I hope you don’t know what you want! I mean, that would be fucking terrible. The worst thing in this world is to meet someone who knows what they love, follows their passions, and has an intense personality about it. This comes second only to “googling it” in person and using hashtags in your vernacular…
When did we decide it was a bad idea to think about the future? Why is it such a faux pas to imagine what your possible kids will look like or how a person will be as the mother of your possible children? Am I the only one who thinks of these things within minutes of meeting someone? I am not applying it to the person to put into effect right away, but of course it is natural to think of these things. It is kinda biology. These fleeting thoughts are important and very subconscious in how they are controlled, but most people seem to be afraid of them. Society has put a stigma on it if by accident you slip and say something about the future too quick. You are then categorized as overbearing or clingy. But it isn’t meant that way. I think there is a bit inside all of us that has envy over those who exude a sense of “self purpose”. The people who knew what they wanted to do with their lives since they were in middle school usually get scoffed at. I think it stems from jealousy of not always being in the same boat. Personally I bounce around from many passions, but I am aware of what those are and I am also aware of passions I should not pursue, because quite honestly I don’t have the skills for them. So if applied to dating, if you were to say, “Oh man my Mom would love you” oh the repercussions… I don’t know when we started looking at one another as if one sentence is the summation of an entire whole of who we are, but it is crap.
The brain does not generate distinct “thoughts,” so it is impossible to calculate how many thoughts the brain has per second. In addition, there are a number of subconscious processes that occur in the brain at all times. The stream of thinking people seem to hear in their brains is only part of what the brain is doing at any one time, and inhibitory processes prevent people from being conscious of all of these thoughts. The human brain is always active.
A dating profile or online dating “resume” as I like to call it, can never summate the stuff in your head. I want to find someone who understands the idea of discussion. The idea that if I say something, I don’t have to dive into the ditch I just dug, but be able to continue the conversation to other parts of the plot to see if there is another hole we can fall into together.
We prefer to open up with questions that are shallow, but have a proven record of working.
“Did you get into any trouble last weekend?”
“Have any trouble planned for this weekend?”
This is how we open. Our first encounter is based on a very general idea of sparking conversation but we do it in a way that is trivial. “So how did you and X meet” Oh well I asked her what kinda trouble she was getting into and she told me “lots”. Then we got a drink and boned… wow…
I am a bit old school when I think about it in terms of asking someone to be my girlfriend or date, I believe since we only get one chance to do this with someone, it should be memorable. I like to let things happen organically, but I also like the grand gestures as well.
I have thought about how it might be to have someone to come home to, wake up to, bring home on holidays, get an animal with, own a house with, marry, kiss, fuck, cuddle, and everything in between since I was young. So I don’t think getting older is making me want the answers any quicker nor has it changed when I think of them. But they still happen when my brain decides to think of them.
If I feel a connection with someone, my brain goes off to many different places. If I happen to slip an actually feeling here or there, it should be cute, not creepy. The difference between me and the thought process is that I know, because I am not an idiot, that I don’t expect these bigger picture things right off the bat, I know I don’t know you that well yet, and I know they are just natural emotions to have, but I am not afraid of them, because if, after we get to know one another, it is working, I can’t wait to experience them with you.
We have 90% control over how we perceive things and how we deal with them. For some reason we have decided that these fleeting thoughts, these tiny moments in a bigger conversation, and these things that might make us feel a little bit uneasy, are deal breakers. Instead perhaps we should embrace conversation and reflection, allowing us to truly open ourselves up to the person in front of us, letting us know if we actually want to follow through on the “warm fuzzy puppy dog” feelings down the road, instead of hiding them and pretending to be in a position of “power”. The power balance in a relationship is important, but the power balance when you first meet is even more. If you don’t allow yourself to lose a little control, you are wasting time in a life not filled with that much of it. I believe in the idea of allowing things to be wrong, in order to correct them or talk them out. I believe in the idea of telling how I am that day when asked, even if I am shitty. In the end, that is who I am, and in the larger scheme that is how you get to know someone. One day at a time, one moment at a time, one thought, one emotion, one date at a time. Because at the end of the day, when we just met I don’t already love you and I probably don’t even miss you.