Each Snowflake is Different…
It is on snowy days like these that my past relationship drives a dagger deep into my heart, scratch that, twists the knife that was put there already and slowly working its way out. I guess I saw a lot further than was feasible. I saw a predicted snowy and cold winter but instead of buying salt and shovels, I bought scarves and hot chocolate. I was truly excited about an extreme winter. Screw the cold, the arctic vortex’s, the snow… I had someone to lay next to. Someone who I could stare at in the morning while the blurred snow flakes from the window behind the bed fell in a rhythm. Sitting there watching her eyes move from the dreams she would be happening, feeling the heat of her body, and being pushed up closer to her by my two little furry friends on my right.
Those eyes and lips. They were beautiful. They were kissable. They had emotion. That picture it painted, the picture I didn’t need my camera to capture, the simple memory of the moment, knowing it would be there again and again. But perhaps there is something to a personal muse for my photography, being able to capture the, what are now fleeting moments.
Then arguments start with myself to get out of bed, go on with my day regardless of the heat and affection all around me. But I loved knowing later that night, I had something better than radiator heating to look forward to in my bed. A warm body, a kiss, and her subtle wiggle when I pulled the covers over us that pushed her into me slightly more than I could establish, hand on her boob as I fell asleep.
So instead of walking around and seeing a beautiful snowy day, I see a day that was lost to, once again, a poor choice in someone truly willing to be open with me, truly willing to “for good and bad” with me. Someone who was more worried about the worth than the value. So I am sorry if I want this winter to be over desperately. I hate spring and summer. I love fall. If I could live in fall all year, I would be so happy. But I sit here waiting for the first sunlight to melt away the crystallized memories. For the wind to shift and stop the beauty outside, the snow, the ultimate equalizer for the world. Making it quiet and forcing you to be there with the person you loved. But now it forces me to be with my thoughts. While I embrace this and I look to heal, it doesn’t make it hurt less.
Loved. It is amazing how quickly that can turn into past tense. So do I think the snow is beautiful? Of course! I love it. But I would have “loved” it more if she was here to weather it with me. Actually… I wouldn’t have, it would have been a terrible winter. But it reminds me of how much I yearn for that connection with someone who can turn a cold winter into a warm embrace.