Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Month: January 2008

In a whirlwind of time, my days have become mixed & indiscernible

In a whirlwind of time, my days have become mixed and indiscernible. I sleep light, dreaming deep. I work hard, hardly working(mostly juggling different pieces of work, placing a piece here and there but not feeling accomplished regardless of the truth in it), and I withdraw from addictions closer than perceived. But even with this strange vortex of time itself, I have been surrounded by quite the motions forward in my life. The scale numbers remain the same, they do not frighten me. The roof over my head is ready to change but we wait to sign the papers. A new associate I have met, we play off each other well looking to find a common roof. But this is not what I came here to write about. I came here to write about a sensation, a feeling, a new place with a familiar feel.

I have often written about the thoughtless highschool nights where you could kiss for an eternity and that would suffice, or a time of innocence helping to make a simpler life. This weekend told it to be true. I experienced my old life again. Not exactly as you may assume for a prior experience but with enough hints of it that it seemed comforting.

She is 5’6 black hair green sparkling eyes and fits perfect in my arms. My car ride began with a new CD I burned, Journey blasting loud. A bumpy ride indeed it was there, my knuckles white on the road as I raced to find her place. Valleys rose, skylines dropped as I fell into a valley, a wonder on the eyes. Somewhere you could live in peace almost every day, if it weren’t for the American dreams and the feeling of need to be in clumps of smog and cluster fucks of people trains and cars, I would head out that way. But the beauty of the surroundings were only an accent to the she who walked to greet me.
She took me in her arms and we stood for quite a few separate moments just enjoying each other’s touch. I met her sisters, mother, and live stock. Ok well 2 cats 4 dogs well maybe 3 dogs and a rat like creature but it was cute non the less.

As I sat in her house, I felt very much at home. This place reminded me of my home back on the east coast, the smells of food reminded me of that of mine, and the people around me reminded me of people I had seen, known..

I can’t help but relate the moment to Keeping Up with the Kardashians, although far from this family, the overall feel was quite similar with all the sibling sisters, the feeling of shared personal life throughout the house, and just a general relaxed feel about life. It was not so over the top as the show, but the idea that I was being allowed to take part in this made me excited. (I didn’t feel like the estranged b/f sitting there with nothing better to do, I still worried about work the next day lol)

So the “normalality” of a first date ensued as we found ourselves face to face many many times awkwardly wanting to kiss but waiting for the faultless moment to perfect it. We ate a dinner in candle light, we drove to music, her hand on mine as I shifted through the night. We found ourselves watching a movie and the moment came, a button hit, movie paused, and the flood gates were released. One kiss turned into a thousand.

We finished the movie with many interruptions from our lips. Anxious for it to end as well to just continue staring into each other’s eyes.

It was nice, I could feel the way she felt. I was in her mind for the briefest of moments here and there but those moments opened up so much more. She allowed me to snuggle into her body and I relived a childhood tv show I fell in love with, where the boy snuggled into his g/f on a boat, and for some reason it brings me much ease.

So the clock was around 11 when the mother stepped in and told us to go to the couch downstairs. At first it was akward but overall it was an amazing crutch at 24 and 21. It brought me back to the days of being in higschool but it had an extra layer of nervousness on it. At this age you want to make a good impression so I was now feeling excited, scared, nervous, and curious. She still pulled me close and kissed me, and I still kissed her back, but a crick in the floor made me wince or pull away from the moment of being lost in a kiss. We kissed for about 4 hours straight, Will Smith and the Fresh Prince lighting up the night.

I felt sometimes I may have felt fake or distant but it was just me trying to balance kissing in front of the mom and keeping it polite and respectful. I have no problem with PDA but I felt like sometimes it just wouldn’t work at that time. I felt bad if I pulled away or turned my head to watch crappy movies, but I think she knows why.

BUT I must stress, the 4 or 5 hours of straight kissing were quite the best. Sometimes we would get carried away but her broken arm acted as a chaperone for our hormones. It was rather poetic 😛
I am still getting to know the family of hers, and while this may have been the first date I would not have had it any other way. I love to meet families because of the Italian blood coursing through me. I love to taste the food of those who claim they can cook, and I love to enjoy it when they say I will.
I always find it interesting when a family is calmer than mine but is much like mine. My family has always been very New York, but I tell you I have always been interested in the opposite approach to my kind of family and this is much like what I think it would be.

So next time I will drag her to my corner of the world. As much as the barrier of a house between us as we slept read overly true to what I wrote, her arms around me as I sleep would have been just as good.
The first date should always go like this, it kept me on my toes, a little bit of stress but nothing that wasn’t too much. If anything I was afraid to overstay my welcome being a new face in a very established household.

We have a lot to look forward to for date 2 and 3. So let it be let it be.
I do want to mention the movie moment we had on the way out the door. I went to drive off and as I turned on my car as she pushed her head in to kiss me goodbye, my Lionel Richie “hello” came on and I swear it was just priceless the laughter that ensued and even in his strange glow we kissed anyway.
As I write this I am extremely calm and composed but I also feel I am losing the grasp of the piece here so I end it now. I will talk more about it with people close to me, I feel my words may make more sense out of my mouth than on paper now.

And so I leave a date and stamp: Sunday, January 13, 2008

Life is often a rush to the finish. But for now I am calm.

Life is often a rush to the finish.

It seems strange that with no finish in sight or no knowledge of that finish we still strive to get there.

I feel some points in my life have been rushed. I moved out first year of college and never looked back. I moved directly into an apartment rather than experiencing dorm life.

I then moved back home for half a year before I jumped into my current job. That part always strikes me strange, as much as moving back home was like a way to catch up on those summers I missed with my mom and dad, spent in my NYC apartment, it was more of a simple knowledge that I still liked my freedom and probably wouldn’t want to have done it differently.

But when I went into my job it made less sense. When you graduate college it seems you are immediately expected to look for jobs and jump into life. But sometimes I wonder if we are ready to jump into life. Because of the knowledge that a job is mandatory and it is accepted as an accomplishment if you are “working” after college be it a job of love or a job for money, it is easier to get lost in the race to achieve rather than to stand back and instigate.

I find myself in moments of clarity here and there, this being an extreme one. I could compare it to vicodin as my senses are acute yet blunt objects, the sharpness taken away so not to cut but to still allow force to be taken. An experience this weekend allowed my brain to release something or another that has let me have a little bit of time just to sit in my chair and hear the sounds around me, put my leg up on an arm of the chair and just sit, picturing where I am.

I strive to have more moments like this. To live my life calm. To feel a control over my next move, not from power but from comfort. I strive to push myself every day, but I strive to find a way to do so in which I am breathing and feeling. I think I am in the right direction, and hopefully this blog entry will keep it in my head when I forget.

Oh yeah did I mention day 10?

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