These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Month: July 2019

Time is the mitigating factor.

People often set timelines for when they can start being vulnerable in a relationship. The truth is, to find someone who understands you even when you are vulnerable and open, that it doesn’t mean you have uncovered all the multi faceted parts of your person. Time tells this, time is the mitigating factor that allows this, but the time you put in on the journey should be genuine and real. You could tell someone everything on your mind in the moment, your history, your favorite foods, your goals, aspirations, etc… but regardless you will never know the person’s everyday without time spent with the person. Until two people have experiences together and live some life together, the smaller nuances of romance, connection, and exploration cannot be expressed, much to the objection of my instant gratification self. This is why it is important that the time you spend getting to know someone shouldn’t be too guarded, or by the time, time allows you to truly understand a person, you aren’t confronted with a completely different person in-front of you, now needing to start the process over again.

It is an American “ideal” that being guarded with the bad days, the truth, and how you feel are weaknesses. Where as in most other cultures that aren’t killing women for showing their feet, conversation and truth and openness are signs of self awareness, strength, and don’t lead to “love” but to understanding and acknowledgment that life isn’t a plan every time, but more of a choose your own adventure. Sometimes you have to back track and take a different path, but doesn’t mean the adventure you chose first wasn’t enjoyable.

In my experience, I have found the best way to approach a new relationship is by asking yourself everyday, “Are you enjoying the company of this person?” If the answer is yes, continue to the next day, if the answer is no, ask yourself why and if it is something that you cannot work through, question, or understand, it is time to move on, but if it is something that just makes two people different and a new concept you may have to learn to understand, continue to the next day with deeper knowledge and understanding of this person you are trying to merge lives with.

Everyone has their own mine field of experiences, and when you inevitably step on one or they step on yours it is how you deal with each explosion that can define a relationship:

Time doesn’t stop once you have decided you love one another either. Each day is going to be a new step, a new journey, you and I will change everyday, so not hiding that day to day is so important so as we change and grow alone, we still do it together.

Define “Trying Too Hard”

This article is a prime example of the problem with dating in America:

In our lives we are told to work hard for those things we want. Adage and Meme one after another telling us “Success comes to those who fight for what they want, not those who dream” “Dreaming is great, but when you wake up writing that dream down and making it a goal for the day is when we ascend” etc etc.

This applies to our Jobs, our money, our material things. 

My own business model has been refined over and over again so that I can truly achieve success. I have taken my success and failures and grown better and learned from them. I put in a ton of hours, time, and effort to become a better version of myself for my Career path. I have worked hard and it has brought me success.

But when it comes to relationships we are told “Don’t try too hard”.

We hold our failures as scars, not learning experiences, and we project them upon those we meet, causing rifts to form.

What the hell kind of back-assward way of thinking is this? I am like a little kid when I meet someone interesting yelling “Mom Mom mom Mom Mom Mom”, tugging on a shirt, because of the excitement of hearing my mom go, “WHAT!” Not because I am in love with this new person, not because I think this new person is perfect for me, but because I am excited to experience the everyday and learn who they are and see if these first feelings of excitement carry over through our experiences day to day. And why shouldn’t I be excited if I think I met someone who might potentially be a good person to bring into my life romantically? But there is a stigma attached to showing this excitement, even if you are intelligent enough to know that it doesn’t happen all at once.

Step by step. Time is the one crux of all relationships. You cannot skip the time you spend with someone living life together to get to know them. I don’t care how you try, you need to experience life with someone to know if you love someone. That’s why when I hear “I miss you” after a few dates it throws up red flags. No you miss the idea of a relationship, not me. You don’t know me well enough yet. But if we take our time, and experience each individual day, good, bad, or ugly together we will get that experience. Not hiding behind some weird “let me hide my emotions” “let me hide how my day actually went to not sound negative” “let me time out my texts so the other person doesn’t judge my interest”

Just take it day by day, and enjoy one another’s company. And when you get to a point where you are no longer enjoying that company, look at the reason why. If that reason proves to be a dealbreaker, then you end it and move on to explore other options, if it is just an emotional day, you get to grow more with the person next to you.

But this who “Don’t try to hard” mentality is ridiculous. Compounded by the ability to hide behind inflectionless texts and the prospect of the next swipe, we are not even trying at all, let alone “too hard”.

Here is your motivation quote:

“Sometimes the things that are worth it the most in life take the most effort.”


The subculture of “truth” in dating.

In a dating culture coddled by the Block Button, we have inadvertently created a subculture where if you do give someone a reason that you are no longer interested in them versus ghosting or blocking them, it is often misconstrued as, “I must try harder”. No means no people.. FFS. Move on and find someone who appreciates you as a whole. Don’t try to “fix, change, save, or challenge” someone else, find someone who will build you into a stronger, balanced, powerful couple.

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