, did you care about me?”

That stone cold demeanor I am all too familiar with, because I have done it. When I have broken up with someone, I have put a lot of thought into it and have convinced myself as to why I have to make the hard step to ending the relationship, why I have to step away from the comfort, or hardship. This isn’t something I just came up with the night before but something I have been going over in my head for weeks at a time. So when it comes to the actual day when I say it, it feels disconnected because I am sitting there with multiple aspects of my mind guiding me:

-The need to make sure they understand we just didn’t have that connection to work and to not blame anyone for us not being compatible.

-The want to make sure that this person that I just spent a significant portion of my life with understands I am there for them at that moment in time.

-And finally the organization of the words I am going to use to do it.

It is like being in a defensive mode, ready for anything at any moment and preparing for it. It is almost as if because I have so many things going on in my head, my normal bubbly, excitable self, becomes for a lack of a better word, monotonous and business like. My face gets emotionless, my eyes blank hardly blinking, my body calm and lifeless. I already disconnected from the relationship maybe minutes or hours before I make the words come to my lips, “I think we should breakup”.

It is to prepare for every situation possible, something I have as a defense mechanism in my own body and mind due to the way I was raised and the childhood I had both at home and socially. I constantly tried to gauge those around me who were closed off or accepting of me, being on complete defense at all times, to prepare for what might be said, and if it was said, how I would diffuse it or recoil and hide.

This is not the healthiest way to live and I suppose one of the reasons my relationships haven’t done so well in the past, but it is also why I am in need of someone very sensitive to the fact that I don’t just want to know what is on their mind, but I need to know what is on their mind for the first few months, years etc, just so that I can fully trust them to not throw in a wrench like my family used to or my “friends” did. (I was not the popular kid, let’s just leave it at that) And even more so I can get out of my head, analyzing every breath, sigh, or micro expression, and just be there with them. So I don’t have to have my mind going on so many different scenarios every millisecond that I get to breath and be with them.

So when I heard my friend tell me about what had happened, I told her the truth, people like me, and often men in general have a different reaction to breakups, especially if they are the one instigating it. Men and myself tend to get through the initial breakup with what seems like ease and an emotionless display, meanwhile women usually let the hurt and struggle of the breakup to the front immediately. But ask anyone like me, ask them, “What happens a month or 2 down the road after the breakup?” We cry. We cry or we feel the loss. What takes women seconds to do, us men take a serious mental break before we truly feel it. And trust me we feel it. We don’t skip that part, we just go on a mini brain vacation prior. But when we get our first sensory memory of you and it brings back the comfort or love we had with each other, we let it out. And then we take a slightly longer time to recover. I feel as though women rebound for the first month whereas men are a little more dangerous. We could feel OK right away and even date again right away, but when we get that sting a month or so later, we can self destruct whatever we just built.

So women, yes we feel, but we are in a “stance” during the breakup. We are protecting either ourselves, you, or validating it in a different way. Healthy or not, there is a lot of truth here.

“Fun” fact most breakups happen around holidays, birthdays, and important moments in life when we would want it least, not because it is being insensitive but because these moments make us reflect on what we can invest emotionally and even monetarily in our significant other, which can often reveal a lot about how we actually feel.

Oh wow throw back Thursday. My first date application I made awhile back. The girl in question said she was very busy and it would take a whole lot for her to have time to go on a date… Do me being me I made her this. I got the date and she is to this day one of my closest friends.

Love is not enough.

…we often prioritize our accomplishments over the simple accomplishment of bringing a smile into someone’s life, being there for someone, or unconditionally loving. It is so important in a world that grows up on disneys ideal love and finding that prince or princess that we put a little more effort into our interactions as we would for that promotion or next client. This leads me into why love is not enough.

Every one of my last relationships has ended because “love” was enough for them. “Love” is the beginning of opening up the rest of your life. It lifts the weight of trying to find the unattainable life goal so you can do other things magical with the love, the person you have found, and your life in general.

So why stay in a relationship defined by hopelessness, I am not a hopeless romantic, I am hopeful. Should you be “waiting” for the perfect moment? Is it like where you love your job but don’t know if it is where you want to be till the end, so you stick it out waiting to see what will happen in a few years time that may push you closer, further, or to a similar path? So should you be waiting or should you be fixing, actively, or is the waiting, part of the fixing. There is no black and white to any of this shit. It is what works for you or what pushes your brain to the edge of insanity allowing you to evolve to the place you need to be.

The X Theory

To put it in metaphor, I’d say that oftentimes paths will cross, as Fate would have it, and that would be Instant Love; however, in order to keep this instant love, you must apply that conscious effort to pursue… because when paths cross, they will naturally meet at one point, the middle of an X {a cross- those physical, chemical, mental changes}, and then start going the opposite way, as is natural with growing and life changing. This is where the effort to pursue Love comes in… where people will take the time, effort, and energy to pave a new road together. Regardless of where those roads of Fate may lead. And the strength of that crossing point will help to determine if it will last or it will grow apart. Because we are on different timelines, but if when we meet the intersection was strong enough, it can bind us together even as time changes who we will be.

“ Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.”

The Two Face Theory

There are two faces to every girl.

The face you see when you come home from work, the face you see when you are covered in daily dirt, even the face you see when you cry. That is face one.

Now there is face two the one where you are so close you can barely see. You are face to face, all blemishes uncovered, and expressions discovered. I do see them here and there, I do see them everywhere. This is when we kiss. This is when we wake up next to each other, directing our morning breath like a dance.  What I 100% see and hope you see the same in me, is a sparkle in your eye.

I want to find that sparkle and have it last forever, I want to find that sparkle, not make it an endeavor, by this I mean I don’t want the games people play, some drama here or there, that is OK, but maybe just today.

With a  simple glance there is a connection I want to feel, when I am so close and smooshed up next to you.

So in this second face, you and I, we will kiss, it will last, last and last, just because kissing helps slow time in our eyes. And in that second face kissing with an eternity going by,  I pull back to see your first face again, still in love with a different view but same person I am laying with, side to side.

Sometimes to be slick the writer will say it lasted for the perfect moment, but I want the moment to be more than a fleeting moment in a romantic novel, I want it to be the rest of my life.

Holidays, oh holidays…

Holidays, oh holidays. I always wish I had someone to bring home to Mom and Dad to share with them. I always feel as though it would just be that much more fun to have to decide where and when we will visit the different families and how we will balance the need to be with each other and the need to see our families. Knowing at the end of the day, we will find that solace in each other, regardless of the craziness we are about to embark on through the long car rides during the day, which in turn is time we would spend with each other. The pre-planning which usually means we are committed to each other. Planning anything is advance is usually a no no for non relationships because it gives off the impression of wanting more than what is there. But I guess I just like to think in advance this season more than the rest of the year because I know that due to my broken up family and distance between us I will have to do it with myself so I am used to it. This makes me automatically start to do it with someone I am interested in.

I also look at it by a climate thing too. The cold weather, a fireplace, some cheese and wine. Just sitting in warm pajamas and holding each other. Not necessarily alone, maybe my sisters are there chatting with us, or perhaps we are just playing with my family dog. Maybe sneaking off to bed early or watching as others go to sleep around us. But the feeling I get when I am home with the heat on and the lights a certain brightness and the tree sparkling. That feeling is one I want to share.

When things get overwhelming like holidays usually do with family, we can disappear to sneak that cigarette(breather) on the porch, in the crisp air, freezing our asses off together, but that unity of thought where we BOTH need to get away and we want to do it together. That always seems nice to me.

But even more recently, I just want someone to walk around the neighborhood with and look at the lights people have put up. Holding hands and enjoying the “magic” they can bring to a cold and barren month. The chance that it may snow, and we can get stuck inside together, making breakfast and coffee together, then bundling up to walk in the middle of the usually bustling street, now silent world blanketed by snow. I may like these moments more than the holiday itself to be completely honest. To meet someone that can be special enough that we want to make new traditions with, seems so damn amazing to me. Similar to what my cousins and I did with Cousin’s Christmas. An event spurred by the creativity and traditions of our own families, lost to time. Reinvented for our needs. And created to bring comfort and joy to one another. I actually think me inviting you to cousin’s Christmas has more meaning than family Christmas now, but I digress.

Holidays automatically bring the idea of love to the forefront whether it be there or not, wanted or not. But I don’t think it is about love, I think it is about human interaction. About the feelings that accompany us when we think of spending time with Family or friends, so obviously those we are interested in pop to the front of the list. This can play out for or against new relationships because of the pressures you may feel to HAVE to do any of the above, when I find through talking it out, it can be a much simpler equation that can always equal out to just meaning it is a holiday and working within its confines in needed and not something to even blink twice about, we all feel the stress.

I have always been one of those Italian boys who will introduce someone I meet to my family the day we meet if they are around. I don’t look at “meeting the family” as a big event but part of who I am and part of me I want to share. Although I must say, living a couple thousand miles away definitely does not help with it NOT being a big to do. :P

Oh and not to mention the FOOD. I want to share the food my family makes with EVERYONE I care about. Because it is probably some of the best food in the world and everyone should have chance to partake in it!

My Dads side is always a little more laid back on holidays, kind of the more classical cheese and wine feel and my Mom’s side is usually the more classical Italian “pranz”(get together) where the entire family comes, sings, yells, screams, gets to decibels that will break your ear drums, but we are all screaming because it has been a long time since we all sat in the same room and were able to share what was on our mind or reminisce about our great grandfathers mothers fathers etc. I think the stories are amazing, the way that the family was back before my time. The way the interactions were. It was, to me, like something out of an old black and white movie. But the one quality I always valued about my Italian family was the love they shared with each other. It was always people being kind, the men being gentlemen, the ladies slaving over the food with the men eating it as they hit their hands. The kids jumping around or playing in the corner preparing a dance recital or song to sing or playing dress up.

Anyway, all of this is part of who I am, this is what I saw growing up, through home movies or experience, and I always think how nice it would be to have someone that was interested enough in me and I in them that we would want to try to be a part of such a long history of stuff impossible to catch up on. Just trying to be there and not panicking from the loud intense moments or panicking and knowing it is OK.

So for me holidays alone do not make me lonely, just hopeful that I will be able to find someone eventually so they can share that with me while every single family member is around.

I want to know their favorite Christmas book so I can have it waiting to read to them before we go to sleep in the unfamiliar pull out bed in the guest room. I want to bring them down to open presents with me on Christmas and have them smell the coffee and taste the pancakes my dad makes and watch me and my sister be completely goofy once she has had her coffee. I want them to see the similarities between me and my dad(he is basically what I will look like in 30 years), and the many morals and creativity I have gotten from my mother. I want them to also see the talents my family has as they sit around the piano and sing, or sit and talk and joke(I want them to see my Uncle make the most ridiculous jokes), or just understand the love we all have for each other when we sit and watch a movie. The things holidays sometimes force you to do with your Family. I mean watching me and my sister curse to rile up my Mom is fun as hell, and watching us both freak out from random triggers unknown to us and needing to go lay down or get away for a minute.

I suppose holidays force you to see if someone wants to see who YOU are. It forces your significant other to be there and participate in your life. Because in the end family is the most important thing to all of us and I think many of us want to see how they interact with our families in the most extreme situations such as holidays force upon you. Not as a test but just as a way to get to know them and for them to get to know you better. Because honestly meeting them on a random Friday works too, holidays just give it a different atmosphere. There is no hiding who you have been in front of your family.

There is something strong that goes along with being part of the Italian Catholic family. Guilt and Family, oh and food. So while I may not be the definition of this, I like to at least share the parts I love the most about it, and have that hand to hold when I myself start to freak out from the pressures the holidays can bring.

Holidays, oh Holidays… Sometimes I guess I just want to cap them off with that New Year’s kiss, but not just a kiss, but something that you remember and look forward to at midnight. Not because it is different than the other kisses but because it is something deemed special by whatever book we have all been following. And that is one chapter I don’t mind adhering too. Even if it means a little planning is involved to get both our lives in the same place at that one tiny moment in time, I want to have that moment and I want to shuffle around some plans to make it happen.

Why? Because life is moments. And why deny ourselves moments that could be spectacular. And why not try them out even if they fail. Nothing to lose in the end really. We will be better off either way. Either way we find answers.

I guess touching on my last post a little, I know one thing, the chase is great, but eventually it is nice to know you are chasing something that you can give yourself to in a way you don’t just give a friend. And in return they will give it back. I myself realize I can only play for so long before I start to forget who I am because I am playing not being. I love to live in that moment but I need to live in it as me because otherwise I will second guess everything, and while that isn’t bad to work with someone else, I find it is healthy to be able to re-assess your points of view with people as long as they are willing to do it as well. So when the other is playing around or just being a separated version of themselves you are not actually re-assessing for reasons beyond a simple seconds worth of thought from the other person. I guess holidays have a tendency to make you think about a relationship like you do with your family and if you are willing to make the extra effort to do a simple act of opening the door for them or just as much, invest your time. A sort of unconditional love so to say. But more-so just the comfort of the things that don’t stress you as well, like your old room you left after college or the familiar star on the tree.

Holidays boldly try to make those beginning times happen quicker than you may feel comfortable with. So in that sense Holidays are a pain in the ass, but in the same sense, what’s the difference if Holidays help it along or not. I definitely see both sides here, and don’t have the answer as to yay or nay to either. It is finding someone who is open to a little bit of exploration whenever life decided to bring them together with you that is usually the crux. One person cannot make another change or be something other than what they want, I just wish more people could embrace feelings and regardless of past STUFF can live with it and let themselves open up to figuring out yay or nay without too much pulling of the others hair in-between. I know I can give a whole lot of myself to someone, but I have the reverse wall of others sometimes, mine becomes much more solid and impenetrable the longer I feel like their wall is stopping them from just enjoying those moments where they break character, the moments where the smiles are real, the feelings are overwhelming and indescribable, but instead of sucking back the tears of a moment like we do to save face, we just enjoy the release it brings and ride the wave of whatever the fuck it could mean, good or bad, past, present, or future thoughts.

And now that I have rambled my head off, I leave you with the same disclaimer as usual:

So those are my thoughts. Obviously I have a million more and I wonder if I express everything properly the first time, but that is OK I think, because there is time to re-address things and to talk about it, instead of it being chiseled into stone on, THIS IS HOW IT IS. Consider this my journal entry to myself with intent of someone reading it.

This feels like a movie! Perhaps I shouldn’t want it to?

I know I have experienced being in a relationship where you can compare it to a movie.  If you  break down the basics of a movie, you would assume perhaps this is not the “perfect” relationship at all. If your relationship reminds you of a movie it is because you remember it like one, only savoring the exact frames the editor in this case, your mind, wanted you to see. You pass the time in between with cuts, removing anything that is the everyday. You create a moving slideshow of a period of time, and with the proper filters on them it gives it that epic film feel.

With the right color correction and depth of field you are going to miss the world around anything that may seem imperfect.  Instead of the feeling of bliss when your relationship turns into a movie, it should be a warning that you are only watching the highlights of the complete picture. I mean that is what a movie is comprised of, the perfect moments, good and bad, dramatized for the passing of time. Emotion is only needed for portrayal of each character that is part of the movie, not the world around it. You can see this in movies like Godzilla, where we either hate or empathize with the monster, yet the movie ignores the fact that millions of people are dying below the big battle in the sky.

A movie is also easy to critique or judge, but in our real lives, ever decision, every day, takes time and examination.  Real life is a balance of your own opinions mixed with feelings, that can be totally dependent on the sleep you had the night before, what you ate, and the feelings of the people around you. A film doesn’t embody this. Sure, life can often fall into a script like approach, revision after revision, but the ability for improv stands in the way of your short films of life turning into a feature film.

A movie is stuck inside it’s own bubble of self, it has it’s own script, that eventually will end, editing techniques to tell that script, and a limited cast and crew to run it.  The world a place where your own perfection cannot exist because the the imperfections are part of what make the perfect in the days you spend living. Even this, as I write is influenced by the world put forth around me, intentional or  with humility.

So tonight I look forward to thinking back upon the old relationships I had where I thought things did feel like a movie, but now  realizing, I am glad most movies don’t have a sequel. If I only have fragments of time and then years skipped in between due to the time constraints of an audience watching the film, the need to circulate new patrons through the theatre to turn a profit, and summarizing exposition so not to confuse the people watching, I would not be giving myself enough life, enough care, enough introspection. My mind will then be unable to mature and reflect, due to the curtain closing, and the credits rolling.  I want to be able to see the unspoken sequel to my life and relationships. The time that happens between the cuts. The time that has yet to occurred due even if there is a happy ending. That ending, is superficial, because love is not the end, love is the beginning.

I refuse to skip these unwritten chapters in my life, because there is no rewind, but there is definitely a fade to black.

This feels like a movie… Perhaps I shouldn’t want it to…

To be in the relationship where you can compare it to a movie, I know I have felt it, experienced it.  But to reflect on the basics of a movie, you would assume perhaps this is not the “perfect” relationship at all. Perhaps if your relationship reminds you of a movie it is because you remember it like a movie, only savoring the exact edits. You pass the in between time with cuts. A slideshow of a period of time, pictures a day, with the proper filters on them to give them the film feel. Somehow even though the normal everyday life may be normal and not out of the ordinary, with the right color correction and depth of field you miss the world around anything that may seem perfect.  Instead of the feeling of bliss when your relationship turns into a movie, moment after moment, it should be a warning that you are only watching the highlights of a complete picture. I mean that is what a movie is comprised of, the perfect moments, good and bad, dramatized for the passing of time, or the emotion needed for portrayal of character.

A movie is easy to critique or judge, but ever decision every day, takes an open mind. One that can look past the personal opinions buried inside yourself. Yet at the same time it becomes a balance of your own opinion mixed with feelings depending on the sleep you had, what you ate, and that of the people around you. Life itself can often fall into a script like approach, revision after revision. The apprehension to improv alone stands in your way.

So perhaps it is a mastery only befitting of a surrounding in which there are no movies or editing techniques to compare to. A world based on the truth around you, not the truth you use to karmic-ly get through the day.  A place where your own perfection cannot exist because the only perfect is the days you spend living. Even this, as I write is influenced by the perceptions put forth around me, prideful or filled with humility.

So tonight I look forward thinking back upon the old relationships and moments in time I had where I thought things felt like a movie and realize, I probably don’t want a movie. If I only have fragments of time with years skipped in between due to the time constraints of an audience, I myself am not giving life itself enough care. My mind will then be unable to mature and reflect as well as see my steps I take ever breath of the day.

I cannot skip chapters in my life, because there is no rewind, but there is definitely a fade to black.

Will I experience that life? Will I be able to close the riveting book of my own love?

I have always dreamed of different lives. I often wonder which ones I will experience in my time. And perhaps if the world is a constant thing, where your energy is re-used later on even after death, will I experience it at a later date or have I already experienced hence my yearn to feel those lives. This is not to say, my life is boring or I am not enjoying it, it is just the idea that other aspects of all sorts of ways of passing time in life intrigue me. From the simplest to the most complex.

My first dream is to live a life of simple needs. A life where money isn’t more than a way to buy groceries and gas. A life where your relationships and the people around you move you from day to day. Where you live a mile from your mother until she leaves you, you by her side. A place where you find love in love itself. Where the person you are with is just with you and you with them. Because there is nothing else but love and living. Where you wake up early because you can, and you don’t feel time other than when you are called to dinner. Perhaps this is on a farm with nothing but your crops, or perhaps it is the life of an artist just making ends meat in New Orleans, never making it to Hollywood, but going to local jazz clubs and coffee shops, just having what you and your friends say to live by. Sitting and talking, quitting job after job, putting on the name tag, until you leave to go home to your small one room flat to lay in the heat with the one you love. Wearing tattered hand me downs, sipping homemade lemonade to fight off the humid heat. Just think of what New Orleans means to you, or Oklahoma. The basic meaning of these words. This is what I mean.

Perhaps an alteration of that is living the life of someone trying so hard to become what you want to, but stopping yourself because you are so used to this life. Where you push soo hard to become something and the person you are with leaves you when they see you are wasting life away on comforts. Yet in the end, you realize, it wasn’t each others dreams you loved, but the situations this caused, and you find each other for the rest of your lives. Selling cereal. (movie reference)

The second life is that where war overrides the daily cultures, social aspects, and meanings of life. Your course is preplanned and you fight toward a common goal. A place where you hold your best friends hand covered in blood, not thinking about the diseases that can be transmitted but about what you are going to tell his/her significant other. Not a place where you need to keep up with the latest technologies or when the next txt message will come in to tell you what to do that night, but you eat pre-heated food and the meaningless pleasure of a bath is like being a king. You smoke cigarettes without the fear of cancer because you can enjoy everything in life as it is handed to you. For all you know tomorrow will be your time. This looming idea of destruction and death makes you live life a way you never knew possible. Even in war though, would I be content just following orders or would I end up pushing to further my place in that hierarchy as well.

The third is a life of glamour. Living each day without a monetary care in the world, but the pressures of the “scene” on your shoulders constantly. Having the ability to be in the bleeding edge of life, because every door opens freely. Battling the fake and reals of life. Unable to leave your house without others wanting to see what you are doing, flashes blinding all moments in your life. But you must sacrifice being with your old friends and family. You must go where you are needed, not by those who brought you into the world, but the new family called your fans. But how do you balance this life and the life you miss. When can you say, I have done enough, I am content, when do you turn down the next script.
The fourth is that of comfort. Finding that thing you are good at, but not being able to push it to the limits or finding that break to be “popular”. Perhapsyou become the self loathing teacher of your passion, the one who never made it. Or perhaps a drone in a cubicle, doing your work at top notch because it all makes sense, and you are always ahead of the curve.

The fifth is the life where you forget yourself. And you live in this life because it brings you the comforts of money, relaxation, stress, and keeping up with the Benjamins next door. You go through the motions of life because your job allows you to.

Or perhaps the last would be just trying ever one of your passions out until you have exhausted all options not really being content or upset. But in a constant motion.

Ultimately, I would like to be able to find someone in my life, who can share these pieces of all lives together. Where you are able to live your dreams, but after you feel content you can settle down in love. You can have a mattress on the floor of an empty house. You can paint the walls together, playfully splashing it over your loved one, turning into a heated passionate moment on that mattress, the one piece of the house that won’t change. Growing together eventually raising a child to grow in your lives with you. I think most importantly is the idea of the photographer living with the model/makeup artist. The lives of those who love each other should feel like a flowing river. Mixing the dirt and sand from the coast, but always ending up in that river. Eventually leading into a circular lake, where the world now begins to fall behind and fills your bed of water without you having to put the efforts of say a first date. Like the idea of my Grandmother using the internet. When it finally got to her, she didn’t need to master it, but it was cool. Living with someone who you look forward to looking at their splashes of paint on the wall, or their work spread all over the bedroom. For me, the artistic approach to life. I want someone who loves the arts equally. All aspects. Better than me in some kinds and me them. This wouldn’t cause friction but pride for their abilities. I have always dreamed of someone who was good at the “Hollywood flat or Soho” feel of life, and it reflected their record player and style. Edgy but with the want and yearn for living life calmer than those who have to go and DO just to feel alive. The appreciation for the quick city as well as the class of the 50’s.

Being able to grow together like this, being able to live your passions and have that other person see you grow and you them, as you both make your lives what you want. Or perhaps you fail or she fails, but either way you have experienced and tried, and have each other to love, and have the painted walls, which your hands bled over as the groundwork for your lives forever.

I know this is not the most articulate piece of writing I have ever written, but I want to get the thoughts out. Just some raw ideas. Perhaps I will revisit this at a later date and pretty it up.

I wonder if one day I will meet that person with smooth pale skin, eyes as blue as 20 steps deeper than man can journey down into the sea. (This is just an example for those red heads out there that think I am creepy, the movie I just saw had someone in it that reminded me of this look which has always had a place in my heart.) I wonder if regardless of what stages in life we are at, if eventually we will meet in the middle. Like the life of Benjamin Button.(as contrived as that movie was, event eh notebook held more water) The man who lived his life from old to young, and met his soul mate when she was in the middle of her life, and for that moment, regardless of the direction both lives are going, that fleeting moment will be perfect, and it will line up. And from that point on, as she grows older and he gets younger, they are destined to live in each other’s lives, no matter what the circumstances. He will always be there for her and she will hold his hand as he forgets to walk. And those fleeting moments they will know they had love.

When that other person in my life passes away or I pass away, I want to know that I have loved, that she was my soulmate and I will never yearn for anything else. My friends will not push me out to meet someone else because they know I only needed that time with her. And now that part of my life, that chapter in my life, is complete. When I see a movie where someone has found true love and they are a young age when one dies, it is hard for me to fathom how they could ever have someone else. If you find perfection, how can you top an already impossible feat. Perfection does not exist, only times in peoples lives lining up.

So you are having a bad day and mine was great, we are on a different time line in life for the moment. My day flew by, yours at a crawl. I hope there will be strength enough to be able to sprint to catch up to each other, or perhaps take a moment to smell the day, and wait for the other. The place where people are in their lives is always scary, because when you live in such a fast paced world where you want to be a part of a big city or fast moving industry, it can be a matter of seconds to lose that chance to see what could have been.

I guess what I am trying to say is there is something intriguing about living like a gypsy, but not unless you have someone with you who you love already, because lets be honest, in real life, gypsies don’t have dental insurance and Hollywood makeup artists. :)

(btw if ur tagged it is because I enjoy your feedback, but don’t feel obligated.)

(also normal disclaimer: I just feel the need to get thoughts written out sometimes, most the time these are not MEANT for direct reading by other people, or with that intention, they are written for me to go back to later when I wonder why. I mean it is very true that we all see our stories and lives differently than someone not in our head to see the images that go with the words.)

Will I experience that life? Will I be able to close the riveting book of my own love?

I have always dreamed of different lives. I often wonder which ones I will experience in my time. And perhaps if the world is a constant thing, where your energy is re-used later on even after death, will I experience it at a later date or have I already experienced hence my yearn to feel those lives. This is not to say, my life is boring or I am not enjoying it, it is just the idea that other aspects of all sorts of ways of passing time in life intrigue me. From the simplest to the most complex.

My first dream is to live a life of simple needs. A life where money isn’t more than a way to buy groceries and gas. A life where your relationships and the people around you move you from day to day. Where you live a mile from your mother until she leaves you, you by her side. A place where you find love in love itself. Where the person you are with is just with you and you with them. Because there is nothing else but love and living. Where you wake up early because you can, and you don’t feel time other than when you are called to dinner. Perhaps this is on a farm with nothing but your crops, or perhaps it is the life of an artist just making ends meat in New Orleans, never making it to Hollywood, but going to local jazz clubs and coffee shops, just having what you and your friends say to live by. Sitting and talking, quitting job after job, putting on the name tag, until you leave to go home to your small one room flat to lay in the heat with the one you love. Wearing tattered hand me downs, sipping homemade lemonade to fight off the humid heat. Just think of what New Orleans means to you, or Oklahoma. The basic meaning of these words. This is what I mean.

Perhaps an alteration of that is living the life of someone trying so hard to become what you want to, but stopping yourself because you are so used to this life. Where you push soo hard to become something and the person you are with leaves you when they see you are wasting life away on comforts. Yet in the end, you realize, it wasn’t each others dreams you loved, but the situations this caused, and you find each other for the rest of your lives. Selling cereal. (movie reference)

The second life is that where war overrides the daily cultures, social aspects, and meanings of life. Your course is preplanned and you fight toward a common goal. A place where you hold your best friends hand covered in blood, not thinking about the diseases that can be transmitted but about what you are going to tell his/her significant other. Not a place where you need to keep up with the latest technologies or when the next txt message will come in to tell you what to do that night, but you eat pre-heated food and the meaningless pleasure of a bath is like being a king. You smoke cigarettes without the fear of cancer because you can enjoy everything in life as it is handed to you. For all you know tomorrow will be your time. This looming idea of destruction and death makes you live life a way you never knew possible. Even in war though, would I be content just following orders or would I end up pushing to further my place in that hierarchy as well.

The third is a life of glamour. Living each day without a monetary care in the world, but the pressures of the “scene” on your shoulders constantly. Having the ability to be in the bleeding edge of life, because every door opens freely. Battling the fake and reals of life. Unable to leave your house without others wanting to see what you are doing, flashes blinding all moments in your life. But you must sacrifice being with your old friends and family. You must go where you are needed, not by those who brought you into the world, but the new family called your fans. But how do you balance this life and the life you miss. When can you say, I have done enough, I am content, when do you turn down the next script.
The fourth is that of comfort. Finding that thing you are good at, but not being able to push it to the limits or finding that break to be “popular”. Perhapsyou become the self loathing teacher of your passion, the one who never made it. Or perhaps a drone in a cubicle, doing your work at top notch because it all makes sense, and you are always ahead of the curve.

The fifth is the life where you forget yourself. And you live in this life because it brings you the comforts of money, relaxation, stress, and keeping up with the Benjamins next door. You go through the motions of life because your job allows you to.

Or perhaps the last would be just trying ever one of your passions out until you have exhausted all options not really being content or upset. But in a constant motion.

Ultimately, I would like to be able to find someone in my life, who can share these pieces of all lives together. Where you are able to live your dreams, but after you feel content you can settle down in love. You can have a mattress on the floor of an empty house. You can paint the walls together, playfully splashing it over your loved one, turning into a heated passionate moment on that mattress, the one piece of the house that won’t change. Growing together eventually raising a child to grow in your lives with you. I think most importantly is the idea of the photographer living with the model/makeup artist. The lives of those who love each other should feel like a flowing river. Mixing the dirt and sand from the coast, but always ending up in that river. Eventually leading into a circular lake, where the world now begins to fall behind and fills your bed of water without you having to put the efforts of say a first date. Like the idea of my Grandmother using the internet. When it finally got to her, she didn’t need to master it, but it was cool. Living with someone who you look forward to looking at their splashes of paint on the wall, or their work spread all over the bedroom. For me, the artistic approach to life. I want someone who loves the arts equally. All aspects. Better than me in some kinds and me them. This wouldn’t cause friction but pride for their abilities. I have always dreamed of someone who was good at the “Hollywood flat or Soho” feel of life, and it reflected their record player and style. Edgy but with the want and yearn for living life calmer than those who have to go and DO just to feel alive. The appreciation for the quick city as well as the class of the 50’s.

Being able to grow together like this, being able to live your passions and have that other person see you grow and you them, as you both make your lives what you want. Or perhaps you fail or she fails, but either way you have experienced and tried, and have each other to love, and have the painted walls, which your hands bled over as the groundwork for your lives forever.

I know this is not the most articulate piece of writing I have ever written, but I want to get the thoughts out. Just some raw ideas. Perhaps I will revisit this at a later date and pretty it up.

I wonder if one day I will meet that person with smooth pale skin, eyes as blue as 20 steps deeper than man can journey down into the sea. (This is just an example for those red heads out there that think I am creepy, the movie I just saw had someone in it that reminded me of this look which has always had a place in my heart.) I wonder if regardless of what stages in life we are at, if eventually we will meet in the middle. Like the life of Benjamin Button.(as contrived as that movie was, event eh notebook held more water) The man who lived his life from old to young, and met his soul mate when she was in the middle of her life, and for that moment, regardless of the direction both lives are going, that fleeting moment will be perfect, and it will line up. And from that point on, as she grows older and he gets younger, they are destined to live in each other’s lives, no matter what the circumstances. He will always be there for her and she will hold his hand as he forgets to walk. And those fleeting moments they will know they had love.

When that other person in my life passes away or I pass away, I want to know that I have loved, that she was my soulmate and I will never yearn for anything else. My friends will not push me out to meet someone else because they know I only needed that time with her. And now that part of my life, that chapter in my life, is complete. When I see a movie where someone has found true love and they are a young age when one dies, it is hard for me to fathom how they could ever have someone else. If you find perfection, how can you top an already impossible feat. Perfection does not exist, only times in peoples lives lining up.

So you are having a bad day and mine was great, we are on a different time line in life for the moment. My day flew by, yours at a crawl. I hope there will be strength enough to be able to sprint to catch up to each other, or perhaps take a moment to smell the day, and wait for the other. The place where people are in their lives is always scary, because when you live in such a fast paced world where you want to be a part of a big city or fast moving industry, it can be a matter of seconds to lose that chance to see what could have been.

I guess what I am trying to say is there is something intriguing about living like a gypsy, but not unless you have someone with you who you love already, because lets be honest, in real life, gypsies don’t have dental insurance and Hollywood makeup artists. :)

(btw if ur tagged it is because I enjoy your feedback, but don’t feel obligated.)

(also normal disclaimer: I just feel the need to get thoughts written out sometimes, most the time these are not MEANT for direct reading by other people, or with that intention, they are written for me to go back to later when I wonder why. I mean it is very true that we all see our stories and lives differently than someone not in our head to see the images that go with the words.)

As time goes on, the apple rots.

Why is it that we find it necessary to carry on multiple relationships rather than taking our time with one. If you are interested in a person, then perhaps you should take the time from your life to enjoy that moment. Why multi task a pleasure filled activity such as human connection. While I understand the American attitude of productivity, I lose it with the idea that life can only give you so many apples at a time. What? Am I crazy? That made no sense. I should be multi tasking more then, taking on 4-10 girls or boys at a time to make sure the clock will continue to tick before I find out I am alone.

That fear is the drive that makes us take those apples and quickly shine them on our shirt, then take a bite.  No time to taste, no time to inspect each side, no time to hear the noise as your teeth sink into the tough outer skin and into the soft juicy center, even crunching through the seeds which could give birth to another. Another life, another turn, another moment, another yearn. Your clock has already stopped you are just going to fast to hear the ticking stop. A simple rhyme to make the point, but this whole rant is still a bit disjoint.

Now what if you were to take that apple and eat every bite, but instead of licking your lips and be satisfied with the hunger you have filled… Take a moment, find the seeds, plant them outside, water them until they can blossom.  Now as you watch it grow you can decide, “I think I am in the mood for an orange now”, or perhaps now that you can watch this small seed grow into the bright lustrous apple, shinning brightly on the outside and sweetly fragile on the inside, there is no need to change your taste. Some think you must taste it all to fulfill a lifetime, but is it realistic to acquire every taste only to find out the first was the best?

So if you mix a strawberry with a banana, you will taste the strawberry not he banana. If you mix a lemon with a lime you will not know which is sour and which is sweet.  So all food aside, why not, instead of rushing to perfection, take a blind, exciting leap. But without your eyes shut, and with sturdy ground ahead, because you know, if the taste is not to your palette, you can always find another treat.  Food may rot, and life grow old, but happiness is forever, don’t let go.

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