Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Tag: broken

“The Hover” (+Add Friend)

I just spent what felt like endless time hovering over the “+Add Friend” button on Facebook of my last relationship. I had no music on, I had other shit to do, but I saw an update through some forgotten social media so I ended up clicking link after link until it ended up on the landing page of the once removed Facebook page. I literally had my face about 5 inches from my 30 inch monitor just staring at the button, mouse cursor over it. The inviting hued green color saying it was OK, my mind having a battle that parallels that of an open field revolution, both armies firing across, the same hue of green, grass at one another.

When I finally began breathing again, my brain felt like no one actually won. Just PTSD suffering symptoms resonating in all parts of my synapses still firing rapidly. Or maybe it was the lack of oxygen from staring at it for so long without taking a breath. “She is like your mother”, “She hurt you”, “She made you a better person”, “She inspired you”, “You got nothing done with her around”, “You liked the idea of inspiration versus the application”, “she is so talented”, “she is so beautiful”, “we had amazing chemistry”, “she abandoned you when she deemed it too hard for herself”, “she will do it again”, “Socks”, “we would make good friends”, “we can’t just be friends”(actually specifically I remember her saying to me we could never just be friends back when we were good).

I loved her, I momentarily hated her, I didn’t care anymore, I am offended and proud when she is successful, I keep wanting it back. The idea? Did the idea even have enough time to be one? I was her doorway from danger to safety. I was left in the hallway between the two doors. I am still in that hallway. I wonder if she ever see’s my “Add Friend” button. She should come back to me, not me to her. Would I even accept her? Would I even know if she accepted me, everything I knew about her was an expression, a breath, an internal sound, the words were just paper versions of what they should be, the real feelings were all in her eyes, and I no longer have access to those. All the time having “Buy it Now” syndrome, where I hover over an obvious impulse buy, which I probably can’t “afford”, but click anyway and don’t look back because it already ran your credit card. Even knowing you now have a small window to cancel it but wanting it enough to pretend it is final.

Regardless of being so introverted compared to me, an extroverted introvert as she said. Regardless of me trying to work to “compromise myself” without the same in return… I don’t want someone who can’t accept “Time” as a mutual enemy and skip the “readings”. I don’t want to get a PH.D to legally understand her. I’m glad I didn’t hit the button. But I am sad that I can’t. I am sad that we can’t just be in each other’s lives. I am sad she was such a good kisser. I am sad that my winter felt colder because the promise of her being there was broken. I am sorry I looked so far ahead. I am sorry she allowed it and sealed the ideas with a kiss. I am upset she was cowardly in her last message to me via text. How stereotypical she had become to use the media forms we both knew disconnect people from actual responsibility. Ultimately making me decide her fate, when she was holding the gun. Although it was a water gun, blinding, blatantly orange, no threat, just empty, no water, taped shut, never to be filled.

My brain continues arguing. “I still miss her.” “I still believe in her.” “The woman at Dunkin donuts said we looked good together.” “I still don’t know how to protect myself from her.” Why am I hovering over this fucking button!

So I pulled away, I decided to come here and write instead, I didn’t “break”. Then the equally calming hue of blue, with the words “Follow” on Instagram appeared…

image

The “Ex” game.

Why do we always have this inclination to go back with our ex’s. Is there something hardcoded into our brains to bring on the extra hurt? I mean don’t we get enough of that shit just on a daily basis from simpler things? We have to subject ourselves to our ex’s because our brains can’t retain the reasons and rationality to why we left in the first place. We seem to all suffer from short-term memory when it comes to this subject. I mean yes there is also the idea that it worked at one point so there will be some satisfaction for us, or the possibility that things have changed, but what do we usually break up over; the core of a person, not their daily quirks that are always going to change over time. So in essence we embark on something that is going to hurt one or both people again just to feel that relationships moments. Be it the comfort of “knowing each other” or the acceptance of flaws or perhaps the movie like atmosphere of all the bits pieced together.

I mean it is almost like being the person who will only tell you the truth while drunk. But once the buzz wears off it is ok to go back on everything you said, regardless of it being THE TRUTH. Just in reverse, for this case… you already know the truth when sober but go into a drunken state where you forget all the shit that makes you and that person not work and decide hmm I need to go back to the ex.

A relationship that is “on and off” just seems like something that is destined to fail.
We have a strange tendency to forget the reasons why a relationship failed in the past. Maybe the moment was so intense for us at the time, the minute it is over, we look back and wonder if we did the right thing. Because all of a sudden the intensity can never be the same and all we can remember are snippets. And usually we remember the best things of those or the places we leave, without the true ability to really comprehend what we didn’t enjoy. So imagine that in an “on and off” relationship, the memories are gonna be all fucked up.

As we age I believe there is only so much pain we are willing to subject ourselves to when it comes to relationships and on and off just doesn’t fly anymore. Not to say it doesn’t happen, but I think you realize it isn’t worth it as you get down the line more and would rather find happiness with yourself alone or with the RIGHT person than to just be content or settle.

Although I also see where this can be the opposite effect, and someone as they age wants to settle rather than be alone, which also has fail written all over it.

I wish there was a study of divorces in America vs overseas. And then compare that to the legit happy couples. Just to see if the cultural difference changes it.

But we all play the ex game. And I just don’t know why we subject ourselves to it. Not to mention the new separation from true communication with social sites, texting, and email, really makes it easier to flirt and mind fuck those who used to be in our lives, be it a txt after a year of not talking saying hi, or a post on their facebook wall, it is our subconscious or even main conscious just playing the ex game.

So what phone numbers do you have in your phone that you keep although you should probably delete them 
:P

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