Without a cigarette I reach into the air for nothing. I feel like I miss my moments of calm in my mind, the forcing of my brain to take a break. The clarity of a night sky out the window cigarette in hand. The forcing of me to see the outside. I finish dinner and automatically get to walk outside to digest with smoke.
I go home and get excited to sit at my window and smoke a cigarette.
Without it I feel better, I hope I haven;t done enough damage already that I will die from a cancer related indecent then I think, what is life but to enjoy the world around us, why can’t we just enjoy the cigarettes and not care? I suppose you can, but I can’t.
And it sucks, it is a big part of my calm. It helps with my anxiety. Although it fills it too. But with a cigarette I know I always have that “socially” acceptable escape from people without needing to just walk outside for air.
Electronic cigarettes don’t work either cause I’m allergic to the ingredients. Blah.