Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Tag: guy

A Metro Lumberjack with Wifi

If you are looking for the guy who is mysterious, I may not be your choice, not because I am not good at keeping the intrigue going, keeping you on your toes, or being a “man”, but because I choose communication over fighting down the road over notions of “who I am with you” and “who I am with myself”. I can dress nice, I can grow a beard, I can also shave and look like a total bum, and wear plaid. I am great with my hands, but also text faster than a jack rabbit, doing what jack rabbits do quickly. Perception really. Your wants at the time of reading this and my perception of what I want. Does that mean if we agree with each others ideas it is inception? *epic music here*

I am really not a fan of bars or packed clubs… Every now and again it is enjoyable but I am 9 times out of 10 happier with you laying on me in the middle of the park. Shit I am even happy without talking and just enjoying the people and falling asleep in the afternoon. Does that mean I don’t like going out? Hell no, I love it, but I love the woods, I love the water, I love working on a project, building something, wearing my most comfy outfit while sitting on the patio but enjoying the company of everyone around. Grab a drink, don’t grab a drink, go in the kiddie pool, order some food, go upstairs to shit, whatever you want. It is calm and natural. Also I am damn good at doing nothing and being 100% ok with it. I do not have FOMA (fear of missing out). I did when I was younger but then I realized that fear was actually causing me to miss out… Mostly on enjoyable things by forcing myself to look for it too much, often ending in tiring boring nights of the same old shit.

Watching the other people at bars and clubs makes me hate civilization. Looking at these people lining the walls, with a fake “yo I am cooler than you” face is weird. Watching every girl coming in with more and more ass hanging out confuses me. Sitting in the corner of a smelly room paying excruciating prices for a glass of 20 dollar bottle of wine. I will never understand it. Shit I wanna use that dance floor to make a fool of myself. Surrounded by people who will enjoy it. I would prefer the opposite of any dance film where everyone is a professional and just have the worst person in the middle be the winner.

I often try to think of ideas for third and fourth dates and I realize I want to do the same thing I would suggest for 1 and 2, food, a museum, the park, a hike, pool, maybe a movie on the couch? Do I feel like it makes me less attractive, yup. I feel as though to fit in sometimes you have to know the best restaurants in this city of culture and diversity. You have to be able to suggest the best wine, not to mention afford it. But I am truly just happy to be with you. As long as we are looking in the same direction, laughing at the same people we walk by, I am happier with you, and noticing the weird looking squirrel than wherever our destination may be, hopefully you notice the squirrel too. I am also content just to be doing our own thing but around each other. (according to those close to me, I clean 1000 times better when someone is just sitting with me haha) I find that exploring and finding the cool places with you would be more fun than a fully planned out evening ever could be. I also wonder if asking you to the park on a first date is going to make me less “mysterious” and a “man’s man”, hindering my ability to “court” you. Does a big bill and drinks = fuckable and a calm day in the park = boring? I just wanna scream “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” sometimes.

I honestly fantasize about living as far from a busy city as you can get. I fantasize of waking up to the smell of coffee, going into the yard and doing some work, maybe going to the corner store and puttering around to help the random tourist bus with their needs, and then focusing on chatting with the people around me and ultimately ending up home next to you, maybe you are reading a book leaning on me as I fall asleep or we are just in the same house finishing up what we need to do. But we are together and there is no pressure other than the need to take care of life, each other, and check in on youtube cat videos here and there. I think with the right company this lifestyle will give more pleasure than a fast paced, high paying, job could ever. Or why not both? I mean we were raised with the idea that eventually we find a job/career, make money, and love, yet we always seem to put love on the backburner.

But back on topic, will our first date in the park be on the day you really wanted a drink in a bar? You never know, but at least, we get to meet in person, and at least feel if there is something there instead of googling it. And I have come to a somewhat understanding that I am ok with this as long as it means being me.

“What I’m trying to make a point of is yes it’s those little simple everyday human things that I wish people valued more It’s the smallest things that create real intimacy and the smallest things that create and lead to big things“ – A.A.A.

Love will find you… but stop hiding!

My mother always told me to “wait, be patient, love would come to you”.

If and when I hear this today, I can’t help but think this is the furthest idea from the truth. Either it is my innate need to rebel against my mother’s advice or it is my sense of self being defined enough to know that the “Love will find you” love is not the love I want. I do not strive for the staple white picket fence, mortgage, two kids, and flat screen TV 2 inches bigger than my neighbors. My white picket fence is not a place or a thing, it is a feeling, a way of being. My “hallmark family” is defined by how we live our lives and treat the world around us, not building up a literal and metaphysical wall to create a new world, isolated from the paved street filled with other’s also hiding in their own homes, feet from one another. My ideal love is able to live in the world in front of me, to be present for the ups and downs, and to feel everyday as intensely as the last.

I have written many things about two people’s timeline’s and how that can affect your ability to love and that once you do love that love alone, is not enough.

The question I often struggle with is, how do you “find” love then? We seem to be OK with it “finding” us, but someone has to be doing the hunting. If it isn’t me, who is it? If your mother taught you the same thing, what kind of stasis is love attracting us to one another in?

If you do run into a situation where there is a potential for love, should you grab it by the head or should you, like a child, pull its hair and run away giggling, in hopes that it got the clue? We often use words like “clingy” or “intense” to define those who show their true intentions up front when it comes to the topic. I come off as the little kid yelling “Mom, Mom Mom” still, but I’m just excited about most new things and people in my life. I find it to be a tricky tight rope to walk, not only for the other person and to not scare away the deer who heard the twig break, but to also keep your own guard and not get trampled by an idea of love. To keep the balance of self vs infatuation, letting it breath and grow naturally, but also adding wood to the stove before it burns out too quick. 

Finding someone else regardless of the social constraints:

  • Who pays the bill

  • Who buys the first drink

  • When you split the bill

  • who sends the first message

  • Who txts first

  • Who calls first
  • Who says I love you first

What does it all really matter or mean in the long run?

In an organic situation you will find someone attractive and then subsequently judge them based on who they are. What you do in that moment is almost irrelevant, since if and when you decide one day to spend the rest of your lives together today is going to be a distant memory. You will remember feelings, looks, exchanges. You won’t remember the taste of the food or the price of the wine. Things change, jobs change, we change… but our connections grow and to grow together surpasses the social confines of a date.

We shouldn’t put so much pressure on the first impressions or circumstances rather than the person right in front of us. The thing that is most important.

So maybe that is the answer to “letting love find you”; allowing yourself to be open, vulnerable, and safe all at once, in the moment, with the person, regardless of the place, time, or everyday needs bestowed on you as a human being. Listening to them and them to you, letting go of your body to be yourself and actually see them and you in the full picture, before making a judgement or acting on an impulse. We don’t have to meet at the pinnacle of perfection we just have to meet. Then we have to be open to communication and understanding. Then if what ever interested us at our first “spark” is strong enough as we travel along our own life lines we will actually become two people who encourage and inspire one another.

By the way feel free to replace the word love in this with relationship or partner or girlfriend or friend at any point. You will find they all fit.

Just some food for thought today.

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