Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Tag: rants

I understand this photo. But I don’t agree with it. It has been making it’s rounds on social media and while the idea behind it is great I think something that people lack when approaching career choices and sometimes life is a sense of self.

I think this has the idea of “things like toll prices increasing, rent going up, and life getting shittier for the middle and lower class doesn’t matter” approach to life, because of the ideal “One day I will climb my way to the top and become the person who doesn’t have to worry because I will have the means to the end, the wealth, and then I can forget about it”

To me, the idea of dreaming big starts with the idea of knowing how to understand the world around you and make a change. To not accept that you are a goldfish who has to be susceptible to the sharks in the first place, but not being blinded by what the sharks can offer or scare you with.

Risks are good, educated jumps are great, but aiming to be something you clearly can never be, is only fooling yourself if you ask me. Sure you never know, but I think you should still understand your strengths and weaknesses when approaching life. You can dream huge and still have a sense of your skillset to make it happen or at least attempt it without just jumping completely blind. While sometimes blind jumping is needed it isn’t what I see when people post this, I see people expecting to be “the boss” and ignoring the reality of the world around them. I think we should focus on the larger picture, our abilities in relationship, and be able to dream big and actually accomplish those dreams through our own abilities, the help of others, and a greater sense of the world we live in. 

mePhone 6

I love new products and gadgets but the iPhone craze even if I profit off it from time to time, really makes me upset. You see the worst of people for what? A piece of metal and glass that makes it harder for you to distinguish fiction over reality even more. You treat people in line as competition, you cry because you didn’t get a specific color, you cut lines to make a dollar. But it isn’t enough. I, having sat in on two iPhone launches before considered it a fun bonding experience and way to meet potential people to work with and geek out with, but this year if you were not surrounded by resellers who didn’t speak English, witness to the lack of education of the people paid to stand in line for pennies, and hiding your newly purchased iPhones under your jacket as you walk back home, you didn’t stand on the iPhone 6 line. For the first time in a line I felt like I didn’t actually want to support apple anymore because any “device” with this much mind control over someone for profit, bringing out the worst of the worst to yell racist slurs at Asian scalpers, using the N word as if it is OK because they are that race, calling others fags and the like, acting as if their mother didn’t just drop them off in line, pretending the iPhone isn’t paying for baby food, or just fanboy-ism is doing this for all the wrong reasons. I don’t know what the right reasons would be persay but I do know we as people are more important than the devices we let define us. 

I watched workers mock rather than assist, scold instead of prevent, gossip instead of plan. It was as if there were different planets, those on line and those not. Many different races, those buying it, those selling it, and those who didn’t speak english.. and those races were at war, and battling to get to the top of their own social ladders as well. It was a mess.

Why didn’t I walk away today feeling as though the people around me were decent, kind, loving, compassionate, understanding, and better yet not defined by the dollar. Why did I hear the ones who made it that way complimenting each other on a job well done at the expense of others and plotting to do it again next year to get “ahead”… quite literally in line..I saw the worst of people today and it made me sad, it made me grateful, and it made me very angry at the idea that a company has that much control over people. Sure people will always fight and kill over toasters for Black Friday, but your toaster stays home, your toaster isn’t defining you, your toaster didn’t cost hundreds of dollars. You are paying top dollar to scorn the world rather than let them lay on your shoulder if they are tired on the subway ride back. This is too much power for one company. This is too much responsibility for the current human race.

Multi Task Me

Reading a book is stimulating and it has things like structure and grammar etc. However a book seems like a comfort.

A book is something that has an ending, a preconceived idea. It has a direction and follows it, or intentionally breaks it for drama comedy or action.

A book caters to the idea of needing that closure or that happy ending regardless of happy or sad that say a movie does.

But a txt message or an email or a conversation… Those are the tough ones. They may not have the best grammar, or even a complete though, but looking and reading them and actually hearing them determine the next chapter.

Every phrase I say fits into this story I conceptualize when I wake up, when I sleep at night, etc.

Why is it so hard to see bigger than the sentence or lines or script I have made for myself day by day.

I just want you(meaning anyone) to read past the lines, I am not a dead poet but dammit a little analysis never hurt.

You can say write or act out a million things in a day, and it can all happen at once, analysis, your heart, feelings, future conversations, past thoughts. Please don’t try to read me like a book.

I will not fall into your structure nor will I fight against it for no reason. I will loose sight of things like anyone and humble when wrong. I can feel more from seeing your face or hearing your voice or reading a letter you wrote between lunches.

And that is just it, I will and want that feel.

My process to feel may be a bit different but it isn’t closed to the affects.

Multi task me.

Worry about your #Selfie – Part 2

…Superficial… That word.

“not having or showing any depth of character or understanding”

So how does a little vanity mean you are not someone with character or understanding? I know you aren’t saying that I am ranting about the generalization. Too often people look at others as a one trick pony, with only one direction, personality, or one dimensional depth.

If our world had no glamorization, I suppose it could be a much easier place to find the perfect mental match in, however, the human mind is programmed to be attracted to certain aspects of the human body, a very part of the definition of superficial is built into our DNA. But it is also built to need care, comfort, and coddling.

So with that said, I have never thought a selfie was bad, well until it got its own category and name. There are moments where you feel good, you look good, and you want to capture it. Does the selfie define my insides? Nope. It defines my hair on that day and perhaps the #ootd (outfit of the day) haha.

For instance when I lost a ton of weight and started to feel better about myself not only surface level superficiality but physically as well, it was so much fun to share it with others.

Pictures to me mean more than just the definition or notion. A selfie can tell it’s own story about the inside as well. For instance, I have a rubber ducky in the basket behind me, a pink iPhone case, a semi organized bathroom, a tattoo, a red banana hanging, so you could come up with so much more than just the cleanliness of my mirror in the shots here.. but I think we would prefer to just jump on the mass media bandwagon like in so many cases poking fun at those around us labeling the #selfie as something that is “hurting” society, when I am actually very excite when someone has a ton of them. I can now see a little bit more of the bigger picture. A picture can only hide so much, but when you are the one hitting the button, I now know what you think is your “A” game and how you wish to represent yourself. Even if it is just a new outfit, I now have a sense of your style.

When I see someone’s Facebook for the first time, I scroll through the entire timeline as quickly as possible and you would be amazed at the story it can tell:

How you wish to be seen by the world
How you portray yourself to your family
How you act around your friends
How you act at work
What your hobbies are
Where you like to vacation or relax
How you smile, when you smile, if you smile

And so much more. My odd stupid power of being able to almost picture perfectly memorize a profile and dates of the pictures helps too haha. But regardless I say I am 100% pro “self picture”. If anything we get to look back and see what we looked like when we had hair. Our digital catalog is the plastic bound version of our parents scrap books and photo albums, so might as well fill them with things we can reminisce and/or laugh about.

I have written about this before actually, maybe this will be part 2: http://lostintxtlation.tumblr.com/post/73731846420/worry-about-your-selfie

What if we are the ones in jail

I read this in a book recently. The idea that we are stuck in a society, which itself may be the jail. The rules put upon us, the levels of threat we are alerted to, the regulations government deems fit, the taxes we pay.

But what if we break it down to a fundamental of human moral, Truth. We live in a society in which the truth is always one step out of our grasp. One can even assume that levels of the truth do not exist for any one person. Although we all put our trust in one person. That person being our president. But the presidency is made up of people and organizations. The president himself probably probes for the truth. He may have sat in that room the first day of his presidency where they revealed the secrets of the world to him, yet someone in the next room probably held their own secret which was passed to another office and so on. The secrets become a game of telephone. They change and fall far from the truth.

Our world is an evolution yet we have so many implementations of rules and governing ideals that are not updated to go with our evolution, because we are too busy trying to make the first set of rules work.

Technology itself is an example of how we have trouble keeping up with ourselves. An 85 year old man would look at an idea like twitter and laugh himself to sleep. Is it because we are not accustomed to knowing the world around us in truths, but snippets, and “Good Media”.

The introduction of money into any society causes there to be competition, often considered to be good, but also a key factor in changing the rules of engagement. This could be as simple as buying an apple at the market to launching an attack on foreign soil. So maybe we should put ourselves into the situations we often wonder the truth about. We should become soldiers… but a soldier will form his own truths from what he sees. What he sees may be part of the telephone game, where the people he encounters got the wrong message, skewing his truths off center.

So when do we get to know the truth, is it when we die and go to heaven we can look down and see all the answers? Or is it giving up on actively working toward the truth to fall into faith.

Faith gives us a chance to forget the truth and hope for a reality. It cleanses us from our own lies. Not to say faith is not helpful to bring the miracles within a person to the surface, but when as a nation we default to it 7 out of 10 times, you start to wonder if we are being passive with our own existence.

Under God we Trust, yet we will not trust the stranger next us, an embodiment of god, with our money, our families, or our well being.

When will we take an active role in our own lives, when will our questions or concerns, truly be answered? Does our own evolution stunt our ability to ask questions, because as they are asked they change in context?

We hold truth close to our hearts, we value it as a moral, yet we turn a shoulder when the lies are not prominently in front of us. We do not ask when they are not shown to be or are part of our lives; when the lies are a bill of congress not being updated with the times, or the times breaking a good bill of congress.

I often ask myself what it would be like to know the entire truth, and I often imagine it would hurt or turn me insane.

Would I rather go on living in this world which could be the “jail itself” as the author wrote, with my luxuries and comforts, or on the edge of insanity, everyday having to digest the truths of the world, the truths as they forge themselves in time.


  • Ben Our civilization requires methods of control to exist, but when they are placed in the hands of powerful men they are easily and often abused. I despise the finger pointing, pass the buck mentality our culture has, but I am not a powerful man with the ability to change it. All a person can do is live a life of personal responsibility. There is a lot of power in owning your mistakes. I drink because I like to get drunk, not because I’m controlled by beverage advertising. I’m overweight because I eat too much and exercise to little, not because McDonalds made me fat. I judge for myself what is correct (not right and wrong) based on my logic and my meager if ever increasing wisdom, not for the fear of an invisible parent figure that will spank me. Of course it’s impossible to ignore these entities’ influence on us, if only by the sheer volume of advertising and media proselytizing we are inundated with every day. However once we identify these methods of control, we can then choose to reject them. If I have anything it’s the knowledge I hold myself accountable to the personal code of honor by which I abide. Not God, not the government, not a mega-corporation. Most of the time they really only have as much control as you let them. You don’t have to buy what they’re selling. They all want a piece of our brain-space so they can define what is good and bad according to their own agenda. I’d rather answer to myself and advance my own. Anyway don’t worry, you’ll wake up tomorrow and this will all have been a dream.
  • Tristan G Pope You cannot make the statement that you are doing these things on your own, because break them down further, and you are working for the money to get the alcohol and the McDonalds. The work put in place to buy things, a simple thought placed into economy. But another idea started by a person expanded over generations unchecked to see if it still provides us with what we need to evolve. Or is it a grandiose statement to think we should evolve rather than sit and be content. Who’s to say we cannot be content with growth. Why was your hamburger 8 dollars? Why is your bottle service triple that of the alcohol store… Economy, Profit, etc. But like star trek, why is it so important to profit, if we can better ourselves and explore the possibilities of ourselves.

  • The problem I see is that one person says they choose for themselves, yet the things they choose are already in a regulated environment in which their own choice is not that of their own. As well why do the statistics of our country point to faith rather than pro-activeness. And does making your own choices against the grain of a very ingrained society hurt the choice of this very fragile existence we live, or merely a flicker of light or a twinkle of a star in the grand scheme of what we have made for ourselves. Not the “grand scheme” as if there is soo much more in the world to do and see and achieve and become but the “scheme” we have made for ourselves.

The Law of Relativity

I have heard before that this blog has helped people. Actually without a doubt, 99% of people who have read the list of links in “Love is Not Enough” in the menu above, have been able to separate from a bad relationship within 5 days of reading it. So what does that mean? Does that make me a “Life Coach”.. I don’t think so whatsoever. That someone related to something I wrote is a great bi-product of me writing this journal for myself with the intent of others reading. Sometimes you just need to hear the things you are thinking being said out loud by someone else. Nothing original, but something that you can relate to.

Today I heard this quote:

“Turning pro is a mindset. If we are struggling with fear, self-sabotage, procrastination, self-doubt, etc., the problem is, we’re thinking like amateurs. Amateurs don’t show up. Amateurs crap out. Amateurs let adversity defeat them. The pro thinks differently. He shows up, he does his work, he keeps on truckin’, no matter what.”

~Steven Pressfield

Of course it is a mindset. Everything we do is 90% mind and 10% body. It is also being able to navigate the past in a healthy way or at all. The groundwork of our being was laid down as children and for some that fear, procrastination, self sabotage, etc may be due to repressed memories, abuse, a bad childhood, a good one even, the way they were taught, morals, rebellion. The important part of this quote is missing… The part where it tells you it is OK to have these fears and not be called names. “Pro vs Amateur”  It is the journey and the courage to address these hurdles and learn how to navigate them to be a “professional” that should be celebrated. Anyone can tell someone they know HOW to get somewhere, but not everyone can hold their hand when they don’t or give them a lift to help them reach it.

Imagine if Einstein just told people, “Because it is the law of relativity”. And he NEVER explained it. The explanation in this case however is literally burned into our subconscious, being, brains, all bi-products of things we may not even remember happening. The embarrassing 8th grade school dance, the great feeling when we got our 50th touchdown in highschool, the way the family dog licked our face when we were 3. But we don’t get Einstein to give us a brilliant revelation to our issues, we are just faced with ourselves, our own exploration, and our own walls.

I want to repeat, ANYONE can say, “if you do something, it has been done”. But the hard part is we need to learn how to navigate things that have nothing, yet everything to do with the end result to even get it done in the first place.

The world…

So Extremists believe you are paving the path to the next world in this one yet I read of a boy marrying a woman and having a child right before a suicide run in battle. How do they explain birth If life is after death. The ISIS propaganda is well organized, mainstreamed, and intense. And I sit here shaking my head because we were lucky enough to be given life yet we are dumb enough to waste it. It upsets me. And it is also scary that while that begins forming what could be an extremely substantial army, other countries including our own are at war with one another be it territory, race, a job promotion, or a 2$ toaster on Black Friday. When I was told to grow up as a child by my parents when I was a kid, I don’t think this is what they meant. I believe in love, be it for myself or others and this only makes me believe in it more. Because like every generation there is a looming apocalyptic war around the corner, and it is tiring and heartbreaking. We may be an anomaly to this world or we may be brought in by some divine power… Either way it was a precious gift, one being wasted on so much blood and greed and power struggles. It is in our nature to compete but we also have powerful brains… Brains that you would think understand when the competition needs to end.

Why is the truth so bad?

I want to hold hands and make out in public. Go to the movies. Take road trips and see beautiful places. Share things, be intimate and close to another person. Cuddle on the couch and watch tv. I want the simple things. That sounds so cheesy, but it’s honestly what I’m looking for. 

Falling in love is a crazy thing to do. It’s kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity.

I honestly can not deal with another bar. I want to meet when the sun is out or the rain is falling. I want to drink something that isn’t a form of courage and stumble through the everyday with you. Let’s just take a walk or go to a museum and for just that moment get lost in something other than our own lives, sharing, laughing, giving our phones a rest. In that we can be the unabated child we still feel like, stumbling upon words and not needing Google to answer questions we don’t know. Instead working together to create that day and let it have it’s own story, not an already created Facebook memory to go home to.

I believe finding yourself despite and in spite of societal infiltration is key to being 100% real, 100% authentic.

When it comes down to it, I need a challenge, not a game. One must be open to conversation and not afraid of debate as if it is confrontation. Laughter is a plus, even the awkward kind.

Let’s find a random place to lay down and cuddle within the first minutes enjoying the warmth and the affection as we stumble through the words. We can jump into a fountain before-hand if it is to warm. Perhaps we just meet extravagantly in front of the clock in Grand Central and kiss at the stroke of 12(pm I am an old man and need sleep!). Or maybe just kiss right as we meet so now we have a way to make the other shut up when talking too much. It doesn’t need a formula, it just needs a place and the people.

The most important thing to find in a another is someone who understands the risks of telling all, yet they do it anyway, because risk can kiss their ass.

To know that I go into everything in my life with a hopeful outlook even if I get frustrated and caught up by the heat of the moment. I am working on myself everyday even if it is difficult and I would hope you do too. Not because you are broken but because you truly just want to procrastinate stagnation.

I will be 100% responsible for my 50% of the relationship, will you?

A snowy spring night…

The evening started alone. Sitting at the table wanting to look busier than I was but being comfortable doing nothing all while being uncomfortable thinking I was perceived doing nothing by those around me. Holding the glowing phone up to let the world know I was not waiting alone. But being annoyed by the glow to put it down and just sit in silence. Something I don’t get a chance to do often. Sure I will sit and not speak, but at a table, outside of work, outside of my comfort zone, surrounded by the voices of others. It felt like a droning silence and it was nice. The ladies next to me talking about their day and me not having to worry about their burdens.

I looked through the menu for a little to make sure I made a good choice. The prices made my jaw drop. I can’t afford this, I can afford this, fuck why did I pick this place, knowing damn well I really wanted to eat here. Healthy organic goodness. A perfect meal for the night. But I am a starving artist, this will make a dent. Fuck it, too late now.

Back to silence amongst the murmuring voices. Texting her to take her time, saying I had gotten a table, no rush. Words I would want to hear in the same situation. Easier to comfort others than yourself of course.

Unable to figure out what we would talk about, 2 weeks had gone by since we last met, work I suppose, but how long would that last. I had forgotten what we had talked about prior. Did my attempt at a goodnight kiss make this weird? The night got to a place where I could actually just speak my mind and ask if it was weird. Turns out it was all OK. No need to analyze. My explanation of my need to hear others thoughts giving her an insight to my intense observation to that around me. Understood.

So we did talk about work for a bit, showing her a preview of my recent photos and actually explaining the reasoning was a ton of fun. No one else had seen it yet. She loved the photos I take with the dancers after each shoot, and I made my joke saying someone would probably want those for a gallery versus the ones I put so much work into… but she saw I actually was honestly thinking of including it somehow and had some great suggestions. But she also understood those photos would not exist without the wonderful rapport I built with the dancers throughout the shoot.

These moments in my weeks where I get to go out and turn my phone on silent are captivating. To get away from the glow of a screen, the reminders of an email, the chime of a text. To just use your phone as a random fact check or to remember an example. When turning your phone face down makes you feel proud versus scared you will miss something important. When the important thing is right in front of you. They give my mind a rest but not until recently was I told perhaps I wasn’t actually just enjoying the moment and being myself but putting on an act of sorts. Well turns out when I am just me, it is amazing to be disconnected from the world. “How much further can we get from nothing” where even a cloud isn’t ethereal enough.

I don’t know if it was the lack of being rushed at the restaurant. The food. The lighting. The company. Or the stories I was telling but I had a sense of complete calm that night. In a flurry of both snow and thoughts lately it was a zen calm. I talked as myself. My passion for what I do came out. My voice calmed. I was in my head speaking my heart no fears in the world. Just enjoying the company of the person across from me.

Explaining my tattoo’s meaning without saying a word. Through my stories that night and my life it brought it to fruition, no need for a “story”. It gave it its true meaning. It brought the ink alive and made it meaningful. “The Fool” made more sense than anything I have ever written or said about it. Sometimes when I write something down I have trouble re-hashing it as a story, because I feel like I wrote it better than I could tell it. But my stories that night old or new had a new sense of excitement to them. Of course I started to become nervous that I was telling a story ir-replicable if this failed and had to be retold to another, but being happy it made so much sense and brushing it off as a casualty of happiness. I can’t even write how I explained it, I would have to tell you every story in the exact same order. A once in a moment moment. 🙂

Telling deep moments and being given the chance to recall memories from the past few years that truly brought a smile to my face: directing, my dad, my life. It brought me comfort. It made me legitimately smile.

Being able to explain my life and not be judged on it but accepted for it or just listened to. Not needing to know what was in her head, because she would tell me. No deep analysis needed. No multiple thoughts within a split second as preparation for what might be said next to head off any dragons or ogres. Not having the answers was just as rewarding as having them. I like not having to constantly make eye contact during a story because I know they are listening. I disarmed myself by not feeling the need to analyse emotions, eyes, shifting, body language, I was comfortable with myself.

I left on that cold night warm and content inside and out. As I write the daily life anxieties start to return but for those two hours I had complete calm and a sense of self. It was beautiful. No expectations, no wants, just enjoying being there. It was her partly her childlike approach to dating that calmed me. It made me feel safe. I didn’t have to talk about sex, pop culture, or entertain. I just got to be me. I could stumble my words, say the wrong thing, and pause to form the words or never figure them out. It all felt comforting. That night was a good night. She opened up to me in an extremely vulnerable way and we could still carry on. Her eyes told an amazingly deep story and through the pain a deep love for herself and those around her.

The snow falling outside the windows on this “spring” evening may have contributed slightly to the mood as it was calming and slightly romantic, knowing we wouldn’t have to endure a WINTER again.

I don’t know if it was friendship or more but right then it was nice. It feels calm. And I like calm. I like being me. I like explaining the different aspects of life I have had a part in. Many people ask me so when did you fall in love with Photography. To me this is a very difficult question to answer. I don’t think there was ever a point. I am interested in many many things so even calling myself a photographer is hard for me sometimes even though it takes up 99.9 percent of my day. Ha. I just really enjoy things where I can interact with people and help to achieve things with them. Help them in their lives and mine gets brighter. When a character I direct them to be bleeds into their actual life and contributes positively, I have to call that a good day. But I am not a one trick pony, I can make a mean sauce, salad dressing, dance, sing, photograph, edit, travel, smile, laugh, cry, be sarcastic, and so much more. She seemed to understand the different aspects and enjoyed taking them all in as a first impression for a second time versus a one time “this is how it is”. I like the understanding of my choices versus the judgements. I like the outcome to not matter. I like good food. And I like sitting menus down for a good half hour before ordering.

The problem with “Prince Charming”.. he is the rebound.

He “saves” the woman, the woman is swept off her feet, falling for him and only him.

Sooner or later the Princess learns an important lesson, Prince Charming can’t actually save her from herself.

Either she realizes she needs an understanding of herself first or she will end up falling into, once upon a time again, a deep sleep in which she must once again be awoken by “Prince Charming”.

Not such a charming cycle is it?

Tristan Pope, Lostintxtlation

We can only be good at ourselves. Then when we meet someone else who is also good at themself and somehow our two selves match, then we can start working on being together.


Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.

Gloria Steinem

Battle Scars!

Being that my cat has figured out what the door buzzer sounds like, it makes package delivery days very dangerous times in my house to have any “lap time”. That being said, I am standing in the shower this morning looking over my latest battle wound covering half my upper abdominal area, and still thinking to myself,


Now I consider myself to have situation awareness, yet I still look at this cut, caused by what can only be described as an act of cowardice from my wuss cat, running from the evil packages, filled with my monthly subscription to some sort of herbal tea, of the FedEx man, while I was probably sitting at the computer having snuggle time with said beast, watching YouTube re-runs of Ellen, and yet I still beat my chest as the shower water explodes outward, grunting as validation.

The culture of girls being raised on Disney’s ideal Prince Charming and guys the perfect internet porn star, it is no wonder the wires are so crossed half the time.

Worry about your #selfie

A “selfie” is defined usually as a picture shot of oneself using a mirror to reflect the image of the person holding the cellphone, often depicted as an apple iPhone, shirtless or making some sort of strange face, usually a duck face. By adding a hastag # to the front of the word #selfie it helps promote it via social media to other people searching that term.

Somewhere along the line here, people have become unbearably jaded for reasons that they probably don’t even believe in. Just because a new outlet somewhere or blog on the internet has deemed “Year of the #Selfie” to be a travesty, perhaps you should all pull back a bit and look at things like Fukushima, the Boston Marathon, Synthetic pot causing users to eat their own dogs, Natural disasters, a polar fucking vortex!

What a selfie usually ends up being is a person thinking, “Hey I look good today, I want to take a photo.” They look around for someone to take it, realize they are alone in their apartment or don’t want to walk up to the random person in the gym and feel like an idiot, so they use the technology in their hands to make it easy, flipping the camera or using a mirror, snap a picture. Then they look at the picture and either go, “Ewwww” or “Hmm that looks good, I want people to see this of me, it depicts what I am working on progress wise, I think I look good, or I SHARE EVERYTHING” Either way, they then publish this picture to social media like Instagram or Facebook. Tag it #selfie.

What the world is starting to look at it as,  “Why the fuck does that person get to be half naked in a mirror? How fucking full of themself!”(then thinks to self that they should do it but are “better”)(Because obviously you know someone from a selfie so well to call them narcissistic, when you are sitting there judging “who they are”… double standards are fun.)

“You fucking bitch, you have better tits, ass, abs, than me”.

“Your face looks stupid, what are you a duck?” (immediately tries it)

“You are not a teenage girl” (because for all the men, we think we are teenage girls, and for the girls they have magically forgotten what it was to feel young and have magically turned into the word “adult”, accepted cubicle life, and are perfectly content to ignore technology and hide in the shadows of their own self loathing…)

The same thing has happened with home movies and pictures. Back when the cameras and film were more expensive and less exposed, people would move the earth to make sure they posed for the photo being taken or went along with the stupid home movie. But put a camera in everyone’s hands and have it take up no space and you will constantly hear “Put that thing away”, “What could you possibly be recording?”. I dunno just the memories that my family had and shared with me as a growing adult, but I don’t need a lighting setup and 500 dollar film per minute. So even though those same videos are watched and loved by family after the fact, the gut reflex to reject it because it is much more prevalent in our lives is nauseating. The easier it is to do something the more people overlook it and do not condone it. But if it is a giant effort it must be legit. It is the difference between a new caster with an iPhone and full DSLR unit covered in microphones, lights, and accessories making it look much bigger than it really is or needs to be, 9/10 the people who are targeting news media to get exposure will go toward the “Fancy setup” than the “functional” one, regardless of if the results could be the same. I used to buy attachments for my cameras way back just to make myself look more “legit” at events. The inner psychi is fun.

Did you know men take more selfies than women? Did you know other men appreciate selfies from other men than women do to other women? Did you know men look at those selfies and appreciate muscles and form of other men in a “I want to achieve that” fashion? Did you know women take less selfies? Did you know women express their hatred of selfies way louder than men? Did you know women really are split 50/50 on who is attracted to your six pack and who just doesn’t care? Did you know most men feel as though their fitness will help their chances of finding the right woman? Did you know all of that is just primal instinct!?!? Did you also know that who the fuck cares, stop judging books by their covers!

I take selfies and I pick things up and put them down, does it mean I am a meat head? Nope. Does it mean I am completely vein? Maybe lol. But probably not. Will I stop? Nope, I like to keep a record of the way I look, even if it is ridiculous, who doesn’t like to go back and look at ridiculous photos of themselves.

So while you all start to eat up mass media’s approach to the #selfie… maybe what you really need to do is form an opinion of your selfie? Maybe you don’t even need to have an opinion… Maybe you can just let people use the cameras attached to their phones the way they want. Taking a selfie does not DEFINE someone. Judging someone else’s selfie does DEFINE you however.

2013 Comes to an End.

It all leads up to this; the day where a ball drops down to chime in the New Year and the metaphorical weight of the previous year is lifted or solidified.

The celebration of the New Year is either something I look forward greatly like last year when I held my own party at my own house with really cool friends or dread. Maybe it is because I had the perfect example of the dream New Years at the age of 16. Girlfriend by my side, dressed up to the nines, at some high end party where we felt totally out of place, but because we were with each other, we were able to joke about the situation, enjoy the chocolate covered strawberries, escape for a cigarette away from the stuffiness, and ultimately living in each others eyes until the ball dropped and our lips kissed, hinting the flavors of high quality Champagne. I can hardly even make out faces or people from that night, only her. Maybe it was because on the drive home that night it began to snow and we danced in the street to “our song” with a candle from the glove box lit on the roof of my little red car.

Or maybe it was because after that I decided to skip out on the “family New Years” and go to parties. All of which ended up with disappointment. People wanting to get wasted till they puked into the new year never made much sense to me. Searching a party or a bar for a New Years kiss seemed extremely impersonal and contrived.

Or perhaps it was the low key New Years I then subsequently spent with cousins, friends, or family after that. Relaxing and ringing in the New Year with a guaranteed relaxed good time. No pressure and no expectations.

Or maybe it is because New Years is the one holiday of the year that can actually make me yearn for someone next to me and tap into my independence, cut it down, and make me lonely.

I don’t wait until the clock and calendar line up perfectly to make changes in my life and the barrage of “resolutions” and “see ya later shitty _ _ _ _ year” all seem silly to me. When I need to make changes or get drunk off my ass, I do it. I don’t need a party hat to make it official. I enjoy every year be it good or bad. I learn each year what kind of person I am more and more.

So why is it that this year I have decided to spend the New Year alone? I guess it could be a culmination of the entire year in itself. The lack of complete 100% motivation to really commit to my life, my career, and tackle that which is my inner psychi. Shit I hardly wanted to talk to it. Perhaps it is realizations that perhaps the last few years were not what I expected and much of it falls on my own shoulders for what I would and would not do. A mindset, a stubbornness, and brick wall. Maybe this year I have finally decided to take my “accepting” nature of good bad and ugly and actually do something about it, causing me to have to drive the road with the most speedbumps, the most heartache, and the scariest unknown outcomes. This year I am about to put it all out there, put myself on the line. I already gave an emotional bit of me that I had never really given into before and now I try to approach myself and my career. There is a lot of really good groundwork laid that is helping me to conquer my fear of myself as well. It goes so much deeper than just a clock ticking or a number at the end of 3 others changing.

So why did I put very little effort into actually organizing ANY type of New Years plan? I guess it was because I had planned something in my head and it didn’t quite pan out, making everything else seem mediocre. And so I sit here New Years Eve knowing it will be over soon and waiting in angst for it to end so that I can go on with my plan, I can continue to poke and prod my complicated brain against the grain of what it likes to do, I can learn how to love deeper, I can work harder, I can drive myself to have drive itself.

So I sit here thinking of next year, not as a New Years lost but as the specific day that halts the world on end, making me sit here and reflect even for the tiniest of moments.

2014 does look to be a good year. Then again the end of 2013 was starting the groundwork as well(I mean come on I use INSTAGRAM NOW!!). But only if I make it that way. So let the hours tick away, let the confetti stream across the streets, and let the cleaning crew cover it up as if it never happened already so I can wake up and continue on this journey that is life, with those close to me, with those new to me, and with myself known and unknown; knowing I will push because I believe I can and want to, not because the year is over or the past year was hard. I am finally ready to do something about.. well everything. Not to mention some people are already in the New Year… so perhaps I could get a jump on it 😛

Happy New Year to you all, see you in 201…. tomorrow.

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