Today is not a good day. I feel very lost. I didn’t realize, but I don’t really feel like I have anyone to talk to about anything right now. Everyone is very pre-occupied with work, goals, life, and in my opinion often occupied beyond reason or rationalization for being busy. Busy for the sake of busy. And I don’t fault anyone for it, but I do realize that I have a lot of things on my mind that I just haven’t been able to express and when I finally talked for about 1 minute to a friend about the surface of it, I almost started crying. Some people may even think they have the mind-space to talk to you, but in reality they don’t and if you dump it out, they will postpone their own lives, so consciously I say nothing to not get in the way.
Off the top of my head I am scared shitless for my future. I am scared of age, dying, not being happy, you name it. I have no job, I am not working out, I am smoking, I feel like shit, I feel cloudy, I wake up and go to sleep at bad hours. And I don’t have the motivation or feel it to fix it. I grasp onto any work prospects and give it my all, but get scared when I don’t really know if it will help me get to the next bill or burn out from lack of return for work put in. And while I do have a savings to keep me afloat for a bit longer, I don’t see any answers as to “what the fuck I want to do with my life”.
I have survived on my own for quite a bit now and the idea of “If anyone can do it, Tristan can.” has been following me around(the complete opposite of when I was a kid and everyone thought I was gonna end up in a gutter), spilling out of the mouths of most if not all the people around me. While I find it to sound nice coming from peoples mouths and semi ego boosting, I mostly find it extremely scary, because I feel that because I am good at making shit work or making work appear out of the air, that this sentiment leaves me on a very small island alone. I get a sense of resentment for my prior or future ability to pull in 3 months of pay on one job(that one job that comes maybe once a year) I feel like I am not on the minds of those people because they assume it will be OK. I am not saying I need people to worry, but I do need people I can speak to. Lately it seems the family is broken into bits and pieces of selfishness. The broken aspects are causing drama that seem to put the kids into a “parental” position and that is just weird. Everyone is secluding themselves, myself included. But then when you do reach out you get hit with the pent up subconscious aggression towards others making you not want to reach out again.
My motivation to get anything done right now is lacking. And the things I am passionate about are hard to follow because I can’t afford the luxuries of following them.
All in all I know I am in the right place in terms of decisions and what led me here, but I just feel like because of all the shit around me and lack of motivation on my end, I am very alone, scared, and on the verge of tears half the time.
Depression… I am afraid to say that because then one assumes “broken” or “therapist”. I do want to explore WHY THE FUCK my body and mind decided to tear my life apart at the age of 22. Why I got anxiety, why I couldn’t just leave my house to go out without thinking of “will there be a toilet, how will I feel once I get there, do I have my klonopin in case I spike a panic attack”. I feel like if there has ever been a better time it is now to tackle this fucker and get my life back. But not for the “your childhood sucked” reasons that most say, but for the I don’t want to be an 89 year old man at 29.
And then there is that.. almost 30.. wtf.
Anyway, there it is, my momentary thoughts of today that made it so my arms felt weak, my mind clouded, and my eyes filling with salty water.
