I sit here, listening intently to the song: I wonder, by Kellie Pickler. I heard this this weekend with my mother in the car. When i first heard it I got chills exactly when she did. I also felt the intense emotion this song gave off. Now I listen to it in my room at 2 am. I have tears in my eyes. In a way it reminds me of my life. Moving away from everything I had to pursue this amazing dream, a strange dream that was dream’t after I was here. My head hurts really bad lately and not a headache but from it being fulled and unable to release. I am fighting with my weight, I have lost so much lately and it feels great but it still is a way to go, from 205 to 185. I am afraid to quit smoking even though each drag on the cigarette makes me sick to my stomach because I can’t dream of putting the weight back on, but I am afraid I am not strong enough to put effort into a workout. Then I think… if I quit will I lose inspiration, will i lose a bit of myself. The things that help are thinking about how far I got without the smokes. ANd then how when I quit once before at work I was able to feel better and do more work than ever before. Now I get sick by the end of the day and need to go home, but due to the addiction it is hard to not have a few more before bed. My sleep is broken, my heart is full of things that don’t exist. I hear people telling me things like “You never cared” when all I did WAS care. I apologize to everyone for thinking about so much more than just myself. I apologize because often it looks like it is just me I am thinking of. If people knew half the shit, I think the world around me would collapse. I think that may be over exaggerated but at the same time it would be a fuck ton of bricks falling. Maybe my brain is just full. Maybe it is my fault, probably. But at the same time work stuff couldn’t be better other than the normal constipations. I fight soo hard to rise above that issue but it just bites my ass so much. I hear so much sometimes and sometimes you hear to much and it hurts to know there is so much being said behind the words. But I will always be that person. I like to be that person, just right now it is a little more difficult. I re-opened areas of my life due to recent events and it seems to be good but at the same time I feel that when I closed them i got so much done, perhaps it was meant that way, but perhaps it wasn’t. I think back to a time of me and my closest friends running a website called popelimited.com and I read my inspirations, and my stories, and watch my animations… and I wonder, where is that person, where is that outlet. I think it is here it is just a little harder to archive in a cooperate muddle. I am sure half this makes no sense to anyone but me but I think that is best. For me to hold onto the words and whispers and wind. I hit play once again on the song… I sit… I pause… I raise my ears. Music keeps me sain. I think I will post things on my personal blogs that people can see me for parts they may never have imagined. Maybe I will even write about now today these moments. Perhaps I will just be lazy. Tomorrow I make another attempt to quit smoking, i think… I just want to be me again. In this different life… I want to hold onto me. And I will, just need time. Why am I getting panic attacks(that scare the shit outta me) again. Is it the sun… is it the people… is it the situations… is it the fact that people close to me are lost in things that close off others… is it visitors… is it just me? I don’t know… I do know however I watch, I see, and I am not stupid… I just wait to see. Sucks when it bites back at me. People look up to you you know… if you chase the fox into the trap, those thoughts while the same may cause those who hold them to be sad. But then again words from both ends, whose do you believe?
You remind me of me… You remind me of my defense.. You know how to redirect the pain and the shit… you also remind me of me sitting in the shadow waiting thinking it wil work when you know damn straight it won’t… you and me are very similar, however I see something in this you do not because I am staring at me. You are being dumb, but how can I just say that? You are accepting things in hopes it will fix different things even though you are against what you accept. You hang out with people who make you sick just for a moment next to a person not even seeing the twinkle in your eyes. Stop getting stepped on, where is the person I first met who hated me. Sure some things are good changes, but shit where is that center core valued you we love to see. This is yours, own it well. Use us too, we will make you stronger. That is all there needs to be.
we may all have issues that we do not know the answer to or cannot solve or get over but it doesnt meanwe cannot help others
btw to those who know and I may not respond or give the attention needed, Thank you 🙂