Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Month: July 2008

Multi Task Me.

Reading a book is stimulating and it has things like structure and grammar etc. However a book seems like a comfort.

A book is something that has an ending, a preconceived idea. It has a direction and follows it, or intentionally breaks it for drama comedy or action.

A book caters to the idea of needing that closure or that happy ending regardless of happy or sad that say a movie does.

But a txt message or an email or a conversation… Those are the tough ones. They may not have the best grammar, or even a complete though, but looking and reading them and actually hearing them determine the next chapter.

Every phrase I say fits into this story I conceptualize when I wake up, when I sleep at night, etc.

Why is it so hard to see bigger than the sentence or lines or script I have made for myself day by day.

I just want you(meaning anyone) to read past the lines, I am not a dead poet but dammit a little analysis never hurt.

You can say write or act out a million things in a day, and it can all happen at once, analysis, your heart, feelings, future conversations, past thoughts. Please don’t try to read me like a book.

I will not fall into your structure nor will I fight against it for no reason. I will loose sight of things like anyone and humble when wrong. I can feel more from seeing your face or hearing your voice or reading a letter you wrote between lunches.

And that is just it, I will and want that feel.

My process to feel may be a bit different but it isn’t closed to the affects.

Multi task me.

A state of Blah

Since I have gotten back from my trip from Paris I have not been able to get a hold of my brain.

From the first night I got back till now I have been in mood swings, semi depressed, random panic attacks, physically tired, and fighting sickness here and there.

Do I know why?

Nope…

Does it suck?

Yep…

But what is strange is when i was driving to work the other day, the signs I show as depressed or self explosive, those signs would probably send up red flags for someone else listening in but when it happens to me, there is a little trigger in my head somewhere that won;t allow me to self destruct as I used to anymore and usually I can pull out of it when the going gets tough and get what i need done done.

It just sucks because I wish I could figure out how to get out of it without having to make things difficult on teh way there.

I do wish there was someone I could talk to that had less pressure than me but understood my pressure while also being able to just be there.

bah I am ranting and almost writing a sob story here or a cry for help but in reality I am writing to figure it out myself. I guess facebook is not the best place but whatever lol.

I need to fix my car windows, I need to sell my car then, then I need to finish a big project at work, I have to work out, I have to go to the doctor for a physical, I have to get a checkup with another doctor, I have to Eat healthy, I have to be active, I have to

don’t wanna write this anymore.

UPDATE:

I think I know a big issue, in Paris I had time to do things I needed to or wanted to do then I came back after so many thoughts, eye openers, and life things that manifested ideas thoughts conclusions answers questions right to crunch and had little to no time for me or my shit I need to get fixed. So even though I may need to wait I am going to start tackling one thing at a time to get things in order.

And I called my daddo, kinda forgot about family help for a second 😛 Thankful that is there for me.

Invincibility

I wonder if it is an American or just a human thing that around 24 and up we realize we are not invincible and the effects of age regardless of amount big or small start to show themselves more.

There are things lately that scare the living shit out of me. While if I were to be dying I think I have come to the conclusion that it is probably not that scary to die since we don’t know exactly what will happen and it is just going to happen eventually, once we are dead, it is just that.

But there are things I hope I can find in life. Love being up there obviously lol. More of a person to share my life with and I need to find someone special to really let in deeper than I have before.

I do get a little freaked out about things in my life I need to fix like smoking, cancer seems like a shitty way to end life early.

Getting in shape in Paris reminded me of how much I enjoy being active and doing stuff, however I swear the next time someone wants to do something fun other than drinking I may crap myself in amazement.

Sometimes when you work a 5 day a week job, you wonder even if it is awesome, how you do things that you used to, like free time for example, time for your brain to let go, or just sitting on your ass for a month lol.

I suppose it all begins to figure itself out, just been thinking a lot lately so there are some random thoughts.

City streets – (Paris Adventure)

Taken from my blog: http://tristanpope.blogspot.com/
Saturday, July 5, 2008

I will desperately miss the idea that I can walk to the corner store like back in NY or sit in my window sill in my tiny apartment but with a warming homey feeling, watching the cities that never sleep, other than the metro here which closes ridiculously early lol.

While I may not party all the time or even drink for that matter (associative drunk works for me) I love to be in a place that is alive.

It is nice to see everyone who drives a manual here because I refuse to drive everything else. It is almost as if here it seems and a lot so in NYC as well that people are on equal ground pushing for the things they love.

I have gotten to a place I love with my job but now i struggle with the idea that the place I am I feel like I have to argue over my beliefs in the littlest thing such as a comedian from the east coast or for someone to use a turn signal or walk a block.

I miss being able to walk the streets that are lit for a city alive with color and life. I remember the wind blowing in my face from the side of a bridge or the stones lit as i walked home briskly noticing only my steps. I can feel my legs getting accustomed to walking long distances again and walking flights of steps with that joy of knowing my place was on the 4th floor walk up.

It is these little things that make me miss NYC and what I will miss in Paris.

I love to walk the street until I find the food that fits my hunger, no driving 100 miles but finding a small portion of chinese food or japanese or subway or anything really just being all in one area and often being very centric to the area and the people living within the miles of radius. Gormet this and that means nothing to me, I’ll show you a hole in the wall that will deliver authentic italian that will make you never eat anything else again.

I miss picking my outfit for the weather and having a style that changed as i grew in the city I lived.

I remember when I didn’t have to wear sneakers to walk 10 miles, but perhaps a nice pair of kenneth koles.

There is a lot I miss and I hope one day I can find them and embrace them in the place I am now.

I often think once I find someone who is and can be called that significant other it will increase the place I live, but finding them will always be a challenge.

To walk to the Eiffel tower or the Brooklyn bridge and kiss in the street with people walking by thinking nothing of it, but with the eyes of the world upon you is not the same in say a beach front in California where it all closes at 12 and the people are easily put into a category of drunk or wanting to get laid. While I do know that is here and there as well I also know there are people going about their daily lives to get home or to catch a bus or train, and that mixture that full feeling of culture is what I miss.

I will visit NYC again to walk the streets and feel my favorite season of fall again, and hopefully I can find either in Orange county or LA or Hollywood a place and some people which I can feel will push me not in my work life but my emotional life and the life I breath day to day. My breath is very consuming and I hope to inhale the world around me as much as possible.

It would be strange to say it feels like sometimes you have the upper hand in an east coast west coast scenario, but in all reality one on the west coast would probably think the same. It is just strange to see a sliver of that idea that perhaps I am not being challenged by my environment enough. My work pushes me daily and it keeps me very strong in my head, and when I was doing my movies and my life on my own on the east coast I believe the environment pushed me the same. Now it is my turn to find the same in both back in California.

I have ended many things in my life because I didn’t feel a challenge or just that need for growth or just plain old chit chat or stimulation. Perhaps I will be on the outside looking in for a bit longer with my life until i find that place where I can take this puzzle and start placing the center pieces of my life rather than just working with the corners.

Time will tell.

Goodnight.

(it was brought up to me and so I will write, I remember when I first moved out here it seemed my job and my life were supposed to be such a mystery for circumstances no need in explaining, that I hindered some of my ability to truly find what I need right away, but as my head decompresses as it has with this trip, but over 2 and half years now in California, I am reminded and recognize where I need to be looking in order to see again, me, you, the world, a sense of happy. I want to bring back some things that I closed off, some of my personality that was lost, and I think and my grace it will be, these trips always tend to rekindle and remind me. So I move forward again and so we will see.)

I always knew – (Paris adventure)

Taken from: http://tristanpope.blogspot.com/

I always told everyone how the culture in Europe was were I left my own and based mine on. This trip has just solidified this idea. I remember telling people I would fit in here, and the things that people may make fun of me for or say are gay or whatever the trendy word is these days all fell into place and worked out like I thought. Sometimes people have an idea of WHAT a place is or HOW it works, but never take the time to spend getting to know what that is, I could visit a million landmarks but I really enjoy talking with the people and from there I have learned much and had done so before I had left, for many years. Sometimes people say things because they are afriad of being humbled by “not knowing” or highschool ideals, but they were just words and I prepared for my trip here and I could not have fallen into place more. While with all things unless you are there you don’t know as much but once here for a little I can tie in the other parts of my life experiences to find the similarities and help form the web of European culture.

While I am not the sappy one who would say my LOVE will be found in Paris, I will say I cannot see a european girl the same as an american or more so a californian one.

It isnt that I am not greatful for the chance to work in California and meet so many wonderful people but the friendships I have made in the past few days are already as strong as those that back home may have taken much longer to form.

For whenever that day comes where I meet someone to spend the rest of my life with, Im am pretty sure I will find it in someone who has an open mind for more life than that of sunny california and really see’s past the basics of MTV and a world covered in ADS.

I wrote something ahwile ago:

As time goes on, the apple rots.(title pending)

Why is it that we find it necessary to carry on multiple relationships rather than taking our time with one. If you are interested in a person, then perhaps you should take the time from your life to enjoy that moment. Why multi task a pleasure filled activity such as human connection. While I understand the American attitude of productivity, I lose it with the idea that life can only give you so many apples at a time. What? Am I crazy? That made no sense. I should be multi tasking more then, taking on 4-10 girls or boys at a time to make sure the clock will continue to tick before I find out I am alone.

That fear is the drive that makes us take those apples and quickly shine them on our shirt, then take a bite. No time to taste, no time to inspect each side, no time to hear the noise as your teeth sink into the tough outer skin and into the soft juicy center, even crunching through the seeds which could give birth to another. Another life, another turn, another moment, another yearn. Your clock has already stopped you are just going to fast to hear the ticking stop. A simple rhyme to make the point, but this whole rant is still a bit disjoint.

Now what if you were to take that apple and eat every bite, but instead of licking your lips and be satisfied with the hunger you have filled… Take a moment, find the seeds, plant them outside, water them until they can blossom. Now as you watch it grow you can decide, “I think I am in the mood for an orange now”, or perhaps now that you can watch this small seed grow into the bright lustrous apple, shinning brightly on the outside and sweetly fragile on the inside, there is no need to change your taste. Some think you must taste it all to fulfill a lifetime, but is it realistic to acquire every taste only to find out the first was the best?

So if you mix a strawberry with a banana, you will taste the strawberry not he banana. If you mix a lemon with a lime you will not know which is sour and which is sweet. So all food aside, why not, instead of rushing to perfection, take a blind, exciting leap. But without your eyes shut, and with sturdy ground ahead, because you know, if the taste is not to your palette, you can always find another treat. Food may rot, and life grow old, but happiness is forever, don’t let go.

A lot of people don’t know I spent much of my childhood in Switzerland Zurich. While at the time I was young and afraid of anything new, I was forced to go out for my own and to really gain some independence. I remember I saw my first pornographic movie in Zurich lol, just flippin through the channels. I didn’t even know what i was watching. I also remember the posters on the walls with naked girls and guys. I remember it being ok. I remember walking in the Love Parade when it was pretty new. It was amazingly freeing.

And I gain all of that again being here now. The idea that things like human body, connections with other people, sharing, having conversations more than just surface level, being able to get past that akward part of a “get to know you” state which happens too much because of all the reservations towards the things above. You take those things out of the picture and you are forced to talk about things that have more meaning.

But more than all of that you give yourself to another person and in turn they give you themselves. If it works you either gain a great friend or a girlfriend, if it doesn’t work you move on and you just know that while it may hurt a bit it is the process to find that thing which you do search for eventually, LOVE.

Tonight I walked around the streets and just enjoyed the city life again that reminded me of my NYC life. While I can say very little in French I can move through the people as if I belonged and not ina need to belong but a sense of normality. And the best part is I doubt I would be conidered normal, more hyper and annoying 😛

Coming from the East coast to a West coast life has been hard for many reasons. One main reason is my life and story was left on the east coast for this new life in the gaming world. One would never think I enjoyed theatre or directed off broadway or even joined a gang at 14. Who would consider me a punk skater type… It is hard to share these things because it sounds like bragging or like me trying to justify. But in reality it is my life and I love to share it. I will give anyone who would like a layer of my life that may seem scary to some because in a wave of madness I can give you many years of my life, but there is so much more I want YOU to pull out of me.

Whenever I visit different places especially Europe this time, I enjoy the different ways of life. And while others may look forward to going home I kind of wish my home were more like this. I struggle with the “california” way of life often. I mean I do have friends and love them dearly but it is hard to get past the fake blonds and bro’s.

Anyway I am ranting and this is supposed to be a blog about my trip lol.

I hope I havn’t lost you too much or made you think my life is so sad or anything like that. I just speak my mind in moments there is a larger picture here and if you are ever interested just ask.

I promise eventually I will post more pictures, I visited Normandy and stepped on the beach my Grandfather stepped on, which was quite moving for me. I called my Grandma from it and was with very supportive friends. I saw the place where joan of arc was burned. I went to Mont St Michele. I visited the Eifle tower today and climbed to the top, but it is hard to upload all these things on wireless so soon enough! 🙂

We have had great adventures.

Ok random though, I absolutely love going down the street and hearing all the cars playing trance music. I love the smell of cities they all smell the same aside from the piss and cars.

And that is all for now.

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