As someone with anxiety I understand the importance of comfort in a new space or environment. So I try to make my space as welcoming with as many of life’s comforts as possible. You should see my bathroom: Fans for sound, smelly things, shower stuff, candles, extra toilet paper(the soft kind!), you name it!
Not only that the lighting is warm and inviting. The chairs are comfy, the sheets are soft, the temperature is appropriate, the bed is softer than a baby butt!
I want you to go in my fridge and grab food or snacks if you need them. I show you where everything is so you feel at home. Because I know when I am at someone else’s place I often miss the comforts what one may call a “safety blanket” i.e. my home.
So while I end up doing all of this to make you comfortable in my space, when I start to be taken advantage of in my own space, be it plans changing, being disrespectful of the space, there is a certain time where I need to look to myself and go, OK, I have worked X hard to make sure they are comfortable, are they doing the same for me? Often I realize, people are just not as respectful of the comfort level difference between being in your own space and being in your own space with someone else.
So when someone starts to make you feel uncomfortable in your own space by ignoring the effort you go to to make sure they are comfortable that is when things become shitty. Changing plans last minute, when you may have had to re-arranging your own life to make things work is one example. Finishing work early, working late hours so you can spend more time with them, only to have them tell you “I am going to wing it” last minute kinda fucks with your head and your efforts applied to making them comfortable and maximizing time together. Complaining about the cold when maybe they smoke and you ask them not to hotbox your house and do it out the window since they will get arrested on the street. Not cleaning up after themselves especially if for you keeping a clean home is important(and perhaps not your forte) but even more so if you clean specifically harder for when someone comes over. I mean how hard is it to not leave the next day without washing your glass or leaving your tea cup on the window sill or in the sink?
It seems small and neurotic when typed out loud. But it is about respecting the fact that someone is comfortable enough with you and excited enough to invite you into their space for an extended period of time, regardless of how it changes the space for them(we are not talking one night stands here). So unless we are at the point where we are both watching weekend long binges of netflix in our underwear with chinese food boxes on our naked bodies, a little courtesy goes a long way.
Comfort goes both ways, and I guess I just really need someone who is conscious not only of the effort that someone makes to accommodate their needs but does the same in return.