The latest triggers,
The simple clicks,
Sometimes it takes a harder pull than the other…

A past which is blurred,
Seems to me,
To be
Just to be

If I had the answer, would I use it?
If I had the reason, would I care?
If I had the time, would it matter?

So the newest series of riddles begin,
But this time sparking a new memory.
A memory, which was pushed from my mind, faster than it entered,
But

The latest triggers,
The simple clicks,
And BANG it hits.

Cold tile walls,
Sliding rug under my formal wear
Rustling outside from the scare
But what pissed me off was it wasn’t to care.

If I had a sword I would have been swinging it wildly,
Instead my arms, well arm,
Protected me from the people,

Almost like trying to fight off raindrops in without an umbrella.

Funny a reference to rain as I splashed the water.
Funny a reference to arms as I held her closer.

3 minutes up, 30 seconds out.
Breathing, aware.
Throwing up, passed out.

I was graduating, why did I need this under my belt.
I stayed away from such things,
Protected myself.

But now it was obvious who would care.
Now it was obvious from their blank stares,
Not a clue in the world,
Not an idea in their minds,
Probably just the fact of intoxication,
Well, sounds trite, but blinds.

But wait it wasn’t as I say, not right away,
First it was a lesson in how to raise a child,
Holding their vomit, carrying their pride.

So it seemed, while they slept that it would soon be over,
Even while sober, made it enough to feel under the weather.
Smells, triggers, click.

So I was the mentor, I was the adult.
But inside I was the child, the one who wanted to bolt,
Run from my skin and hide in another,
Run from my mind and feel nothing other.

But it was, He knows how panic attacks work
He knows what he they can do
Tristan the savior, in your eyes?
Or to who?
Tristan was saving, but lost inside.
Tristan was saving, but never craved his bed so much more.

So, 5 minutes release as we thought it was over,
Then I hear, Tristan get over here,
I came running over.

I felt her skin,
My hand under her nose,
There was no air, no breath, my heart froze.

I trusted who was holding her tight,
Throwing that water to wake her up,
Right?

I ran outside, called the 3 numbers.
I said here,
They said hold.

I called her family,
I called her friends.

I all of a sudden had a million people depend.
Not on the world, or the things we do,
But on the next actions,
On what I, me, myself would pursue.

A responsibility, I never knew.
But it was me who was now back where I started,
The tiles were cold,
This lifeless heart beats departed.

“Wake the fuck up”, I screamed in tears,
“Wake the fuck up, don’t leave me here.”

You would picture a movie or so you would think,
But it was worse, I felt as though screaming drew unwanted attention to me.
Her life in my arms
A life at all
A voice of reason said, don’t hold so much, give her air, let her go..
I let up a bit, but kept the water flowing, I yelled and continued,
God damn it, it was the never ending beginning.

If you take the bone from the dog,
He will be upset.
If you take the pray from a lion they will bite.
If you took the life in my arms,
I would have killed.

Sirens sounded,
Children scattered,
Safe?
Sound?

6 am, call.
Mom, I am going to be late to the funeral,
My friend is in the hospital.

Mom, You better be here

I stayed till every last second.
Changed the sheets,
Kept her safe.

Sitting in a hospital,
The place I fear,
Waiting with no control,
Just the ability to see her safe, eyes tired yet crystal clear.

Taxi ride home,
Shower quick
5 minutes to spare
5 hours later, let Mom and my Stepfather down.

Walked the bus route,
Looked like death,
The impression was,
I was the dying breath.

But it hurt me,
Scared me,
Took part of my soul,
I took it,
Closed it,
Let it go
By go, I must mean deeper and deeper into my eyes,
Clouding to dark, so not to surprise the people around me, but me instead,
After all, the clouds are in my head.

So today, I felt it,
Knew it well.
Today I remembered the night from hell.

I was angry,
Still angry,
Why did you do it?

Did you care,
Would you care?
Will you remember, or lose it.

We are close,
But so far,
I can’t be your father.
I can’t be everyone’s father!
A statement from anger,
A statement from my past.

I want the best,
I gave my all,
Fight or flight,
I chose not to fall.
I picked up my fists and swung without remorse,
But I was hitting myself,
And thus today:
Screaming inside.
Too much.
So hoarse.

I wonder if this is how I did it when younger,
I wonder if these triggers are deep down under.
I hope I can hold the gun and aim it right, because,
Just like today,
I may pull that lever,
In a darkened, black, blinded night.
And if I shoot and hit a wall,
Will I be emoting myself or is it as simple as,
If a tree falls in a forest,
Does it make a sound if no one is there to see it fall?

Throughout this message I took a moment,
Throughout this poem, I gathered a thought.

All in all, it is past and today is now.
But sometimes and forever,
Yesterday, I will see.

A step,
Good intentioned,
And for me.

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