Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Tag: sex

“Making Love” – When our eyes become the dialogue.

Have you ever fucked? I have. But have you ever made love without cringing at the thought of some love infused, inflated hallmark bullshit moment of clarity, unobtainable in a society filled with euphemisms and broken promises of the next best thing, let alone even be able to mouth the words “make love” without throwing up in ones mouth slightly, while giggling? I have.

I laid in a bed and rested my arms on the pillow beside her head. My chest lightly resting on hers, my elbows folded and arms arms by her ears, hands around her head.  My position not indicative of any motion other than perhaps a small tilt back and forth. Yet even after years of numbing internet porn and personal fetishes and kinks, I will never forget what it felt like… to not care about the foreplay, the outfit, the music, or the right motion for pleasing myself or her because in that moment, in that locked moment both physically and emotionally, with all the images I could have brought to mind or ability to ravish her body with my eyes, me leaning over her in what can only be described as the most classical girl/boy position, I met her for the first time all over again.

This was not the first time we had sex. It was by far not the last, but it was certainly the most memorable and amazing sex I ever experienced. It all happened in the eyes. We were locked so close to one another, able to kiss softly where I could lift my head just enough to make out her face in a photographic depth of field blur causing the sides of her face to melt into the bed sheets and her eyes to pierce mine. As if I were 40 feet away but the distance causing the perfect Bokah effect of our faces. I looked into her eyes and her into mine. The lights were on dimly, we didn’t close our eyes to match expectations or fears of not doing it by the book. Yet we were in an almost missionary position that could bring yawns to most couples faces if asked in passing how they like to fuck in passing on the street… an Elizabethan approach on love making these days, but because of it’s traditional positioning, the man on top, the girl underneath him, the weight being equally distributed by some defying physics, and the feeling of safety that came from the cocoon we created around each other, and our eyes became the dialogue.  We stared at each other and I stayed inside her and her around me. We moved slightly but each time her eyes kept my gaze, every moment I knew she wasn’t going to look away, I became more aroused and more in love. My arms were around her causing an acoustical anomaly echoing every sound in this small world we had created, that could drown out the worst day, leaning in to kiss her neck and hearing my lips on her skin and her breath in my ear or her moan through the vibration of my lips…

She didn’t need a Disney princess and I didn’t need a modern day porn star. We just needed to know one anthers inflections of the eyes. And we spoke to one another with every single movement. We were pressed up against each other and our bodies did what came naturally, but our eyes gave us comfort, they gave us hope, they gave us a sense of calm. We would kiss, eyes wide open and then just rest on each other’s foreheads and stare. No motion changing the angle, no outside influence telling us what to do. We guided one another with our eyes and it became apparently clear in that moment what it truly meant to love someone and share it intimately.

I don’t believe in love at first site, I believe in attraction, pheromones, compatibility, likes, dislikes… In a world where we meet someone way before we “meet them” there are so many factors we can’t control: will we like their smell? Will we like their voice? Will our bodies fit in relation to one another? Personality and music taste is a characteristic not a predetermined part of us. We have so little control over so many of the big pieces of the dating puzzle, but when those pieces line up and we get to that moment where we are exposed and naked laying together, starring into each other’s eyes, allowing our breath in our chests to move our bodies, letting nature take over, if there is love, it is the most exotic, sensual love you can ever feel.

I can only hope everyone gets to that date or moment like I did. Mine didn’t last forever but I will never forget it and I will always remember it as if it is a bookmark of a chapter in a book I really must read again when I finally find the right book that is worth getting to the metaphorical end.

For now that book lays on my shelf and I eagerly await when I can read again but with all the experience and life under my belt to make the words new, the interpretations different, and the sensations unique to the person I say I love you too… again, but willingly, openly, and accepting of. I will allow my heart to break until I have to buy another book shelf to put the these moments on, if that means, eventually, I never have to read again.

American Halloween is “tease your significant other day” by wearing the sluttiest outfit possible, going out to a place where you can do nothing but be in close proximity and rub against each other… then it turns into “til he literally drags me out of the party and rips my clothes off with the door only halfway open to our apartment, keys still falling to the floor” excitement.

LostinTxtlation

Being Yourself is “OK”Cupid

How do you get the exposure to an online dating profile in a sea of hundreds of thousands without sacrificing integrity and a sense of self? When my dad met his wife via online dating there was a much smaller pool of people who knew what online dating was. Now it is normal for a profile to start with “My friend made me make this profile” Or “I figured, since so many of my friends use this,  I would try it out”.

Now no matter what I write here, I feel like I am holding a loaded gun and it scares me.  I find self proclaimed “people gurus” often have the least idea of what a person is truly feeling. I call it being observant. Would it be so bad to fall into a mold of just being a “creative person” and taking the risk of writing this article? Or is the gun going to go off in my pocket for my own dating life?


We Control Our Content

Like many others I have googled “best dating profile”. And I kept coming up with the same conclusion over and over: Be anything but yourself. Uhmm… to which I think, we don’t have to dumb down our profiles. We control what is the “norm” when the content is driven by the users. Like life we have a choice to change, but it requires all of us. We want quick information, we want truth and honesty in profiles, we want an insight to those on these dating sites to cut out the bar hopping annoyance; so why not do it? Instead we wonder why, in a world of bite sized information, we feel ill informed on our dates, why they turn out to be a game of potluck when technology is giving us a way to make faster connections.  We may like our news and coffee quick, but we all yearn for a “love” of some sort that lasts; are we all willing to put in the effort? Why can’t we just be ourselves? I have come to the conclusion that we have told ourselves we can’t. We have literally said, “I am too lazy, I do not accept, I will fill this out later”. We have accepted dating sites in their current form as “the way it is” instead of “what we want!”

I really enjoyed reading through your profile actually, it shows you are a mulch-dimensional person; unlike most profiles (and messages) on this website. Although, I do fall under my own criticism, I kept mine short and quite to the surface for “shits and giggles”. “ -Okcupid User

“Hello there 🙂 It was a treat to read your profile…you have a lot too say and you seem like a big thinker which is hot in my book lol. I can’t say I’ve invested as much in mine but you have me thinking I should lol.” – OKCupid User

We are setting the standards low for these sites by not actually putting in effort. Do we not realize we are the “customer” in this case.

Instead of following some “guide book” we can choose to be whatever we want and the site, in order to maintain its monetary worth has to adjust to us, not the other way around!

We are so caught up on instant gratification and the idea that we can have the “winning” profile that we forget to be ourselves, at all of the places, a dating site. The place to potentially find someone for the rest of our lives, like my father did. We are compromising on our own happy ending.

Popularity Contest

We have accepted the fact that OKCupid is turning our dating into highschool crushes. “Check Yes or No if you ‘like’ me”. Popular kids are marked by a red mark under their message box saying they “reply selectively and then the rest have orange or green.

I felt compelled to message you (despite the ominous red message saying you “reply very selectively.”) – OKCupid User

The site plays on humanities yearn for the “chase”, even if the excitement fizzles out after we actually get to know the other person. Get rated highly often, well OKCupid will now show you to more people who also are considered “attractive”.

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P.S. Did you know OkCupid scales their subscription model depending on your age, sex, and location? It can range from 4.95 to 29.95. The younger and more “desirable” demographic you fit into, the lower the price. You can game this system as well, by changing your age and sex to that before purchasing the A-List.

Breaking the “Code”

It is programmed social interaction in 1’s and 0’s. So of course there are tons of “how to game the system” articles. Someone wrote the code, so it makes sense that someone else figured it out.

I have this plethora of information I have gathered, not because I am seeking to write a self help book, a “Rules of Engagement” book, or even boost my ego. I feel a deep desire to publish this article about my experience because, finally in a world oversaturated with online dating profiles, inundated google search results for “dating guidelines” consisting of compromises that go against the very definition (mutual concession), I have found a way to be myself 100%. But how can I talk about this publicly without being considered someone who has “manipulated the system” or worse yet, the people who I am interacting with? How do I tell people about this amazing feeling I have now, that I have validated my ability to be me without pulling the trigger on my own hard work? Especially because I still am looking for that person that makes an article like this obsolete in my life. A person who makes me shut down a dating profile for good. I am actually looking for the means to an end, to create a beautiful beginning; naturally, organically, and somewhat digitalized.

I have read, watched, listened to so many of the “how I hacked online dating”. Each has their own formula, statistical analytics, and long winded explanations.(My right brained personality can’t even open excel without wanting to rip out my eyes) But at the end of the day, would I be meeting people who really just wanted a guy who was “sarcastic and humorous with a side of manliness” or would I meet people I could truly connect with? How can I maintain my integrity and personality and follow all these “rules”? The truth is, for me, I can’t. I want to be able to go on that first date and know I can be 100% myself and I won’t feel upset or empty afterwards because I was portraying someone else’s ideal man, the “norm” of bar hopping, and “sarcasm/humor”.

“Most dating advice exists to “solve” this grey area for people. Say this line. Text her this. Call him this many times. Wear that. Much of it gets exceedingly analytical, to the point where some men and women actually spend more time analyzing behaviors than actually, you know, behaving. Frustration with this grey area also drives many people to unnecessary manipulation, drama and game-playing. “ – Mark Manson

Sure I have used some of the statistics to my advantage. OkCupid being the weapon of choice, has released many breakdowns of what people on their site are attracted to, photo and profile etiquette, and subsequent articles published about the best practices for the site. But it made me cringe when I would look at the “top” profiles listed in these articles. If one more person told me to keep my profile short, I was going to scream. I have a lot to say dammit!

  “Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.”

-Gloria Steinem

The multiple aspects of my profile

The profile photo’s

Mine is a combination of statistically proven algorithms:

  • HDR Black and White main photo(for that “manliness” appeal which I address in my profile to make sure there is no deviation from WHO I am**)

  • a dress shirt(for that classy approach)

  • a cat(luckily I own two and love them unconditionally, although only one makes for a good model)

  • combined with a self deprecating joke caption.

I follow up this piece of the puzzle with a very straight forward blurb in my profile that let’s me still be myself even though I succumb to the “statistics”.

**“If you are looking for the guy who is mysterious, I may not be your choice, not because I am not good at keeping the intrigue going, keeping you on your toes, or being a “man”, but because I choose communication over fighting down the road over notions of “who I am with you” and “who I am with myself”. I can dress nice, I can grow a beard, I can also shave and look like a total bum. I am great with my hands, but also text faster than a jack rabbit, doing what jack rabbits do quickly. Perception really. Your wants at the time of reading this and my perception of what I want. Does that mean if we agree with each others profiles it is inception? *epic music here*”

The rest of my photos are snippets of who I am, I include pictures I think I look good in(always followed by a caption that is not serious) and then my goofy side(followed by a caption that is serious). Playing off the contrasts of oneself.

The only photo that even uses a formula is my profile photo in black and white. The rest are just as many different variations of myself that I can provide. We have good days, bad days, exciting and boring days. So I want to show all of that. I want to be transparent.

Iterations

I have tried many many iterations of my profile, from a casual 1 line response, a ridiculously stupid humor only profile, to one where I tell all. Each got different types of responses, but none were even remotely personal. The less I wrote the more I got approached, but that approach often fizzled out before the first meet. I felt as if I was compromising myself by catering to the “percentages”.

The problem with all of my profiles is the length, it is said by every article about online dating statistics that a long profile is a death sentence.

I refused to believe you couldn’t write a long profile if you had something of interest or passionate to say. The problem is to get someone to actually read it.  I found that if I put a disclaimer up front saying:

“My profile is long, if you are pressed on time you can skip it”

…was the tiny piece to the puzzle that made it OK. It allows those who don’t want to read it to just message me, that I am approachable, and feel as though looking at the pictures is a good enough start, but it also gives off the feeling of a challenge or accomplishment to those who might slog through my stream of consciousness.

“I actually read your entire profile…” -OKCupid User

Then it becomes difficult, how do you validate someone reading a small novel that is your “profile”? How do you not come across as too jaded or make the other person feel as though you are too good for them or have nothing left to offer? How do you convince a world addicted to 140 character limits that 500 words isn’t the finale of my personality?

“I read through your profile, and there were moment that I thought … “hmmm… This guy is a little too honest.” … Then I thought, “I use to be that honest… When did that become a bad thing?” “ -OKCupid User

This is what I thought, why can’t I be honest? Why can’t I be the un-abated version of me? I wanted the first conversations to not come as a shock as I clumsily fumble my way through the “getting to know” process. I wanted people to already understand I was not the perfect one liner, but someone who would blindly feel around to get to the deeper stuff, unafraid to humble myself or admit to it not working out. (and trust me this isn’t something you just inherently know how to do, but with some effort you can learn)

I look at an “About Me” as a place to really talk about me,  not just pepper with ideas my mother has told me about myself, although those are nice too. Although, again, statistically improper:

“2) Don’t make your “About Me” opening section so long that even your mother would find it boring.“

One rule of thumb: If someone has to scroll down more than twice to get to the end of it, it’s way too fucking long. Give people an overview of who you are and what you care about. You don’t need to go into how much you’d love to find a man/woman to be your “partner in crime” (shudder) and everything you’re looking for in a relationship. Your objective at this stage is to find someone you can stand and who can stand you; don’t jump the gun. You can bore people with your hopes and dreams for love later.

Also, avoid listing adjectives to describe yourself such as the mundane “attractive,” “intelligent” or “funny” (see above). This is standard advice for writing that you’ve probably heard: Show, don’t tell. If you describe what you’re like and what you’re doing with your life, people reading your profile can see for themselves that you’re attractive, smart or funny. (Or not.)”

Source: http://thedailybanter.com/2013/12/10-okcupid-profile-donts-to-heed-if-you-actually-want-to-get-laid/

I mean I am not going to write a book, but I find self awareness to be sexy, so why not try my own hand at it as well? So I use the about me to give the general idea. But you need more than empty words on a website to show your true passion for your “idea” of yourself. This is where the section “What am I doing with my life” helped significantly.

My Occupation

My occupation as a photographer carries all sorts of stigmas, the most popular being:

“ I feel like you probably meet a lot of really beautiful people through your photography, so it amazes me that you are even on an online dating site. “ – OKCupid user

My own business model has been refined over and over again to try to break free of that, so I decided why not literally take the work I put into my mission statement for my photography and copy paste it here? Is it personal and exposing, sure! But if I am putting so much effort into my job, why can’t I do the same with my love life? It is many years of work and the blunt truth. It also shows passion, which I and apparently many others find sexy. So instead of looking at me as the guy who looks at “hot girls” all day, it shows that I am on a dating site, so obviously I am not trying to date my work and looking for something real here..

Add onto that, that passion doesn’t always pay the bills, hopefully the people I will attract, will understand I am doing what I love and all others need not apply. I will lose the “wallstreet” types here but I am trying to ease the blow of my work so later on, I don’t have to defend my career choice, and instead share it and be supported for it. I had the high paying job, sports car, beautiful apartment, and feeling of “making it”, but it didn’t make me happy or fulfilled.

My work section is a topic for many to intro themselves to me with, it plays into those who put an emphasis on work over the other sections of the profile provided, but again it is 100% me, no compromise needed.

Being yourself is OK, the validation:

Instead of breaking down every aspect of my profile, since honestly it has been written over time and is extremely stream of consciousness, let me explain why I feel it has been validated, against all odds, statistics, and google results.

“Hi 🙂 so I saw that you “liked” me and after enjoying your (very detailed) 🙂 profile I thought I would send a message rather than just a like back.  Since you were so thorough in your descriptions I’ll just go ahead and put my truths out there too.

I love photography but the only class I’ve ever taken was my freshman year of college and only camera I have is my iPhone but still try to capture the special people, places and things I see that I know I’ll want to remember forever.

So I think that’s a lot for a first hello 🙂 especially since it’s 4am! I’ll let you digest and get back to me.

And thank you, your openness allowed for mine in return. It’s very much appreciated as it’s such a rarity now a days in life and especially in the online dating world :)” – OKCupid User

The technical “trick”

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(Image representative of an hour during a 24 hour period)

You can rate people on OkCupid from 1-5 stars. Clicking the 5 star sends an email saying you like them, if they like you back it starts the conversation via a “You like each other” canned message. It removes your need for an opener and you know they are “interested” for the first convo at least.

5 Starring everyone isn’t as dumb as it sounds, it is sort of like being your own wingman(woman). You have to talk to everyone in order to finally catch the eye of the person you really want to talk to. But the reaction I could have never predicted.

“I must say, I initially “liked” you because of your cool profile pictures (…and, you have a cat in your main one…I mean, that’s kinda unfair…). Then, I read your absolutely refreshingly honest and interesting profile (yes, I read it all), and, though I rarely message people, I felt compelled to message you (despite the ominous red message saying you “reply very selectively.”)” – OKCupid User

I “like” you

The “like” button has a lot of mind fuckery power attached to it, when in turn if the site exposed people to one another in a more organic way such as a real life encounter, there would be more people seeing these kinds of interactions. But for now it is basically throwing empty promises at the wall, hoping someone will walk by in time to catch it. It feels degrading. It has the “celebrity effect”, where you are creating a bigger pool of “views” in order to catch the eye of someone who mixes well with you, but also having to not take the “fame” to your head and act better than other.

“Engaging, thorough, and much foresight = your profile… It’s overwhelming, yet a relief! Finally, someone on this site says it ‘as it is!’” -Okcupid User

“Hello there 🙂 It was a treat to read your profile…you have a lot too say and you seem like a big thinker which is hot in my book lol. I can’t say I’ve invested as much in mine but you have me thinking I should lol.” -Okcupid User

But if they knew the site did it automatically, would the “like” still make them respond? Would we once again fall into the idea that a long profile = dating suicide even though it is clear from the responses I have gotten we truly want more from these dating sites?

“Hello! I read your profile (twice…alright, three times actually haha!) and really enjoyed what you had to say! I appreciate the honesty and detail you put into your writing. That is so rare!” -Okcupid User

I’ve gotten some of the kindest heartfelt replies and messages from being myself; A kid at heart, a thinker, and a goofball stumbling over my words in person.

You get out what you put in

“I don’t write long messages usually but I thought you seemed worth the energy.” -OKCupid User

We apply this theory to our day jobs and so many other aspects of life, but because we have “labeled” online dating as a fo-pa, joke, or don’t fully understand it yet, I feel like we still are not completely ready to use it to make true connections. Can we truly be OK with a slightly digitized way of meeting when we still hardly know how to do it in person? We are happier feeling like we can carry around the “trophies” or “abundance of choice” in our pockets via our smartphones, than actually thinking beyond the instant gratification or validation of our egos.

Directly from an article that turned me on to the 5 star “trick” in the first place:

“It’s easy to see how the attention could become addictive, so I ask James: When does it end?

“I don’t know,” he says. He describes himself as “romantic,” but, like a lot of people who log on and see thousands of singles within a mile of their Zip Code, he’s not really stressed about the end. “A lot of us want the best: the best job, the best apartment, the best significant other,” he says. And in his case, that might mean being the best bachelor as well—someone with the best stories of dating adventures to tell. In fact, he can’t stop thinking about this one incredible woman he met recently; they danced until two in the morning. Then he tells me about another beautiful, smart woman who fed him meat loaf at three in the morning. And then there was that woman with …”

Not only can online dating become almost addicting with the “choices” it can work the opposite way by us fearing the other person’s choices as well. Dating can be intimidating.. with all the different dates we go on, it feels like a rush to the metaphorical finish line of “pulling full attention”. So we work hard to get it, but do we compromise just being ourselves for the “win”? – http://lostintxtlation.tumblr.com/post/91546586723/intimi-dating

I am online for dating because I believe in the idea that technology can help us to skip some of the less desirable parts of “meeting” and truly make great connections. If we don’t invest some time into an honest profile, aren’t we just showing our faces for a physical attraction and then drudging through figuring out what in the profile was real and a boasted version of self? How does this differ than going to a bar? We have so much more control over our “self” on these sites than we admit to and I feel like it is time we start acting on it. Putting in the same effort we do with our jobs, passions, and careers into our love life as well.  Eventually we have to meet face to face with the person we start talking to to really get a feel for a good match, so why waste time with “white lies”.

If I ever find someone who truly believes in this too, I think the entire date, interaction, and experience will be much more enjoyable to both people.  But remember, I don’t love you….

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, “I don’t love you”… txt me maybe? This is what present day society seems to defend harder than “I love you”.

Scenario: You meet someone, you have a good night, and now you are presented with a conundrum… do you use technology to enhance the ability to reflect on the moments you just had, using the time away from one another to use as time to know each other more through the wonderful noninvasive form of messaging… or do you get lost in their past memories on facebook ignoring the ones you just had… or even worse are you forced into a situation of who can hold off from responding the quickest to messages we all know are read immediately or at the quickest convenience. We are secretly defending our “dislike” for one another than our possible “like”. We are being punished for what used to be a legitimate way of decompressing from a date: reveling in the glow of the night the next day. There is a reason songs like “Maria” from West Side Story were written. It is because on a good date, we hear music, and we don’t want to stop singing about it.  We are not in love, we are in like, and it is really fun to share that feeling rather than feeling as if it will expose our “true intentions” to love them by the end of the day…

– Read more on that topic at: http://lostintxtlation.tumblr.com/post/96392232873/i-dont-love-you

Quasi Organic

The current iteration of my profile states:

“Trying something completely different here. I am going to stray from the long profile, just gonna express it how it is; if there is an attraction, let’s meetup and take it from there. I can write a TON here, (request my old profile if you dare lol), but then I find there is too much “Type A” or “Type B” stereotyping without inflection, voice, and just plain getting to know one another organically. I have multiple parts to who I am, as I hope you do too and would rather get to know you via conversation to portray those. So anything beyond this point is just fluff, if you liked my pictures, in my opinion.. but feel free to wander.”

The reason for this is because online dating isn’t organic, not in the slightest, but I think that is OK, as long as we accept it for what it is and skip the bullshit inorganic parts of it and try our hand at meeting if there is an attraction. I mean if I thought you were attractive in person I would talk to you right away, not text you for days until we met again. I mean how much time do you want to invest into someone who might be super attractive but pheromones are just off and you can’t stand the smell of one another?

A dating profile or online dating “resume” as I like to call it, can never summate the stuff in your head. I want to find someone who understands the idea of discussion. The idea that if I say something weird, I don’t have to dive into the ditch I just dug, but be able to continue the conversation to other parts of the plot to see if there is another hole we can fall into together. The idea that living through someones past or stalking someones profile after a date is not giving your own mind the ability to breath and enjoy the moment you just created. Oversaturating your mind with their life not the moment you just had together.

We prefer to open up with questions that are shallow, but have a proven record of working.

“Did you get into any trouble last weekend?”

“Have any trouble planned for this weekend?”

This is how we open. Our first encounter is based on a very general idea of sparking conversation but we do it in a way that is trivial. “So how did you and X meet” Oh well I asked her what kinda trouble she was getting into and she told me “lots”. Then we got a drink and boned… wow…

I am a bit old school when I think about it in terms of asking someone to be my girlfriend or date, I believe since we only get one chance to do this with someone, it should be memorable. I like to let things happen organically, but I also like the grand gestures as well.

Organic or not if two people are open to something it can work. Problem is as you most people see it as “an experiment". I think what that truly means however is “fear of the unknown”. Online dating isn’t any more awkward than meeting in a bar. It all stems on one thing, actually meeting. These back and forths mean nothing until you hear my voice, see my face, and actually get a gut feeling for someone rather than an educated guess. I have strong opinions about online dating and I believe that is healthy. Because in actuality if someone found love from it, they would not turn it down.

Meeting

In the end we have to meet. Meeting is the only way to really know if the kind messages, sexy profile photos, or short or long profile are true to life. Being honest before hand is awesome and helps us to know if we want to spend our precious time with another person and online dating helps with this, especially for those of us with busy schedules. But it falls short with the amount of ways we can communicate prior to meeting. The first step to meeting is often exchanging numbers and texting. So we move away from the convenience of a keyboard where we can type many more words per minute, to a tiny screen in which we usually send texts of little to no consequence as fillers until we meet. Watching the little chat bubble pop up and down as the other person perfects their three word text to not feel too overbearing or interested.

“One of writing’s traditional advantages over speech is the time it affords you to collect your thoughts. This time empowers you to calculate your words’ effects on their reader. Rather than blurting out “YOU’RE SO HOT,” you pen a pleasing phrase: “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”

Text and instant messages, however, are eroding this advantage. We don’t correspond over text and instant messages, like we do in letters; we chat in quick informal exchanges, like we do face-to-face. One of the underpinnings of spoken conversation is what’s known in linguistics as turn-taking. “We need some way of determining when someone else’s turn is over and ours can begin”.

The most common-sense workaround, of course, is to prepare your thoughts mentally before you begin typing them. That sounds easy enough, but some of us actually use writing as a way of working out our thoughts, not simply recording them after they’re fully formed. If nothing else we don’t consider the words blurted out of our mouths a finality but something that can be correct as can a word be spell checked after the entire paper has been written.”

http://www.newrepublic.com/article/116268/gchat-typing-indicator-most-awkward-feature-online-chat

Are we truly ready to date online?

The world isn’t ready for online dating if you ask me. It is a place to go after a breakup or to get recognition when you feel you have a flaw. It is made up of tutorials created by those who have written the same self help guides to sitting in a cubicle. The amount of messages that tell me mine is refreshing but theirs is “still a work in process” is proof enough in my eyes.  

I will admit, I fell victim to the “OKRebound” after a bad breakup. I, as they like to call it, “serial dated”. A few dates a week to the point where I was showering just to go back out. It was vindicating and empty. But even when I explained it to people I met, they seemed to get it and accept it as a form of acceptable behavior. It was surreal. Actually the more my phone buzzed on the table with OKCupid notifications the more likely they would “be interested in me” without me having to say a word. It was a fucked up reverse psychology thing. I got over it pretty fast however. That isn’t what I wanted. And if someone else was going to like me more because of the “likes” I had, it was not a good indicator.

I wish I could express to people how online dating has as much potential as we allow it to and right now we aren’t allowing it more than a drunken nights dare or “I was bored so I made this profile… Oops did I post a shot of my ass in a bikini… Oh and I like long walks on the beach and sacrasm and the extra attention” *breaks computer screen*

“The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.” – http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes/

Being online, is sort of like a gamification of dating to people.

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“Haha I’m over it I just use it as a form of entertainment now just cuz I think what people say is funny I haven’t actually “used” it for what it’s for for a long time hAha you?” – OKCupid User

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OkCupid’s Most Desirable

I got this message a month or two back. I was dumbfounded.

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I knew the quantity of messages I was getting was not normal, but it was strange to get a message like this. It helped to validate that I could have a profile true to self and be considered desirable but it was a short lived moment when you compare it to who was actually picked to do the interview. I did not end up being used because they found someone who was much more TV worthy than I was, talking about how he uses “smileys” and “swiping techniques”, bragging about his lack of honest profile, how he lies on dates, and his general need to fuck as many people as he can through manipulation. You can watch that entire interview here: http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/video/online-dating-secrets-desirable-24753151

I warn you though, I almost shut down my profile after watching this. It literally made me furious with humanity for letting someone like this exist, let alone thrive.

Why I still have a profile

Why am I on here? Because I believe there are other people who trust in a convenience like this and will use it the way they want versus how a YouTube video or article in the Huffington post tells you how to. And they will be genuine and accept it for what it is, an online meeting system in which you allow to match you with others and then go from there. Because it is convenient, not a bar that smells like piss and regret, a place you don’t want to be, or are too busy to be.

Because out of all the people I have met I have learned many things about online dating, more than I ever thought I wanted to know, and sadly these things show me how much people fall into to groups or patterns. I can change my profile picture to attract a specific nationality or put emphasis on a certain part of my profile for a specific type of personality. But it is when I go out on a date and those formulas and structures get blown out of the water and I am no longer giving my thesis or biography to the person across the table but talking to them because it is enjoyable, but mostly when I become scared… Scared that conversations break all conventions and preconceived notions Leaving me in a spot of vulnerability to want to share all but not knowing… Just feeling the need to do it anyway, that is what I date for. That 1 out of 100(that is different for every person)  that will truly make me feel the the possibility of love and having to put every ounce of myself out on the table to make sure I give it my all regardless of the outcome. To open my heart I must be open to the idea of heart break. That is how I approach dating even if I start to see patterns or stereotypes or formulas for successful or unsuccessful dating profiles, first dates, and the like. Because in the end no matter what the formula is and what you think you know when you find the person right for you, the reason it is a magical moment is because you are no longer running on rails but off course, enjoying and living a moment.

But even if we go on a successful date we are still littered with obstacles to overcome.

The Second Date Limbo

It is so incredibly complicated getting to the second date these days. The rules of “3 days before a call” have long been muddied, if not completely forgotten. Now you are faced with the dilemma of liking an Instagram photo, responding to a Facebook post, texting an indifferent message once every day or two so not to seem too interested but still interested enough until schedules line up. The balancing act of  texts between multiple dates, hoping you don’t message the wrong person the wrong response, timing your texts so not to be assumed you are overbearing.

All these unspoken “rules”, impossible to master without literally not giving a shit, because texts are usually two or three lines of nothing of consequence. So you sit there looking at your time stamps and read recipes wondering if the other person:

A is just not interested

B doing the same shit

C has nothing interesting to say.

So you question saying hi because saying hi is so damn easy these days. – Read that entire post at: http://lostintxtlation.tumblr.com/#sthash.dzN3TDUu.dpuf

Someone actually suggested, after reading the article above, an app that allows you to further disconnect from your date to the online ether by having the app follow up on dates you have been on so you can let the person know without actually talking to them if you wish to go on a second date or not. I guarantee this becomes a reality and more reasons to feel completely disconnected from the person you are meeting or just met.

The OK in Cupid

I believe online dating is incomplete. It, by the very nature of humanity, is an iteration… constantly evolving to what we define it as. To say I have the answers or know where to go from here would be a farce. Whether online dating is just a way to get “experience” a so called practice date, or it will eventually evolve into a place where we don’t hide behind whatever semblance of online anonymity we are holding onto and finally realize how important we are to one another. Ultimately I just want to be able to find someone to come home to, to be real with… “the one person for me” is better than the girl of my dreams, she is real. So for now I say OK to being myself. I say OK to breaking the “online dating rules”. I say OK to OKcupid, where I am actually looking for something organic, in this inorganic clusterfuck that is online dating, because in the end, it is me I have to be OK with. And if you have two people who are just OK, you have two people in a better place than the “perfect online dating profile” you have something real, explosive, difficult, frustrating, exciting, and explorable. That there is the very inexplicable definition of love, which to me is the perfect beginning, because love is not enough...

Heated (fiction)

I am sitting on the edge of the bed lighting the last candle. The power has been out for at least an hour and the room has become humid as the summer pushes past the last remnants of cool air that was already struggling to fill each room in my city flat. The perspiration on my neck starts to fall down my chest underneath my buttoned down black shirt as I lean back from the candle, light flickering against the walls. I notice a shadow fill the dimly lit space and feel a soft pressure on my back as my girlfriend, who was in the bathroom room lighting more candles, pushes up behind me, her hands pass by my periphery as they warp around the front of me. Her chest is warm and soft on my back, her hands skillfully running up each bottom to the top of my shirt, teasing my senses, her mouth blowing lightly on my neck, cooling me for a moment. In that same instance she pops the top button of my shirt and puts her lips to my ear. I shiver in a moment filled with heat.

Her one hand is popping each button in a rhythm that makes me wild, while her other hand has slowly pushed down my chest to the waist where she is pulling my shirt out of my pants. The opposing motions keep me guessing for each moment. My shirt is sticking to me, the room is filled with heat and emotional intensity. I sit there, posture straight, pushing slightly back to feel her body against mine, trying to make out every since bit of her through my shirt and her silky black dress she was wearing that night when we went out. The familiarity of each bit of her makes me more excited, but only seeing it in a flickering candles shadow, creates what can only be described as a dream. As she gets to the last button her other hand already has the shirt pulled away from my skin and pinning my arms back behind me as she begins to take it off, but intentionally stopping short, running both hands over my chest. They slide smoothly from my collar bone to my pant line, pushing slightly into my pants, but returning back up my chest, finding enough grip to pinch both my nipples hard enough to make the sweat falling down my body to falter for a moment and my entire body, every pore, clenches. I let out a moan of pleasure involuntary…

I can feel her breath on my ear as she stays close to it, licking, and breathing into it sporadically but with clear intention. I am so turned on and alert, I am able to break free of my own shirts grasp enough to put both my arms around the small part of her waist, pull her closer to me with a firm grasp, and stand straight up forcing her to stand with me. I turn around locking her eyes, my shirt sliding to the floor. The power being out in the entire city, allows for every fold of the shirt to be heard as it hits the old wood floor. Her eyes are sparkling with the candles flickering all over the room, as if they are dancing to the beat of our hearts as they beat loudly.

I immediately drop to my knees and take advantage of the fact that her position behind me has lifted her dress above her panties. I put both my hands right above her ass to give her stability from the rapid turn and slowly push my mouth against her panties, exactly on the right spot, I kiss, breath, and inhale her. I stay there long enough for her to start squirming, my hands fighting to keep her still, but feeling every muscle when it tensens, the humidity making her dress feel non existent as my hands try to decipher if I am holding skin or the illusion of it. I tilt my eyes up to her, hers are darting around the room and I wait for them to catch mine. Immediately I move my hands under the slightly still draped dress and in a quick motion stand up pulling the dress over her head. As her hands are forced upright, I kiss her sides, arms, and then her neck. As i remove her dress completely, I leave it slightly wrapped on her arms as I finish up on her neck, moving my mouth right in front of hers. The stutters in her breath and mine from every sensation cause us to yearn for that final push to touch our lips together and take in one another. Instead I remove her dress and finally can hear the shower in the background. She must have turned it on when she was in the bathroom. A breeze from the open window pushes through the cold water and against our exposed skin. Her eyes are pleading with mine to make the final push to her mouth, but I continue to pull away slightly every time we are about to meet. She breathes out while stumbling the breath itself. I drop her dress to the bed and push my body and mouth past the side of her face as I slightly lick her ear, now moving my body toward the promise of the cold water falling from the shower. I get half way across the room before she is able to turn and see where I am going.

As I walk, I undo my belt, dropping it to the floor, then my pants, and lastly my underwear in an almost complete motion. I notice the candles all over the bathroom, like a scene out of the most romantic movies right before I move straight into the streams of cold water falling from the shower. The sensations overwhelm me because my body is filled with heat.

She, watching this all unfold stumbles with her bra for the first time in her life and dropping her panties just by walking toward where I have disappeared behind the bathroom wall. By the time she gets to the shower, her bra is still on and I reach for her hand and pull her into the cold stream of water with me. Instead of standing, I pull her close to me and slowly we both sit in the porcelain bathtub as cool water streams from above. She is sitting in front of me and I behind her. I wrap my hands around her breasts grabbing the front clasp as it snaps free and springs to the sides as the water falls down her face to her nipples all the way to her groan. She stumbles for her breath as the cold water shocks her system and my hands hold onto her tightly protecting her from the cold waters intensified stream, warming her body with mine, water filling our mouths, falling out over our bodies as we both try to breath in this constant flow of cold meets our sweating and heated bodies. She slides up and down my body trying to get closer to me, the sensations arouse me beyond what I thought was possible. She can feel every part of me and it makes her move more intently. My hands cannot let go of her, but struggle for traction on our wet bodies, making each motion much more grandiose and grasp firm.

We stay like this for what seems like an hour or so, our lips slide across each others as she turns back toward me simultaneously equalizing our bodies to a cool temperature, but filled with the heat of the moment. She reaches forward and with a flick of her hand the water stops falling. I can hear the last drops hit the hard surface of the shower floor. She stands as I watch her body glisten against the many candles as each droplet of water falls onto me. I want to lick every part of her body as if she were a cold glass of water on this extremely heated day.

She walks out of the shower ignoring the towels neatly placed on the racks and moves over to the large window that extends from the floor to the ceiling. A window that is reminiscent of something in a romantic Paris hotel. Outside the streets are dark, the buildings are silhouetted against the full red hazed moon. A rustle of activity can be heard outside as people are unable to sleep in this weather without power, moving to their stoops in hopes for a cool breeze of relief. She just stands there creating a pool of water on the floor underneath her.

I stand up from the floor of the shower and move toward her,  can make out the hairs on the back of her neck start to stand up slightly from the occasional candle lights gaze. It is guiding me to her. She knows I am close. I push my soaked body against hers and she pushes up against the cold glass on the window, reaches behind her, and grabs me with a firm grip, precisely lining me up with what is about to be pure bliss. I, unable to contain myself, as she pulls and places, push exactly at the right time and we are connected, feeling the heat of her surround me. I almost leave my body for a moment and watch as it transpires. Our two silhouettes backlit by the warm light of the cool moonlight. Our backs are contracting, flexing, and bending the candlelight as the water drops mixed with perspiration fall to the floor from each movement. Our motions constant and intense.  

As if I was shocked back to life from a near death experience I am pulled back into my body as I feel her squeezing around me, closing the gap between our bodies through instinct, tightening, contracting, the inside of her body pulling on mine. I am moaning loudly as I no longer have control over any of my body and hers is shaking on mine. Wave after wave of pleasure passes through us both as our bodies naturally compliment one another. Pulling and pushing what we need, until we finally explode falling backwards onto the bed in a release, still unable to separate our bodies. Our muscles are still having rolling intensities, our heads turned toward each other as we lock lips through the remainder of this amazing orgasm. Right as it feels like it is starting to subside, the sounds of the city coming back alive fills the air, the electricity of the moment and the world starts to turn back on. The air conditioner begins to push cold air over our bodies as we lay naked inside one another. We laugh slightly as the lights flicker back on to full and we see the clothes all around the room and the bed sheets covered in a dark shadow from our soaked bodies. We fall asleep, lips touching, cool air once again caressing our bodies.

Glass Elevators (Fiction)

The clock reads 8 pm, as you put your last earring in, in a rush, taking one last glance in the mirror, realizing how late you are for dinner. You push out of your room grabbing the room key off the table by the door as you wrap your jacket around you halfway out in the hallway rushing to the elevator. The doors close and you feel a sense of excitement and calm as you look out the glass all around you. You are marveling at the fact that you are 30 stories above this new exciting city made of brownstones and warm lighting, yet you stand in this extravagant modernized hotel looking over the city light a god. The doors open with the reminding tune of the elevator tone as you hit the lobby, you walk composed now toward the exit as you see him waiting for you at the exit.

He is dressed in a black suit and newly pressed black collared shirt. The elevatordoors close behind you resonating that same tone,simultaneously he begins to turn around as if it called his attention. As he turns you can see the scruff of his beard contrasting against the straightness of his hair. You can tell the plane trip tired him out yet he looks like he had rested for days, and as his head finally makes its final turn, you meet at the eyes. His piercing blue eyes meet yours as you are now inches away from him. He says nothing as he takes his hand and runs it through your hair on the side of your head passing through and over your ear. You can feel the heat coming off his hand as it warms your face, all the time eyes are locked. You need not say anything as you both turn away from the exit his hand now around you and without even looking away he hits the elevator door’s button. You both are locked into each other, both knowing everything thing yet nothing in this blurred tunnel you exist at this very moment. The crystal chandeliers above sparkle in the pupils of your eyes and the people bustling about blur out to your world as it is jut you and him. Once again the sound chimes and without even turning you are both in the elevator still turned toward each other.

You feel a slight loss of gravity as the elevator begins its slow ascent.  In this moment of weightlessness, he pulls your head firmly toward his as he begins to kiss you. The warm lights and the streets filled with cars, in this strange new wonderland of cobblestone roads traveled with the headlights of cars, which seem so out of place rush past, flashing lights through the glass surrounded walls and your closed eyelids giving you the feeling of a strobe effect.  The heat from your bodies can be felt through ever touch, his lips are moist from yours as they slide against yours. Your upper lip over his and both your breath is in sync. As you pass a new floor you can hear theelevator chime as if it is giving each kiss more intensity as it climbs.  It tones again and he pushes you against the glass window. Every floor his hands pull you closer and grabs at a new part of your body.  You hear him inhale deeply to gather his breath in this moment of breathless fervor, and with that you push him sternly away from you. He stands dazed in the center of the elevator you against the glass, you turn away looking out over the amazing city below. In a matter of milliseconds you think of how amazing it is that a couple of hours ago you were sitting at home and now you were looking upon such a magnificent new place. You think about him standing there dazed and somewhat confused, and you think of everyone looking up at you, although nothing more than a blur of lights below, as you, the princess of this new world, traveled up to her throne in a magical way, compared to the rooftops of clay you look down at. Then with a swift motion you untie your jacket with one hand and with the other brush it from your body, as it falls to the ground.

This moment can only be described in a timeframe faster than the mind can think so that if you were watching it, it would feel as though it were happening over the matter of hours. Your jacket slides down your body, revealing the straps of your only cover, black laced lingerie, mixed with satin garters and straps up and down your body in places that would excite. There are garnishes of white accents on every piece that contrast against your darker tones. The jacket slides down your back, over your ass, and piles up at your feet.

You can hear that he has stopped breathing behind you. He had no idea, and that is exactly what you wanted. You almost think of turning around to press his jaw back up to his upper lip but then you hear the tone of the elevator again, as quickly as you hear it chime, you see in the reflection of the glass a quick motion of his hand, as he flicks his wrist at the console of brightly lit buttons flashing each floor, and the elevator stops abruptly. You are about to turn around but before you can turn your body, he is behind your pushing you against the glass, his lips locked into your neck as your writhe in the moment. Your hair falls to the side as you push into his kiss. Your body pressed tightly against the window, your mind races wildly, what if someone is watching, who cares if someone is watching, your mind quickly returns to the subject at hand when his teeth meet your skin for a playful intention. You feel your body fill with heat as you now have no concept of humility anymore. You just intend on becoming his as he pulls at the straps on your body. You hear the clasps unhook with sharp resounding noises. One by one, still entrenched in your neck with his mouth. You let out a gasp of ecstasy.  You reach around you unbuckling his belt and pulling his neatly pressed shirt from his pants. You hear the clasp of his pants undo, and the thought of what will happen next has you let out a soft but noticeable moan.

He can tell that the public-ness of the situation has heightened all your senses, and has turned animalistic in his approach. He runs his hand up the back of your head your hair filling his fingers, as he pulls you around to face him. Your hair pulls as you are forced to turn, you feel the little amount of cover you had on slip down your body since he had managed to pry it all loose. You hear its connect with the floor as he pushes his body into yours.

You reel your head back in the passion of the moment, your hair hanging weightlessly against your back and you feel him lift you up off the ground only your back is pressed against the glass the rest pushed against and over him. With firm and strong motions you both embrace each other, feeling the cables tightening above you as you sway slightly from the intense motions. You let out all sounds that fill your head and body, your bodies begin to perspire from the act itself and the situational circumstances, fearful but emotionally tangled in the danger.

10 floors up the sounds of your last explosive moments can be heard resounding through the elevator shaft itself, through the cracks of each floors doors, not even diminishing as it travels.

The chimes of the floors once again begin to sound again, and as quickly as the last sound chimes, you wake up in his arms, dazed but wide awake. You pull out of his arms, grab the sheet to cover yourself as you go to look out the window at the day ahead of you, as you pull the curtains back you quickly look at the clock, it reads 10 pm.  You realize this is because you landed only a few hours earlier and are still on your home time. You see him lying with the remaining sheets barely covering his naked body, the curves and cuts accentuated by the shadows caused by the open curtain and the moonlight spilling in. He begins to open his eyes, as you move back to the bed, gently getting on it walking on your knees, as the crisp sheets rustle beneath you, bent over to push towards him tenderly. You meet his eyes opening. You kiss him softly and whisper in his ear, “Want to try to get dinner again?”

The First Time – Let’s be awkward, together.

Since, because I am a lover of discourse, the (wo)men of the city, rather than nature and the countryside, are my teachers. – Plato, Gorgias

With the current trend of books like 50 Shades of Grey hitting the top selling lists, you would think we would all just throw each other in cuffs, a blindfold, and have mind blowing sex the minute tensions arise. But like that book, life is filled with typos and awkward moments.

For me, that first sexual encounter always brings with it a level of anxiety. I am not talking run out of the room or curl into a corner anxiety. I am talking about having no idea beyond the few text interactions leading up, perhaps a Facebook stalk, and subsequent dates/drinks/light hearted conversations we have had, what the person in front of me actually likes, dislikes, gets turned on from, and if they care what turns me on.

I have always, since a very young age, raised with 5 sisters and hearing their horror stories of dates, made it a mission to be in control of my body, emotions, and sexual prowess. In short, I want to please the person in-front of me. I didn’t want to be so selfish that it brought someone to tears, so I put this first interaction before myself more often than not.

I will be the first person to say I have had difficulty performing the first time many times. Not because I am not extremely attracted to the person, but because I find many people when you first dive into this part of the relationship, get closed off and quiet.

Shit even typing about a first sexual encounter makes me question how it will come off to the general populous. Will I be judged for having sex on the 1st date or 10th? Will I be judged for not being able to perform? Will you just think I am broken or a player? Regardless I am going to tell you what it is like for me and then what it is like the second time.(even if that second time is a half hour later).

The first thing I do is gauge the lighting. I find that depending on the person the lighting is super important. Some want to see what they are unwrapping in front of them, and others want it to be a classical lights off, closed eye kissing, “first time”. I listen to their breathing while we kiss, watch the corners of their mouths as each kiss restarts over and over for that curl upward. I keep my eyes open majority of the time to see if they will make eye contact, I find the face of someone at that close proximity in what could be described as a broken down boundary to be beautiful. We can fall for someone at a distance or a 5 foot safety, but that close, the face becomes a new thing to look at, enjoy, and breath in. I love catching their eyes, having that moment where both I and they close them quickly almost embarrassed, but even more I love when the gaze gets locked. It helps to turn this very strange first exploration not only physical but emotional.  

That is something that is so hard when you first begin any physical exchange with someone, is understanding that much deeper level of emotion. Sex is intense and it does change things, I don’t care who you are. And what guys will never admit, is they are MUCH more subject to this kind of emotional attachment from sex than women are. For some men it is a territorial thing and some it is intimacy, or a mix of both. For me it is about the connection and not being positive it is a mutual feeling yet. And I don’t expect it to be clear that first time.

Are the hands on your back holding tightly because you are nervous or because you want me closer. How do you gauge what your emotional level is at this point anyway. Easy answer? You don’t. I don’t care if you are someone with a 3 date rule, 10 date rule, marriage rule, sex is so damn personal, no set of guidelines and conversation leading up to it is going to make it smooth. Sure you may be able to be dominant or submissive right off the bat, but there is a connection we all strive for that is mutual. When we let our guard down and don’t play a “role” things become scary. And this is why sex is scary for me at first, I am emotional, I love romance. However I have been a Dominant Leo all my life. Since I could first get it up I always found some sort forms of BDSM extremely sexy. Nothing in the self depreciating world, but the whole tied down, blindfold, outfits, and things that just spice the act up.  I may not be a certified dom and definitely too shy without the right trust to say the right things, but I am extremely observant and have learned quite a bit on my own. To have a partner in crime who is comfortable makes me comfortable, opening up the gate to a whole lot more.

But my big secret is that since I knew what a wet dream was, I was a submissive mindset. Let me define this better, I love to not have to control everything, I love for someone to be strong and be able to help guide me a bit or take control of the situation. I find it captivating when there is a balance of give and take. I will have my jaw break before I give up on figuring out what pleases you, so why should I expect less in return? Should I just accept the female/male power dynamic of “women can hold out sex to control their man?” What century are we in? To have put the same amount of thought and research into the male body as I have the female seems fair to me. I am 30 and still learn new things. So how can you as a woman who knows your body is different than others and will often admit it openly, say, “because it worked on the last guy”. I don’t want you to pull away because I can’t get off after X minutes like your ex and you feel depreciated or belittled. I am a new person, this is a new chemistry, and I am taking it all in. It is beautiful and overwhelming.

Why am I even talking about this when I am talking about “first encounters”? It all ties into the idea that you just don’t know that first time. You don’t know if you should pull the hair or caress it. You don’t know if you lock eyes if they will think you are getting too “involved” subconsciously and reel back from intimacy. So to even get to the more inner expressions of desire, I muddy my way through every bit of emotion I can get my hands on.

“It’s so prehistoric, all men care about is performance, but they have an appendage that doesn’t work if they are worried about performance.” – Love and Other Drugs

After all of this, you are usually fooling around for a certain amount of time before you actually engage in some sort of sexual intercourse. So now my mind is thinking about 10 gazillion things, your body language, your breath, your gaze, your emotes, the fucking lighting, all while trying to keep my little guy ready to go. Even talking about it makes me laugh out loud, there is no way to do this smoothly unless you have the ego of a neanderthal and are just there to get your fuck on. Add to that the worry that the person you are with will feel rejected if it takes you a moment after the foreplay to re-gain your “manliness”, and it is just a “rock hard” formula for disaster.

The sex itself is also an exploration. I have actually taught myself to be more vocal so the person I am with knows more of what feels good, but even then that first time, all I can think of is, “I don’t want to disappoint them” I want them to orgasm and feel good, but sometimes it comes at a small cost of exhausting my own ability without the right mindset on their end afterwards. I want to exhaust myself the first time, with a smile on my face, because I know the next time, I have so much more awareness and so much more emotional attachment.(yes I know, emotional attachment… scary)

The best experience I have ever had was when the person I was with, laughed during the awkward moments. They knew it was OK to be messy, it was OK to be scared, it was OK to have anxiety. It is amazingly fun to explore the other person, to ask awkward questions, to look to please the person you are hoping to see again and again. It is fun to touch the parts that have been covered up all night, it is fun to pull back for a moment and look, it is nice to start with the lights on to see what you have wanted to see for however long it has been before getting to this point.

So yes, I am not the perfect first time, but the second time, which could literally be after I go pee and relax for a half hour, I have heard your moans, I have touched your body, I am intrigued by your “sexual” look, I want to feel you again, and all of this lifts a huge amount of that first time pressure and allows you to just be more in the moment, but more connected at the same time. I got to see what you are like versus getting the synopsis in what these days is the obligatory “sexts” prior.

It can be equated to the simplest form of intimacy, the first kiss. After the first kiss, you know something about your partner, you know they are interested in you too. And so you pull about a foot away from them, open your eyes, and giggle a little, then you just start making out as if you have never kissed another person in your life because it feels good, physically of course, but emotionally, to feel as though you are validated. The person you are with is now partly closer to fulfilling the possible “meet the parents” question. OFF THE FIRST KISS? Yes, off the first kiss. I don’t care what anyone says, if you are actually looking for a relationship, open to dating, and want more than a one night stand, your mind will subconsciously run every scenario of the future it can, even if that subconscious moment is a nano second in between pursed lips.

So I am here, stumbling through my love life, and OK with it. Those imperfections, that struggle, that is what makes it worthwhile. Those moments when you get that tiny bit of validation, confirmation, two minds as one, and you literally smile from the inside out… I may have a moment where I am a stallion or a moment where I am a broken mare, but each moment is beautiful for what it is; sharing an intimacy with someone you hope will share it back, and each day that intimacy turns more into familiarity, that face when you are so close your noses touch becomes something you wish you could get a prescription glass to see it more clearly, and that person becomes someone who you look at and think, “It is OK to tell them about my 51st Shade of Grey”, so that familiarity doesn’t become stagnation or routine or a power play. Call it what you will: love making, fucking, first times, last times, they all are part of a process. I was once told through a message on my dating profile,

“"hmmm… This guy is a little too honest.“ … Then I thought, "I use to be that honest… When did that become a bad thing?” “

We set rules and guidelines based on social norms, the news, our friends experiences, disconnected(but well intentioned) advice from those around us, a revolving inspirational meme on tumblr, or a youtube video explaining “how to ____”, but we forget it is nothing more than someone else’s experience. I make sure to apply my own needs, wants, insecurities, and awkward laughter to the person in front of me, not the idea of what is happening, but what IS actually happening. I don’t know how to not be myself and that often scares me.

“That something is difficult is one more reason for us to do it" – Rainer Marie Rilke, Seven Letters to A Young Poet

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