These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Author: Tristan (Page 11 of 17)

Smoking…

So I did some research and I have decided to extend my use of the patch. My brain isn’t ready to quite nicotine completely yet, and it seems that my options here are struggle REALLY hard and lose a lot of progress or just stay on the patch for a bit longer. The patch is 100x’s better than smoking so I chose that. 

This feels like a movie… Perhaps I shouldn’t want it to…

To be in the relationship where you can compare it to a movie, I know I have felt it, experienced it.  But to reflect on the basics of a movie, you would assume perhaps this is not the “perfect” relationship at all. Perhaps if your relationship reminds you of a movie it is because you remember it like a movie, only savoring the exact edits. You pass the in between time with cuts. A slideshow of a period of time, pictures a day, with the proper filters on them to give them the film feel. Somehow even though the normal everyday life may be normal and not out of the ordinary, with the right color correction and depth of field you miss the world around anything that may seem perfect.  Instead of the feeling of bliss when your relationship turns into a movie, moment after moment, it should be a warning that you are only watching the highlights of a complete picture. I mean that is what a movie is comprised of, the perfect moments, good and bad, dramatized for the passing of time, or the emotion needed for portrayal of character.

A movie is easy to critique or judge, but ever decision every day, takes an open mind. One that can look past the personal opinions buried inside yourself. Yet at the same time it becomes a balance of your own opinion mixed with feelings depending on the sleep you had, what you ate, and that of the people around you. Life itself can often fall into a script like approach, revision after revision. The apprehension to improv alone stands in your way.

So perhaps it is a mastery only befitting of a surrounding in which there are no movies or editing techniques to compare to. A world based on the truth around you, not the truth you use to karmic-ly get through the day.  A place where your own perfection cannot exist because the only perfect is the days you spend living. Even this, as I write is influenced by the perceptions put forth around me, prideful or filled with humility.

So tonight I look forward thinking back upon the old relationships and moments in time I had where I thought things felt like a movie and realize, I probably don’t want a movie. If I only have fragments of time with years skipped in between due to the time constraints of an audience, I myself am not giving life itself enough care. My mind will then be unable to mature and reflect as well as see my steps I take ever breath of the day.

I cannot skip chapters in my life, because there is no rewind, but there is definitely a fade to black.

Blitzkrieg on my Health Update

‎Today I had my first HUGE visible # changes.

6 weeks ago:

17 Body Fat % and 170 lbs

Today: 11.7 Body Fat % and 161.7 lbs

Just goes to show, put in the effort, get the results!

For those of you working yourself, know this, I broke my diet, I failed to push somedays, but I never stopped doing it. I always showed up and will continue to.

January

February

I am getting really excited from the new cuts and curves I am seeing, especially in my back and side

One of my favorite songs that tells love how I see it.

Say exactly how you feel
Right now your free to say it all
There is no one here to judge you
I only love you
You’re free to close your eyes and fall
You can trust me this is real


Is your life moving on the same timeline as mine?

I swear depending on where you are in life your life moves at different speeds. Ever have a dream and wake up instantly? Ever have a dream that lasted days?But in reality it was still the same time period in terms of a clock time. Now apply that same idea to a job or a year of life. How fast did your week feel? How long did the last few years feel? If I felt like my week sped by and you felt it crawl by does our perception of time actually change how we would see each other? If I said I will talk to you in a week and my week flew by but yours was drawn out, would you feel like I was ignoring you or as if you needed to find someone else to talk to when it felt as though all I thought about was you?

Just some food for thought.

Holy shit, how did they get a picture of my inner fatty!??!!

Photographer Poetry :) (inspired for sure)

We love to be infront of the camera covered with an insecurity and talent of knowing ourselves well enough to get others to open up to our cameras in a way that we end up behind it more. Every now and again stepping infront of it, and loving the shutter sound, but feeling slightly uncomfortable and wanting to be checking the settings and minuscule screen every snap/flash/focus. A deeper desire that can stem from it all to have someone in our lives that approves of turning the camera phone around and at two lives instead of one, and using some silly app to send our photo booth mock up into and weeks later receive them in the mail, looking at the strip together and laughing, or getting it alone, and waiting for the other to come home to kiss them as we sneak it into their purse/pocket so they are as excited to find it the next day as we were. Not necessarily even needing a kitchy moment, but just knowing together both lives are captured in an acceptable way to each other.

Will I experience that life? Will I be able to close the riveting book of my own love?

I have always dreamed of different lives. I often wonder which ones I will experience in my time. And perhaps if the world is a constant thing, where your energy is re-used later on even after death, will I experience it at a later date or have I already experienced hence my yearn to feel those lives. This is not to say, my life is boring or I am not enjoying it, it is just the idea that other aspects of all sorts of ways of passing time in life intrigue me. From the simplest to the most complex.

My first dream is to live a life of simple needs. A life where money isn’t more than a way to buy groceries and gas. A life where your relationships and the people around you move you from day to day. Where you live a mile from your mother until she leaves you, you by her side. A place where you find love in love itself. Where the person you are with is just with you and you with them. Because there is nothing else but love and living. Where you wake up early because you can, and you don’t feel time other than when you are called to dinner. Perhaps this is on a farm with nothing but your crops, or perhaps it is the life of an artist just making ends meat in New Orleans, never making it to Hollywood, but going to local jazz clubs and coffee shops, just having what you and your friends say to live by. Sitting and talking, quitting job after job, putting on the name tag, until you leave to go home to your small one room flat to lay in the heat with the one you love. Wearing tattered hand me downs, sipping homemade lemonade to fight off the humid heat. Just think of what New Orleans means to you, or Oklahoma. The basic meaning of these words. This is what I mean.

Perhaps an alteration of that is living the life of someone trying so hard to become what you want to, but stopping yourself because you are so used to this life. Where you push soo hard to become something and the person you are with leaves you when they see you are wasting life away on comforts. Yet in the end, you realize, it wasn’t each others dreams you loved, but the situations this caused, and you find each other for the rest of your lives. Selling cereal. (movie reference)

The second life is that where war overrides the daily cultures, social aspects, and meanings of life. Your course is preplanned and you fight toward a common goal. A place where you hold your best friends hand covered in blood, not thinking about the diseases that can be transmitted but about what you are going to tell his/her significant other. Not a place where you need to keep up with the latest technologies or when the next txt message will come in to tell you what to do that night, but you eat pre-heated food and the meaningless pleasure of a bath is like being a king. You smoke cigarettes without the fear of cancer because you can enjoy everything in life as it is handed to you. For all you know tomorrow will be your time. This looming idea of destruction and death makes you live life a way you never knew possible. Even in war though, would I be content just following orders or would I end up pushing to further my place in that hierarchy as well.

The third is a life of glamour. Living each day without a monetary care in the world, but the pressures of the “scene” on your shoulders constantly. Having the ability to be in the bleeding edge of life, because every door opens freely. Battling the fake and reals of life. Unable to leave your house without others wanting to see what you are doing, flashes blinding all moments in your life. But you must sacrifice being with your old friends and family. You must go where you are needed, not by those who brought you into the world, but the new family called your fans. But how do you balance this life and the life you miss. When can you say, I have done enough, I am content, when do you turn down the next script.
The fourth is that of comfort. Finding that thing you are good at, but not being able to push it to the limits or finding that break to be “popular”. Perhapsyou become the self loathing teacher of your passion, the one who never made it. Or perhaps a drone in a cubicle, doing your work at top notch because it all makes sense, and you are always ahead of the curve.

The fifth is the life where you forget yourself. And you live in this life because it brings you the comforts of money, relaxation, stress, and keeping up with the Benjamins next door. You go through the motions of life because your job allows you to.

Or perhaps the last would be just trying ever one of your passions out until you have exhausted all options not really being content or upset. But in a constant motion.

Ultimately, I would like to be able to find someone in my life, who can share these pieces of all lives together. Where you are able to live your dreams, but after you feel content you can settle down in love. You can have a mattress on the floor of an empty house. You can paint the walls together, playfully splashing it over your loved one, turning into a heated passionate moment on that mattress, the one piece of the house that won’t change. Growing together eventually raising a child to grow in your lives with you. I think most importantly is the idea of the photographer living with the model/makeup artist. The lives of those who love each other should feel like a flowing river. Mixing the dirt and sand from the coast, but always ending up in that river. Eventually leading into a circular lake, where the world now begins to fall behind and fills your bed of water without you having to put the efforts of say a first date. Like the idea of my Grandmother using the internet. When it finally got to her, she didn’t need to master it, but it was cool. Living with someone who you look forward to looking at their splashes of paint on the wall, or their work spread all over the bedroom. For me, the artistic approach to life. I want someone who loves the arts equally. All aspects. Better than me in some kinds and me them. This wouldn’t cause friction but pride for their abilities. I have always dreamed of someone who was good at the “Hollywood flat or Soho” feel of life, and it reflected their record player and style. Edgy but with the want and yearn for living life calmer than those who have to go and DO just to feel alive. The appreciation for the quick city as well as the class of the 50’s.

Being able to grow together like this, being able to live your passions and have that other person see you grow and you them, as you both make your lives what you want. Or perhaps you fail or she fails, but either way you have experienced and tried, and have each other to love, and have the painted walls, which your hands bled over as the groundwork for your lives forever.

I know this is not the most articulate piece of writing I have ever written, but I want to get the thoughts out. Just some raw ideas. Perhaps I will revisit this at a later date and pretty it up.

I wonder if one day I will meet that person with smooth pale skin, eyes as blue as 20 steps deeper than man can journey down into the sea. (This is just an example for those red heads out there that think I am creepy, the movie I just saw had someone in it that reminded me of this look which has always had a place in my heart.) I wonder if regardless of what stages in life we are at, if eventually we will meet in the middle. Like the life of Benjamin Button.(as contrived as that movie was, event eh notebook held more water) The man who lived his life from old to young, and met his soul mate when she was in the middle of her life, and for that moment, regardless of the direction both lives are going, that fleeting moment will be perfect, and it will line up. And from that point on, as she grows older and he gets younger, they are destined to live in each other’s lives, no matter what the circumstances. He will always be there for her and she will hold his hand as he forgets to walk. And those fleeting moments they will know they had love.

When that other person in my life passes away or I pass away, I want to know that I have loved, that she was my soulmate and I will never yearn for anything else. My friends will not push me out to meet someone else because they know I only needed that time with her. And now that part of my life, that chapter in my life, is complete. When I see a movie where someone has found true love and they are a young age when one dies, it is hard for me to fathom how they could ever have someone else. If you find perfection, how can you top an already impossible feat. Perfection does not exist, only times in peoples lives lining up.

So you are having a bad day and mine was great, we are on a different time line in life for the moment. My day flew by, yours at a crawl. I hope there will be strength enough to be able to sprint to catch up to each other, or perhaps take a moment to smell the day, and wait for the other. The place where people are in their lives is always scary, because when you live in such a fast paced world where you want to be a part of a big city or fast moving industry, it can be a matter of seconds to lose that chance to see what could have been.

I guess what I am trying to say is there is something intriguing about living like a gypsy, but not unless you have someone with you who you love already, because lets be honest, in real life, gypsies don’t have dental insurance and Hollywood makeup artists. :)

(btw if ur tagged it is because I enjoy your feedback, but don’t feel obligated.)

(also normal disclaimer: I just feel the need to get thoughts written out sometimes, most the time these are not MEANT for direct reading by other people, or with that intention, they are written for me to go back to later when I wonder why. I mean it is very true that we all see our stories and lives differently than someone not in our head to see the images that go with the words.)

This feels like a movie… Perhaps I shouldn’t want it to.

To be in the relationship where you can compare it to a movie, I know I have felt it, experienced it.  But to reflect on the basics of a movie, you would assume perhaps this is not the “perfect” relationship at all. Perhaps if your relationship reminds you of a movie it is because you remember it like a movie, only savoring the exact edits. You pass the in between time with cuts. A slideshow of a period of time, pictures a day, with the proper filters on them to give them the film feel. Somehow even though the normal everyday life may be normal and not out of the ordinary, with the right color correction and depth of field you miss the world around anything that may seem perfect.  Instead of the feeling of bliss when your relationship turns into a movie, moment after moment, it should be a warning that you are only watching the highlights of a complete picture. I mean that is what a movie is comprised of, the perfect moments, good and bad, dramatized for the passing of time, or the emotion needed for portrayal of character.

A movie is easy to critique or judge, but ever decision every day, takes an open mind. One that can look past the personal opinions buried inside yourself. Yet at the same time it becomes a balance of your own opinion mixed with feelings depending on the sleep you had, what you ate, and that of the people around you. Life itself can often fall into a script like approach, revision after revision. The apprehension to improv alone stands in your way.

So perhaps it is a mastery only befitting of a surrounding in which there are no movies or editing techniques to compare to. A world based on the truth around you, not the truth you use to karmic-ly get through the day.  A place where your own perfection cannot exist because the only perfect is the days you spend living. Even this, as I write is influenced by the perceptions put forth around me, prideful or filled with humility.

So tonight I look forward thinking back upon the old relationships and moments in time I had where I thought things felt like a movie and realize, I probably don’t want a movie. If I only have fragments of time with years skipped in between due to the time constraints of an audience, I myself am not giving life itself enough care. My mind will then be unable to mature and reflect as well as see my steps I take ever breath of the day.

I cannot skip chapters in my life, because there is no rewind, but there is definitely a fade to black.

The X Theory

To put it in metaphor, I’d say that oftentimes paths will cross, as Fate would have it, and that would be Instant Love; however, in order to keep this instant love, you must apply that conscious effort to pursue… because when paths cross, they will naturally meet at one point, the middle of an X {a cross- those physical, chemical, mental changes}, and then start going the opposite way, as is natural with growing and life changing. This is where the effort to pursue Love comes in… where people will take the time, effort, and energy to pave a new road together. Regardless of where those roads of Fate may lead. And the strength of that crossing point will help to determine if it will last or it will grow apart. Because we are on different timelines, but if when we meet the intersection was strong enough, it can bind us together even as time changes who we will be.

“ Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.”

Is your life moving on the same timeline as mine?

I swear depending on where you are in life your life moves at different speeds. Ever have a dream and wake up instantly? Ever have a dream that lasted days?But in reality it was still the same time period in terms of a clock time. Now apply that same idea to a job or a year of life. How fast did your week feel? How long did the last few years feel? If I felt like my week sped by and you felt it crawl by does our perception of time actually change how we would see each other? If I said I will talk to you in a week and my week flew by but yours was drawn out, would you feel like I was ignoring you or as if you needed to find someone else to talk to when it felt as though all I thought about was you?

Just some food for thought.

Will I experience that life? Will I be able to close the riveting book of my own love?

I have always dreamed of different lives. I often wonder which ones I will experience in my time. And perhaps if the world is a constant thing, where your energy is re-used later on even after death, will I experience it at a later date or have I already experienced hence my yearn to feel those lives. This is not to say, my life is boring or I am not enjoying it, it is just the idea that other aspects of all sorts of ways of passing time in life intrigue me. From the simplest to the most complex.

My first dream is to live a life of simple needs. A life where money isn’t more than a way to buy groceries and gas. A life where your relationships and the people around you move you from day to day. Where you live a mile from your mother until she leaves you, you by her side. A place where you find love in love itself. Where the person you are with is just with you and you with them. Because there is nothing else but love and living. Where you wake up early because you can, and you don’t feel time other than when you are called to dinner. Perhaps this is on a farm with nothing but your crops, or perhaps it is the life of an artist just making ends meat in New Orleans, never making it to Hollywood, but going to local jazz clubs and coffee shops, just having what you and your friends say to live by. Sitting and talking, quitting job after job, putting on the name tag, until you leave to go home to your small one room flat to lay in the heat with the one you love. Wearing tattered hand me downs, sipping homemade lemonade to fight off the humid heat. Just think of what New Orleans means to you, or Oklahoma. The basic meaning of these words. This is what I mean.

Perhaps an alteration of that is living the life of someone trying so hard to become what you want to, but stopping yourself because you are so used to this life. Where you push soo hard to become something and the person you are with leaves you when they see you are wasting life away on comforts. Yet in the end, you realize, it wasn’t each others dreams you loved, but the situations this caused, and you find each other for the rest of your lives. Selling cereal. (movie reference)

The second life is that where war overrides the daily cultures, social aspects, and meanings of life. Your course is preplanned and you fight toward a common goal. A place where you hold your best friends hand covered in blood, not thinking about the diseases that can be transmitted but about what you are going to tell his/her significant other. Not a place where you need to keep up with the latest technologies or when the next txt message will come in to tell you what to do that night, but you eat pre-heated food and the meaningless pleasure of a bath is like being a king. You smoke cigarettes without the fear of cancer because you can enjoy everything in life as it is handed to you. For all you know tomorrow will be your time. This looming idea of destruction and death makes you live life a way you never knew possible. Even in war though, would I be content just following orders or would I end up pushing to further my place in that hierarchy as well.

The third is a life of glamour. Living each day without a monetary care in the world, but the pressures of the “scene” on your shoulders constantly. Having the ability to be in the bleeding edge of life, because every door opens freely. Battling the fake and reals of life. Unable to leave your house without others wanting to see what you are doing, flashes blinding all moments in your life. But you must sacrifice being with your old friends and family. You must go where you are needed, not by those who brought you into the world, but the new family called your fans. But how do you balance this life and the life you miss. When can you say, I have done enough, I am content, when do you turn down the next script.
The fourth is that of comfort. Finding that thing you are good at, but not being able to push it to the limits or finding that break to be “popular”. Perhapsyou become the self loathing teacher of your passion, the one who never made it. Or perhaps a drone in a cubicle, doing your work at top notch because it all makes sense, and you are always ahead of the curve.

The fifth is the life where you forget yourself. And you live in this life because it brings you the comforts of money, relaxation, stress, and keeping up with the Benjamins next door. You go through the motions of life because your job allows you to.

Or perhaps the last would be just trying ever one of your passions out until you have exhausted all options not really being content or upset. But in a constant motion.

Ultimately, I would like to be able to find someone in my life, who can share these pieces of all lives together. Where you are able to live your dreams, but after you feel content you can settle down in love. You can have a mattress on the floor of an empty house. You can paint the walls together, playfully splashing it over your loved one, turning into a heated passionate moment on that mattress, the one piece of the house that won’t change. Growing together eventually raising a child to grow in your lives with you. I think most importantly is the idea of the photographer living with the model/makeup artist. The lives of those who love each other should feel like a flowing river. Mixing the dirt and sand from the coast, but always ending up in that river. Eventually leading into a circular lake, where the world now begins to fall behind and fills your bed of water without you having to put the efforts of say a first date. Like the idea of my Grandmother using the internet. When it finally got to her, she didn’t need to master it, but it was cool. Living with someone who you look forward to looking at their splashes of paint on the wall, or their work spread all over the bedroom. For me, the artistic approach to life. I want someone who loves the arts equally. All aspects. Better than me in some kinds and me them. This wouldn’t cause friction but pride for their abilities. I have always dreamed of someone who was good at the “Hollywood flat or Soho” feel of life, and it reflected their record player and style. Edgy but with the want and yearn for living life calmer than those who have to go and DO just to feel alive. The appreciation for the quick city as well as the class of the 50’s.

Being able to grow together like this, being able to live your passions and have that other person see you grow and you them, as you both make your lives what you want. Or perhaps you fail or she fails, but either way you have experienced and tried, and have each other to love, and have the painted walls, which your hands bled over as the groundwork for your lives forever.

I know this is not the most articulate piece of writing I have ever written, but I want to get the thoughts out. Just some raw ideas. Perhaps I will revisit this at a later date and pretty it up.

I wonder if one day I will meet that person with smooth pale skin, eyes as blue as 20 steps deeper than man can journey down into the sea. (This is just an example for those red heads out there that think I am creepy, the movie I just saw had someone in it that reminded me of this look which has always had a place in my heart.) I wonder if regardless of what stages in life we are at, if eventually we will meet in the middle. Like the life of Benjamin Button.(as contrived as that movie was, event eh notebook held more water) The man who lived his life from old to young, and met his soul mate when she was in the middle of her life, and for that moment, regardless of the direction both lives are going, that fleeting moment will be perfect, and it will line up. And from that point on, as she grows older and he gets younger, they are destined to live in each other’s lives, no matter what the circumstances. He will always be there for her and she will hold his hand as he forgets to walk. And those fleeting moments they will know they had love.

When that other person in my life passes away or I pass away, I want to know that I have loved, that she was my soulmate and I will never yearn for anything else. My friends will not push me out to meet someone else because they know I only needed that time with her. And now that part of my life, that chapter in my life, is complete. When I see a movie where someone has found true love and they are a young age when one dies, it is hard for me to fathom how they could ever have someone else. If you find perfection, how can you top an already impossible feat. Perfection does not exist, only times in peoples lives lining up.

So you are having a bad day and mine was great, we are on a different time line in life for the moment. My day flew by, yours at a crawl. I hope there will be strength enough to be able to sprint to catch up to each other, or perhaps take a moment to smell the day, and wait for the other. The place where people are in their lives is always scary, because when you live in such a fast paced world where you want to be a part of a big city or fast moving industry, it can be a matter of seconds to lose that chance to see what could have been.

I guess what I am trying to say is there is something intriguing about living like a gypsy, but not unless you have someone with you who you love already, because lets be honest, in real life, gypsies don’t have dental insurance and Hollywood makeup artists. :)

(btw if ur tagged it is because I enjoy your feedback, but don’t feel obligated.)

(also normal disclaimer: I just feel the need to get thoughts written out sometimes, most the time these are not MEANT for direct reading by other people, or with that intention, they are written for me to go back to later when I wonder why. I mean it is very true that we all see our stories and lives differently than someone not in our head to see the images that go with the words.)

Multi Task Me

Reading a book is stimulating and it has things like structure and grammar etc. However a book seems like a comfort.

A book is something that has an ending, a preconceived idea. It has a direction and follows it, or intentionally breaks it for drama comedy or action.

A book caters to the idea of needing that closure or that happy ending regardless of happy or sad that say a movie does.

But a txt message or an email or a conversation… Those are the tough ones. They may not have the best grammar, or even a complete though, but looking and reading them and actually hearing them determine the next chapter.

Every phrase I say fits into this story I conceptualize when I wake up, when I sleep at night, etc.

Why is it so hard to see bigger than the sentence or lines or script I have made for myself day by day.

I just want you(meaning anyone) to read past the lines, I am not a dead poet but dammit a little analysis never hurt.

You can say write or act out a million things in a day, and it can all happen at once, analysis, your heart, feelings, future conversations, past thoughts. Please don’t try to read me like a book.

I will not fall into your structure nor will I fight against it for no reason. I will loose sight of things like anyone and humble when wrong. I can feel more from seeing your face or hearing your voice or reading a letter you wrote between lunches.

And that is just it, I will and want that feel.

My process to feel may be a bit different but it isn’t closed to the affects.

Multi task me.

A Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr Cox: Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.

Relationships can best be measured by “farting”.

“The stages of a relationship can be defined by farting.
Stage 1 is the conspiracy of silence. This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend that they have no bodily waste. This illusion is very quickly shattered by that first shy ‘ooh did you fart?’ followed by the sheepish admission of truth. This heralds a period of deeper intimacy, a period I like to call the “fart honeymoon”, where both parties find each other’s gas just the cutest thing in the world. But of course no honeymoon can last forever. And so we reach the critical fork in the fart. Either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarrass, thereby signifying true love or else, it begins to annoy and disgust, thereby symbolizing all that is blocked and rancid in the formly beloved.”

This feels like a movie… Perhaps I shouldn’t want it to.

To be in the relationship where you can compare it to a movie, I know I have felt it, experienced it.  But to reflect on the basics of a movie, you would assume perhaps this is not the “perfect” relationship at all. Perhaps if your relationship reminds you of a movie it is because you remember it like a movie, only savoring the exact edits. You pass the in between time with cuts. A slideshow of a period of time, pictures a day, with the proper filters on them to give them the film feel. Somehow even though the normal everyday life may be normal and not out of the ordinary, with the right color correction and depth of field you miss the world around anything that may seem perfect.  Instead of the feeling of bliss when your relationship turns into a movie, moment after moment, it should be a warning that you are only watching the highlights of a complete picture. I mean that is what a movie is comprised of, the perfect moments, good and bad, dramatized for the passing of time, or the emotion needed for portrayal of character.

A movie is easy to critique or judge, but ever decision every day, takes an open mind. One that can look past the personal opinions buried inside yourself. Yet at the same time it becomes a balance of your own opinion mixed with feelings depending on the sleep you had, what you ate, and that of the people around you. Life itself can often fall into a script like approach, revision after revision. The apprehension to improv alone stands in your way.

So perhaps it is a mastery only befitting of a surrounding in which there are no movies or editing techniques to compare to. A world based on the truth around you, not the truth you use to karmic-ly get through the day.  A place where your own perfection cannot exist because the only perfect is the days you spend living. Even this, as I write is influenced by the perceptions put forth around me, prideful or filled with humility.

So tonight I look forward thinking back upon the old relationships and moments in time I had where I thought things felt like a movie and realize, I probably don’t want a movie. If I only have fragments of time with years skipped in between due to the time constraints of an audience, I myself am not giving life itself enough care. My mind will then be unable to mature and reflect as well as see my steps I take ever breath of the day.

I cannot skip chapters in my life, because there is no rewind, but there is definitely a fade to black.

The X Theory

To put it in metaphor, I’d say that oftentimes paths will cross, as Fate would have it, and that would be Instant Love; however, in order to keep this instant love, you must apply that conscious effort to pursue… because when paths cross, they will naturally meet at one point, the middle of an X {a cross- those physical, chemical, mental changes}, and then start going the opposite way, as is natural with growing and life changing. This is where the effort to pursue Love comes in… where people will take the time, effort, and energy to pave a new road together. Regardless of where those roads of Fate may lead. And the strength of that crossing point will help to determine if it will last or it will grow apart. Because we are on different timelines, but if when we meet the intersection was strong enough, it can bind us together even as time changes who we will be.

 

” Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.”

As time goes on, the apple rots.

Why is it that we find it necessary to carry on multiple relationships rather than taking our time with one. If you are interested in a person, then perhaps you should take the time from your life to enjoy that moment. Why multi task a pleasure filled activity such as human connection. While I understand the American attitude of productivity, I lose it with the idea that life can only give you so many apples at a time. What? Am I crazy? That made no sense. I should be multi tasking more then, taking on 4-10 girls or boys at a time to make sure the clock will continue to tick before I find out I am alone.

That fear is the drive that makes us take those apples and quickly shine them on our shirt, then take a bite.  No time to taste, no time to inspect each side, no time to hear the noise as your teeth sink into the tough outer skin and into the soft juicy center, even crunching through the seeds which could give birth to another. Another life, another turn, another moment, another yearn. Your clock has already stopped you are just going to fast to hear the ticking stop. A simple rhyme to make the point, but this whole rant is still a bit disjoint.

Now what if you were to take that apple and eat every bite, but instead of licking your lips and be satisfied with the hunger you have filled… Take a moment, find the seeds, plant them outside, water them until they can blossom.  Now as you watch it grow you can decide, “I think I am in the mood for an orange now”, or perhaps now that you can watch this small seed grow into the bright lustrous apple, shinning brightly on the outside and sweetly fragile on the inside, there is no need to change your taste. Some think you must taste it all to fulfill a lifetime, but is it realistic to acquire every taste only to find out the first was the best?

So if you mix a strawberry with a banana, you will taste the strawberry not he banana. If you mix a lemon with a lime you will not know which is sour and which is sweet.  So all food aside, why not, instead of rushing to perfection, take a blind, exciting leap. But without your eyes shut, and with sturdy ground ahead, because you know, if the taste is not to your palette, you can always find another treat.  Food may rot, and life grow old, but happiness is forever, don’t let go.

The White Crayon

I signed up for Match.com the other day, because I was interested in seeing the difference between the responses I got when I was heavier and now. Where did that come from? Well it kinda stems from how I began to write this in the start. I sent this message to someone today:

“Btw, when we see each other I totally understand the idea that life isn’t always good answers or answers in general. So wherever you are in yours understand I’m still searching for mine too. I just think you are an interesting enough person to share even the strange confusing days with. If that makes sense, I just got that sense from our attempts to get together. Your status updates and how with my move back I feel similar from the little I can gather from a facebook post. Not to mention I have been obsessing over my physical state since I changed it a bunch since we last saw each other. but the more I thought about it, the more I realize the more prepared we go into seeing each other the less likely it is to be real for either of us.”

To this the response was sincere. I say this in regards to my match.com profile because, as the NYTimes has now reported, a phone call as is now considered a breach of etiquette to those who are not really close.

“Americans are talking less on their cellphones. When they do talk, the conversations are shorter, according to industry data. Partly, this reflects the shift in use of cellphones more as mobile computers that communicate via written messages. But this also reflects a subtle shift in etiquette, experts say. People increasingly use text messages and e-mail to arrange telephone calls, which are reserved for more important, complicated dialogues. An unscheduled call from people other than family members, they say, is often regarded as a rude intrusion.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/weekinreview/22lohr.html

And I realized I was trying to portray that everything was OK on there and grab peoples attention through something witty or personal, and I was ready to give me in a nice sunlight to someone, when in reality, I just wanted to sit down and be able to talk real with this person about life and spark our brains as the night goes on. I guess it kinda makes sense, even if I am very old school in my interaction ways, to use every form of communication to really be honest and yourself regardless of how the outcome may be. And especially for someone like me that hates texting, to find that way to text in a way that gives off the vibe of how I will be when in person, instead of trying to be txt Tristan and In Person Tristan. More like how I write, explaining a situation rather than trying to live the situation through those medias. Because then the in person will follow.

I can’t say I believe in finding yourself before you can be happy with someone else. I think being able to find someone who is willing to work on finding someone else and finding themselves at the same time is healthy.  I mean an old teacher of mine said it could take a lifetime without success to truly find yourself, or soul search as he said. Well I don’t have that much time to do both.

So all of this is my journey so far. So “what are your plans?”.. simple it is to fight every day to figure it out and my mind is fighting back, but I feel strong.

Thinking of you…

I love my window because it has the fire escape on it and when I sit there looking out at the rusting metal with bits of black paint peeling from it, it clears my head. Something about it makes me feel good. And through that release from my own thoughts puts me into my thoughts even more.
 

I look out even if I don’t look up toward the sky like a contrived movie pose, I think perhaps like Fival with the whole “Somewhere out there” sentiment.

I mean is there really someone out there that is your soul mate. Is there really a person who is thinking of you and you of them regardless of where you are in the world? I mean is there someone who has gone through life in just such a way that makes you and them the perfect match?

Or is it possible that there is more than one person out there that is your perfect match. Does soul mate even mean what it is meant to mean. People get remarried, people die and meet someone to fill the void, yet I wonder if perhaps we might miss out on that chance to be with the perfect person because we can settle. Because we can sacrifice the idea of that ONE person to be loved.

Do we match due to astronomy, or do we match from feelings, or perhaps since the idea is that when we don’t look fo it it finds us, that there is a predetermined fate for us and who we will love, but when it happens can we actually make it happen and is it possible for it to slip through our fingers. Then what? Do we control it or does fate?

Can friends turn lovers when as friends it can be halted by other lovers…

Are we actually just making up this thing called love, because don’t we strive to learn how to love ourselves before we can find love, and isn’t that a life long journey for everyone because our lives constantly evolve and the person in the mirror is never the same.

Is it possible to feel heart break when you haven’t even felt the love yet?

Blah so many questions, so many ideas. I was right in one thing, pointing myself in the right direction and being unsure is way better than getting comfortable and being the wrong way.

I’m writing incoherently… so the end.

YOU define love.

I think love itself doesn’t know how it works. I believe each individual will find love based on their perception thus making it so indefinable yet with so many definitions.

I think simple and extravagant can mean the same thing when you are laying in the grass with the person you love staring at the stars sneaking a peak at one another.

And sometimes a moment becomes a memory right as it is happening, because it is so significant you want to capture it forever. And without these moments, these experiences, can you ever know how to love?

I have a different opinion on the “knowing yourself” before you can meet someone else. Albeit I respect who I am and don’t really have walls to life, and really am always me 24 / 7(with some help here and there to remember) but I thought a lot about that idea and I came up with, I believe we will find ourselves till the day we die because the days leading up to death define us, as well as the people we meet. So if we didn’t look while we were also finding ourselves it would be too late.

I think there are hallmark ways of going about it and also ways to be inquisitive while still respecting the boundaries as well as pushing the standards.

So you define love, when it can make you so confused.

I want those thoughtless high school nights back…

So as I reminisce to those moments in high school that I hated. Ya know anytime in high school. lol Ok so I have been thinking of those simple nights in which I sat there with a girl in my arms. We would kiss, we would talk about very little, hardly scratch the surface of each other’s lives, as there was little surface to scratch back then. Yet we would be content. Regardless of the drama caused by all the world around us, we managed to live it up and enjoy each moment, even enjoy a small amount of cat and mouse. 

So Ok I don’t want to go back there or waste time with the cat and mouse style games anymore, but part of me wants to incorporate some of the antics back into my life. By this I mean the innocence of it all. The long months where all we needed was the kiss into the late night hours, the dances when we dressed up and went to an unfamiliar place, a drive to no where, a moment when our parents would leave and I would sit you up on the counter and stand in between your legs just thinking about you in my life. Playing with your hair for hours, rubbing my fingers down your arms as you nestled into my chest. The idea that, I was a virgin and so were you, and there was no pressure to do anything but enjoy the simpler aspects of the relationship.

Now imagine incorporating this into a relationship now as we get older. You get the same floating feeling but instead of only scratching the surface you gain an insight to the other person with the time spent. And the idea here is that even if you have the urge to go further into non virgin territory, you hold your ground for as long as you can, and then you keep a lively relationship up to learn as much as possible before you are driven with the other brain.

Imagine, now in our lives, we live on our own, we pay our bills, we are free to do like we always hoped for when in our puppy dog love so many years ago. So let’s fall into each others eyes, head over heels, but keep in mind past experiences so we can catch each other during the fall and not get swept away with false pretense emotions or the idea of love(Ever fall in love with love? I have..).

Sure there are things to do other than sex to keep the tensions down lol, but the point here is that I am going to base my future relationships on this idea, that perhaps the scariest thing in a relationship is to have sex. Why do you think there are condoms, so we do not have children before we are ready. Well why even have to worry about this? Or why even be pressured? When I was younger sex wasn’t even an idea, I was excited enough if you ate some ice cream then kissed me. A simple sensation made extra receptive through that innocence and plain young love/emotion.
Yes I believe whole-heartedly that if you are not sexually compatible it can hinder your true relationships progression. But who is to say you cannot figure out how sexually compatible you are through falling in love before you begin it? What if the simple feeling of love creates compatibility for such an act? Why even use such a strong word as love, what about simple COMFORT with one another?

You can stay in my house leaving a light on when I see when I get home. You can come home knowing I will still look at you with a gleam in my eyes, but this time we are free to be who we were those many years ago, without the infinite odds against us and hormones raging out of control. And even without curfew it gives us a new reason to figure out small things to make the time spent interesting such as: how to sneak in that one last kiss before bedtime.

Ready to take the step with me?
I am.
We will see where it gets me.

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