I haven’t drank in many years. By drink I mean been drunk or even buzzed for that matter. At a certain point in my life my body chemistry changed and rejected all alcohol and illegal substances I put in my system by causing me to get a panic attack. Then when I was on a small medication for the panic attacks the medication battled it with depression. SOOOOO needless to say I stay away from alcohol pretty much all the time now. I am yet to be in a situation where I feel comfortable by the people around me to take the chance to really dive into it again. Someone who isn’t out to get smashed but just be there and alcohol is the pleasant company. Even explaining the above is difficult and I am sure will be read differently by all. Say “medication” anything and people freak out in all the wrong directions. Also say you don’t drink and you are an alcoholic specially if you try to back it up with “OH MAN DID I USED TO” lol..
Don’t get me wrong I can kick it like anyone else at a party, it just means I have less headaches and can drive home.
But I miss it. I miss the people, the situations, and the mental chill it would give me. Well today for the first time I actually drank enough to give me a semi hazey feel. The warm sensation before a buzz and WAY before being drunk, I guess my tolerance is shot to shit after many years of no drinking. I managed to slur a couple of sentences and get distracted by deep concentration on trivial things making me look like a complete dumb ass yet feel a familiar sensation inside that gave me comfort. The de-pressurization of my brain.
So after passing out when I got home, I woke up at around 12am hungry and decided to go to the supermarket. I was so hazy I actually took my time and enjoyed walking the aisles to get my shopping done, txting here and there as it was 12 am and the store was empty, no rush to get anything done or move out of the way.
I then made my way to the parking lot where the smells in the air and the sounds around me just brought me back to moments back home. And for some reason in California lately, there has been seasons. And right now it feels like spring/summer on the East coast with moist air and a stagnant gonna rain feel with a slight mist.
So with the mixture of these sensations with the old feeling of that pre-drunken haze, I decided to stand there for a bit and just soak it in. I remembered back to the times when me and my friends would make a diner run after a long night of drinking. I remember the tunnel vision is caused where the only important thing was “doing” and “eating” at the moment. The doing being with my friends and going out even though it was late. Mmmm the hot chocolate at the diner and cheese sticks!
This has all come at a strange time where me and my sis re-opened a website we had running when I was in college with all my friends from growing up and family members. It is just like it used to be except we all live in different places now. We all act like the kids we are and we don’t judge past a simple opportunity to make fun of each other.
So even in this completely different environment where I was shopping for my own groceries as an “adult” I felt like I was that kid going to the diner with my friends, although now on my own and mainly seeing them on this website.
But you take all of those together and it made for one hell of a night where I chose to just take my time, breath in the air, enjoy what I felt and saw, and then return home. The feeling dispersed rather quickly thereafter and now that I have finished some food I am loosing it more and more.
I hope sometime in the future I will figure out how to get that pressure release valve back in my life without causing turmoil with the rest of my body as drinking or the occasional joint would give me. Because what I realized most tonight, is I don’t ever just walk and be. I often get too caught up in needing to get it done.