It was in front of my face this whole time and yet it took a quiet night in the hottub tonight to figure it out.

All around was sandstone bricks, beach chairs, the sound of the waterfall, and a very warm evening. Warm glows from the under lit palm trees enveloped my vision. Beautiful tropical leaves and foliage covered over my head. The sky was clear enough to see a star or two. It was truly breathtaking. The smells in the air as the gentle breeze whisked them all into my nose brought up a sensation of vacation.

This is the key word here: vacation.

Since my move I have always said going to the beach or smelling the ocean at work even the constant sun has made me remember to all the vacations I would take as a child. Why didn’t I put this together sooner however is beyond me.

For me, the sensation of vacation has always been complete when I knew I had a week or two where I had no worries, school was out, or whatever it may be, but it allowed me to relax.

Now imagine being born on the east coast where the sensations of the area where I live, Orange County, mix with the feeling of a 24 hour vacation without the ability to relax because of work or other things we have to do when we are on our own.

Sensory Memory Overload.

I already have a hard time just relaxing unless I know I have no worries for at least a week, if not more.

I would go to the beach house that my Uncle had built and only when I knew I could throw all my worries aside could I truly relax. Knowing I had 10 days and 8 of them could be me just sitting at the beach not having to look at the clock for when I had to go was heaven.

While sitting outside today, I realized I couldn’t necessarily relax even though my environment was triggering all the sensations of a place to relax in.
While I find some true beauty in what is around me, it is this engrained feeling of vacation when I see palm trees or sand or smell the ocean salt that causes me to have a hard time relaxing on a day by day basis. You would think this would help since it is related to vacation, but when I know I cannot take that week or two it is difficult.

Then I realized, my vacations these days are traveling back to the east coast to see friends the city and family. There is one problem, I am going back to a sensation of work, school, and my bringing up for relaxation when in all reality I used to go to places like California to relax. It is a strange switch.

No real answer to any of this, nor a real problem so to say, just a realization.