It all leads up to this; the day where a ball drops down to chime in the New Year and the metaphorical weight of the previous year is lifted or solidified.

The celebration of the New Year is either something I look forward greatly like last year when I held my own party at my own house with really cool friends or dread. Maybe it is because I had the perfect example of the dream New Years at the age of 16. Girlfriend by my side, dressed up to the nines, at some high end party where we felt totally out of place, but because we were with each other, we were able to joke about the situation, enjoy the chocolate covered strawberries, escape for a cigarette away from the stuffiness, and ultimately living in each others eyes until the ball dropped and our lips kissed, hinting the flavors of high quality Champagne. I can hardly even make out faces or people from that night, only her. Maybe it was because on the drive home that night it began to snow and we danced in the street to “our song” with a candle from the glove box lit on the roof of my little red car.

Or maybe it was because after that I decided to skip out on the “family New Years” and go to parties. All of which ended up with disappointment. People wanting to get wasted till they puked into the new year never made much sense to me. Searching a party or a bar for a New Years kiss seemed extremely impersonal and contrived.

Or perhaps it was the low key New Years I then subsequently spent with cousins, friends, or family after that. Relaxing and ringing in the New Year with a guaranteed relaxed good time. No pressure and no expectations.

Or maybe it is because New Years is the one holiday of the year that can actually make me yearn for someone next to me and tap into my independence, cut it down, and make me lonely.

I don’t wait until the clock and calendar line up perfectly to make changes in my life and the barrage of “resolutions” and “see ya later shitty _ _ _ _ year” all seem silly to me. When I need to make changes or get drunk off my ass, I do it. I don’t need a party hat to make it official. I enjoy every year be it good or bad. I learn each year what kind of person I am more and more.

So why is it that this year I have decided to spend the New Year alone? I guess it could be a culmination of the entire year in itself. The lack of complete 100% motivation to really commit to my life, my career, and tackle that which is my inner psychi. Shit I hardly wanted to talk to it. Perhaps it is realizations that perhaps the last few years were not what I expected and much of it falls on my own shoulders for what I would and would not do. A mindset, a stubbornness, and brick wall. Maybe this year I have finally decided to take my “accepting” nature of good bad and ugly and actually do something about it, causing me to have to drive the road with the most speedbumps, the most heartache, and the scariest unknown outcomes. This year I am about to put it all out there, put myself on the line. I already gave an emotional bit of me that I had never really given into before and now I try to approach myself and my career. There is a lot of really good groundwork laid that is helping me to conquer my fear of myself as well. It goes so much deeper than just a clock ticking or a number at the end of 3 others changing.

So why did I put very little effort into actually organizing ANY type of New Years plan? I guess it was because I had planned something in my head and it didn’t quite pan out, making everything else seem mediocre. And so I sit here New Years Eve knowing it will be over soon and waiting in angst for it to end so that I can go on with my plan, I can continue to poke and prod my complicated brain against the grain of what it likes to do, I can learn how to love deeper, I can work harder, I can drive myself to have drive itself.

So I sit here thinking of next year, not as a New Years lost but as the specific day that halts the world on end, making me sit here and reflect even for the tiniest of moments.

2014 does look to be a good year. Then again the end of 2013 was starting the groundwork as well(I mean come on I use INSTAGRAM NOW!!). But only if I make it that way. So let the hours tick away, let the confetti stream across the streets, and let the cleaning crew cover it up as if it never happened already so I can wake up and continue on this journey that is life, with those close to me, with those new to me, and with myself known and unknown; knowing I will push because I believe I can and want to, not because the year is over or the past year was hard. I am finally ready to do something about.. well everything. Not to mention some people are already in the New Year… so perhaps I could get a jump on it 😛

Happy New Year to you all, see you in 201…. tomorrow.