These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Category: Journal Entries (Page 2 of 6)

Meditation to me…

My meditation doesn’t come in the form of a chant or breath excercise, (actually I believe there should be some Rocky theme music playing when doing Yoga, if I am able to get my body into those hard positions, I want some gratifying “YOU DID IT” music as reward, not birds chirping in my ear and bells making me lose my balance through a resonation in my inner ear… wow OFF TOPIC… anywhoo..)

I find my meditation through climbing a mountain in the crisp fall air, out of breath, totally submitted to my body and the world around me, and in those tiny moments when I can catch my breath, pause and wait for the next step, I get a feeling of clarity. The quiet, the fresh air, the world around me. And in that split second I get the meditation that some will sit for hours in silence to achieve(which is not bad, just this is what works for me). So if you could share those moments with me, that would be pretty great.

A bit of me…

I understand NYC is a city of don’t look up but I believe even though I too do not look up, seeing the people and the environment of social euphoria breaths a certain life into my spirit. I took that for granted when I moved to California. After living out there for 5 years I moved back to NYC for the social/cultural inspiration I grew up with. So YES I will point out the street performer that I think is amazing, and yes I will talk about the people I see that strike my fancy, or the conversation I overhear from the person on the subway next to me, I still get motivated by them as part of this walking canvas NY.

If you sum me up as a 1 page self summary, a 3 hour convo, or all day correspondence, you might as well just not talk to me, because I am not any of the above. I am a person with ideas and thoughts, someone who may or may not spark your brain and gain from it as well. I have anxiety toward things, fears, bad days, shitty days, but I smile and I move forward. If you are moving forward too, I want to know you.

I have not met you, I don’t know how your brain works yet, how you live your life, what your ideals are. All I know are sporadic profile stories and a glimpse into your emotion, inflection, and life. I am just asking you this: would your prefer complete safety as you take this part of your life journey, or do you mind me throwing shit at you that may or may not stick in the end? I don’t want to be the compromise, I want to be the inspiration, smiles, stories, memories, Polaroids of an adventure.

The X Theory

To put it in metaphor, I’d say that oftentimes paths will cross, as Fate would have it, and that would be Instant Love; however, in order to keep this instant love, you must apply that conscious effort to pursue… because when paths cross, they will naturally meet at one point, the middle of an X {a cross- those physical, chemical, mental changes}, and then start going the opposite way, as is natural with growing and life changing. This is where the effort to pursue Love comes in… where people will take the time, effort, and energy to pave a new road together. Regardless of where those roads of Fate may lead. And the strength of that crossing point will help to determine if it will last or it will grow apart. Because we are on different timelines, but if when we meet the intersection was strong enough, it can bind us together even as time changes who we will be.

 

” Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.”

The Two Face Theory

There are two faces to every girl. The face you see when you come home from work, the face you see when you are covered in daily dirt, even the face you see when you cry. That is face one, the one. Now there is face two the one where you are so close. You are face to face, all blemishes to see, yet all I look for and hope you see the same in me, is to see a sparkle in your eye. I want to find that sparkle and have it last forever, I want to find that sparkle, not make it an endeavor, by this I don’t want the games to play, some drama here or there, is fun but maybe just today and tomorrow, and then a day off, sure it can be exciting I won’t deny that feat. The simple touch and connection I want to find, seemingly something you can find. So in this second face you and me, we will kiss and it will last, last and last, just because kissing is amazing to me, and in that second face to kiss with an eternity going by. The longer the better in my eyes. Sometimes to be slick the writer will say it lasted for the perfect moment, but want the moment to be more than just a moment, I want it to be the rest of my life.

Love is not enough.

Every one of my last relationships has ended because “love” was enough for them. “Love” is the beginning of opening up the rest of your life. It lifts the weight of trying to find the unattainable life goal so you can do other things magical with the love, the person you have found, and your life in general.

So why stay in a relationship defined by hopelessness, I am not a hopeless romantic, I am hopeful. Should you be “waiting” for the perfect moment? Is it like where you love your job but don’t know if it is where you want to be till the end, so you stick it out waiting to see what will happen in a few years time that may push you closer, further, or to a similar path? So should you be waiting or should you be fixing, actively, or is the waiting, part of the fixing. There is no black and white to any of this shit. It is what works for you or what pushes your brain to the edge of insanity allowing you to evolve to the place you need to be.

You define love

I think love itself doesn’t know how it works. I believe each individual will find love based on their perception thus making it so indefinable yet with so many definitions.

I think simple and extravagant can mean the same thing when you are laying in the grass with the person you love staring at the stars sneaking a peak at one another.

And sometimes a moment becomes a memory right as it is happening, because it is so significant you want to capture it forever. And without these moments, these experiences, can you ever know how to love?

I have a different opinion on the “knowing yourself” before you can meet someone else. Albeit I respect who I am and don’t really have walls to life, and really am always me 24 / 7(with some help here and there to remember) but I thought a lot about that idea and I came up with, I believe we will find ourselves till the day we die because the days leading up to death define us, as well as the people we meet. So if we didn’t look while we were also finding ourselves it would be too late.

I think there are hallmark ways of going about it and also ways to be inquisitive while still respecting the boundaries as well as pushing the standards.

So you define love, when it can make you so confused. 🙂

Thinking of you…

I love my window because it has the fire escape on it and when I sit there looking out at the rusting metal with bits of black paint peeling from it, it clears my head. Something about it makes me feel good. And through that release from my own thoughts puts me into my thoughts even more.

“I am the white crayon”

Lately even the simple question of “have you been getting any work” or “do you have any job prospects” makes me quiver. Not because I don’t want to answer. It is hard to define what I feel when I get asked that. It doesn’t even have to be in question form, even the simplest of “I hope you are ripping up NYC!” something meant with the best intent and I understand it and appreciate it throws me for a loop. I think one of the things that gets me bothered is that many people think that I left to go back to NYC with a very defined clear objective in mind and that in a few months they would be able to come out here and see or hear of my achievements, when in reality it has been 3 months already and the first 1 and a half were spent in a sort of alter reality where I acted as if there was a death in the family, and I could hardly leave my house unless it was to do something mindless like workout or sit on the bed of a friend watching them go about their daily life as I just took up space.
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The “Ex” game.

Why do we always have this inclination to go back with our ex’s. Is there something hardcoded into our brains to bring on the extra hurt? I mean don’t we get enough of that shit just on a daily basis from simpler things? We have to subject ourselves to our ex’s because our brains can’t retain the reasons and rationality to why we left in the first place. We seem to all suffer from short-term memory when it comes to this subject. I mean yes there is also the idea that it worked at one point so there will be some satisfaction for us, or the possibility that things have changed, but what do we usually break up over; the core of a person, not their daily quirks that are always going to change over time. So in essence we embark on something that is going to hurt one or both people again just to feel that relationships moments. Be it the comfort of “knowing each other” or the acceptance of flaws or perhaps the movie like atmosphere of all the bits pieced together.

I mean it is almost like being the person who will only tell you the truth while drunk. But once the buzz wears off it is ok to go back on everything you said, regardless of it being THE TRUTH. Just in reverse, for this case… you already know the truth when sober but go into a drunken state where you forget all the shit that makes you and that person not work and decide hmm I need to go back to the ex.

A relationship that is “on and off” just seems like something that is destined to fail.

We have a strange tendency to forget the reasons why a relationship failed in the past. I mean immediately after the relationship ends, even if the paint is still wet, tears dropping, we forget EVERYTHING bad that happened and why we wanted to break up in the first place. Our brain represses memories faster than a therapists wet dream! It “protects us”, but we need to let those moments live and breath to learn.

Maybe the moment was so intense for us at the time, the minute it is over, we look back and wonder if we did the right thing. Because all of a sudden the intensity can never be the same and all we can remember are snippets. And usually we remember the best things of those or the places we leave, without the true ability to really comprehend what we didn’t enjoy. So imagine that in an “on and off” relationship, the memories are gonna be all fucked up.

As we age I believe there is only so much pain we are willing to subject ourselves to when it comes to relationships and on and off just doesn’t fly anymore. Not to say it doesn’t happen, but I think you realize it isn’t worth it as you get down the line more and would rather find happiness with yourself alone or with the RIGHT person than to just be content or settle.

Although I also see where this can be the opposite effect, and someone as they age wants to settle rather than be alone, which also has fail written all over it.

I wish there was a study of divorces in America vs overseas. And then compare that to the legit happy couples. Just to see if the cultural difference changes it.

But we all play the ex game. And I just don’t know why we subject ourselves to it. Not to mention the new separation from true communication with social sites, texting, and email, really makes it easier to flirt and mind fuck those who used to be in our lives, be it a txt after a year of not talking saying hi, or a post on their facebook wall, it is our subconscious or even main conscious just playing the ex game.

So what phone numbers do you have in your phone that you keep although you should probably delete them 😛

A Little Reminder…

There is something to be said about humidity. It is an equalizer. I had forgotten what it was like to sweat just by leaving your front door. I avoided summers back home in ny because of it. I enjoyed the summers in california much better. I remember my.first year i took vacation i thought i should take it during the summer. Mirroring my habits from highschool and college. I got home those years back and remember not only the experience when i was home but the feeling of relief when i got back to california. I realized then i should probably stay im the place with the better weather during that.season. it felt weird to appreciate caliornia more than what was home. But now that i have returned i have found myself looking forward to even if in the strangest love hate relationship going out into the humid summer air and feeling remenicsent, comforted, and thoughtful. Thoughtful on what it is about ny that makes us feel.so tied to it. What i have come up with for this particular challenge is the way the simple weather which does suck don’t get me wrong really bonds you with the people around you. You stand om the subway dripping from heat yet you get off with the person next to you. You gather yourself running your hand over your.hairline preserving whatever semblence of preperation you have done for the day or evening adventures. And it doesn’t matter if your hair has begun to curl or your shirt is slightly darkened in the back. You are almost tied to the people around you because.of the hardship you brush off as everyday. But not only that you learn to be yourself. Because.the weather may not allow for your body to tll your story. You will still walk five.blocks. you.will still dance your ass off. You will be you. And you will not be in a situation where you feel like you cannot be you. So this small thing called humidity. Mother natures jest doesn’t slow you in the slightest. Even of you become self.concious the people around you indirectly ease the feeling. Is this the reason that i feel and see the differences between the east and west coasts. No this is just one of the reminders that there is a difference. And at the moment i will take my dance club where all odds are against us physically and still opt to dance with everyone else. A little reminder is all.

My message to

I am seeking guidance.

I get these moments of relief from what I can only describe as overwhelming anxiety. These moments come from the strangest or most obvious reasons. I am on the end of one moment of relief right now from watching a simple movie of blatant romance.  Sometimes I am given these opportunities to see, and as my day showed me, sometimes I have no more control than to pace back and forth, and lay down, get up, walk straight, or stand still. But knowing there IS guidance, that gives me strength. Be it from myself, my subconscious, or those around me. Because I tell you my self conscious self is super strong right now, and makes it obvious every time I fall asleep, bringing my thoughts into a dream state, with symbolism and happy or nightmarish experiences. Sleep that wakes you abruptly not letting you sleep again or forcing you not to wake. Continue reading

Just talking.

I have said it out loud a lot lately about going to a bar in say Orange County and then a bar in New York City. The difference to me is the way that our days go in the different areas. To live in NYC feels to me like it is a privilege, because it is damn expensive. You are either a college student, aspiring to be something, or have a great job allowing you to be there. Either way you have a huge personal drive and ambition, or the city eats you up and you don’t always land on your feet when it spits you out. Doesn’t mean the other types of people don’t exist but what I am getting at is the idea that if you walk around you end up being inspired by those around you. You have engaging conversations, you have less bullshit layers to pull apart, and things seem a little more in your face. I suppose that could be because your day is so intense you go out to be yourself and enjoy, not try to make up a story that doesn’t exist in a mediocre day. Instead of going to wind up you go to wind down. And from those random meetings in the loneliest city on the earth you bring away a wealth of brain candy.

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Even if it was just for a moment.

Even if it was just for a moment, I recently had everything the way I wanted it. And all cylinders of the brain were firing, all the right decisions were going to be made, and the future wasn’t even a concern.

Even if it was just for a moment.

It all started last night when I saw the outline of the TV, my kitties in my lap, and an affectionate head laid in that strange place without a proper name in between my neck and shoulder blade, the place that only a person can snuggle into filled with just that. On the table two glasses of Pinot Grigio contrasting on a dark wood coffee table, with a film of condensation frosting the glass, and on my legs stretched out relaxed two kitties dreaming away. That one outline could have made a painting or a shadow cutout or even the cover of a rental. And for that moment there was no worries of the future or decisions to be made. It was just a place to enjoy and stare at, the words of the movie jumbled by the simple perfection of an imperfect situation. It cleared my mind just long enough that when it ended my dreams followed with such a feeling of clarity. Continue reading

Ramblings – 02/15/2010

Lately I have felt a very deep pit in my stomach when I go to sleep. I feel very alone, and I think about those people I have had interest in or who you would call when you are feeling the need for affection and the problem is, I don’t see anything satisfactory coming from any of them.

That sounds terrible so let me try to explain this better. I suppose, in the last few months I have undergone some serious transformations and continue to embark on them. From my job to my personal hobbies to my emotional state to my physical state. It is actually amazing how polar opposite every aspect of my lifes journeys are right now and the people in it as well. It is like having multiple personalities but I don’t change just the people around me depending on what time of day.

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Holidays, oh holidays…

Holidays, oh holidays. I always wish I had someone to bring home to Mom and Dad to share with them. I always feel as though it would just be that much more fun to have to decide where and when we will visit the different families and how we will balance the need to be with each other and the need to see our families. Knowing at the end of the day, we will find that solace in each other, regardless of the craziness we are about to embark on through the long car rides during the day, which in turn is time we would spend with each other. The pre-planning which usually means we are committed to each other. Planning anything is advance is usually a no no for non relationships because it gives off the impression of wanting more than what is there. But I guess I just like to think in advance this season more than the rest of the year because I know that due to my broken up family and distance between us I will have to do it with myself so I am used to it. This makes me automatically start to do it with someone I am interested in.

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This feeling of the chase…

You can define love in many ways, from ideals to things you find exciting, to things that bring you comfort, or through endless notes on facebook, but there will always be something missing, 

I believe I have a sense of what that is. It may be the string which ties all your thoughts and ideas together, slowly weaving through them, attaching them to one another. Not a mythical string, but a actual experience based string, actually traveling through your life and that of another, together, not through monologues or explanations, but through lunch, or a phone call, or the simple pleasures that come from running your nails along their arm as they rest their head onto your chest. For instance take what I have written about the idea of wanting those thoughtless high school nights back, to me that may actually be the material the string is made of and as you begin to knot that feeling of being 14 again around the ideas you have thought of or pictured in your mind. You begin to feel what it is like to get all the pieces of a very scattered puzzle to come together.

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A mixture of my brain and yours.

You woke the morning up
Running off the darkest night
The longest fight I’ve seen
Here goes a chance I know
Cashing in on all my chips

These days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of your ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And your light, found my bottle in the night
Gave me second life, kept me in this fight

And I won’t back down
I won’t turn around and around
And I won’t back down
Doesn’t matter what comes crashing down
I’m still gonna stand on solid ground

You found me once and for all
I laid it down in the sinking ground
The hopeless undertow
Singing out the gentle sound
Rattling through my smoking screens
My broken dreams last night

These days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of your ways, a little bit stronger than the past.

Hallelujah ripped through my veins
I heard the hammer drop
My blood in the rain

Hallelujah came like a train
When all is lost
All is left to gain

Time well wasted.

I dunno if I am supposed to pretend I don’t feel like shit right now or not.

If I am supposed to not read into everything I see and hear.

If I should be the only one who can’t picture the end quite yet.

If I should be the only one who is not so disgusted by a face I remove it from site or a memory I push it from mind.

If I should post this on facebook, although irony would have it so anyway.

I dunno if I should feel like the first day I felt the word growing and trying to push its way out of my mouth, that word we dance around in our hearts, but instead a twisted version tearing me apart.

As if the butterfly’s grew wings of steel and are tearing at my insides to reveal, nothing, nothing more than a few weeks.

A few weeks that meant more than a memory long forgotten 2 and a half years ago.

A memory of sheep and strawberries and spongebob.

I don’t know if you are going to run.

I don’t know if it is because of what you heard or because to feel what i feel as well is scarier to be with than to have none.

I don’t know why I can’t just stfu, but the stupid part is, I don’t know if I am being stupid for understanding.

I don’t know if I am being stupid for having hope.

I don’t know if I am being a fool for just sitting and not standing.

I just don’t know if as the day goes on the things in your mind become worse or the same as before.

I don’t know if you still want me.

I don’t know if when you hear something in a movie that is stupid and cheesy if you think of me and not push it from mind.

I don’t know if this is doing damage.

I don’t know if it’s going to be the same.

I just don’t know.

But I am a fool, as I have stated before, a fool from a Shakespearean play. So I will, because my heart tells me too, just let time, have its way. Watching the world, seeing some truth, and making a gest here and there.

“It’s not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it.” -Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Time well wasted for now.

The “Swallow, Kiss” and “Hi”

WARNING YOU MAY BECOME EXTREMELY SELF AWARE OF THIS IF YOU READ, AND IT MAY DRIVE YOU NUTS FOR A LITTLE. KINDA LIKE IF I SAY, RED CAR, YOU WILL SEE RED CARS. BUT THEN AGAIN YOU MAY NOT 😛

The first is the Swallow, Kiss is when we WANT to kiss someone. For the strangest reason I think we all have some sort of reflex that we HAVE to swallow before we want to go in for a kiss. This usually happens more on the first dates where it is still not extremely natural and comfortable to just kiss your person. Ya know, same period of time when you usually hold in your farts. Everyone poops but not everyone farts apparently! I love meeting someone who will just talk about body functions on the first date, with my sensitive stomach, god does it take a … load off.. ok enough of that… I digress, but seriously if it is an uncomfortable topic for more than a day with someone, that is a red flag… anywhoooo. I think maybe the Swallow, then Kiss, has to do with checking your own breath or perhaps not wanting to be caught with dry mouth. For that moment where we want to have the best possible first or second kiss and not wanting to have to cut it short so not to drool on the girl, is part of my theory for why we do it. But since we all seem to do this weird ritual pre kiss, it is a great sign you are about to or are welcome to kiss your partner.

I used to notice when a girl wanted to kiss me when I would hear her swallow when we were close. I then started to get self conscious about myself doing it. As if she would hear me and know what I was thinking or if I was actually JUST swallowing she would think I was thinking something I wasn’t AHHH! The rabbit hole is deep here!! I still notice it here and there but it isn’t really on the forefront of my mind anymore and I have actually stopped doing it as much. But when I was younger it was almost all the time! 🙂 So yeah either you are sitting there going, hahahahhaha I totally do that, or you think I’m nuts, either way I’m good with the outcome!

Second, is the thing I think EVERYONE has done once in their life right after kissing someone or being really close to someone’s face just kind of looking at one another.

What could this magical thing be? Something not magical at all, and I still don’t understand why we don’t crack up when we do it to one another. First we stare deeply into each others eyes usually one of us laying on the other. And sometimes after a kissing spree or just in a romantic moment, we say, in a whispery voice, “hi”…

“hi.”

Sigh… lol is it because all our blood has rushed to our private parts that we can no longer understand how the structure of a conversation works anymore, forgetting we had spent the entire day/night with the person up until that point making it so we don’t have to start introductions again? I mean this one borders on the cute line/cheesy line, head trauma/bad timing line. But we all do it.
Shit I did it last night. And we both giggled when I said it and she said it back, and kissed again. I guess it is a super turn on! haha.

Random additional thought: The WORST is when you have a drippy nose and the person you are with wants to kiss for a longer period of time than you planned out for and you have to fight not snotting all over them and suffocating since they took your only form of breathing away from you forcing air into your nose pushing out your snots! ahhaa.

ANYWAY, for those like my mother who think I am giving out relationship advice haha, I am just recounting things that I think are fun to write out loud about versus just thinking it and since I am actively dating, it sparks these thoughts as they happen. These are more of personal thoughts and if they apply to you cool if not okaley dokaley haha. I just wanted to share! 🙂 Sooo pfft!

The Tickle Kiss.

I am probably going to be tossed out of man society by giving up this “well kept secret”. But let me explain the move that for SOME REASON all guys think is the best icebreaker for a first kiss IN THE WORLD. And by ALL guys I include myself.

I call it the Tickle Kiss.

This is the move where you are awkwardly at a standstill with talking or the date has gone well really well and you are both kinda jonzin for a kiss, but you cannot get up enough courage just to be rico suave and lean in. You say, “Are you ticklish?”(in a very sinister and and before they get a chance to tell you, you begin to prod and poke looking for it. If you are lucky you find it. First you just do it once as a joke and you both smile. The girl is almost guaranteed to look at you back and say, “Don’t do that again” in a playful tone. This is when the guy will immediately go for the move. He will begin to tickle her until she is in uncontrollable spasm. This usually ends up with the guy overpowering the girl and them ending up in very close proximity or with him on top of her on the floor, on a couch, whatever the tickle gods have deemed necessary for him to continue tickling her as she tries to get away. So for the time being lets say it ends up with him over her on a couch and her leaned up against the armrest of one of the far sides of the couch when he stops tickling her. Now their eye meet, and they are close to each other, and BAM KISS!

This is like the fallback, goto, default, first kiss move to do for any first date where you just NEED TO but don’t know how.

There are a few exceptions though which makes for a dry evening and the guy usually taking a moral hit, but often guys will ask you the following questions and make some of these statements prior to the first date. Mind you these questions/statements seem innocent enough but they have a deeper meaning than you expected! Are you ticklish? Where are you ticklish? I’ll find out where you are ticklish! I’m gonna jump you and tickle you to death! (aka I am going to jump on top of you tickle you until we are so close, if we don’t kiss it just isn’t meant to be)

And if you are NOT ticklish oh man you have just made the guy go into panic mode! Not only can he not take over an argument or conversation by tickling you, which usually ends up with a kiss to make it better, but he cannot make his first move with the Tickle Kiss.(way to fuck that up ladies!)

What still confuses me, is the GIRLS ALWAYS ACT AS IF THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED. As if they are not onto our little device for kiss timez! We kiss them after the tickle kiss and when we pull away the girl AND the guy say the same thing, “Oh I’m sorry” with a wicked grin on their faces, acting as if they didn’t expect it. And then usually if all is kosher they kiss again. Now I am not saying these are not amazing moments of goodness but it is still fun to think about how it all plays out. I guess sometimes we just NEED to really have those moments of cheese to make the days go by. So bring on some more cheese I say!

(FACEBOOK COMMENTS)

Gareth Cales

Gareth Cales

Ok, yeah. It’s true.
August 28, 2009 at 4:32pm ·
Theik Smith

Theik Smith

…Wisdom.
August 28, 2009 at 4:37pm ·
Alexander Brazie

Alexander Brazie

It’s just an excuse to get close. At which point, things take care of themselves.
August 28, 2009 at 4:41pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

that is SOOO not what you just typed to me in chat! lol
August 28, 2009 at 4:41pm ·
Jun Falkenstein

Jun Falkenstein

That kinda works only AFTER a few first real nice kisses. I would want a first kiss with a guy to be more sweet/romantic rather than me throwing up/punching the guy because I’m being tickled. Which is NOT romantic.
August 28, 2009 at 5:17pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Ur such a downer Jun.
August 28, 2009 at 5:17pm ·
Jun Falkenstein

Jun Falkenstein

NO I AM A REALIST
August 28, 2009 at 5:17pm ·
Jun Falkenstein

Jun Falkenstein

OK not, just more of a softie and romantic.
August 28, 2009 at 5:18pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Realist means ur gonna get punched and kissed after being tickled! 🙂
August 28, 2009 at 5:18pm ·
Jenna McKinney

Jenna McKinney

lmao wooooow
August 28, 2009 at 6:27pm ·
Rosemary Pope-Wallin

Rosemary Pope-Wallin

what? All of a sudden you are Emily Post Relationship Advice man??? The tickle ploy is a clear see-thru attempt! Primitive at best! LOL!
August 28, 2009 at 6:34pm ·
Tristan G Pope

August 28, 2009 at 7:10pm ·
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

Shit. Forgot to tell you that I signed for a package for you today– it was from the “Man Society.” Unless it’s some underworld gay thing, methinks your man-license was revoked. You can put the rejection letter next to your NRA card…
August 28, 2009 at 8:03pm ·

Gina Pope Moore

Gina Pope Moore

The tickle gods? Lovin’ it! Been a loooong time since I’ve been in a tickle kiss situation. Hilarious to read about it now, as you describe it, which is of course right on the money. The things you observe and think to write about are indeed entertaining.

Love is scary.

So it is a strange thing to feel this way about another person.

There is so much of the equation you will never know because in the end you are both two different people with different thoughts and minds.

But when it feels right there is something to it that makes you think you can read their mind and them you.

But I think the scariest thing is something that happened recently, watching her put away my laundry, feeling sick, and completely out of it, yet I sat in the bed and watched her. And with everything playing against the situation and an increasingly upset stomach on my end as well, I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to ever have to.

And I think that is where it becomes scary to feel this strongly for someone. When you realize, wow, if they leave, die, or just turn into jerk faces, it is going to hurt.

But I have always gone into relationships with my heart of my sleeve and figured hey, if they punch it, oh well, I will bleed a bit and get back out there. So I will not do it any differently here, but it just feels soo much more intense.

Plus you wonder, does it just happen like this? Have I found that person? It is something we all want but when faced with the reality of it, it is freakin scary.

Instead of thinking a year into the future with random thoughts of “If it works” my brain has already played out 30 years from now. At least I haven’t considered dying next to her yet, although I have considered where I would retire and how that would be. Lol. Dammit so probably like 50 years in the future! BY THE WAY YOU ALL DO IT so don’t deny it lol. It isn’t me sitting in my room contemplating it for hours it is fleeting quick thoughts that flash by as quickly as you blink.

We are still in the moments where we spend a better half of a day in bed just staring at each other and making witty banter. Then we realize our day is gone and we rush to do normal everyday things. But somehow, and I am yet to figure this one out yet, we fit in a WHOLE lot of substance to our conversations and days even if it feels rushed at the end after we sat in bed all day.

So what am I saying exactly? Nothing specific, just recounting a moment of thought, probably not as well as I could being as I had it last night and wrote myself a note to remember cause I wanted to sleep. But oh well, I wanted to write about it anyway.

I really am so excited to get her to NYC with me. I want to share a part of me that is extremely revealing of who I am. I want it to be months from now when my brain and my emotions can agree upon a decision to love. NYC isn’t that moment but it shows a passage of time when we finally go, so it makes an example of what it is, not how it will happen. I also want to experience the romance of NYC with someone I love as well. I always found it to be the most romantic cities in the world. (well until I went to Paris and saw their mood lighting on the streets and bridges at night)

I feel a little bit like my big sister right now, because she always seemed to jump into relationships heart first, and I feel like I should be confiding in her for advice on when it is OK to let it just BE that way, but at the same time, me and my sister differ very much in relationships and how we approach them 🙂

As of right now I am excited for moments like this weekend when we plan on getting out of bed, going and doing something fun together. Just planning a day where we are away from our lives but in each other’s is nice.

I finally got to see her in the chair for a fleeting moment last night.

I realized that I wish I had more lighting like my room around the house; it is very much a thing that my sister used to do. Her houses were always warm and inviting. I try to emulate that the best I can, which usually means I wait until she gets here to help me decorate! Haha.

I woke up to her toothbrush next to mine. It was warming.

Anyway, that is all for now.

Lost in txtlation – Part II

Why is txting so popular?

How many times when you get a text do you think to yourself, MAN I have to TYPE THIS OUT!?!? Or you get a frustration with trying to convey a one word answer by hitting numerous keys.

Well it seems if you feel this way you may be the odd man out.

Texting, AIM, Email, Facebook messages, Myspace, etc., these have all become a common place to talk to someone. It is no longer calling someone up on the phone to chat but through a mediator such as MySpace.

So what makes these forms of interaction so popular? I have a couple of theories.

For people trying to pick up one another, such as one would do at a bar, these forms of interaction make for a very safe environment.

Think of it if you may, as a book. You pick up a book and can interpret the writers words with whatever your imagination can dream up. There is a sense of magic here. You could even say in the case of meeting someone new, it has that sense of romanticism(movie romance) as you read into each word the other types and try to make it fit what you want, feel, ate for lunch.

But these books don’t end when you end the conversation for the night. These books keep living and breathing, having their own lives, with interaction, dreams, work, and so on. The next time you pick up the book the cover may have changed and the title altered, the pages may even be more worn than when you last picked it up. Thus is human nature for our day to day lives to take effect on our overall story, but to the person not physically in our lives the words still look the same as they did the night before and the everyday use not noticeable through the hard cover, perhaps we will call it the computer screen. So before you know it they are reading a book about vampires when they swore if they ever had anything to do with Sparkly Vampire books they would kill themselves.

Txts, aim, and email are like living a relationship as if it were a book, able to form your own opinions on who is on the other side. And who doesn’t dream big or disappoint huge. So perhaps we are making the other person out to be the villain or the antagonist. So let’s say finally we do meet face to face, will our children’s fairy tale like aspirations be too overwhelming for reality of the truth? We are all dreamers and words on a page leave a lot for us to dream for, good and bad. Is it similar to beauty as we see it through the eyes of Photoshop? Does it make us get further and further away from true love as we read deeper and deeper into the ease of manipulating our own minds by applying our own inflections and scenarios to what people type?

Have you ever been on the edge about buying something for yourself, but you go to the website and fill out all the info anyway, even as you debate it. As you finish up you are still on the fence, but you stare at the enter button. You drag your mouse over it, and without a second thought you CLICK, because you cannot take it back. And at that point all that is left is just to convince yourself that it was a good choice. The same can apply to conversations, especially in a place like AIM. During a conversation where there is no instant repercussions it is easier to say “I love you” or “You bitch” or anything between the lines, because all you have to do is hit enter. You don’t have to worry about seeing their face, or them seeing yours.

Which leads me to the idea of “second chances”.

These forms of interaction give you a chance to say or hear it first, take a moment, analyze the situation and form the right answer, not YOUR answer. You essentially are able to look through the deck and “Play the right card”. Oh and if you guessed wrong and the house had an ace you can twist your words, “Oh I totally meant that in a sarcastic tone” “Oh I’m sorry I meant that as a joke I have a dry sense of humor”. It is easier to let go of what someone says as a misinterpretation or wait till they type something you like to hold onto versus the things that would send up red flags if you heard it in their voice. With text and conversation held in text you can literally count up the things you like and do not like. You can erase the moments that didn’t fancy your palette. Problem is, because you don’t know how jazzed they were on the other side, you once again are forming opinions about how they feel about things through how you feel. Weighing their amount of interest in something by your own.

So who is it that you are talking to on the other side? Is it perhaps just a version of yourself? Does the anonymity and lack of inflection allow for your to read their words as that dream person or perhaps in your own voice?

Is this a great way for people who may not like face to face conversation to interact?
Or could it be, we are working against our own aspirations through the rudimentary idea that we sit in class at age 12 and analyze other’s work, such as poetry and literature, and through these actions we form opinions. But when the other person is alive and breathing on the other end to explain where as a dead poet would scream from the grave to be able to explain the truth.

I suppose time will show more on this one. But if we continue to move further and further from interaction and more into twitter spheres where you must be followed to be popular but you need to follow first to be followed making your ability to read your followed less and less, you might as well just not talk at all.

Perhaps the generations will just skip me, and I will be lost in the archaic idea of feeling by being close to the other person. Perhaps I will be a character from “Demolition man” and be shunned for trying to talk vs sending a txt or in their case touching during sex, vs virtually fantasizing about it. Funny part is, they predicted Arnold would be governor in that movie, so who is to say they are that off on the idea of interactions.

It scares me because people do tend, myself included, to choose the path which is least intrusive on our lives, quirks, fears, but do more people than just me feel that burning desire to meet in person and frustration caused by countless txts leading to no next step. I like to move forward, and these types of interactions don’t have a very planned path, because we can leave them with whatever excuse fits us for the day, “tired” “work early” gonna grab some food” etc etc. But what truth is in it all?

(FACEBOOK COMMENTS)

Gennarose Pope

Gennarose Pope

Whomever wrote “Demolition Man” is most definitely a modern day Nostradamus and should take up the office of national wizard immediately.

Seems texting adds to and aids with cultural social anxiety. It’s ye ole’ vicious cycle effect. One commences with texting as a comforting alternative to one on one interaction and therefore breaks through … See Moretheir social anxiety and connects with the world, while another loses the desire to connect one on one with the world by texting. I think they had similar fears about letter writing. And the telephone. And email. And soon we’ll have virtual party rooms with smell and touchivision and won’t have to leave our beds at all.

July 7, 2009 at 7:05am ·

Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Interesting about the same fears with letters. I know it is all the same ole’ Older person freaked out by the “future” technology yadda yadda. But I think the difference between letters and internet is accessibility. Much more of a pain in the ass to write a letter than an email and usually a letter is more intimate now. Doesn’t mean I’m not full of shit, just means I think with cultural anxiety we need to fight that in our selves and figure out a happy medium of both.

The notebook, OVER THE TOP, or obtainable?

It isn’t that you cannot find love like that in a movie as over the top as the Notebook, it is just that is won’t play out like a movie, quickly and only those moments. So instead of being afraid of romance or using words like ‘cheesy’ when it happens, why not enjoy the moments as much as you can, because you never know when the next one will be. Not to mention the more you make someone feel stupid for thinking in a romantic way, the more numb they become to wanting or even thinking of doing it.

Don’t believe me? Ask your girlfriend the last time a guy did something super memorable or romantic for her. Maybe 1 out of 25 gets a romantic gesture. Girls seem to get how to do it a bit more but seem to do it less sporadically, more for special occasions like a birthday.

GUYS, all you have to do is listen to her when she talks. The smallest word out of her mouth incorporated into a moment can be the most romantic day of your life.

GIRLS, stop making fun of guys if they are romantic, because you are full of shit if you don’t like it a little bit. True there is such thing as too much, but until it is TOO MUCH, perhaps you should just enjoy it?

I suppose we have to fit roles. And if a girl sees you are romantic they automatically think you are THAT role. Wish people would look at each other like Trees. If you cut to the core, you will see the rings of life and understand there is much more than just the ONE ring you can see at that moment.

Anywhooo…

(FACEBOOK COMMENTS)

Siri Selvnes

Siri Selvnes

The Notebook is one of my all time favorite movies.

“I am no one special. Just a common man with common thoughts. I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but in one respect I’ve succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul and for me that has always been enough. “

July 5, 2009 at 2:11pm ·
Gina Pope Moore

Gina Pope Moore

Hmmm, interesting tree analogy. And back when I was your age, I LOVED it when a guy (the right guy) would take the time and energy to do romantic things. Now that you’ve brought it up, I may just have to reinvent those sorts of gestures because they tend to fade away when two people have been together for a long time. Have not seen this movie in a long time so will watch it again. I do remember shedding a few tears though!
July 6, 2009 at 2:06am ·

Kirsten Danielle Blair

Kirsten Danielle Blair

It’s true. I can count the incidences on one hand, where i have received a romantic gesture designed with me in mind. And you really do grow numb to it after time, which is sad because the deterioration of said acts and displays of love really does eventually cause them to become foreign and awkward. Just as easily as we have been conditioned to “… See Moremake fun of”, or reject romance as part of our current progression of culture, with equal ease we should be able to facilitate its reintroduction. We just need to be mindful of its absence in the first place, by having more romantics, such as yourself, roaming the streets 🙂
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