Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Month: July 2013

Uhm, romance, drugs, anxiety, and movies.

There is a very interesting trend I have noticed with movies lately. The movies addressing why in our minds we may feel sad, depressed, happy, joyous, entitled, or just lost. They have started to address the idea that we medicate to preserve ourselves from ourselves. And they are putting it in the middle of a Romance, not to say they are romanticizing it but they are giving it a commonality that we can feel and touch. But they also point out that this is some of the first times in history that do not have the “impact” of a WWII where we have the time and acceptance from those around us to explore deeper. But with any self exploration comes ups and downs. I think the first example I can point out was in the movie “Beginners”. It started off with a more blatant approach:

In Beginners you get these summations of what the world was for his father through pictures of the time he lived in; 1950’s. From snapshots of the war or comparisons of doctors and families and the difference between the way they grew up and the way we did. You find out he is and was gay for his entire marriage and when his wife passes away he can finally explore it. What that impact had on his marriage and what impact it had on him. You learn what he had to lose if he openly said he was gay, “His family”, the black and white smiling pictures of kids and parents at a pool or at the beach. You also learn how the world of today allows him to finally explore his own self more than he was allowed to when he was growing.

Then they talk about our generation with the same pictures: “We didn’t go to this war, we didn’t have to hide to have gay sex, our good fortune allowed us to feel a sadness that our parents didn’t have time for, and happiness I never saw with them. We didn’t know how we learned the stories in our heads, but sometimes they stopped running, and sometimes I could really see those in front of me. “

It is that one part that really hits home, the fact that our good fortune has allowed us to feel a sadness that our parents didn’t have time for. There is a strong truth in this and often overlooked. We are a generation of great opportunity and freedoms that were not there for our parents or more importantly their parents(depending what age you are), but with that has introduced more sense of introspection and self exploration, which in turn leads to depression, doctors always pointing at our mothers or fathers or past as reasons for which we may be “fucked up”, and the advancement of drugs that can help to bandage these kinds of feelings. So you get the one movie, where it began, ironically enough called Beginners. The idea being people in their late mid thirties still not having a clue to how the world works or how they fit into it, just beginning.

The second movie I saw was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. This movie is addressed directly at the youngest generations. Starring the younger generation of actors in a feature film dedicated to the idea of repressed memories, medication, exploration, bullying, and sexual orientation. It doesn’t use subtle metaphors or subliminal messaging, it comes right out with a blatant toast to the main character Charlie who has no friends, “A Toast to our new friend Charlie.”
Charlie asks, “What did I do”
He is responded to with, “Nothing, you see things, and you understand, you’re a wallflower. *pause* What is it what’s wrong?”
Charlie says, “I didn’t think anyone noticed me.”
Responded by, “We didn’t think there was anyone cool left to meet. To Charlie!”
Emma Watson knees down and say, “Welcome to the island of misfit toys.”

They use drug use, alcohol, sex, fights, and highschool as huge catalysts for what is a very well done story of what it felt like to be in highschool. I personally could relate ridiculously well in terms of the “feeling” of highschool.

The feeling of highschool. Those moments in time. Those frozen periods of time. Something only accessible when we were young. We were told so many times to that we would soul search to find ourselves but as we aged the ability to do so diminished in a way that maybe we had already been ourselves, found ourselves, been free with ourselves. Or maybe the way we could cope with life back then diminished, changed, dispersed over time not allowing our brains enough free space to explore like we could when kids because now we defended. The carefree mindspace filled making our souls more inaccessible than ever, but because we grew up being told we would have to “find ourselves” we were given a vest of dynamite as little children and don’t know any other way of getting the door open than blowing ourselves up in the process. These roadblocks put up by experience and life. Easily hurdled by youth, and easier to trip on by age. And metaphors aside… I will now tangent some more…

The lights of the monitors all around us probably have something to do with it. The idea that even if we aren’t connected that dim flicker of a screen versus the frozen moment in time we can put into poetry or story of our childhood. Or maybe it is the fact that the screens don’t flicker anymore, they are bright lights if all put together could be seen from outer space. Those lost feelings of just being happy and free driving windows down music up cigarette lit.

The movie is almost a glorified version of the reality we live in today. The need to explore our minds more than our fathers. The consequences we suffer when we do not. The repercussions a repressed memory or hatred, or sense of being bullied or bullying may effect us as we strive for answers. The not so easy and often extremely painful journey for, but shortened in the film, release you may get by paying attention to the shift in socially inaccessible PTSD or the repressed memory. “We didn’t go to this war, our good fortune allowed us to feel a sadness that our parents didn’t have time for…”
Same story different generation this time. The younger generation, the self medicated generation, the 1% generation(let me go on record saying I hate the 99% vs the 1% shit and occupy wall street is a whole other can of worms I don’t wanna open right now, but I will say I think half of it was bs).

Sure as we see in the Rants section of alttabme.com, the hot button topics often get the bigger topics sidelined or overlooked these days, especially when it comes to politics or the people as a bigger entity, a greater whole, but even though that may be true for the purposes of the movie and a general shift in our societies “forefront thoughts” they fit perfectly for the presentation this movie had to offer. Then you get to the movie I saw last night “Silver Linings Playbook”, to which the synopsis written on the back of this movie is quite misleading:After a stint in a mental institution, former teacher Pat Solitano moves back in with his parents and tries to reconcile with his ex-wife. Things get more challenging when Pat meets Tiffany, a mysterious girl with problems of her own.”

Sounds like FUN! Robert De Niro, Bradley Cooper, the actors of my generation! This movie will be a blast!

Well it turns out this movie is variation of the movies above but this time catered toward my generation more. The 20-30 model. In order to make this work they focus more on forming a situation that causes that “repression” or undiagnosed mental hiccup to become the forefront. In a way it is forcing the issue as one would be exposed to the idea of sobriety at an AA meeting. For my generation the idea of “talking about your feelings” was just on the cusp of being acceptable but still held and holds a great stigma. Going on medication would frighten people and threaten relationships. It isn’t until my generation hit a certain age where we realized that our parents telling us we didn’t need therapy might have been bullshit. But because it was so ingrained in our heads as a bad thing we turned to one another for support. So you have the broken helping the broken.

This can often lead to some fragmented relationships that can only end in one person’s happiness and one person being content. Either one person gets something out of the relationship and makes steps towards exploration and the other realizes they need to step away to let them now learn who they are or you are stuck in a situation where you realize the “crazy” isn’t going away anytime soon and if your crazy isn’t at the level of crazy of the other or even if it is, can you both deal with it and progress forward. Not necessarily in a step by step direction but in a progression for your love, for your well being, and for your selfishness. The hardest part I think is recognizing it is OK to be selfish.

This movie did a spectacular way of showing that crazy being met by more crazy to help in a once again romanticized ending. While I may not agree with the way it “works out” I do agree with the fact that these movies are realizing something we, as a people, may not even be aware of. They are movies, they are entertainment, but they are truths bottled up into scripts, portrayed by society inflated personas. The Shakespearean Fool is how I would define me as a personality if ever asked to give the best description of myself. I can tell the truth more often than others because I can twist it into a jest. If you are laughing, as much of a reality check it may be, it is still a “joke”. You see the world, the one in the castle that is sheltered from the peasants and even more the world outside the walls. But as the Fool you live outside of those walls, you walk with the people, your day job is the only time you are “part” of grandeur.
They tug harder on the “therapist medicated” group in this movie. The stigma attached to them, the actual good it can do for those who need it, and the fear we have after we swallow the pill given to us that perhaps the person giving it to us is in no better place than us, it has been misdiagnosed, we will be judged, or it will make us less of the person we hope to be.

Something I myself have had to deal with as I got older. My coping mechanisms as I grew started to focus elsewhere. I too suffer repressed memories or none at all. I too have heard the “Let’s talk about your childhood too many times”. The best therapist I ever saw said to me, “So you have some childhood trauma? Well why don’t we talk about today.” I was never happier when I heard that. Because unbeknown to me I have very little to reference or give to the so called trauma or things that happened in my childhood other than other peoples memories and accounts. Did I repress it? Maybe. But is it also possible that because I was unaware of the negative aspect of it, I didn’t care enough to remember? I take Klonopin. I have heard it all, the naive approach of, “Doesn’t that make you weird?” I have answered it in every way I know how, “It doesn’t actually change me it just makes the panic attacks not happen, No it doesn’t make me tired”, but even I wonder if it truly does affect me a bit.

I LOVE that these movies are touching on this aspect of our social interaction with the world and ourselves. I love that they talk about medicating. I love that they talk about self medicating. I love that they just talk. Seeing it, hearing it, picturing myself in it, all of the things you do while watching a movie are exciting, because you/I live it every day.

I too suffer anxiety and social inadequacy. I grew up scared to form opinions as it might outcast me. Then becoming so independant to counter the extreme I experienced and disliked that I became extremely opinionated, because I found picking one thing was better than riding the middle. But in the end I am always waiting for someone to argue back and show you a different one. Being moldable with your opinions is something that isn’t understood by many. If you take a strong stance, perhaps you only have one view? Take my ArcheAge post recently. I took a very strong stance on the game, but if no one stands up to what others hype and overlook you end up with mediocrity. Will something come out of it? Will the developers take my ONE opinion into consideration… I don’t know, but I do know that an opinion is just an opinion until you actually give it some backing. This is why I have a very hard time dealing with those who choose one direction, say as an example, politically, but have no idea why. They reference a bible or a document from years ago, but they ignore the words coming out of those who have influence now and today. I do not claim to be well read, as I hardly do it, but I am observant enough to form an opinion on something just by interaction. That was my saving grace in highchool english. I read none of the books but listened to the class and the teacher in my half asleep stupor, allowing myself to put together, albeit fragmented, rebuttals or advocacy. Through more conversation I could then solidify that standing. That is what I do to this day. I found the most extreme example of this form of communication being taken as “attacks” or “invasive” when I lived in California. The East Coast mentality from NYC is that a debate, a conversation, a bias of opinion is normal conversation. If you don’t get heated, you don’t care. But out there if you didn’t keep it a level below 1 it was considered rude and almost condescending. All I want is for someone to stand up to what they believe in, because if you are like the 1% blowing your flutes and beating your drums, without reason and ideas to help repair something you picture to be broken, then how do you expect someone to listen to you when they do come down and say, “OK LAY IT ON ME”. We are all in this world doing our best and thankfully some of the world knows they don’t always have it right. Take for example this quote from Groupon’s CEO who was just fired:

After four and a half intense and wonderful years as CEO of Groupon, I’ve decided that I’d like to spend more time with my family. Just kidding – I was fired today. If you’re wondering why… you haven’t been paying attention. From controversial metrics in our S1 to our material weakness to two quarters of missing our own expectations and a stock price that’s hovering around one quarter of our listing price, the events of the last year and a half speak for themselves. As CEO, I am accountable.
For those who are concerned about me, please don’t be — I love Groupon, and I’m terribly proud of what we’ve created. I’m OK with having failed at this part of the journey. If Groupon was Battletoads, it would be like I made it all the way to the Terra Tubes without dying on my first ever play through. I am so lucky to have had the opportunity to take the company this far with all of you. I’ll now take some time to decompress (FYI I’m looking for a good fat camp to lose my Groupon 40, if anyone has a suggestion), and then maybe I’ll figure out how to channel this experience into something productive.

And holy fuck did I just derail hardcore.

Uhm, romance, drugs, anxiety.. yeah… since I was little I yearned harder than anyone else for that love that just made sense to have next to you in every situation. The one that makes sitting on a couch kissing OK even if it is at a family gathering. The love that makes you inspired to write. I wonder sometimes if I am incapable of that love, if I need strife to write. But I know much of my writing has been inspired by love, sometimes good love, sometimes destructive, and sometimes lost.

So the fact that these movies are using Romance as a coating is brilliant.

The romance that is in our lives is a driving force regardless of if we choose to see it as we do our jobs, careers, income, “laid out life plans” or not, so coating these movies in an outer layer of romantic comedy/drama helps it to be digested. As ambitious or successful we are, these relationships will define who we wake up next to and who we stay awake at night talking to because they may just be better than our dreaming.

These movies treat relationships as less fragile. More of a filler until the right one is presented to us through happy mishap. Cheating being less of a faux pas and more of an exploration to finding out the truth. That I feel is more catered to the generation after mine, I think. Even the older relationships in movies are ending with the couples just not being happy, a bi-product of a lot of relationships committed to for the wrong reasons. One would think perhaps that would happen less after we have had more time to watch the Divorce boom of our generation. The common thread being the idea that expressing your feelings toward another and not making them express it toward you first, a twisted version of cat and mouse, will land you the kill. Even in these movies where they portray that as something they dislike, it is still how the boy gets the girl. Through naivety it looks as though they are doing it differently with their words wrapped around the idea that the games are bullshit, but through that disconnect they actually present themselves in the exact way they wouldn’t want to have to deal with.

But I applaud these movies and I think it is important to recognize that our society does have more time to reflect, and with that comes more questions. It causes us to try new approaches, it allows for some of us a reflection on how we have had to grow up dealing with it, or for those of us younger how they might have to deal with it if they don’t.

Mass media and films are not the gospel but they do appeal to a very broad audience to make a “blockbuster”. People are watching, people are listening, people are relating, and to me that is a damn good step in the right direction. Now if I could only figure myself out so I too could have a 3 minute montage where I figure out why my life drastically changed chemically at the age of 20 or someone could actually release a movie with the answer to what love actually is at the end instead of blowing the entire movie with an over the top dramatic ending in one direction or another, we would be all set haha. But in all honesty, I think the best endings are the ones that leave those choices up to you, because love is personal. Your mind is personal. The way society treats your medication(exposed), or love(undervalued), or anxiety(misunderstanding)… not so much, so it is nice to have those exposed moments in the meat of the production but the end having a little bit you can bring home and simmer on.

Communicate with me dammit!

I almost put this on my dating profile, but know better. No one likes a Debbie downer, but I feel like it might just help haha.

 

“If you are offended by more than one message in succession to communicate or have a conversation, please kindly fuck off 🙂 this does NOT mean I want to fuck you, marry you, or any other crazy you came up with. For fucks sake people, I grew up in Zurich when I was young, where we talk the way we are on the day we say it. We don’t sugar coat shitty days and we don’t wait with baited breath for good ones. We are ourselves 99% of the time. We don’t think it is crazy to share or be excited to meet someone. Feel free to waste your time elsewhere. I value mine. Seriously tired of the closed off, judgmental people on this site. Stop trying to pin your own reservations or shit relationship experiences on me. Whatever backward social norm it is that you follow for time between messaging another person can seriously kiss my ass. Thank you kindly. I workout, eat healthy, enjoy frozen yogurt on a hot ass night, the outdoors, don’t do drugs, don’t have an std, am above average looking, am actually 5’10, drink very little, never cheated, and listen as well as have opinions. I won’t settle for mediocre. Hopefully I have scared off at least 90% of you at this point.”

Cause(s) and Effect(s)

I desperately need someone in my life who understands that a question doesn’t only consist of Cause and Effect, but Causes and Effects. When I am told, asked, or see something I immediately in what can only be described as a subconscious millisecond, think of every possible scenario for what I am experiencing. It might be far fetched, stupid, the wrong choice, and the right ones, but the key here is that without even trying, I have just broken down a billion scenarios in the blink of an eye, and therefore when I answer or ask, I expect the person in the conversation with me to be able to continue forward having already ruled out the, what I would call “obvious”. No I am not blowing my own horn of self righteousness here, I am being honest, there are so many people who literally don’t think past the surface. Through experience and meeting different people you learn this.

I observe the world around me way more intensely than some, which may sound like it is stressful, but for me it is just the quick fire of a synapse in the brain, and it is over. I can totally chew gum and walk at the same time. This is why my heart, under a microscope, is probably bandaged up, split, cracked, and splintered, but still pumping strong.

If you heart DOESN’T look like this by the time you find love, you were doing it wrong.

I go into relationships with the idea that if I don’t open myself up to the hundreds of possible outcomes, good or bad, I am not giving it my all, and I am wasting my time and yours.

So if you can multitask thoughts, understand that I am not married to just one outcome of a conversation, and enjoy talking because it leads to… more talking. We should get along well 🙂

If you heart DOESN’T look like this by the time you find love, you were doing it wrong.

10 Day Juice / Raw Fast

So me and my friend who has fought 4 different boughts with cancer through juicing and raw organic eating, has decided to concoct a 10 day diet for the both of us. The first 3 days will be juice only, day 4 and 5 will be juice and smoothies, 6 7 8 9 and 10 will be juice with a few raw meals.

Now I don’t mind drinking my food, but I also workout 5 days a week. I have timed this on my recovery week, so I don’t have to push as hard. But either way it should be extremely challenging.

Why am I doing it?

  • I like a challenge.
  • I want to see the effects of the quick weight loss that comes with the territory of this even if you have 90% chance of gaining it back after.
  • I want to learn more about my body, preparing my foods, and how to make healthier things to eat.
  • Cleanse the shit out regardless of arguments against it. Either way the intake will be cleaner than what I do so it will cleanse something :)
  • I already juice my morning and afternoon meals, so I feel like I can do it.

Challenges:

  • I hate prep and cleaning. So the prep work and cleaning involved will be a serious challenge for me.( I mean look at the plastic cups in the background of the first picture… yeah, my life summed up lol)
  • Energy, I NEED this for my workouts. They are nothing less than intense. So I will have to figure out with her help how to supplement when I need to.
  • The Aftermath: I need to ween off the diet. You can’t just have a burger at the end.
  • Gastro Intestinal issues: I have the stomach of a princess. I am sensitive to many things, so I am worried I will feel sick a lot with raw things such as onions. But we will see. All in or all out. And adjust on the fly.

I will mostly likely be updating here as it progresses as I doubt there will be anything else I am thinking about during the day. So here is my first entry and here is my first image:

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My juices will go into these! 8 dollars at Target for 12 of them!
Wish me luck and stay tuned for more.
(I absolutely apologize as I progress through this if I read anything wrong and I come off abrasive, PLEASE tell me if I am at any point. It might happen. But you are all my friends so I trust you can deal with my crazy haha. God the podcasts should be interesting haha.)

Sundays Entry(The Shopping List):
6 Cucumbers
2x Carrots 5lb bags or 2 large bags
6Red peppers
6 Yellow peppers
6Green peppers
3 large bunches or 4 if small kale
3 large bunches or 2 big bags of spinach
8 Zucchini both green and yellow
4 bunches Celery
15 Greens apples
2bags Red grapes
5 Fennel
1 pineapples
3 large sweet potatoes
1 or 2 papayas
10 lemons
2 large roots of Ginger
Almond milk (unsweetened ) *raw would be great if they have
Cayenne pepper
2 things of Blueberries
8 Parsnips
3 bunches of Swiss chard
3 bunches Parsley
3 bunches of cilantro
1 Watermelon
1 bunches of basil
2 bunches of mint
10 oranges
10 grapefruits
8 limes
3 bunches of beets
12 plum tomatoes
2 bunches of bananas
That should last me until Thursday. Here are the images:

Let me say this, I am 100% overwhelmed, freaked out, and clenching my wallet. This is so out of my element, I literally was freaking out not knowing what went into the fridge or not. But I am excited at the same time. It looks wonderful but this shopping trip was 2 hours at 3 different stores. It is NOT easy by any means.

Day 1:

Morning Prep:

I ran into an issue this morning however, I am getting extreme boughts of nausea from the ginger carrot juice. I think my body has a hard time with such a fast intake of potent vitamins. Laid out on the floor nausea haha. Good times. I also think I psyched myself out a bit too. So I probably tossed some panic in there as well with my anxiety.

Soooooo anyway I am going to be diluting my next juice with water to feel out my body.

Everyone is different. It isn’t about winning or losing, it is about seeing what works with you and what makes it so you can follow through. Just breath and enjoy it. If something feels off, it is, and adjust.

An hour later 12:30 PM: I have shit 3 times already. This probably has to do with the fact that I ate my sisters raw shit last night and all clean, and then my body kinda wanted to expel what I drank this morning. So far I can say this is not soo pleasant ;P

2PM: Watered down my juice with a giant glass of water, took 20 minutes to drink it. No stomach ache or nausea. Weird feeling in throat, but that’s it.. PROGRESS!!

4 PM: Did I mention I am not putting on my nicotine patch? Hahaha add that to the mix for fun aloofness 😛
Man drinking stuff makes you fucking hungry. I swear I am not usually this hungry, but a drink every two hours makes your stomach feel empty as can be while also feeling bloated… hard to describe.

I am about to partake in my 3rd juice of the day, yet… I am oddly not hungry at all, but the weird this is I am very hungry but NOT in the hunger pains kinda way.. very hard to explain… Also feel kinda bloaty full so weird lol. As well it really makes you WANT real food. Which is really funny considering I am not even hungry for real food like this any other time. Oh juice you strange beast. Here we go!

5PM: Finally finished the carrot juice. Blech I do NOT like the taste of carrots juiced. I prefer the green stuff actually oddly enough. Took me like 40 minutes to drink it lol. The pee breaks are occurring way more frequently now.

7PM: tried my best to force down another green juice. I don’t mind the taste but I am just NOT hungry. So I got through about 20 OZ and dumped the last 3 or 4. I just couldn’t stomach it anymore.

Another one at 8:30 9 as well. God damn so many juices! I can’t see anyone ever getting hungry on this.

8:45PM Forcing my last juice down my throat. Slowly.. ugggg EVERY FUCKING JUICE TASTES THE MOTHER FUCKING SAME. Fizzy bubbly sweet grossness. Ughhhh not happy.

I am literally at a point here where I don’t even want to taste this shit anymore lol so gross. They all taste the same. Like leafy fizzy foamy assholes. Why do people eat like this? A beautifully cooked Salmon with Mini baked potatoes or some scallops and a spring salad. Why is THAT not considered GOOD for us? Pffft I call shennanigans. I should just take a motherfucking laxative and colon cleanse, call it a day then eat some mother fucking real food that tastes good, looks good, and has nutritional value…. right after I polish off a bag of oreos of course.

———- DAY 2 ———

Ok so around 10pm last night I had a cup of Ginger Tea, it made me much happier.

Slept REALLY well. Woke up energized and before my alarm at 8 30 am which is crazy considering that is WAY earlier than my normal schedule.

Drank a lemon tea while prepping today with honey. Was lovely.

So finished my prep and juices for the day today a lot quicker. I am already low on some ingredients, such as apples and swiss chard. I will be replacing it with oranges/lemons and spinach.

I got REALLY hungry while prepping today.

I did NOT get nauseous with my first juice today!

I worked out without a problem. So that was cool. I mean I am a little weak, as in need more water breaks while doing the exercise, but overall I felt fine. Sweating is funny, cause you smell like juice 😛 Bye bye toxins!

No need to poo today… so I can only expect a surprise eventually lol.

Oh and forgot, maybe this is placebo effect, but my sweat acne on my forehead that I had from working out, is uhm.. gone and my skin feels different… I might be nuts…

I am a little freaked by how much produce I still have and watching some of it like the peppers get kinda weird looking. So hopefully with the raw food I will be transitioning into I won’t be wasting a lot. Mind you I had to make prep buying here so I wouldn’t need a car till Thursday. My Bananas are not happy.

5:30pmThere is always a wall, so I felt great and then I was like OK i am hungry and it is time for the 4th juice. Well let me tell you, this juice is always more than 16 oz by A TON. And fuck me man… I just can’t seem to get through this one without it taking more than an hour. It is tastey for the first 16 oz but after that my mouth body and stomach are like NO MORE PLEASE!!!! But hey if thats it not the end of the world.

10:30PM Hmm I feel ok but apparently I am much weaker than I feel, almost fell a few times today from just standing up or taking a step backward from being light headed and not knowing it.

I will say this, my ears, are kinda closing themselves a bit, weird right? But actually peaceful. Much more of a muted sound to the world.

———- DAY 3 ———

Day 3 Juices done like a pro! Prepped em, juiced em, Strained them, jarred em, cleaned everything, all in under 45 minutes BOOYAH! For reference first time I did it, it took me 2 and a half hours.

Feeling tired and a bit weak today. Also def getting abdominal pains need to poop soon. lol.

My skin is Definitely smoother. There is this moisturizing effect from juicing to your whole body. It is rad!

6:PM Swapped my last Juice and the one before it. SO MUCH BETTER that way.

I have learned a lot about Knowing my own limits here. If it doesn’t work for you, adjust it. Super important, and super hard for me who likes a regiment that everyone can do and has done before.

Well tomorrow I start going to some solids again but it looks like I have been tricked into a much longer than 10 day lifestyle change here. We will see how the raw plays out, but with the recipes and juices and smoothies I now have at my disposal, I can make some really amazing food. The idea here is to transform my veggie intake to 90% and meat to 10%.

We will see if that works out. All I know though is it is fun so far, challenging and rough at times, but in a good way. I am not sure how I would maintain this with a full time job, the prep is nuts and on top of that I workout.

Anyway we will see how this works out in the long term for now I am still on my 10 day course and doing well :)

I have heard a lot of talk about a 20 day juice cleanse to reset your palette yadda yadda, and while the idea appeals to me, I am not really doing this to reset anything, I am doing this as a challenge to myself, as a small detox from whatever, and as a long term learning to sustain myself on more than packaged foods or deli meats. I mean come on a guy who cooks is damn sexy, a guy who cooks/prepares raw wins all the ladies :)

———– Day 5 ————-

I guess I need an update eh?

Yesterday I fell asleep at 8pm and woke up at 8am but could have slept more.

So starting to mix solids into the diet now. Believe it or not I am not WAY more hungry. The juice fills ya up and keeps ya from the hunger pangs. All my food is raw.

I.E. Breakfast part 1:

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Overall, I am enjoying this.

I have lost 4 lbs. from 164.6lbs to 160.6lbs

For those who wanted Body fat % I went from 14.4 to 13.8 % and a BMI of 23.2 to 23.1 so nothing that is even noteworthy. I also have been working out every day.

It gets much easier as time goes on. One thing I will say, time seems to go slower AND faster when you juice. I dunno how to explain it but the minutes tick by much slower when working out but when waiting for the next meal fly by.

I thought my sense of smell was better after quitting smoking, fuck I didn’t know anything, I can now smell the bleach in my shirts when I workout. I can smell EVERYTHING.

“SHE IS BETTER THAN THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS…. SHE IS REAL.”

What would I describe love as?

Or perhaps better put what would I describe the feeling I yearn for from another in my life?

I suppose my ears could tell you through the voice of a beautiful song. The way the tone resonates through my heart and body. The tremble the sound carries to my ear drums that shake my body and cause my hairs to stand on end. The sound filling your whole body, unable to make out the words, but just register the feeling it causes you.

Perhaps my mind could think for you through the lack of struggling with signs, or how it could be, or how it might be, but how it is.
 
I suppose I have always thought of finding that special person as something special above itself. Not that it would be grandiose or a perfect definition of textbook love, far from it.

I guess it would be an equilibrium of ease and comfort, mixed with the complications that are brought to us every day in our lives. From the simple upset stomach from some bad food, or perhaps the unINTENTIONAL upset stomach from too much junk food, to the simplistic beauty one can see in another, perhaps through an indie film perspective, in which you can take it shot by shot and apply a simple color wash to the filter of the day. The day transformed into a de-saturated image of how it actually is, but the lack of color actually gives it the feeling of fall’s crisp air, and the beautiful colors of the leaves falling off trees around you as you try to capture the moment in your mind forever because you know you only have so much time in your day to stand and stare at the beauty of nature shedding its prior season.

Being able to look into the eyes of that person next to you, be it near on a pillow next to you or far across a table during dinner, and knowing, you both are familiar with the idea of investing time and effort into one another without needing to surround the drama of the world around your visions sheltering your senses from what could be great, or could just be friendship.

The simplest of smiles that can be brought to your day by the other person remembering something small that you mentioned earlier in the week. Just seeing an effort that they too care and are thinking of you in the empty space, usually filled with our day to day lives, between conversation. A feeling of care. The feeling one would get in highschool usually after you were titled “boyfriend and girlfriend”. The attached stigma of those words broke down many more walls and caused hugs to become a daily occurrence and kissing to be part of your hello and not a question per date. But regardless of statements, titles, words in general, it is a feeling one would think could be plain and overwhelming.

Within the strengths and passions of each day, lived by both parties, there is the understanding that the idea of a simple life and happiness are not defined by where you are or your days final outcome, but that the simple life is a state of mind and if shared within that ideal, together both can live past sarcasm, jokes, and hiccups that often cause a bit of strife. But somehow the person next to you inspires your passion and can make a hallmark card moment make sense, not because you read it, but you realize you can now say it without the card.

The simple ability to say what comes to your mind and if you change it later, being able to correct it, without the scare of having chosen the wrong answer first. We all need that second moment to rethink what we say, and sometimes we agree and sometimes we wish to say it again or in 50 different ways to express how we really feel.

The time-lines of two people often have to align for you to get the relationship to even begin, it is when those time-lines go out of sync(which WILL happen, because we all have changes, physically, chemically, and mentally as we progress through life) when we really see how it works with the other person. How we work together then is when our “essence of love” truly shines.

When we meet a person, even if it is the FIRST time, or we see a picture of them, or hear their voice on the phone, or understand one of their opinions, I believe, even though I can only speak for myself, we picture them in every situation that defines a family, a life together, coming home to them, how they will be with possible children, waking up next to them, having to sleep next to them every night and not having your OWN bed. I believe this almost primordial instinct is natural and we should not be afraid because of stigmas against it to think about it or even discuss it, but not to lay it out step by step, or think that we are pushing too far into the future with these thoughts, but just consider it part of that first impression, and just take it day by day. It will become more obvious as time goes on, and time is really the only thing that can really shine this brightly. So think it but understand we all have more than just a few thoughts in our head at once, and while these may sound huge, they are just a beginning of a transformation of the mind to looking at the other person as a possible part of your life.

I believe instincts are very important to be followed and usually followed right away. I suppose not being afraid and thinking of a relationship as something you jump head into to see if it works because god knows how long we have to just BE, so why not find out if you are someone I want to even kiss in the first place, instead of putting the kiss before hand in order to know you. Then either take the small emotional hit if it doesn’t work out and be friends or not, or perhaps something more will appear.

I cannot say my past relationships have not been a deciding factor in how I react to the next one. But to treat the next person as just that, a different person, someone who isn’t another but them, and to respect what it is THEY are. To know there are similarities with everyone, but everyone is UNIQUE. This is true with everything that “affects” us in life, so like the song that fills your head with sweet sounds giving you that puppy love feeling, unable to hear the words of the actual song, let it help you, let it guide you through that beginning blindness and find the picture you are looking for. And perhaps you will walk into the gallery seeing something that truly is something you would pay a ridiculous amount of money just to have it hanging in your house, or kindly thank the receptionist and walk out of the gallery, not afraid to explore the hidden meaning in all the other art being offered around you.

ADDITION:

I believe working on love as a conscious effort is just as important as “the instant” love, which is truly something I cannot say I know much about. I mean if we can work on bettering ourselves, or even work at a job we love, why can’t we also work on love. Isn’t Love Money Fame and Happiness some of the top things people want? So We work towards all the others, why not love too, it is just as important.

So those are my thoughts. Obviously I have a million more and I wonder if I express everything properly the first time, but that is OK I think, because there is time to re-address things and to talk about it, instead of it being chiseled into stone on, THIS IS HOW IT IS. Consider this my journal entry to myself with intent of someone reading it.

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