Whats wrong?

Simple really, I stopped smoking and through that I lost ambition to workout, and without working out I gained weight, without smoking I gained it faster. At the same time I finished a long term job and now have none. And without smoking I am in a cloud of fuck, and in this cloud of fuck I can’t make reasonable decisions. At the same time I have to figure out my apartment situation which is always fun stress when the lease is going to end, and at the same time I feel like a failure. Yet my family who praised me for my accomplishments still aren’t privy to that fact, so I feel like I am letting everyone down. What are you working on. I HAVE NO IDEA cause I DUNNO WHAT I WANNA WORK ON. I am lost, soul searching to the extreme. And then I think about dating and I have and I wonder how can anyone date me and not see failure, when I know inside I am not a failure, I am just in a weird place, but then I look in the mirror and see failure. There ya go. Oh and I did the math and by the time I am 30 I will be flat ass broke. I am a fucking catch right now.

Some how though I can still smile and spend money and be me. Yet inside I fucking rip and tear and shred at myself. I just wanna know how to share what I have to offer with the world in a way that I can accomplish the things I want, the need for recognition, and the need to be me, not a character in someone else’s story.

I am actually fine with not smoking now, I feel better smell better etc, but then I look at the weight and the lack of inspiration to do anything about it and then money comes to mind I can’t afford a trainer like I used to be able to.

I am being proactive though I bought resistance bands and am going to start p90x / insanity hybrid. I needed something less impactful on the floor to not annoy neighbors after 3. 

Oh funny story, I have no idea what I look like in the mirror, and I also want to just eat a can of tuna when I see myself getting past a certain weight. Yeah I have been like that for many years, awesome trait. I am 160-162 right now and I used to be 153-155. You would think hey no biggie, to me it isn’t the ripped self I saw was possible with a trainer and it will affect my life.

Girls don’t judge appearance like us guys do, but I swear I feel like if I am not my 100% when I first meet someone physically then I am fucking it up. And that is messed up. Cause I am always me, but I think that way. And dare I say how HARD it is to maintain what I consider to be 100% fuck…

I wanna be in shape, because deep down in my subconscious I have to look like the movie stars because I swore one day I would be one, so then there is that… the thought that I have taken the easy way out of being behind the camera instead of infront of it. Although I just don’t wanna be in front of it for the same reasons anymore. I want it to be ME infront of it. And not talking about youtube videos but being able to help.

I think I can do this with my writing but am unsure how to setup a place for me to organize my stuff into any readable order and also a place where people can interact or ask me questions because I am best when I can 1 on 1.

I wanna move, I like my place but I don’t at the same time it feels constricting. I just wanna re-organize my desks aka part of my life.

I wanna love, but I don’t know how to find love anymore ever since I thought I found it. Which in turn made me soo much more picky. It raised my standards again after dropping them after many years.

Well there ya go. Journal entry to no one, yet to everyone.

Not sure if I am keeping this one public yet… so yeah.