I get a strange feeling that I never really understood how to “maintain” friends. Sure I know people… but I don’t have that close group of people that call and text me to come out on Friday nights or stop by from time to time. Is that a bad thing? I had that when I was younger but then I left for California made new friends, mostly work friends since it was a new place, then I left that and came back, some of the old friends were gone, etc etc.. I dunno I feel like I have close friends who live miles away, but is that enough for them to care if I went to the hospital or died? Is it weird to be thinking about the fact that I don’t want a funeral with just relatives at this age lol. Ok back to being HAPPY SMILEY TRISTAN! lol Needed a moment of morbid.

I dunno sometimes I picture myself as this antisocial reclusive, when in reality I thrive in situations where there are 1000 people around me all talking at once. I have a great sense of awareness in situations that are overwhelming haha. I have those people in my life that are my life friends, but we don’t talk till one of us gets married or has a big life moment. Plus I do seem to put a lot of time in front of a computer and the world of 0’s and 1’s so even though I don’t interact in person as much as I used to, I do it through this box of wizardry. I have trouble accepting people as CLOSE friends as well because I have VERY strong opinions of people who “get it” or “have your back”. 

I also feel as though smoking was one of those things that forced me out of my bubble. It gave me an acceptable even though unacceptable way to interact more. Being that I don’t drink, hate bars, and think sports are dumb unless you play them or have awesome commercials to watch like the superbowl… It makes it hard to connect with people on that level of “Lets just hang”. When I was young even when I had that group of friends that we were out every minute of our lives or we felt like we were wasting an evening, it was to find girls. Haha. That doesn’t work as well these days, because “finding girls” very much revolves around paying for drinks and going to places that don’t promote the “finding” part very well other than a cat and mouse game session. 

California was the worst for that though, as going out meant standing and looking pretty and putting up a facade for the night. Here at least we sweat in humidity and dance. 🙂 

But yeah… I suppose I just don’t feel NORMAL sometimes and NORMAL seems kinda nice from time to time.

(Oh to clarify I REFUSE to start smoking again, even if 5 months in my brain STILL wants it. I refuse to have an upset stomach every night just so I can eat a little more junk food without worrying and the social aspects of it.)

I look at some of the ways people get by today and look at the younger generation 18-22. And their life is so interesting to me, yet so far out of my grasp haha. It is funny cause I don’t see them as younger anymore I see them as me. So that is confusing as well. Seeing what people do to pass their time, especially since it is sooo in your face with youtube and the internet. It looks soo doable and feels right yet when you REALLY look at it you realize that is NOT who you are and not how you want to do things… It isn’t such a huge gap but it feels like lightyears difference.


The other weird thing about it all is the feeling that even if you “connect” these days(mostly talking about girls with this one), they will read your writing either one of two ways: 1: You are making it up as a formula for getting them to fall for you because how else would you have such similar feelings and beliefs. 2: You talk too much and now they think they know all there is to know about you, because why would anyone be more than 1 dimension, when in reality what you wrote is only a small thought from a small moment of your day.

That is super frustrating since my writing is something I like to share, but it is a hit or miss with that. And when it hits it usually has repercussions.  But when someone will actually TAKE THE TIME to meet me in person they usually will see me for me and not the internet persona people seem to put others into these days. Problem I find there is that usually ends up with me feeling unsatisfied as I have been trying so hard to defend who I am, that they have gotten a free pass to not tell me anything about themselves. So now that they like what they see, they forget that they too have to put in some effort to show me who they are.

And on another completely different side note, I guess I also feel like I lost a lot of inspiration in my writing because I can’t seem to see past some of the darker stuff. And I am used to writing about the hopeful parts of life. Writing with enthusiasm, instead of angst. I feel like people will read my downer moments as complaints rather than a moment where I too feel depressed, sad, or lonely at times.

Ok, anyway… at this point I am just rambling off to get it down on paper. My bad haha.

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