So there is the definition, yet somehow I feel as though most people use this word in a completely broken way when it comes to relationships.
“Acceptable to Both”
“Each side making concessions”
But, what do I hear more often than the above?
YOU need to…
YOU have to….
YOU are going to have to compromise so they are comfortable/happy/ready.
This doesn’t sound like compromise. It could be, if the other person was also getting the above and decided to come to a decision with one another so both of the people involved were comfortable. But we most often hear “You need to compromise” from friends and family when we can’t understand what is going on with a significant other. It is the SIGNIFICANT other that needs to be having this conversation with you. If you are ever in a situation where there is a balance of power shift where you feel as though you have to compromise on who YOU are, it is no longer a compromise at all but you submitting to a bad situation or one that needs work. When you compromise with a loved one obviously you have to be humble and give a bit, but it is mutual. You don’t leave it feeling as though it isn’t better for the whole. You don’t feel as though it is hindering you from being you because it is allowing you to love stronger, harder, and with more understanding.
There is negative compromise and positive. At the end of the day you need to be ready to accept when it is negative and either stand your ground to keep who YOU are intact, or you must be able to come to the hard conclusion that the “MUTUAL” compromises needed to make the relationship work are not actually mutual from your end of the spectrum. I am saying “you” a lot because it is a selfish side of being that needs to be kept intact. That sense of self can often be lost for many people in and through other people’s needs and wants. So you feel like you are “compromising” so they are happy, but slowly you are breaking down all your own joy, creating a shell of who you could, can, and want to be. And eventually you get beaten puppy syndrome, brought on by your own inability to know when it was no longer a compromise but a, for lack of a better term, deal breaker.
Dating is scary, I get it. Especially in the beginning and even scarier as time goes on and more is invested. But we as a specifies need to get over our shit when it comes to the idea that a relationship may or may not be working. I know I have been stuck in many in the past because I was too prideful, comfortable, naive, to just tell the other person I was no longer happy and why. So me thinking I am giving it my all is actually bringing down two people, my significant other and myself.
Dating gets tiring, I get it. Loud and clear. The fatigue that sets in from telling your “intro story” over and over, getting excited because they said something in return that made you think it would be beautiful together, or just dealing with the many incompatible people. Dating sucks, so why are we wasting time trying to “negatively compromise” instead of just moving on and trying the next person. Instead of juggling 50 at a time, shoot like an arrow, 1 at a time, your all, until you find it. No complication, confusion, and your intro story can be much different. Why? Because what if we all approached dating like talking, telling our day, including ups and downs, day by day to person by person. Living in that moment and not worrying about living vicariously through their Facebook history.
Compromise is a beautiful thing we done by the actual definition, but do it by the socially accepted viewpoint and it has a tendency to break you down.