These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Tag: heartbreak

“The Hover” (+Add Friend)

I just spent what felt like endless time hovering over the “+Add Friend” button on Facebook of my last relationship. I had no music on, I had other shit to do, but I saw an update through some forgotten social media so I ended up clicking link after link until it ended up on the landing page of the once removed Facebook page. I literally had my face about 5 inches from my 30 inch monitor just staring at the button, mouse cursor over it. The inviting hued green color saying it was OK, my mind having a battle that parallels that of an open field revolution, both armies firing across, the same hue of green, grass at one another.

When I finally began breathing again, my brain felt like no one actually won. Just PTSD suffering symptoms resonating in all parts of my synapses still firing rapidly. Or maybe it was the lack of oxygen from staring at it for so long without taking a breath. “She is like your mother”, “She hurt you”, “She made you a better person”, “She inspired you”, “You got nothing done with her around”, “You liked the idea of inspiration versus the application”, “she is so talented”, “she is so beautiful”, “we had amazing chemistry”, “she abandoned you when she deemed it too hard for herself”, “she will do it again”, “Socks”, “we would make good friends”, “we can’t just be friends”(actually specifically I remember her saying to me we could never just be friends back when we were good).

I loved her, I momentarily hated her, I didn’t care anymore, I am offended and proud when she is successful, I keep wanting it back. The idea? Did the idea even have enough time to be one? I was her doorway from danger to safety. I was left in the hallway between the two doors. I am still in that hallway. I wonder if she ever see’s my “Add Friend” button. She should come back to me, not me to her. Would I even accept her? Would I even know if she accepted me, everything I knew about her was an expression, a breath, an internal sound, the words were just paper versions of what they should be, the real feelings were all in her eyes, and I no longer have access to those. All the time having “Buy it Now” syndrome, where I hover over an obvious impulse buy, which I probably can’t “afford”, but click anyway and don’t look back because it already ran your credit card. Even knowing you now have a small window to cancel it but wanting it enough to pretend it is final.

Regardless of being so introverted compared to me, an extroverted introvert as she said. Regardless of me trying to work to “compromise myself” without the same in return… I don’t want someone who can’t accept “Time” as a mutual enemy and skip the “readings”. I don’t want to get a PH.D to legally understand her. I’m glad I didn’t hit the button. But I am sad that I can’t. I am sad that we can’t just be in each other’s lives. I am sad she was such a good kisser. I am sad that my winter felt colder because the promise of her being there was broken. I am sorry I looked so far ahead. I am sorry she allowed it and sealed the ideas with a kiss. I am upset she was cowardly in her last message to me via text. How stereotypical she had become to use the media forms we both knew disconnect people from actual responsibility. Ultimately making me decide her fate, when she was holding the gun. Although it was a water gun, blinding, blatantly orange, no threat, just empty, no water, taped shut, never to be filled.

My brain continues arguing. “I still miss her.” “I still believe in her.” “The woman at Dunkin donuts said we looked good together.” “I still don’t know how to protect myself from her.” Why am I hovering over this fucking button!

So I pulled away, I decided to come here and write instead, I didn’t “break”. Then the equally calming hue of blue, with the words “Follow” on Instagram appeared…

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Thinking of you…

I love my window because it has the fire escape on it and when I sit there looking out at the rusting metal with bits of black paint peeling from it, it clears my head. Something about it makes me feel good. And through that release from my own thoughts puts me into my thoughts even more.
 

I look out even if I don’t look up toward the sky like a contrived movie pose, I think perhaps like Fival with the whole “Somewhere out there” sentiment.

I mean is there really someone out there that is your soul mate. Is there really a person who is thinking of you and you of them regardless of where you are in the world? I mean is there someone who has gone through life in just such a way that makes you and them the perfect match?

Or is it possible that there is more than one person out there that is your perfect match. Does soul mate even mean what it is meant to mean. People get remarried, people die and meet someone to fill the void, yet I wonder if perhaps we might miss out on that chance to be with the perfect person because we can settle. Because we can sacrifice the idea of that ONE person to be loved.

Do we match due to astronomy, or do we match from feelings, or perhaps since the idea is that when we don’t look fo it it finds us, that there is a predetermined fate for us and who we will love, but when it happens can we actually make it happen and is it possible for it to slip through our fingers. Then what? Do we control it or does fate?

Can friends turn lovers when as friends it can be halted by other lovers…

Are we actually just making up this thing called love, because don’t we strive to learn how to love ourselves before we can find love, and isn’t that a life long journey for everyone because our lives constantly evolve and the person in the mirror is never the same.

Is it possible to feel heart break when you haven’t even felt the love yet?

Blah so many questions, so many ideas. I was right in one thing, pointing myself in the right direction and being unsure is way better than getting comfortable and being the wrong way.

I’m writing incoherently… so the end.

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