Lately I have been in a rut. I feel low even though things are good in some senses and mysterious in others.

I have doubts of my life goals, my future decisions, and my current ones as well.

As you may or may not know I quit smoking, it was 5 months a few days ago, and it is still a struggle. Then I think about the fact that 5 months passed and realize my life is not where I thought it would be by now which makes me get semi depressed because even after “searching” and “trying” many jobs, paths, goals, I still have NO IDEA what I want to do with my life, and I have tried a LOT. And a lot of those “attempts” were VERY successful. 

How can you pick ONE thing to dedicate a huge chunk of your life to if you don’t know if you will like it for more than a weekend. 

I also have this huge want to just speak my mind 100% lately. Fuck the “joking” “sarcasm” and other methods to skirt the true to others so they take it without getting pissed.

I am tired of this so called tactful way of saying “You are a complete dick and I want nothing to do with you”. 

Why should we be pissed if someone has a different opinion or view on things. Why should we be pissed if we don’t fit someone elses life. Just say it how it is.

I suppose I figured also that by now I would have found someone to be in my life with me. I also thought I would have some sort of fame to my name by now. Yes I have achieved many things including that so called “fame” but it was fast fleeting and never had the effect I wanted from it: To be able to have an impact on those around me with what I have to share. And through that I would have access to more people to possibly be in my life with me. But alas it doesn’t work that way. And the groupie is probably not the best way to find love.

I have a very in depth view of love and relationships, and I have found I will speak my mind on that subject more than others, so when I share what I write about it they often react well. But where is that yin to my yang that has a million opinions, loves a million things, and can love me for that fact that I don’t have my shit together yet but know how to love. 

Where is my hiking partner that doesn’t mind if I get lost in a video game or random obsessive compulsive endeavor? 

I am in great shape and all I want is for someone to hold my arms and touch my stomach now that they are changing to me too. Someone to notice it and enjoy it. I feel like I am wasting it.

I put a lot of emphasis on my own physical appearance because I don’t feel like myself when I am bigger, yet I seem to attract women more when I am out of shape… I don’t get it other than maybe I put so much emphasis on it, I subconsiously try less because I feel like my personality isn’t as important if I have abs of steel haha. But I am still the same teddy bear, romantic at heart boy who just wants to wake up and run my hands through her hair, kiss her forehead, and go on with my day knowing I will see her when I return. 

My dreams are messed up lately too. From being at my old job, to getting ill, to other weird things that are hard to explain due to them being dreams(the sleeping kind). My mind is a mess, and I wish I had someone to keep track of them with me other than my family. 

Will I never find that job because I can’t make up my mind? And because I can’t make up my mind will I not be able to love? Love finds you so they say, but right now my days consist of me working out alone, working alone, and feeling very alone.

I dunno. I am scared, feeling down, and also feeling great because of my physical shape. But even that is fleeting.