Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Tag: romance (Page 3 of 4)

Are we all that important to one another?

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Have you ever waited for the phone to ring? Have you ever just waited in general, even if you didn’t know the person more than a conversation or a glance, for the next time you could be in the same place at the same time. Where your brains both focused on each other and the words flowed from inspiration instilled by the other person.

I and any of my ex girlfriends will tell you I will not jump into “girlfriend boyfriend” status fast and I expect to know a whole lot about a person before I can see taking that step. It isn’t that I am afraid of a relationship it is that I am one of those rare few who actually thinks the title of girlfriend or boyfriend is important. And if I am going to take that step of commitment to the other person I want to make sure I am invested.

That is where I think I either hit or miss. I treat the dating in the beginning as a different animal. I look to find out as much as possible when I am talking to someone. I want to know that the person on the other end of the phone or in front of my face is able to give me who they are, unabated without the need for a title to open up. This usually ends up poorly for me, because I find that not many people are willing to build their walls from the ground up. They go in with a castle fully defended ready for battle. So by the time my words and personality shine through their wall breaking into who they are, my walls have built up around me to shelter me from the empty feeling I got back. And then it is nearly impossible for me to be myself anymore because I expect my first impressions to continue.

Which I have to say are usually not too off, not in a pretentious way, but in the idea that people usually show their true colors with those walls up, because when you break them down, it just means they are down for you, not the people around them, as well as they have broken down the “relationship walls” so who is to say if they are acting differently to you than a friend or family member. I mean why do we even build “walls” in the first place? What is so scary about being hurt by someone not working out on a relationship level? Shouldn’t we be running head long into these situations so we can have as many as possible to find what we want as quickly as possible. For a cultural need of love it is amazing how many boundaries we put up from letting us get there.

I think of love as a starting point, not the end. When you find love and maybe even marriage you are free of this stigma placed upon you at birth. You FOUND the holy grail, now you have a whole lot more to look forward to with this everlasting life without the need to squander the earth for love. So what will YOU do with eternity.

But I am off topic. What is it that causes that feeling in our stomach when we have an interaction with someone that feels right? What makes us pace back and forth, whether we admit it or not, or whether our life is busy enough to let it be more than a thought here or there? I think we all get it. I think we also have a tendency to try to make it go away so we don’t seem desperate or anxious. We all want to be “Cool”. But isn’t it cool to know that someone else is intriguing to you and you them. Shouldn’t we share those moments?

It reminds me of how I meet people I have dated or how I ask someone to the next step of a relationship. It has always been something very memorable. Not because I MUST have it as a special moment but because I am inspired to think about the time ahead of us as important and want to be able to perhaps one day look back on it and remember. A Polaroid in time. Something you flip through a scrap book when you are older and just you know the feeling it held for you. I don’t want to tell my kids, me and mommy met at a bar, and I was doing jello shots off her curves… I want it to be special to me and her. So I listen, I absorb, and trust me, we all have something that means something to us, as menial as it may be that makes for that perfect moment.

It is like the idea of digital cameras these days. They are so easily accessible that we often carry them and do not use them. Back in the days of my parents, to take a video it was a big ToDo, lights, microphones, heavy equipment and expensive film. So when Grandpa or dad busted out the camera as much as you may object you did it anyway because it was special.

And god those videos have emotion and raw truth to them. Because no one said, PUT THAT AWAY, or if they did it was shrugged off as funny.

I want to find someone in my life that agrees with the idea that a camera should be passed from hand to hand snapping times of life together. Not just a way to grab a point smile click shot, but a mini photo shoot in the middle of the street on the way to work. Where both people on each end of the camera can look back later and see who THEY were.

I want to be able to riffle through a box of old Polaroids with someone and show my kids how old I really am :)

And I am off topic again.

I enjoy those moments when I sit antsy waiting for the next encounter where I can talk to someone that made an impression. I don’t expect anything more than a conversation. I guess I want to say I break the mold of “OMG I need to be with you, that is why I have butterflies until our next talk”. I just want to be able to share with someone who seems to be able to understand my musings and theirs inspire mine to keep going.

It seems to me that showing interest in someone or admitting to the feeling of butterflies defies your true intentions. It is as if you just gave the person an arrow for the bow they had strung. And dagnammit(yes I said that) they are gonna fire quickly. Why would they fire? Because you have just given them the advantage. They now control the situation because either they can agree they enjoy the time with you and even the playing field or shoot it as fast as possible to quell all odds of the dice roll when meeting someone. Just because I am interested in someone doesn’t mean we are good for each other. I base that first feeling on just that a feeling, an impression, an aura of their person. That doesn’t mean I know ANYTHING about them. But it does mean I want to find out. I want to be able to have that open conversation over and over where each time when we stop talking I feel more nervous stomach feelings, because it is working out. To get to the point where I would pursue someone, I need to at least have them open up and spend time with me and I with them. All I can say in the beginning is, wow you make me feel good. And that is good enough for me. But why should I hide it in a cat and mouse game? I won’t and I will dig my grave with many people this way, but I will not give up on the idea that eventually someone will be interested in kissing at the beginning of a date just to see if that chemistry is there instead of spending too much time of a small life guessing. At the same time there needs to be a balance rope of those moments and where you wait for the phone to ring.

I loved what my stepmother once said, where when I find the person I am meant to be with, it will be explosive, because after all this thought and all these ideas, if the other person has had half these thoughts too, the conversation should be freakin’ fireworks.

We do not need to assume everything about a person’s intentions if we are just living to share. There is no reason to be afraid of a conversation, because it may lead to happiness and if it doesn’t work out the way of “love” then we had a great conversation and that conversation helped to build us as people.

We are all so important to one another. The people we come across, the music we listen to, the moments we have, they are forever. As much as we may push forward to further careers, or to just enhance our daily lives with shit not boring, at the end of the day, the people around us are the real important part. They are what help us to be who we are, because we have something else to base our existence on. A movie I just watched said “The bravest people are those who are not afraid to stay still”.

This is a new idea to me. I am one of those people who wishes for the simpler life but knows I would need something to give me that monumental feeling of completeness in my mind to be able to stop pushing forward to enjoy that kind of life.

To go out into the woods and camp out on the hood of a car or sit in the sweltering heat with a person that makes me feel good that the sweat and the bugs are not a bother but a feeling. Side by side, staring blankly upward, but there together. No topic too small or big. I guess to find someone that understands when to be silent and when to chat nonstop would be nice. When to just BE in the moment and when to search for it.

I often reference Alabama type shit for those “moments” because I find they are the most relatable through pop culture or movies but I am a city boy at heart and I find the romance in a city to be truly amazing. The sidewalks, the graffiti, the random tree here or there, the parks, the busy streets filled with people, the food at 4 am. These all are places I picture adventures as well.

How I will find it, life still hasn’t told me. So it should be a fun ride.

Oh and the next person to say “FML”, I’m going to send you anthrax.

(FACEBOOK COMMENTS)

 

Jennifer Owings

Its nice to hear you voice the vulnerabilities that I often feel in a new relationship. I think I often try to convince myself that men are selfish creatures and have no empathy for the things that “women go through” at the start of something new. Thanks for reminding me that it can be just as difficult for the other person : ).
June 21, 2009 at 10:08pm ·

 

Jennifer Smith

The older you get, the harder it is to find someone who is willing to be uninhibited by their feelings… because with age comes more opportunities to be hurt, and thusly more fear of new relationships of “potential pain.”

[I had a long blurb here that I decided to delete on my thoughts. lol]

And, bro, you know I can hook you up with some spores! Benefit of living with someone in the microbial industry… haha

June 21, 2009 at 10:17pm ·

 

Tristan G Pope

I think additionally and I can’t find a place for it so I will write it here, it is like drinking on a holiday till your face falls off or HAVING to have the perfect birthday experience. We put so much pressure or high needs for these days that are marked as special. And if we don’t end up puking or upset the next day we feel like it has been … See MoreFOREVER since we felt this way. What is wrong with the idea of, hey I wanna plaster my brain against a wall and hold onto a toilet tonight and JUST DOING IT that night, no need for a “Holiday”. Or why instead of planning the world for a birthday, you plan to relax and have those around you that are important. And play it by ear. Somehow this applies, setting the bar yadda yadda to what i just wrote… but like I said… dunno where so here is the comment.
June 21, 2009 at 10:20pm ·

 

Tristan G Pope

“The older you get, the harder it is to find someone who is willing to be uninhibited by their feelings… because with age comes more opportunities to be hurt, and thusly more fear of new relationships of “potential pain.” And with the best intentions of the word, FUCK THAT. I am not saying don’t go with feelings, it is the idea of HURT… I mean… See More come on… life is too short to be HURT because Jimmy on the playground didn’t like you. Joey right next to him thought you were hot too. He just saw Jimmy get to ya first and so are you gonna let Jimmy through his asshole-ness ruin your chances with Joey. Hell no! I mean if I said, you can have a million dollars but only if you run up that hill in 3 minutes. WOULD YOU NOT RUN YOUR ASS OFF?!? Why should this differ in relationships. You could SPRAIN your ankle or not make it in 3 minutes which is pain on all levels, but you would be damned if you didn’t try. So for something so “SOUGHT after” as “Love” why wouldn’t you give it the same effor
June 21, 2009 at 10:24pm ·

 

Jennifer Smith

Sometimes, people are just broken… I think it’s beneficial to meet someone as a new friend first, rather than as a potential partner. It removes the expectations of behaving in a “relationshippy” way– whether we like it or not, we are all programmed to behave in certain roles. Meeting someone with the intention to date automatically puts us … See Moreinto our “best face” zone.

If you want to find a “real” girl who is just herself all the time with you, meet someone to be your close comrade first… and then, once you know her inside and outside (figuratively, of course), it’s the right time to take it to a romantic level.

There is an ideal way of how things *should* be, and then human nature comes in and throws a curve ball… lol

June 21, 2009 at 10:29pm ·

 

Tristan G Pope

Whilst (yup said whilst, btw that’s my new thing poiting out weird words I say) I agree friendship is super important I think you just summed up part of what I am talking about with the idea that there is a “WAY” for these things to play out. I treat you the same way I treat my mother, the same way I treat my friends etc etc. Whilst (hehe) there … See Moreare things that differ a little there is a core there that never changes. If you got me at the right moment I would tell you just as much as I would tell me dad who I have known my whole life. We never know how it will happen for that “special moment” where it all just plays out. The healthy thing is to try to just go with gut feelings at first and then quickly after dig deeper me thinks. I could be wrong :)
June 21, 2009 at 10:39pm ·

 

Alexander Brazie

This was an awesome discussion. Could use a great deal more vodka, though. Who’s down!?
June 21, 2009 at 11:01pm ·

 

Gina Pope Moore

Oy vey, haven’t thought seriously about this topic in years. Only partially tongue in cheek I’ll say (with authority since I am 46) that the pool of compatible mates becomes smaller as you age, thus increasing the difficulty of finding one. And yes, sometimes people are just broken. Then there are so many others who, for lack of a better term, … See Moreexhibit a strong prey drive, people who truly relish the game of cat and mouse you mentioned. I’d guess by varying degrees this is the norm, since we are animals and that’s how your basic animal is wired. However, there’s still a healthy percentage of people out there who are capable of being vulnerable and real, people who aren’t like hermit crabs moving into bigger and bigger castles with walls around them. And trite but true, sooner or later, they usually find each other.
June 22, 2009 at 3:12am ·

 

Gina Pope Moore

Jeez, that paragraph doesn’t hardly touch what I’d intended to say. So here goes just a little more: those folks who are busy wall builders, I would say that some of them can adapt and learn to be less guarded. I’ve seen it happen with several friends, and to an extent, to myself.

Also seems that time/age condenses what’s important to a … See Moreperson, so as you age, the things that matter to you most will take center stage, such things as a relationship which involves integrity and trust, compatibility, no cat and mouse crap. That famous Velveteen Rabbit quote just came to mind.

Also, I’m going to hang on to that movie quote.

June 22, 2009 at 3:29am ·

 

Tristan G Pope

I think in many regards we get broken in different ways from past relationships gone wrong. We often are looking out for those things that pissed us off about other relations and when the new person does the opposite we notice it in more light than it should be. And those broken parts often make other features in people bigger and grander than they… See More should be. Making you miss the other parts that don’t work lending itself to you getting broken again.

So I suppose it takes the right tool to fix it all and be able to put all the nuts and bolts back in tightly so you can be yourself again. And that is the hard part.

June 22, 2009 at 10:31am ·

Stronger together is not being weaker alone.

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Admitting you need to humble yourself is hard. Even if you can do it, it is still scary and takes effort. This is one of those moments, to admit, I need someone else in my life.

I often wonder why people think they are stronger on their own. While I myself do feel strong in my own right and enjoy doing things myself, I often feel if I were to be able to find the right person to bring into my life and me theirs, I would be stronger not in my own person persay, but in the joint lives of us together. being me, but part of the whole.

I won’t lose who I am, and if I do the relationship is probably not working, or perhaps it worked really well and opened me up to a new way I wanted to go, but the key word is want. Even if you do not act differently with your loved one what you have with them vs what you have with yourself will always be different. Because no one is you BUT you, I always try to give what I can as much as I can of WHO I am so they can better assess a situation in which I may come to them or they come to me or even just KNOWING so they don’t have to do anything, which will bring comfort.

I mean obviously we all have our relationships where the relationship takes over all thoughts, pushes our lives to the side, and we want more than anything to Just think about the relationship itself. But because it is with another person we are allowing into our lives I think we are more judgmental on it than if we got really wrapped up in our jobs that make us money, or a video game that brings us simple pleasures.

I suppose I always question and wait for a legitimate or better yet an answer that rings true to me to answer the idea of “i prefer to be alone” when just like a cat or a small child, we all at the core value of ourselves yearn to be held and yearn to be with the comfort of others, for survival and “love”.

I have summed up a lot of what I think is a stigma for why people “say” they prefer their strength alone. Others opinions or jealousy’s. But what if that person was not clashing in those regards, wouldn’t it allow you to be strong still?

The key to this is we are so scared of not having success that we pass by the success of a relationship that could potential lift our whole selves to become more successful biologically 🙂

I watched 500 days of Summer and intently waited for the ending because I hoped this author finally had an answer to why people say, “I don’t want a label..” or “I prefer it casual” I wanted to see why this backfires.. and (spoiler) what it turned out to be, was not philosophical but the simple idea of, I date multiple people and those who I don’t think I see IN my life further than tomorrow are just that, casual, and those who might be get more of who I am and a bigger chunk of me. The character split herself between two or more people never really committing fully to one or the other but finally when she decided without the others knowing they existed who she felt fit into HER plan the most, the rest were left heart broken and unable to understand what just went on, because the emotion and love and sex, was just a filler for her to get her shit in order.

I still want to tackle that idea more and definitely want to get more opinions on it to. Anywhoo.

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Say something, I’m giving up on you. Anywhere, I, would have followed you.

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“Say something, I’m giving up on you. Anywhere, I, would have followed you.”

(Link to song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds )

This song really resonated with me earlier this year, err last year? I realized that I am incredibly susceptible to silence. Not the silence that makes sense because you have established a relationship, a knowledge of one another, or something that resembles a long term relationship understanding. I am not talking about silence needed to give space and room to your significant others or friends. I am talking about knowing enough about someone to know there is a whirlwind of emotion and trouble going on where you just wish you were “just a friend”, because of the idea that a title such as boyfriend or significant other or dating has literally hindered any further ability to communicate freely, cry openly, bitch and moan without worry. The idea of making the other person happy, is fulfilled by actually including them into your darkest moments. Feeling that even if they need space that you are someone who can help to achieve it. Feeling as though there wasn’t enough groundwork laid for a complete shut out of words to be a way that we could, together, work through the world ahead of us. Being able to give space and time I can do, and I am so willing to, but how can that happen when there isn’t a baseline of… well.. reciprocated love?

I often speak of European culture and the difference between American culture of “How are you”. The difference between a response of “NM, You?” and an actual representation of how they are regardless of good or bad. We shared that together. You comforted me with your life, your experience, your acceptance. But it all turned to shit and sorrys became more prevalent than actions to show you actually believed what you lived, experienced, and shared with me. 

In this case I felt as though if it wasn’t good, I wasn’t privy. I read into astrological signs a bit and find them interesting to say the least and I find myself a Leo in the sense that I need positive reinforcement for the little things. I need the other person to be open to letting it all hang out with me or I tend to think they are not interested or have anything interesting to offer. I think this also has to do with how I was brought up, I looked to avoid clashes, yelling, and all sorts of unnecessary drama by reading the signs prior to the explosion, trying to cut off the head of the dragon before it blew fire. So I feel cheated when I am stuck in a dark room without any idea of what to expect next, when the other person isn’t an enemy, a righteous boss, a confused parent, but my lover. The person I want to share myself with beyond love. 

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH…

Every one of my last relationships has ended because “love” was enough for them. “Love” is the beginning of opening up the rest of your life. It lifts the weight of trying to find the unattainable life goal so you can do other things magical with the love, the person you have found, and your life in general. So why stay in a relationship defined by hopelessness, I am not a hopeless romantic, I am hopeful. Should you be “waiting” for the perfect moment? Is it like where you love your job but don’t know if it is where you want to be till the end, so you stick it out waiting to see what will  happen in a few years time that may push you closer, further, or to a similar path? So should you be waiting or should you be fixing, actively, or is the waiting, part of the fixing. There is no black and white to any of this shit. It is what works for you or what pushes your brain to the edge of insanity allowing you to evolve to the place you need to be. 

I see so much about a person I am intimate with through body language, eye contact, and voice inflection, it shows me love, it shows me concern, it shows me their own pain, and in the case where these moments are far and few inbetween, that helps me to sleep better at night. So I sit here trying my best to predict the move before it happens, not knowing if we are even playing chess or checkers. I forget, what it looks like, if they remember how to show me it, if they want to give it or if they are on a completely different timeline than me and just don’t care enough to share it with me anymore. Everything in every bone tells me otherwise when I do get the moment to see those eyes, darkened by pixelated screens and closed down exposures. It gives me hope. But hope for what? I know what I hope for, but can someone hope if there is no one else out there hoping back? Am I sitting in the window singing a song from Fievel only to be met with stars and space. Space which should make the heart grow fonder, but seems to be breaking it apart. Am I singing to nothing? Somewhere, out there, beneath the pale moon light…

Is your life moving on the same timeline as mine?

I swear depending on where you are in life your life moves at different speeds. Ever have a dream and wake up instantly? Ever have a dream that lasted days?But in reality it was still the same time period in terms of a clock time. Now apply that same idea to a job or a year of life. How fast did your week feel? How long did the last few years feel? If I felt like my week sped by and you felt it crawl by does our perception of time actually change how we would see each other? If I said I will talk to you in a week and my week flew by but yours was drawn out, would you feel like I was ignoring you or as if you needed to find someone else to talk to when it felt as though all I thought about was you?

Not knowing is the worst part of it all. Not having closure one way or another. I have written about love and how I have always gone into relationships with my heart of my sleeve and figured hey, if they punch it, oh well, I will bleed a bit and get back out there. So I will not do it any differently here, but this also clashes with what I wrote about love being extremely scary.

Love is scary.

So it is a strange thing to feel this way about another person.

There is so much of the equation you will never know because in the end you are both two different people with different thoughts and minds.

But when it feels right there is something to it that makes you think you can read their mind and them you.

But I think the scariest thing is something that happened recently, watching her put away my laundry, feeling sick, and completely out of it, yet I sat in the bed and watched her. And with everything playing against the situation and an increasingly upset stomach on my end as well, I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to ever have to.

And I think that is where it becomes scary to feel this strongly for someone. When you realize, wow, if they leave, die, or just turn into jerk faces, it is going to hurt.

But I have always gone into relationships with my heart of my sleeve and figured hey, if they punch it, oh well, I will bleed a bit and get back out there. So I will not do it any differently here, but it just feels soo much more intense.

Plus you wonder, does it just happen like this? Have I found that person? It is something we all want but when faced with the reality of it, it is freakin scary.

Instead of thinking a year into the future with random thoughts of “If it works” my brain has already played out 30 years from now. At least I haven’t considered dying next to her yet, although I have considered where I would retire and how that would be. Lol. Dammit so probably like 50 years in the future! BY THE WAY YOU ALL DO IT so don’t deny it lol. It isn’t me sitting in my room contemplating it for hours it is fleeting quick thoughts that flash by as quickly as you blink.

We are still in the moments where we spend a better half of a day in bed just staring at each other and making witty banter. Then we realize our day is gone and we rush to do normal everyday things. But somehow, and I am yet to figure this one out yet, we fit in a WHOLE lot of substance to our conversations and days even if it feels rushed at the end after we sat in bed all day.

Nothing prepares you though for the day you are literally boiling over from the insides to tell someone you love them, it spilling out in a messy tear filled, jerky sounds, and not flattering at all, but being so real that it was nothing short of perfect. But then only able to feel as though those words have changed everything for the worse. Not because of the words, but because of what chain reaction they caused in a very unstable scenario. Turning your love from a gentle amazing moment, perfect in everyway, to the reason the pain and the hurt now exists. Resentment. How do you heal that?

Giving yourself, putting yourself out, and thinking… shit, now I have to wait more or perhaps it is never coming again. You see her in everyone, you hear here in everything, you picture you both doing the littlest of things. You realize life was better as a whole.

But perhaps, even that was just an early facade. Perhaps this is a very clear reflection of that small bit of “crazy” we were not compatible with and ultimately a “deal breaker”. You were told they believed in your words, you were told they agreed with your thoughts, you saw they experienced the culture, you saw they experienced what it was to love, so why was your love and everything you did after not seem to move them to accept it. Why has love become the wall? Why for an immediately open communication, beautiful exchange, and wonderful chemistry has a block formed so thick that you stay awake nights tossing and turning because you just feel as if they can’t let go of something they most likely are over; you. Why do you feel like the only reason you even get a text or call anymore is out of pity and confusion on how to truly end this. Why does it have to be with this person who everyday became more beautiful to you. Why does it have to be with someone who made you feel so much happier. Why does this have to be with someone who you feel could have inspired you to reach new heights of your own ambition and you to them. Why has this turned into the feeling of “fixing” and not “embracing, acknowledging, sharing, and being open”. If I link one more Image or motivational quote that I live by such as “Happiness is not circumstance-dependent.” I will forget who I am trying to convince. I trusted you, it wasn’t just a feeling but an educated expression of what could be, was and might be.

I will always love her. I don’t think that changes. I just think this time, love was not enough for one main reason, time. Time, that ugly mean mother fucker, revealed the truth. But I see her in everyones eyes, I smell her in every breeze, and I sense her personality in every characterized movie. But there is nothing more I can do. I have given my all. I have worn my heart on my sleeve and never thought twice. I have accepted our differences and loved her harder as things became harder. But you can’t love alone. You can’t fight alone. You can’t share to no one. “Maybe if I leave and come back another time” I say to myself. “Maybe if I give the ultimate space”. But I know, I KNOW, if I did that it would be over. There would be no later. It doesn’t work that way. Our lives would no longer have any strings to tie us together. She would eventually become whole and someone else would fill in her new found happiness. The thing that really makes me boil is that I accept her even if it is tears. But I will not try to fix anything, I will just be me. I have tried to “fix” too many times and I am left empty by the time it is “fixed”. Or should I say patched. No matter what a person’s core is what it is, and even if you patch it up, you leave and it doesn’t get any better, they have to choose that themselves. So you feel double the hurt because you feel as though you let them down and you lost someone.

Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.

How long does it take for love to turn toxic? I think the most impactful part of that song is the “I’m giving up on you”. Because I am. I really would have climbed mountains with you. I would have made it work because each and everyday your flaws and beauty became better and better. But you didn’t seem to want the same. There is so much hypocrisy in the words you once told me and the person you currently are. There is a difference between families being different and not making room for me, almost embarrassed to let me in, blaming a situation rather than admitting it is personal. There is a difference between needing space and ignoring. There is a difference between saying you like a culture that is open and sharing and then closing off completely. There is a difference between me finding that balance of my own needs for open book and your extroverted introvert versus not working together at all. I feel alone, yet all I can think about is you. I may have anxiety and social restrictions in my life, but I am willing to work so damn hard on them and break out of the comfort zone to figure this out, but not even a breadcrumb makes me feel very alone in the woods.

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you. Anywhere, I, would have followed you. Say something, I’m giving up on you. I will swallow my pride, you’re the one that I love and I’m saying goodbye.” Because we don’t have enough of a foundation to survive without the “Say Something” literally, figuratively, abstractly.

Socks and Misconceptions – the silent judgements

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I saw an image that depicted what society thinks to be love between a woman and a man. The heart is located in the mans crotch and the woman’s heart is in the chest, but next to it, it has the “reality”: The mans heart in his chest and the woman’s in her head.

For me love has always started in my mouth. I talk about my life, my experiences, my stories, and my thoughts of the day to see how it hits the significant others mind. To see how she processes my spew. From there my heart begins to go to my eyes and brain. My brain watches her to see how she handles social situations, herself, if she is independent, co-dependent, emotionally connected, likes, dislikes. If we pickup on the same things around us. The ability to say “Did you just see…” and her to turn to me going, “OMG HIS HAIR WAS ON FIRE!”

Social situations hold a lot of water, because these show how we will interact with the world together. I am very sociable, yet reclusive in my own ways. I give off an exterior of confidence but under my arms are telling a different story. I want someone who can handle themselves but also be aware that we are there together and together we can be a stronger team. It is the old idea of both being in a room, one surfing the web and the other reading a book. Being together but being perfectly content to be “apart”. Independent but situationally aware.

My eyes look to see how she dresses, what she looks like, if I still am attracted to her as the days go on. This is a real thing by the way. Beyond the “puppy dog infatuation” the rules of attraction change on a day to day basis. The best thing you can hope for is everyday she becomes more attractive to you. And this is not based on physicality only but on mind and connection. You start to pick up on her body, her smiles, her emotions, and they just make you smile on the inside. That feeling of the butterflies but because you know you are still together.

After this my heart starts to slowly make its way to my chest. But before the ribs open up and let it in, my brain, eyes, mouth, and heart all have a sit down. They discuss what just happened, what they saw, heard, felt, and ultimately make the choice to finally spit out the words “I love you” not because it is the perfect timing or the logical next step, but because if I sit at that conference table anymore my heart will pop out of my chest if I don’t let it control my mouth to yell, whisper, cry out the three simple words, “I love you”.

This is the process of love for me. To be able to finally say I love you is such a freeing feeling for me being so analytical minded. It gives my head breathing space to just be. To be able to have my heart in my chest and just believe in it, in the way she looks at me and know the best parts are still to come now that this has opened up the ability to truly love even more is beautiful. I guess I also set myself up for a scarier fall if they change their mind after the fact, because if I say I love you, I am not just reciting one of the most overused phrases in our culture. Love is an action. We have to be willing to show it, not just say it. And we have to grow with it.

Majority of my relationships stall out on the mouth part. Sharing so much, yet in my mind so little of the “deeper” shit, up front scares a lot of people away. This is the one thing I refuse to compromise on. I am either me 100% or not at all. I refuse to have thought about love, romance, relationships, life, etc so much to have to penalize myself for having a larger outer shell with less fear of breaking my own heart than them to find love in the first place. I don’t have the mind space to be different people with my potential matches versus my best friends or family.

I am willing and do give such a large portion of my own self, which to me doesn’t feel that large, but it frees up the mind to go about growing/learning in society, life, family, and the other things that get thrown at me and this new person on a daily basis to learn who they truly are. But many people I have run into get stuck on love so much that I no longer get a picture of who they are, but a picture of who they think I want them to be, if they have decided to say “I love you” before I have had time to process their share versus mine. This can cause love to hinder the growth of who we could be together rather than open it up. My analytical brain fizzles pretty quickly the minute I feel as though I am no longer able to enjoy their company because it is so focused on “I love you” and the usage of pet names like “Baby” than the everyday. I talk about this in great details on my podcast “Why Love Is Not Enough“.

When you find that mixture of pet names and living life, wow what a feeling that can be. Living with love, not living for love.

I actually think men need more affection than women. I truly think society has it backwards as guys being the emotionless fuck machines and women being the tissue sucking, chocolate icecream inhaling succubi. We as men are used to being “strong” and when we can be softer it is a pleasure and something we want to share deeply with that special person. Something we couldn’t do with our friends or our family. The person who makes a holiday picture card seem like a fun activity.

Ultimately I will always value interpersonal relationships over a job or money because I feel as though this world we live in is backwards. I believe we put so much emphasis on the physical things that we literally lose years of life so we can have a bigger inch on our TV when in the end as we take our last breaths who will give two shits about the size of a TV and care about those who are next to us. We also do this with our jobs that afford us that TV, will we remember when we crunched 800 hours of our life for that “release” cooperate wanted or will be think, I wish I had spent more time living. To quote something I recently heard, “you don’t work the piano you play the piano”. If I could flip the way we work and retire I think it would make more sense. We are retiring our lives with our “savings” when we no longer have the energy to do what we wanted to experience and we are working away the hours when we have nothing but energy and ambition.

Social media feeds into this misconception of “self”. We post moments from our lives in the forms of 140 character blurbs or pictures on instagram. What is weird though is not only do we have to deal with societal norms and “the way things are” but we each have our own perception of what a picture or 140 character insert means. What weight it holds, what it shows about the person posting it. Although with a job and tangible life it is easier to label an interaction versus a moment posted to the cloud. There are not definitive ways to portray yourself yet “online”. We are making it up as we go along. So for each person you are now faced with a second layer of judgement. What is OK to post about and how are we being portrayed without even knowing? Is it better to show the smaller moments in life? Is it better to keep the bad out of the news feeds? Should be post the $$ signs from our latest raise or job? Or should we not have social media, at all.

For instance, I post a photo of my sock drawer with all new socks after throwing out the old ones.  I think bragging about socks is more acceptable in the world of Facebook then how much money you pull in on a gig. When twitter first came out my first post was “on the toilet” not knowing what anyone would actually want to know about me in a 140 character post as my day went on. I treat social media differently than person B and C may perceive it, and that is a problem, not because it is wrong or different but because you never know if you are talking to an A B C or Z person.  This makes a picture of my sock drawer turn into much more than was intended. Kinda like my writing. Stream of consciousness. Nothing holding more water than the thought ten seconds after this one. So I post a picture of socks and in my own head maybe this is going on: my family has always been surprised when they see me clean because as a kid I was that rebellious asshole and then when I hit college I grew up. So it’s nice to continue to show them I am continuing to grow. I get pleasure out of their “likes”. I guess I also feel like I can show them and myself I am an adult when I can have a drawer full of new socks instead of ratty old ones I kept due to financial situations or prioritization. It is a silent societal judgment on the size of a metaphorical TV. The constant struggle if we get super meta on a picture of socks, boiling down to us wanting to feel like we are living as adults and can portray that through material things such as apartments, amenities, new clothes, and the like. I am as guilty as anyone else for doing this and for one of those reasons I just spoke of that is why I post that innocuous photo of my socks. I post smaller achievements to mask my “unsure” bits about the bigger picture. It’s this 24 hour accessibility that you have no input on, no way to give context to, and becomes a perfect recipe for snap judgement on who YOU are versus the image itself, thus turning socks into a stream of words and emotions you may never have had, said, or thought. But for the person looking on, they can’t help it, it is human nature to analyze the “meaning”.

It amazes me that pictures of your animals or selfies are often more acceptable than a more intimate off the shelf look into ones life. Social media is causing a new level of social disconnection and intricacy to dating. It is causing us to look into the past of someone else’s experiences forgetting the most important idea; the idea of making our own memories. Expecting to get what we see as if we are shopping for a doll or buying tickets to a movie we just saw the preview for. Going home after a date and looking at the past life of the person you just spent real time with instead of thinking of the night you just had, instead replaying the preview for the movie again. We are choosing to live off a post or status update of the one we are with rather than picking up the phone and hearing the persons voice, letting that warm our hearts and meeting up to make our own social media pasts. The worst part is we don’t know when it is happening. It is this sub-division of a relationship that we have no knowledge of until it is brought up. Our profiles exist even while we sleep, so 24/7 the other person can be spending time with “you” without you even knowing, unable to respond, react, or give the subsequent emotional context via expressions or inflections. The definition of Lost in Txtlation. We are accessible to those we love at every moment of every day, and I don’t think that is such a good thing. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. We are suffocating our significant others without even knowing it.

“…non-personalized use of Facebook—scanning your friends’ status updates and updating the world on your own activities via your wall, or what Burke calls “passive consumption” and “broadcasting”—correlates to feelings of disconnectedness. It’s a lonely business, wandering the labyrinths of our friends’ and pseudo-friends’ projected identities, trying to figure out what part of ourselves we ought to project, who will listen, and what they will hear. ”

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/05/is-facebook-making-us-lonely/308930/ (Highly recommend this read)

There is so much more to our own progression through life than we can ever express via social media. There is a limit on how much is socially acceptable to talk about depression, struggle, and failure. So much so that if there isn’t a constant stream of updates and progression of your “working life” on a place like Facebook, you may just be perceived as someone with a lack of ambition and ability to “keep up”. But if you are anything like me, there is no update or photo that can truly explain the everyday struggles and successes between the creative and monetary side of the brain. It is something that real life allows us to make a more accurate assessment of. I am not one for delayed gratification, but honestly I think we really need a more organic approach to all of this. Instead of scrolling through the past photos of someone on social media after a good date, living through a curated version of that person that may no longer be applicable to the person you met, rewinding our own imagination of the evening, and letting songs like Maria from West Side Story write themselves in our head til we next meet.

Then again maybe I just like having new socks and underwear.

Holidays, oh holidays…

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Holidays, oh holidays. I always wish I had someone to bring home to Mom and Dad to share with them. I always feel as though it would just be that much more fun to have to decide where and when we will visit the different families and how we will balance the need to be with each other and the need to see our families. Knowing at the end of the day, we will find that solace in each other, regardless of the craziness we are about to embark on through the long car rides during the day, which in turn is time we would spend with each other. The pre-planning which usually means we are committed to each other. Planning anything is advance is usually a no no for non relationships because it gives off the impression of wanting more than what is there. But I guess I just like to think in advance this season more than the rest of the year because I know that due to my broken up family and distance between us I will have to do it with myself so I am used to it. This makes me automatically start to do it with someone I am interested in.

I also look at it by a climate thing too. The cold weather, a fireplace, some cheese and wine. Just sitting in warm pajamas and holding each other. Not necessarily alone, maybe my sisters are there chatting with us, or perhaps we are just playing with my family dog. Maybe sneaking off to bed early or watching as others go to sleep around us. But the feeling I get when I am home with the heat on and the lights a certain brightness and the tree sparkling. That feeling is one I want to share.

When things get overwhelming like holidays usually do with family, we can disappear to sneak that cigarette(breather) on the porch, in the crisp air, freezing our asses off together, but that unity of thought where we BOTH need to get away and we want to do it together. That always seems nice to me.

But even more recently, I just want someone to walk around the neighborhood with and look at the lights people have put up. Holding hands and enjoying the “magic” they can bring to a cold and barren month. The chance that it may snow, and we can get stuck inside together, making breakfast and coffee together, then bundling up to walk in the middle of the usually bustling street, now silent world blanketed by snow. I may like these moments more than the holiday itself to be completely honest. To meet someone that can be special enough that we want to make new traditions with, seems so damn amazing to me. Similar to what my cousins and I did with Cousin’s Christmas. An event spurred by the creativity and traditions of our own families, lost to time. Reinvented for our needs. And created to bring comfort and joy to one another. I actually think me inviting you to cousin’s Christmas has more meaning than family Christmas now, but I digress.

Holidays automatically bring the idea of love to the forefront whether it be there or not, wanted or not. But I don’t think it is about love, I think it is about human interaction. About the feelings that accompany us when we think of spending time with Family or friends, so obviously those we are interested in pop to the front of the list. This can play out for or against new relationships because of the pressures you may feel to HAVE to do any of the above, when I find through talking it out, it can be a much simpler equation that can always equal out to just meaning it is a holiday and working within its confines in needed and not something to even blink twice about, we all feel the stress.

I have always been one of those Italian boys who will introduce someone I meet to my family the day we meet if they are around. I don’t look at “meeting the family” as a big event but part of who I am and part of me I want to share. Although I must say, living a couple thousand miles away definitely does not help with it NOT being a big to do. :P

Oh and not to mention the FOOD. I want to share the food my family makes with EVERYONE I care about. Because it is probably some of the best food in the world and everyone should have chance to partake in it!

My Dads side is always a little more laid back on holidays, kind of the more classical cheese and wine feel and my Mom’s side is usually the more classical Italian “pranz”(get together) where the entire family comes, sings, yells, screams, gets to decibels that will break your ear drums, but we are all screaming because it has been a long time since we all sat in the same room and were able to share what was on our mind or reminisce about our great grandfathers mothers fathers etc. I think the stories are amazing, the way that the family was back before my time. The way the interactions were. It was, to me, like something out of an old black and white movie. But the one quality I always valued about my Italian family was the love they shared with each other. It was always people being kind, the men being gentlemen, the ladies slaving over the food with the men eating it as they hit their hands. The kids jumping around or playing in the corner preparing a dance recital or song to sing or playing dress up.

Anyway, all of this is part of who I am, this is what I saw growing up, through home movies or experience, and I always think how nice it would be to have someone that was interested enough in me and I in them that we would want to try to be a part of such a long history of stuff impossible to catch up on. Just trying to be there and not panicking from the loud intense moments or panicking and knowing it is OK.

So for me holidays alone do not make me lonely, just hopeful that I will be able to find someone eventually so they can share that with me while every single family member is around.

I want to know their favorite Christmas book so I can have it waiting to read to them before we go to sleep in the unfamiliar pull out bed in the guest room. I want to bring them down to open presents with me on Christmas and have them smell the coffee and taste the pancakes my dad makes and watch me and my sister be completely goofy once she has had her coffee. I want them to see the similarities between me and my dad(he is basically what I will look like in 30 years), and the many morals and creativity I have gotten from my mother. I want them to also see the talents my family has as they sit around the piano and sing, or sit and talk and joke(I want them to see my Uncle make the most ridiculous jokes), or just understand the love we all have for each other when we sit and watch a movie. The things holidays sometimes force you to do with your Family. I mean watching me and my sister curse to rile up my Mom is fun as hell, and watching us both freak out from random triggers unknown to us and needing to go lay down or get away for a minute.

I suppose holidays force you to see if someone wants to see who YOU are. It forces your significant other to be there and participate in your life. Because in the end family is the most important thing to all of us and I think many of us want to see how they interact with our families in the most extreme situations such as holidays force upon you. Not as a test but just as a way to get to know them and for them to get to know you better. Because honestly meeting them on a random Friday works too, holidays just give it a different atmosphere. There is no hiding who you have been in front of your family.

There is something strong that goes along with being part of the Italian Catholic family. Guilt and Family, oh and food. So while I may not be the definition of this, I like to at least share the parts I love the most about it, and have that hand to hold when I myself start to freak out from the pressures the holidays can bring.

Holidays, oh Holidays… Sometimes I guess I just want to cap them off with that New Year’s kiss, but not just a kiss, but something that you remember and look forward to at midnight. Not because it is different than the other kisses but because it is something deemed special by whatever book we have all been following. And that is one chapter I don’t mind adhering too. Even if it means a little planning is involved to get both our lives in the same place at that one tiny moment in time, I want to have that moment and I want to shuffle around some plans to make it happen.

Why? Because life is moments. And why deny ourselves moments that could be spectacular. And why not try them out even if they fail. Nothing to lose in the end really. We will be better off either way. Either way we find answers.

I guess touching on my last post a little, I know one thing, the chase is great, but eventually it is nice to know you are chasing something that you can give yourself to in a way you don’t just give a friend. And in return they will give it back. I myself realize I can only play for so long before I start to forget who I am because I am playing not being. I love to live in that moment but I need to live in it as me because otherwise I will second guess everything, and while that isn’t bad to work with someone else, I find it is healthy to be able to re-assess your points of view with people as long as they are willing to do it as well. So when the other is playing around or just being a separated version of themselves you are not actually re-assessing for reasons beyond a simple seconds worth of thought from the other person. I guess holidays have a tendency to make you think about a relationship like you do with your family and if you are willing to make the extra effort to do a simple act of opening the door for them or just as much, invest your time. A sort of unconditional love so to say. But more-so just the comfort of the things that don’t stress you as well, like your old room you left after college or the familiar star on the tree.

Holidays boldly try to make those beginning times happen quicker than you may feel comfortable with. So in that sense Holidays are a pain in the ass, but in the same sense, what’s the difference if Holidays help it along or not. I definitely see both sides here, and don’t have the answer as to yay or nay to either. It is finding someone who is open to a little bit of exploration whenever life decided to bring them together with you that is usually the crux. One person cannot make another change or be something other than what they want, I just wish more people could embrace feelings and regardless of past STUFF can live with it and let themselves open up to figuring out yay or nay without too much pulling of the others hair in-between. I know I can give a whole lot of myself to someone, but I have the reverse wall of others sometimes, mine becomes much more solid and impenetrable the longer I feel like their wall is stopping them from just enjoying those moments where they break character, the moments where the smiles are real, the feelings are overwhelming and indescribable, but instead of sucking back the tears of a moment like we do to save face, we just enjoy the release it brings and ride the wave of whatever the fuck it could mean, good or bad, past, present, or future thoughts.

And now that I have rambled my head off, I leave you with the same disclaimer as usual:

So those are my thoughts. Obviously I have a million more and I wonder if I express everything properly the first time, but that is OK I think, because there is time to re-address things and to talk about it, instead of it being chiseled into stone on, THIS IS HOW IT IS. Consider this my journal entry to myself with intent of someone reading it.

A self confrontation of a shadow turned nighttime

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P.S. (I know I am doing it wrong haha) This song was on repeat while writing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmCn9W7M7CQ or spotify: Ingrid Michaelson – Are We There Yet

I am sore and have taken a beating these last few months. But I feel good, no I feel great, I feel healthy, I feel strong, I feel physically capable, confident, and healthy. I breath the air yearning for it, not ignoring it as a daily activity. 

Here is the hike we did Yesterday:

Here is a video from this weekends hike:

It has been an amazing realization to know that the outdoors, the place I went to everyday as a child, sleeping with one eye open for, was still there waiting for me. Taking that first breath of the cool air, and getting the sensory memory overload from a childhood otherwise pushed aside now. Something meditative for the guy who can’t seem to get out of his head or stop talking, writing, txting, browsing the world around him.

This form of meditation was not through a chant or pose, but from the perspective of a child, my childhood, my carefree exploring mind of young, it gave me what normally hours of mediation would create for someone else, a sense of relief from the world, thoughts, and everything around us except that open, clear, cloud free mind, that just feels like a frozen moment in time, as if you were about to have a car wreck and the world slowed down just for you to see the events panning out before you. But in that moment you just saw the dust particles falling through the sun light infront of you, heard the leafs rustling, waterfalls pouring. It was and is beautiful.

I get home from these hikes now and don’t know what to do with myself if I am not outside now. The downfall to this is I have lost a little motivation to establish the social norms of “work” because I don’t see a clear path to anything yet that can be as enjoyable as that moment of clarity, nothing I love as much as this thing I just learned to love again. Ironically the “paths” I take while hiking, regardless of signs or maps, all feel comfortable and exciting. But my own “path” has yet to let me on it. I don’t know if I need to go up or down to get there.

I am still wandering this world unsure of my purpose. I have so many passions, I direct, I do photography, I used to act, I worked for a video game company, I did construction, worked at Mc Donalds, but I can’t tell you ONE of those that I value more than health, love, passion, happiness, family, and not taking life too seriously. I love to smile, I love to share my ability to smile, but how does someone make that into a “career”… I am yet to figure that out. I am starting to get frustrated at the “what are you doing for work” question again, (this was something I am familiar with, because it happened last time I quit smoking. I fell deep into it and lost hope. I refuse to do that this time… so I am talking about it outloud, I am confronting those things that scare me so much with open arms and no need to inhale on smoke to make it OK.) I am hearing myself wanting to get lost in a video game world to hide from my inability to achieve my own goals by achieving those in the world I do not exist in. And I find that conflicting with my need to wake up everyday and be active and outside, disconnected from Facebook, txting, phones, computers. I want to take the love of my life up on a mountain and just run together, or 10 feet ahead or behind each other, and still know we are on the mountain, breathing the same air, and eventually we will sit down and have lunch together.

I think those two ideas are starting to clash too, because yesterday on my hike, it may have had to do with exhaustion, but my anxiety was a little elevated for no good reason and has remained a bit elevated all day. I felt like I could get the panic feeling, but it never came. But I also fought it subconsciously by running up the last part of the trail and back down, in a record speed, just letting my legs move, and ignoring the pain or my brain saying to slow down. I just wanted to be in motion. And even though I was no longer hiking right next to my friend I knew he would catch up eventually and it was truly freeing to just jump down and up rocks, until I hit pavement again, and heard the sound of cars, resenting their exhausts and sounds, wanting to be at the top again.

As I write this I am actually figuring some of this stuff out too. Trying to figure myself out, while being punched in the face with a newfound love, but unable to make a living off of it can cause issues in the conscious. I have always felt so empowered by what my own body can achieve. And I love to share. Maybe that is a clue. Maybe my life isn’t behind a camera, but exploring, pushing my mind and body to the limit, and sharing my stream of conscious with those around me. Helping others to better themselves, not because I myself am better, but because I am passionate about sharing my everyday thoughts. The unoriginal originality. Inspiring through the simple idea of “I think that too!”, “I struggle there too”, “I want that too”, “I love too”. I have said before, we are, regardless of our achievements or fame, still looking to talk to others and connect with those around us, because at the end of the day and during, consists of just that, interactions, meaningless in an otherwise meaningful “idea” that is society. Figuring out a medium in which people will enjoy reading my 10 page hieroglyphics will be a challenge however. 🙂

So with the good comes the bad. But one day at a time here. One antsy, want to be outside, climbing, scrambling, breathing heavily, day at a time. 

The Truth

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I am not Suave, I know the games but won’t play them, I talk too much, I call too soon, I txt the day of, I write more than a sentence when I say hello, I respond to txts almost immediately after getting them, I pick up phone calls even if I am on the other line to tell you, I judge on appearance but if you cannot back it up with wit and intelligence I won’t waste my time, I put up photos of myself that look vain(I have 100000 more on Facebook), I will ask for your Facebook before we meet(mostly because people are full of shit when they pick their photos for here), I take my photos head on so you can see what I look like not what I want to look like, I am way more personable in person, I am sarcastic but it comes across as being an ass over txts if you never spoke to me, I probably crack to many jokes at other peoples expense, I love life and you should too, I am a hopeful romantic, I love to share, I have a lot to share, it doesn’t mean it is everything I have to share, I have no filter, I say the wrong things, I say the right things, I am kind, I am an ass, I am very aware of my own self perception, I don’t think a profile on here should be what we wish we were, I hate when people are overweight and leave body type blank or write athletic(as if we can’t tell?), I am a photographer(for one of my many passions) so I know the angles of photographs to make you look better, if I am having a good day I will want to talk to you, if I am having a shitty day I will want to vent to you, it takes everything in my power not to put up a picture with my shirt off as a profile pic because I work hard for my body and want to share, I love to be proven wrong, I USE WAY TOO MANY EMOTICONS, I’m obsessed with leggings, I think workout clothes are sexier than lingerie, I am extremely positive about life good or bad, and I don’t mind run on sentences.

If that sounds good. Then ask me the rest. And stop sending me messages telling me how “people aren’t who they seem, and I had a bad relationship, or I am guarded yadda yadda, then don’t date. If you are not ready to get hurt, then you aren’t ready to date in any serious form. Put up a craigslist ad and get laid. Finding the right person takes some effort and to be honest I refuse to waste time on emotionally unavailable people. 

Oh and I really do appreciate it when people are crazy from the start. It saves me the surprise later down the road.

Men, God’s leftovers..

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So I need to rant… 

As a guy, we like to get into shape. We feel better about ourselves, we are athletic, have testosterone etc etc. But there are some major flaws with the male body.

I have yet to meet a girl who you can send a picture to of yourself naked where it just makes her go insane. Now flip the coin and a girl sends a suggestive, not even nude picture of herself to a guy, and what do you get? A horny guy.

Why is this?

Well let me break it down… Let’s start with the most important “to the guy” part, the penis.. WTF… A girl has her naughty bits hidden away in a pretty little package. It is inviting, self contained, and not subject to harm as easily. Then we look at a guy, WHAT THE FUCK? As if the penis wasn’t weird enough looking as it is just hanging there for the world to see, we have to have this excess skin holding two “balls” underneath it. Dammit, there is NOTHING FUN about having balls, we often sit on them if we shift in our chair the wrong way, and they just flop around. They are covered in hair, and do not accentuate our manly hood at all. Girls ovaries are neatly tucked away inside them, but we have a fucking punching bag hanging from our lower half… Not to mention, we can’t hide shit when it comes to how we “feel”. I mean we wake up at full mast for the only reason I can think of is NOT wetting the bed. All men care about is performance, but we have an appendage that doesn’t work if we are worried about performance. 

So OK, “manhood” aside, let’s talk about boobs. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to give guys boobs? We are not feeding babies, if we gain weight they look absolutely ridiculous and if we get in shape they still look ridiculous. So WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE THEM DAMMIT! Not only are women’s much more attractive they serve a damn purpose.

Girls have beautiful curves, accents, lips, etc. They can dress them up in some of the most magnificent styles I have ever seen, and us guys get t-shirts and jeans. And to make it worse some of the male population thinks it is sexy to wear our underwear out of our pants. Not sexy, girls couldn’t do it with the whale tale, so what makes us think we can do it with our smiley face Joe Boxers.

Oh, and NOT TO MENTION, was our body used as a damn wet mop after woman had her first haircut? What the crap is that all about. I know that is subjective, but I really cannot stand body hair, I even tried shaving my legs when I was swimming, but to be honest, credit to the ladies out there, it is fucking hard, there is hair behind the knees, wtf! 

So we do our best to tone up and get the hodgepodge of parts to look somewhat appealing and girls will always drop the line here or there “I can’t get comfortable on you, you aren’t squishy enough”… 

For fucks sake… all I want, personally, is someone to run their hand down my sex lines or across my arm and notice all the new indents and muscles I was admiring in the mirror when I first found them. Is that too much to ask? It isn’t a conceded thing, it is a self realization thing. It is being proud. The body is cool and I just appreciate a little acknowledgment haha. 

We are either squishy or toned, there is no middle ground here girls. I mean you have those naturally skinny people, but they are not squishy, they are tiny. It feels good when you lay on my chest and I swear I am not going to flex to make you uncomfortable, I just like the touch and weight of you.

BLAH, just go pick our a cool pair of leggings or sexy bathing suit with multiple shapes and accent to make your body amazing and desirable, and I will go get board shorts (which at least cover my kneecaps which are not pretty on anyone IMO) and t-shirts and jeans which either make me look too metro or from the ghetto. 

Yes yes, it takes us less time to get ready, but that is because we have nothing to show off. I am seriously jealous of the female figure and how much fun it is to dress up. So girls, know this, if I look at another woman while we are out, it is not because I want to get her in bed, it is because I want to figure out where she got her outfit so I can go buy it for your amazing body which is my adult version of your dolls 😛

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Sometimes the things you want the most don’t happen and what you least expect happens. I don’t know – you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet one person and your life is changed forever.

This feels like a movie! Perhaps I shouldn’t want it to?

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I know I have experienced being in a relationship where you can compare it to a movie.  If you  break down the basics of a movie, you would assume perhaps this is not the “perfect” relationship at all. If your relationship reminds you of a movie it is because you remember it like one, only savoring the exact frames the editor in this case, your mind, wanted you to see. You pass the time in between with cuts, removing anything that is the everyday. You create a moving slideshow of a period of time, and with the proper filters on them it gives it that epic film feel.

With the right color correction and depth of field you are going to miss the world around anything that may seem imperfect.  Instead of the feeling of bliss when your relationship turns into a movie, it should be a warning that you are only watching the highlights of the complete picture. I mean that is what a movie is comprised of, the perfect moments, good and bad, dramatized for the passing of time. Emotion is only needed for portrayal of each character that is part of the movie, not the world around it. You can see this in movies like Godzilla, where we either hate or empathize with the monster, yet the movie ignores the fact that millions of people are dying below the big battle in the sky.

A movie is also easy to critique or judge, but in our real lives, ever decision, every day, takes time and examination.  Real life is a balance of your own opinions mixed with feelings, that can be totally dependent on the sleep you had the night before, what you ate, and the feelings of the people around you. A film doesn’t embody this. Sure, life can often fall into a script like approach, revision after revision, but the ability for improv stands in the way of your short films of life turning into a feature film.

A movie is stuck inside it’s own bubble of self, it has it’s own script, that eventually will end, editing techniques to tell that script, and a limited cast and crew to run it.  The world a place where your own perfection cannot exist because the the imperfections are part of what make the perfect in the days you spend living. Even this, as I write is influenced by the world put forth around me, intentional or  with humility.

So tonight I look forward to thinking back upon the old relationships I had where I thought things did feel like a movie, but now  realizing, I am glad most movies don’t have a sequel. If I only have fragments of time and then years skipped in between due to the time constraints of an audience watching the film, the need to circulate new patrons through the theatre to turn a profit, and summarizing exposition so not to confuse the people watching, I would not be giving myself enough life, enough care, enough introspection. My mind will then be unable to mature and reflect, due to the curtain closing, and the credits rolling.  I want to be able to see the unspoken sequel to my life and relationships. The time that happens between the cuts. The time that has yet to occurred due even if there is a happy ending. That ending, is superficial, because love is not the end, love is the beginning.

I refuse to skip these unwritten chapters in my life, because there is no rewind, but there is definitely a fade to black.

This feels like a movie… Perhaps I shouldn’t want it to…

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To be in the relationship where you can compare it to a movie, I know I have felt it, experienced it.  But to reflect on the basics of a movie, you would assume perhaps this is not the “perfect” relationship at all. Perhaps if your relationship reminds you of a movie it is because you remember it like a movie, only savoring the exact edits. You pass the in between time with cuts. A slideshow of a period of time, pictures a day, with the proper filters on them to give them the film feel. Somehow even though the normal everyday life may be normal and not out of the ordinary, with the right color correction and depth of field you miss the world around anything that may seem perfect.  Instead of the feeling of bliss when your relationship turns into a movie, moment after moment, it should be a warning that you are only watching the highlights of a complete picture. I mean that is what a movie is comprised of, the perfect moments, good and bad, dramatized for the passing of time, or the emotion needed for portrayal of character.

A movie is easy to critique or judge, but ever decision every day, takes an open mind. One that can look past the personal opinions buried inside yourself. Yet at the same time it becomes a balance of your own opinion mixed with feelings depending on the sleep you had, what you ate, and that of the people around you. Life itself can often fall into a script like approach, revision after revision. The apprehension to improv alone stands in your way.

So perhaps it is a mastery only befitting of a surrounding in which there are no movies or editing techniques to compare to. A world based on the truth around you, not the truth you use to karmic-ly get through the day.  A place where your own perfection cannot exist because the only perfect is the days you spend living. Even this, as I write is influenced by the perceptions put forth around me, prideful or filled with humility.

So tonight I look forward thinking back upon the old relationships and moments in time I had where I thought things felt like a movie and realize, I probably don’t want a movie. If I only have fragments of time with years skipped in between due to the time constraints of an audience, I myself am not giving life itself enough care. My mind will then be unable to mature and reflect as well as see my steps I take ever breath of the day.

I cannot skip chapters in my life, because there is no rewind, but there is definitely a fade to black.

Is your life moving on the same timeline as mine?

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I swear depending on where you are in life your life moves at different speeds. Ever have a dream and wake up instantly? Ever have a dream that lasted days?But in reality it was still the same time period in terms of a clock time. Now apply that same idea to a job or a year of life. How fast did your week feel? How long did the last few years feel? If I felt like my week sped by and you felt it crawl by does our perception of time actually change how we would see each other? If I said I will talk to you in a week and my week flew by but yours was drawn out, would you feel like I was ignoring you or as if you needed to find someone else to talk to when it felt as though all I thought about was you?

Just some food for thought.

Will I experience that life? Will I be able to close the riveting book of my own love?

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I have always dreamed of different lives. I often wonder which ones I will experience in my time. And perhaps if the world is a constant thing, where your energy is re-used later on even after death, will I experience it at a later date or have I already experienced hence my yearn to feel those lives. This is not to say, my life is boring or I am not enjoying it, it is just the idea that other aspects of all sorts of ways of passing time in life intrigue me. From the simplest to the most complex.

My first dream is to live a life of simple needs. A life where money isn’t more than a way to buy groceries and gas. A life where your relationships and the people around you move you from day to day. Where you live a mile from your mother until she leaves you, you by her side. A place where you find love in love itself. Where the person you are with is just with you and you with them. Because there is nothing else but love and living. Where you wake up early because you can, and you don’t feel time other than when you are called to dinner. Perhaps this is on a farm with nothing but your crops, or perhaps it is the life of an artist just making ends meat in New Orleans, never making it to Hollywood, but going to local jazz clubs and coffee shops, just having what you and your friends say to live by. Sitting and talking, quitting job after job, putting on the name tag, until you leave to go home to your small one room flat to lay in the heat with the one you love. Wearing tattered hand me downs, sipping homemade lemonade to fight off the humid heat. Just think of what New Orleans means to you, or Oklahoma. The basic meaning of these words. This is what I mean.

Perhaps an alteration of that is living the life of someone trying so hard to become what you want to, but stopping yourself because you are so used to this life. Where you push soo hard to become something and the person you are with leaves you when they see you are wasting life away on comforts. Yet in the end, you realize, it wasn’t each others dreams you loved, but the situations this caused, and you find each other for the rest of your lives. Selling cereal. (movie reference)

The second life is that where war overrides the daily cultures, social aspects, and meanings of life. Your course is preplanned and you fight toward a common goal. A place where you hold your best friends hand covered in blood, not thinking about the diseases that can be transmitted but about what you are going to tell his/her significant other. Not a place where you need to keep up with the latest technologies or when the next txt message will come in to tell you what to do that night, but you eat pre-heated food and the meaningless pleasure of a bath is like being a king. You smoke cigarettes without the fear of cancer because you can enjoy everything in life as it is handed to you. For all you know tomorrow will be your time. This looming idea of destruction and death makes you live life a way you never knew possible. Even in war though, would I be content just following orders or would I end up pushing to further my place in that hierarchy as well.

The third is a life of glamour. Living each day without a monetary care in the world, but the pressures of the “scene” on your shoulders constantly. Having the ability to be in the bleeding edge of life, because every door opens freely. Battling the fake and reals of life. Unable to leave your house without others wanting to see what you are doing, flashes blinding all moments in your life. But you must sacrifice being with your old friends and family. You must go where you are needed, not by those who brought you into the world, but the new family called your fans. But how do you balance this life and the life you miss. When can you say, I have done enough, I am content, when do you turn down the next script.
The fourth is that of comfort. Finding that thing you are good at, but not being able to push it to the limits or finding that break to be “popular”. Perhapsyou become the self loathing teacher of your passion, the one who never made it. Or perhaps a drone in a cubicle, doing your work at top notch because it all makes sense, and you are always ahead of the curve.

The fifth is the life where you forget yourself. And you live in this life because it brings you the comforts of money, relaxation, stress, and keeping up with the Benjamins next door. You go through the motions of life because your job allows you to.

Or perhaps the last would be just trying ever one of your passions out until you have exhausted all options not really being content or upset. But in a constant motion.

Ultimately, I would like to be able to find someone in my life, who can share these pieces of all lives together. Where you are able to live your dreams, but after you feel content you can settle down in love. You can have a mattress on the floor of an empty house. You can paint the walls together, playfully splashing it over your loved one, turning into a heated passionate moment on that mattress, the one piece of the house that won’t change. Growing together eventually raising a child to grow in your lives with you. I think most importantly is the idea of the photographer living with the model/makeup artist. The lives of those who love each other should feel like a flowing river. Mixing the dirt and sand from the coast, but always ending up in that river. Eventually leading into a circular lake, where the world now begins to fall behind and fills your bed of water without you having to put the efforts of say a first date. Like the idea of my Grandmother using the internet. When it finally got to her, she didn’t need to master it, but it was cool. Living with someone who you look forward to looking at their splashes of paint on the wall, or their work spread all over the bedroom. For me, the artistic approach to life. I want someone who loves the arts equally. All aspects. Better than me in some kinds and me them. This wouldn’t cause friction but pride for their abilities. I have always dreamed of someone who was good at the “Hollywood flat or Soho” feel of life, and it reflected their record player and style. Edgy but with the want and yearn for living life calmer than those who have to go and DO just to feel alive. The appreciation for the quick city as well as the class of the 50’s.

Being able to grow together like this, being able to live your passions and have that other person see you grow and you them, as you both make your lives what you want. Or perhaps you fail or she fails, but either way you have experienced and tried, and have each other to love, and have the painted walls, which your hands bled over as the groundwork for your lives forever.

I know this is not the most articulate piece of writing I have ever written, but I want to get the thoughts out. Just some raw ideas. Perhaps I will revisit this at a later date and pretty it up.

I wonder if one day I will meet that person with smooth pale skin, eyes as blue as 20 steps deeper than man can journey down into the sea. (This is just an example for those red heads out there that think I am creepy, the movie I just saw had someone in it that reminded me of this look which has always had a place in my heart.) I wonder if regardless of what stages in life we are at, if eventually we will meet in the middle. Like the life of Benjamin Button.(as contrived as that movie was, event eh notebook held more water) The man who lived his life from old to young, and met his soul mate when she was in the middle of her life, and for that moment, regardless of the direction both lives are going, that fleeting moment will be perfect, and it will line up. And from that point on, as she grows older and he gets younger, they are destined to live in each other’s lives, no matter what the circumstances. He will always be there for her and she will hold his hand as he forgets to walk. And those fleeting moments they will know they had love.

When that other person in my life passes away or I pass away, I want to know that I have loved, that she was my soulmate and I will never yearn for anything else. My friends will not push me out to meet someone else because they know I only needed that time with her. And now that part of my life, that chapter in my life, is complete. When I see a movie where someone has found true love and they are a young age when one dies, it is hard for me to fathom how they could ever have someone else. If you find perfection, how can you top an already impossible feat. Perfection does not exist, only times in peoples lives lining up.

So you are having a bad day and mine was great, we are on a different time line in life for the moment. My day flew by, yours at a crawl. I hope there will be strength enough to be able to sprint to catch up to each other, or perhaps take a moment to smell the day, and wait for the other. The place where people are in their lives is always scary, because when you live in such a fast paced world where you want to be a part of a big city or fast moving industry, it can be a matter of seconds to lose that chance to see what could have been.

I guess what I am trying to say is there is something intriguing about living like a gypsy, but not unless you have someone with you who you love already, because lets be honest, in real life, gypsies don’t have dental insurance and Hollywood makeup artists. :)

(btw if ur tagged it is because I enjoy your feedback, but don’t feel obligated.)

(also normal disclaimer: I just feel the need to get thoughts written out sometimes, most the time these are not MEANT for direct reading by other people, or with that intention, they are written for me to go back to later when I wonder why. I mean it is very true that we all see our stories and lives differently than someone not in our head to see the images that go with the words.)

Will I experience that life? Will I be able to close the riveting book of my own love?

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I have always dreamed of different lives. I often wonder which ones I will experience in my time. And perhaps if the world is a constant thing, where your energy is re-used later on even after death, will I experience it at a later date or have I already experienced hence my yearn to feel those lives. This is not to say, my life is boring or I am not enjoying it, it is just the idea that other aspects of all sorts of ways of passing time in life intrigue me. From the simplest to the most complex.

My first dream is to live a life of simple needs. A life where money isn’t more than a way to buy groceries and gas. A life where your relationships and the people around you move you from day to day. Where you live a mile from your mother until she leaves you, you by her side. A place where you find love in love itself. Where the person you are with is just with you and you with them. Because there is nothing else but love and living. Where you wake up early because you can, and you don’t feel time other than when you are called to dinner. Perhaps this is on a farm with nothing but your crops, or perhaps it is the life of an artist just making ends meat in New Orleans, never making it to Hollywood, but going to local jazz clubs and coffee shops, just having what you and your friends say to live by. Sitting and talking, quitting job after job, putting on the name tag, until you leave to go home to your small one room flat to lay in the heat with the one you love. Wearing tattered hand me downs, sipping homemade lemonade to fight off the humid heat. Just think of what New Orleans means to you, or Oklahoma. The basic meaning of these words. This is what I mean.

Perhaps an alteration of that is living the life of someone trying so hard to become what you want to, but stopping yourself because you are so used to this life. Where you push soo hard to become something and the person you are with leaves you when they see you are wasting life away on comforts. Yet in the end, you realize, it wasn’t each others dreams you loved, but the situations this caused, and you find each other for the rest of your lives. Selling cereal. (movie reference)

The second life is that where war overrides the daily cultures, social aspects, and meanings of life. Your course is preplanned and you fight toward a common goal. A place where you hold your best friends hand covered in blood, not thinking about the diseases that can be transmitted but about what you are going to tell his/her significant other. Not a place where you need to keep up with the latest technologies or when the next txt message will come in to tell you what to do that night, but you eat pre-heated food and the meaningless pleasure of a bath is like being a king. You smoke cigarettes without the fear of cancer because you can enjoy everything in life as it is handed to you. For all you know tomorrow will be your time. This looming idea of destruction and death makes you live life a way you never knew possible. Even in war though, would I be content just following orders or would I end up pushing to further my place in that hierarchy as well.

The third is a life of glamour. Living each day without a monetary care in the world, but the pressures of the “scene” on your shoulders constantly. Having the ability to be in the bleeding edge of life, because every door opens freely. Battling the fake and reals of life. Unable to leave your house without others wanting to see what you are doing, flashes blinding all moments in your life. But you must sacrifice being with your old friends and family. You must go where you are needed, not by those who brought you into the world, but the new family called your fans. But how do you balance this life and the life you miss. When can you say, I have done enough, I am content, when do you turn down the next script.
The fourth is that of comfort. Finding that thing you are good at, but not being able to push it to the limits or finding that break to be “popular”. Perhapsyou become the self loathing teacher of your passion, the one who never made it. Or perhaps a drone in a cubicle, doing your work at top notch because it all makes sense, and you are always ahead of the curve.

The fifth is the life where you forget yourself. And you live in this life because it brings you the comforts of money, relaxation, stress, and keeping up with the Benjamins next door. You go through the motions of life because your job allows you to.

Or perhaps the last would be just trying ever one of your passions out until you have exhausted all options not really being content or upset. But in a constant motion.

Ultimately, I would like to be able to find someone in my life, who can share these pieces of all lives together. Where you are able to live your dreams, but after you feel content you can settle down in love. You can have a mattress on the floor of an empty house. You can paint the walls together, playfully splashing it over your loved one, turning into a heated passionate moment on that mattress, the one piece of the house that won’t change. Growing together eventually raising a child to grow in your lives with you. I think most importantly is the idea of the photographer living with the model/makeup artist. The lives of those who love each other should feel like a flowing river. Mixing the dirt and sand from the coast, but always ending up in that river. Eventually leading into a circular lake, where the world now begins to fall behind and fills your bed of water without you having to put the efforts of say a first date. Like the idea of my Grandmother using the internet. When it finally got to her, she didn’t need to master it, but it was cool. Living with someone who you look forward to looking at their splashes of paint on the wall, or their work spread all over the bedroom. For me, the artistic approach to life. I want someone who loves the arts equally. All aspects. Better than me in some kinds and me them. This wouldn’t cause friction but pride for their abilities. I have always dreamed of someone who was good at the “Hollywood flat or Soho” feel of life, and it reflected their record player and style. Edgy but with the want and yearn for living life calmer than those who have to go and DO just to feel alive. The appreciation for the quick city as well as the class of the 50’s.

Being able to grow together like this, being able to live your passions and have that other person see you grow and you them, as you both make your lives what you want. Or perhaps you fail or she fails, but either way you have experienced and tried, and have each other to love, and have the painted walls, which your hands bled over as the groundwork for your lives forever.

I know this is not the most articulate piece of writing I have ever written, but I want to get the thoughts out. Just some raw ideas. Perhaps I will revisit this at a later date and pretty it up.

I wonder if one day I will meet that person with smooth pale skin, eyes as blue as 20 steps deeper than man can journey down into the sea. (This is just an example for those red heads out there that think I am creepy, the movie I just saw had someone in it that reminded me of this look which has always had a place in my heart.) I wonder if regardless of what stages in life we are at, if eventually we will meet in the middle. Like the life of Benjamin Button.(as contrived as that movie was, event eh notebook held more water) The man who lived his life from old to young, and met his soul mate when she was in the middle of her life, and for that moment, regardless of the direction both lives are going, that fleeting moment will be perfect, and it will line up. And from that point on, as she grows older and he gets younger, they are destined to live in each other’s lives, no matter what the circumstances. He will always be there for her and she will hold his hand as he forgets to walk. And those fleeting moments they will know they had love.

When that other person in my life passes away or I pass away, I want to know that I have loved, that she was my soulmate and I will never yearn for anything else. My friends will not push me out to meet someone else because they know I only needed that time with her. And now that part of my life, that chapter in my life, is complete. When I see a movie where someone has found true love and they are a young age when one dies, it is hard for me to fathom how they could ever have someone else. If you find perfection, how can you top an already impossible feat. Perfection does not exist, only times in peoples lives lining up.

So you are having a bad day and mine was great, we are on a different time line in life for the moment. My day flew by, yours at a crawl. I hope there will be strength enough to be able to sprint to catch up to each other, or perhaps take a moment to smell the day, and wait for the other. The place where people are in their lives is always scary, because when you live in such a fast paced world where you want to be a part of a big city or fast moving industry, it can be a matter of seconds to lose that chance to see what could have been.

I guess what I am trying to say is there is something intriguing about living like a gypsy, but not unless you have someone with you who you love already, because lets be honest, in real life, gypsies don’t have dental insurance and Hollywood makeup artists. :)

(btw if ur tagged it is because I enjoy your feedback, but don’t feel obligated.)

(also normal disclaimer: I just feel the need to get thoughts written out sometimes, most the time these are not MEANT for direct reading by other people, or with that intention, they are written for me to go back to later when I wonder why. I mean it is very true that we all see our stories and lives differently than someone not in our head to see the images that go with the words.)

The X Theory

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To put it in metaphor, I’d say that oftentimes paths will cross, as Fate would have it, and that would be Instant Love; however, in order to keep this instant love, you must apply that conscious effort to pursue… because when paths cross, they will naturally meet at one point, the middle of an X {a cross- those physical, chemical, mental changes}, and then start going the opposite way, as is natural with growing and life changing. This is where the effort to pursue Love comes in… where people will take the time, effort, and energy to pave a new road together. Regardless of where those roads of Fate may lead. And the strength of that crossing point will help to determine if it will last or it will grow apart. Because we are on different timelines, but if when we meet the intersection was strong enough, it can bind us together even as time changes who we will be.

 

” Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.”

As time goes on, the apple rots.

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Why is it that we find it necessary to carry on multiple relationships rather than taking our time with one. If you are interested in a person, then perhaps you should take the time from your life to enjoy that moment. Why multi task a pleasure filled activity such as human connection. While I understand the American attitude of productivity, I lose it with the idea that life can only give you so many apples at a time. What? Am I crazy? That made no sense. I should be multi tasking more then, taking on 4-10 girls or boys at a time to make sure the clock will continue to tick before I find out I am alone.

That fear is the drive that makes us take those apples and quickly shine them on our shirt, then take a bite.  No time to taste, no time to inspect each side, no time to hear the noise as your teeth sink into the tough outer skin and into the soft juicy center, even crunching through the seeds which could give birth to another. Another life, another turn, another moment, another yearn. Your clock has already stopped you are just going to fast to hear the ticking stop. A simple rhyme to make the point, but this whole rant is still a bit disjoint.

Now what if you were to take that apple and eat every bite, but instead of licking your lips and be satisfied with the hunger you have filled… Take a moment, find the seeds, plant them outside, water them until they can blossom.  Now as you watch it grow you can decide, “I think I am in the mood for an orange now”, or perhaps now that you can watch this small seed grow into the bright lustrous apple, shinning brightly on the outside and sweetly fragile on the inside, there is no need to change your taste. Some think you must taste it all to fulfill a lifetime, but is it realistic to acquire every taste only to find out the first was the best?

So if you mix a strawberry with a banana, you will taste the strawberry not he banana. If you mix a lemon with a lime you will not know which is sour and which is sweet.  So all food aside, why not, instead of rushing to perfection, take a blind, exciting leap. But without your eyes shut, and with sturdy ground ahead, because you know, if the taste is not to your palette, you can always find another treat.  Food may rot, and life grow old, but happiness is forever, don’t let go.

The White Crayon

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I signed up for Match.com the other day, because I was interested in seeing the difference between the responses I got when I was heavier and now. Where did that come from? Well it kinda stems from how I began to write this in the start. I sent this message to someone today:

“Btw, when we see each other I totally understand the idea that life isn’t always good answers or answers in general. So wherever you are in yours understand I’m still searching for mine too. I just think you are an interesting enough person to share even the strange confusing days with. If that makes sense, I just got that sense from our attempts to get together. Your status updates and how with my move back I feel similar from the little I can gather from a facebook post. Not to mention I have been obsessing over my physical state since I changed it a bunch since we last saw each other. but the more I thought about it, the more I realize the more prepared we go into seeing each other the less likely it is to be real for either of us.”

To this the response was sincere. I say this in regards to my match.com profile because, as the NYTimes has now reported, a phone call as is now considered a breach of etiquette to those who are not really close.

“Americans are talking less on their cellphones. When they do talk, the conversations are shorter, according to industry data. Partly, this reflects the shift in use of cellphones more as mobile computers that communicate via written messages. But this also reflects a subtle shift in etiquette, experts say. People increasingly use text messages and e-mail to arrange telephone calls, which are reserved for more important, complicated dialogues. An unscheduled call from people other than family members, they say, is often regarded as a rude intrusion.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/weekinreview/22lohr.html

And I realized I was trying to portray that everything was OK on there and grab peoples attention through something witty or personal, and I was ready to give me in a nice sunlight to someone, when in reality, I just wanted to sit down and be able to talk real with this person about life and spark our brains as the night goes on. I guess it kinda makes sense, even if I am very old school in my interaction ways, to use every form of communication to really be honest and yourself regardless of how the outcome may be. And especially for someone like me that hates texting, to find that way to text in a way that gives off the vibe of how I will be when in person, instead of trying to be txt Tristan and In Person Tristan. More like how I write, explaining a situation rather than trying to live the situation through those medias. Because then the in person will follow.

I can’t say I believe in finding yourself before you can be happy with someone else. I think being able to find someone who is willing to work on finding someone else and finding themselves at the same time is healthy.  I mean an old teacher of mine said it could take a lifetime without success to truly find yourself, or soul search as he said. Well I don’t have that much time to do both.

So all of this is my journey so far. So “what are your plans?”.. simple it is to fight every day to figure it out and my mind is fighting back, but I feel strong.

Thinking of you…

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I love my window because it has the fire escape on it and when I sit there looking out at the rusting metal with bits of black paint peeling from it, it clears my head. Something about it makes me feel good. And through that release from my own thoughts puts me into my thoughts even more.
 

I look out even if I don’t look up toward the sky like a contrived movie pose, I think perhaps like Fival with the whole “Somewhere out there” sentiment.

I mean is there really someone out there that is your soul mate. Is there really a person who is thinking of you and you of them regardless of where you are in the world? I mean is there someone who has gone through life in just such a way that makes you and them the perfect match?

Or is it possible that there is more than one person out there that is your perfect match. Does soul mate even mean what it is meant to mean. People get remarried, people die and meet someone to fill the void, yet I wonder if perhaps we might miss out on that chance to be with the perfect person because we can settle. Because we can sacrifice the idea of that ONE person to be loved.

Do we match due to astronomy, or do we match from feelings, or perhaps since the idea is that when we don’t look fo it it finds us, that there is a predetermined fate for us and who we will love, but when it happens can we actually make it happen and is it possible for it to slip through our fingers. Then what? Do we control it or does fate?

Can friends turn lovers when as friends it can be halted by other lovers…

Are we actually just making up this thing called love, because don’t we strive to learn how to love ourselves before we can find love, and isn’t that a life long journey for everyone because our lives constantly evolve and the person in the mirror is never the same.

Is it possible to feel heart break when you haven’t even felt the love yet?

Blah so many questions, so many ideas. I was right in one thing, pointing myself in the right direction and being unsure is way better than getting comfortable and being the wrong way.

I’m writing incoherently… so the end.

YOU define love.

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I think love itself doesn’t know how it works. I believe each individual will find love based on their perception thus making it so indefinable yet with so many definitions.

I think simple and extravagant can mean the same thing when you are laying in the grass with the person you love staring at the stars sneaking a peak at one another.

And sometimes a moment becomes a memory right as it is happening, because it is so significant you want to capture it forever. And without these moments, these experiences, can you ever know how to love?

I have a different opinion on the “knowing yourself” before you can meet someone else. Albeit I respect who I am and don’t really have walls to life, and really am always me 24 / 7(with some help here and there to remember) but I thought a lot about that idea and I came up with, I believe we will find ourselves till the day we die because the days leading up to death define us, as well as the people we meet. So if we didn’t look while we were also finding ourselves it would be too late.

I think there are hallmark ways of going about it and also ways to be inquisitive while still respecting the boundaries as well as pushing the standards.

So you define love, when it can make you so confused.

I want those thoughtless high school nights back…

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So as I reminisce to those moments in high school that I hated. Ya know anytime in high school. lol Ok so I have been thinking of those simple nights in which I sat there with a girl in my arms. We would kiss, we would talk about very little, hardly scratch the surface of each other’s lives, as there was little surface to scratch back then. Yet we would be content. Regardless of the drama caused by all the world around us, we managed to live it up and enjoy each moment, even enjoy a small amount of cat and mouse. 

So Ok I don’t want to go back there or waste time with the cat and mouse style games anymore, but part of me wants to incorporate some of the antics back into my life. By this I mean the innocence of it all. The long months where all we needed was the kiss into the late night hours, the dances when we dressed up and went to an unfamiliar place, a drive to no where, a moment when our parents would leave and I would sit you up on the counter and stand in between your legs just thinking about you in my life. Playing with your hair for hours, rubbing my fingers down your arms as you nestled into my chest. The idea that, I was a virgin and so were you, and there was no pressure to do anything but enjoy the simpler aspects of the relationship.

Now imagine incorporating this into a relationship now as we get older. You get the same floating feeling but instead of only scratching the surface you gain an insight to the other person with the time spent. And the idea here is that even if you have the urge to go further into non virgin territory, you hold your ground for as long as you can, and then you keep a lively relationship up to learn as much as possible before you are driven with the other brain.

Imagine, now in our lives, we live on our own, we pay our bills, we are free to do like we always hoped for when in our puppy dog love so many years ago. So let’s fall into each others eyes, head over heels, but keep in mind past experiences so we can catch each other during the fall and not get swept away with false pretense emotions or the idea of love(Ever fall in love with love? I have..).

Sure there are things to do other than sex to keep the tensions down lol, but the point here is that I am going to base my future relationships on this idea, that perhaps the scariest thing in a relationship is to have sex. Why do you think there are condoms, so we do not have children before we are ready. Well why even have to worry about this? Or why even be pressured? When I was younger sex wasn’t even an idea, I was excited enough if you ate some ice cream then kissed me. A simple sensation made extra receptive through that innocence and plain young love/emotion.
Yes I believe whole-heartedly that if you are not sexually compatible it can hinder your true relationships progression. But who is to say you cannot figure out how sexually compatible you are through falling in love before you begin it? What if the simple feeling of love creates compatibility for such an act? Why even use such a strong word as love, what about simple COMFORT with one another?

You can stay in my house leaving a light on when I see when I get home. You can come home knowing I will still look at you with a gleam in my eyes, but this time we are free to be who we were those many years ago, without the infinite odds against us and hormones raging out of control. And even without curfew it gives us a new reason to figure out small things to make the time spent interesting such as: how to sneak in that one last kiss before bedtime.

Ready to take the step with me?
I am.
We will see where it gets me.

The Tickle Kiss

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I am probably going to be tossed out of man society by giving up this “well kept secret”. But let me explain the move that for SOME REASON all guys think is the best icebreaker for a first kiss IN THE WORLD. And by ALL guys I include myself.

I call it the Tickle Kiss.

This is the move where you are awkwardly at a standstill with talking or the date has gone well really well and you are both kinda jonzin(yes I said jonzin) for a kiss, but you cannot get up enough courage just to be rico suave and lean in. You say, “Are you ticklish?”(in a very sinister and and before they get a chance to tell you, you begin to prod and poke looking for it. If you are lucky you find it. First you just do it once as a joke and you both smile. The girl is almost guaranteed to look at you back and say, “Don’t do that again” in a playful tone. This is when the guy will immediately go for the move. He will begin to tickle her until she is in uncontrollable spasm. This usually ends up with the guy overpowering the girl and them ending up in very close proximity or with him on top of her on the floor, on a couch, whatever the tickle gods have deemed necessary for him to continue tickling her as she tries to get away. So for the time being lets say it ends up with him over her on a couch and her leaned up against the armrest of one of the far sides of the couch when he stops tickling her.(that is if she hasn’t pee’d herself) Now their eye meet, and they are close to each other, and BAM KISS!

This is like the fallback, goto, default, first kiss move to do for any first date where you just NEED TO but don’t know how.

There are a few exceptions though which makes for a dry evening and the guy usually taking a moral hit, but often guys will ask you the following questions and make some of these statements prior to the first date. Mind you these questions/statements seem innocent enough but they have a deeper meaning than you expected! Are you ticklish? Where are you ticklish? I’ll find out where you are ticklish! I’m gonna jump you and tickle you to death! (aka I am going to jump on top of you tickle you until we are so close, if we don’t kiss it just isn’t meant to be)

And if you are NOT ticklish oh man you have just made the guy go into panic mode! Not only can he not take over an argument or conversation by tickling you, which usually ends up with a kiss to make it better, but he cannot make his first move with the Tickle Kiss.(way to fuck that up ladies!)

What still confuses me, is the GIRLS ALWAYS ACT AS IF THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED. As if they are not onto our little device for kiss timez! We kiss them after the tickle kiss and when we pull away the girl AND the guy say the same thing, “Oh I’m sorry” with a wicked grin on their faces, acting as if they didn’t expect it. And then usually if all is kosher they kiss again. Now I am not saying these are not amazing moments of goodness but it is still fun to think about how it all plays out. I guess sometimes we just NEED to really have those moments of cheese to make the days go by. So bring on some more cheese I say!

Even if it was just for a moment.

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In that moment on the porch, thinking of everything that had just happened, I also had a strange realization that love, can diminish. It is strange to know you loved so strong and then be there when the love is not strong, sure you may have those feelings of love in the sense that you love them and always will, but it isn’t the romantic love, it isn’t the want to touch and be touched love, it is a diminished love, and feels quite weird. So perhaps that is just the difference between true love and just plain old text book love, because now that there was no stigma in the middle, that need to love harder, wasn’t there. (this part should not make sense to anyone btw, just a personal insight outloud) But I suppose the old saying, it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all, may be somewhat true, because in those moments captured on film or others here and there, those snippets of memories that usually make a movie script, that is where it lived the best and breathed life into the relationship, but like all movies, they end, and you can play them over and over again, until you understand just about every part of what worked and what didn’t. And I guess I have figured out and re-established the fact that yes, love was there, but it blanketed a very incompatible future. But hey, Even if it was just for a moment…

The feeling of the chase…

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You can define love in many ways, from ideals to things you find exciting, to things that bring you comfort, or through endless notes on facebook, but there will always be something missing,

I believe I have a sense of what that is. It may be the string which ties all your thoughts and ideas together, slowly weaving through them, attaching them to one another. Not a mythical string, but a actual experience based string, actually traveling through your life and that of another, together, not through monologues or explanations, but through lunch, or a phone call, or the simple pleasures that come from running your nails along their arm as they rest their head onto your chest. For instance take what I have written about the idea of wanting those thoughtless high school nights back, to me that may actually be the material the string is made of and as you begin to knot that feeling of being 14 again around the ideas you have thought of or pictured in your mind. You begin to feel what it is like to get all the pieces of a very scattered puzzle to come together.

You chase the string like the chase of a relationship as it knits its way through all the different ideas, sometimes even missing and grabbing the ideas of the person you have met.

Sometimes we need to FEEL like we are teenagers again in the very basic sense, where our own age in our minds becomes that of a pubescent adolescent, which honestly, when do we NOT feel that anyway, we don’t age mentally as much as we think we do.. anyway I digress, if we apply that to what we know now and how we have grown, allowing us to actually enjoy the ride, what an awesome ride it can be.

Our own lives and inhibitions we have built up to protect ourselves and those around us from the society we are a part of can stop us from just living in a moment. We want we, we need, we feel blah blah. But whatever happened to just waiting till the next time you SEE the person. It is often missed with the millions of options we have these days to communicate and we fall in love with ideas written on paper, not applied interactions. I mean obviously, chase or no chase, I feel there is something very cool about just knowing the other person may be thinking of you and if not, there is no harm no foul. As a song lyric said the best,

“On my heart remains a trace
All that I seek is this moment
All day in my mind I recreate
If there was a way to get back
This feeling of the chase…”

So what does it mean? I dunno. All I know is it is nice to see some of the ideas I have written down and analyzed in my head making a little more sense, not as a plotted out plan, or as THIS IS HOW IT IS, and more of a left and right turn on a very windy road of intrigue. Cause they are moments I wrote down in my life when my brain thought to write it and not every bit of me, but smaller bits of who I think would be cool to be. But they never really had a shape, more of a giant pile of HOLY SHIT THAT IS A LOT OF “DEFINITE”, if anyone reads it as WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR, because holy shit that must come off as me asking to be married on day 1, when in actuality I am learning they were probably just experiences I was expressing from things I have seen, heard, experienced. It is the road through some of them that is exciting.

We are all unique people in our own way, and it is important to be able to figure out through interaction if we will ever be able to scratch the surface of the other person, because we all hold onto who we are strongly and it is hard to figure out if the other person: A. Will be able to figure you out, and B. Not invade our lives so we or they become more important than everything we have worked on to be the adult we have wanted to be since we were 7 and a “half” years old. So a balance between the childish feeling and the need to actually be an “adult”

So I plan on just driving the road like I did when I first got my license, FOR THE FUN OF IT, with no clear defined destination, racing down streets familiar, not afraid to get a lost every now and again, music blasting, windows open, cigarette blazing
.

The notebook, OVER THE TOP, or obtainable?

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It isn’t that you cannot find love like that in a movie as over the top as the Notebook, it is just that is won’t play out like a movie, quickly and only those moments. So instead of being afraid of romance or using words like ‘cheesy’ when it happens, why not enjoy the moments as much as you can, because you never know when the next one will be. Not to mention the more you make someone feel stupid for thinking in a romantic way, the more numb they become to wanting or even thinking of doing it.

Don’t believe me? Ask your girlfriend the last time a guy did something super memorable or romantic for her. Maybe 1 out of 25 gets a romantic gesture. Girls seem to get how to do it a bit more but seem to do it less sporadically, more for special occasions like a birthday.

GUYS, all you have to do is listen to her when she talks. The smallest word out of her mouth incorporated into a moment can be the most romantic day of your life.

GIRLS, stop making fun of guys if they are romantic, because you are full of shit if you don’t like it a little bit. True there is such thing as too much, but until it is TOO MUCH, perhaps you should just enjoy it?

I suppose we have to fit roles. And if a girl sees you are romantic they automatically think you are THAT role. Wish people would look at each other like Trees. If you cut to the core, you will see the rings of life and understand there is much more than just the ONE ring you can see at that moment.

Anywhooo
…

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