Lately I have felt a very deep pit in my stomach when I go to sleep. I feel very alone, and I think about those people I have had interest in or who you would call when you are feeling the need for affection and the problem is, I don’t see anything satisfactory coming from any of them.
That sounds terrible so let me try to explain this better. I suppose, in the last few months I have undergone some serious transformations and continue to embark on them. From my job to my personal hobbies to my emotional state to my physical state. It is actually amazing how polar opposite every aspect of my lifes journeys are right now and the people in it as well. It is like having multiple personalities but I don’t change just the people around me depending on what time of day.
I think the most noticable to the people around me is the physical changes I have gone through. What may not be so apparent to those not directly around me is the fact that every day is a struggle in my mind from the moment I wake up and look in the mirror to whenI get home and think of the food I ate. I can’t explain what it is exactly that I have, I wouldn’t call it anorexia or any specific eating disorder, because that would require me to have the signs such as not eating etc, when actually my eating disorder is just a mental block in which I cannot for the life of me see what I look like in a mirror. I have to take pictures often to compare them to see what it going on. So take that insecurity and these new transformations in my life and you get an interesting cocktail. (that is really as much as I feel like getting into this in writing or at least right now, if ya have questions feel free to ask I am open about it. We all have our self consciousness, I think it is important to understand it is there and deal with it, instead of putting some fucking stupid stigma on it, I mean give me a break, who isn’t self conscious about how they look, some of s just have OCD tendencies and have to be a little careful. This was a huge task with the stopping of smoking and only after a week or so ago have i finally seen that my new workout routine is working and the not smoking is not effecting my weight in a way that I cannot counter the gain from not smoking. So HA! I feel better, I eat better, and I don’t have to smoke. Although that is causing issues in itself, although the general mental state of that is I am very happy to not be smoking right now.)
Losing the weight has made me get off my ass finally and really start to explore california. The problem is I am such a romantic at heart, and all I really want is someone else in my life, that I love, to give me the stregnth to explore California beyond what my new weight gain has opened up for me. I want to go on adventures, go outside, etc. I want to find places in this warm climate to camp out and be together. Have a freakin picnic, go in the hot tub, hit the beach, drive the coast. Whatever.
I had decided back when I started to lose weight that I would explore the party/club/nightlife part of California, aka the BRO scene or any “scene” for that matter. I just wanted to see what it felt like to be the guy with the abs in the Ed Hardy shirt that seemed like he got the bro ho girls to fawn over him. An experiment of sorts, and I only wanted to do it once, I have had my share of the party life and I am pretty sure I got over it ahwile, not saying I don’t like to go out, but I like to go out ith purpose of fun, not heading the meat market so to say. It started as a joke, that I would dress like a bro for halloween, but then I decided to actually try it out(minus the dress in Affliction, gotta keep my new yorkness lol). What I didn’t realize is regardless of appearance my brain is hardwired to not be ANYTHING attractive to these girls the MINUTE I open my mouth. It isn’t that I can’t keep them entertained or get them to talk, it is I do not have the ability to be the guy who gets the girl by mystical powers of “game”. I am me the minute the first words come out of my mouth until the last breath is taken. So I may be able to get them to talk, but when they are spitting out lies and want me to in return, my brain shuts off, and I get annoyed. I mean I would start the conversation with these girls and they would say things like “no way” or “you have done a lot” and give me strange looks… what I realized is I was actually talking to them about LIFE and they were used to the normal pickup lins or bullshit to start the conversation not the jump right in and TALK… So my first experiment was eye opening in so many ways, although it did make me more cynical about the area of California I live in and the chances of ever being able to meet someone that has anything in common.
See I know I say this a lot, but (and I have refined my generalization) the part of California I live in is not like NYC life, and if anything going to these clubs, bars, etc, playing the game, being approached on several fronts with the opening line being “are you gay” or having another guy come right up to the person you are talking to and the girl going with them, because they are trying to get the upper hand, trying to make you feel akward so they know if you can hang.. really? I grew up a theatre major asking me if I am gay is really not gonna phase me, although I suppose it would phase the meat head… but then they go home with that meat head, so got me on that one lol. Really opened my eyes to what the difference truly is.
It is my opinion that people who live in NYC are different because it is a privlage to live in NY. FIRST it is fucking expensive to live there so either you have a good job, you are aspiring to be something, or you are a student. All of these usually make for a makeup of a person who is looking to take advantage of the world around them, not the relaxed huntington beach bro approach to shit. I guess we tend to want to sit and drink wine watching the people walk by and relaxing after a long day. I mean the BARS are even different, shit I have had riviting conversations back home, but here it was “My birthday”, “From out of town”, or my favorite “I’m married” even though they look like they were born in the 90’s and their ring is made of candy, and not to mention WTF are you at the bar for then… sigh..
Anyway, lets just say I keep an open mind anyway and enjoy just seeing the differences there are, I have been witness to things I only heard about, I lived life as if I was in college again for a bit, my body finally chemically changed allowing me to kill some brain cells and chill out in moderation, which is a good step and I enjoy trying to understand how people embark on adventures like this on a regular weekend basis without giving up hope with humanity. I mean I love to talk to people, I love to be sociable, but this is not sociable, this is some sort of challenge reality TV show jersey shore shit. And btw, that was the #1 topic of the night… the show about people who are mentally retarded. Come on people I enjoy the show too, but seriously, MENTALLY RETARDED.
So now that I have tangented, lets summarize up to this point:
I am in really good shape now, so I feel like if anytime was good this would be it to find someone else to spend time with on that level because I feel like I am giving my all, physically and mentally. (although shit I blend in more now that I am not fat, there are not a lot of fat people out here lol)
(family don’t read this line it will gross you out lol) Not to mention my body feels soo different I really want to feel what a girls touch feels like on it. Or when I am sore to be able to hold against someone else. (ok safe for family again)
The girls I have around me aren’t really what I am looking for relationship wise, and I would have to really sacrafice who I am to not admit that. Doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy their company and love them as friends. It is weird because I am not really the guy who has ever had “friends” of the opposite sex. Don’t get me wrong I have had friends but it is usually covered with a secret romantic or sexual attraction. Flirting is just easier. I never really knew how to just jump into friendship instead of courting. I guess that is changing a bit. On the guy and girl front, I am kinda learning what it means to make friends again. (all linked to so much in my life, the job, my tons of extra activites, my weight loss leading to confidence to go out, etc.) It also is because a lot of them are not at the same place I am when it comes to the get to know you process. It is more of an after thought, but then I chase harder to show them who I am, which probably pushed them away more, which already means it is a bad combo, arggg! Lol
But I look around and realize most the situations I put myself in, or have access to or are considered standards for meeting people, the pool is not really something I see as being a place I can meet someone to meet my mother if ya get what I mean.
I also find that this damn computer acts as a very good shield from the world and a good way to get lost in movies and my own thoughts, however, it is the lonliest place ever.
I suppose my last relationship gave me a taste of love and something really good for the first time in forever, problem is, it blew up in such a different direction than I could have ever imagined I am still a bit damaged from it. Not that I would have it any other way, or change how anything happened, it just sucks to know I felt that love for someone and it may not have been real, yet still wishing it could be.
There was something comforting about it, the respect was there, but then again it was also a lot of sacrfice on my end where as not much in return, until it was about to end. But there was always love and extra effort and caring. That was never missing.
Anyway, I dunno what I am getting at, I am forcing myself to write when I get thoughts lately, because I want to get it down on paper, and many of them may be shorter than what I am thinking and cut off before they really have a chance to breath if you are reading. If anything were to be taken from this it is that, I feel very lonely right now and wish that I had someone else to explore the world with, their lives, my life, etc. However, my life is soo much of a mess(just inconclusive) right now, I wonder if I would even be able to deal with someone elses life in mine. It is a very strange road we travel every day, oh well, heads up, and keep on trucking! I will continue to figure out me, and perhaps the saying will be true, that figuring your own shit out first and not looking to hard brings the right person to you. 🙂 Although if they are also doing that, perhaps we already met, and walked the opposite direction.. DOH! lol (and tangent again, I often wonder how we are expected to figure ourselves out before we can meet someone else when honestly, who I am now and who I am 5 minutes from now is going to change, I think perhaps it is better to find someone who is willing to grow WITH you.)
I leave you with the same disclaimer as usual:
Those are my thoughts. Obviously I have a million more and I wonder if I express everything properly the first time, but that is OK I think, because there is time to re-address things and to talk about it, instead of it being chiseled into stone on, THIS IS HOW IT IS. Consider this my journal entry to myself with intent of someone reading it.