I just watched the movie numb. It was a combination of cheesey romance with some very close to home plot lines. One was the idea of rectifying things with family members. It was amazing to see the character have the same need for a simple acknowledgment of things that had happened when he was a kid, with his mom. I think personally this was very true because we don’t need to dwell on the past but it is nice to know there is the joint acknowledgment that it was not the right thing to do. Often parents will say “is that what you wanted me to say” in a way where usually you would be guilted to saying no, but this time in the movie and before in MY life I have said yes.

I have been through those times where I had to go back to everyone in my family to try to find solace for myself in my life. I had to dig through shitty times and bring up things you don’t want to talk about. And what did it ultimately fix? probably not too much, but amazingly enough it laid the ground work to 3 years later bring it up again and actually get something out of it.

Another very noticeable moment was that a lot of his life altering mind shit happened when he smoked pot. While his associative disorder was there already the pot brought it to the surface. I often feel I did the same thing with my panic attacks. It was actually really scary when it happened and without knowing I had panic attacks my entire life I thought I may have broke myself after that one night. It turns out when I really looked back after really getting panic attacks for the first time, I was getting them my whole life, i was just unaware of what caused it or what it was. There was soo much thaty contributed(aspartame in diet soda, brand new diet, my body changes, being on my own etc etc) to my panic attacks finally surfacing that i know it wasn’t just one night of pot, but it was always in the back of my head. A panic attack to me is often associated with nausea, so feeling sick non stop for a few months later was quite the adventure, and even if the pot didn’t trigger it I often think it helped to get it to the surface.

Recently I have been researching Salvia. I wonder what effect it would have on me since my mind seems to be very impressionable when it comes to that. I often wonder if smoking pot again or losing control of myself in that altered reality that Salvia can produce may fix things or let me expand creatively. I used to smoke pot to chill my brain out. My mind is always going a million miles a minute and smoking here and there used to give it a break, now that is gone.

While I don’t have what he has in this movie I have often found myself unable to explain taking a medication or going through these things to others who haven’t had it or something in that area of shit. It is as if you are looked at differently or down upon for not having your shit together. I was always against drugs but I had to take some to get from day to day when the panic got bad, and all it did was equalize me not change me or make me tired or drugged. When you have a chemical in your head working against you putting on in to fight it makes it better. yes if you take this drug without the bad shit in you you are liable to fall asleep.

It is also amusing that this guy lived in LA and would fly back to his roots. To me the move to California was definitely and still remains to be one of the most challenging parts of my life. When you see a movie trailer for chihuahua’s you don’t realize if you live on the east coast that that shit is AIMED at the west coast and speaks very true to the culture. When you live here and realize what it means, it is almost a slap in the face of reality. I am not saying I shouldn’t be grateful for the opportunities out here, but one cannot deny simple truths, that east and west are WAYYY different, and there is some negative connotations toward both from both.

I do know this however, I love the people around me who give me support and love.

Anyway I am wayyy off topic.

I would say check this movie out if you have ever had some sort of mental state that wasn’t normal, check it out if you like a cheesey love story, and also check it out if you like slower movies with pretty solid acting. I enjoy that the director was able to embodies a feeling in the way he did, even if some of the vices(in a bathtub with a washcloth over your head) are a bit cliche.

Because believe it or not, I bet some of these, as cheesy as they are, ring true.

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