These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Author: Tristan (Page 12 of 17)

The Tickle Kiss

I am probably going to be tossed out of man society by giving up this “well kept secret”. But let me explain the move that for SOME REASON all guys think is the best icebreaker for a first kiss IN THE WORLD. And by ALL guys I include myself.

I call it the Tickle Kiss.

This is the move where you are awkwardly at a standstill with talking or the date has gone well really well and you are both kinda jonzin(yes I said jonzin) for a kiss, but you cannot get up enough courage just to be rico suave and lean in. You say, “Are you ticklish?”(in a very sinister and and before they get a chance to tell you, you begin to prod and poke looking for it. If you are lucky you find it. First you just do it once as a joke and you both smile. The girl is almost guaranteed to look at you back and say, “Don’t do that again” in a playful tone. This is when the guy will immediately go for the move. He will begin to tickle her until she is in uncontrollable spasm. This usually ends up with the guy overpowering the girl and them ending up in very close proximity or with him on top of her on the floor, on a couch, whatever the tickle gods have deemed necessary for him to continue tickling her as she tries to get away. So for the time being lets say it ends up with him over her on a couch and her leaned up against the armrest of one of the far sides of the couch when he stops tickling her.(that is if she hasn’t pee’d herself) Now their eye meet, and they are close to each other, and BAM KISS!

This is like the fallback, goto, default, first kiss move to do for any first date where you just NEED TO but don’t know how.

There are a few exceptions though which makes for a dry evening and the guy usually taking a moral hit, but often guys will ask you the following questions and make some of these statements prior to the first date. Mind you these questions/statements seem innocent enough but they have a deeper meaning than you expected! Are you ticklish? Where are you ticklish? I’ll find out where you are ticklish! I’m gonna jump you and tickle you to death! (aka I am going to jump on top of you tickle you until we are so close, if we don’t kiss it just isn’t meant to be)

And if you are NOT ticklish oh man you have just made the guy go into panic mode! Not only can he not take over an argument or conversation by tickling you, which usually ends up with a kiss to make it better, but he cannot make his first move with the Tickle Kiss.(way to fuck that up ladies!)

What still confuses me, is the GIRLS ALWAYS ACT AS IF THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED. As if they are not onto our little device for kiss timez! We kiss them after the tickle kiss and when we pull away the girl AND the guy say the same thing, “Oh I’m sorry” with a wicked grin on their faces, acting as if they didn’t expect it. And then usually if all is kosher they kiss again. Now I am not saying these are not amazing moments of goodness but it is still fun to think about how it all plays out. I guess sometimes we just NEED to really have those moments of cheese to make the days go by. So bring on some more cheese I say!

Fruit Ninja on Kinect…

Can I just say, I never played with a Kinect before. And I went to my friends house yesterday to try it out. My god, Fruit ninja will never be the same. ALL I WANT TO DO IT FLAIL AND PLAY AGAIN!!! Better than sex… with some people lol

The difference in winning & losing is most often, not quitting.

This is not a blog for weight but I need to vent.

I have had one of those weeks where I broke my diet at almost every opportunity I got and had one GREAT day. Not in a seriously bad way, I have made sure to keep the sugar and shit out of my house in case of this. The workout this week has been extremely taxing and my body has been extrememly hungry. Which I compensate for with my food the right way but every now and again I get lost and I eat.

So the stupid part is I am freaking over food that isn’t that bad for me:

  1. Special K with Almond Milk
  2. Like a small cup of pasta without sauce
  3. Some minestrone from mommy 🙂
  4. a handful of my favorite cheat candy that stays away for the cravings 🙂
  5. Some peanut butter on 3 pieces of raisin bread.
  6. a few salteens with cream cheese.

So considering I burned close to 1000-2000 calories today. This should not be a big deal but in my head I feel like I failed this week. But my body tells me a different story. So moral of the story, break or not, keep trucking. There is no time limit on health and results. Just take it a day at a time.

I will now go sulk and watch the newest twilight that is on DVD lol

*hands in his man card*

My Dating Profile haha

So I haven’t written a note in awhile so I will now share with you my DATING profile 😛 I have since modified it quite a bit, because turns out the less I write, the more people tell me how interesting what I have to say is. Plus this was a bit much haha, it scares me a little and makes me sound like a schizophrenic.

My self-summary

I’ve decided to write this like my thought process, a stream of consciousness. As well I think I will be brutally honest(like I ever have a choice haha, you will learn haha and 😛 = my tone of voice, but we will get there!)

I am extremely passionate about the world. I love to be a part of it, analyzing it, figuring it out, being frustrated that I can’t always get the answer. But I will fight tooth and nail to find out or talk my way into an answer! 🙂 Shit I think I am passionate about being passionate… and when I am not, it shows clear as day 😛

I will 99 out of a 100 times be more inclined to sit on my bed with the person I am dating talking about shit that turns into debate and pushing the mind than I will be to go to a club, find a living social deal of the week(although I just learned about this and shit there are some good ones!), go to a movie, insert common “night out” here.

I think being able to walk down the street and being on the same wavelength of what grabs your attention is important. It is the difference between, OMG LOOK THERE LOOK THERE LOOK THERE, and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA wtf was he wearing?!?!?!

I understand NYC is a city of don’t look up but I believe even though I too do not look up, seeing the people and the environment of social euphoria breaths a certain life into my spirit. I took that for granted when I moved to California after living out there for 5 years and moved back to NYC for the social/cultural inspiration I grew up with. So YES I will point out the street performer that I think is amazing, and yes I will talk about the people I see that strike my fancy, or the conversation I overhear from the person on the subway next to me, I still get motivated by them as part of this walking canvas NY.

So now that I am in the city of passionate people, I want to explore the places familiar and unfamiliar with someone I can hold in my arms, to make the experiences different and feel like the first time all over again.

My user name is my real name, why you may ask, well I guess I thought xxxtristanswashboardabsofsteelxxx was a bit melodramatic, or perhaps it is because I am comfortable being me, a confident mess : ) Shit google it, you might learn something about how I really have NO walls whatsoever and prefer to put the information out there then leave it up to interpretation or gossip.

I have so many interests, I am not a cookie cutter, I like to try it all. I want to be peeled back like an onion, and I will even help you peel back the pieces to speed up the process, I have always believed in getting to know someone without reservation or thought of “I could get hurt” because honestly, how many times can you go into a situation like meeting someone new with those ideals and not miss out on what could be or waste time on what shouldn’t be because of caution. Damn straight I am OK with being hurt, that is the risk to finding the perfect match isn’t it? (yes hopeful romantic here haha) If we all strive for Money, Careers, and Love, why is it that Love always gets the stepchild treatment when it comes to the effort we put into it. Why are we so afraid to go after it as if someone just offered us a million dollars to jump eyes closed into a once in a lifetime opportunity. Because I KNOW people will fight tooth and nail for their goals in life, so why not put that same effort into a relationship : )

I do NOT have all my life goals together, my career, my head, they are not clear, they are in process, scary, anxiety inducing spurts of extremes, and I think that is OK. I have a different opinion on the “knowing yourself” before you can meet someone else. Albeit I respect who I am and don’t really have walls to life, and really am always me 24 / 7(with some help here and there to remember) but I thought a lot about that idea and I came up with, I believe we will find ourselves till the day we die because the days leading up to death define us, as well as the people we meet. So if we didn’t look while we were also finding ourselves it would be too late. I believe it isn’t how people interact doing different things but how they are with each other at the moments infront of them.

A year ago to the day I left a very good job in terms of “job standards” to pursue my passions and to fill the emptiness in me that I would call ultimate happiness. It was hard and continues to be. I am not your 100k+ a year guy anymore, nor do I prioritize that. If I wanted money to be the deciding factor I would have stayed put, but it turns out money really cannot buy you happiness, only a SHIT TON can lol. (no I don’t expect you to buy me dinner, I have heard of that a lot of here.. really? COME ON… sigh, men)

The last thing I want people to know, is I believe that people judge on snippets like these too often, when in turn these are just small layers of who we are, and to me the cool part of this is that we can talk about it after we write our blurbs. It allows us to see past the MOMENT that this was written and know the person as a whole 🙂

What I’m doing with my life

I am a Director / Photographer / Videographer / Daydreamer

Take a look urself:

http://www.tristanpope.com

I’m really good at

Talking 🙂 but believe it or not LISTENING TOO 😛

I cook a mean sauce, little italian Mom 🙂

The first things people usually notice about me

My Energy, how fast I reply to you on here or email or whatever… kinda plugged in at the hip, and lack of pictures of me in a bar with a drink held out to the camera. 😛 Oh and emoticons.

First thing people don’t usually notice is that I TOO get sad, depressed, scared, freaked out, lonely, hurt, etc.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

I think we can get there in conversation 😛 Cause we all like food movies music and books.. well maybe not books… but movie adaptations of books? 😛

Although I DO watch a TON of movies. I LOVE movies. I also love watching entire seasons of TV shows in a day 🙂 It is like a REALLY LONG movie then.

The six things I could never do without

Optimism

Family… they are a huge support line for me and I them. And I will probably want you to meet one of the 100 of my sisters sooner than later, I also don’t think meeting parents is weird on a second date haha, they are my friends.

NY Pizza

Personal Space/Time

Passionate People

Music… I love all types of music, but I think I like music that feels like the world around you the most, for instance a single piano on a winter day.

The Internet… Since this is the seventh one, I guess I could drop it in the apocalypse, but then I couldn’t use google to prove people wrong grrr. Ooo but then people couldn’t use google to prove ME wrong… I think I like this apocalypse world!!

I spend a lot of time thinking about

People, relationships, romance, my career, life, yadda yadda. And I actually write about a lot of it too, ask me I’ll show ya haha.

The day, no use in thinking too much into the future or the past. I like to not miss what is in front of me.

Thinking about that first moment when you are with someone you find special and they say your name, I dunno why it just rings out. 🙂

On a typical Friday night I am

Oh hell, I don’t have a typical Friday night.

Maybe I am doing some sort of shoot…

or perhaps

Walking around exploring the city, because honestly combine the endless nooks and crannies plus people watching, and you have yourself a fun night.

or perhaps

sitting on my ass…

Friday isn’t “Friday” to me.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

Lemme put it this way, “walls” are for buildings, not people. I will talk about anything at any time. So ask away. And I’m serious too. I like to skip the bullshit of trying to make the perfect first impression because then you end up getting to know someone else other than yourself.

For instance I have some strange obsession with the color pink and when i can get away with it, try to own those things or live vicariously through the person I am with haha.

You should message me if

You think txting is NOT a good way to start the getting to know you process. I am lost in txtlation 😛 I talk in a way that makes me me, and my face tells a story, and I look forward to reading yours as well.

But seriously, if you are open to yourself and can be open with me, because I want to get to know you not based on finding the perfect outfit for a first date, and then canceling because you can’t, but on the person you are every day 🙂 I mean when you are old and I am sitting by you in a rocking chair yelling at the kids across the street or the fish in the ocean (depends on where we retire) do you think I give a shit what you wore the first time I met you? 🙂

Although, I will remember haha. I am weird like that.

And this part may come off with a bad flavor. But I spend time to keep my body healthy so I would hope you do too although not a deciding factor but an important one.

If you thought out of the 10 picture slots a good choice was one of you with a drink in your hand in a bar, trust me we won’t get along 😛 Not because I don’t enjoy a drink, but because I prioritize it differently. I will never be a “insert day” Funday kinda person 🙂

You thought what I wrote was too much to read but read it anyway.

Culture Anyone?

(This is a pretty big opening into my life as a kid, but with a little reservation, VERY LITTLE, as it was for a school assignment. This stops basically as my highschool career stopped.)

An explicit uncensored look inside the soul of Tristan Pope. Written By Tristan Pope 4/6/01

“Culture, the difference between me and the rest of civilization. Culture, the defining aspect of my life. Culture, chosen from my soul. Culture, depending on my life style. Culture, grows stronger every day. Culture, what I strive to decipher in order to live my own personalized, individual, experienced life.” –Tristan Pope

What is my culture? My culture? To choose a culture is to be an individual. I did not choose a culture, I provided myself with pieces of other cultures, and made up bits and pieces of my own, in order to provide myself with a culture that would be ample to my life. My culture cannot be explained in a paragraph or a closing statement. My culture will be described throughout the length of this paper. In order to understand the full effect of what my culture is, this paper must be taken piece by piece and slowly placed into an almost puzzle like form. At the end it will become that beautiful scene that in the beginning just looks like small cut up pieces of paper, but in my case small significant moments in my life.

What have I done to pursue this culture? To pursue my culture I have lived. By living I take in my surroundings. By taking in my surroundings I learn life lessons. By learning life lessons I know where to step next. When I take the next step, be it quicksand or concrete, I am sure never to drown in the never-ending abyss of becoming someone else. I do not seek the affirmation in order to take the next step. Each step I take, I examine it with a fine pinpoint magnifier. At the same time I am careful not to get hung up on that spec of dust under the scope that is unrecognizable or cannot be grasped.

Why do I pursue a culture? Many people believe in running out and going “soul” searching for years on end. I myself have a different aspect. I do not run out and pursue my “soul” in order to figure out my culture. Yes, there are times when I look for opportunities to learn and better myself, but I do not make it a big thing on my “to do list”. The reason my culture fits me so well is because I let culture come to me. By doing this I have the ability to jump in and out of any set culture, only absorbing the parts I want to absorb. With this tactic I protect myself from falling and not knowing who I am if I ever lose contact with that culture. This seems like a perfect spot for an example, to put piece one into the puzzle. At the age of 15, I acquired my first piece of freedom. This to me was what I had needed for a while. I was at the age of rebellion and did not take well to restriction. I needed to become something. I needed to find a piece of me. This freedom did not come in the form of money, or fame, not even parental laky. “Yellow, sleek, the road as my playground, the world in my hand, the game was extreme, the player was me.” A brand new, bright and shiny yellow, Targa LX moped! Now the road only goes so far but to me, it was the road to find myself, without knowing it a huge piece of my culture, and my “soul”! I quit my job being the end of the summer. Not a big loss, “Welcome to McDonald’s. How may I take your order?” was not my favorite thing to say. Within days of getting this new beast of mine (I call it a beast because only it knew the fury it was capable of) I got my permit and began to ride. I would go everywhere, no destination was too far. My parents were like a mist, a fog, a dream. This moped made me a king. “Hey man wanna come to a party, I hear the parents are out and there is gonna be a ton of drinking!” Holy shit! A party? Wow what a new idea this was. I get to the party and met a kid named Casey. He was almost in the image of a superhero to me. He had no parental guidance and never said no. Tons of older people were always at his house. So I figured, “time to fit in”, so I said I was sixteen. I didn’t know I would be with them for more than a year. They had no jobs, no education, and they didn’t really care. I knew this was probably a bad place; the only problem was I never heard that little voice that usually warns you. I was too enveloped in this new experience. There were so many girls, alcohol, and no parents. “Now that was ideal.” The house parties got boring and his parents finally came home. That is when I took my next step in my life. Puzzle piece number two is about to be placed. It was a corner piece that is easy. Just like that corner piece that is so easy to find, I got accepted into a new crew. By crew I mean a group of people who sit around, wearing bandanas, sagging their pants low, smoking cigarettes, sitting in parking lots, doing nothing more than causing trouble and wasting time by “only drinking”, so I thought. I was introduced to all these people, some were white, some were black, even though by the look of things there were no white people (in the mind at least) around. They hung out at a bowling alley, the parking lot in front of it, that is. This sounds like it would be boring and the wrong crowd of people, but this was the first time I felt completely accepted by a large group of kids that could beat up anyone. It took a few weeks to be completely accepted but I had no trouble fitting in. I picked up the slang, “you know what I mean”, put YO in front of every word you say. I wore my ratty wife beaters, and hung my pants down really low. I became a hoodlum. The way I refer to this time now is my “black” days. Racist as it may be, it is the truth. Once in this crowd I still felt a little out of place. I was whiter than Casper. I had blond hair, blue eyes, and no scars. I was a pretty boy. So, I found a new way to get deeper into the group. I lost all regard for authority, and began to experiment with stuff. I tried no more than weed; I mean I had some morals… So I got deeper and deeper into this crowd. Where were my parents? I have no idea. Later I found out they were praying in the house, hoping I would come home in one piece and not in handcuffs. I didn’t care. That was who I was. I was part of this juvenile culture. I was powerful, had a lot of friends, and didn’t have to take “no” as an answer. This bowling alley was my home for a year of my life. I was starting to feel really empty inside. I started to realize part of what I wanted and it was not sitting in the cold, on cars, smoking my cigarette. At that point in my life I was not strong enough to get out. I couldn’t just leave. These were my friends, the people my life was based on. I guess I just needed that shove in the right direction to straighten my path for a few months or so. The opportunity came in the form of a play. Mr. Richins was my savior; he was the current director at Saddle River Day School. He gave me the lead in the play “Flora The Red Menace” with a late tryout and supposedly already pre-cast with me in it. At first I was weary to leave what I had, but my family finally had a chance to put in a piece of their minds. My mother being a thespian all her life pushed at me to do it with everything she had. My father told me of the plays he was in and told me I would love it.

“I was thinking if I did this there would be no time to play, and hang at that bowling alley every damn day!”

Finally something clicked in my head and I figured that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I could go back to the “crew” on the weekends. This is the point where the entire center of the puzzle is put into place. I quit smoking because of the play. It was a musical, so smoking was out of the question. That was hard but I finally kicked it. I had enough in me to make my own decisions! I was beginning to cleanse myself of the bad influences in my life. I did as I said and went to the bowling alley on the weekends. It is amazing when you stop drinking and smoking how much fun it really isn’t. I started to get sick of doing nothing with my life. The “crew” were always making their own fights. No one could get along and they started not to like me. I wasn’t into everything they were anymore. I was starting to become my own person and they didn’t like it.

“As the play began to envelop my time, I dropped the bowling alley, the crew, left it behind.”

Now I was in a new stage of my life. I was around people that liked me and respected me more than the “crew”. I have never had a smile on my face so much as I did when I was on stage. I would go to rehearsal laughing and giddy. Everything was going right. I found my new talent. I found my new friends. My parents could finally sleep at night. I was home at reasonable hours; I could actually go one night without a fight. Everyone noticed the changes in me. My grades were rising and I actually gave all my effort. The people in my new school started to grow a liking towards me.

“They saw me for who I was and who I would become. Someone with a smile, not a gun.” At the end of all this I came out with a new experience under my belt. I had found different types of people and realized what I loved to do. At the end of the play Mr. Richins had told me, “Don’t start smoking again, you can be whatever you want if you just apply yourself, just stay on the right track and you can do it.” This meant a ton coming from a man who gave me a chance, basically holding my hand. He could see whom I was inside and knew I would thrive. Unfortunately, I hit fame really hard. I took in too much and gave little back. I was like one of the VH1 specials, with the rock stars that hit the glamour and fame, then threw it away for their old, stupid ways. They say once you go black you never go back… Well in my case I had acted black and for some stupid reason, I guess it was my midlife crisis early, I went right back into the mess. This is the point where I started to pick at the edges of my puzzle leaving the main core but ripping off pieces of the outside. I started a job at a gas station. I needed money for a car in a year. I met a new group of “ghetto” people.

“They had no aspirations and no reasons to thrive. Hey, guess what… my life took another dive.”

This was a good one this time. I had my life threatened many times. People were getting more violent and fighting was almost a way of initiation now. I didn’t get back into the group as easily this time. I was with a more mature group who watched my back but most of them had their own problems, burning them inside. I felt accepted again but this time there was emptiness. I didn’t enjoy only drinking, smoking, being pressured into sex, or hanging in parking lots. I didn’t like the idea that the cops hated us. I didn’t like getting frisked, and punched in the head. This time I was sure I was going to end up dead. Rhyme or not it was the truth I was scared. I didn’t tell anyone but they knew it was there. The person I had wanted to be was in my hands but I gave it back up for these hoodlums. They would say stuff like, “Stop with that school shit talk”, when I would try to defend myself. They wanted to fight, when I would outsmart them. They started to treat me like a weak little thing. Then the worst thing in the world happened. I got a page from my mom at work. I couldn’t believe it and fell to my knees. They let me off work. I rode home with tears filling my eyes. I fell into my father’s arms. My grandfather had died. This was the edge that I needed. This was the most impacting moment in my life. This man had taught me morals, what was good, what was right, what was bad, what was wrong. He taught me how to build with my hands. He had a character so strong. He was loved by so many. I looked up to this man. He was in the army and always managed to keep a smile. I remember smelling the coffee he would make in the morning. He was a role model to me. His life in general added an entire corner to my puzzle. “He helped build who I was and now he was gone. Even though not a strong feeling it was still in my head, “if Grandpa were in my situation what would he have done?”” That and the idea that everyone else put on a fake face to make me feel better and behind my back would say I was faking it so I could get closer to the “crew”. My grandfather had died and they had no affection. Only the closest friends but even they lost attention. I don’t know exactly what happened but I finally woke up after two years of my life. I picked up my things and just left one night. I never really went back to that bowling alley. The crews spread apart and the bowling alley got knocked down. I still see some of them still hanging around. Now if I had been one of those single cultured people I would have fell hard when I left. But instead I took those two-three years into perspective. I realized my faults and also what I achieved. The second time was a wake up call for me. Even though my puzzle was falling apart the core always stayed. I had the heart and the drive to prevail. I hold a lot of myself on my intuition now. This two-three year period if I was asked, if I would do it again, I would say yes. I got out my rebellious side. I went through phases earlier than others, such as drinking, drugs, and smoking. When I would talk with other people they would be like, “Lets go get smashed!” This didn’t appeal to me anymore. A drink or two is fine every now and then but I had gained much more respect for it. I did more things in moderation. I didn’t have to wait till I was 17 with a license and not much room for error. I matured rather quickly. I am glad though. If I had not I would be going through it now. Picking up the street smarts is exactly what I needed to help build my culture. It formed a big part of who I am. My educational life flourished because of it. I learned that I didn’t want to be the guy who would say, “So what if you can say big words, I could kick your ass!” I wanted to be something in life. I didn’t want to sit around all day and watch the days wash away. One of the biggest parts of my culture is to not let any life experience get pushed away. I take in everything and try to put it in my mind for later use. I recall upon the past to form my present. I don’t run ahead too fast. The best way for me to learn is to know when I have made a mistake or have done wrong. To be able to humble myself is the best way to understand and learn from myself.

“I take one day at a time, well sometimes two, but each day I try to remember what I do.”

With the past behind me, and my newfound knowledge of a piece of the real world, I began my journey to my success.

What is Success? Success is ending up where I want to be. Doing what I love, being with people I love, and having little difficulty while there.

Where do you want to be? Where I want to be is the third corner of my puzzle of culture. It all starts with my earliest memory, perhaps not surprisingly, is of my mother. She is an artist, a musician, was an art teacher, and through the fog of the past I see her at the piano playing show tunes, my sister and I dancing around and singing along. It is a memory that has recurred often whenever I have taken the stage. If my education to this point has been distinguished by anything, it has been by putting her inspiration to work in my own life. I guess, at the risk of sounding a bit sentimental and melodramatic, acting has allowed me to remove myself from personal situations that have not always been pleasant—unpleasant, early situations that themselves have competed over the years for first memory. Like a lot of my friends’ families, and a lot of families everywhere in our culture, ours has suffered the usual traumas—most notably, my parents’ divorce when I was seven, and all that goes with it. As far as divorces go, I suppose being four was as good an age as any to endure the sadness that my older sister and parents were obviously much more aware of than I. But still, nostalgia for me always mixes conflict and music. What has become increasingly clear to me over the years is that there must be some connection between what I feel when I perform and what I may have lost, or missed out on, when I was young. My acting teachers, my music teachers, my fellow performers have all been a source of learning to me. From an early age, I have found that I express myself best on the stage. On the stage I have had to learn things about myself and to open myself to emotions and ideas that might otherwise have stayed buried. That is what my mother has done to help build my culture, and how I picture my success. My father has inspired my educational aspect of life. I remember going to one of my fathers Audiophile shows and hearing him giving a lecture on his equipment. That tipped it off for me. The words he was using and the intense detail he could go into. Any question he was asked he would answer intellectually and completely. That is one example. Another, is when we would fight. He would have the ability to send a verbal barrage down upon someone like no other. It was amazing what he could do. I idolized him for that. Even though it was our fight, the way he would phrase things would make sense and sounded so “cool” I wanted to use big words and organize my thoughts so creatively and thoughtfully. He always pushed me to do well in school and to work hard. He said it would pay off. My father, on top of that, gave me an enormous freedom. He respected my individuality and my decisions, up to a point (I mean come on parents have to be parents sometimes). I also admired his patience. He could sit and try to figure out something on the computer for hours on end. I picked that trait up with my games on the computer. All in all, my parents have been role models to be too. Everything I have just explained is now part of my life. I have increased my vocabulary, I work harder in school, I am going to college for acting, so much. I feel much more intelligent, which boosts my confidence to do other things in life successfully. To me, being able to have an intellectual conversation is like scoring a winning touchdown to an NFL player.

“Not only my acting experience has helped me to thrive. It only opened a door for me to realize, what I had inside. I was raised with a strong moral and fundamental basis. These life experiences and people just opened my eyes to see this. Deep, it was, buried inside.”

I also have to thank my parents for my sister. My sister has had an enormous impact on my culture. She has taught me and showed me how to succeed on many levels. The best example is with college. She helped me with all my applications and got me into the perfect school, for me. My sister and me are on one level. We understand each other perfectly. With all her help she has guided me on the right path, which has helped defined my culture.

Teachers, Media, Religion, Oh my! These are the smaller parts of my culture but still a significant influence on my culture. Teachers have had a strong influence on my culture. Without my teachers I wouldn’t have gotten the basic fundamentals of education. With my education I have decided to grow and take it beyond just a history class, or a math class. I take what I learn and apply it to my own life. For example: This year in Pop Culture, we read the book “A Tribe Apart”. This book gave me a whole new aspect on life as a high school student. I had a much more relaxed view of life, and didn’t get bothered from insults, and teasing from fellow peers as much. The book set a new standing point, for my behavioral culture in a school environment. Education is preparing me for the future, by making me more learned in many different subjects. Media provides me with a link to the outside world. Although after this year I am a little more careful of what news I let into my head, because of a book called “Data Smog”, which describes the media as liars and producers of overwhelming, twisted news snippets. It is still the basic door to the world. I do not take the news for anything more than an educational purpose. I am catholic, technically. I went through communion and all those church ceremonies. I am also Italian which makes religious important, although I seem to only like eating the good food. The thing that always bothered me was the idea that in order to be catholic, you had to believe in only their ways. Their ways were right. Well that idea turned me off to having a specific religion. To me religion is just a way to learn about what might have happened in the past. I think it is great for people who can believe in religion and get fulfillment from it. I have no problem with religion. For myself, I need to look at all religions and take bits and pieces of each, that I like, and use them in my life. I then feel as though one religion is not holding me down and I do not have to be completely into the one idea. If an idea becomes distasteful at a later date, then changing it is not as hard. I stay very skeptical with religion in order to make myself not believe false hopes and when they do not come true I take a harder fall.

Culture (the last piece of the puzzle) Culture has many definitions, but it is always included with the line, “at a specific time”. This is like my culture. I am always part of a different culture, at a specific time, and I take from those cultures what I need to build myself a strong one. I am not always culture hopping, I do have my own fundamentals, but every now and again I jump into another culture, take a look, and jump right back out with new experiences to build me stronger. I do not believe that one must go soul searching, to me soul searching is trying too hard to build oneself. My soul comes to me in bits and pieces. It always has a core of my fundamentals and morals, but the outside is always building from all my experiences. The core, based upon my fundamentals and morals, is the key to my culture. In order for me to move on every day and provide for my own culture, I have to have a basis. I believe in fighting for a cause, when it is worth the effort. This was like last year when I made a controversial web page in school and fought for my freedom of speech rights when an attempt was made to take it off the web, and I was almost expelled. I didn’t just fight it to start trouble, I full heartedly believed in my rights. I choose my battles by which have the best impact on my life and which ones I can recoil from the aftermath. I believe in being completely honest. My conscience is huge. If I lie to my parents or do something wrong, a year could go by and I will still feel unrest until I tell the truth or right the wrong. I believe in respecting your elders no matter what the circumstance. The same goes for women. Yes you can yell at a woman but to get physically abusive is like beating up a small baby. Even though some women are bigger than the man it is just given that you don’t hit any woman. I truly think that just because someone is a minority or of a younger age should be given the same recognition when he/she knows better than the older, non-minority persons. I believe in the virtuous path of moral fundamentals. To follow the dark side, or so it is said, is to give up on life. The virtuous side is not always the easy one to follow but it gives the most satisfaction. To steal and lie are just not appealing. Once you begin that path, the repercussions are much bigger causing the bread crumbs you dropped on the other path to become eaten up by the birds. This makes the walk back nearly impossible. When I have children I want them to be street smart, book smart, and on that virtuous path. I want my kids to do some bad things in order to learn and have their own realization of why not to follow that path. Culture today is whatever you make of it and I chose mine from my own thinking. I kept myself as an individual. I do not want to be part of a circle. I want to be my own person, never tied down to one group. I want to be part of as many groups as I can and then I will choose which I will leave and which I will stay with. There are trillions of questions and answers out there. The way I deal with all the fears, unanswered questions, and soul searching is to take it one day, or even one step at a time, never dwelling on one bad step but using it to take the next. My culture at this point is where I want it to be. Now the last piece of the puzzle can be placed revealing the picture. Looking closely at the puzzle picture, one can only see a corner of a larger picture. Makes sense, my own culture isn’t done yet. I have a chance to take my culture and add to it, in the real world and college.

“Open mindedly and with an understanding of myself, I go into the darkness, that seems to hold a strong bright light in every corridor, that I will pass. Hopefully this light is of the virtuous nature, but if not I will cast upon my mind for reasons to decline, the temptation to go wrong, that falls in the throng of my life, my soul, and my culture.” 

Hard to explain, easy to write.

It is hard to really explain the situation. Boy meets girl, girl and boy become close in  a matter of seconds, various life timelines and people involved become walls impenetrable for reasons that make them stronger suited to be together. But those values, morals, outlooks on life, cause them to be unable to be together unless they are completely together, which makes their personalities match even more.  A situation that sounds like many movies beginnings, endings, and plots, all in a discernable order, if placed in any type of book would be un-readable. Yet to the people involved it becomes painfully clear that it is either black or white.  On one hand there is a mutual respect for one another, and then a selfishness on both ends in order to continue with their lives without one another in order to not feel what was so clear if it were not for the time it happened or others involved. Wondering if the feelings are mutual yet knowing they must be due to words that were exchanged on both ends, and the way the personalities line up. The pain caused from only a few days of interaction abruptly ended by distance. The pain not caused by either of the people but by the simple and complex ideal of one another. The music that plays in my head like a movie even after a simple reunion. A reunion not tainted by any expectations. A reunion as friends with a selfish glimmer of hope for something believed to be great. Trying to explain to others about the way this person changed your outlook on what is really out there for you, and having others tell you it probably isn’t true. Yet knowing in your heart that there is something “soul” mated about it. Perhaps you contend that it was a reason not for a matrimony but for an ability to see more than what you had set your expectations to believe in. Yet then having time, the one factor that we all curiously wait for, actually lead the story in the direction of a bitter sweat, ending that could turn into the beginning… That to me is the strangest part. The fact that that simple glimmer of what could be, even after pushed aside, and let to be part of memories, and reasoning, for some reason came back into light, by a chance encounter with semi effort on both ends. A pain once again felt, a feeling of hope lingering on every word, an attempt to enjoy every moment and syllable of thought, yet still clouded by the hurt it could entail if one became too invested in a possibility. A pain as described above as being caused by small bits of moment. An uncertainty, but a very willing yearn to chase to the entrance of the plane before it boards. A wonder of the strength of the other side of their life, and how fitting into it will effect the outcome. If the energy simplified before words or writing, just from smiles can and has effected them in such a way that there is no such idea as rebound. I don’t seem to have that in my vocabulary of life, I have my life and my ability to move on when needed. Of course I get caught in the mistakes of seeing smaller things as grand gestures when I am used to them not existing, but the hope that if it were to be united the strength in both people would be able to over come that and start something new. It is hard to explain other than a gut feeling, and when I see time playing into that feeling, you wonder about fate. Knowing that perhaps the pain you could subject yourself to by losing this thing is real, is the reason to pursue it in the first place. To feel true heartbreak not by distance or loss, but by time taking each other away.  But what if you never were able to have that heartbreak because time played a trick on you and it was just a moment of weakness in seconds, the batteries running low. What if the heartache is never achieved but given instead and unable to choose to take it, unable to open armed accept it.  It seems like time is speedily deciding with this, yet still I am afraid to once again trust time and set aside and consume myself with work and life outside of that moment that could potentially shape a huge part of my life. So I will make this small effort to rationalize the irrational, and signify to you the possible outcome without of course moving into the future. Just so you know when the future becomes the present, which seems like it will be soon, I can spare that second to assess how to synchronize watches, and if time is willing, do so happily and without a thought other than excitement for exploration.

This time it isn’t just about getting into shape, it is about addiction, mental stability, and

Even if it was just for a moment.

In that moment on the porch, thinking of everything that had just happened, I also had a strange realization that love, can diminish. It is strange to know you loved so strong and then be there when the love is not strong, sure you may have those feelings of love in the sense that you love them and always will, but it isn’t the romantic love, it isn’t the want to touch and be touched love, it is a diminished love, and feels quite weird. So perhaps that is just the difference between true love and just plain old text book love, because now that there was no stigma in the middle, that need to love harder, wasn’t there. (this part should not make sense to anyone btw, just a personal insight outloud) But I suppose the old saying, it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all, may be somewhat true, because in those moments captured on film or others here and there, those snippets of memories that usually make a movie script, that is where it lived the best and breathed life into the relationship, but like all movies, they end, and you can play them over and over again, until you understand just about every part of what worked and what didn’t. And I guess I have figured out and re-established the fact that yes, love was there, but it blanketed a very incompatible future. But hey, Even if it was just for a moment…

Blitzkrieg on my Health.

So it is hard to explain what I have been up to for my health the last month without judgement and misconceptions, but I wanted to share regardless. And for those of you who do not understand Anxiety or medication that goes with it, look it up before you judge.

The simplest way to start this is to say, I never look at the “New Year” as a moment where you make major life changes, I find myself always feeling like the “New Year” is actually the middle of the year. This year however, it just happened that right after the family gatherings, money spending for presents, hiatus of work due to holidays, departure of tourists from an already crowded city, massive amounts of unhealthy food(but food you cannot say no to because it is made with love), family crisis’s with my Grandmother going into the hospital for health issues, personal exploration into a past that remains hidden, tears, panic, stress, etc, right after it all there was a moment where the stress was at an all time low.

And my body and mind were ready for the next step. 

So let’s talk about the hardest part of a blitzkrieg of things that had to happen all at once in order for me to claim my health back: Medication.

When I was 19, something in my brain chemistry changed significantly where my normal anxiety got heightened.(turns out I had this all my life but never knew it) There are many theories I have for this, but the short and skinny of it, was I was no longer able to just be me in the terms that I had defined up until that point in my life. I was no longer able to go out without fears such as: where is the nearest bathroom, will I need to leave because I am having a panic attack, how quickly can I get home, will there be drinking.

Let me describe a panic attack for me. It is a feeling of nausea.  I feel as though I am getting sick quickly to the point of having to throw up. Now the shitty part about this is I am not one of those people who can throw up to feel better. I actually haven’t thrown up from anything but food poisoning since I was 19. I am the call Mom, cry, and lay down for 3 days puker. Lovely I know. 😛

So that feeling made it very difficult to go and do normal things, since nothing specific triggered this feeling of loss of control. Only those who have had panic can understand that it is not caused by situations of stress or obvious strife, you could be walking in a field of sugar fairies and making millions of dollars, but all of a sudden, BAM PANIC ATTACK. 

Well, this is why it is hard to explain the start of a hard journey 4 and half weeks ago. If you don’t understand that at 19 I got insane panic attacks, went to see numerous therapists to try to figure it out, all of them not having a clue what was causing it. Attach the fact that I could no longer get drunk because I would panic, smoke pot because I would panic, go out as much because I would be afraid of panicing causing me to panic.. you have a cocktail for a very depressing moment in life where you just wish you could be you again. 

Well after a year of it, I was able to accept the fact that who I was, was part of this. And I was able to overcome the panic, and learn it, understand it, and through strong helpful influences in my life, deal with them when they came. But it did mean changes of my lifestyle, changes I still hate.

You go to a bar with friends and say you don’t drink, you automatically get put into a straight edge category. This sucks specially when you are extremely outgoing and love people around you. There is some sort of stigma attached to it where you aren’t enjoying yourself if you are not drunk. Well guess what… now I love it. I save money, I don’t get hangovers, and I can drink a drink or two but I don’t need it to be me: energetic and open. Yes I have reservations and yes it used to help me like anyone else, but you learn to compensate. I actually get an almost associative drunk now with friends.

So then I graduated college and moved back home, and after 2 years of no serious panic attacks, I got the worst panic attacks of my life. I couldn’t leave the house, enjoy holidays, go out. So I decided even though it was ingrained in my mind for my whole life that drugs were bad to deal with issues, I had no other choice. I was prescribed Klonopin and Lorazopan. When this was happening I was on 3 MG of Klonopin Daily and the Lorazopan was if I spiked over the Klonopin.

Think of it like this: Your panic is a glass of water and each time you have an attack the water gets added to the glass, but there is no one drinking it after, so it builds up, causing them to happen more frequently and with more intensity as you get it more. The drug literally just allows you to drink the water and have an empty glass. It doesn’t make you weird or different it just allows you to be you. 

Well it worked. And this was a big time in my life where I got my job out in California. Well turns out, once I got that job, moved a million miles away, the panic got under control more. I didn’t need the drug as much. Problem was my doctor was on the East coast and no one was seeing me on a regular basis to help me cut my medication down. 

So I tried it on my own. I got all the way to 1 MG a day, and decided to cut to 0. Well if you look this one up, that is a BIG MISTAKE. You go through withdrawal very similar to heroin. And it was ugly, I made it 4 days before I had to go back on it so I could go to work and function, not from panic but from withdrawal. I won’t go into all the withdrawal side effects but it was ugly.

I felt like I failed, but I carried on. The drug wasn’t making me different, slow, or incapable, it was just there. 

Well over the next 5 years, I was able to get it down to .25 or .5MG a day which was just enough to not have side effects, but I always questioned if it was needed, because I was learning through self exploration how to deal with panic attacks on my own. I also started smoking again, which seems to help me with stress. I had quit for 5 years prior to California. So it was a big set back, but it also opened social doors up and at my job opportunities as fucked as that sounds. So I continued on and off for my 5 years. At the same time I gained a ton of weight. I got all the way up to 200lbs.

For someone who was always skinny with the metabolism of a damn jack rabbit it was depressing.(lost that metabolism at around 20) I felt like shit, I looked like shit, and I always felt like someone else. I was never me in this new environment. No one knew me as I knew me.

Well it took me literally 3 and a half years to finally do something about it. I joined up with a trainer and started my claim to me again. 

I had amazing results and not only did this new workout let me quit smoking cold turkey due to the endorphins, it also made me feel like me again. It also made me re-analyze EVERY aspect of my life, my job, my goals, the people around me, etc.

I am a very positive person and I realized my life style prior was not very positive. 

The thing that really showed me was the negative attitudes of those around me when I lost weight. The true friends shined bright as they commended me and supported me. But the dark influences in my life looked at me with resentment. And that sucked. Because when you start to get healthy, you want to share, and help those around you.

Well I was also on my own crusade with the weight loss and decided to see how low I could go, because prior to my trainer I didn’t even know I could have abs. I thought, in shape for me was just skinny. Little did I know.

Well I pushed it to the limit and I knew it. Problem was with all the life changes I needed to implement, I started smoking again and well, that was not a good combo, because it curbs your appetite and the last thing I needed when burning 1000-2000 calories a day was to not eat.

That was me NOT healthy.

Well I knew I had to make changes again and quit smoking again once I cleaned my life of the stresses. Mind you the stresses were so strong here, I felt like if I didn’t smoke, I would not be making the right decisions and my withdrawal may effect it in a negative way making me question if I did it right. So once I was able to figure it out, I made the change.

That was me healthy again. And getting very strong. 

I still looked at it as me heavier however. I have a very skewed sense of self image. I take pictures to keep track. And I am grateful for that. 

Anyway, extremely long story getting to the point now haha. After this years Holidays and New Year, I saw this picture and decided I needed to do this again. But this time, take my time, and add a few wrenched into the journey.

I met a therapist that would help me cut my medication the right way and help me to feel safe doing it, guiding me the whole way. Problem is, I also wanted to quit smoking soo badly. Well I can’t do that without working out, which is hard for me. And I couldn’t do all of that without eating healthy. I am lazy, and it is hard to cook my own healthy food. My sister helped me out greatly so far with that by helping me cook food for every day. 

So what did I do? All at once, I cut my medication to .25 a day, quit smoking, started working out, and revised my eating completely. One might look at that and say do it slower, not all at once, but my brain doesn’t work that way. I needed to do it all at once because they were all so tied to each other. Or you may look at it as these things are not that hard or connected, but they are all soo connected and difficult on a level that isn’t tangible. So for me I am extremely proud and excited for the next day everyday and the day of as well. 

My brain was ready to take the leap to get off the medication completely. I am damn good at dealing with my panic attacks when and if they happen these days so I want to be free of the medication and see if I can do it on my own. If I cannot at least I know instead of just being reliant on the medication. But it will take time. Cutting it down slowly over the next few months with the right help. Plus the drug company was starting to limit the production of what I took and it is scary to not have something that gives you withdrawal. Regardless of having a panic attack or not, without it from .5 to 0 equals withdrawal that is worse than panic.

My brain was also ready to get rid of the cigarettes. Sometimes your body just doesn’t want them anymore and you have to capitalize on that. I had to see a friend of mine go through chemo treatments when she is super healthy and never smoked, and I watched her strength during it, and realized I may not be that strong. And while not a deciding factor it helped to get my head thinking it was time to attempt quitting again. My mother said it indirectly the other day in a way that I liked. I made the mistake of starting smoking, and I had to fix it. Because even though I like it, it is a mistake and it is extremely dangerous. Which you know as a smoker but you ignore anyway, part of which is because of the extreme addicting aspects of it. It blinds you regardless of side effects. Which let me list some so you can grasp what I would deal with to smoke:

  1. Dulled smell 
  2. Dulled Taste
  3. I smelled
  4. My breath was horrid
  5. Nausea in the morning
  6. Frequent diarrhea
  7. Coughing up nasty hard phlegm every morning
  8. Constant clearing of my throat
  9. The feeling of being winded
  10. Higher intake of oxygen, making you breath smaller when not smoking
  11. Mouth sores from the nicotine
  12. Teeth discoloration(fixed this as well with a dentist prescribed whiting tray)
  13. Habits of smoking right after using the bathroom, midway through a movie, on the phone, at a bus stop, after getting off a bus, after eating, before eating, 2 before a workout, 1 right after, waking up, going to sleep, the list goes on with this one.
  14. Upset stomach often
  15. Curbed appetite.
  16. House smelled
  17. Clothes smelled
  18. TONS OF LAUNDRY
  19. 300$ a month to smoke

So these are just some of the things I overlooked to smoke, because without being able to drink, smoke pot, etc, I felt like it was my only edge left. The only thing that made me sociably acceptable when out with friends. Yes I may not drink but I go on smoke breaks.

Anyway, after quitting for the 4 and a half weeks so far, I feel amazing. But I get afraid that without the cigarettes the results won’t be as good from working out. I know it sounds counter-intuitive but it would yield faster results due to not being as hungry. But I couldn’t push as hard, and why get into shape to just be aesthetically pleasing. So this whole time I have just had to trust my workout, and know I will binge on some days, and crack here and there with food, but there is no rush. The first month is your body tightening without as much physical to show, the second month is more physical show, and the third month is a huge step. And after that, since I have a longer plan, I should be in amazing shape, and feel soo much better.

And to reiterate, it was my mistake to start, so I must take action to fix it.(even though I think smoking has sex appeal and I enjoy it, I get so pissed that we allow them to be sold even as a smoker, because I know what I am struggling with, and wish others didn’t have to ever do this. And I wish people understood how hard it is to quit smoking, it is as addictive if not more than other drugs because it is allowed to be incorporated into every part of our lives, not only associating it with the basics but with who we are.) And this time around I feel great about it. I feel empowered. I don’t want to smoke. I want to hike, i want to breath fresh air, I want to smell the beach, I want to inhale big for fresh crisp air, not a drag of a cigarette. I have been able to make the act of smoking seem bad in my head vs something I miss this time around.

I also made my own workout routine this time, combining aspects from Crossfit, p90x, and Insanity. It is high intensity but very doable everyday. I look forward to it. 

That mixed with the food I am eating, when i do break my diet, it is on healthy items, as I don’t own junk food in my house. So it is better to bing on some almond milk and cereal than 12 bags of chips or candy. 

My stomach feels amazing too. I thought I might need to get scoped prior, I thought I was broken, but the cigarettes really had bad effects on me.

I am not getting anxiety, I have had a few small attacks just from my body gettings used to the cut in medication, but it is healthy and very deal-able. That is exciting for me. I feel empowered. I feel like I will be able to go to 0 when it is time and be OK. 

The clarity I get from the workout and all these steps I mentioned is also letting me see more of the stuff in my past that may trigger this, and slowly but surely I am able to look at it without blocking it out completely, but that is another topic and something that will take a lot more time. But at least I see it and it isn’t so much of a “shit what if it just happens one day” thing that looms over you.

Day 1:

This is where I had to start from again. But this time I planned to do it differently. I plan to take my time. I have no rush to be ripped again, but I plan to be. I always lose weight in the winter and then gain in the summer. Which sucks Well not this time dammit. 

I have 5 months to get to the last picture I showed you in the black tank top.

On top of that I take a picture everyday in an app on my phone called 365 days. It allows me to keep track of the progress. I also keep my weight and BMI so I know what is muscle gain and weight loss. Because in the beginning the muscle gain always cancels out the weight loss. It is important to know both so you know you are progressing. 

This is week 3:

This is Week 4.5:

So this is my progress so far. And it is a lot more than just losing weight. It is a health change in my life, my body, and my mind.

The quote that has been resonating in my head lately is:

You get out of it what you put into it!

And how true that is. I am putting my heart and soul into this, and so I was worried to even write this, as I have no beaten anything yet, and I don’t want to jump the gun and make it sound like a victory. But I also appreciate the support, so I figured it was as good a time than any to share.

I will keep updating as it goes on, but so far, so great! 🙂

I feel great, I feel happy, I feel positive, and I feel strong.

And even though I am usually looked at with a very positive attitude I have days where I am deprressed, overwhelmed, and down. But even then I just remind myself to TRUST in the excercise, to trust in the eating, and to not put a time limit on this, as this is my life and it has to become my lifestyle to be successful. 

I had my chance to push to the limit, this is not that time.

So there ya have it, my exciting journey continues, and I smile, cry, and sweat through it all!

P.S. As I have designed this workout and eating routine, if you have ANY questions feel free to ask away 🙂

I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it, but I didn’t, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it’s the halves that halve you in half. I didn’t know, don’t know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me.

The feeling of the chase…

You can define love in many ways, from ideals to things you find exciting, to things that bring you comfort, or through endless notes on facebook, but there will always be something missing,

I believe I have a sense of what that is. It may be the string which ties all your thoughts and ideas together, slowly weaving through them, attaching them to one another. Not a mythical string, but a actual experience based string, actually traveling through your life and that of another, together, not through monologues or explanations, but through lunch, or a phone call, or the simple pleasures that come from running your nails along their arm as they rest their head onto your chest. For instance take what I have written about the idea of wanting those thoughtless high school nights back, to me that may actually be the material the string is made of and as you begin to knot that feeling of being 14 again around the ideas you have thought of or pictured in your mind. You begin to feel what it is like to get all the pieces of a very scattered puzzle to come together.

You chase the string like the chase of a relationship as it knits its way through all the different ideas, sometimes even missing and grabbing the ideas of the person you have met.

Sometimes we need to FEEL like we are teenagers again in the very basic sense, where our own age in our minds becomes that of a pubescent adolescent, which honestly, when do we NOT feel that anyway, we don’t age mentally as much as we think we do.. anyway I digress, if we apply that to what we know now and how we have grown, allowing us to actually enjoy the ride, what an awesome ride it can be.

Our own lives and inhibitions we have built up to protect ourselves and those around us from the society we are a part of can stop us from just living in a moment. We want we, we need, we feel blah blah. But whatever happened to just waiting till the next time you SEE the person. It is often missed with the millions of options we have these days to communicate and we fall in love with ideas written on paper, not applied interactions. I mean obviously, chase or no chase, I feel there is something very cool about just knowing the other person may be thinking of you and if not, there is no harm no foul. As a song lyric said the best,

“On my heart remains a trace
All that I seek is this moment
All day in my mind I recreate
If there was a way to get back
This feeling of the chase…”

So what does it mean? I dunno. All I know is it is nice to see some of the ideas I have written down and analyzed in my head making a little more sense, not as a plotted out plan, or as THIS IS HOW IT IS, and more of a left and right turn on a very windy road of intrigue. Cause they are moments I wrote down in my life when my brain thought to write it and not every bit of me, but smaller bits of who I think would be cool to be. But they never really had a shape, more of a giant pile of HOLY SHIT THAT IS A LOT OF “DEFINITE”, if anyone reads it as WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR, because holy shit that must come off as me asking to be married on day 1, when in actuality I am learning they were probably just experiences I was expressing from things I have seen, heard, experienced. It is the road through some of them that is exciting.

We are all unique people in our own way, and it is important to be able to figure out through interaction if we will ever be able to scratch the surface of the other person, because we all hold onto who we are strongly and it is hard to figure out if the other person: A. Will be able to figure you out, and B. Not invade our lives so we or they become more important than everything we have worked on to be the adult we have wanted to be since we were 7 and a “half” years old. So a balance between the childish feeling and the need to actually be an “adult”

So I plan on just driving the road like I did when I first got my license, FOR THE FUN OF IT, with no clear defined destination, racing down streets familiar, not afraid to get a lost every now and again, music blasting, windows open, cigarette blazing
.

The notebook, OVER THE TOP, or obtainable?

It isn’t that you cannot find love like that in a movie as over the top as the Notebook, it is just that is won’t play out like a movie, quickly and only those moments. So instead of being afraid of romance or using words like ‘cheesy’ when it happens, why not enjoy the moments as much as you can, because you never know when the next one will be. Not to mention the more you make someone feel stupid for thinking in a romantic way, the more numb they become to wanting or even thinking of doing it.

Don’t believe me? Ask your girlfriend the last time a guy did something super memorable or romantic for her. Maybe 1 out of 25 gets a romantic gesture. Girls seem to get how to do it a bit more but seem to do it less sporadically, more for special occasions like a birthday.

GUYS, all you have to do is listen to her when she talks. The smallest word out of her mouth incorporated into a moment can be the most romantic day of your life.

GIRLS, stop making fun of guys if they are romantic, because you are full of shit if you don’t like it a little bit. True there is such thing as too much, but until it is TOO MUCH, perhaps you should just enjoy it?

I suppose we have to fit roles. And if a girl sees you are romantic they automatically think you are THAT role. Wish people would look at each other like Trees. If you cut to the core, you will see the rings of life and understand there is much more than just the ONE ring you can see at that moment.

Anywhooo

Holidays, oh holidays…

Holidays, oh holidays. I always wish I had someone to bring home to Mom and Dad to share with them. I always feel as though it would just be that much more fun to have to decide where and when we will visit the different families and how we will balance the need to be with each other and the need to see our families. Knowing at the end of the day, we will find that solace in each other, regardless of the craziness we are about to embark on through the long car rides during the day, which in turn is time we would spend with each other. The pre-planning which usually means we are committed to each other. Planning anything is advance is usually a no no for non relationships because it gives off the impression of wanting more than what is there. But I guess I just like to think in advance this season more than the rest of the year because I know that due to my broken up family and distance between us I will have to do it with myself so I am used to it. This makes me automatically start to do it with someone I am interested in.

I also look at it by a climate thing too. The cold weather, a fireplace, some cheese and wine. Just sitting in warm pajamas and holding each other. Not necessarily alone, maybe my sisters are there chatting with us, or perhaps we are just playing with my family dog. Maybe sneaking off to bed early or watching as others go to sleep around us. But the feeling I get when I am home with the heat on and the lights a certain brightness and the tree sparkling. That feeling is one I want to share.

When things get overwhelming like holidays usually do with family, we can disappear to sneak that cigarette on the porch freezing our asses off together, but that unity of thought where we BOTH need to get away and we want to do it together. That always seems nice to me.

Holidays automatically bring the idea of love to the forefront whether it be there or not, wanted or not. But I don’t think it is about love, I think it is about human interaction. About the feelings that accompany us when we think of spending time with Family or friends, so obviously those we are interested in pop to the front of the list. This can play out for or against new relationships because of the pressures you may feel to HAVE to do any of the above, when I find through talking it out, it can be a much simpler equation that can always equal out to just meaning it is a holiday and working within its confines in needed and not something to even blink twice about, we all feel the stress.

I have always been one of those Italian boys who will introduce someone I meet to my family the day we meet if they are around. I don’t look at “meeting the family” as a big event but part of who I am and part of me I want to share. Although I must say, living a couple thousand miles away definitely does not help with it NOT being a big to do. :P

Oh and not to mention the FOOD. I want to share the food my family makes with EVERYONE I care about. Because it is probably some of the best food in the world and everyone should have chance to partake in it!

My Dads side is always a little more laid back on holidays, kind of the more classical cheese and wine feel and my Mom’s side is usually the more classical Italian “pranz”(get together) where the entire family comes, sings, yells, screams, gets to decibels that will break your ear drums, but we are all screaming because it has been a long time since we all sat in the same room and were able to share what was on our mind or reminisce about our great grandfathers mothers fathers etc. I think the stories are amazing, the way that the family was back before my time. The way the interactions were. It was, to me, like something out of an old black and white movie. But the one quality I always valued about my Italian family was the love they shared with each other. It was always people being kind, the men being gentlemen, the ladies slaving over the food with the men eating it as they hit their hands. The kids jumping around or playing in the corner preparing a dance recital or song to sing or playing dress up.

Anyway, all of this is part of who I am, this is what I saw growing up, through home movies or experience, and I always think how nice it would be to have someone that was interested enough in me and I in them that we would want to try to be a part of such a long history of stuff impossible to catch up on. Just trying to be there and not panicking from the loud intense moments or panicking and knowing it is OK.

So for me holidays alone do not make me lonely, just hopeful that I will be able to find someone eventually so they can share that with me while every single family member is around.

I want to know their favorite Christmas book so I can have it waiting to read to them before we go to sleep in the unfamiliar pull out bed in the guest room. I want to bring them down to open presents with me on Christmas and have them smell the coffee and taste the pancakes my dad makes and watch me and my sister be completely goofy once she has had her coffee. I want them to see the similarities between me and my dad(he is basically what I will look like in 30 years), and the many morals and creativity I have gotten from my mother. I want them to also see the talents my family has as they sit around the piano and sing, or sit and talk and joke(I want them to see my Uncle make the most ridiculous jokes), or just understand the love we all have for each other when we sit and watch a movie. The things holidays sometimes force you to do with your Family. I mean watching me and my sister curse to rile up my Mom is fun as hell, and watching us both freak out from random triggers unknown to us and needing to go lay down or get away for a minute.

I suppose holidays force you to see if someone wants to see who YOU are. It forces your significant other to be there and participate in your life. Because in the end family is the most important thing to all of us and I think many of us want to see how they interact with our families in the most extreme situations such as holidays force upon you. Not as a test but just as a way to get to know them and for them to get to know you better. Because honestly meeting them on a random Friday works too, holidays just give it a different atmosphere. There is no hiding who you have been in front of your family.

There is something strong that goes along with being part of the Italian Catholic family. Guilt and Family, oh and food. So while I may not be the definition of this, I like to at least share the parts I love the most about it, and have that hand to hold when I myself start to freak out from the pressures the holidays can bring.

Holidays, oh Holidays… Sometimes I guess I just want to cap them off with that New Year’s kiss, but not just a kiss, but something that you remember and look forward to at midnight. Not because it is different than the other kisses but because it is something deemed special by whatever book we have all been following. And that is one chapter I don’t mind adhering too. Even if it means a little planning is involved to get both our lives in the same place at that one tiny moment in time, I want to have that moment and I want to shuffle around some plans to make it happen.

Why? Because life is moments. And why deny ourselves moments that could be spectacular. And why not try them out even if they fail. Nothing to lose in the end really. We will be better off either way. Either way we find answers.

I guess touching on my last post a little, I know one thing, the chase is great, but eventually it is nice to know you are chasing something that you can give yourself to in a way you don’t just give a friend. And in return they will give it back. I myself realize I can only play for so long before I start to forget who I am because I am playing not being. I love to live in that moment but I need to live in it as me because otherwise I will second guess everything, and while that isn’t bad to work with someone else, I find it is healthy to be able to re-assess your points of view with people as long as they are willing to do it as well. So when the other is playing around or just being a separated version of themselves you are not actually re-assessing for reasons beyond a simple seconds worth of thought from the other person. I guess holidays have a tendency to make you think about a relationship like you do with your family and if you are willing to make the extra effort to do a simple act of opening the door for them or just as much, invest your time. A sort of unconditional love so to say. But more-so just the comfort of the things that don’t stress you as well, like your old room you left after college or the familiar star on the tree.

Holidays boldly try to make those beginning times happen quicker than you may feel comfortable with. So in that sense Holidays are a pain in the ass, but in the same sense, what’s the difference if Holidays help it along or not. I definitely see both sides here, and don’t have the answer as to yay or nay to either. It is finding someone who is open to a little bit of exploration whenever life decided to bring them together with you that is usually the crux. One person cannot make another change or be something other than what they want, I just wish more people could embrace feelings and regardless of past STUFF can live with it and let themselves open up to figuring out yay or nay without too much pulling of the others hair in-between. I know I can give a whole lot of myself to someone, but I have the reverse wall of others sometimes, mine becomes much more solid and impenetrable the longer I feel like their wall is stopping them from just enjoying those moments where they break character, the moments where the smiles are real, the feelings are overwhelming and indescribable, but instead of sucking back the tears of a moment like we do to save face, we just enjoy the release it brings and ride the wave of whatever the fuck it could mean, good or bad, past, present, or future thoughts.

And now that I have rambled my head off, I leave you with the same disclaimer as usual:

So those are my thoughts. Obviously I have a million more and I wonder if I express everything properly the first time, but that is OK I think, because there is time to re-address things and to talk about it, instead of it being chiseled into stone on, THIS IS HOW IT IS. Consider this my journal entry to myself with intent of someone reading it.

Are we all that important to one another?

Have you ever waited for the phone to ring? Have you ever just waited in general, even if you didn’t know the person more than a conversation or a glance, for the next time you could be in the same place at the same time. Where your brains both focused on each other and the words flowed from inspiration instilled by the other person.

I and any of my ex girlfriends will tell you I will not jump into “girlfriend boyfriend” status fast and I expect to know a whole lot about a person before I can see taking that step. It isn’t that I am afraid of a relationship it is that I am one of those rare few who actually thinks the title of girlfriend or boyfriend is important. And if I am going to take that step of commitment to the other person I want to make sure I am invested.

That is where I think I either hit or miss. I treat the dating in the beginning as a different animal. I look to find out as much as possible when I am talking to someone. I want to know that the person on the other end of the phone or in front of my face is able to give me who they are, unabated without the need for a title to open up. This usually ends up poorly for me, because I find that not many people are willing to build their walls from the ground up. They go in with a castle fully defended ready for battle. So by the time my words and personality shine through their wall breaking into who they are, my walls have built up around me to shelter me from the empty feeling I got back. And then it is nearly impossible for me to be myself anymore because I expect my first impressions to continue.

Which I have to say are usually not too off, not in a pretentious way, but in the idea that people usually show their true colors with those walls up, because when you break them down, it just means they are down for you, not the people around them, as well as they have broken down the “relationship walls” so who is to say if they are acting differently to you than a friend or family member. I mean why do we even build “walls” in the first place? What is so scary about being hurt by someone not working out on a relationship level? Shouldn’t we be running head long into these situations so we can have as many as possible to find what we want as quickly as possible. For a cultural need of love it is amazing how many boundaries we put up from letting us get there.

I think of love as a starting point, not the end. When you find love and maybe even marriage you are free of this stigma placed upon you at birth. You FOUND the holy grail, now you have a whole lot more to look forward to with this everlasting life without the need to squander the earth for love. So what will YOU do with eternity.

But I am off topic. What is it that causes that feeling in our stomach when we have an interaction with someone that feels right? What makes us pace back and forth, whether we admit it or not, or whether our life is busy enough to let it be more than a thought here or there? I think we all get it. I think we also have a tendency to try to make it go away so we don’t seem desperate or anxious. We all want to be “Cool”. But isn’t it cool to know that someone else is intriguing to you and you them. Shouldn’t we share those moments?

It reminds me of how I meet people I have dated or how I ask someone to the next step of a relationship. It has always been something very memorable. Not because I MUST have it as a special moment but because I am inspired to think about the time ahead of us as important and want to be able to perhaps one day look back on it and remember. A Polaroid in time. Something you flip through a scrap book when you are older and just you know the feeling it held for you. I don’t want to tell my kids, me and mommy met at a bar, and I was doing jello shots off her curves… I want it to be special to me and her. So I listen, I absorb, and trust me, we all have something that means something to us, as menial as it may be that makes for that perfect moment.

It is like the idea of digital cameras these days. They are so easily accessible that we often carry them and do not use them. Back in the days of my parents, to take a video it was a big ToDo, lights, microphones, heavy equipment and expensive film. So when Grandpa or dad busted out the camera as much as you may object you did it anyway because it was special.

And god those videos have emotion and raw truth to them. Because no one said, PUT THAT AWAY, or if they did it was shrugged off as funny.

I want to find someone in my life that agrees with the idea that a camera should be passed from hand to hand snapping times of life together. Not just a way to grab a point smile click shot, but a mini photo shoot in the middle of the street on the way to work. Where both people on each end of the camera can look back later and see who THEY were.

I want to be able to riffle through a box of old Polaroids with someone and show my kids how old I really am :)

And I am off topic again.

I enjoy those moments when I sit antsy waiting for the next encounter where I can talk to someone that made an impression. I don’t expect anything more than a conversation. I guess I want to say I break the mold of “OMG I need to be with you, that is why I have butterflies until our next talk”. I just want to be able to share with someone who seems to be able to understand my musings and theirs inspire mine to keep going.

It seems to me that showing interest in someone or admitting to the feeling of butterflies defies your true intentions. It is as if you just gave the person an arrow for the bow they had strung. And dagnammit(yes I said that) they are gonna fire quickly. Why would they fire? Because you have just given them the advantage. They now control the situation because either they can agree they enjoy the time with you and even the playing field or shoot it as fast as possible to quell all odds of the dice roll when meeting someone. Just because I am interested in someone doesn’t mean we are good for each other. I base that first feeling on just that a feeling, an impression, an aura of their person. That doesn’t mean I know ANYTHING about them. But it does mean I want to find out. I want to be able to have that open conversation over and over where each time when we stop talking I feel more nervous stomach feelings, because it is working out. To get to the point where I would pursue someone, I need to at least have them open up and spend time with me and I with them. All I can say in the beginning is, wow you make me feel good. And that is good enough for me. But why should I hide it in a cat and mouse game? I won’t and I will dig my grave with many people this way, but I will not give up on the idea that eventually someone will be interested in kissing at the beginning of a date just to see if that chemistry is there instead of spending too much time of a small life guessing. At the same time there needs to be a balance rope of those moments and where you wait for the phone to ring.

I loved what my stepmother once said, where when I find the person I am meant to be with, it will be explosive, because after all this thought and all these ideas, if the other person has had half these thoughts too, the conversation should be freakin’ fireworks.

We do not need to assume everything about a person’s intentions if we are just living to share. There is no reason to be afraid of a conversation, because it may lead to happiness and if it doesn’t work out the way of “love” then we had a great conversation and that conversation helped to build us as people.

We are all so important to one another. The people we come across, the music we listen to, the moments we have, they are forever. As much as we may push forward to further careers, or to just enhance our daily lives with shit not boring, at the end of the day, the people around us are the real important part. They are what help us to be who we are, because we have something else to base our existence on. A movie I just watched said “The bravest people are those who are not afraid to stay still”.

This is a new idea to me. I am one of those people who wishes for the simpler life but knows I would need something to give me that monumental feeling of completeness in my mind to be able to stop pushing forward to enjoy that kind of life.

To go out into the woods and camp out on the hood of a car or sit in the sweltering heat with a person that makes me feel good that the sweat and the bugs are not a bother but a feeling. Side by side, staring blankly upward, but there together. No topic too small or big. I guess to find someone that understands when to be silent and when to chat nonstop would be nice. When to just BE in the moment and when to search for it.

I often reference Alabama type shit for those “moments” because I find they are the most relatable through pop culture or movies but I am a city boy at heart and I find the romance in a city to be truly amazing. The sidewalks, the graffiti, the random tree here or there, the parks, the busy streets filled with people, the food at 4 am. These all are places I picture adventures as well.

How I will find it, life still hasn’t told me. So it should be a fun ride.

Oh and the next person to say “FML”, I’m going to send you anthrax.

In my head, living the dream.

I think the most important feature for someone to fall in love with is the other persons face. I don’t say this because of beauty, but because of the way her smile makes you smile, the way her eyes sparkle just for you. That special sparkle that lets you into, them, as a person. Or even as simple as the way their nose crinkles or the lines in their jaw.

In a world where love is defined as a multitude of cultural differences, choices in life, eating habits, and stress levels, the face never changes. The face never lies.

In 100 years if you can picture staring at that person next to you and seeing their beauty through your eyes, you have found love.

Of course, the challenge is finding that beauty you need with a person you are compatible with. But life will change us every day. I am not the same person I was when I was young, nor am I the same person I was yesterday, and while some may consider a marriage in which every ten years you re-evaluate if you fit, I see a mixture.

Someone’s appearance isn’t everything. You can gain and lose weight as quickly as the blink of an eye. Your can cut or grow your hair. Your style fits you when you need it. However, there is an essence in the face, that shows the way a person is. You can see the core of someone’s morals through their face. I have recently draw upon the idea that some of the most successful relationships I have ever seen were when the couple had similar physical traits, mostly in their faces or expressions.

It is kind of like an owner and their dog, just not in a weird beastial way :P

Perhaps it is the idea that behind all of our self doubt and self consciousness, we are beautiful to ourselves. If we didn’t have some semblance of this, doubts and all, I don’t think we would make it from day to day. So perhaps in a very basic sort of way, we see that one thing we have no control over; the beauty in ourselves through our own eyes and we find that in our perfect match. And perhaps that same thing that controls that part of our subconscious is a part of what makes our minds run the way they do and hard codes us with the choices we will make, and the paths we decide to travel. If we go after those who grab us not for the makeup and eyeliner, but the pure, simplistic, animalistic, unabated beauty, we may find love for the rest of our lives.

It is hard to say beauty is within, when our first impressions are usually without. So why not go with that first gut reaction, because if you make sacrifices to your own feelings, you may end up in love with the idea of love itself and not the person next to you.

Who knows, maybe the simple way you can stare into their eyes, is actually a mental pheromone which shows you a similar path you are both going to journey down, a compatibility unseen until you jump in. That simple sparkle may act as a light to guide the way, for both of you.

Why I write…

People often question my intentions when I write, or why I do it. I have yet to be able to answer this one, but I do know it helps me, not them, to remember what I was thinking at a certain time. Maybe little cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

The Two Face Theory

There are two faces to every girl. The face you see when you come home from work, the face you see when you are covered in daily dirt, even the face you see when you cry. That is face one, the one. Now there is face two the one where you are so close. You are face to face, all blemishes to see, yet all I look for and hope you see the same in me, is to see a sparkle in your eye. I want to find that sparkle and have it last forever, I want to find that sparkle, not make it an endeavor, by this I don’t want the games to play, some drama here or there, is fun but maybe just today and tomorrow, and then a day off, sure it can be exciting I won’t deny that feat. The simple touch and connection I want to find, seemingly something you can find. So in this second face you and me, we will kiss and it will last, last and last, just because kissing is amazing to me, and in that second face to kiss with an eternity going by. The longer the better in my eyes. Sometimes to be slick the writer will say it lasted for the perfect moment, but want the moment to be more than just a moment, I want it to be the rest of my life.

The Two Face Theory

There are two faces to every girl. The face you see when you come home from work, the face you see when you are covered in daily dirt, even the face you see when you cry. That is face one, the one. Now there is face two the one where you are so close. You are face to face, all blemishes to see, yet all I look for and hope you see the same in me, is to see a sparkle in your eye. I want to find that sparkle and have it last forever, I want to find that sparkle, not make it an endeavor, by this I don’t want the games to play, some drama here or there, is fun but maybe just today and tomorrow, and then a day off, sure it can be exciting I won’t deny that feat. The simple touch and connection I want to find, seemingly something you can find. So in this second face you and me, we will kiss and it will last, last and last, just because kissing is amazing to me, and in that second face to kiss with an eternity going by. The longer the better in my eyes. Sometimes to be slick the writer will say it lasted for the perfect moment, but want the moment to be more than just a moment, I want it to be the rest of my life.

Love is not enough…

Every one of my last relationships has ended because “love” was enough for them. “Love” is the beginning of opening up the rest of your life. It lifts the weight of trying to find the unattainable life goal so you can do other things magical with the love, the person you have found, and your life in general.

So why stay in a relationship defined by hopelessness, I am not a hopeless romantic, I am hopeful. Should you be “waiting” for the perfect moment? Is it like where you love your job but don’t know if it is where you want to be till the end, so you stick it out waiting to see what will happen in a few years time that may push you closer, further, or to a similar path? So should you be waiting or should you be fixing, actively, or is the waiting, part of the fixing. There is no black and white to any of this shit. It is what works for you or what pushes your brain to the edge of insanity allowing you to evolve to the place you need to be.

Love is not enough.

Every one of my last relationships has ended because “love” was enough for them. “Love” is the beginning of opening up the rest of your life. It lifts the weight of trying to find the unattainable life goal so you can do other things magical with the love, the person you have found, and your life in general.

So why stay in a relationship defined by hopelessness, I am not a hopeless romantic, I am hopeful. Should you be “waiting” for the perfect moment? Is it like where you love your job but don’t know if it is where you want to be till the end, so you stick it out waiting to see what will happen in a few years time that may push you closer, further, or to a similar path? So should you be waiting or should you be fixing, actively, or is the waiting, part of the fixing. There is no black and white to any of this shit. It is what works for you or what pushes your brain to the edge of insanity allowing you to evolve to the place you need to be.

Me and my friend Aleece from California. We decided to do some shots together before I moved back to NY.

No I do not smoke.

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