I just felt like writing tonight. I am not sure what I will write about.. hmm dammit a Christmas song just came on on my playlist. Don’t you hate when you are listening to music and a Christmas song you actually like comes on and you are now faced with the decision.. DO I LISTEN or DO I NOT due to it not being Christmas.. ahh decisions decisions. Well at least it provided me a way to get started with the writing here. To read more click the little thing below this:

So life has been interesting lately. Sometimes you get angry, sometimes you are happy, sometimes you are sick.. I watch a movie and someone says, the life I am in now is not what I planned for myself by far, but I don’t regret too much about that.. Then I think hmm I am going to die one day.. A whole topic of fun right there lol, so what is it that makes our lives the way they should be. Is it ingrained in our heads that if we fall into COMFORT with what we do that we have not accomplished our goals, but if we strive and fail at our goals we tried but still failed, and then the only way to succeed is to achieve your 18 year old dream as you are trying to figure out what a decision is?

Part of me wants to move to a small town in the middle of nowhere and have the simple life where I work my job as a quicky mart attendant and the town has 15 people. I have my dog and my house to work on and life is simple.

Then another wants to be in the city pushing every boundary there is until I have achieved the American dream of fame and fortune.

Then there is my current life which I have to look at now and say, wow not going too shabby.. but wait.. there was something I fell in love with that made me come to this point, I think I will play it through, but shit kick me in the ass here and there so I continue to push myself. I don’t want that comfort zone yet, because as we are raised in the society if we feel comfort we are not striving. And I guess part of me agrees in the fact that I will never be happy with fitting a mold. My own downfall at times. I spend many days alone due to it and me and my brain have had many talks and conversations about it. I have even in the last few years pushed my brain to a state of hypocondriacness (I made it a word) because maybe, sometimes, you can’t just talk to yourself. But then again maybe I just need to pick my words better so not to upset myself. =)

Whenever I examine my life I think back to when I directed. I never felt so alive as to when I was able to shape a theatre production into a magical moment for people to enjoy. I remember sitting on the sideline opening night having a panic attack because I had never NOT been ON the stage and I had no way to vent the anxiety I felt. But it was riveting and energizing. It was also a stray from the path I had assumed I would take right out of college. But ya know what I do not regret in anyway where I am or what I have decided to do now. It is just different.

I think a huge part of my life needs to be able to surround myself with people who really help me push my brain and in return I’ll push theirs. Back on the East Coast I had a select group like that, but I also tended to do the friends for a month I disappear for 2 thing, which I still do. I don’t think I will change in this regards but it is interesting to see how people react. I did meet an interesting person through an old pre-school friend I have little recollection of who I enjoyed having some pretty fun conversations with, but I think all good things came to an end when it was assumed that the conversation was flirtatious rather than just enjoying the ability to banter in an intellectual yet down to earth manner or more so an off the charts manner. A good conversation is hard to have, it takes thought. A good conversation does not derive from a giant vocabulary at all times, but rather the ability to portray an idea logically and with a certain meaning to those to whom you talk to. If you use a baby word rather than an obscure vernacular it doesn’t take away from the conversation at all if you gauge how the conversation is going. I find it a bit disconcerting when a conversation is taken to an intellectual level when un-needed, it is beautiful to listen to, but I grew up learning people, learning how to get along in the ghetto, or in a theatre, or in Harlem, or on the Upper West Side, or in Brooklyn, or in New jersey.. meaning I like to adapt to a situation but be able to still give myself in every possible way.

I used to fight with an old girlfriend because she would get mad when we went out in public. Not that it was really because of the way I acted but the way I entertained. I LOVE to play off of other people’s personalities. I love to interact with people in ways that may be different to them so they can smile. I love to make people laugh.

And on that note I think I will stop my little rant for the day. Hope it was not too convoluted.

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