Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Tag: lost

A self confrontation of a shadow turned nighttime

P.S. (I know I am doing it wrong haha) This song was on repeat while writing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmCn9W7M7CQ or spotify: Ingrid Michaelson – Are We There Yet

I am sore and have taken a beating these last few months. But I feel good, no I feel great, I feel healthy, I feel strong, I feel physically capable, confident, and healthy. I breath the air yearning for it, not ignoring it as a daily activity. 

Here is the hike we did Yesterday:

Here is a video from this weekends hike:

It has been an amazing realization to know that the outdoors, the place I went to everyday as a child, sleeping with one eye open for, was still there waiting for me. Taking that first breath of the cool air, and getting the sensory memory overload from a childhood otherwise pushed aside now. Something meditative for the guy who can’t seem to get out of his head or stop talking, writing, txting, browsing the world around him.

This form of meditation was not through a chant or pose, but from the perspective of a child, my childhood, my carefree exploring mind of young, it gave me what normally hours of mediation would create for someone else, a sense of relief from the world, thoughts, and everything around us except that open, clear, cloud free mind, that just feels like a frozen moment in time, as if you were about to have a car wreck and the world slowed down just for you to see the events panning out before you. But in that moment you just saw the dust particles falling through the sun light infront of you, heard the leafs rustling, waterfalls pouring. It was and is beautiful.

I get home from these hikes now and don’t know what to do with myself if I am not outside now. The downfall to this is I have lost a little motivation to establish the social norms of “work” because I don’t see a clear path to anything yet that can be as enjoyable as that moment of clarity, nothing I love as much as this thing I just learned to love again. Ironically the “paths” I take while hiking, regardless of signs or maps, all feel comfortable and exciting. But my own “path” has yet to let me on it. I don’t know if I need to go up or down to get there.

I am still wandering this world unsure of my purpose. I have so many passions, I direct, I do photography, I used to act, I worked for a video game company, I did construction, worked at Mc Donalds, but I can’t tell you ONE of those that I value more than health, love, passion, happiness, family, and not taking life too seriously. I love to smile, I love to share my ability to smile, but how does someone make that into a “career”… I am yet to figure that out. I am starting to get frustrated at the “what are you doing for work” question again, (this was something I am familiar with, because it happened last time I quit smoking. I fell deep into it and lost hope. I refuse to do that this time… so I am talking about it outloud, I am confronting those things that scare me so much with open arms and no need to inhale on smoke to make it OK.) I am hearing myself wanting to get lost in a video game world to hide from my inability to achieve my own goals by achieving those in the world I do not exist in. And I find that conflicting with my need to wake up everyday and be active and outside, disconnected from Facebook, txting, phones, computers. I want to take the love of my life up on a mountain and just run together, or 10 feet ahead or behind each other, and still know we are on the mountain, breathing the same air, and eventually we will sit down and have lunch together.

I think those two ideas are starting to clash too, because yesterday on my hike, it may have had to do with exhaustion, but my anxiety was a little elevated for no good reason and has remained a bit elevated all day. I felt like I could get the panic feeling, but it never came. But I also fought it subconsciously by running up the last part of the trail and back down, in a record speed, just letting my legs move, and ignoring the pain or my brain saying to slow down. I just wanted to be in motion. And even though I was no longer hiking right next to my friend I knew he would catch up eventually and it was truly freeing to just jump down and up rocks, until I hit pavement again, and heard the sound of cars, resenting their exhausts and sounds, wanting to be at the top again.

As I write this I am actually figuring some of this stuff out too. Trying to figure myself out, while being punched in the face with a newfound love, but unable to make a living off of it can cause issues in the conscious. I have always felt so empowered by what my own body can achieve. And I love to share. Maybe that is a clue. Maybe my life isn’t behind a camera, but exploring, pushing my mind and body to the limit, and sharing my stream of conscious with those around me. Helping others to better themselves, not because I myself am better, but because I am passionate about sharing my everyday thoughts. The unoriginal originality. Inspiring through the simple idea of “I think that too!”, “I struggle there too”, “I want that too”, “I love too”. I have said before, we are, regardless of our achievements or fame, still looking to talk to others and connect with those around us, because at the end of the day and during, consists of just that, interactions, meaningless in an otherwise meaningful “idea” that is society. Figuring out a medium in which people will enjoy reading my 10 page hieroglyphics will be a challenge however. 🙂

So with the good comes the bad. But one day at a time here. One antsy, want to be outside, climbing, scrambling, breathing heavily, day at a time. 

The “Ex” game.

Why do we always have this inclination to go back with our ex’s. Is there something hardcoded into our brains to bring on the extra hurt? I mean don’t we get enough of that shit just on a daily basis from simpler things? We have to subject ourselves to our ex’s because our brains can’t retain the reasons and rationality to why we left in the first place. We seem to all suffer from short-term memory when it comes to this subject. I mean yes there is also the idea that it worked at one point so there will be some satisfaction for us, or the possibility that things have changed, but what do we usually break up over; the core of a person, not their daily quirks that are always going to change over time. So in essence we embark on something that is going to hurt one or both people again just to feel that relationships moments. Be it the comfort of “knowing each other” or the acceptance of flaws or perhaps the movie like atmosphere of all the bits pieced together.

I mean it is almost like being the person who will only tell you the truth while drunk. But once the buzz wears off it is ok to go back on everything you said, regardless of it being THE TRUTH. Just in reverse, for this case… you already know the truth when sober but go into a drunken state where you forget all the shit that makes you and that person not work and decide hmm I need to go back to the ex.

A relationship that is “on and off” just seems like something that is destined to fail.
We have a strange tendency to forget the reasons why a relationship failed in the past. Maybe the moment was so intense for us at the time, the minute it is over, we look back and wonder if we did the right thing. Because all of a sudden the intensity can never be the same and all we can remember are snippets. And usually we remember the best things of those or the places we leave, without the true ability to really comprehend what we didn’t enjoy. So imagine that in an “on and off” relationship, the memories are gonna be all fucked up.

As we age I believe there is only so much pain we are willing to subject ourselves to when it comes to relationships and on and off just doesn’t fly anymore. Not to say it doesn’t happen, but I think you realize it isn’t worth it as you get down the line more and would rather find happiness with yourself alone or with the RIGHT person than to just be content or settle.

Although I also see where this can be the opposite effect, and someone as they age wants to settle rather than be alone, which also has fail written all over it.

I wish there was a study of divorces in America vs overseas. And then compare that to the legit happy couples. Just to see if the cultural difference changes it.

But we all play the ex game. And I just don’t know why we subject ourselves to it. Not to mention the new separation from true communication with social sites, texting, and email, really makes it easier to flirt and mind fuck those who used to be in our lives, be it a txt after a year of not talking saying hi, or a post on their facebook wall, it is our subconscious or even main conscious just playing the ex game.

So what phone numbers do you have in your phone that you keep although you should probably delete them 
:P

Are we all that important to one another?

Have you ever waited for the phone to ring? Have you ever just waited in general, even if you didn’t know the person more than a conversation or a glance, for the next time you could be in the same place at the same time. Where your brains both focused on each other and the words flowed from inspiration instilled by the other person.

I and any of my ex girlfriends will tell you I will not jump into “girlfriend boyfriend” status fast and I expect to know a whole lot about a person before I can see taking that step. It isn’t that I am afraid of a relationship it is that I am one of those rare few who actually thinks the title of girlfriend or boyfriend is important. And if I am going to take that step of commitment to the other person I want to make sure I am invested.

That is where I think I either hit or miss. I treat the dating in the beginning as a different animal. I look to find out as much as possible when I am talking to someone. I want to know that the person on the other end of the phone or in front of my face is able to give me who they are, unabated without the need for a title to open up. This usually ends up poorly for me, because I find that not many people are willing to build their walls from the ground up. They go in with a castle fully defended ready for battle. So by the time my words and personality shine through their wall breaking into who they are, my walls have built up around me to shelter me from the empty feeling I got back. And then it is nearly impossible for me to be myself anymore because I expect my first impressions to continue.

Which I have to say are usually not too off, not in a pretentious way, but in the idea that people usually show their true colors with those walls up, because when you break them down, it just means they are down for you, not the people around them, as well as they have broken down the “relationship walls” so who is to say if they are acting differently to you than a friend or family member. I mean why do we even build “walls” in the first place? What is so scary about being hurt by someone not working out on a relationship level? Shouldn’t we be running head long into these situations so we can have as many as possible to find what we want as quickly as possible. For a cultural need of love it is amazing how many boundaries we put up from letting us get there.

I think of love as a starting point, not the end. When you find love and maybe even marriage you are free of this stigma placed upon you at birth. You FOUND the holy grail, now you have a whole lot more to look forward to with this everlasting life without the need to squander the earth for love. So what will YOU do with eternity.

But I am off topic. What is it that causes that feeling in our stomach when we have an interaction with someone that feels right? What makes us pace back and forth, whether we admit it or not, or whether our life is busy enough to let it be more than a thought here or there? I think we all get it. I think we also have a tendency to try to make it go away so we don’t seem desperate or anxious. We all want to be “Cool”. But isn’t it cool to know that someone else is intriguing to you and you them. Shouldn’t we share those moments?

It reminds me of how I meet people I have dated or how I ask someone to the next step of a relationship. It has always been something very memorable. Not because I MUST have it as a special moment but because I am inspired to think about the time ahead of us as important and want to be able to perhaps one day look back on it and remember. A Polaroid in time. Something you flip through a scrap book when you are older and just you know the feeling it held for you. I don’t want to tell my kids, me and mommy met at a bar, and I was doing jello shots off her curves… I want it to be special to me and her. So I listen, I absorb, and trust me, we all have something that means something to us, as menial as it may be that makes for that perfect moment.

It is like the idea of digital cameras these days. They are so easily accessible that we often carry them and do not use them. Back in the days of my parents, to take a video it was a big ToDo, lights, microphones, heavy equipment and expensive film. So when Grandpa or dad busted out the camera as much as you may object you did it anyway because it was special.

And god those videos have emotion and raw truth to them. Because no one said, PUT THAT AWAY, or if they did it was shrugged off as funny.

I want to find someone in my life that agrees with the idea that a camera should be passed from hand to hand snapping times of life together. Not just a way to grab a point smile click shot, but a mini photo shoot in the middle of the street on the way to work. Where both people on each end of the camera can look back later and see who THEY were.

I want to be able to riffle through a box of old Polaroids with someone and show my kids how old I really am :)

And I am off topic again.

I enjoy those moments when I sit antsy waiting for the next encounter where I can talk to someone that made an impression. I don’t expect anything more than a conversation. I guess I want to say I break the mold of “OMG I need to be with you, that is why I have butterflies until our next talk”. I just want to be able to share with someone who seems to be able to understand my musings and theirs inspire mine to keep going.

It seems to me that showing interest in someone or admitting to the feeling of butterflies defies your true intentions. It is as if you just gave the person an arrow for the bow they had strung. And dagnammit(yes I said that) they are gonna fire quickly. Why would they fire? Because you have just given them the advantage. They now control the situation because either they can agree they enjoy the time with you and even the playing field or shoot it as fast as possible to quell all odds of the dice roll when meeting someone. Just because I am interested in someone doesn’t mean we are good for each other. I base that first feeling on just that a feeling, an impression, an aura of their person. That doesn’t mean I know ANYTHING about them. But it does mean I want to find out. I want to be able to have that open conversation over and over where each time when we stop talking I feel more nervous stomach feelings, because it is working out. To get to the point where I would pursue someone, I need to at least have them open up and spend time with me and I with them. All I can say in the beginning is, wow you make me feel good. And that is good enough for me. But why should I hide it in a cat and mouse game? I won’t and I will dig my grave with many people this way, but I will not give up on the idea that eventually someone will be interested in kissing at the beginning of a date just to see if that chemistry is there instead of spending too much time of a small life guessing. At the same time there needs to be a balance rope of those moments and where you wait for the phone to ring.

I loved what my stepmother once said, where when I find the person I am meant to be with, it will be explosive, because after all this thought and all these ideas, if the other person has had half these thoughts too, the conversation should be freakin’ fireworks.

We do not need to assume everything about a person’s intentions if we are just living to share. There is no reason to be afraid of a conversation, because it may lead to happiness and if it doesn’t work out the way of “love” then we had a great conversation and that conversation helped to build us as people.

We are all so important to one another. The people we come across, the music we listen to, the moments we have, they are forever. As much as we may push forward to further careers, or to just enhance our daily lives with shit not boring, at the end of the day, the people around us are the real important part. They are what help us to be who we are, because we have something else to base our existence on. A movie I just watched said “The bravest people are those who are not afraid to stay still”.

This is a new idea to me. I am one of those people who wishes for the simpler life but knows I would need something to give me that monumental feeling of completeness in my mind to be able to stop pushing forward to enjoy that kind of life.

To go out into the woods and camp out on the hood of a car or sit in the sweltering heat with a person that makes me feel good that the sweat and the bugs are not a bother but a feeling. Side by side, staring blankly upward, but there together. No topic too small or big. I guess to find someone that understands when to be silent and when to chat nonstop would be nice. When to just BE in the moment and when to search for it.

I often reference Alabama type shit for those “moments” because I find they are the most relatable through pop culture or movies but I am a city boy at heart and I find the romance in a city to be truly amazing. The sidewalks, the graffiti, the random tree here or there, the parks, the busy streets filled with people, the food at 4 am. These all are places I picture adventures as well.

How I will find it, life still hasn’t told me. So it should be a fun ride.

Oh and the next person to say “FML”, I’m going to send you anthrax.

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