This is part of the ongoing series called “OOMT


Setup: I post specifically on my profile “I have cats” I only have one left but I keep it as multiple because my cats are little whores and just wanna be all up in your shit. So obviously if you are allergic to cats, the part where it says “I have cats, DON’T BE ALLERGIC TO CATS” is probably where you should move on. But alas… we have “18 minute girl”.

18MG comes over to my place after a few dates and we are sitting in my living room having some wine. My cat smelling a new human and being the whore she is decides to go full on head butt mode, ya know the adorable cute thing dogs do when they want your attention? The same dogs that this girl wrote about loving in her profile (cause I read)… And I am like woohooo my cat approves of her!

OOMT: Oh but no, she irrationally starts to freak out, like little whiny noises, her eyes start darting around the room, and she takes all of her limbs and puts them on top of my chair to be off the floor away from the cat as much as possible. My tiny little adorable cat that seconds before was laying on my lap being adorable. I am like, “‘”are you ok?” To which I get, “I am allergic to cats!” and I am like oh, well didn’t you read my profile? I told ya I had cats even in our conversations I talked about them. To which she says, “Yes but I didn’t think I would come over much.” ….. right… I am not sure what to do but before I can do anything she literally shreaks as my cat tries to get on her lap. I immediately grab my cat away and ask what is wrong? Are you seriously allergic, is that why you just screamed? Should we leave? Now I am concerned for her. She says, “Cat’s scare the shit out of me.” Oh boy, now I am more intrigued than anything.


Rubbing my cat on my lap like Dr. Claw from an episode of Inspector Gadget, I am sitting there wondering how the hell someone can be scared of a cat. I inquire more and get some half assed story of a cat that licked her while she was sleeping as a kid or some innocent thing that scarred her for life… So I am observant, I noticed that she hasn’t itched or worried about the cat hair from the chair she sat in since we got there and inquire more about her “allergies”. To which she sticks to being allergic but backs it up with, well I sneeze from hair sometimes. Not, actual “allergies” but the way she said it was literally like saying, sometimes I yawn therefore I must have a narcolepsy.

So I now get a chance to ask if I should put her in the other room so she isn’t scared anymore… she kinda nods. As I am closing the door, and am asking her how she thought we would be able to have a relationship if she knew I had a cat and she was “allergic”/scared shitless of them(besides the fact that she didn’t think she would come over that much… to which obviously I sarcastically responded with, well what happens if we got serious and we moved in together.. eventually you would live with my cat), the following words ring out from her mouth and I will never forget them.

“But if we got to that point, I figured you could just give the cat to the vet.” My jaw drops. I let her continue as I am not sure if I heard properly. I think I mutter something like, “but, uhm.. they would put my cat down, why the vet, why not adoption etc” maybe this was all flying through my head and not out loud I forget. She continues “I mean so what, it’s a cat. It’s not like it is a dog.”

My brain arranges itself very quickly and I immediately respond “I have known my cat for 18 years and you have been in my house for 18 minutes, who the fuck do you think is going to win here? Are you fucking kidding me? You have to be fucking with me right now.”

She dead panned, dead faced, in all seriousness, looks me in the eyes and says, “No. I am not a cat.”

And thus ends the adventure with and why she shall always remain in my mind, 18 minute girl.