These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Category: Journal Entries (Page 3 of 6)

The de-pressurization of my brain.

I haven’t drank in many years. By drink I mean been drunk or even buzzed for that matter. At a certain point in my life my body chemistry changed and rejected all alcohol and illegal substances I put in my system by causing me to get a panic attack. Then when I was on a small medication for the panic attacks the medication battled it with depression. SOOOOO needless to say I stay away from alcohol pretty much all the time now. I am yet to be in a situation where I feel comfortable by the people around me to take the chance to really dive into it again. Someone who isn’t out to get smashed but just be there and alcohol is the pleasant company. Even explaining the above is difficult and I am sure will be read differently by all. Say “medication” anything and people freak out in all the wrong directions. Also say you don’t drink and you are an alcoholic specially if you try to back it up with “OH MAN DID I USED TO” lol..

Don’t get me wrong I can kick it like anyone else at a party, it just means I have less headaches and can drive home.

But I miss it. I miss the people, the situations, and the mental chill it would give me. Well today for the first time I actually drank enough to give me a semi hazey feel. The warm sensation before a buzz and WAY before being drunk, I guess my tolerance is shot to shit after many years of no drinking. I managed to slur a couple of sentences and get distracted by deep concentration on trivial things making me look like a complete dumb ass yet feel a familiar sensation inside that gave me comfort. The de-pressurization of my brain.

So after passing out when I got home, I woke up at around 12am hungry and decided to go to the supermarket. I was so hazy I actually took my time and enjoyed walking the aisles to get my shopping done, txting here and there as it was 12 am and the store was empty, no rush to get anything done or move out of the way.

I then made my way to the parking lot where the smells in the air and the sounds around me just brought me back to moments back home. And for some reason in California lately, there has been seasons. And right now it feels like spring/summer on the East coast with moist air and a stagnant gonna rain feel with a slight mist.

So with the mixture of these sensations with the old feeling of that pre-drunken haze, I decided to stand there for a bit and just soak it in. I remembered back to the times when me and my friends would make a diner run after a long night of drinking. I remember the tunnel vision is caused where the only important thing was “doing” and “eating” at the moment. The doing being with my friends and going out even though it was late. Mmmm the hot chocolate at the diner and cheese sticks!

This has all come at a strange time where me and my sis re-opened a website we had running when I was in college with all my friends from growing up and family members. It is just like it used to be except we all live in different places now. We all act like the kids we are and we don’t judge past a simple opportunity to make fun of each other.

So even in this completely different environment where I was shopping for my own groceries as an “adult” I felt like I was that kid going to the diner with my friends, although now on my own and mainly seeing them on this website.

But you take all of those together and it made for one hell of a night where I chose to just take my time, breath in the air, enjoy what I felt and saw, and then return home. The feeling dispersed rather quickly thereafter and now that I have finished some food I am loosing it more and more.

I hope sometime in the future I will figure out how to get that pressure release valve back in my life without causing turmoil with the rest of my body as drinking or the occasional joint would give me. Because what I realized most tonight, is I don’t ever just walk and be. I often get too caught up in needing to get it done.

You are like a bird, now STFU.

So we all know what Twitter is.

If you do not here is a wonderful flash animation to explain it to you in truth:
Wonderful Twitter Flash Animation, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN2HAroA12w

Now that that is out of the way, I want to bitch not about Twitter, because I actually use it to update 3 sites at one time and that is damn useful.

But for those who update the fucking thing over 10,000 times a day I still have no problem with you.

But for those who do ALL OF THE ABOVE and refuse to RESPOND to anyone and have 18712831893 followers because they are female or talk about boobs, those people, I want to die…

Kinda like this animation:
Wonderful Kill People who Twitter Animation, http://www.y8.com/animation/Facebook_Twitter

Now with that out of the way. Who the HELL are you TALKING TO and WHY if you are not going to interact with them if they respond to your TWEET?! And seriously, who gives a rotten shit if you are doing laundry or showering everyday, whilst this may be good for a boyfriend to know if he thinks you smell or might be dirty, if you do NOT tweet it should we be scared?!?

It isn’t even like you are self reflecting on your day. Last i checked txting on your phone was more of a “holy shit I want to tear my limbs from my body and beat the words into this stupid tiny ass keyboard or number keys” not “oh wow, this txt is bringing me insight and foresight on my life and those around me, how I wish I could txt and the time and forget the trivial things in my life!”

-End

Addition: not only is it a false sense of being heard. It is like when the cool kid signs on to a messenger, and ignores everyone unless it benefits them.
Now they have a third layer of protection against any type of interaction.

I am starting to believe or like more and more the idea of predetermined fate…

I think that predetermined fate, or moments that are in your life that feel as though you did a certain series of moves to get to, and they just magically fit a certain way is a bit true. The idea that your choices combines with the choices others made that day, all on the same time lines, will eventually collide.

However, I feel as though these moments and these rumbling feelings in your stomach and mind when it all just fits, are made by the more you interact with the world around you. They cannot just happen, and as much as predetermined is nice to think about, I think we also need to learn how to “bend time” to guide our time lines to those who will make us happiest. The hardest of all traits to learn one would have to believe, because everyday your mind resets, and every day you are tired upon waking, and everyday there is something to distract you from perhaps pushing where you needed to push.

To sit back and just BE, is one thing, but to push into the world beyond all defenses, perhaps mine would be, the internet. The idea that talking just over a block of text scares me. The idea that I feel that the FIRST date or one sit down to coffee, or one phone call, solidify-s to the person I am talking to who I am and if they wish to continue to talk to me, instead of leaving it up to the fate of a misinterpretation remark in writing, where you fingers must flutter faster than your thoughts to make amends but you only end up fighting your own thoughts, garbling your ideas, and finally throwing in the towel and being an ass. Perhaps this is where my push begins and I start to have more life lines cross my own and I too can feel the breathtaking feeling of fate. Of predetermined non objective movements all placing the pieces down on th table to form as the bus I will just miss on the way to work, when I cross the street.

Or perhaps I will need to miss the bus a few times before I get it right, and feel the angst of being late for work.

Let’s just hope the bus doesn’t hit me 😛

Watch the movie The Go-Getter to see a very happy version of this idea.

(FACEBOOK COMMENTS)

Holly Taylor

Holly Taylor

What about the movie “Sliding Doors”?
June 1, 2009 at 5:02am ·
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

Well, you seem to have inadvertently segregated this note into two separate thoughts. (Interesting, since I was planning on posting a similar note myself this week.)

1. I do believe that a pre-determined Fate of sorts exists. It’s easy to get restless in life when you distract yourself from what you know instinctively that you *should* be doing… See More… Like, you’re not pushing yourself in the direction you inherently know your life is supposed to go. There’s a cute little quip where someone says, “God, I know I’m supposed to win the lottery! Help me win it!” To which God replies, “Sure, I”ll help you, but purchase the damn lottery ticket first!”

Of course, it’s not actually talking about religion, but rather how we do have to help ourselves along our pre-determined Fate. This goes with yesterday’s note about life experiences… We gain experiences along the way to Fate that help us reach the ultimate goal. If we refuse to learn… or keep distracting ourselves… we end up “not

June 2, 2009 at 12:18am ·
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

pushing where you needed to push.”

2. Is it possible that a block of text is able to help us know people in ways that we couldn’t know someone in person? You know I’m full of closets of secrets (hehe), and very few people who know me in person realize this… but, for me, I can better define myself in a block of text to a stranger than when first meeting someone in person. I think we all want to share our vulnerable side… and text boxes make it less frightening. If I could recount the reactions I’ve gotten from people when I’ve disclosed my little closet of secrets to someone in person before online… *sigh*

That text box enables you to know a person more thoroughly than by just seeing someone’s prim and proper side in person…. See More

With that said, however, there does have to be a balance of interpersonal interaction… You can like the deep thoughts of a person’s mind, but totally not relate to the facade with which they present themselves to the world.

June 2, 2009 at 12:24am ·
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

… and I’d really hate to see what type of note would come of you watching the documentary “A Walk to Beautifull.” 😛
June 2, 2009 at 12:24am ·
Gene Pope

Gene Pope

ummm…. urp… excuse me I was eating a sanwich… was u saying anything/??
June 3, 2009 at 7:52pm ·
Jennifer Waite

Jennifer Waite

I think I believe in Fate…except when I don’t ;P It’s hard to know for sure, but I definitely believe in the impact we all have on our collective world and lives, even when we don’t realize it….very interesting 🙂 And I enjoy your ‘blocks of text’…they give me a glimpse of your thoughts, somewhat unfiltered and spontaneous. Unless you’re … See Moresitting there editing it three times before you submit it, but hopefully not. It’s cathartic and social to get your thoughts and points of view heard by others… Who cares if you occasionally think you sound like an ass….every now and then you may also see brilliance.
June 3, 2009 at 11:29pm ·

The 2-5 year gap. CONFIRMED

See I love technology

TO A POINT

Then I get frustrated with it and miss the interaction

You know, the “tangible” beyond a keyboard interaction where the sound of the persons voice acts as the playlist of music playing on my itunes.

Explanation of title:
I am 25. anyone 23 and younger and as pointed out to me from a new buddy, usually a 5 year gap of time for more frequency, was born into the generation where AIM and TXTS made more sense. And even though the gap is soo little, we fight each other hard when we meet, and clash hard when it comes to ideas of interaction. I always get yelled at by people for saying, YOU ARE NOT THAT MUCH OLDER, but god that 2 – 5 year gap, feels like forever when it comes to this stuff.

I feel like my Dad probably felt when playing video games vs me, where I was the natural and he used to be but now had to learn it differently because his brain had required itself for the umpteenth time due to life.

I love it, bring on tomorrow!

I remember when a cell phone was amazing because of it’s main function, THE PHONE.

The Random Musings of My Last Few Weeks, in no particular order…

I feel like today’s technology is allowing our self conscious self to prevail. It allows us to hide in a world of news bites, fast txts, and never really stray from the people who bump into us in life that are not in front of us. You would think technology would open you up to the world, but in turn it just closes us down into a smaller path and region.

I had recently signed up for a dating site and there was a character limit of 1000. You would think, MORE than enough to answer a question, but for me I saw it as if a teacher just told me I had to write a paper that was 100 words and it seemed impossible, but obviously I saw it impossible in the opposite idea that 1000 was too little.

I guess when someone asks you a question like how did you get your job, you should have a formulaic way to say it. But the mystery of my thought is I never really say the same thing twice. I always respected comedians because they can go up and spout jokes without interaction. For me I would need to walk into a room, talk to the people for a little, then get on stage and have an open comedic routine where there was interaction to even make it past 5 minutes.

I rant, I joke, and I am sarcastic but I need the inspiration behind it to really feel passionate about it.

People often question my intentions when I write, or why I do it. I have yet to be able to answer this one, but I do know it helps me, not them, to remember what I was thinking at a certain time. Maybe little cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

I will write into my writing moments where it is not cryptic and I want the reader to get it but I go in and out of foreign language often. Perhaps it is easy to understand the words, but only I get the colored painting of it.

Everyone of my last relationships has ended because “love” was enough for them. “Love” is the beginning of opening up the rest of your life. It lifts the weight of trying to find the unattainable life goal so you can do other things magical with the love, the person you have found, and your life in general. It is not the end. I mean if you became rich you wouldn’t think of it as the end you would think of it as the beginning of a lot of new cool shit.

But how does one expect to love if they shrug off someone’s explanation of their day as a daily routine and never interact. You cannot JUST BE and FEEL, because eventually there is nothing to FEEL or BE.

Why can’t people adapt the European culture for its good parts and be able to actually BE with someone, to actually INTERACT, not shit useless info at each other hoping it sticks, but not caring if it doesn’t. I mean even the personal space boundaries there are different than here. Someone will sit right next to you past your personal space buffer and listen to you speak and speak within that bubble as well. And no one thinks twice. Relationships have more room to grow when you take down the amount of room you need to be comfortable. It is natural to want all the answers and know about another person. But we hold a grudge if someone tries too soon. Why must there be a time limit on it.

Where there is love there is risk, and where there is risk there is selflessness, and where there is selflessness there is wisdom. I was told that I would eventually turn sour if I kept giving everything I had to people who were not right for me. Sure it may wear on me, but goddammmit I refuse to believe I have to be different in order to keep my self preservation alive, which is already in place, just in a different place than some people around me.

To me that is the most important thing to find in a significant other. Someone who understands the risks of telling all, yet they do it anyway, because risk can kiss their ass.

I believe knowing someone’s strengths is an insight to their weakness, and while we only have our own experiences to help guide people past them, we cannot expect what worked with us to work on anyone else. It is important to adapt your own experiences into guidance, otherwise you become the father and I become the rebelling child, wondering why you are so damn oldschool.

I remember when phones were cool because they were PHONES, not txt boxes to hide behind the idea of busy. When in reality if we want it, we make time. But instead, we put as little effort forward as possible and just take what comes to us and call it being patient.

But we all know we only give time for those things important to us. And in the end, BUSY only means what we want it to mean. Sure there is REAL busy, but there are ways to overcome it to still give some of yourself. I guess we can only hope that it is reciprocated as much, because sometimes it takes everything we have to give it.

I heard this the other day: “people suck, guys are pigs, girls are objects,” Why is it that when someone puts themselves out there and it doesn’t work, they then think.. hmmm let me post things that obviously are ridiculous statement because I am hurt… Why not just go in with the idea that hey this could work, and when it doesn’t you go hmmm, it didn’t work.. then BAM move to the next candidate. We hold too much of a grudge against ourselves for relationships. It is soooo important to give it your all every time. Would you NOT give it your all to become famous if you had the chance, or to win a million dollars? Why should love be any different? We wouldn’t say it is stupid to be rich if we didn’t get rich… We wouldn’t say it is stupid to be famous if we didn’t get famous… Break our own shells of self consciousness and enjoy the shit the world throws at us.

Then we have the idea that guys are making girls stupid:
Guys feed into girls being slutty bitches
and so girls go
“ooo guys like this”
and then guys goo
“oo girls like when im an asshole”
and then girls go
“wait I don’t like assholes”
then guys go
“wtf you said you wanted an asshole”
and then girl continues to be a slut but leaves guy a and so guy a looks for girl b to be an asshole to
until the cycle repeats
thus dumbing down the population

Then I have noticed, the people who seem to know themselves soo well, through self exploration and development, who tell you immediately, WHO THEY ARE, usually are the furthest thing from that in reality. Is it because it is so easy to be this bit of information on the internet we assume we are what we are blogged as? So we forget in reality perhaps we need want and are something different.

I am not happy with this one but am posting it anyway because I am “enter” happy.

P.S. I love singing to myself in the shower. The echo keeps me calm… I dunno it is my thing… Oh and I love baths.

It definately was no ordinary store window.

Sometimes it is nice to re-connect with people from earlier in our lives. I kinda hope everyone could have had the roller coaster love that I had when I was younger. The kind where every song was your song, every moment was from a movie, and every breakup felt like a tragic comedy of your life.

Moments lumped so quickly together you would break down in tears and not even know why. Crazy adventures before the realities of life were a thought in your mind. A time when your body hadn’t changed and you were strong enough to take on any challenge or stupid choice you made.

The ability, like a small child, to bounce when dropped. The option to cry or not, because it hurt, honestly not knowing what pain meant yet.

These are sometimes nice things to remember.

Although sometimes distance and time can force you to try to re-open these times and they can leave you very unhappy, but I think we all need to re-visit those moments once or twice before we can just be happy knowing they existed.

I did it, and facebook and the same phone number since I was 18, kept it alive long enough to run its course.

So I looked forward to each message today, and the fact that we are not going to need to fall in love again, but just immediately jump back into the good, bad, and extremely ugly moments of that time. Where have no inhibition toward each other and just talk freely. I am sure the currently boyfriends and girlfriends do not appreciate it, but hey, it is still funny in a dark humored way.

Plus sometimes it is nice to remember what it felt like to finally get that kiss, or to mess it up so bad even before it started, causing it to jump start harder than it would have before. To remember the smells of your old colognes/perfumes or the people who were involved in your life, for better or worse.

The little moments you shared in the snow, with a candle, or waking up to her at the foot of your guest bed with her mother down the hall. The outfits she wore that were perfect in your eyes, and the opinions we thought we had of each other.

It is not the feelings of that which usually accompany seeing people back from highschool, when you can gauge your success or looks vs theirs and how it “used to be” but just remembering what it used to be plainly.

(If you are curious about the title: http://www.craftingworlds.com/studio/?p=46)

(comments from facebook)

Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

The most amazing thing about people that you’ve had a history with is that you cannot bullshit them. You grew up with her, grew to know her, and grew with her… I’m convinced that friendships formed during youth are much stronger than those formed as adults. As a child, you have no inhibitions about coming across as an utter ass… it just … See Morehappens naturally. There’s a bond formed with growing pains.

I think it’s awesome that you’ve reconnected with one of the first girls you met. It reminds you now of how far you’ve come as a person, and gives you the opportunity to giggle at the stupid shit you did back then. (And, I’m certain you did plenty of it– don’t deny it! hah)

I think that life likes to circle around every few years or so… We all keep having the same life lessons, but the goal is to grow and learn from our past mistakes. Maybe reconnecting with her will reinforce the lessons you’ve learned…

May 18, 2009 at 9:29pm ·
Caroline Comerford

Caroline Comerford

Wow…I couldnt have put it better myself! You truly have a gift there Memphis.
May 19, 2009 at 12:08pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

I seem to remember you having a little bit of talent in the words department too sway. 😛
May 19, 2009 at 1:51pm ·

Hark!!! Thou Shalt Be-eth Woo’d

So I found an OLD OLD OLD conversation when I was 12. The days when I had AOL was something a bit different. I remember the feeling that you could be ANYTHING or ANYONE on this new toy. Albeit I am definitely fucking the Shakespearean language into the ground with this conversation and this is really not very impressive, I was 12 and I figured with all this talk of love in my notes lately, I would post an old conversation I had with someone. I suppose I wanted to show them, I was not “that guy”. And ya know, it was weird, but it worked.. lol Perhaps in its own way, even though it murdered the language, the truth. Of course in a very hormonal, trying to be older than I was, romantic 12 year old way. But it was nice non the less to be able to talk to people who probably would pass you over in a crowd in such a way that made you different. It also felt good to be able to say what you wanted because it were almost as if you were the fool with this language. It made a separation of reality and fiction. Because I was talking in a different language almost (yes I know I killed it) it allowed me to say much more of the truth than you normally could. Like the fool in a Shakespearean play, using jests to speak the truth, but no one will believe him because he is the fool, so they laugh. This was me using a language to connect with people older than me, because even though it could be taken as canny, in all jokes and mostly in most sarcasm there is a hint of truth that rings true.

Hockeypuc was my screen name lol

HockeyPuc6: If thou shall not speakith to thy thy shall consume the position of eternal rest.

GIRL: i want you now but i can’t have you

HockeyPuc6: thy shall seek mercy on your oh so tender heart and thy shall live for just a plain trip to the mall with thou.

HockeyPuc6: If thou dismays my requests thy shall have a heart of eternal sorrow!

GIRL: oh ye baby that’s why i want you there djfkldjfjdkjkjfkjdj you are soo cute , that’s really romatic even if you are kidding Jessica says this!!

HockeyPuc6: Who is this maiden thou talks of. Jessica thou calls her. Thou’s name rings in my ears like the sound of singing from the beautiful humming bird in the sky.

GIRL: are you taking this out of a book?

HockeyPuc6: Thy would take a sword in thys heart to save the life of this wonderful yet mysterious maiden(and no this is not out of a book)

GIRL: sorry for leaving you i messed up

HockeyPuc6: Thou hears of another name yet ringing from the south. It is what thou calls Jennifer. It is majestic and lovely in many wonderful ways.

GIRL: o.k. i know you love me

HockeyPuc6: Thys love for you can not be expressed through words nor through actions. Thy’s love is so deep thou could not cut through it with the power of the gods called on from the heavens. Though can not live without thee. Will thou take my hand in eternal togetherness?

HockeyPuc6: Is thou still there.

GIRL: wow!!! how do you come up with this?

HockeyPuc6: Thy has a heart that can express thy’s feelings only in love for the ones that men the world to Thy! Thy loves and Thy weeps but not in sorrow but with happiness filling Thy’s heart.

GIRL: ;-[

HockeyPuc6: what is thous meaning by that majestic yet strange figure in the far of distance.

HockeyPuc6: (the face)

GIRL: it means that i was cryiny!!!

HockeyPuc6: Has thy made thou sad. Or is it the beautiful sorrow of happiness.

GIRL: its thou sorrrow of happiness beheld by my hand

HockeyPuc6: Thou speaks of the true love that is beheld in the hearts of every soul of the lands. Thou must search deep inside the depths of thous heart to find the meaning of LOVE!

GIRL: good

HockeyPuc6: Thys love grows deeper ever moment. It has a never ending depth and can be called unto at any time. That is the trueness of thy’s love for thou.

HockeyPuc6: If thou will love Thy in the ways that thy loves tho than the love of eternity will be Grasped forever in the heavens.

HockeyPuc6: The End

Maybe this is why I find instant messengers and txt’s to be so disconnected. Because for me, this was a way to escape late at night when it was no longer allowed for you to be out at night. This was a way of extending an already awesome night. It wasn’t the way to say hello, and figure out who someone was. It was like a coffee after desert.

Will I experience that life? Will I be able to close the riveting book of my own love?

I have always dreamed of different lives. I often wonder which ones I will experience in my time. And perhaps if the world is a constant thing, where your energy is re-used later on even after death, will I experience it at a later date or have I already experienced hence my yearn to feel those lives. This is not to say, my life is boring or I am not enjoying it, it is just the idea that other aspects of all sorts of ways of passing time in life intrigue me. From the simplest to the most complex.

My first dream is to live a life of simple needs. A life where money isn’t more than a way to buy groceries and gas. A life where your relationships and the people around you move you from day to day. Where you live a mile from your mother until she leaves you, you by her side. A place where you find love in love itself. Where the person you are with is just with you and you with them. Because there is nothing else but love and living. Where you wake up early because you can, and you don’t feel time other than when you are called to dinner. Perhaps this is on a farm with nothing but your crops, or perhaps it is the life of an artist just making ends meat in New Orleans, never making it to Hollywood, but going to local jazz clubs and coffee shops, just having what you and your friends say to live by. Sitting and talking, quitting job after job, putting on the name tag, until you leave to go home to your small one room flat to lay in the heat with the one you love. Wearing tattered hand me downs, sipping homemade lemonade to fight off the humid heat. Just think of what New Orleans means to you, or Oklahoma. The basic meaning of these words. This is what I mean.

Perhaps an alteration of that is living the life of someone trying so hard to become what you want to, but stopping yourself because you are so used to this life. Where you push soo hard to become something and the person you are with leaves you when they see you are wasting life away on comforts. Yet in the end, you realize, it wasn’t each others dreams you loved, but the situations this caused, and you find each other for the rest of your lives. Selling cereal. (movie reference)

The second life is that where war overrides the daily cultures, social aspects, and meanings of life. Your course is preplanned and you fight toward a common goal. A place where you hold your best friends hand covered in blood, not thinking about the diseases that can be transmitted but about what you are going to tell his/her significant other. Not a place where you need to keep up with the latest technologies or when the next txt message will come in to tell you what to do that night, but you eat pre-heated food and the meaningless pleasure of a bath is like being a king. You smoke cigarettes without the fear of cancer because you can enjoy everything in life as it is handed to you. For all you know tomorrow will be your time. This looming idea of destruction and death makes you live life a way you never knew possible. Even in war though, would I be content just following orders or would I end up pushing to further my place in that hierarchy as well.

The third is a life of glamour. Living each day without a monetary care in the world, but the pressures of the “scene” on your shoulders constantly. Having the ability to be in the bleeding edge of life, because every door opens freely. Battling the fake and reals of life. Unable to leave your house without others wanting to see what you are doing, flashes blinding all moments in your life. But you must sacrifice being with your old friends and family. You must go where you are needed, not by those who brought you into the world, but the new family called your fans. But how do you balance this life and the life you miss. When can you say, I have done enough, I am content, when do you turn down the next script.
The fourth is that of comfort. Finding that thing you are good at, but not being able to push it to the limits or finding that break to be “popular”. Perhapsyou become the self loathing teacher of your passion, the one who never made it. Or perhaps a drone in a cubicle, doing your work at top notch because it all makes sense, and you are always ahead of the curve.

The fifth is the life where you forget yourself. And you live in this life because it brings you the comforts of money, relaxation, stress, and keeping up with the Benjamins next door. You go through the motions of life because your job allows you to.

Or perhaps the last would be just trying ever one of your passions out until you have exhausted all options not really being content or upset. But in a constant motion.

Ultimately, I would like to be able to find someone in my life, who can share these pieces of all lives together. Where you are able to live your dreams, but after you feel content you can settle down in love. You can have a mattress on the floor of an empty house. You can paint the walls together, playfully splashing it over your loved one, turning into a heated passionate moment on that mattress, the one piece of the house that won’t change. Growing together eventually raising a child to grow in your lives with you. I think most importantly is the idea of the photographer living with the model/makeup artist. The lives of those who love each other should feel like a flowing river. Mixing the dirt and sand from the coast, but always ending up in that river. Eventually leading into a circular lake, where the world now begins to fall behind and fills your bed of water without you having to put the efforts of say a first date. Like the idea of my Grandmother using the internet. When it finally got to her, she didn’t need to master it, but it was cool. Living with someone who you look forward to looking at their splashes of paint on the wall, or their work spread all over the bedroom. For me, the artistic approach to life. I want someone who loves the arts equally. All aspects. Better than me in some kinds and me them. This wouldn’t cause friction but pride for their abilities. I have always dreamed of someone who was good at the “Hollywood flat or Soho” feel of life, and it reflected their record player and style. Edgy but with the want and yearn for living life calmer than those who have to go and DO just to feel alive. The appreciation for the quick city as well as the class of the 50’s.

Being able to grow together like this, being able to live your passions and have that other person see you grow and you them, as you both make your lives what you want. Or perhaps you fail or she fails, but either way you have experienced and tried, and have each other to love, and have the painted walls, which your hands bled over as the groundwork for your lives forever.

I know this is not the most articulate piece of writing I have ever written, but I want to get the thoughts out. Just some raw ideas. Perhaps I will revisit this at a later date and pretty it up.

I wonder if one day I will meet that person with smooth pale skin, eyes as blue as 20 steps deeper than man can journey down into the sea. (This is just an example for those red heads out there that think I am creepy, the movie I just saw had someone in it that reminded me of this look which has always had a place in my heart.) I wonder if regardless of what stages in life we are at, if eventually we will meet in the middle. Like the life of Benjamin Button.(as contrived as that movie was, event eh notebook held more water) The man who lived his life from old to young, and met his soul mate when she was in the middle of her life, and for that moment, regardless of the direction both lives are going, that fleeting moment will be perfect, and it will line up. And from that point on, as she grows older and he gets younger, they are destined to live in each other’s lives, no matter what the circumstances. He will always be there for her and she will hold his hand as he forgets to walk. And those fleeting moments they will know they had love.

When that other person in my life passes away or I pass away, I want to know that I have loved, that she was my soulmate and I will never yearn for anything else. My friends will not push me out to meet someone else because they know I only needed that time with her. And now that part of my life, that chapter in my life, is complete. When I see a movie where someone has found true love and they are a young age when one dies, it is hard for me to fathom how they could ever have someone else. If you find perfection, how can you top an already impossible feat. Perfection does not exist, only times in peoples lives lining up.

So you are having a bad day and mine was great, we are on a different time line in life for the moment. My day flew by, yours at a crawl. I hope there will be strength enough to be able to sprint to catch up to each other, or perhaps take a moment to smell the day, and wait for the other. The place where people are in their lives is always scary, because when you live in such a fast paced world where you want to be a part of a big city or fast moving industry, it can be a matter of seconds to lose that chance to see what could have been.

I guess what I am trying to say is there is something intriguing about living like a gypsy, but not unless you have someone with you who you love already, because lets be honest, in real life, gypsies don’t have dental insurance and Hollywood makeup artists. 🙂

(btw if ur tagged it is because I enjoy your feedback, but don’t feel obligated.)

(also normal disclaimer: I just feel the need to get thoughts written out sometimes, most the time these are not MEANT for direct reading by other people, or with that intention, they are written for me to go back to later when I wonder why. I mean it is very true that we all see our stories and lives differently than someone not in our head to see the images that go with the words.)

(comments from facebook)

Mo Hoffman

Mo Hoffman

dude I like reading your essays, a lot of the stuff you write resonates with me as well, exceot you do find a way to put it into words.
May 18, 2009 at 1:44pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Wanna go on a date 🙂 Thanks man hehe
May 18, 2009 at 1:46pm ·
Rosemary Pope-Wallin

Rosemary Pope-Wallin

again, my romantic son…..so like his Mom.
May 18, 2009 at 1:57pm ·
Jun Falkenstein

Jun Falkenstein

You will find that person. It will happen. I didn’t think it would for me, ever. Then I turned 40, and met him, finally. And we both knew it. And so it will, for you, when the time is right. The hard part is the waiting.
May 18, 2009 at 2:33pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Yeah I was just discussing the fine balance of waiting, putting forth effort and not being lazy with relations. Ahh life is funny
May 18, 2009 at 2:36pm ·
Rosemary Pope-Wallin

Rosemary Pope-Wallin

You WILL find someone…..be patient…it is hard. But the way you find someone is when you are not looking for her. And she may not be blond and blue-eyed. Usually everything we think we are looking for changes when we find that someone!
May 18, 2009 at 5:16pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Who wants a specific type of person? Who even knows. It happens whether you like it or not, but to say it will JUST come is to say you will JUST be able to AFFORD food, by JUST sitting. Some effort can go a long way, but too much effort will get the guy next to you to kneecap ya and take yoru spot for the gold for the figure skating champion impressionistic lion king. THE CIRRCLLLE OF LIFFFEEE.
May 18, 2009 at 5:29pm ·
Jun Falkenstein

Jun Falkenstein

Well, there’s effort and then there’s EFFORT. Like being happy in your own self and being open to what the universe brings you, vs. desperately scouring the personal ads 😛
May 18, 2009 at 5:31pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

I find if you read too much into what I say, my writing can be my own fall. My writing is just a moment of thought, a breath if you may. Throughout the day you breath all the time, but sometimes you realize you are breathing and it feels weird. So I write about it. I am not in desperate need for a person in my life, I just enjoy the thought that backs up the idea of it. But thanks MOM lol. I have shared too much, I must now pretend you suck! EWWW MOM!!! *rebels*
May 18, 2009 at 5:32pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Yeah Jun, I agree and disagree. I agree in terms of creepy person. I disagree in that your statement is often taken too much word for word and that is what forms cat and mouse and forces someone to confuse passion for OMG you are creepy because you are showing me emotions in the beginning! I have to be reserved ahhhhhhhh!!!!! European culture seems… See More to reflect the idea of pursuit being ok. Because there is no shun on the idea of “Should I call today or 3 days from now” It is, I am interested, are you interested? Ok lets sit down for coffee, oo this feels nice, or yeah i think we should go separate ways.
May 18, 2009 at 5:36pm ·
Jun Falkenstein

Jun Falkenstein

I know you don’t know me all that well but trust me when I say I know what you are talking about.
May 18, 2009 at 5:37pm ·
Rosemary Pope-Wallin

Rosemary Pope-Wallin

Um….I think I am supposed to feel insulted right about now? What prompted a response like that, may I asK???
May 18, 2009 at 5:57pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Insulted? Now I am confused. I am not looking for a specific type is what i was saying, as you said “blond and blue-eyed”. I also have been discussing the idea of patience. So i was explaining… however you are the mom you should always feel insulted, it comes with the territory 🙂
May 18, 2009 at 5:59pm ·
Rosemary Pope-Wallin

Rosemary Pope-Wallin

♠well, when someone says “I must now pretend you suck. EWWW MOM”…it sounds sort of insulting to me. I KNEW what you were discussing in your thesis!
May 18, 2009 at 6:43pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Lost in txtlation.
May 18, 2009 at 6:51pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

plus I would say that is a healthy mother son relationship 😛
May 18, 2009 at 6:55pm ·
Holly Taylor

Holly Taylor

Jun Falkenstein’s 8:31pm post above rings very true. Working on the self, while being open to others and opportunity….very important.

In my head, living the dream.

I think the most important feature for someone to fall in love with is the other persons face. I don’t say this because of beauty, but because of the way her smile makes you smile, the way her eyes sparkle just for you. That special sparkle that lets you into, them, as a person. Or even as simple as the way their nose crinkles or the lines in their jaw.

In a world where love is defined as a multitude of cultural differences, choices in life, eating habits, and stress levels, the face never changes. The face never lies.

In 100 years if you can picture staring at that person next to you and seeing their beauty through your eyes, you have found love.

Of course, the challenge is finding that beauty you need with a person you are compatible with. But life will change us every day. I am not the same person I was when I was young, nor am I the same person I was yesterday, and while some may consider a marriage in which every ten years you re-evaluate if you fit, I see a mixture.

Someone’s appearance isn’t everything. You can gain and lose weight as quickly as the blink of an eye. Your can cut or grow your hair. Your style fits you when you need it. However, there is an essence in the face, that shows the way a person is. You can see the core of someone’s morals through their face. I have recently draw upon the idea that some of the most successful relationships I have ever seen were when the couple had similar physical traits, mostly in their faces or expressions.

It is kind of like an owner and their dog, just not in a weird beastial way 😛

Perhaps it is the idea that behind all of our self doubt and self consciousness, we are beautiful to ourselves. If we didn’t have some semblance of this, doubts and all, I don’t think we would make it from day to day. So perhaps in a very basic sort of way, we see that one thing we have no control over; the beauty in ourselves through our own eyes and we find that in our perfect match. And perhaps that same thing that controls that part of our subconscious is a part of what makes our minds run the way they do and hard codes us with the choices we will make, and the paths we decide to travel. If we go after those who grab us not for the makeup and eyeliner, but the pure, simplistic, animalistic, unabated beauty, we may find love for the rest of our lives.

It is hard to say beauty is within, when our first impressions are usually without. So why not go with that first gut reaction, because if you make sacrifices to your own feelings, you may end up in love with the idea of love itself and not the person next to you.

Who knows, maybe the simple way you can stare into their eyes, is actually a mental pheromone which shows you a similar path you are both going to journey down, a compatibility unseen until you jump in. That simple sparkle may act as a light to guide the way, for both of you.

Another Life Decision, that caused Analysis of Everything in my Life Currently.

Writing has always been a comfort for me. When I get the urge to write it often takes hours or days for me to actually sit down and begin my path across the keyboard. I usually have a bunch of ideas I want to relate and then they begin to pile up until I am overwhelmed by the idea of actually sitting down and writing about them all. But perhaps it is better to write about them all at once instead of trying to make them separate pieces of time.

I spent the better majority of this weekend watching movies. I went and rented as many of the movies out there that looked very go lucky, happy, over the top retarded.  There is always a common theme in those types of movies, a love interest.

I guess for me I can watch a movie and forget about my life and be happy in the lives of those that I watch. Feel their love, understand their happiness, and then relate it to the idea of them being real people off the screen.

I often wonder what it would be like if it were me on that screen.

I graduated a theatre major and I never told anyone through my 4 years of college what I wanted to do with my life when I graduated.  Part of that had to do with my dislike for the people who walked around explaining their right to fame.  I guess there were a few reasons for this; One I was terrified of failing, I didn’t want to explain my extreme want for fame on the movie screen because then there was a bigger chance for failure in the eyes of those I told, and it became about them and not something for me. The second reason was to not jinx it. And then there was the simple reason of being scared shitless myself of such a goal.

I suppose I should explain my intentions to let you understand it in full. I wanted to be famous for a couple of reasons. I was not the book smart type of person, on paper at least, that is to say I preferred the arts because they allowed me to improvise my life on the fly, rather than watching tutorials or remember pH balances.  I wanted the fame more than I wanted to be an actor. I think I thought and still think, regardless of the gold diggers or fake fans, that through fame, I would be able to enjoy life more, worry less about monetary things and more about things like love. And what better way to enlarge the pool of women to choose from than to be known to everyone.  Then there was the reprisal for my younger years as a child when I was not accepted in school as the “cool” kid but was treated as the nerd and outcast. I figured one day, all those who shit on me would see me on the screen and think to themselves “Well shit… don’t I feel like a jackass”. I suppose not the best reasons for wanting the fame.  It makes me sad that “Movie Fame” is the easiest (if you can make it) way to be known. The path of least resistance so to say.  You do not need to write something worthy of a Nobel prize, or fight in a war, you just have to pretend to be someone that someone else made up.  I am not saying this is an easy task but in the world of fame, this is probably the # 1 most glorified place to be. A rock star for instance, or a movie star, they are in everyone’s lives regardless of wanting it or not.  I have always been a people person so when people would be saying how they would hate to be surrounded every day by paparazzi etc, I thought it would be perfect for the way I live.

Another reason I wanted it was because I think I am good at it. And when I set goals in my life, I usually do everything in my power to achieve them. I didn’t want to be the professor teaching the acting class because he couldn’t hack it. I used to tell me self over and over again, do not fall into a comfort zone making website or doing something else I was good at but took less of a fight to get to.  So you can imagine when i got a job at a Video Game company making movies, I fought my inner voice so hard it was very confusing.

In the last year of my college career I got the chance to direct 3 plays, two short 1 act plays and 1 full scale musical. This was the most fun I have ever had in my life. It came naturally to me, I loved to help people reach their full potential in my shows. I loved working every day on the sets and the costumes and the interaction with the actors. I did however not have a day go by where I told myself not to fall into it even though I enjoyed it sooo much. I felt like it was that comfort zone, and I would regret for the rest of my life not pursuing the life of an actor, how I would look back 50 years from now and say,  “If Only”.  I even got upset when I found out I was going to have to take directing courses as part of my core, because to me I wanted to be an actor and no other aspect interested me.

I feel that my ability to act gives me the insight to help others succeed, as with any job in life, it is so important to know all the aspects of it to better yourself in your part. However my inner voice once again yelled at me, and said, “Helping others to reach their goals in great but first you must reach yours.” Why is that, simply it is because if I watched others surpass me into fame, I had failed.

This is odd, because I have never opened up about this to anyone really. I didn’t even have this as a planned conversation topic for this.

I fear people in my life will look at my past and my goals of then and see them as me not being fully committed to my life and challenges now. Knowing perhaps one day I may wish to pursue my other passions.  However, my life as it is now, is intriguing, and my choice to come out to California to pursue this hybrid mix of directing and acting in a new form of entertainment, Machinima, was something I would be a complete idiot to have turned away with two years of work making them on my own.

It was the biggest fork in my life to choose this life. I got a call from a director I had worked with to get my equity card by doing a traveling Romeo and Juliet the same day I got a call to work as support(the bottom of the bottom, which I didn’t know at the time if I would make it to be able to actually make the movies for the company that I was doing) at my current place of work.  I remember the conversations of those important to me that day, and even the director telling me I should go and do it while I still had the chance. A book was recommended to me “What color is your parachute” I am yet to get it, but one day I will have to read it.

I think leaving New York was the hardest for me. When I first got here, I ordered a pizza and asked the girl on the phone for a “Large Pie” and she responded back in a Valley Girl accent, “We don’t sell pie”. When I then asked for a large pizza, she sent me the worst tasting pizza of my life.

I knew then I was no longer in Kansas. Because honestly they have more common sense than this girl did lol.

My transformation over the last few years has been wonderful. I love my job to death, but it took awhile for me to even come to the conclusions about my want to be famous and why that I mentioned before.  I thought I was throwing my dreams away, even though I was enjoying what I was doing, that meant “Comfort”. Although this has not been the “Comfort Job”. Every day is a new learning experience and every movie we do has something new to learn and challenges that appear.

So what can one conclude from all of that? I don’t know if there is a conclusive analysis. It is more of another corner piece in this octagonal puzzle called my life.  Would I say I am unhappy? No. Would I say I am scared? Sure, who isn’t when they have to make their own life decisions. When we have to worry about our own health vs when the next snow day will be. Am I emo, should this be taken as some sort of cry for help? No, not even close, this is just me spilling to the world once again a bit of who I am and how I got here. Would I change anything yet? Nah, maybe how I approached my first kiss in middle school, :P.  I figure yes, one day I could try to pursue acting again, but right now I am not sure if that is what I want anymore.  I remember my hatred for even the simple tasks such as memorizing lines for a show. It was a nightmare. And things like that make me think perhaps my intentions were not what I needed to do that.

So I watched the movies this weekend, and my troubles went away until the movie began to end, and I knew I could no longer live through the lives of those on the screen.

I guess what I am trying to get away from lately, is not having certain key elements in my life that I need so much.

The green room, I remember it soo well. Or the theatre in highschool, the place to escape. The place where you could hear the tuning of a piano, or people sitting on coaches and just talking. A place where the formalities of a classroom or even taking a public bus did not exist. This was a place where, as Arnold said, before he was elected Governor, “We all did stuff like that back stage, it isn’t sexual harassment”. I never heard a statement soo true before in my life.

The actor types spent so much time with each other in these relaxed situations, love interests and flirting always sparked. But it never lasted, it was caused by proximity. But back on topic.

The green room had this feeling of home to it. In NY during college it was the place to lay down if you were having a panic attack, a place to eat your dinner, or a place to procrastinate homework because there was always someone to talk to. And I am not talking about “Whats up” “NM” “YOU?” “NM”

I am talking about someone pissed off at the current elections, or a casting call, or some sort of drama. While I usually tried to keep out o the dramatic talks, the ones I enjoyed the most, were when someone would say something as simple as, “The sky is particularly blue today” and all of a sudden whether you wanted to or not, it snowballed into an intellectual conversation and you left that room somehow applying that conversation to your life. It helped you keep going. Even if the conversation made you leave the room, it gave you an emotional response. I miss that.

I miss the comfort of having such close friends, that we would just sit ontop of each other to get a section of the couch, because it was a couch and that is comfortable. And who cared who was who and what not. There was no inhabitation, it was just people living.  Sure it wasn’t all roses, but it was “home like” and people were allowed to speak their minds even if they were pissed.  No one had to worry about getting fired on those couches. No one had to worry about sexual harassment on those couches. And no one did.

I am VERY happy my job and the company I work for is very “family” like because if it was too corporate I might off myself. But I often find because there is no “couch” there is fear of the unknown, bad day, or wrong glance, that causes people at work to be very separated from who they really are.

This is all over though. I guess there is something special about the “couch” that one must just keep close to the heart.  As a department that works with pop culture very often, it is nice to know we have our own special couch for our brainstorms etc.

I find in these movies I have been watching as well, the answer to so many problems is keeping a good attitude toward things even if you are getting it hard from others. This has always been my motto. I try to tackle everything in life with a smile. Even if it sucks, I don’t let it get me down too hard, but sometimes when others start pulling hard enough on you because they are having a bad day, it becomes difficult to not expect the side swipe at any moment, keeping you on edge rather than thinking positive.

But, regardless, I will always be me, and in the end I hope it pays off. Because to not be me, is pointless.

And what else is there but seeing the relationships in these movies, that are fun and energetic. Not because every moment is perfect but because they overcome their hardships by pushing one another to new levels. A give and take.

I remember when I went back to NYC for fall, I was at a bar, and I went out for a smoke in the rain. Contrary to people’s beliefs not from NY, everyone is very talkative and nice, because I ran into a beautiful woman and I dropped my NY vernacular with, “Wow it is raining FUCKING hard”. To which she turned and we began discussing her life and mine. It was an in depth conversation with a complete stranger. NYC being the loneliest  city in the world, because we were always soo busy getting from point A to B  all we can do is stare at the multitudes other/different people and wonder what it would be like to sit down with a glass of wine with them.

Even in the Subway it was really hot and I said under my breath, “Man it is FUCKING hot down here” to which an old man turned to me and said, “FUCKIN’ A!”

This brought a huge smile to my face.

So what does this have to do with relationships?

I guess I wonder if I can find that same kind of fight in a person not living in or from the City. I want to be able to marry and raise kids some day, so I hope California is a place I can do it in, because I want to be at my job for quite some time, but it scares me that there is such a huge difference between the people. Sure this is some harsh shit on California, and obviously it isn’t everyone, but the everyday people I pass by in the “OC” with their lack of turn signals and housewives homeowners association feel, it is a little scary.

I have had this chat with people before and I think if I found someone who had some of the same beliefs and values that I do, then my kids would grow up just fine anywhere, but in a land of white how do you find the girl when you came from a land of red purple black white yellow, etc.

I have always pictured myself marrying over seas, but perhaps that is just because the differences in culture are so great the intrigue is the motivation behind it. Rather wouldn’t it be great to find someone regardless of location to adventure and grow through that intrigue with.

I suppose I need to find my way out of the areas which ooze OC housewives, and learn the place I am in more, to really know where to find the off beaten path.  Someone told me about a Dueling Piano bar… perhaps I will start there. That sounds right up my alley 🙂

I know why this is all forefront on my mind lately. Whenever you make a big decision in your life you begin to analyze all the pieces all at once. My big decision was buying a new car. Finally giving up some of my vice grip over my savings and treating myself to a new car. But not just a work and back car, but something I can enjoy. Actually taking out a loan to prepare for the future of perhaps owning a house and building credit, which don’t even get me started on how ridiculous I think the whole system of credit is. It is like the actors guild, you need to act in a guilded show to get it yet you can’t act in a guilded show without it kinda bs.

California being a new beast to me aside, I had to leave my friends and family behind when I moved here, so I find it difficult to really just call that friend to go out and chill.  Work has a very different culture than I am used to so sometimes it is hard to form the friendships I would like, when the commonalities are very different at times.

I don’t drink anymore so “The bar scene” to pick up a girl is not the way for me to go about things. Plus I am not out to get laid, I am out to meet someone intriguing or someone who wants to sit down with a cup of coffee vs sit in silence at a movie.  I wish dating sites were more mainstream, because it seems like a great way to meet someone in these days of texting taking priority over phone conversations. At least a way to get the introduction out of the way to go get that cup of coffee.  Younger people my age don’t seem to be using them as much though. It seems to be something for people 40 and older. Which I find odd since we should know more about this computer magic than them 😛

I live by inspiration and aspiration and all things that allow my imagination to run rapid through a colorful, candid-incandescence.

I will make like Plato and admit that I know nothing. I don’t know the concepts of physics, the material classifications of the the periodic table, nor could i recite anything written by Hawthorne, or Freud. but i do know this: that where there is passion, there is a heart behind it, and where there is a heart there is love, and where there is love there is risk, and where there is risk there is selflessness, and where there is selflessness there is wisdom. you cannot teach me that. there is no book, no poem, no scientific explanation, no renowned modern achievement that could help me FEEL these concepts. you can create a flow chart and explain to me the basic principles of being a human being and i would still fumble through life just as robotic as half the population. Finding yourself despite and in spite of societal infiltration is key to being 100% real, 100% authentic.

To me that is the most important thing to find in a significant other. Someone who understands the risks of telling all, yet they do it anyway, because risk can kiss their ass.

I think part of me wishes I could download a lot of pieces of my life(someone just told me about that expression) into the brains of those who are important to m, so they could know I wrote a script that is sitting on my computer read only by 2 other people(scared of it being taken, need to copyright it, but 50 dollars for something that may actually suck..) because I want them to know I may be skillful in that, or perhaps that I was in musicals all the way until the end of my career in college, but despise karaoke because it feels too competitive and I prefer to prepare for a show if I have to sing, maybe that I used to weigh 155 pounds and dance hip hop for awhile. Why do I want them to know that? Because then, maybe instead of trying to make accusations of my skillsets or ambition to stay on top of the learning curve, they will know that if they give me the right situational response I will be able to perform for them, and I can be comforted by that day or two of practice rather than playing the backtrack game or the “but I have done x and y” to explain z.

I believe knowing someones strengths is an insight to their weakness, and while we only have our own experiences to help guide people past them, we cannot expect what worked with us to work on anyone else. It is important to adapt your own experiences into guidance, otherwise you become the father and I become the rebelling child, wondering why you are so damn oldschool.

I think if I ever wrote a book, it would either be something that could maybe help someone with their life or suck soo badly that it would never be read, because sometimes my life is so motivated by the life around it, that it is impossible to recap. I guess that is why I find it important that the people around me see me for who I am, and I am who I want to be around them, otherwise they are getting the illegible book of my life.

As someone said as I was writing this, perhaps I will hold a seminar, in which I gather a bunch of people, show them what it feels like to have someone give you a layer of life so thick, but still have so much to give after that, the fear of losing themselves is gone, and perhaps they can love unconditionally, with self preservation built in, in a non obtrusive way.

Anyway, there is the thoughts on the forefront of my mind since purchasing my new car. I don’t know how you would want to categorize this.  But don’t think of it as sadness, just reflection. And do me a favor, if you are reading this, you probably have some sort of part in my life, don’t take it as condescending, it is just me being me, sharing a thought process, these are not conclusions. I find sometimes it is easiest to pin a person by what they say or write down in a conversation or blog if you have it, but this is a part of my life perhaps as much as a millisecond of my entire life, and the thoughts are growing, fleeting, or part of a whole.

“What if we are the ones in jail”

“What if we are the ones in jail”

I read this in a book recently. The idea that we are stuck in a society, which itself may be the jail. The rules put upon us, the levels of threat we are alerted to, the regulations government deems fit, the taxes we pay.

But what if we break it down to a fundamental of human moral, Truth. We live in a society in which the truth is always one step out of our grasp. One can even assume that levels of the truth do not exist for any one person. Although we all put our trust in one person. That person being our president. But the presidency is made up of people and organizations. The president himself probably probes for the truth. He may have sat in that room the first day of his presidency where they revealed the secrets of the world to him, yet someone in the next room probably held their own secret which was passed to another office and so on. The secrets become a game of telephone. They change and fall far from the truth.

Our world is an evolution yet we have so many implementations of rules and governing ideals that are not updated to go with our evolution, because we are too busy trying to make the first set of rules work.

Technology itself is an example of how we have trouble keeping up with ourselves. An 85 year old man would look at an idea like twitter and laugh himself to sleep. Is it because we are not accustomed to knowing the world around us in truths, but snippets, and “Good Media”.

The introduction of money into any society causes there to be competition, often considered to be good, but also a key factor in changing the rules of engagement. This could be as simple as buying an apple at the market to launching an attack on foreign soil. So maybe we should put ourselves into the situations we often wonder the truth about. We should become soldiers… but a soldier will form his own truths from what he sees. What he sees may be part of the telephone game, where the people he encounters got the wrong message, skewing his truths off center.

So when do we get to know the truth, is it when we die and go to heaven we can look down and see all the answers? Or is it giving up on actively working toward the truth to fall into faith.

Faith gives us a chance to forget the truth and hope for a reality. It cleanses us from our own lies. Not to say faith is not helpful to bring the miracles within a person to the surface, but when as a nation we default to it 7 out of 10 times, you start to wonder if we are being passive with our own existence.

Under God we Trust, yet we will not trust the stranger next us, an embodiment of god, with our money, our families, or our well being.

When will we take an active role in our own lives, when will our questions or concerns, truly be answered? Does our own evolution stunt our ability to ask questions, because as they are asked they change in context?

We hold truth close to our hearts, we value it as a moral, yet we turn a shoulder when the lies are not prominently in front of us. We do not ask when they are not shown to be or are part of our lives; when the lies are a bill of congress not being updated with the times, or the times breaking a good bill of congress.

I often ask myself what it would be like to know the entire truth, and I often imagine it would hurt or turn me insane.

Would I rather go on living in this world which could be the “jail itself” as the author wrote, with my luxuries and comforts, or on the edge of insanity, everyday having to digest the truths of the world, the truths as they forge themselves in time.

This feels like a movie… Perhaps I shouldn’t want it to.

To be in the relationship where you can compare it to a movie, I know I have felt it, experienced it.  But to reflect on the basics of a movie, you would assume perhaps this is not the “perfect” relationship at all. Perhaps if your relationship reminds you of a movie it is because you remember it like a movie, only savoring the exact edits. You pass the in between time with cuts. A slideshow of a period of time, pictures a day, with the proper filters on them to give them the film feel. Somehow even though the normal everyday life may be normal and not out of the ordinary, with the right color correction and depth of field you miss the world around anything that may seem perfect.  Instead of the feeling of bliss when your relationship turns into a movie, moment after moment, it should be a warning that you are only watching the highlights of a complete picture. I mean that is what a movie is comprised of, the perfect moments, good and bad, dramatized for the passing of time, or the emotion needed for portrayal of character.

A movie is easy to critique or judge, but ever decision every day, takes an open mind. One that can look past the personal opinions buried inside yourself. Yet at the same time it becomes a balance of your own opinion mixed with feelings depending on the sleep you had, what you ate, and that of the people around you. Life itself can often fall into a script like approach, revision after revision. The apprehension to improv alone stands in your way.

So perhaps it is a mastery only befitting of a surrounding in which there are no movies or editing techniques to compare to. A world based on the truth around you, not the truth you use to karmic-ly get through the day.  A place where your own perfection cannot exist because the only perfect is the days you spend living. Even this, as I write is influenced by the perceptions put forth around me, prideful or filled with humility.

So tonight I look forward thinking back upon the old relationships and moments in time I had where I thought things felt like a movie and realize, I probably don’t want a movie. If I only have fragments of time with years skipped in between due to the time constraints of an audience, I myself am not giving life itself enough care. My mind will then be unable to mature and reflect as well as see my steps I take ever breath of the day.

I cannot skip chapters in my life, because there is no rewind, but there is definitely a fade to black.

A metaphor that perfectly sums up how I think.

I stress this: HYPOTHETICAL Situation:

“Meeting a pretty girl”

One thought (you would think this would be multiple, I’ll get to that later) that is pretty common place for me, would be marriage, if my family would like hers, if she is playing hard to get, if so.. should I ask her to be open to the idea of a more European approach and just tell me what’s on her mind about me… Would she then be put off by that because it forces her to think of a place that wasn’t NOW and is more planned. I have an idea that people are on different timelines of life and sometimes because of that, you miss your opportunity to be that person they are interested in because your day felt longer than theirs. I feel that sometimes it is more safe to put in all your effort into a person even if you are not quite sure without saying anything because you never know what may trigger the “moment”. However I get tired of it. I give a lot of myself for people close and important to me, and like school I didn’t like to give my all unless I was invested. So I think it should be ok to ask for that simple, “Yes I would like to see where this goes” as the collateral for that investment. I don’t invest my LOVE so to say in all of the above. I am very interested in seeing the person for them and what they are and how we are together before I would even think of those thoughts more than a passing metaphor.(see below) But even though they seem like common thoughts, they are given too much water and often sink the boat.

To get to the idea of all those thoughts being one:

The metaphor for this would be simple. It isn’t a novel I’m thinking it is like a gentle breeze or a bee flying by your ear. BUZZZZ, freak out, then poof gone.

However everyone around you, because they didn’t see the bee, is thinking you are nuts and freaking out.

It is hard to explain that such thoughts can fly through the mind so quickly and they are not NEEDS, WANTS, they are just inquisitive ideas. Many guys will not admit they think of things that have to do with the future with girls right off the bat, but with our culture and society the way it is today you would think that would be the first thing on everyone’s mind. Being a simplistic creature with a complex environment. The need for a mate and then the need for all the socially acceptable balances to that, probably get thought of more than we think.

What gets me is when it is talked about, the person who talked first has to wait in anticipation to see if that person takes their questions as ultimatums or just as they are, open air conversation that people seem to be squeamish about. I am not saying I want to plan a romantic night or a spontaneous moment, I am saying it is nice to have that feeling that the other side, is reciprocating on the same level as you with what you are thinking or at least is open to the idea.

So I suppose I just open more questions with this, but I often hope someday someone will accept the urges to talk rather than living too much in the mysterious moment that, quite frankly makes for good moments, but not good lasting memories. I would prefer my stories be those of generations and not of, “oh man you remember when we” coffee conversation.

I wonder perhaps it comes with age. Or perhaps it is a specific trait I look for and should not expect it in all places and hold it high on the MY NEEDS list.

I had to share this – “Hands”

Someone close to me wrote this the other day, and I just love it, wanted to share it.

Something stirring slowly inside a hollow place
Deeply blue and remarkably effervescent
Sparking right past all those carefully laid stepping stones
This is something passionate and powerful and free
It charms its way through disaster and skips gleefully into the unknown
Smiling all the way even
Nothing soft and sensitive about it
It’ll burn every set of fingerprints it comes across
Leaving the forbidden scent of burnt up carefulness
It throws all caution to the wind
Inhales every touch of his mouth, every twitch of his hands
This jumpy electric pulse tangles itself up in any logic there was to have
Fries it lifeless and plants solid gold Bravery instead
Bursting trees of pure Inhibition dig their roots deeply into place
Never wavering and only pausing to deposit new branches
New branches to overtake all Caution and Uncertainty and Silence
Bright screaming Blue shooting through my veins
Willing me forward, forward, forward
No turning away from it either
No fighting it back or beating it down
Like an avalanche of too tight rubber bands
All of them snapping and flying into sixty different directions
Every flare of energy gathering in the bottom of my rapidly accelerating pulse
Now my whole frame trembles with every counted beat
Accumulating, building, gathering
Brand new splashes of color rearing their heads with every stolen glance
I am nothing to stop it, too caught up in this heart attack of Revolution
Boldly squashing every last promise I ever made to never do this or that
This wondrous chaotic electronic free fall into what can only be best described as my own personal
Nirvana

The perfect explanation

Its funny I was going to write this whole thing but ended up talking about it instead. i just found this again and realized, as it is it was perfect for how the feelings were..

What do you inspire me to write?

I could write about the way your lips feel different than anyone elses before.

I could write about your eyes or your hair or just your smallest smirks and sniffles.

But then I could write about how I feel like I have been damaged.

Driving home it was strange I looked back at my most recent relationship and realized I

didn’t know what I wanted as much as I …

I like you
Scared.

Numb – Movie Review with a dash of Personal Life Association

I just watched the movie numb. It was a combination of cheesey romance with some very close to home plot lines. One was the idea of rectifying things with family members. It was amazing to see the character have the same need for a simple acknowledgment of things that had happened when he was a kid, with his mom. I think personally this was very true because we don’t need to dwell on the past but it is nice to know there is the joint acknowledgment that it was not the right thing to do. Often parents will say “is that what you wanted me to say” in a way where usually you would be guilted to saying no, but this time in the movie and before in MY life I have said yes.

I have been through those times where I had to go back to everyone in my family to try to find solace for myself in my life. I had to dig through shitty times and bring up things you don’t want to talk about. And what did it ultimately fix? probably not too much, but amazingly enough it laid the ground work to 3 years later bring it up again and actually get something out of it.

Another very noticeable moment was that a lot of his life altering mind shit happened when he smoked pot. While his associative disorder was there already the pot brought it to the surface. I often feel I did the same thing with my panic attacks. It was actually really scary when it happened and without knowing I had panic attacks my entire life I thought I may have broke myself after that one night. It turns out when I really looked back after really getting panic attacks for the first time, I was getting them my whole life, i was just unaware of what caused it or what it was. There was soo much thaty contributed(aspartame in diet soda, brand new diet, my body changes, being on my own etc etc) to my panic attacks finally surfacing that i know it wasn’t just one night of pot, but it was always in the back of my head. A panic attack to me is often associated with nausea, so feeling sick non stop for a few months later was quite the adventure, and even if the pot didn’t trigger it I often think it helped to get it to the surface.

Recently I have been researching Salvia. I wonder what effect it would have on me since my mind seems to be very impressionable when it comes to that. I often wonder if smoking pot again or losing control of myself in that altered reality that Salvia can produce may fix things or let me expand creatively. I used to smoke pot to chill my brain out. My mind is always going a million miles a minute and smoking here and there used to give it a break, now that is gone.

While I don’t have what he has in this movie I have often found myself unable to explain taking a medication or going through these things to others who haven’t had it or something in that area of shit. It is as if you are looked at differently or down upon for not having your shit together. I was always against drugs but I had to take some to get from day to day when the panic got bad, and all it did was equalize me not change me or make me tired or drugged. When you have a chemical in your head working against you putting on in to fight it makes it better. yes if you take this drug without the bad shit in you you are liable to fall asleep.

It is also amusing that this guy lived in LA and would fly back to his roots. To me the move to California was definitely and still remains to be one of the most challenging parts of my life. When you see a movie trailer for chihuahua’s you don’t realize if you live on the east coast that that shit is AIMED at the west coast and speaks very true to the culture. When you live here and realize what it means, it is almost a slap in the face of reality. I am not saying I shouldn’t be grateful for the opportunities out here, but one cannot deny simple truths, that east and west are WAYYY different, and there is some negative connotations toward both from both.

I do know this however, I love the people around me who give me support and love.

Anyway I am wayyy off topic.

I would say check this movie out if you have ever had some sort of mental state that wasn’t normal, check it out if you like a cheesey love story, and also check it out if you like slower movies with pretty solid acting. I enjoy that the director was able to embodies a feeling in the way he did, even if some of the vices(in a bathtub with a washcloth over your head) are a bit cliche.

Because believe it or not, I bet some of these, as cheesy as they are, ring true.

Sensory Memory Overload.

It was in front of my face this whole time and yet it took a quiet night in the hottub tonight to figure it out.

All around was sandstone bricks, beach chairs, the sound of the waterfall, and a very warm evening. Warm glows from the under lit palm trees enveloped my vision. Beautiful tropical leaves and foliage covered over my head. The sky was clear enough to see a star or two. It was truly breathtaking. The smells in the air as the gentle breeze whisked them all into my nose brought up a sensation of vacation.

This is the key word here: vacation.

Since my move I have always said going to the beach or smelling the ocean at work even the constant sun has made me remember to all the vacations I would take as a child. Why didn’t I put this together sooner however is beyond me.

For me, the sensation of vacation has always been complete when I knew I had a week or two where I had no worries, school was out, or whatever it may be, but it allowed me to relax.

Now imagine being born on the east coast where the sensations of the area where I live, Orange County, mix with the feeling of a 24 hour vacation without the ability to relax because of work or other things we have to do when we are on our own.

Sensory Memory Overload.

I already have a hard time just relaxing unless I know I have no worries for at least a week, if not more.

I would go to the beach house that my Uncle had built and only when I knew I could throw all my worries aside could I truly relax. Knowing I had 10 days and 8 of them could be me just sitting at the beach not having to look at the clock for when I had to go was heaven.

While sitting outside today, I realized I couldn’t necessarily relax even though my environment was triggering all the sensations of a place to relax in.
While I find some true beauty in what is around me, it is this engrained feeling of vacation when I see palm trees or sand or smell the ocean salt that causes me to have a hard time relaxing on a day by day basis. You would think this would help since it is related to vacation, but when I know I cannot take that week or two it is difficult.

Then I realized, my vacations these days are traveling back to the east coast to see friends the city and family. There is one problem, I am going back to a sensation of work, school, and my bringing up for relaxation when in all reality I used to go to places like California to relax. It is a strange switch.

No real answer to any of this, nor a real problem so to say, just a realization.

“Relationships are best measured by Farting.”

“The stages of a relationship can be defined by farting.
Stage 1 is the conspiracy of silence. This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend that they have no bodily waste. This illusion is very quickly shattered by that first shy ‘ooh did you fart?’ followed by the sheepish admission of truth. This heralds a period of deeper intimacy, a period I like to call the “fart honeymoon”, where both parties find each other’s gas just the cutest thing in the world. But of course no honeymoon can last forever. And so we reach the critical fork in the fart. Either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarrass, thereby signifying true love or else, it begins to annoy and disgust, thereby symbolizing all that is blocked and rancid in the formly beloved.”

The feeling of butterflies in your stomach

It has been 2 years and 7 months since I have moved to California. I got in my car today as I went to leave a bit early from work and realized, even though I haven’t really had a moment to de-crunch my brain from the last few months of work I couldn’t think of another place I would want to be.

The difference between this and say college, about 3 years into college I was wondering why I was still there and kinda wanted to drop out, but I have this need to follow through and finish things I start. But the difference is definitely in the idea that this job grows and adapts with me (not how I wanted to word it but can’t figure out a better way to). It is always pushing me and it allows things to not be stagnant. Sometimes I feel a bit of overwhelming-ness from the idea that the technology and things in my job are a lot like in scrubs(which btw for some reason season 1 and 4 have had a lot of shit that related to my life lately) where in medicine you have to always keep up with it to work day to day, always learning something new. It is so important though to remember back to your roots or as I like to say “grass- roots” lol

This last week has consisted a lot of those moments when your stomach moves into your mouth as you open up or say things that may not be the easiest to talk about. It started with the ex girlfriend as I finally had to make the decision to not pursue a relationship anymore and we would have to just go down the path as friends from here on out. It was the first time I was able to talk face to face with her about issues like these and it was gut wrenching. All I wanted to do was to comfort her but I knew all I was doing was making it worse, not per-say with my being there but more of the fact that I wasn’t going to change my mind. I believe it was the best decision for both of us and thankfully we are still on good terms. But it is never easy. I do wonder how able I am personally to be friends immediately after something like this. I do wish however in those last moments with someone, that the person I am with, be it a relationship that is working or not, would not say “Then why did you show me this, or say this to me, or open up about…” I just wish there would be an understanding that, yes a relationship or the process of making one, means opening up, bringing someone else into your life. It may hurt if it doesn’t work, but I would rather take that hit then to think I didn’t give it all I had. I don’t know if it is just a moment of weakness or a generic response that has been engrained via our living cultures, making us say these types of things, even if under our breath or nonchalantly as a closing argument, or a jagged thought being thrown at you mid sentence. Then the question of “why” always comes up.

Sometimes the why is not an answer and it is just the hardcoded personalities of the people the involved, and a question that shouldn’t be asked nor answered. If one person is not happy regardless of the love the other one will show the two will never be happy together.

Movies often show the idea that two people need to work on a relationship or there are ups and downs. Of course there are, but it is that dying need to yell out and say something when something isn’t working that keeps those together. If one person doesn’t feel like standing up and yelling out, the likelihood is, the movie is just a commercial.

Two of my friends said two important things to me this week. One was, “If someone respects both themselves and the person in front of them they will probably leave rather than drawing out a heart wrenching moment, as long as that moment isn’t needed to further the development.”
I loved how that sounded but also know as much as that probably would have been a good approach with the above, at the same time this was sort of needed in a way. I can’t justify it completely yet, but relationships and emotions are some wacky things. When I was talking to my dad about a relationship my little sister was in, that I thought was not good for her and even she said it wasn’t. My dad listened to some of my experiences, to just let her experience them without too much interjection on his part. I mean once you break up with a guy or girl for the first time, especially in highschool you are going to get back together but it will never be the same from that point on and the chances of it working are probably much much lower, you will always remember why you broke up with that person but it will become muddled as time goes on, forcing you to get nitpicky and then you get confused and then you need to get out, or you will go insane, not because there isn’t emotion or love, but because it just doesn’t work, our instincts are amazing things when clearly infront of us. And amazingly enough a few weeks later he said: “Perhaps you should take some of your own advice” and click it made sense, had I thought of it already, yes, but I still couldn’t figure out how to make it work. It was just amusing to hear that. Anyway rant over…

The second thing was, “My ex got a book about self personalities etc to figure out why she went back to an old girlfriend that she wasn’t happy with” My response was, sometimes even with a book or help people will not always change or can’t, and then she said, “Yes but if a person wants to change for themselves the odds are much higher”. It just struck a nice chord with me. Self examination is healthy and while we may not be able to find the answers or read the books to get it all worked out, figuring out even just that on your own is important.

(all the above is very paraphrased if I quoted btw)

Time has a tendency to catch up with you. For me it was the fact that over two and a half years ago I moved from NYC/NJ with my family and my constant, almost unlivable panic attacks disappeared with it. Be it the move, the change of company, or just the idea that my brain was too busy with the new challenge put forth to really feel them anymore is up for grabs. But what I do know is that time has caught up to me again. I once again feel the benefits of my .25 mg of Klonopin actually working when I am on a crunch for 2 days straight, especially when my brain is too tired to battle the panic without me. Now this is for you people who don’t understand medication. This stuff doesn’t change who you are or make you weird it just allows you to get from day to day normally like you should. I will tell you I am the first person to tell a doctor to fuck off with medicine but when I started this shit I needed to function day to day and couldn’t without it. Now it is just one of those things that is hard to stop due to the medical addiction it causes. SO back off : )

So I may ask, so what if I have had a few panic attacks again, no biggy it is the stress and lack of sleep. But truthfully I have this feeling it is something more. I feel like things in my past are going to need to be addressed one day and I believe I only got away from it for a little bit when I moved. About this many years into college is when I really started to get panic attacks for the first time in my life, although looking back I have gotten them since I was young just not as pronounced. One may argue the one time I smoked pot with my friend back home, I rewired something chemically in my body that this started to happen, or one could argue that the freedom of college and living on my own allowed me time for me and with that came good and confusion leading to panic. It seems like a very giant coincidence that the same time as in college but now on my own in California that I would start to feel the same thing, but not as strong because now I know how to work with it.

My brain over the last few years has rewired itself so much. I almost didn’t believe it was possible. I used to think that experience and age had nothing to do with each other, but when you hit a certain age and things start to happen physically and mentally to you, you realize it is truer than ever. Age 20 I had a huge one and age 24 was another one and will be for a few more days.

It isn’t that you change terribly or things go down the wrong path, it is just life catching up to you. And facing life is definitely strange. I remember a teacher talking about soul searching with us and told us how some people do it for a lifetime. I think the soul searching he is talking about has a lot to do with these changes. They force you to see things in your life you may otherwise not have been aware of.

Things at work are really good right now. But there were still certain loose ends. That is where butterflies number 2 came from. I have had these moments where everything is good and BAM I get the stomach feeling and regardless of the conversation with the person, I HAVE to say what is on my mind. The second one didn’t go as I had planned and the words in my head got very garbled when they finally came to fruition. I hope it didn’t make anything worse but I don’t think it did. I just wish I could have said things more in line with the way I felt them rather than a stumbled approach. I wish there was some sort of acknowledgement that I helped them with certain things in their life when they were down. At some point that was forgotten and my own abilities and creativity got lost or ignored. I wish I could say that sometimes I am scared of the conversations they have with other people in my life because I feel like I will get bullied for a misconception. Other than that though I think things are heading in a good direction and the future is bright there. It just sucks for me when I have to think of these things and not want to say anything when that is how I deal with shit. Although I do know sitting back is going to be the good thing to do in this case. I think things are getting better but I also think there will be bumps along the way. But my best approach right now is to not offend when they can be easily offended and just let it be. Although knowing me I will not. However I have to figure out when I do object to my own idea here, that I do not sabotage something so important to me.

We talked again, haha told you I wouldn’t wait lol, and I think it was much better this time. We are headed in a good direction it was really cool to talk about a color concept of an idea we are working toward. As well we chatted about all in the above including way past things. It seems that would be butterflies number 4 but this time there were no butterflies. It was just easy to do and went really well. While other things came up that might bothered me a little I think I can blame it on the mind of a kid not being able to hold back and once it realized the food was worse with ketchup it just ate without it.

Back when I was a child there are some things that may still be haunting me and while I don’t dwell on the past, sometimes when it comes up, it is good to climb the stairs to see what is up there, and hey if you don’t make it all the way up, try again when you need to. It scares me that sometimes I can feel like my mother did in this one memory I have of a good ole childhood whoopin’. While yes this is probably not a scar for life I sometimes wonder when I have felt that loss of control to the point of tears and screaming why this is happening and why even though it is wrong it feels exhilarating. So my past is somewhere I have to dive into now, part of the stairway I have to climb again to fully let things move on or be at ease for the time at hand. And that is where butterfly 3 came from. I talked to my mom and she finally admitted to certain times when she did lose control and was sorry for certain mistakes. It was the most amazing thing that almost brought me to tears, but it is so strange how I will be talking about something completely different and moments later I have butterflies like I would get if walking up to a complete stranger and asking them on a date, but unlike the date I have to speak my mind and can’t back out. But it was amazing to finally hear her tell me the truth. I had tried to approach this once before and it was a crash and burn nightmare. Nothing was talked about, lots of crying and screaming, and no one would tell the truth. This was calm and composed and really felt right for the time. And it was definitely an eye opener to think yes there may be some bad shit due to the divorce on that side but man there is two sides and my anger toward my dad in that situation was pretty intense. I remember screaming and trying not to go with him when before the divorce he was my hero. So there is a double edged sword there.

Now something important here is that my family is the world to me and these are just moments in time, since I am posting this publically I think that should be pointed out. Shit could have turned out MUCH WORSE. And shit even this ain’t bad : P

It is just weird that I never really looked at it that way until now, that both sides really hurt me and there was a lot of anger and rage to both.

It was nice to chat with my dad this week as well and he told me of some of the ways he sabotaged some places he worked back in the day, and I definitely need that reminder here and there so I can try to be very aware of that so not to do the same. The whole expression “hitting a wall” used to have a lot of meaning to me cause I would do it a lot or he would at least say I would, so regardless of the truth of the matter or if it is just one of those parental irks, I keep an eye out so not to do it. He also talked about how when I moved out of my mom’s when I was younger to live with him it was like living with his own dad and since his dad had died he never had to learn how to deal with his dad but through me he learned. It was quite interested, a little creepy but interesting non the less.

I told my sister a moment of weakness of mine and that was butterfly 1.5 (earlier on) and she takes the approach that I should probably talk to someone again and life is just catching up with me. I have no problem with this but finding that right person to talk to is tough. I met one therapist once who said to me, your past is your past let’s talk about today and if the past comes up we deal with it then. That was awesome. But then I left for California. So I am trying to contact her again to tell her, the past has come up again. My sister also believes perhaps hypnotism, but there are two things here: I am not sure I can be hypnotized, and secondly I am not sure I am ready for any surge of bad shit although after talking to so many people this week I feel like the bad may not be as big as I thought. Well I guess there is a third thing that scares me about that, I don’t want a doctor to implant some fucked up childhood bs into my head because he/she thinks they know the answer. It is amazing how many therapists I have met that are very bad judges of character.

I think the oddest thing of all is that my life is heading in a direction of change or clean up. I am quitting smoking again on Monday and luckily so is half the department and so that will make it a bit easier but I think the quitting for me isn’t as scary, it is what damage are left behind when I stop that scares me.

At the same time since Paris I have started to gain weight again due to not working out so I have to fix that too because when I quit I will gain weight as well. Although I did notice I am not gaining wight just losing definition. That is a positive to that.

A lot of the time it is better to tackle one thing at a time but I don’t believe my life will allow for one thing at a time. I think right now I need to work on a few things all at once and just take the hit for it. I think it will end up giving light much softer than a train at the end of the tunnel.

So what, am I fucked up? Nah I think I just like things to feel right in my life and while my childhood was probably better than a lot and I have loving parents who support me and a good groups of friends I still need to tackle the areas that are grey. I mean there is a whole chunk of memory gone from my childhood that no one can figure out as to why.

Speaking of good friends, that is another thing I am constantly working on. The ability to really take AND give in a friendship. There are soo many people I love to death but it feels more like an acquaintance. I have always had trouble finding time to give to friends or multiple people. I think a hello here and there isn’t always enough. I know those really close to me understand I drop off the face of the planet for years or months at a time and they will always be true friends but I do want to find that highschool like friendship again (not the empty superficial part) with people around me, someone to really go do stuff with or nothing at all. Although then again highschool vs working and living on your own, allows for much less time. Just another learning experience.

You may ask why write all of this on a public blog? Why not? If there is one thing I learned in Paris it is that I am always just going to speak my mind and infront of anyone I feel comfortable doing it with. And dammit I am pretty damn comfortable with pretty much anyone knowing stuff about me.

I think Shakespeare helps guide this as well for me. Often the truth is not something to be addressed but as the fool you can speak the truth in a jest to feel out how much you can get away with actually saying. I don’t just spout off things to people randomly, thought goes into it. It is really an amazing thing how much the mind can think at once before you put it to words or text. But when it comes to shit like this why not just say it. “Cooperate” often won’t allow you to speak everything but personal allows for it every time.

A strange little quirk I seem to have adapted is when I get weirded out or feel self conscious I tilt my head down into my neck. I think it may have to do with the weight issue and feeling a little self conscious about it, so regardless of the feeling and for what, that manifests itself into the physical display of feeling off. I also kinda feel myself falling back into the averting my eyes from people if I want to look which was less in Paris. I remember when a random guy said good evening to me when we met eyes in passing. Something about his words seemed more sincere than perhaps a “hey what’s up” like we often say to one another in passing here. I will be working on keeping that confidence just to be able to look do those things I would WANT to do in akward situations. I kept a lot of it when I got back and I will do my best not to fall back into the old way of it. I mean what should be so scary about starring back at a person if they are starring at you, or going up to someone if you need to ask them something or wonder where they got an article of clothing, etc. I mean ever caught eyes with a pretty girl and you both look away, now try that situation again and just look at her and then perhaps say hello, and hey here is an idea stop walking and see if she would like to chat : )

Overall things are good. I still need to find a way to release this last few months in preparation for the next project but I think I am working it out and those around me are accommodating of it. But I will probably not be able to get where I would want to be but that is ok, there is time later 😛 (famous last words)

I don’t argue for the sake of arguing I usually just want to flesh out every angle first. I often wish I could plug someone into my brain for a minute to let them know everything I am. The idea of writing a book one day intrigues me, and the more I think about it, the less I think I could dictate it and rather in my own mysterious way I would have to write my riddles one by one and give my approach to the entire thing in order for it to be true to me. Grammatical errors and all. < – – – see what I did there?

I swear even if the butterflies aren’t in the form of having to talk to someone I have been having them a lot even when just sitting by myself or sleeping, in the bath, or working. It probably has to do with not relaxing so well or having the mindshare to even do so, but then again I have always been pretty bad at relaxing, and I don’t smoke anymore so I have no excuse to randomly kill brain cells to force myself to chill out anymore lol. Anyway, haha, I think this is going to be a challenge ahead of me. But one step at a time with many different directions right now.

Cause it is my entry i can make another way i like this to be said:
(I swear even if the butterflies aren’t in the form of having to talk to someone I have been having them a lot even when just sitting by myself or sleeping, in the bath, or working. I think this is going to be a challenge ahead of me. But one step at a time with many different directions right now.)

There are some things in here that are a bit generalized etc but there still are some things I don’t feel comfortable just sharing with the whole world. Good or bad. And the reasons for it are my own. So if it doesn’t make sense there may be a reason.

This blog is difficult to post because it has been written over the course of the week. Almost like a way of de-toxing from the things around me, but there seems to be something new to add every day this week. So perhaps I shall call this blog: The feeling of butterflies in your stomach, up to August 17th. Because I am not going to add anything tomorrow because it is my Birthday and I want to just chillax with my friends and self. So HAA to you blog!

Found the quote from scrubs I paraphrased in here:

Dr Cox: Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.

Definately, Maybe

If you want to understand the meaning behind NYC love. Watch this movie.

From the flats to the streets to the situations, it really feels like one of the truest love stories I have seen in ahwile and it portrays NYC amazingly.

We never grow up

When you are 90 you will still curl up in a ball like a child if you are in pain. The bucket list did a good job at portraying that.

We get more responsibilities but we still have our core emotions and insecurities.

It is amazing how we go through complete rewirings as we get older. So i have heard it gets easier as you get older.

But then again will it ever be easy? We just have to climb those stairs one at a time and sometimes just step off and sleep on that floor for a little.

Is your life moving on the same timeline as mine?

I swear depending on where you are in life your life moves at different speeds. Ever have a dream and wake up instantly? Ever have a dream that lasted days?But in reality it was still the same time period in terms of a clock time. Now apply that same idea to a job or a year of life. How fast did your week feel? How long did the last few years feel? If I felt like my week sped by and you felt it crawl by does our perception of time actually change how we would see each other? If I said I will talk to you in a week and my week flew by but yours was drawn out, would you feel like I was ignoring you or as if you needed to find someone else to talk to when it felt as though all I thought about was you?

Just some food for thought.

Multi Task Me.

Reading a book is stimulating and it has things like structure and grammar etc. However a book seems like a comfort.

A book is something that has an ending, a preconceived idea. It has a direction and follows it, or intentionally breaks it for drama comedy or action.

A book caters to the idea of needing that closure or that happy ending regardless of happy or sad that say a movie does.

But a txt message or an email or a conversation… Those are the tough ones. They may not have the best grammar, or even a complete though, but looking and reading them and actually hearing them determine the next chapter.

Every phrase I say fits into this story I conceptualize when I wake up, when I sleep at night, etc.

Why is it so hard to see bigger than the sentence or lines or script I have made for myself day by day.

I just want you(meaning anyone) to read past the lines, I am not a dead poet but dammit a little analysis never hurt.

You can say write or act out a million things in a day, and it can all happen at once, analysis, your heart, feelings, future conversations, past thoughts. Please don’t try to read me like a book.

I will not fall into your structure nor will I fight against it for no reason. I will loose sight of things like anyone and humble when wrong. I can feel more from seeing your face or hearing your voice or reading a letter you wrote between lunches.

And that is just it, I will and want that feel.

My process to feel may be a bit different but it isn’t closed to the affects.

Multi task me.

A state of Blah

Since I have gotten back from my trip from Paris I have not been able to get a hold of my brain.

From the first night I got back till now I have been in mood swings, semi depressed, random panic attacks, physically tired, and fighting sickness here and there.

Do I know why?

Nope…

Does it suck?

Yep…

But what is strange is when i was driving to work the other day, the signs I show as depressed or self explosive, those signs would probably send up red flags for someone else listening in but when it happens to me, there is a little trigger in my head somewhere that won;t allow me to self destruct as I used to anymore and usually I can pull out of it when the going gets tough and get what i need done done.

It just sucks because I wish I could figure out how to get out of it without having to make things difficult on teh way there.

I do wish there was someone I could talk to that had less pressure than me but understood my pressure while also being able to just be there.

bah I am ranting and almost writing a sob story here or a cry for help but in reality I am writing to figure it out myself. I guess facebook is not the best place but whatever lol.

I need to fix my car windows, I need to sell my car then, then I need to finish a big project at work, I have to work out, I have to go to the doctor for a physical, I have to get a checkup with another doctor, I have to Eat healthy, I have to be active, I have to

don’t wanna write this anymore.

UPDATE:

I think I know a big issue, in Paris I had time to do things I needed to or wanted to do then I came back after so many thoughts, eye openers, and life things that manifested ideas thoughts conclusions answers questions right to crunch and had little to no time for me or my shit I need to get fixed. So even though I may need to wait I am going to start tackling one thing at a time to get things in order.

And I called my daddo, kinda forgot about family help for a second 😛 Thankful that is there for me.

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