These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Category: Relations/Romance (Page 2 of 3)

Love is scary.

So it is a strange thing to feel this way about another person.

There is so much of the equation you will never know because in the end you are both two different people with different thoughts and minds.

But when it feels right there is something to it that makes you think you can read their mind and them you.

But I think the scariest thing is something that happened recently, watching her put away my laundry, feeling sick, and completely out of it, yet I sat in the bed and watched her. And with everything playing against the situation and an increasingly upset stomach on my end as well, I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to ever have to.

And I think that is where it becomes scary to feel this strongly for someone. When you realize, wow, if they leave, die, or just turn into jerk faces, it is going to hurt.

But I have always gone into relationships with my heart of my sleeve and figured hey, if they punch it, oh well, I will bleed a bit and get back out there. So I will not do it any differently here, but it just feels soo much more intense.

Plus you wonder, does it just happen like this? Have I found that person? It is something we all want but when faced with the reality of it, it is freakin scary.

Instead of thinking a year into the future with random thoughts of “If it works” my brain has already played out 30 years from now. At least I haven’t considered dying next to her yet, although I have considered where I would retire and how that would be. Lol. Dammit so probably like 50 years in the future! BY THE WAY YOU ALL DO IT so don’t deny it lol. It isn’t me sitting in my room contemplating it for hours it is fleeting quick thoughts that flash by as quickly as you blink.

We are still in the moments where we spend a better half of a day in bed just staring at each other and making witty banter. Then we realize our day is gone and we rush to do normal everyday things. But somehow, and I am yet to figure this one out yet, we fit in a WHOLE lot of substance to our conversations and days even if it feels rushed at the end after we sat in bed all day.

So what am I saying exactly? Nothing specific, just recounting a moment of thought, probably not as well as I could being as I had it last night and wrote myself a note to remember cause I wanted to sleep. But oh well, I wanted to write about it anyway.

I really am so excited to get her to NYC with me. I want to share a part of me that is extremely revealing of who I am. I want it to be months from now when my brain and my emotions can agree upon a decision to love. NYC isn’t that moment but it shows a passage of time when we finally go, so it makes an example of what it is, not how it will happen. I also want to experience the romance of NYC with someone I love as well. I always found it to be the most romantic cities in the world. (well until I went to Paris and saw their mood lighting on the streets and bridges at night)

I feel a little bit like my big sister right now, because she always seemed to jump into relationships heart first, and I feel like I should be confiding in her for advice on when it is OK to let it just BE that way, but at the same time, me and my sister differ very much in relationships and how we approach them 🙂

As of right now I am excited for moments like this weekend when we plan on getting out of bed, going and doing something fun together. Just planning a day where we are away from our lives but in each other’s is nice.

I finally got to see her in the chair for a fleeting moment last night.

I realized that I wish I had more lighting like my room around the house; it is very much a thing that my sister used to do. Her houses were always warm and inviting. I try to emulate that the best I can, which usually means I wait until she gets here to help me decorate! Haha.

I woke up to her toothbrush next to mine. It was warming.

Anyway, that is all for now.

Lost in txtlation – Part II

Why is txting so popular?

How many times when you get a text do you think to yourself, MAN I have to TYPE THIS OUT!?!? Or you get a frustration with trying to convey a one word answer by hitting numerous keys.

Well it seems if you feel this way you may be the odd man out.

Texting, AIM, Email, Facebook messages, Myspace, etc., these have all become a common place to talk to someone. It is no longer calling someone up on the phone to chat but through a mediator such as MySpace.

So what makes these forms of interaction so popular? I have a couple of theories.

For people trying to pick up one another, such as one would do at a bar, these forms of interaction make for a very safe environment.

Think of it if you may, as a book. You pick up a book and can interpret the writers words with whatever your imagination can dream up. There is a sense of magic here. You could even say in the case of meeting someone new, it has that sense of romanticism(movie romance) as you read into each word the other types and try to make it fit what you want, feel, ate for lunch.

But these books don’t end when you end the conversation for the night. These books keep living and breathing, having their own lives, with interaction, dreams, work, and so on. The next time you pick up the book the cover may have changed and the title altered, the pages may even be more worn than when you last picked it up. Thus is human nature for our day to day lives to take effect on our overall story, but to the person not physically in our lives the words still look the same as they did the night before and the everyday use not noticeable through the hard cover, perhaps we will call it the computer screen. So before you know it they are reading a book about vampires when they swore if they ever had anything to do with Sparkly Vampire books they would kill themselves.

Txts, aim, and email are like living a relationship as if it were a book, able to form your own opinions on who is on the other side. And who doesn’t dream big or disappoint huge. So perhaps we are making the other person out to be the villain or the antagonist. So let’s say finally we do meet face to face, will our children’s fairy tale like aspirations be too overwhelming for reality of the truth? We are all dreamers and words on a page leave a lot for us to dream for, good and bad. Is it similar to beauty as we see it through the eyes of Photoshop? Does it make us get further and further away from true love as we read deeper and deeper into the ease of manipulating our own minds by applying our own inflections and scenarios to what people type?

Have you ever been on the edge about buying something for yourself, but you go to the website and fill out all the info anyway, even as you debate it. As you finish up you are still on the fence, but you stare at the enter button. You drag your mouse over it, and without a second thought you CLICK, because you cannot take it back. And at that point all that is left is just to convince yourself that it was a good choice. The same can apply to conversations, especially in a place like AIM. During a conversation where there is no instant repercussions it is easier to say “I love you” or “You bitch” or anything between the lines, because all you have to do is hit enter. You don’t have to worry about seeing their face, or them seeing yours.

Which leads me to the idea of “second chances”.

These forms of interaction give you a chance to say or hear it first, take a moment, analyze the situation and form the right answer, not YOUR answer. You essentially are able to look through the deck and “Play the right card”. Oh and if you guessed wrong and the house had an ace you can twist your words, “Oh I totally meant that in a sarcastic tone” “Oh I’m sorry I meant that as a joke I have a dry sense of humor”. It is easier to let go of what someone says as a misinterpretation or wait till they type something you like to hold onto versus the things that would send up red flags if you heard it in their voice. With text and conversation held in text you can literally count up the things you like and do not like. You can erase the moments that didn’t fancy your palette. Problem is, because you don’t know how jazzed they were on the other side, you once again are forming opinions about how they feel about things through how you feel. Weighing their amount of interest in something by your own.

So who is it that you are talking to on the other side? Is it perhaps just a version of yourself? Does the anonymity and lack of inflection allow for your to read their words as that dream person or perhaps in your own voice?

Is this a great way for people who may not like face to face conversation to interact?
Or could it be, we are working against our own aspirations through the rudimentary idea that we sit in class at age 12 and analyze other’s work, such as poetry and literature, and through these actions we form opinions. But when the other person is alive and breathing on the other end to explain where as a dead poet would scream from the grave to be able to explain the truth.

I suppose time will show more on this one. But if we continue to move further and further from interaction and more into twitter spheres where you must be followed to be popular but you need to follow first to be followed making your ability to read your followed less and less, you might as well just not talk at all.

Perhaps the generations will just skip me, and I will be lost in the archaic idea of feeling by being close to the other person. Perhaps I will be a character from “Demolition man” and be shunned for trying to talk vs sending a txt or in their case touching during sex, vs virtually fantasizing about it. Funny part is, they predicted Arnold would be governor in that movie, so who is to say they are that off on the idea of interactions.

It scares me because people do tend, myself included, to choose the path which is least intrusive on our lives, quirks, fears, but do more people than just me feel that burning desire to meet in person and frustration caused by countless txts leading to no next step. I like to move forward, and these types of interactions don’t have a very planned path, because we can leave them with whatever excuse fits us for the day, “tired” “work early” gonna grab some food” etc etc. But what truth is in it all?

(FACEBOOK COMMENTS)

Gennarose Pope

Gennarose Pope

Whomever wrote “Demolition Man” is most definitely a modern day Nostradamus and should take up the office of national wizard immediately.

Seems texting adds to and aids with cultural social anxiety. It’s ye ole’ vicious cycle effect. One commences with texting as a comforting alternative to one on one interaction and therefore breaks through … See Moretheir social anxiety and connects with the world, while another loses the desire to connect one on one with the world by texting. I think they had similar fears about letter writing. And the telephone. And email. And soon we’ll have virtual party rooms with smell and touchivision and won’t have to leave our beds at all.

July 7, 2009 at 7:05am ·

Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Interesting about the same fears with letters. I know it is all the same ole’ Older person freaked out by the “future” technology yadda yadda. But I think the difference between letters and internet is accessibility. Much more of a pain in the ass to write a letter than an email and usually a letter is more intimate now. Doesn’t mean I’m not full of shit, just means I think with cultural anxiety we need to fight that in our selves and figure out a happy medium of both.

The notebook, OVER THE TOP, or obtainable?

It isn’t that you cannot find love like that in a movie as over the top as the Notebook, it is just that is won’t play out like a movie, quickly and only those moments. So instead of being afraid of romance or using words like ‘cheesy’ when it happens, why not enjoy the moments as much as you can, because you never know when the next one will be. Not to mention the more you make someone feel stupid for thinking in a romantic way, the more numb they become to wanting or even thinking of doing it.

Don’t believe me? Ask your girlfriend the last time a guy did something super memorable or romantic for her. Maybe 1 out of 25 gets a romantic gesture. Girls seem to get how to do it a bit more but seem to do it less sporadically, more for special occasions like a birthday.

GUYS, all you have to do is listen to her when she talks. The smallest word out of her mouth incorporated into a moment can be the most romantic day of your life.

GIRLS, stop making fun of guys if they are romantic, because you are full of shit if you don’t like it a little bit. True there is such thing as too much, but until it is TOO MUCH, perhaps you should just enjoy it?

I suppose we have to fit roles. And if a girl sees you are romantic they automatically think you are THAT role. Wish people would look at each other like Trees. If you cut to the core, you will see the rings of life and understand there is much more than just the ONE ring you can see at that moment.

Anywhooo…

(FACEBOOK COMMENTS)

Siri Selvnes

Siri Selvnes

The Notebook is one of my all time favorite movies.

“I am no one special. Just a common man with common thoughts. I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but in one respect I’ve succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul and for me that has always been enough. “

July 5, 2009 at 2:11pm ·
Gina Pope Moore

Gina Pope Moore

Hmmm, interesting tree analogy. And back when I was your age, I LOVED it when a guy (the right guy) would take the time and energy to do romantic things. Now that you’ve brought it up, I may just have to reinvent those sorts of gestures because they tend to fade away when two people have been together for a long time. Have not seen this movie in a long time so will watch it again. I do remember shedding a few tears though!
July 6, 2009 at 2:06am ·

Kirsten Danielle Blair

Kirsten Danielle Blair

It’s true. I can count the incidences on one hand, where i have received a romantic gesture designed with me in mind. And you really do grow numb to it after time, which is sad because the deterioration of said acts and displays of love really does eventually cause them to become foreign and awkward. Just as easily as we have been conditioned to “… See Moremake fun of”, or reject romance as part of our current progression of culture, with equal ease we should be able to facilitate its reintroduction. We just need to be mindful of its absence in the first place, by having more romantics, such as yourself, roaming the streets 🙂

Are we all that important to one another?

Have you ever waited for the phone to ring? Have you ever just waited in general, even if you didn’t know the person more than a conversation or a glance, for the next time you could be in the same place at the same time. Where your brains both focused on each other and the words flowed from inspiration instilled by the other person.

I and any of my ex girlfriends will tell you I will not jump into “girlfriend boyfriend” status fast and I expect to know a whole lot about a person before I can see taking that step. It isn’t that I am afraid of a relationship it is that I am one of those rare few who actually thinks the title of girlfriend or boyfriend is important. And if I am going to take that step of commitment to the other person I want to make sure I am invested.

That is where I think I either hit or miss. I treat the dating in the beginning as a different animal. I look to find out as much as possible when I am talking to someone. I want to know that the person on the other end of the phone or in front of my face is able to give me who they are, unabated without the need for a title to open up. This usually ends up poorly for me, because I find that not many people are willing to build their walls from the ground up. They go in with a castle fully defended ready for battle. So by the time my words and personality shine through their wall breaking into who they are, my walls have built up around me to shelter me from the empty feeling I got back. And then it is nearly impossible for me to be myself anymore because I expect my first impressions to continue.

Which I have to say are usually not too off, not in a pretentious way, but in the idea that people usually show their true colors with those walls up, because when you break them down, it just means they are down for you, not the people around them, as well as they have broken down the “relationship walls” so who is to say if they are acting differently to you than a friend or family member. I mean why do we even build “walls” in the first place? What is so scary about being hurt by someone not working out on a relationship level? Shouldn’t we be running head long into these situations so we can have as many as possible to find what we want as quickly as possible. For a cultural need of love it is amazing how many boundaries we put up from letting us get there.

I think of love as a starting point, not the end. When you find love and maybe even marriage you are free of this stigma placed upon you at birth. You FOUND the holy grail, now you have a whole lot more to look forward to with this everlasting life without the need to squander the earth for love. So what will YOU do with eternity.

But I am off topic. What is it that causes that feeling in our stomach when we have an interaction with someone that feels right? What makes us pace back and forth, whether we admit it or not, or whether our life is busy enough to let it be more than a thought here or there? I think we all get it. I think we also have a tendency to try to make it go away so we don’t seem desperate or anxious. We all want to be “Cool”. But isn’t it cool to know that someone else is intriguing to you and you them. Shouldn’t we share those moments?

It reminds me of how I meet people I have dated or how I ask someone to the next step of a relationship. It has always been something very memorable. Not because I MUST have it as a special moment but because I am inspired to think about the time ahead of us as important and want to be able to perhaps one day look back on it and remember. A Polaroid in time. Something you flip through a scrap book when you are older and just you know the feeling it held for you. I don’t want to tell my kids, me and mommy met at a bar, and I was doing jello shots off her curves… I want it to be special to me and her. So I listen, I absorb, and trust me, we all have something that means something to us, as menial as it may be that makes for that perfect moment.

It is like the idea of digital cameras these days. They are so easily accessible that we often carry them and do not use them. Back in the days of my parents, to take a video it was a big ToDo, lights, microphones, heavy equipment and expensive film. So when Grandpa or dad busted out the camera as much as you may object you did it anyway because it was special.

And god those videos have emotion and raw truth to them. Because no one said, PUT THAT AWAY, or if they did it was shrugged off as funny.

I want to find someone in my life that agrees with the idea that a camera should be passed from hand to hand snapping times of life together. Not just a way to grab a point smile click shot, but a mini photo shoot in the middle of the street on the way to work. Where both people on each end of the camera can look back later and see who THEY were.

I want to be able to riffle through a box of old Polaroids with someone and show my kids how old I really am 🙂

And I am off topic again.

I enjoy those moments when I sit antsy waiting for the next encounter where I can talk to someone that made an impression. I don’t expect anything more than a conversation. I guess I want to say I break the mold of “OMG I need to be with you, that is why I have butterflies until our next talk”. I just want to be able to share with someone who seems to be able to understand my musings and theirs inspire mine to keep going.

It seems to me that showing interest in someone or admitting to the feeling of butterflies defies your true intentions. It is as if you just gave the person an arrow for the bow they had strung. And dagnammit(yes I said that) they are gonna fire quickly. Why would they fire? Because you have just given them the advantage. They now control the situation because either they can agree they enjoy the time with you and even the playing field or shoot it as fast as possible to quell all odds of the dice roll when meeting someone. Just because I am interested in someone doesn’t mean we are good for each other. I base that first feeling on just that a feeling, an impression, an aura of their person. That doesn’t mean I know ANYTHING about them. But it does mean I want to find out. I want to be able to have that open conversation over and over where each time when we stop talking I feel more nervous stomach feelings, because it is working out. To get to the point where I would pursue someone, I need to at least have them open up and spend time with me and I with them. All I can say in the beginning is, wow you make me feel good. And that is good enough for me. But why should I hide it in a cat and mouse game? I won’t and I will dig my grave with many people this way, but I will not give up on the idea that eventually someone will be interested in kissing at the beginning of a date just to see if that chemistry is there instead of spending too much time of a small life guessing. At the same time there needs to be a balance rope of those moments and where you wait for the phone to ring.

I loved what my stepmother once said, where when I find the person I am meant to be with, it will be explosive, because after all this thought and all these ideas, if the other person has had half these thoughts too, the conversation should be freakin’ fireworks.

We do not need to assume everything about a person’s intentions if we are just living to share. There is no reason to be afraid of a conversation, because it may lead to happiness and if it doesn’t work out the way of “love” then we had a great conversation and that conversation helped to build us as people.

We are all so important to one another. The people we come across, the music we listen to, the moments we have, they are forever. As much as we may push forward to further careers, or to just enhance our daily lives with shit not boring, at the end of the day, the people around us are the real important part. They are what help us to be who we are, because we have something else to base our existence on. A movie I just watched said “The bravest people are those who are not afraid to stay still”.

This is a new idea to me. I am one of those people who wishes for the simpler life but knows I would need something to give me that monumental feeling of completeness in my mind to be able to stop pushing forward to enjoy that kind of life.

To go out into the woods and camp out on the hood of a car or sit in the sweltering heat with a person that makes me feel good that the sweat and the bugs are not a bother but a feeling. Side by side, staring blankly upward, but there together. No topic too small or big. I guess to find someone that understands when to be silent and when to chat nonstop would be nice. When to just BE in the moment and when to search for it.

I often reference Alabama type shit for those “moments” because I find they are the most relatable through pop culture or movies but I am a city boy at heart and I find the romance in a city to be truly amazing. The sidewalks, the graffiti, the random tree here or there, the parks, the busy streets filled with people, the food at 4 am. These all are places I picture adventures as well.

How I will find it, life still hasn’t told me. So it should be a fun ride.

Oh and the next person to say “FML”, I’m going to send you anthrax.

(FACEBOOK COMMENTS)

Jennifer Owings

Jennifer Owings

Its nice to hear you voice the vulnerabilities that I often feel in a new relationship. I think I often try to convince myself that men are selfish creatures and have no empathy for the things that “women go through” at the start of something new. Thanks for reminding me that it can be just as difficult for the other person : ).
June 21, 2009 at 10:08pm ·
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

The older you get, the harder it is to find someone who is willing to be uninhibited by their feelings… because with age comes more opportunities to be hurt, and thusly more fear of new relationships of “potential pain.”

[I had a long blurb here that I decided to delete on my thoughts. lol]

And, bro, you know I can hook you up with some spores! Benefit of living with someone in the microbial industry… haha

June 21, 2009 at 10:17pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

I think additionally and I can’t find a place for it so I will write it here, it is like drinking on a holiday till your face falls off or HAVING to have the perfect birthday experience. We put so much pressure or high needs for these days that are marked as special. And if we don’t end up puking or upset the next day we feel like it has been … See MoreFOREVER since we felt this way. What is wrong with the idea of, hey I wanna plaster my brain against a wall and hold onto a toilet tonight and JUST DOING IT that night, no need for a “Holiday”. Or why instead of planning the world for a birthday, you plan to relax and have those around you that are important. And play it by ear. Somehow this applies, setting the bar yadda yadda to what i just wrote… but like I said… dunno where so here is the comment.
June 21, 2009 at 10:20pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

“The older you get, the harder it is to find someone who is willing to be uninhibited by their feelings… because with age comes more opportunities to be hurt, and thusly more fear of new relationships of “potential pain.” And with the best intentions of the word, FUCK THAT. I am not saying don’t go with feelings, it is the idea of HURT… I mean… See More come on… life is too short to be HURT because Jimmy on the playground didn’t like you. Joey right next to him thought you were hot too. He just saw Jimmy get to ya first and so are you gonna let Jimmy through his asshole-ness ruin your chances with Joey. Hell no! I mean if I said, you can have a million dollars but only if you run up that hill in 3 minutes. WOULD YOU NOT RUN YOUR ASS OFF?!? Why should this differ in relationships. You could SPRAIN your ankle or not make it in 3 minutes which is pain on all levels, but you would be damned if you didn’t try. So for something so “SOUGHT after” as “Love” why wouldn’t you give it the same effor
June 21, 2009 at 10:24pm ·
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

Sometimes, people are just broken… I think it’s beneficial to meet someone as a new friend first, rather than as a potential partner. It removes the expectations of behaving in a “relationshippy” way– whether we like it or not, we are all programmed to behave in certain roles. Meeting someone with the intention to date automatically puts us … See Moreinto our “best face” zone.

If you want to find a “real” girl who is just herself all the time with you, meet someone to be your close comrade first… and then, once you know her inside and outside (figuratively, of course), it’s the right time to take it to a romantic level.

There is an ideal way of how things *should* be, and then human nature comes in and throws a curve ball… lol

June 21, 2009 at 10:29pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Whilst (yup said whilst, btw that’s my new thing poiting out weird words I say) I agree friendship is super important I think you just summed up part of what I am talking about with the idea that there is a “WAY” for these things to play out. I treat you the same way I treat my mother, the same way I treat my friends etc etc. Whilst (hehe) there … See Moreare things that differ a little there is a core there that never changes. If you got me at the right moment I would tell you just as much as I would tell me dad who I have known my whole life. We never know how it will happen for that “special moment” where it all just plays out. The healthy thing is to try to just go with gut feelings at first and then quickly after dig deeper me thinks. I could be wrong 🙂
June 21, 2009 at 10:39pm ·
Alexander Brazie

Alexander Brazie

This was an awesome discussion. Could use a great deal more vodka, though. Who’s down!?
June 21, 2009 at 11:01pm ·
Gina Pope Moore

Gina Pope Moore

Oy vey, haven’t thought seriously about this topic in years. Only partially tongue in cheek I’ll say (with authority since I am 46) that the pool of compatible mates becomes smaller as you age, thus increasing the difficulty of finding one. And yes, sometimes people are just broken. Then there are so many others who, for lack of a better term, … See Moreexhibit a strong prey drive, people who truly relish the game of cat and mouse you mentioned. I’d guess by varying degrees this is the norm, since we are animals and that’s how your basic animal is wired. However, there’s still a healthy percentage of people out there who are capable of being vulnerable and real, people who aren’t like hermit crabs moving into bigger and bigger castles with walls around them. And trite but true, sooner or later, they usually find each other.
June 22, 2009 at 3:12am ·
Gina Pope Moore

Gina Pope Moore

Jeez, that paragraph doesn’t hardly touch what I’d intended to say. So here goes just a little more: those folks who are busy wall builders, I would say that some of them can adapt and learn to be less guarded. I’ve seen it happen with several friends, and to an extent, to myself.

Also seems that time/age condenses what’s important to a … See Moreperson, so as you age, the things that matter to you most will take center stage, such things as a relationship which involves integrity and trust, compatibility, no cat and mouse crap. That famous Velveteen Rabbit quote just came to mind.

Also, I’m going to hang on to that movie quote.

June 22, 2009 at 3:29am ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

I think in many regards we get broken in different ways from past relationships gone wrong. We often are looking out for those things that pissed us off about other relations and when the new person does the opposite we notice it in more light than it should be. And those broken parts often make other features in people bigger and grander than they… See More should be. Making you miss the other parts that don’t work lending itself to you getting broken again.

So I suppose it takes the right tool to fix it all and be able to put all the nuts and bolts back in tightly so you can be yourself again. And that is the hard part.

June 22, 2009 at 10:31am ·

I am starting to believe or like more and more the idea of predetermined fate…

I think that predetermined fate, or moments that are in your life that feel as though you did a certain series of moves to get to, and they just magically fit a certain way is a bit true. The idea that your choices combines with the choices others made that day, all on the same time lines, will eventually collide.

However, I feel as though these moments and these rumbling feelings in your stomach and mind when it all just fits, are made by the more you interact with the world around you. They cannot just happen, and as much as predetermined is nice to think about, I think we also need to learn how to “bend time” to guide our time lines to those who will make us happiest. The hardest of all traits to learn one would have to believe, because everyday your mind resets, and every day you are tired upon waking, and everyday there is something to distract you from perhaps pushing where you needed to push.

To sit back and just BE, is one thing, but to push into the world beyond all defenses, perhaps mine would be, the internet. The idea that talking just over a block of text scares me. The idea that I feel that the FIRST date or one sit down to coffee, or one phone call, solidify-s to the person I am talking to who I am and if they wish to continue to talk to me, instead of leaving it up to the fate of a misinterpretation remark in writing, where you fingers must flutter faster than your thoughts to make amends but you only end up fighting your own thoughts, garbling your ideas, and finally throwing in the towel and being an ass. Perhaps this is where my push begins and I start to have more life lines cross my own and I too can feel the breathtaking feeling of fate. Of predetermined non objective movements all placing the pieces down on th table to form as the bus I will just miss on the way to work, when I cross the street.

Or perhaps I will need to miss the bus a few times before I get it right, and feel the angst of being late for work.

Let’s just hope the bus doesn’t hit me 😛

Watch the movie The Go-Getter to see a very happy version of this idea.

(FACEBOOK COMMENTS)

Holly Taylor

Holly Taylor

What about the movie “Sliding Doors”?
June 1, 2009 at 5:02am ·
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

Well, you seem to have inadvertently segregated this note into two separate thoughts. (Interesting, since I was planning on posting a similar note myself this week.)

1. I do believe that a pre-determined Fate of sorts exists. It’s easy to get restless in life when you distract yourself from what you know instinctively that you *should* be doing… See More… Like, you’re not pushing yourself in the direction you inherently know your life is supposed to go. There’s a cute little quip where someone says, “God, I know I’m supposed to win the lottery! Help me win it!” To which God replies, “Sure, I”ll help you, but purchase the damn lottery ticket first!”

Of course, it’s not actually talking about religion, but rather how we do have to help ourselves along our pre-determined Fate. This goes with yesterday’s note about life experiences… We gain experiences along the way to Fate that help us reach the ultimate goal. If we refuse to learn… or keep distracting ourselves… we end up “not

June 2, 2009 at 12:18am ·
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

pushing where you needed to push.”

2. Is it possible that a block of text is able to help us know people in ways that we couldn’t know someone in person? You know I’m full of closets of secrets (hehe), and very few people who know me in person realize this… but, for me, I can better define myself in a block of text to a stranger than when first meeting someone in person. I think we all want to share our vulnerable side… and text boxes make it less frightening. If I could recount the reactions I’ve gotten from people when I’ve disclosed my little closet of secrets to someone in person before online… *sigh*

That text box enables you to know a person more thoroughly than by just seeing someone’s prim and proper side in person…. See More

With that said, however, there does have to be a balance of interpersonal interaction… You can like the deep thoughts of a person’s mind, but totally not relate to the facade with which they present themselves to the world.

June 2, 2009 at 12:24am ·
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

… and I’d really hate to see what type of note would come of you watching the documentary “A Walk to Beautifull.” 😛
June 2, 2009 at 12:24am ·
Gene Pope

Gene Pope

ummm…. urp… excuse me I was eating a sanwich… was u saying anything/??
June 3, 2009 at 7:52pm ·
Jennifer Waite

Jennifer Waite

I think I believe in Fate…except when I don’t ;P It’s hard to know for sure, but I definitely believe in the impact we all have on our collective world and lives, even when we don’t realize it….very interesting 🙂 And I enjoy your ‘blocks of text’…they give me a glimpse of your thoughts, somewhat unfiltered and spontaneous. Unless you’re … See Moresitting there editing it three times before you submit it, but hopefully not. It’s cathartic and social to get your thoughts and points of view heard by others… Who cares if you occasionally think you sound like an ass….every now and then you may also see brilliance.
June 3, 2009 at 11:29pm ·

The 2-5 year gap. CONFIRMED

See I love technology

TO A POINT

Then I get frustrated with it and miss the interaction

You know, the “tangible” beyond a keyboard interaction where the sound of the persons voice acts as the playlist of music playing on my itunes.

Explanation of title:
I am 25. anyone 23 and younger and as pointed out to me from a new buddy, usually a 5 year gap of time for more frequency, was born into the generation where AIM and TXTS made more sense. And even though the gap is soo little, we fight each other hard when we meet, and clash hard when it comes to ideas of interaction. I always get yelled at by people for saying, YOU ARE NOT THAT MUCH OLDER, but god that 2 – 5 year gap, feels like forever when it comes to this stuff.

I feel like my Dad probably felt when playing video games vs me, where I was the natural and he used to be but now had to learn it differently because his brain had required itself for the umpteenth time due to life.

I love it, bring on tomorrow!

I remember when a cell phone was amazing because of it’s main function, THE PHONE.

The Random Musings of My Last Few Weeks, in no particular order…

I feel like today’s technology is allowing our self conscious self to prevail. It allows us to hide in a world of news bites, fast txts, and never really stray from the people who bump into us in life that are not in front of us. You would think technology would open you up to the world, but in turn it just closes us down into a smaller path and region.

I had recently signed up for a dating site and there was a character limit of 1000. You would think, MORE than enough to answer a question, but for me I saw it as if a teacher just told me I had to write a paper that was 100 words and it seemed impossible, but obviously I saw it impossible in the opposite idea that 1000 was too little.

I guess when someone asks you a question like how did you get your job, you should have a formulaic way to say it. But the mystery of my thought is I never really say the same thing twice. I always respected comedians because they can go up and spout jokes without interaction. For me I would need to walk into a room, talk to the people for a little, then get on stage and have an open comedic routine where there was interaction to even make it past 5 minutes.

I rant, I joke, and I am sarcastic but I need the inspiration behind it to really feel passionate about it.

People often question my intentions when I write, or why I do it. I have yet to be able to answer this one, but I do know it helps me, not them, to remember what I was thinking at a certain time. Maybe little cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

I will write into my writing moments where it is not cryptic and I want the reader to get it but I go in and out of foreign language often. Perhaps it is easy to understand the words, but only I get the colored painting of it.

Everyone of my last relationships has ended because “love” was enough for them. “Love” is the beginning of opening up the rest of your life. It lifts the weight of trying to find the unattainable life goal so you can do other things magical with the love, the person you have found, and your life in general. It is not the end. I mean if you became rich you wouldn’t think of it as the end you would think of it as the beginning of a lot of new cool shit.

But how does one expect to love if they shrug off someone’s explanation of their day as a daily routine and never interact. You cannot JUST BE and FEEL, because eventually there is nothing to FEEL or BE.

Why can’t people adapt the European culture for its good parts and be able to actually BE with someone, to actually INTERACT, not shit useless info at each other hoping it sticks, but not caring if it doesn’t. I mean even the personal space boundaries there are different than here. Someone will sit right next to you past your personal space buffer and listen to you speak and speak within that bubble as well. And no one thinks twice. Relationships have more room to grow when you take down the amount of room you need to be comfortable. It is natural to want all the answers and know about another person. But we hold a grudge if someone tries too soon. Why must there be a time limit on it.

Where there is love there is risk, and where there is risk there is selflessness, and where there is selflessness there is wisdom. I was told that I would eventually turn sour if I kept giving everything I had to people who were not right for me. Sure it may wear on me, but goddammmit I refuse to believe I have to be different in order to keep my self preservation alive, which is already in place, just in a different place than some people around me.

To me that is the most important thing to find in a significant other. Someone who understands the risks of telling all, yet they do it anyway, because risk can kiss their ass.

I believe knowing someone’s strengths is an insight to their weakness, and while we only have our own experiences to help guide people past them, we cannot expect what worked with us to work on anyone else. It is important to adapt your own experiences into guidance, otherwise you become the father and I become the rebelling child, wondering why you are so damn oldschool.

I remember when phones were cool because they were PHONES, not txt boxes to hide behind the idea of busy. When in reality if we want it, we make time. But instead, we put as little effort forward as possible and just take what comes to us and call it being patient.

But we all know we only give time for those things important to us. And in the end, BUSY only means what we want it to mean. Sure there is REAL busy, but there are ways to overcome it to still give some of yourself. I guess we can only hope that it is reciprocated as much, because sometimes it takes everything we have to give it.

I heard this the other day: “people suck, guys are pigs, girls are objects,” Why is it that when someone puts themselves out there and it doesn’t work, they then think.. hmmm let me post things that obviously are ridiculous statement because I am hurt… Why not just go in with the idea that hey this could work, and when it doesn’t you go hmmm, it didn’t work.. then BAM move to the next candidate. We hold too much of a grudge against ourselves for relationships. It is soooo important to give it your all every time. Would you NOT give it your all to become famous if you had the chance, or to win a million dollars? Why should love be any different? We wouldn’t say it is stupid to be rich if we didn’t get rich… We wouldn’t say it is stupid to be famous if we didn’t get famous… Break our own shells of self consciousness and enjoy the shit the world throws at us.

Then we have the idea that guys are making girls stupid:
Guys feed into girls being slutty bitches
and so girls go
“ooo guys like this”
and then guys goo
“oo girls like when im an asshole”
and then girls go
“wait I don’t like assholes”
then guys go
“wtf you said you wanted an asshole”
and then girl continues to be a slut but leaves guy a and so guy a looks for girl b to be an asshole to
until the cycle repeats
thus dumbing down the population

Then I have noticed, the people who seem to know themselves soo well, through self exploration and development, who tell you immediately, WHO THEY ARE, usually are the furthest thing from that in reality. Is it because it is so easy to be this bit of information on the internet we assume we are what we are blogged as? So we forget in reality perhaps we need want and are something different.

I am not happy with this one but am posting it anyway because I am “enter” happy.

P.S. I love singing to myself in the shower. The echo keeps me calm… I dunno it is my thing… Oh and I love baths.

Will I experience that life? Will I be able to close the riveting book of my own love?

I have always dreamed of different lives. I often wonder which ones I will experience in my time. And perhaps if the world is a constant thing, where your energy is re-used later on even after death, will I experience it at a later date or have I already experienced hence my yearn to feel those lives. This is not to say, my life is boring or I am not enjoying it, it is just the idea that other aspects of all sorts of ways of passing time in life intrigue me. From the simplest to the most complex.

My first dream is to live a life of simple needs. A life where money isn’t more than a way to buy groceries and gas. A life where your relationships and the people around you move you from day to day. Where you live a mile from your mother until she leaves you, you by her side. A place where you find love in love itself. Where the person you are with is just with you and you with them. Because there is nothing else but love and living. Where you wake up early because you can, and you don’t feel time other than when you are called to dinner. Perhaps this is on a farm with nothing but your crops, or perhaps it is the life of an artist just making ends meat in New Orleans, never making it to Hollywood, but going to local jazz clubs and coffee shops, just having what you and your friends say to live by. Sitting and talking, quitting job after job, putting on the name tag, until you leave to go home to your small one room flat to lay in the heat with the one you love. Wearing tattered hand me downs, sipping homemade lemonade to fight off the humid heat. Just think of what New Orleans means to you, or Oklahoma. The basic meaning of these words. This is what I mean.

Perhaps an alteration of that is living the life of someone trying so hard to become what you want to, but stopping yourself because you are so used to this life. Where you push soo hard to become something and the person you are with leaves you when they see you are wasting life away on comforts. Yet in the end, you realize, it wasn’t each others dreams you loved, but the situations this caused, and you find each other for the rest of your lives. Selling cereal. (movie reference)

The second life is that where war overrides the daily cultures, social aspects, and meanings of life. Your course is preplanned and you fight toward a common goal. A place where you hold your best friends hand covered in blood, not thinking about the diseases that can be transmitted but about what you are going to tell his/her significant other. Not a place where you need to keep up with the latest technologies or when the next txt message will come in to tell you what to do that night, but you eat pre-heated food and the meaningless pleasure of a bath is like being a king. You smoke cigarettes without the fear of cancer because you can enjoy everything in life as it is handed to you. For all you know tomorrow will be your time. This looming idea of destruction and death makes you live life a way you never knew possible. Even in war though, would I be content just following orders or would I end up pushing to further my place in that hierarchy as well.

The third is a life of glamour. Living each day without a monetary care in the world, but the pressures of the “scene” on your shoulders constantly. Having the ability to be in the bleeding edge of life, because every door opens freely. Battling the fake and reals of life. Unable to leave your house without others wanting to see what you are doing, flashes blinding all moments in your life. But you must sacrifice being with your old friends and family. You must go where you are needed, not by those who brought you into the world, but the new family called your fans. But how do you balance this life and the life you miss. When can you say, I have done enough, I am content, when do you turn down the next script.
The fourth is that of comfort. Finding that thing you are good at, but not being able to push it to the limits or finding that break to be “popular”. Perhapsyou become the self loathing teacher of your passion, the one who never made it. Or perhaps a drone in a cubicle, doing your work at top notch because it all makes sense, and you are always ahead of the curve.

The fifth is the life where you forget yourself. And you live in this life because it brings you the comforts of money, relaxation, stress, and keeping up with the Benjamins next door. You go through the motions of life because your job allows you to.

Or perhaps the last would be just trying ever one of your passions out until you have exhausted all options not really being content or upset. But in a constant motion.

Ultimately, I would like to be able to find someone in my life, who can share these pieces of all lives together. Where you are able to live your dreams, but after you feel content you can settle down in love. You can have a mattress on the floor of an empty house. You can paint the walls together, playfully splashing it over your loved one, turning into a heated passionate moment on that mattress, the one piece of the house that won’t change. Growing together eventually raising a child to grow in your lives with you. I think most importantly is the idea of the photographer living with the model/makeup artist. The lives of those who love each other should feel like a flowing river. Mixing the dirt and sand from the coast, but always ending up in that river. Eventually leading into a circular lake, where the world now begins to fall behind and fills your bed of water without you having to put the efforts of say a first date. Like the idea of my Grandmother using the internet. When it finally got to her, she didn’t need to master it, but it was cool. Living with someone who you look forward to looking at their splashes of paint on the wall, or their work spread all over the bedroom. For me, the artistic approach to life. I want someone who loves the arts equally. All aspects. Better than me in some kinds and me them. This wouldn’t cause friction but pride for their abilities. I have always dreamed of someone who was good at the “Hollywood flat or Soho” feel of life, and it reflected their record player and style. Edgy but with the want and yearn for living life calmer than those who have to go and DO just to feel alive. The appreciation for the quick city as well as the class of the 50’s.

Being able to grow together like this, being able to live your passions and have that other person see you grow and you them, as you both make your lives what you want. Or perhaps you fail or she fails, but either way you have experienced and tried, and have each other to love, and have the painted walls, which your hands bled over as the groundwork for your lives forever.

I know this is not the most articulate piece of writing I have ever written, but I want to get the thoughts out. Just some raw ideas. Perhaps I will revisit this at a later date and pretty it up.

I wonder if one day I will meet that person with smooth pale skin, eyes as blue as 20 steps deeper than man can journey down into the sea. (This is just an example for those red heads out there that think I am creepy, the movie I just saw had someone in it that reminded me of this look which has always had a place in my heart.) I wonder if regardless of what stages in life we are at, if eventually we will meet in the middle. Like the life of Benjamin Button.(as contrived as that movie was, event eh notebook held more water) The man who lived his life from old to young, and met his soul mate when she was in the middle of her life, and for that moment, regardless of the direction both lives are going, that fleeting moment will be perfect, and it will line up. And from that point on, as she grows older and he gets younger, they are destined to live in each other’s lives, no matter what the circumstances. He will always be there for her and she will hold his hand as he forgets to walk. And those fleeting moments they will know they had love.

When that other person in my life passes away or I pass away, I want to know that I have loved, that she was my soulmate and I will never yearn for anything else. My friends will not push me out to meet someone else because they know I only needed that time with her. And now that part of my life, that chapter in my life, is complete. When I see a movie where someone has found true love and they are a young age when one dies, it is hard for me to fathom how they could ever have someone else. If you find perfection, how can you top an already impossible feat. Perfection does not exist, only times in peoples lives lining up.

So you are having a bad day and mine was great, we are on a different time line in life for the moment. My day flew by, yours at a crawl. I hope there will be strength enough to be able to sprint to catch up to each other, or perhaps take a moment to smell the day, and wait for the other. The place where people are in their lives is always scary, because when you live in such a fast paced world where you want to be a part of a big city or fast moving industry, it can be a matter of seconds to lose that chance to see what could have been.

I guess what I am trying to say is there is something intriguing about living like a gypsy, but not unless you have someone with you who you love already, because lets be honest, in real life, gypsies don’t have dental insurance and Hollywood makeup artists. 🙂

(btw if ur tagged it is because I enjoy your feedback, but don’t feel obligated.)

(also normal disclaimer: I just feel the need to get thoughts written out sometimes, most the time these are not MEANT for direct reading by other people, or with that intention, they are written for me to go back to later when I wonder why. I mean it is very true that we all see our stories and lives differently than someone not in our head to see the images that go with the words.)

(comments from facebook)

Mo Hoffman

Mo Hoffman

dude I like reading your essays, a lot of the stuff you write resonates with me as well, exceot you do find a way to put it into words.
May 18, 2009 at 1:44pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Wanna go on a date 🙂 Thanks man hehe
May 18, 2009 at 1:46pm ·
Rosemary Pope-Wallin

Rosemary Pope-Wallin

again, my romantic son…..so like his Mom.
May 18, 2009 at 1:57pm ·
Jun Falkenstein

Jun Falkenstein

You will find that person. It will happen. I didn’t think it would for me, ever. Then I turned 40, and met him, finally. And we both knew it. And so it will, for you, when the time is right. The hard part is the waiting.
May 18, 2009 at 2:33pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Yeah I was just discussing the fine balance of waiting, putting forth effort and not being lazy with relations. Ahh life is funny
May 18, 2009 at 2:36pm ·
Rosemary Pope-Wallin

Rosemary Pope-Wallin

You WILL find someone…..be patient…it is hard. But the way you find someone is when you are not looking for her. And she may not be blond and blue-eyed. Usually everything we think we are looking for changes when we find that someone!
May 18, 2009 at 5:16pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Who wants a specific type of person? Who even knows. It happens whether you like it or not, but to say it will JUST come is to say you will JUST be able to AFFORD food, by JUST sitting. Some effort can go a long way, but too much effort will get the guy next to you to kneecap ya and take yoru spot for the gold for the figure skating champion impressionistic lion king. THE CIRRCLLLE OF LIFFFEEE.
May 18, 2009 at 5:29pm ·
Jun Falkenstein

Jun Falkenstein

Well, there’s effort and then there’s EFFORT. Like being happy in your own self and being open to what the universe brings you, vs. desperately scouring the personal ads 😛
May 18, 2009 at 5:31pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

I find if you read too much into what I say, my writing can be my own fall. My writing is just a moment of thought, a breath if you may. Throughout the day you breath all the time, but sometimes you realize you are breathing and it feels weird. So I write about it. I am not in desperate need for a person in my life, I just enjoy the thought that backs up the idea of it. But thanks MOM lol. I have shared too much, I must now pretend you suck! EWWW MOM!!! *rebels*
May 18, 2009 at 5:32pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Yeah Jun, I agree and disagree. I agree in terms of creepy person. I disagree in that your statement is often taken too much word for word and that is what forms cat and mouse and forces someone to confuse passion for OMG you are creepy because you are showing me emotions in the beginning! I have to be reserved ahhhhhhhh!!!!! European culture seems… See More to reflect the idea of pursuit being ok. Because there is no shun on the idea of “Should I call today or 3 days from now” It is, I am interested, are you interested? Ok lets sit down for coffee, oo this feels nice, or yeah i think we should go separate ways.
May 18, 2009 at 5:36pm ·
Jun Falkenstein

Jun Falkenstein

I know you don’t know me all that well but trust me when I say I know what you are talking about.
May 18, 2009 at 5:37pm ·
Rosemary Pope-Wallin

Rosemary Pope-Wallin

Um….I think I am supposed to feel insulted right about now? What prompted a response like that, may I asK???
May 18, 2009 at 5:57pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Insulted? Now I am confused. I am not looking for a specific type is what i was saying, as you said “blond and blue-eyed”. I also have been discussing the idea of patience. So i was explaining… however you are the mom you should always feel insulted, it comes with the territory 🙂
May 18, 2009 at 5:59pm ·
Rosemary Pope-Wallin

Rosemary Pope-Wallin

♠well, when someone says “I must now pretend you suck. EWWW MOM”…it sounds sort of insulting to me. I KNEW what you were discussing in your thesis!
May 18, 2009 at 6:43pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Lost in txtlation.
May 18, 2009 at 6:51pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

plus I would say that is a healthy mother son relationship 😛
May 18, 2009 at 6:55pm ·
Holly Taylor

Holly Taylor

Jun Falkenstein’s 8:31pm post above rings very true. Working on the self, while being open to others and opportunity….very important.

In my head, living the dream.

I think the most important feature for someone to fall in love with is the other persons face. I don’t say this because of beauty, but because of the way her smile makes you smile, the way her eyes sparkle just for you. That special sparkle that lets you into, them, as a person. Or even as simple as the way their nose crinkles or the lines in their jaw.

In a world where love is defined as a multitude of cultural differences, choices in life, eating habits, and stress levels, the face never changes. The face never lies.

In 100 years if you can picture staring at that person next to you and seeing their beauty through your eyes, you have found love.

Of course, the challenge is finding that beauty you need with a person you are compatible with. But life will change us every day. I am not the same person I was when I was young, nor am I the same person I was yesterday, and while some may consider a marriage in which every ten years you re-evaluate if you fit, I see a mixture.

Someone’s appearance isn’t everything. You can gain and lose weight as quickly as the blink of an eye. Your can cut or grow your hair. Your style fits you when you need it. However, there is an essence in the face, that shows the way a person is. You can see the core of someone’s morals through their face. I have recently draw upon the idea that some of the most successful relationships I have ever seen were when the couple had similar physical traits, mostly in their faces or expressions.

It is kind of like an owner and their dog, just not in a weird beastial way 😛

Perhaps it is the idea that behind all of our self doubt and self consciousness, we are beautiful to ourselves. If we didn’t have some semblance of this, doubts and all, I don’t think we would make it from day to day. So perhaps in a very basic sort of way, we see that one thing we have no control over; the beauty in ourselves through our own eyes and we find that in our perfect match. And perhaps that same thing that controls that part of our subconscious is a part of what makes our minds run the way they do and hard codes us with the choices we will make, and the paths we decide to travel. If we go after those who grab us not for the makeup and eyeliner, but the pure, simplistic, animalistic, unabated beauty, we may find love for the rest of our lives.

It is hard to say beauty is within, when our first impressions are usually without. So why not go with that first gut reaction, because if you make sacrifices to your own feelings, you may end up in love with the idea of love itself and not the person next to you.

Who knows, maybe the simple way you can stare into their eyes, is actually a mental pheromone which shows you a similar path you are both going to journey down, a compatibility unseen until you jump in. That simple sparkle may act as a light to guide the way, for both of you.

This feels like a movie… Perhaps I shouldn’t want it to.

To be in the relationship where you can compare it to a movie, I know I have felt it, experienced it.  But to reflect on the basics of a movie, you would assume perhaps this is not the “perfect” relationship at all. Perhaps if your relationship reminds you of a movie it is because you remember it like a movie, only savoring the exact edits. You pass the in between time with cuts. A slideshow of a period of time, pictures a day, with the proper filters on them to give them the film feel. Somehow even though the normal everyday life may be normal and not out of the ordinary, with the right color correction and depth of field you miss the world around anything that may seem perfect.  Instead of the feeling of bliss when your relationship turns into a movie, moment after moment, it should be a warning that you are only watching the highlights of a complete picture. I mean that is what a movie is comprised of, the perfect moments, good and bad, dramatized for the passing of time, or the emotion needed for portrayal of character.

A movie is easy to critique or judge, but ever decision every day, takes an open mind. One that can look past the personal opinions buried inside yourself. Yet at the same time it becomes a balance of your own opinion mixed with feelings depending on the sleep you had, what you ate, and that of the people around you. Life itself can often fall into a script like approach, revision after revision. The apprehension to improv alone stands in your way.

So perhaps it is a mastery only befitting of a surrounding in which there are no movies or editing techniques to compare to. A world based on the truth around you, not the truth you use to karmic-ly get through the day.  A place where your own perfection cannot exist because the only perfect is the days you spend living. Even this, as I write is influenced by the perceptions put forth around me, prideful or filled with humility.

So tonight I look forward thinking back upon the old relationships and moments in time I had where I thought things felt like a movie and realize, I probably don’t want a movie. If I only have fragments of time with years skipped in between due to the time constraints of an audience, I myself am not giving life itself enough care. My mind will then be unable to mature and reflect as well as see my steps I take ever breath of the day.

I cannot skip chapters in my life, because there is no rewind, but there is definitely a fade to black.

A metaphor that perfectly sums up how I think.

I stress this: HYPOTHETICAL Situation:

“Meeting a pretty girl”

One thought (you would think this would be multiple, I’ll get to that later) that is pretty common place for me, would be marriage, if my family would like hers, if she is playing hard to get, if so.. should I ask her to be open to the idea of a more European approach and just tell me what’s on her mind about me… Would she then be put off by that because it forces her to think of a place that wasn’t NOW and is more planned. I have an idea that people are on different timelines of life and sometimes because of that, you miss your opportunity to be that person they are interested in because your day felt longer than theirs. I feel that sometimes it is more safe to put in all your effort into a person even if you are not quite sure without saying anything because you never know what may trigger the “moment”. However I get tired of it. I give a lot of myself for people close and important to me, and like school I didn’t like to give my all unless I was invested. So I think it should be ok to ask for that simple, “Yes I would like to see where this goes” as the collateral for that investment. I don’t invest my LOVE so to say in all of the above. I am very interested in seeing the person for them and what they are and how we are together before I would even think of those thoughts more than a passing metaphor.(see below) But even though they seem like common thoughts, they are given too much water and often sink the boat.

To get to the idea of all those thoughts being one:

The metaphor for this would be simple. It isn’t a novel I’m thinking it is like a gentle breeze or a bee flying by your ear. BUZZZZ, freak out, then poof gone.

However everyone around you, because they didn’t see the bee, is thinking you are nuts and freaking out.

It is hard to explain that such thoughts can fly through the mind so quickly and they are not NEEDS, WANTS, they are just inquisitive ideas. Many guys will not admit they think of things that have to do with the future with girls right off the bat, but with our culture and society the way it is today you would think that would be the first thing on everyone’s mind. Being a simplistic creature with a complex environment. The need for a mate and then the need for all the socially acceptable balances to that, probably get thought of more than we think.

What gets me is when it is talked about, the person who talked first has to wait in anticipation to see if that person takes their questions as ultimatums or just as they are, open air conversation that people seem to be squeamish about. I am not saying I want to plan a romantic night or a spontaneous moment, I am saying it is nice to have that feeling that the other side, is reciprocating on the same level as you with what you are thinking or at least is open to the idea.

So I suppose I just open more questions with this, but I often hope someday someone will accept the urges to talk rather than living too much in the mysterious moment that, quite frankly makes for good moments, but not good lasting memories. I would prefer my stories be those of generations and not of, “oh man you remember when we” coffee conversation.

I wonder perhaps it comes with age. Or perhaps it is a specific trait I look for and should not expect it in all places and hold it high on the MY NEEDS list.

I had to share this – “Hands”

Someone close to me wrote this the other day, and I just love it, wanted to share it.

Something stirring slowly inside a hollow place
Deeply blue and remarkably effervescent
Sparking right past all those carefully laid stepping stones
This is something passionate and powerful and free
It charms its way through disaster and skips gleefully into the unknown
Smiling all the way even
Nothing soft and sensitive about it
It’ll burn every set of fingerprints it comes across
Leaving the forbidden scent of burnt up carefulness
It throws all caution to the wind
Inhales every touch of his mouth, every twitch of his hands
This jumpy electric pulse tangles itself up in any logic there was to have
Fries it lifeless and plants solid gold Bravery instead
Bursting trees of pure Inhibition dig their roots deeply into place
Never wavering and only pausing to deposit new branches
New branches to overtake all Caution and Uncertainty and Silence
Bright screaming Blue shooting through my veins
Willing me forward, forward, forward
No turning away from it either
No fighting it back or beating it down
Like an avalanche of too tight rubber bands
All of them snapping and flying into sixty different directions
Every flare of energy gathering in the bottom of my rapidly accelerating pulse
Now my whole frame trembles with every counted beat
Accumulating, building, gathering
Brand new splashes of color rearing their heads with every stolen glance
I am nothing to stop it, too caught up in this heart attack of Revolution
Boldly squashing every last promise I ever made to never do this or that
This wondrous chaotic electronic free fall into what can only be best described as my own personal
Nirvana

“Relationships are best measured by Farting.”

“The stages of a relationship can be defined by farting.
Stage 1 is the conspiracy of silence. This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend that they have no bodily waste. This illusion is very quickly shattered by that first shy ‘ooh did you fart?’ followed by the sheepish admission of truth. This heralds a period of deeper intimacy, a period I like to call the “fart honeymoon”, where both parties find each other’s gas just the cutest thing in the world. But of course no honeymoon can last forever. And so we reach the critical fork in the fart. Either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarrass, thereby signifying true love or else, it begins to annoy and disgust, thereby symbolizing all that is blocked and rancid in the formly beloved.”

The feeling of butterflies in your stomach

It has been 2 years and 7 months since I have moved to California. I got in my car today as I went to leave a bit early from work and realized, even though I haven’t really had a moment to de-crunch my brain from the last few months of work I couldn’t think of another place I would want to be.

The difference between this and say college, about 3 years into college I was wondering why I was still there and kinda wanted to drop out, but I have this need to follow through and finish things I start. But the difference is definitely in the idea that this job grows and adapts with me (not how I wanted to word it but can’t figure out a better way to). It is always pushing me and it allows things to not be stagnant. Sometimes I feel a bit of overwhelming-ness from the idea that the technology and things in my job are a lot like in scrubs(which btw for some reason season 1 and 4 have had a lot of shit that related to my life lately) where in medicine you have to always keep up with it to work day to day, always learning something new. It is so important though to remember back to your roots or as I like to say “grass- roots” lol

This last week has consisted a lot of those moments when your stomach moves into your mouth as you open up or say things that may not be the easiest to talk about. It started with the ex girlfriend as I finally had to make the decision to not pursue a relationship anymore and we would have to just go down the path as friends from here on out. It was the first time I was able to talk face to face with her about issues like these and it was gut wrenching. All I wanted to do was to comfort her but I knew all I was doing was making it worse, not per-say with my being there but more of the fact that I wasn’t going to change my mind. I believe it was the best decision for both of us and thankfully we are still on good terms. But it is never easy. I do wonder how able I am personally to be friends immediately after something like this. I do wish however in those last moments with someone, that the person I am with, be it a relationship that is working or not, would not say “Then why did you show me this, or say this to me, or open up about…” I just wish there would be an understanding that, yes a relationship or the process of making one, means opening up, bringing someone else into your life. It may hurt if it doesn’t work, but I would rather take that hit then to think I didn’t give it all I had. I don’t know if it is just a moment of weakness or a generic response that has been engrained via our living cultures, making us say these types of things, even if under our breath or nonchalantly as a closing argument, or a jagged thought being thrown at you mid sentence. Then the question of “why” always comes up.

Sometimes the why is not an answer and it is just the hardcoded personalities of the people the involved, and a question that shouldn’t be asked nor answered. If one person is not happy regardless of the love the other one will show the two will never be happy together.

Movies often show the idea that two people need to work on a relationship or there are ups and downs. Of course there are, but it is that dying need to yell out and say something when something isn’t working that keeps those together. If one person doesn’t feel like standing up and yelling out, the likelihood is, the movie is just a commercial.

Two of my friends said two important things to me this week. One was, “If someone respects both themselves and the person in front of them they will probably leave rather than drawing out a heart wrenching moment, as long as that moment isn’t needed to further the development.”
I loved how that sounded but also know as much as that probably would have been a good approach with the above, at the same time this was sort of needed in a way. I can’t justify it completely yet, but relationships and emotions are some wacky things. When I was talking to my dad about a relationship my little sister was in, that I thought was not good for her and even she said it wasn’t. My dad listened to some of my experiences, to just let her experience them without too much interjection on his part. I mean once you break up with a guy or girl for the first time, especially in highschool you are going to get back together but it will never be the same from that point on and the chances of it working are probably much much lower, you will always remember why you broke up with that person but it will become muddled as time goes on, forcing you to get nitpicky and then you get confused and then you need to get out, or you will go insane, not because there isn’t emotion or love, but because it just doesn’t work, our instincts are amazing things when clearly infront of us. And amazingly enough a few weeks later he said: “Perhaps you should take some of your own advice” and click it made sense, had I thought of it already, yes, but I still couldn’t figure out how to make it work. It was just amusing to hear that. Anyway rant over…

The second thing was, “My ex got a book about self personalities etc to figure out why she went back to an old girlfriend that she wasn’t happy with” My response was, sometimes even with a book or help people will not always change or can’t, and then she said, “Yes but if a person wants to change for themselves the odds are much higher”. It just struck a nice chord with me. Self examination is healthy and while we may not be able to find the answers or read the books to get it all worked out, figuring out even just that on your own is important.

(all the above is very paraphrased if I quoted btw)

Time has a tendency to catch up with you. For me it was the fact that over two and a half years ago I moved from NYC/NJ with my family and my constant, almost unlivable panic attacks disappeared with it. Be it the move, the change of company, or just the idea that my brain was too busy with the new challenge put forth to really feel them anymore is up for grabs. But what I do know is that time has caught up to me again. I once again feel the benefits of my .25 mg of Klonopin actually working when I am on a crunch for 2 days straight, especially when my brain is too tired to battle the panic without me. Now this is for you people who don’t understand medication. This stuff doesn’t change who you are or make you weird it just allows you to get from day to day normally like you should. I will tell you I am the first person to tell a doctor to fuck off with medicine but when I started this shit I needed to function day to day and couldn’t without it. Now it is just one of those things that is hard to stop due to the medical addiction it causes. SO back off : )

So I may ask, so what if I have had a few panic attacks again, no biggy it is the stress and lack of sleep. But truthfully I have this feeling it is something more. I feel like things in my past are going to need to be addressed one day and I believe I only got away from it for a little bit when I moved. About this many years into college is when I really started to get panic attacks for the first time in my life, although looking back I have gotten them since I was young just not as pronounced. One may argue the one time I smoked pot with my friend back home, I rewired something chemically in my body that this started to happen, or one could argue that the freedom of college and living on my own allowed me time for me and with that came good and confusion leading to panic. It seems like a very giant coincidence that the same time as in college but now on my own in California that I would start to feel the same thing, but not as strong because now I know how to work with it.

My brain over the last few years has rewired itself so much. I almost didn’t believe it was possible. I used to think that experience and age had nothing to do with each other, but when you hit a certain age and things start to happen physically and mentally to you, you realize it is truer than ever. Age 20 I had a huge one and age 24 was another one and will be for a few more days.

It isn’t that you change terribly or things go down the wrong path, it is just life catching up to you. And facing life is definitely strange. I remember a teacher talking about soul searching with us and told us how some people do it for a lifetime. I think the soul searching he is talking about has a lot to do with these changes. They force you to see things in your life you may otherwise not have been aware of.

Things at work are really good right now. But there were still certain loose ends. That is where butterflies number 2 came from. I have had these moments where everything is good and BAM I get the stomach feeling and regardless of the conversation with the person, I HAVE to say what is on my mind. The second one didn’t go as I had planned and the words in my head got very garbled when they finally came to fruition. I hope it didn’t make anything worse but I don’t think it did. I just wish I could have said things more in line with the way I felt them rather than a stumbled approach. I wish there was some sort of acknowledgement that I helped them with certain things in their life when they were down. At some point that was forgotten and my own abilities and creativity got lost or ignored. I wish I could say that sometimes I am scared of the conversations they have with other people in my life because I feel like I will get bullied for a misconception. Other than that though I think things are heading in a good direction and the future is bright there. It just sucks for me when I have to think of these things and not want to say anything when that is how I deal with shit. Although I do know sitting back is going to be the good thing to do in this case. I think things are getting better but I also think there will be bumps along the way. But my best approach right now is to not offend when they can be easily offended and just let it be. Although knowing me I will not. However I have to figure out when I do object to my own idea here, that I do not sabotage something so important to me.

We talked again, haha told you I wouldn’t wait lol, and I think it was much better this time. We are headed in a good direction it was really cool to talk about a color concept of an idea we are working toward. As well we chatted about all in the above including way past things. It seems that would be butterflies number 4 but this time there were no butterflies. It was just easy to do and went really well. While other things came up that might bothered me a little I think I can blame it on the mind of a kid not being able to hold back and once it realized the food was worse with ketchup it just ate without it.

Back when I was a child there are some things that may still be haunting me and while I don’t dwell on the past, sometimes when it comes up, it is good to climb the stairs to see what is up there, and hey if you don’t make it all the way up, try again when you need to. It scares me that sometimes I can feel like my mother did in this one memory I have of a good ole childhood whoopin’. While yes this is probably not a scar for life I sometimes wonder when I have felt that loss of control to the point of tears and screaming why this is happening and why even though it is wrong it feels exhilarating. So my past is somewhere I have to dive into now, part of the stairway I have to climb again to fully let things move on or be at ease for the time at hand. And that is where butterfly 3 came from. I talked to my mom and she finally admitted to certain times when she did lose control and was sorry for certain mistakes. It was the most amazing thing that almost brought me to tears, but it is so strange how I will be talking about something completely different and moments later I have butterflies like I would get if walking up to a complete stranger and asking them on a date, but unlike the date I have to speak my mind and can’t back out. But it was amazing to finally hear her tell me the truth. I had tried to approach this once before and it was a crash and burn nightmare. Nothing was talked about, lots of crying and screaming, and no one would tell the truth. This was calm and composed and really felt right for the time. And it was definitely an eye opener to think yes there may be some bad shit due to the divorce on that side but man there is two sides and my anger toward my dad in that situation was pretty intense. I remember screaming and trying not to go with him when before the divorce he was my hero. So there is a double edged sword there.

Now something important here is that my family is the world to me and these are just moments in time, since I am posting this publically I think that should be pointed out. Shit could have turned out MUCH WORSE. And shit even this ain’t bad : P

It is just weird that I never really looked at it that way until now, that both sides really hurt me and there was a lot of anger and rage to both.

It was nice to chat with my dad this week as well and he told me of some of the ways he sabotaged some places he worked back in the day, and I definitely need that reminder here and there so I can try to be very aware of that so not to do the same. The whole expression “hitting a wall” used to have a lot of meaning to me cause I would do it a lot or he would at least say I would, so regardless of the truth of the matter or if it is just one of those parental irks, I keep an eye out so not to do it. He also talked about how when I moved out of my mom’s when I was younger to live with him it was like living with his own dad and since his dad had died he never had to learn how to deal with his dad but through me he learned. It was quite interested, a little creepy but interesting non the less.

I told my sister a moment of weakness of mine and that was butterfly 1.5 (earlier on) and she takes the approach that I should probably talk to someone again and life is just catching up with me. I have no problem with this but finding that right person to talk to is tough. I met one therapist once who said to me, your past is your past let’s talk about today and if the past comes up we deal with it then. That was awesome. But then I left for California. So I am trying to contact her again to tell her, the past has come up again. My sister also believes perhaps hypnotism, but there are two things here: I am not sure I can be hypnotized, and secondly I am not sure I am ready for any surge of bad shit although after talking to so many people this week I feel like the bad may not be as big as I thought. Well I guess there is a third thing that scares me about that, I don’t want a doctor to implant some fucked up childhood bs into my head because he/she thinks they know the answer. It is amazing how many therapists I have met that are very bad judges of character.

I think the oddest thing of all is that my life is heading in a direction of change or clean up. I am quitting smoking again on Monday and luckily so is half the department and so that will make it a bit easier but I think the quitting for me isn’t as scary, it is what damage are left behind when I stop that scares me.

At the same time since Paris I have started to gain weight again due to not working out so I have to fix that too because when I quit I will gain weight as well. Although I did notice I am not gaining wight just losing definition. That is a positive to that.

A lot of the time it is better to tackle one thing at a time but I don’t believe my life will allow for one thing at a time. I think right now I need to work on a few things all at once and just take the hit for it. I think it will end up giving light much softer than a train at the end of the tunnel.

So what, am I fucked up? Nah I think I just like things to feel right in my life and while my childhood was probably better than a lot and I have loving parents who support me and a good groups of friends I still need to tackle the areas that are grey. I mean there is a whole chunk of memory gone from my childhood that no one can figure out as to why.

Speaking of good friends, that is another thing I am constantly working on. The ability to really take AND give in a friendship. There are soo many people I love to death but it feels more like an acquaintance. I have always had trouble finding time to give to friends or multiple people. I think a hello here and there isn’t always enough. I know those really close to me understand I drop off the face of the planet for years or months at a time and they will always be true friends but I do want to find that highschool like friendship again (not the empty superficial part) with people around me, someone to really go do stuff with or nothing at all. Although then again highschool vs working and living on your own, allows for much less time. Just another learning experience.

You may ask why write all of this on a public blog? Why not? If there is one thing I learned in Paris it is that I am always just going to speak my mind and infront of anyone I feel comfortable doing it with. And dammit I am pretty damn comfortable with pretty much anyone knowing stuff about me.

I think Shakespeare helps guide this as well for me. Often the truth is not something to be addressed but as the fool you can speak the truth in a jest to feel out how much you can get away with actually saying. I don’t just spout off things to people randomly, thought goes into it. It is really an amazing thing how much the mind can think at once before you put it to words or text. But when it comes to shit like this why not just say it. “Cooperate” often won’t allow you to speak everything but personal allows for it every time.

A strange little quirk I seem to have adapted is when I get weirded out or feel self conscious I tilt my head down into my neck. I think it may have to do with the weight issue and feeling a little self conscious about it, so regardless of the feeling and for what, that manifests itself into the physical display of feeling off. I also kinda feel myself falling back into the averting my eyes from people if I want to look which was less in Paris. I remember when a random guy said good evening to me when we met eyes in passing. Something about his words seemed more sincere than perhaps a “hey what’s up” like we often say to one another in passing here. I will be working on keeping that confidence just to be able to look do those things I would WANT to do in akward situations. I kept a lot of it when I got back and I will do my best not to fall back into the old way of it. I mean what should be so scary about starring back at a person if they are starring at you, or going up to someone if you need to ask them something or wonder where they got an article of clothing, etc. I mean ever caught eyes with a pretty girl and you both look away, now try that situation again and just look at her and then perhaps say hello, and hey here is an idea stop walking and see if she would like to chat : )

Overall things are good. I still need to find a way to release this last few months in preparation for the next project but I think I am working it out and those around me are accommodating of it. But I will probably not be able to get where I would want to be but that is ok, there is time later 😛 (famous last words)

I don’t argue for the sake of arguing I usually just want to flesh out every angle first. I often wish I could plug someone into my brain for a minute to let them know everything I am. The idea of writing a book one day intrigues me, and the more I think about it, the less I think I could dictate it and rather in my own mysterious way I would have to write my riddles one by one and give my approach to the entire thing in order for it to be true to me. Grammatical errors and all. < – – – see what I did there?

I swear even if the butterflies aren’t in the form of having to talk to someone I have been having them a lot even when just sitting by myself or sleeping, in the bath, or working. It probably has to do with not relaxing so well or having the mindshare to even do so, but then again I have always been pretty bad at relaxing, and I don’t smoke anymore so I have no excuse to randomly kill brain cells to force myself to chill out anymore lol. Anyway, haha, I think this is going to be a challenge ahead of me. But one step at a time with many different directions right now.

Cause it is my entry i can make another way i like this to be said:
(I swear even if the butterflies aren’t in the form of having to talk to someone I have been having them a lot even when just sitting by myself or sleeping, in the bath, or working. I think this is going to be a challenge ahead of me. But one step at a time with many different directions right now.)

There are some things in here that are a bit generalized etc but there still are some things I don’t feel comfortable just sharing with the whole world. Good or bad. And the reasons for it are my own. So if it doesn’t make sense there may be a reason.

This blog is difficult to post because it has been written over the course of the week. Almost like a way of de-toxing from the things around me, but there seems to be something new to add every day this week. So perhaps I shall call this blog: The feeling of butterflies in your stomach, up to August 17th. Because I am not going to add anything tomorrow because it is my Birthday and I want to just chillax with my friends and self. So HAA to you blog!

Found the quote from scrubs I paraphrased in here:

Dr Cox: Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.

Definately, Maybe

If you want to understand the meaning behind NYC love. Watch this movie.

From the flats to the streets to the situations, it really feels like one of the truest love stories I have seen in ahwile and it portrays NYC amazingly.

Is your life moving on the same timeline as mine?

I swear depending on where you are in life your life moves at different speeds. Ever have a dream and wake up instantly? Ever have a dream that lasted days?But in reality it was still the same time period in terms of a clock time. Now apply that same idea to a job or a year of life. How fast did your week feel? How long did the last few years feel? If I felt like my week sped by and you felt it crawl by does our perception of time actually change how we would see each other? If I said I will talk to you in a week and my week flew by but yours was drawn out, would you feel like I was ignoring you or as if you needed to find someone else to talk to when it felt as though all I thought about was you?

Just some food for thought.

Multi Task Me.

Reading a book is stimulating and it has things like structure and grammar etc. However a book seems like a comfort.

A book is something that has an ending, a preconceived idea. It has a direction and follows it, or intentionally breaks it for drama comedy or action.

A book caters to the idea of needing that closure or that happy ending regardless of happy or sad that say a movie does.

But a txt message or an email or a conversation… Those are the tough ones. They may not have the best grammar, or even a complete though, but looking and reading them and actually hearing them determine the next chapter.

Every phrase I say fits into this story I conceptualize when I wake up, when I sleep at night, etc.

Why is it so hard to see bigger than the sentence or lines or script I have made for myself day by day.

I just want you(meaning anyone) to read past the lines, I am not a dead poet but dammit a little analysis never hurt.

You can say write or act out a million things in a day, and it can all happen at once, analysis, your heart, feelings, future conversations, past thoughts. Please don’t try to read me like a book.

I will not fall into your structure nor will I fight against it for no reason. I will loose sight of things like anyone and humble when wrong. I can feel more from seeing your face or hearing your voice or reading a letter you wrote between lunches.

And that is just it, I will and want that feel.

My process to feel may be a bit different but it isn’t closed to the affects.

Multi task me.

A tale that writes with the days, a story that is not ending.

There was a time when writing my own tale seemed to be something of an impossibility. My story, my journeys, had only just begun. I myself did not know the words for the pages .

I am still that same wanderer, but I have traveled down many long roads. I have laughed among men. I have lain upon a lady’s breast. I have smelled the sweet aroma of spring, and time after time I have chased the setting sun to the West.

My story, if told, could not be written in any book. Books are for tales, morals and heroes. My life cannot be categorized. It has been a road of many turns. If you applied a simple method of storytelling to a life such as this, the plot would thicken until it devoured its own pages.
I once met a woman with truer words I’ve yet to hear.

“So your past haunts you, but here you stand with your life in front of you. I believe you should turn around and walk forward. If perchance you stumble upon the shadows of your life, stand with them. Wait until night, then move forward again. Live your life, Lupo.”

I could tell you about my childhood. I vaguely remember a boy who cried himself to sleep not knowing why. Ages later I recalled hands forced upon him, ripping the tears from his eyes. A boy forced to grow alone except for a few angels voices. There was a sibling that kept him safe though he remembers a different day and a different role. There was a far off family, but even though distance reminds him differently, they now seem closer than ever. It’s as if it was a dream, but that dream still haunts me and it impacts my decisions day to day.

It is cogent to talk about my changes and how I grew strong; how I held onto rebellion and traveled alone. But with all strengths comes a sense of despair. A newfound need for passion, for understanding. A need for exposition, for all of me to be explained and not hidden away beneath layers of hazy intrigue.

A truth will carry you far, but in a place where deceit becomes truth, one must choose their words wisely. I combine my stories with small bits of rhyme, it helps when writing to pass the time.
A man who stands and refuses to agree or has strong feelings and passions needs to understand the concept I now know. Humble one’s self.

My life has encountered so many different types of personalities, but with them came cookie cutters and molded people alike. Until the day I meet a person who’s flawed; a person with their own passions, desires, and needs. A person who sees beyond words and reads the stories of the world, able to apply them to his/her own tale, I shall continue to choose to follow my path alone.

I walk this world willingly. I look forward to large goals and achievements, but unlike the ranger who sifts through the sand and tastes each grain in attempt to plan his travels, I do not have a mouth filled with dirt and false hope. I see things in a way that (one would hope) are true. Regardless of pain or personal pleasure, my needs are much deeper. To pain others is not my wish, but I am sardonic and I do have a sharp tongue. I will debate you to death if you are naïve. I will scream for my ideals until I am blue. I don’t believe in an answer before it’s proven to be true. My humor is dry, my passions sometimes hidden, but my world is for all and I will happily let you in… but remember this well because I will say it only once; my layers are deep. If you want more than the surface, you will need to earn trust, not simple acquaintance.

I would not call myself a cynic, but rather someone who enjoys the daily pleasures bestowed to us from birth. I see a picture larger than my own, I tie in events and try to knot them so when I am faced with choices I have a tightly bound rope of my life to utilize and climb until the answer is found. If there is no rejoinder, I climb further and look for a place to swing to another and look for aid outside myself.

If I were to summate my personality and life in a line, it would be simple, “I am the fool from an epic play. I say what I want but in the right way. I hold nothing back, my tongue leads me. I see more than you think, I jest at your faults but you do not get riled, I am but a fool in a world closed in by walls. I walk outside and enjoy the sounds of nature, the peasants, and return for the king alike. I sit with the animals and am afraid of bees, but I myself am just a fool who ‘knows nothing.’”

So in a simple recapitulation of this summation, my life is moving forward. I mostly travel alone but look forward to seeing friendly faces. If you gain my trust, I will give you a new and invasive world. By this I speak of not a negative connotation, but exciting and different and filled with laughter. Our adventures will be grand. The bloodshed will not be from our veins, but instead the blood of those who get in our way. It will be a bond like no other, friendships to carry horses in their daily journeys, sweeping even the fastest steed to the side. Through my eyes I see the world; through your eyes can you see mine?

“This is an RP storyline for my character in AoC.”

Sometimes the things that are worth it the most in life take the most effort.

A line from scrubs titles this blurb of my life. Between episodes I go outside press down on flint, I see the light from the fire hit the paper, the crinkle of burning paper resounds in my head from every movie where there is a closeup of someone smoking a cigarette. I often stare at the sky and think about many things outside in the air. First I take a moment to see how the day is, the weather, the mood, the feeling, how it feels like back home. I used to reflect back to home much more, now I consider this my home, I stand alone in my new home sometimes and just stop. I think wow, I am paying my bills, I am being paid, I am living my life, hmm maybe I should get a dentist appointment, hmm I need a physical. Things that hold true to a person on their own. I am not alone though, I have a loving family and friends. I left a lot back home but I have a lot here. But I digress, so I stand outside tonight and I think… like I think a lot, I have so much of my life in order right now then I go outside and regardless of the war movies where they smoke cigarettes or the cinematic presence it has, I am killing myself. Each drag I take each pack I buy I am asking for those helping hands on my shoulders to let go faster and faster.

I have this overwhelming sense that so much of my life could have been much worse and things could have turned wrong fast, but there was some hand on my shoulder saving me from a very bad path. I know I put effort and work into the stuff I love and the things I have excelled at but there is also this vast feeling that yes there is something that has helped you, saved you many many times and each time you smoke the cigarette you spit in its face. I was told this week that I am better with being able to stand up for myself than others, yet I look at it and think, excuse me I don’t do this as naturally as you think. I bust my hump for what I believe in and maybe if you took a moment to come out of the bubble you surround yourself in you would realize you just need to spread your efforts to all areas of your life and others sometimes. Hmmm talk about add I just saw the words err letters hitting the screen as I typed without looking at the keyboard and thought, that looks really cool lol… anywayyyy.. I know I want to quit, I know I have to but here I am holding onto this crutch. I sometimes think in this new environment in this new place called California and growing older I reached out during my time here and decided I need to hold onto my past. I need a connection to NY, I need a connection to my life before the panic attacks, I need to hold onto my life when I could drink or do drugs. I wanted sometimes still want the ability to do as I wish without caring. There was no mental block of sitting in a chair rocking back and forth freaking out because I smoked some pot or me needing to leave a party because when I drink the room begins to close in around me. I want to be able to just have ONE drink nowadays without having to worry about being depressed the next day because it reacts badly with the lowest does of Klonopin the drug that made it all better when I had panic attacks every second of my life. The drug I hate but know too that it may not be so bad because maybe it still does help. As we speak I cut the dose again because I feel it is starting to have a negative effect because of the lack of actually having the panic attacks without control as much. So without those poisons in my mind the drug fights against nothing causing me to feel weird. I also think it has to do with the cigarettes. So I held onto old relationships, old foods, and thoughts when I got here and I grabbed onto cigarettes hard because it doesn’t have a negative reaction on me as the drinking or drugs do now that used to not. Although the smokes do fuck me up and make me tired and feel like shit by the end of the day it is still not as much as the others making me almost unable to move. And the sad part it is in my head. But after not doing it so long I have adjusted and I love the fact that I don’;t do them, but what about the fact that for the longest time I thought that if I smoked pot here and there it brought me to a normal level of hyper activeness. Although sometimes dumbing down too much. I can make it make sense to myself by remembering the best times I had were in college when I did non of these. I didn’t even smoke. I was in the best shape of my life, yet somehow it is the hardest thing for me to quit smoking because of my weight, and perhaps this old tie. I went back to NY just recently and met with an old friend and realized when she said “We met when he was high” as to why I was not having fun this time and her life and my life were sooo completely different now that I had to excuse myself early, circumstances aside. An old tie to my old life put into the light. I think it also didn’t help when her friend said, how fucked up are you, and she replied with omg sooo fucked up and he said well here take a drag of this I plan to get you retarded fucked up awesome, or something along those lines. It is not the same when you are not DOING the stuff around you and you see it for what it makes people. It was like a room of people needing me to say, yes your new life is amazing and you totally changed and got out of the rut we called highschool, but I sat there disagreeing with the words I spouted out. But then I feel bad for judging their lives cause what makes mine soo much better they chose theirs as did I with mine. So my current problem, I smoke, I want to quit, I don’t want to gain weight, I want to quit, I want to eat, it allows me to eat without consequence, but the consequence may be beyond my control no matter how hard I work on it after it is too late. So is this just the next step to becoming who I am, another obstacle, a hurdle of sorts. Will those invisible saving hands have my back after I inevitably quit? Why is it I hold to this old fixation but the old fixation to work out and better my body is soo hard to do. Is it because of the idea that I didn’t follow the acting path in a matter of speaking and in this giant struggle of my mind where I fight what I lead myself to believe I would do to what I am doing and realizing omg, I think I may have been going after the wrong goal due to preconceived notions of what it meant in my head. Did working out and the constant struggle to look my best and lose the weight for a show in a matter of hours have an effect on me, definitely I cannot even see myself in a mirror I keep a record of photos. I can’t actually believe how much I love where I ended up and how much the old plan seems to have made sense in the fact that I didn’t follow it and I apply it to my life now in different ways. It was like when I directed my first play rather than acting. I was never more happy, comfortable in my life. Comfort scares me, it makes me think I am not growing and am getting too used to life, but who says that isn’t what life is meant to be comfortable instead of struggling for some American dream. But don’t get me wrong this comfort I talk of is not like omg I am sailing(hehe funny I just said that you will see why) aimlessly and without worry or challenge now with what I do and will turn into a cooperate potato. I am happy now with the choice, but obviously I will always have a question in my head as would anyone I suppose. But there is no doubt I ended up in the right place for here and now. It is just about being able to sort out NOW by figuring out how to fit in PAST. I have been working on it and I have come to conclusions of what I do is what I love, but currently I struggle with this damn smoke in my hand. Like my bills, my life, my writing, I decide when it is taken care of, however the world never stops spinning while I work it out. It is an interesting concept. Scary, but exciting. I go sailing tomorrow. That should be cool , never been on a sailboat before.

This is the new life, this is a connection to the old life.

The sun stares at me, glaring strong.
An enemy perhaps, but just surface. Need more sunblock. . .
The wind rushes past my ears, my hands, the feeling as it curves over my arms, through my hair.
The glisten can be felt with a swipe of the hand.
Running from the hairline to the bottom of the neck, finally reaching the cloth.
This is the new life, this is a connection to the old life.
I just walked down the boardwalk with breeze and smell of water now I, home, my new home, travel it again.
But what I do realize is that this sun, this air, these smells, they will not dissipate with time, they stay year round.
Perhaps it is better than trying to grasp onto old seasons or old memories only to recognize they have changed.
One of the many thoughts that has caused me to race my heart and life down this path.
By path I can only mean it literally, the bisection of Warner Ave.

So what do I do as the music plays and the wheels beneath me spin rapidly, speed never constant.
I think.
I reminisce.
I think about the first day, the first steps off the plane from my get away.
My eyes saw familiar, friends, people I missed.
Then as quickly as I saw them I was off for an adventure.

A child looks at me strange as I roll by, I let my head stay stationary ahead of me but my eyes glare deeply at him through my sunglasses. Never seen a rollerblader asshole?

Back in mind, mind in hand. . .
An adventure it was.
What should I make of it?
At first it was just the beginning of an awkward first encounter.
No one quite sure if the other will approve of the other, yet both not seeming to care.
As the woods become creepy the moments become less sleepy.
Full of energy, full of life.

For the longest time I have said I would write in riddle in my poetry and stories, but I think this part of this needs to be clear. I went out that day with the intention of getting to know someone I knew was in no way open to any such courting due to circumstances in her life. I went to have fun, I went to see what there is out there in this world, in California. She being from NY made the California more acceptable. I thought obviously that I was physically attracted to this girl, but I also knew if anything ever were to happen I would need to make sure she were someone I could stand, someone who could stand me, that we could deal with each other’s flaws and each others made up flaws of ourselves. It was actually funny, I fell in love(and by that meaning I mean it in the least forever basis known) with the physical attributes that were not the normal this time. I actually enjoyed looking at the small scar under her chin, I was aware of the over abundance of makeup, I smelled it, it reminded me of previous times. I saw flaws but for some reason in my head this day, flaws mattered very little. Perhaps it was the fact that her lips drew me in, and for me a kiss can make a relationship.

So now that we have had our 10 minute size up, the night began. After the chicken adventure and looking at the funny pictures, we ended up just talking. And I was not the only one talking I listened for a couple hours as she poured much of her soul to me. I chimed in here and there and held in much to just absorb. Some ideas I disagreed some I agreed. Some were timely to object some were for another night. But the entire time I sat there, my mind regardless of flaws, imperfections, differences, similarities(which by the way are a strange conundrum, I feel as though if someone were too much like me it would ruin a relationship but for once I got the opposite feeling, especially because the similarities were so different they were strong), I was completely calm, the idea of a panic attack or perhaps having to use the bathroom and awkwardly stepping away never came to mind.

There was one sentence that hung out in the air for me to be able to trace it over and over, “I don’t know when I will be able to be with a guy again I need to be strong myself, but maybe a week or two I’ll be ok but that can all change.”
This did not hang because I yearned for it, but I wondered, with the massive amount of comfort, sharing, and connection we had at this level, imagine if there was a relationship to back it up. I know and I still know that if I push or if I spell it out too much, I will probably chase away something that could be really important in two lives, but just imagine. . . imagine the idea that both people know they care for each other, they are completely honest, they are committed to one another. With that out of the way when she told me things that meant soo much to her I could put an arm around her she could talk into my chest and I could run my hand through her hair. I felt that even looking up from my elbows on my knees into her eyes we were closer than physically shown.

Do I feel that perhaps after getting to know one another better we could go places, sure I do, but do I think there are problems caused by saying such things at this point, damn straight. I think that the fact that I showed that I had such a great night and how I really was into her I scared her away. I think she now has a pre conceived notion of what I want out of this.

In all honesty I would just want her as a friend right now, but do I think perhaps one day we may end up as a couple, I think it is highly possible. I never will admit the ability to see certain things and never want to, but for once I am going to say I have seen much further in the one night spent than I wanted to or ever have with anyone else before. And it felt good even though I felt many of the humps we would have to get over.

Does it make me strange to think so much in advance? Yeah maybe, but do I need to make this plan and hold to it? Absolutely not, this is just what has run through my mind. Everyone has an inner monologue, mine just created a beautiful story for once and hell if I wasn’t going to share. I called my best friend at work and just expressed the great time I had, and she said “She challenged you, and talked back?” and I said, “yes” simple. . ..

Perhaps my love of the European way of romance is my downfall. My want and need to get the truth on the table immediately. Maybe the fact that I come up with ideas even in a split second scares people, because they do not know that even if I came up with it, doesn’t mean it is my PLAN and it is NOT set in stone. Maybe I am too open? I like games, I like to yearn, but I also like to have that feeling that there is something to yearn for.

I made a pact a long time ago to stray away from cookie cutter molds and tests for girls to fit, I play it by ear, and I usually just look to have a fun night if anything at all.

So what can I say?
I don’t know, I am not in her head.
Am I not attractive to her? Possibly.
Regardless of the possibilities what is the thing that holds it back.
There are so many things feasible, for instance the recent breakup.
Is it strange that I think into the future that once the healing is done maybe I have a chance?
Maybe we have a chance. . .
I don’t know why but I just got this very intense experience from one night, and now I feel like if I don’t let it out the nights or days will be contrived with judgments and ideas untrue. I just want day to day, I just want to love life and have fun with my new friend. But I also want to be able to open about passing moments.

Am I stupid for posting this up?

Well if she does read it, I hope she see’s that this is all speculation and a moment in the sun rollerblading down the PCH in an environment unclear to me, feeling withdrawal from smoke signals, a glance at something possible. I would also hope she would ask questions and talk to me about it : )


Not something to strive for ever time we meet, nor a goal to strive for at the end of the day. Just something that is in my eye as the sun glimmers by. . .

The smell of the beach is becoming clearer.
I begin to pick up my pace.
I hit a street crossing button, so strange, usually I just cross like in NYC.
I hate waiting for the damn cars, I hate waiting, indeed… I don’t think i crosses the street early yet, although I am on the furtherest edge of the corner.
The moment is gone for now.
The clarity is strange.
I had a fun time on the boardwalk and now I will go shower.

-End.

a simple touch

Just the simple feel of another’s skin against mine. Is enough to calm me. To feel your skin to touch your hair to become a cliche and get lost in your eyes… it is enough to ease me to rest.

/tickle tickle

When I tickle you you say HEYYYYYYYYY STOPPPP ITTTTTTT…. And when I smile with a devious smile and go.. “ok” all sarcasm attached you run to the corner of the room holding pillow in hand ready to swing! Your eyes jitter around the room… I sit there watching.. Waiting to pounce… still I sit in this empty chair, looking at that wall, wishing you were there. (THIS IS NOT EMO, read it in a CUTE tone)

/tickle

ooooo i tickled you.. You laughed… then you snorted… then you punched me.. then i rolled over onto you and we kissed. it was cute, wish you were there.

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