Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Category: Personal (page 1 of 2)

An investigation into a summer romance past.

I save many things. Old conversations. Photos. Etc. but today it paid off. It showed me an inside into why a relationship never happened. I was sitting here going… huh this doesn’t make sense by all intensive purposes we should be married, laughing on our porch during covid happy as can be.

  • We were patient with each other. 
  • We laughed at each other. 
  • We cooked for each other. 
  • We checked in on each other. 
  • Both our parents loved the other.

But turns out we just made a really good summer rom com since the first time we met. And weren’t meant for each other.

Our summers were filled with memories and love. Adventures and experiences.

But when the summers ended our lives took over our ability to dedicate time to each other. And it ended as quickly and as fast as it began.

It’s interesting how over time we forget the reasons things don’t work out in relationships. But we remember the good moments clear as day. Either way I know this person will be in my top 10 friendships of all time regardless of how it all turned out. And for that I am grateful.

In case I am in trouble – COVID19

I don’t suffer from depression. I do have anxiety. But that’s pretty under control. Since this pandemic has continued on and seeing how it is going to be continuing for a very long time from here has anyone been getting more and more.. claustrophobic about life?

It’s hard to explain but it feels like hopelessness filled with a difficult ability to breath at times. Like the need to cry a dry heave kinda cry. No tears.

Where you feel uncomfortable anyplace but home but at home you feel trapped and constricted by the life choices that lead you to where you are now, looking at how your life is going to change going forward without even having gotten your life together yet…

Wondering is this going to waste the good years of life here causing the future to be even more grim.

I tell ya what, I can’t sleep as much and I certain to hell cant sleep at a normal hour. And I can’t motivate to workout or do a zoom class.
I’m fired up about our politics and reform the country needs but even that makes me at times just want to bail on this country and move elsewhere when I see how bad it is and has been and is getting.

But the main issue I’m having is more and more often my mind gets blanked and I just feel empty and hopeless laying in bed having difficulty seeing the next steps, scared shit of getting this virus knowing in this mental state I’d crack.
Like I got 2 mental reprieves by visiting my parents over the last month but those were short lived and felt almost more depressing to me because they are “day trips” with masks and social distance. I know no matter what I’m stuck where I am. Unable to really move to the next steps of life. Questioning all the steps I took to get here. I can look for new apartments but making life changing choices where money is called into question and future job opportunities will be affected is kinda like asking a drunk to “just go to rehab”. It isn’t that I don’t want the help it is that I am crippled to the point of not knowing how to use the help when I don’t know if it won’t just fuck me in the future. I already get overwhelmed in a normal world when looking for places to live. But making it during a pandemic… I start mentally shaking.

So I am stuck in this apartment where I am surrounded by people which was fine until people became walking viruses. Stuck without an outdoors or yard. Which was fine if someone walked by me on the sidewalk until they became walking viruses without masks. And before I had to worry about who touched the front doorknob. Stuck with my cats that I love and have probably gotten me further without the feeling of being completely alone, but also are the reason I couldn’t quarantine with family and am alone during this pandemic.

Anyone in this boat with me? The question all of life boat with a side of hopelessness that feels extremely scary? It’s like the feeling that you are falling off a cliff and you can’t see the bottom so you will fall indefinitely until it just goes dark. Or the feeling of fear. Just irrational coming from nowhere fear. So powerful

It makes you want to scream or cry just to make it feel less intense. That moment right after a nightmare that jolts you awake. Yup. That is some depressing shit there. But I needed to say it out loud Incase I’m in trouble and don’t realize it. Thanks for listening.

A small reprieve – COVID19

My mom and step dad had me over for the Fourth of July. It was awkward and strange and alien like any other social distancing meeting since covid. Afraid to touch things they may touch. Washing hands constantly. Dodging out of the way of each other.


This is the first time I saw them. We talked outside on the porch, had dinner, and played a word games. We also talked about the world and the shit of the news as it is hard not to.
Sitting outside is something I have only done one other time when I visited my dad for Father’s Day also socially distanced where I balled my eyes out being the first time I left the house because it was so overwhelming. Even here I had a lump in my throat for majority of the time like I wanted to cry just because this isn’t normal.


But…


They bought some fireworks like we used to do when I was a kid. Little ones not the professional grade but non the less I loved them because they were mine to light as a kid if I was safe. They all said “emits showers of sparks” and we always had the running joke “oh. What does this one do? Emits showers of sparks..”


So we started to get ready on the driveway with our little baby fireworks (which I love) and I have never heard a fantastic display of pure explosive power around us like I have today. Hundreds of professional fireworks being lit off by their neighbors and people around the town. It sounded like a battle field.


It was a perfect exclamation of how everyone feels in this country on a day special to this country. It was like all the frustration being exploded at once in fiery glory.
So we began lighting our little ones emitting showers of sparks, some where amazingly fun and some where laughable. But we watched and enjoyed each one for what they were. My mom and step dad sitting and enjoying the show. Me the maestro of the sparks!


Even the neighbors looked out their window at our show like they did when I was a kid.


Me saving the biggest firework for the end as a “finale”. They came outside and clapped as we finished and I danced around the driveway with a sparkler.
As we turned the lights on and began cleaning up the dead fireworks littering the driveway my mom said “ya know, for the first time, I forgot about COVID”


And ya know what. It’s true. With the combination of explosions all around and that nostalgia of these showers of sparks. For that moment as small as it was the world was normal again. And the shit was washed away. So thank goodness for the little moments in these big moments of shit.
I love you all and love ya mom. Thanks for having me today and letting me do my laundry too hah. It’s important to have these “breath” moments. I didn’t realize until I didn’t have them. Now I savor these tiny moments which are in reality the important “big” moments.


Now I am sitting on their hammock writing this looking at the sky before I drive back to my cats and apartment confinement again. But right now I feel relaxed.

Addendum:

I seriously want to know why my pandemic looks and feels so much different than others pandemics. I haven’t hugged or kissed anyone. I haven’t touched anyone. I have socially distance hung out with 4 people total…. MY PARENTS. But with masks or outdoors with a lot of distance so I don’t accidentally, I dunno KILL THEM. But here I see, beach bbqs, families partying, friends hugging. No masks and smiles shining. Am I missing something?!

I see Instagram story updates, in person studio photoshoots, etc… I am sitting here selling fucking digital items in a video game because I can’t do my real job, posting photo-shoots from before march to stay relevant(if that even matters in this new world).Why am I putting in the effort to keep you safe if you don’t seem to give two flying shits about me?

I mean I am even embarrassed to tell someone if I got too close or someone wrapped me in a blanket to give me a hug before I broke. When there are others who have no regard for any of it, denial maybe is their coping, but it has major consequences for the rest of us.

A flower with more than pretty colors – COVID19

The significance of this flower is hard to explain.

Today was the first time since the virus I made contact (socially distanced and with masks) with one half of my family.

I seized up in tears within seconds of being there. The weight of the last three months crashing down and the next months to come.

This was a flower on their patio where I sat and just enjoyed the breeze and chatted. I didn’t have to worry about the people without masks bumping into me. I didn’t have to stare at the same walls again. I got to interact and be a semi human.

I ran around their driveway with my arms in the air like a little kid doing an airplane. Because I could. Because I don’t have a driveway. Because I felt free.

Sometimes I feel like, when I see these photos and videos of people going to bars and beaches that I am living a different pandemic then others. And it makes it hard. But today was a beautiful moment. Albeit hard and emotional. It was a much needed breather for the brain. Happy early Father’s Day.

Vices

I understand dealing with the harder days with a vice, for me it was cigarettes. Even when you quit it does stick around in your head as a want, but you as a person, you become stronger to make the choices as time passes. But it takes time unfortunately, and not time where we hide from the world waiting for it to pass, but time were I am out enjoying the world with my new goals. That last bit is the hardest to put into practice though. Working on it 🙂

“I am the white crayon”

Lately even the simple question of “have you been getting any work” or “do you have any job prospects” makes me quiver. Not because I don’t want to answer. It is hard to define what I feel when I get asked that. It doesn’t even have to be in question form, even the simplest of “I hope you are ripping up NYC!” something meant with the best intent and I understand it and appreciate it throws me for a loop. I think one of the things that gets me bothered is that many people think that I left to go back to NYC with a very defined clear objective in mind and that in a few months they would be able to come out here and see or hear of my achievements, when in reality it has been 3 months already and the first 1 and a half were spent in a sort of alter reality where I acted as if there was a death in the family, and I could hardly leave my house unless it was to do something mindless like workout or sit on the bed of a friend watching them go about their daily life as I just took up space.
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A Chapter, an episode, a mini series, E.18.S02, an indescribable color.

I wish I could paint a picture of those last moments for you. But I am not sure I even know the colors of what I saw. It was a day sped up by anxiety, years of memories, and a self exploration of trying to figure out what to say to myself let alone others. Yet on top of it all was an odd sense of calm.

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Even if it was just for a moment.

Even if it was just for a moment, I recently had everything the way I wanted it. And all cylinders of the brain were firing, all the right decisions were going to be made, and the future wasn’t even a concern.

Even if it was just for a moment.

It all started last night when I saw the outline of the TV, my kitties in my lap, and an affectionate head laid in that strange place without a proper name in between my neck and shoulder blade, the place that only a person can snuggle into filled with just that. On the table two glasses of Pinot Grigio contrasting on a dark wood coffee table, with a film of condensation frosting the glass, and on my legs stretched out relaxed two kitties dreaming away. That one outline could have made a painting or a shadow cutout or even the cover of a rental. And for that moment there was no worries of the future or decisions to be made. It was just a place to enjoy and stare at, the words of the movie jumbled by the simple perfection of an imperfect situation. It cleared my mind just long enough that when it ended my dreams followed with such a feeling of clarity. Continue reading

Ramblings – 02/15/2010

Lately I have felt a very deep pit in my stomach when I go to sleep. I feel very alone, and I think about those people I have had interest in or who you would call when you are feeling the need for affection and the problem is, I don’t see anything satisfactory coming from any of them.

That sounds terrible so let me try to explain this better. I suppose, in the last few months I have undergone some serious transformations and continue to embark on them. From my job to my personal hobbies to my emotional state to my physical state. It is actually amazing how polar opposite every aspect of my lifes journeys are right now and the people in it as well. It is like having multiple personalities but I don’t change just the people around me depending on what time of day.

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Time well wasted.

I dunno if I am supposed to pretend I don’t feel like shit right now or not.

If I am supposed to not read into everything I see and hear.

If I should be the only one who can’t picture the end quite yet.

If I should be the only one who is not so disgusted by a face I remove it from site or a memory I push it from mind.

If I should post this on facebook, although irony would have it so anyway.

I dunno if I should feel like the first day I felt the word growing and trying to push its way out of my mouth, that word we dance around in our hearts, but instead a twisted version tearing me apart.

As if the butterfly’s grew wings of steel and are tearing at my insides to reveal, nothing, nothing more than a few weeks.

A few weeks that meant more than a memory long forgotten 2 and a half years ago.

A memory of sheep and strawberries and spongebob.

I don’t know if you are going to run.

I don’t know if it is because of what you heard or because to feel what i feel as well is scarier to be with than to have none.

I don’t know why I can’t just stfu, but the stupid part is, I don’t know if I am being stupid for understanding.

I don’t know if I am being stupid for having hope.

I don’t know if I am being a fool for just sitting and not standing.

I just don’t know if as the day goes on the things in your mind become worse or the same as before.

I don’t know if you still want me.

I don’t know if when you hear something in a movie that is stupid and cheesy if you think of me and not push it from mind.

I don’t know if this is doing damage.

I don’t know if it’s going to be the same.

I just don’t know.

But I am a fool, as I have stated before, a fool from a Shakespearean play. So I will, because my heart tells me too, just let time, have its way. Watching the world, seeing some truth, and making a gest here and there.

“It’s not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it.” -Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Time well wasted for now.

Love is scary.

So it is a strange thing to feel this way about another person.

There is so much of the equation you will never know because in the end you are both two different people with different thoughts and minds.

But when it feels right there is something to it that makes you think you can read their mind and them you.

But I think the scariest thing is something that happened recently, watching her put away my laundry, feeling sick, and completely out of it, yet I sat in the bed and watched her. And with everything playing against the situation and an increasingly upset stomach on my end as well, I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to ever have to.

And I think that is where it becomes scary to feel this strongly for someone. When you realize, wow, if they leave, die, or just turn into jerk faces, it is going to hurt.

But I have always gone into relationships with my heart of my sleeve and figured hey, if they punch it, oh well, I will bleed a bit and get back out there. So I will not do it any differently here, but it just feels soo much more intense.

Plus you wonder, does it just happen like this? Have I found that person? It is something we all want but when faced with the reality of it, it is freakin scary.

Instead of thinking a year into the future with random thoughts of “If it works” my brain has already played out 30 years from now. At least I haven’t considered dying next to her yet, although I have considered where I would retire and how that would be. Lol. Dammit so probably like 50 years in the future! BY THE WAY YOU ALL DO IT so don’t deny it lol. It isn’t me sitting in my room contemplating it for hours it is fleeting quick thoughts that flash by as quickly as you blink.

We are still in the moments where we spend a better half of a day in bed just staring at each other and making witty banter. Then we realize our day is gone and we rush to do normal everyday things. But somehow, and I am yet to figure this one out yet, we fit in a WHOLE lot of substance to our conversations and days even if it feels rushed at the end after we sat in bed all day.

So what am I saying exactly? Nothing specific, just recounting a moment of thought, probably not as well as I could being as I had it last night and wrote myself a note to remember cause I wanted to sleep. But oh well, I wanted to write about it anyway.

I really am so excited to get her to NYC with me. I want to share a part of me that is extremely revealing of who I am. I want it to be months from now when my brain and my emotions can agree upon a decision to love. NYC isn’t that moment but it shows a passage of time when we finally go, so it makes an example of what it is, not how it will happen. I also want to experience the romance of NYC with someone I love as well. I always found it to be the most romantic cities in the world. (well until I went to Paris and saw their mood lighting on the streets and bridges at night)

I feel a little bit like my big sister right now, because she always seemed to jump into relationships heart first, and I feel like I should be confiding in her for advice on when it is OK to let it just BE that way, but at the same time, me and my sister differ very much in relationships and how we approach them 🙂

As of right now I am excited for moments like this weekend when we plan on getting out of bed, going and doing something fun together. Just planning a day where we are away from our lives but in each other’s is nice.

I finally got to see her in the chair for a fleeting moment last night.

I realized that I wish I had more lighting like my room around the house; it is very much a thing that my sister used to do. Her houses were always warm and inviting. I try to emulate that the best I can, which usually means I wait until she gets here to help me decorate! Haha.

I woke up to her toothbrush next to mine. It was warming.

Anyway, that is all for now.

The de-pressurization of my brain.

I haven’t drank in many years. By drink I mean been drunk or even buzzed for that matter. At a certain point in my life my body chemistry changed and rejected all alcohol and illegal substances I put in my system by causing me to get a panic attack. Then when I was on a small medication for the panic attacks the medication battled it with depression. SOOOOO needless to say I stay away from alcohol pretty much all the time now. I am yet to be in a situation where I feel comfortable by the people around me to take the chance to really dive into it again. Someone who isn’t out to get smashed but just be there and alcohol is the pleasant company. Even explaining the above is difficult and I am sure will be read differently by all. Say “medication” anything and people freak out in all the wrong directions. Also say you don’t drink and you are an alcoholic specially if you try to back it up with “OH MAN DID I USED TO” lol..

Don’t get me wrong I can kick it like anyone else at a party, it just means I have less headaches and can drive home.

But I miss it. I miss the people, the situations, and the mental chill it would give me. Well today for the first time I actually drank enough to give me a semi hazey feel. The warm sensation before a buzz and WAY before being drunk, I guess my tolerance is shot to shit after many years of no drinking. I managed to slur a couple of sentences and get distracted by deep concentration on trivial things making me look like a complete dumb ass yet feel a familiar sensation inside that gave me comfort. The de-pressurization of my brain.

So after passing out when I got home, I woke up at around 12am hungry and decided to go to the supermarket. I was so hazy I actually took my time and enjoyed walking the aisles to get my shopping done, txting here and there as it was 12 am and the store was empty, no rush to get anything done or move out of the way.

I then made my way to the parking lot where the smells in the air and the sounds around me just brought me back to moments back home. And for some reason in California lately, there has been seasons. And right now it feels like spring/summer on the East coast with moist air and a stagnant gonna rain feel with a slight mist.

So with the mixture of these sensations with the old feeling of that pre-drunken haze, I decided to stand there for a bit and just soak it in. I remembered back to the times when me and my friends would make a diner run after a long night of drinking. I remember the tunnel vision is caused where the only important thing was “doing” and “eating” at the moment. The doing being with my friends and going out even though it was late. Mmmm the hot chocolate at the diner and cheese sticks!

This has all come at a strange time where me and my sis re-opened a website we had running when I was in college with all my friends from growing up and family members. It is just like it used to be except we all live in different places now. We all act like the kids we are and we don’t judge past a simple opportunity to make fun of each other.

So even in this completely different environment where I was shopping for my own groceries as an “adult” I felt like I was that kid going to the diner with my friends, although now on my own and mainly seeing them on this website.

But you take all of those together and it made for one hell of a night where I chose to just take my time, breath in the air, enjoy what I felt and saw, and then return home. The feeling dispersed rather quickly thereafter and now that I have finished some food I am loosing it more and more.

I hope sometime in the future I will figure out how to get that pressure release valve back in my life without causing turmoil with the rest of my body as drinking or the occasional joint would give me. Because what I realized most tonight, is I don’t ever just walk and be. I often get too caught up in needing to get it done.

It definately was no ordinary store window.

Sometimes it is nice to re-connect with people from earlier in our lives. I kinda hope everyone could have had the roller coaster love that I had when I was younger. The kind where every song was your song, every moment was from a movie, and every breakup felt like a tragic comedy of your life.

Moments lumped so quickly together you would break down in tears and not even know why. Crazy adventures before the realities of life were a thought in your mind. A time when your body hadn’t changed and you were strong enough to take on any challenge or stupid choice you made.

The ability, like a small child, to bounce when dropped. The option to cry or not, because it hurt, honestly not knowing what pain meant yet.

These are sometimes nice things to remember.

Although sometimes distance and time can force you to try to re-open these times and they can leave you very unhappy, but I think we all need to re-visit those moments once or twice before we can just be happy knowing they existed.

I did it, and facebook and the same phone number since I was 18, kept it alive long enough to run its course.

So I looked forward to each message today, and the fact that we are not going to need to fall in love again, but just immediately jump back into the good, bad, and extremely ugly moments of that time. Where have no inhibition toward each other and just talk freely. I am sure the currently boyfriends and girlfriends do not appreciate it, but hey, it is still funny in a dark humored way.

Plus sometimes it is nice to remember what it felt like to finally get that kiss, or to mess it up so bad even before it started, causing it to jump start harder than it would have before. To remember the smells of your old colognes/perfumes or the people who were involved in your life, for better or worse.

The little moments you shared in the snow, with a candle, or waking up to her at the foot of your guest bed with her mother down the hall. The outfits she wore that were perfect in your eyes, and the opinions we thought we had of each other.

It is not the feelings of that which usually accompany seeing people back from highschool, when you can gauge your success or looks vs theirs and how it “used to be” but just remembering what it used to be plainly.

(If you are curious about the title: http://www.craftingworlds.com/studio/?p=46)

(comments from facebook)

Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

The most amazing thing about people that you’ve had a history with is that you cannot bullshit them. You grew up with her, grew to know her, and grew with her… I’m convinced that friendships formed during youth are much stronger than those formed as adults. As a child, you have no inhibitions about coming across as an utter ass… it just … See Morehappens naturally. There’s a bond formed with growing pains.

I think it’s awesome that you’ve reconnected with one of the first girls you met. It reminds you now of how far you’ve come as a person, and gives you the opportunity to giggle at the stupid shit you did back then. (And, I’m certain you did plenty of it– don’t deny it! hah)

I think that life likes to circle around every few years or so… We all keep having the same life lessons, but the goal is to grow and learn from our past mistakes. Maybe reconnecting with her will reinforce the lessons you’ve learned…

May 18, 2009 at 9:29pm ·
Caroline Comerford

Caroline Comerford

Wow…I couldnt have put it better myself! You truly have a gift there Memphis.
May 19, 2009 at 12:08pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

I seem to remember you having a little bit of talent in the words department too sway. 😛
May 19, 2009 at 1:51pm ·

Hark!!! Thou Shalt Be-eth Woo’d

So I found an OLD OLD OLD conversation when I was 12. The days when I had AOL was something a bit different. I remember the feeling that you could be ANYTHING or ANYONE on this new toy. Albeit I am definitely fucking the Shakespearean language into the ground with this conversation and this is really not very impressive, I was 12 and I figured with all this talk of love in my notes lately, I would post an old conversation I had with someone. I suppose I wanted to show them, I was not “that guy”. And ya know, it was weird, but it worked.. lol Perhaps in its own way, even though it murdered the language, the truth. Of course in a very hormonal, trying to be older than I was, romantic 12 year old way. But it was nice non the less to be able to talk to people who probably would pass you over in a crowd in such a way that made you different. It also felt good to be able to say what you wanted because it were almost as if you were the fool with this language. It made a separation of reality and fiction. Because I was talking in a different language almost (yes I know I killed it) it allowed me to say much more of the truth than you normally could. Like the fool in a Shakespearean play, using jests to speak the truth, but no one will believe him because he is the fool, so they laugh. This was me using a language to connect with people older than me, because even though it could be taken as canny, in all jokes and mostly in most sarcasm there is a hint of truth that rings true.

Hockeypuc was my screen name lol

HockeyPuc6: If thou shall not speakith to thy thy shall consume the position of eternal rest.

GIRL: i want you now but i can’t have you

HockeyPuc6: thy shall seek mercy on your oh so tender heart and thy shall live for just a plain trip to the mall with thou.

HockeyPuc6: If thou dismays my requests thy shall have a heart of eternal sorrow!

GIRL: oh ye baby that’s why i want you there djfkldjfjdkjkjfkjdj you are soo cute , that’s really romatic even if you are kidding Jessica says this!!

HockeyPuc6: Who is this maiden thou talks of. Jessica thou calls her. Thou’s name rings in my ears like the sound of singing from the beautiful humming bird in the sky.

GIRL: are you taking this out of a book?

HockeyPuc6: Thy would take a sword in thys heart to save the life of this wonderful yet mysterious maiden(and no this is not out of a book)

GIRL: sorry for leaving you i messed up

HockeyPuc6: Thou hears of another name yet ringing from the south. It is what thou calls Jennifer. It is majestic and lovely in many wonderful ways.

GIRL: o.k. i know you love me

HockeyPuc6: Thys love for you can not be expressed through words nor through actions. Thy’s love is so deep thou could not cut through it with the power of the gods called on from the heavens. Though can not live without thee. Will thou take my hand in eternal togetherness?

HockeyPuc6: Is thou still there.

GIRL: wow!!! how do you come up with this?

HockeyPuc6: Thy has a heart that can express thy’s feelings only in love for the ones that men the world to Thy! Thy loves and Thy weeps but not in sorrow but with happiness filling Thy’s heart.

GIRL: ;-[

HockeyPuc6: what is thous meaning by that majestic yet strange figure in the far of distance.

HockeyPuc6: (the face)

GIRL: it means that i was cryiny!!!

HockeyPuc6: Has thy made thou sad. Or is it the beautiful sorrow of happiness.

GIRL: its thou sorrrow of happiness beheld by my hand

HockeyPuc6: Thou speaks of the true love that is beheld in the hearts of every soul of the lands. Thou must search deep inside the depths of thous heart to find the meaning of LOVE!

GIRL: good

HockeyPuc6: Thys love grows deeper ever moment. It has a never ending depth and can be called unto at any time. That is the trueness of thy’s love for thou.

HockeyPuc6: If thou will love Thy in the ways that thy loves tho than the love of eternity will be Grasped forever in the heavens.

HockeyPuc6: The End

Maybe this is why I find instant messengers and txt’s to be so disconnected. Because for me, this was a way to escape late at night when it was no longer allowed for you to be out at night. This was a way of extending an already awesome night. It wasn’t the way to say hello, and figure out who someone was. It was like a coffee after desert.

Another Life Decision, that caused Analysis of Everything in my Life Currently.

Writing has always been a comfort for me. When I get the urge to write it often takes hours or days for me to actually sit down and begin my path across the keyboard. I usually have a bunch of ideas I want to relate and then they begin to pile up until I am overwhelmed by the idea of actually sitting down and writing about them all. But perhaps it is better to write about them all at once instead of trying to make them separate pieces of time.

I spent the better majority of this weekend watching movies. I went and rented as many of the movies out there that looked very go lucky, happy, over the top retarded.  There is always a common theme in those types of movies, a love interest.

I guess for me I can watch a movie and forget about my life and be happy in the lives of those that I watch. Feel their love, understand their happiness, and then relate it to the idea of them being real people off the screen.

I often wonder what it would be like if it were me on that screen.

I graduated a theatre major and I never told anyone through my 4 years of college what I wanted to do with my life when I graduated.  Part of that had to do with my dislike for the people who walked around explaining their right to fame.  I guess there were a few reasons for this; One I was terrified of failing, I didn’t want to explain my extreme want for fame on the movie screen because then there was a bigger chance for failure in the eyes of those I told, and it became about them and not something for me. The second reason was to not jinx it. And then there was the simple reason of being scared shitless myself of such a goal.

I suppose I should explain my intentions to let you understand it in full. I wanted to be famous for a couple of reasons. I was not the book smart type of person, on paper at least, that is to say I preferred the arts because they allowed me to improvise my life on the fly, rather than watching tutorials or remember pH balances.  I wanted the fame more than I wanted to be an actor. I think I thought and still think, regardless of the gold diggers or fake fans, that through fame, I would be able to enjoy life more, worry less about monetary things and more about things like love. And what better way to enlarge the pool of women to choose from than to be known to everyone.  Then there was the reprisal for my younger years as a child when I was not accepted in school as the “cool” kid but was treated as the nerd and outcast. I figured one day, all those who shit on me would see me on the screen and think to themselves “Well shit… don’t I feel like a jackass”. I suppose not the best reasons for wanting the fame.  It makes me sad that “Movie Fame” is the easiest (if you can make it) way to be known. The path of least resistance so to say.  You do not need to write something worthy of a Nobel prize, or fight in a war, you just have to pretend to be someone that someone else made up.  I am not saying this is an easy task but in the world of fame, this is probably the # 1 most glorified place to be. A rock star for instance, or a movie star, they are in everyone’s lives regardless of wanting it or not.  I have always been a people person so when people would be saying how they would hate to be surrounded every day by paparazzi etc, I thought it would be perfect for the way I live.

Another reason I wanted it was because I think I am good at it. And when I set goals in my life, I usually do everything in my power to achieve them. I didn’t want to be the professor teaching the acting class because he couldn’t hack it. I used to tell me self over and over again, do not fall into a comfort zone making website or doing something else I was good at but took less of a fight to get to.  So you can imagine when i got a job at a Video Game company making movies, I fought my inner voice so hard it was very confusing.

In the last year of my college career I got the chance to direct 3 plays, two short 1 act plays and 1 full scale musical. This was the most fun I have ever had in my life. It came naturally to me, I loved to help people reach their full potential in my shows. I loved working every day on the sets and the costumes and the interaction with the actors. I did however not have a day go by where I told myself not to fall into it even though I enjoyed it sooo much. I felt like it was that comfort zone, and I would regret for the rest of my life not pursuing the life of an actor, how I would look back 50 years from now and say,  “If Only”.  I even got upset when I found out I was going to have to take directing courses as part of my core, because to me I wanted to be an actor and no other aspect interested me.

I feel that my ability to act gives me the insight to help others succeed, as with any job in life, it is so important to know all the aspects of it to better yourself in your part. However my inner voice once again yelled at me, and said, “Helping others to reach their goals in great but first you must reach yours.” Why is that, simply it is because if I watched others surpass me into fame, I had failed.

This is odd, because I have never opened up about this to anyone really. I didn’t even have this as a planned conversation topic for this.

I fear people in my life will look at my past and my goals of then and see them as me not being fully committed to my life and challenges now. Knowing perhaps one day I may wish to pursue my other passions.  However, my life as it is now, is intriguing, and my choice to come out to California to pursue this hybrid mix of directing and acting in a new form of entertainment, Machinima, was something I would be a complete idiot to have turned away with two years of work making them on my own.

It was the biggest fork in my life to choose this life. I got a call from a director I had worked with to get my equity card by doing a traveling Romeo and Juliet the same day I got a call to work as support(the bottom of the bottom, which I didn’t know at the time if I would make it to be able to actually make the movies for the company that I was doing) at my current place of work.  I remember the conversations of those important to me that day, and even the director telling me I should go and do it while I still had the chance. A book was recommended to me “What color is your parachute” I am yet to get it, but one day I will have to read it.

I think leaving New York was the hardest for me. When I first got here, I ordered a pizza and asked the girl on the phone for a “Large Pie” and she responded back in a Valley Girl accent, “We don’t sell pie”. When I then asked for a large pizza, she sent me the worst tasting pizza of my life.

I knew then I was no longer in Kansas. Because honestly they have more common sense than this girl did lol.

My transformation over the last few years has been wonderful. I love my job to death, but it took awhile for me to even come to the conclusions about my want to be famous and why that I mentioned before.  I thought I was throwing my dreams away, even though I was enjoying what I was doing, that meant “Comfort”. Although this has not been the “Comfort Job”. Every day is a new learning experience and every movie we do has something new to learn and challenges that appear.

So what can one conclude from all of that? I don’t know if there is a conclusive analysis. It is more of another corner piece in this octagonal puzzle called my life.  Would I say I am unhappy? No. Would I say I am scared? Sure, who isn’t when they have to make their own life decisions. When we have to worry about our own health vs when the next snow day will be. Am I emo, should this be taken as some sort of cry for help? No, not even close, this is just me spilling to the world once again a bit of who I am and how I got here. Would I change anything yet? Nah, maybe how I approached my first kiss in middle school, :P.  I figure yes, one day I could try to pursue acting again, but right now I am not sure if that is what I want anymore.  I remember my hatred for even the simple tasks such as memorizing lines for a show. It was a nightmare. And things like that make me think perhaps my intentions were not what I needed to do that.

So I watched the movies this weekend, and my troubles went away until the movie began to end, and I knew I could no longer live through the lives of those on the screen.

I guess what I am trying to get away from lately, is not having certain key elements in my life that I need so much.

The green room, I remember it soo well. Or the theatre in highschool, the place to escape. The place where you could hear the tuning of a piano, or people sitting on coaches and just talking. A place where the formalities of a classroom or even taking a public bus did not exist. This was a place where, as Arnold said, before he was elected Governor, “We all did stuff like that back stage, it isn’t sexual harassment”. I never heard a statement soo true before in my life.

The actor types spent so much time with each other in these relaxed situations, love interests and flirting always sparked. But it never lasted, it was caused by proximity. But back on topic.

The green room had this feeling of home to it. In NY during college it was the place to lay down if you were having a panic attack, a place to eat your dinner, or a place to procrastinate homework because there was always someone to talk to. And I am not talking about “Whats up” “NM” “YOU?” “NM”

I am talking about someone pissed off at the current elections, or a casting call, or some sort of drama. While I usually tried to keep out o the dramatic talks, the ones I enjoyed the most, were when someone would say something as simple as, “The sky is particularly blue today” and all of a sudden whether you wanted to or not, it snowballed into an intellectual conversation and you left that room somehow applying that conversation to your life. It helped you keep going. Even if the conversation made you leave the room, it gave you an emotional response. I miss that.

I miss the comfort of having such close friends, that we would just sit ontop of each other to get a section of the couch, because it was a couch and that is comfortable. And who cared who was who and what not. There was no inhabitation, it was just people living.  Sure it wasn’t all roses, but it was “home like” and people were allowed to speak their minds even if they were pissed.  No one had to worry about getting fired on those couches. No one had to worry about sexual harassment on those couches. And no one did.

I am VERY happy my job and the company I work for is very “family” like because if it was too corporate I might off myself. But I often find because there is no “couch” there is fear of the unknown, bad day, or wrong glance, that causes people at work to be very separated from who they really are.

This is all over though. I guess there is something special about the “couch” that one must just keep close to the heart.  As a department that works with pop culture very often, it is nice to know we have our own special couch for our brainstorms etc.

I find in these movies I have been watching as well, the answer to so many problems is keeping a good attitude toward things even if you are getting it hard from others. This has always been my motto. I try to tackle everything in life with a smile. Even if it sucks, I don’t let it get me down too hard, but sometimes when others start pulling hard enough on you because they are having a bad day, it becomes difficult to not expect the side swipe at any moment, keeping you on edge rather than thinking positive.

But, regardless, I will always be me, and in the end I hope it pays off. Because to not be me, is pointless.

And what else is there but seeing the relationships in these movies, that are fun and energetic. Not because every moment is perfect but because they overcome their hardships by pushing one another to new levels. A give and take.

I remember when I went back to NYC for fall, I was at a bar, and I went out for a smoke in the rain. Contrary to people’s beliefs not from NY, everyone is very talkative and nice, because I ran into a beautiful woman and I dropped my NY vernacular with, “Wow it is raining FUCKING hard”. To which she turned and we began discussing her life and mine. It was an in depth conversation with a complete stranger. NYC being the loneliest  city in the world, because we were always soo busy getting from point A to B  all we can do is stare at the multitudes other/different people and wonder what it would be like to sit down with a glass of wine with them.

Even in the Subway it was really hot and I said under my breath, “Man it is FUCKING hot down here” to which an old man turned to me and said, “FUCKIN’ A!”

This brought a huge smile to my face.

So what does this have to do with relationships?

I guess I wonder if I can find that same kind of fight in a person not living in or from the City. I want to be able to marry and raise kids some day, so I hope California is a place I can do it in, because I want to be at my job for quite some time, but it scares me that there is such a huge difference between the people. Sure this is some harsh shit on California, and obviously it isn’t everyone, but the everyday people I pass by in the “OC” with their lack of turn signals and housewives homeowners association feel, it is a little scary.

I have had this chat with people before and I think if I found someone who had some of the same beliefs and values that I do, then my kids would grow up just fine anywhere, but in a land of white how do you find the girl when you came from a land of red purple black white yellow, etc.

I have always pictured myself marrying over seas, but perhaps that is just because the differences in culture are so great the intrigue is the motivation behind it. Rather wouldn’t it be great to find someone regardless of location to adventure and grow through that intrigue with.

I suppose I need to find my way out of the areas which ooze OC housewives, and learn the place I am in more, to really know where to find the off beaten path.  Someone told me about a Dueling Piano bar… perhaps I will start there. That sounds right up my alley 🙂

I know why this is all forefront on my mind lately. Whenever you make a big decision in your life you begin to analyze all the pieces all at once. My big decision was buying a new car. Finally giving up some of my vice grip over my savings and treating myself to a new car. But not just a work and back car, but something I can enjoy. Actually taking out a loan to prepare for the future of perhaps owning a house and building credit, which don’t even get me started on how ridiculous I think the whole system of credit is. It is like the actors guild, you need to act in a guilded show to get it yet you can’t act in a guilded show without it kinda bs.

California being a new beast to me aside, I had to leave my friends and family behind when I moved here, so I find it difficult to really just call that friend to go out and chill.  Work has a very different culture than I am used to so sometimes it is hard to form the friendships I would like, when the commonalities are very different at times.

I don’t drink anymore so “The bar scene” to pick up a girl is not the way for me to go about things. Plus I am not out to get laid, I am out to meet someone intriguing or someone who wants to sit down with a cup of coffee vs sit in silence at a movie.  I wish dating sites were more mainstream, because it seems like a great way to meet someone in these days of texting taking priority over phone conversations. At least a way to get the introduction out of the way to go get that cup of coffee.  Younger people my age don’t seem to be using them as much though. It seems to be something for people 40 and older. Which I find odd since we should know more about this computer magic than them 😛

I live by inspiration and aspiration and all things that allow my imagination to run rapid through a colorful, candid-incandescence.

I will make like Plato and admit that I know nothing. I don’t know the concepts of physics, the material classifications of the the periodic table, nor could i recite anything written by Hawthorne, or Freud. but i do know this: that where there is passion, there is a heart behind it, and where there is a heart there is love, and where there is love there is risk, and where there is risk there is selflessness, and where there is selflessness there is wisdom. you cannot teach me that. there is no book, no poem, no scientific explanation, no renowned modern achievement that could help me FEEL these concepts. you can create a flow chart and explain to me the basic principles of being a human being and i would still fumble through life just as robotic as half the population. Finding yourself despite and in spite of societal infiltration is key to being 100% real, 100% authentic.

To me that is the most important thing to find in a significant other. Someone who understands the risks of telling all, yet they do it anyway, because risk can kiss their ass.

I think part of me wishes I could download a lot of pieces of my life(someone just told me about that expression) into the brains of those who are important to m, so they could know I wrote a script that is sitting on my computer read only by 2 other people(scared of it being taken, need to copyright it, but 50 dollars for something that may actually suck..) because I want them to know I may be skillful in that, or perhaps that I was in musicals all the way until the end of my career in college, but despise karaoke because it feels too competitive and I prefer to prepare for a show if I have to sing, maybe that I used to weigh 155 pounds and dance hip hop for awhile. Why do I want them to know that? Because then, maybe instead of trying to make accusations of my skillsets or ambition to stay on top of the learning curve, they will know that if they give me the right situational response I will be able to perform for them, and I can be comforted by that day or two of practice rather than playing the backtrack game or the “but I have done x and y” to explain z.

I believe knowing someones strengths is an insight to their weakness, and while we only have our own experiences to help guide people past them, we cannot expect what worked with us to work on anyone else. It is important to adapt your own experiences into guidance, otherwise you become the father and I become the rebelling child, wondering why you are so damn oldschool.

I think if I ever wrote a book, it would either be something that could maybe help someone with their life or suck soo badly that it would never be read, because sometimes my life is so motivated by the life around it, that it is impossible to recap. I guess that is why I find it important that the people around me see me for who I am, and I am who I want to be around them, otherwise they are getting the illegible book of my life.

As someone said as I was writing this, perhaps I will hold a seminar, in which I gather a bunch of people, show them what it feels like to have someone give you a layer of life so thick, but still have so much to give after that, the fear of losing themselves is gone, and perhaps they can love unconditionally, with self preservation built in, in a non obtrusive way.

Anyway, there is the thoughts on the forefront of my mind since purchasing my new car. I don’t know how you would want to categorize this.  But don’t think of it as sadness, just reflection. And do me a favor, if you are reading this, you probably have some sort of part in my life, don’t take it as condescending, it is just me being me, sharing a thought process, these are not conclusions. I find sometimes it is easiest to pin a person by what they say or write down in a conversation or blog if you have it, but this is a part of my life perhaps as much as a millisecond of my entire life, and the thoughts are growing, fleeting, or part of a whole.

“What if we are the ones in jail”

“What if we are the ones in jail”

I read this in a book recently. The idea that we are stuck in a society, which itself may be the jail. The rules put upon us, the levels of threat we are alerted to, the regulations government deems fit, the taxes we pay.

But what if we break it down to a fundamental of human moral, Truth. We live in a society in which the truth is always one step out of our grasp. One can even assume that levels of the truth do not exist for any one person. Although we all put our trust in one person. That person being our president. But the presidency is made up of people and organizations. The president himself probably probes for the truth. He may have sat in that room the first day of his presidency where they revealed the secrets of the world to him, yet someone in the next room probably held their own secret which was passed to another office and so on. The secrets become a game of telephone. They change and fall far from the truth.

Our world is an evolution yet we have so many implementations of rules and governing ideals that are not updated to go with our evolution, because we are too busy trying to make the first set of rules work.

Technology itself is an example of how we have trouble keeping up with ourselves. An 85 year old man would look at an idea like twitter and laugh himself to sleep. Is it because we are not accustomed to knowing the world around us in truths, but snippets, and “Good Media”.

The introduction of money into any society causes there to be competition, often considered to be good, but also a key factor in changing the rules of engagement. This could be as simple as buying an apple at the market to launching an attack on foreign soil. So maybe we should put ourselves into the situations we often wonder the truth about. We should become soldiers… but a soldier will form his own truths from what he sees. What he sees may be part of the telephone game, where the people he encounters got the wrong message, skewing his truths off center.

So when do we get to know the truth, is it when we die and go to heaven we can look down and see all the answers? Or is it giving up on actively working toward the truth to fall into faith.

Faith gives us a chance to forget the truth and hope for a reality. It cleanses us from our own lies. Not to say faith is not helpful to bring the miracles within a person to the surface, but when as a nation we default to it 7 out of 10 times, you start to wonder if we are being passive with our own existence.

Under God we Trust, yet we will not trust the stranger next us, an embodiment of god, with our money, our families, or our well being.

When will we take an active role in our own lives, when will our questions or concerns, truly be answered? Does our own evolution stunt our ability to ask questions, because as they are asked they change in context?

We hold truth close to our hearts, we value it as a moral, yet we turn a shoulder when the lies are not prominently in front of us. We do not ask when they are not shown to be or are part of our lives; when the lies are a bill of congress not being updated with the times, or the times breaking a good bill of congress.

I often ask myself what it would be like to know the entire truth, and I often imagine it would hurt or turn me insane.

Would I rather go on living in this world which could be the “jail itself” as the author wrote, with my luxuries and comforts, or on the edge of insanity, everyday having to digest the truths of the world, the truths as they forge themselves in time.

This feels like a movie… Perhaps I shouldn’t want it to.

To be in the relationship where you can compare it to a movie, I know I have felt it, experienced it.  But to reflect on the basics of a movie, you would assume perhaps this is not the “perfect” relationship at all. Perhaps if your relationship reminds you of a movie it is because you remember it like a movie, only savoring the exact edits. You pass the in between time with cuts. A slideshow of a period of time, pictures a day, with the proper filters on them to give them the film feel. Somehow even though the normal everyday life may be normal and not out of the ordinary, with the right color correction and depth of field you miss the world around anything that may seem perfect.  Instead of the feeling of bliss when your relationship turns into a movie, moment after moment, it should be a warning that you are only watching the highlights of a complete picture. I mean that is what a movie is comprised of, the perfect moments, good and bad, dramatized for the passing of time, or the emotion needed for portrayal of character.

A movie is easy to critique or judge, but ever decision every day, takes an open mind. One that can look past the personal opinions buried inside yourself. Yet at the same time it becomes a balance of your own opinion mixed with feelings depending on the sleep you had, what you ate, and that of the people around you. Life itself can often fall into a script like approach, revision after revision. The apprehension to improv alone stands in your way.

So perhaps it is a mastery only befitting of a surrounding in which there are no movies or editing techniques to compare to. A world based on the truth around you, not the truth you use to karmic-ly get through the day.  A place where your own perfection cannot exist because the only perfect is the days you spend living. Even this, as I write is influenced by the perceptions put forth around me, prideful or filled with humility.

So tonight I look forward thinking back upon the old relationships and moments in time I had where I thought things felt like a movie and realize, I probably don’t want a movie. If I only have fragments of time with years skipped in between due to the time constraints of an audience, I myself am not giving life itself enough care. My mind will then be unable to mature and reflect as well as see my steps I take ever breath of the day.

I cannot skip chapters in my life, because there is no rewind, but there is definitely a fade to black.

A metaphor that perfectly sums up how I think.

I stress this: HYPOTHETICAL Situation:

“Meeting a pretty girl”

One thought (you would think this would be multiple, I’ll get to that later) that is pretty common place for me, would be marriage, if my family would like hers, if she is playing hard to get, if so.. should I ask her to be open to the idea of a more European approach and just tell me what’s on her mind about me… Would she then be put off by that because it forces her to think of a place that wasn’t NOW and is more planned. I have an idea that people are on different timelines of life and sometimes because of that, you miss your opportunity to be that person they are interested in because your day felt longer than theirs. I feel that sometimes it is more safe to put in all your effort into a person even if you are not quite sure without saying anything because you never know what may trigger the “moment”. However I get tired of it. I give a lot of myself for people close and important to me, and like school I didn’t like to give my all unless I was invested. So I think it should be ok to ask for that simple, “Yes I would like to see where this goes” as the collateral for that investment. I don’t invest my LOVE so to say in all of the above. I am very interested in seeing the person for them and what they are and how we are together before I would even think of those thoughts more than a passing metaphor.(see below) But even though they seem like common thoughts, they are given too much water and often sink the boat.

To get to the idea of all those thoughts being one:

The metaphor for this would be simple. It isn’t a novel I’m thinking it is like a gentle breeze or a bee flying by your ear. BUZZZZ, freak out, then poof gone.

However everyone around you, because they didn’t see the bee, is thinking you are nuts and freaking out.

It is hard to explain that such thoughts can fly through the mind so quickly and they are not NEEDS, WANTS, they are just inquisitive ideas. Many guys will not admit they think of things that have to do with the future with girls right off the bat, but with our culture and society the way it is today you would think that would be the first thing on everyone’s mind. Being a simplistic creature with a complex environment. The need for a mate and then the need for all the socially acceptable balances to that, probably get thought of more than we think.

What gets me is when it is talked about, the person who talked first has to wait in anticipation to see if that person takes their questions as ultimatums or just as they are, open air conversation that people seem to be squeamish about. I am not saying I want to plan a romantic night or a spontaneous moment, I am saying it is nice to have that feeling that the other side, is reciprocating on the same level as you with what you are thinking or at least is open to the idea.

So I suppose I just open more questions with this, but I often hope someday someone will accept the urges to talk rather than living too much in the mysterious moment that, quite frankly makes for good moments, but not good lasting memories. I would prefer my stories be those of generations and not of, “oh man you remember when we” coffee conversation.

I wonder perhaps it comes with age. Or perhaps it is a specific trait I look for and should not expect it in all places and hold it high on the MY NEEDS list.

The perfect explanation

Its funny I was going to write this whole thing but ended up talking about it instead. i just found this again and realized, as it is it was perfect for how the feelings were..

What do you inspire me to write?

I could write about the way your lips feel different than anyone elses before.

I could write about your eyes or your hair or just your smallest smirks and sniffles.

But then I could write about how I feel like I have been damaged.

Driving home it was strange I looked back at my most recent relationship and realized I

didn’t know what I wanted as much as I …

I like you
Scared.

Numb – Movie Review with a dash of Personal Life Association

I just watched the movie numb. It was a combination of cheesey romance with some very close to home plot lines. One was the idea of rectifying things with family members. It was amazing to see the character have the same need for a simple acknowledgment of things that had happened when he was a kid, with his mom. I think personally this was very true because we don’t need to dwell on the past but it is nice to know there is the joint acknowledgment that it was not the right thing to do. Often parents will say “is that what you wanted me to say” in a way where usually you would be guilted to saying no, but this time in the movie and before in MY life I have said yes.

I have been through those times where I had to go back to everyone in my family to try to find solace for myself in my life. I had to dig through shitty times and bring up things you don’t want to talk about. And what did it ultimately fix? probably not too much, but amazingly enough it laid the ground work to 3 years later bring it up again and actually get something out of it.

Another very noticeable moment was that a lot of his life altering mind shit happened when he smoked pot. While his associative disorder was there already the pot brought it to the surface. I often feel I did the same thing with my panic attacks. It was actually really scary when it happened and without knowing I had panic attacks my entire life I thought I may have broke myself after that one night. It turns out when I really looked back after really getting panic attacks for the first time, I was getting them my whole life, i was just unaware of what caused it or what it was. There was soo much thaty contributed(aspartame in diet soda, brand new diet, my body changes, being on my own etc etc) to my panic attacks finally surfacing that i know it wasn’t just one night of pot, but it was always in the back of my head. A panic attack to me is often associated with nausea, so feeling sick non stop for a few months later was quite the adventure, and even if the pot didn’t trigger it I often think it helped to get it to the surface.

Recently I have been researching Salvia. I wonder what effect it would have on me since my mind seems to be very impressionable when it comes to that. I often wonder if smoking pot again or losing control of myself in that altered reality that Salvia can produce may fix things or let me expand creatively. I used to smoke pot to chill my brain out. My mind is always going a million miles a minute and smoking here and there used to give it a break, now that is gone.

While I don’t have what he has in this movie I have often found myself unable to explain taking a medication or going through these things to others who haven’t had it or something in that area of shit. It is as if you are looked at differently or down upon for not having your shit together. I was always against drugs but I had to take some to get from day to day when the panic got bad, and all it did was equalize me not change me or make me tired or drugged. When you have a chemical in your head working against you putting on in to fight it makes it better. yes if you take this drug without the bad shit in you you are liable to fall asleep.

It is also amusing that this guy lived in LA and would fly back to his roots. To me the move to California was definitely and still remains to be one of the most challenging parts of my life. When you see a movie trailer for chihuahua’s you don’t realize if you live on the east coast that that shit is AIMED at the west coast and speaks very true to the culture. When you live here and realize what it means, it is almost a slap in the face of reality. I am not saying I shouldn’t be grateful for the opportunities out here, but one cannot deny simple truths, that east and west are WAYYY different, and there is some negative connotations toward both from both.

I do know this however, I love the people around me who give me support and love.

Anyway I am wayyy off topic.

I would say check this movie out if you have ever had some sort of mental state that wasn’t normal, check it out if you like a cheesey love story, and also check it out if you like slower movies with pretty solid acting. I enjoy that the director was able to embodies a feeling in the way he did, even if some of the vices(in a bathtub with a washcloth over your head) are a bit cliche.

Because believe it or not, I bet some of these, as cheesy as they are, ring true.

Sensory Memory Overload.

It was in front of my face this whole time and yet it took a quiet night in the hottub tonight to figure it out.

All around was sandstone bricks, beach chairs, the sound of the waterfall, and a very warm evening. Warm glows from the under lit palm trees enveloped my vision. Beautiful tropical leaves and foliage covered over my head. The sky was clear enough to see a star or two. It was truly breathtaking. The smells in the air as the gentle breeze whisked them all into my nose brought up a sensation of vacation.

This is the key word here: vacation.

Since my move I have always said going to the beach or smelling the ocean at work even the constant sun has made me remember to all the vacations I would take as a child. Why didn’t I put this together sooner however is beyond me.

For me, the sensation of vacation has always been complete when I knew I had a week or two where I had no worries, school was out, or whatever it may be, but it allowed me to relax.

Now imagine being born on the east coast where the sensations of the area where I live, Orange County, mix with the feeling of a 24 hour vacation without the ability to relax because of work or other things we have to do when we are on our own.

Sensory Memory Overload.

I already have a hard time just relaxing unless I know I have no worries for at least a week, if not more.

I would go to the beach house that my Uncle had built and only when I knew I could throw all my worries aside could I truly relax. Knowing I had 10 days and 8 of them could be me just sitting at the beach not having to look at the clock for when I had to go was heaven.

While sitting outside today, I realized I couldn’t necessarily relax even though my environment was triggering all the sensations of a place to relax in.
While I find some true beauty in what is around me, it is this engrained feeling of vacation when I see palm trees or sand or smell the ocean salt that causes me to have a hard time relaxing on a day by day basis. You would think this would help since it is related to vacation, but when I know I cannot take that week or two it is difficult.

Then I realized, my vacations these days are traveling back to the east coast to see friends the city and family. There is one problem, I am going back to a sensation of work, school, and my bringing up for relaxation when in all reality I used to go to places like California to relax. It is a strange switch.

No real answer to any of this, nor a real problem so to say, just a realization.

“Relationships are best measured by Farting.”

“The stages of a relationship can be defined by farting.
Stage 1 is the conspiracy of silence. This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend that they have no bodily waste. This illusion is very quickly shattered by that first shy ‘ooh did you fart?’ followed by the sheepish admission of truth. This heralds a period of deeper intimacy, a period I like to call the “fart honeymoon”, where both parties find each other’s gas just the cutest thing in the world. But of course no honeymoon can last forever. And so we reach the critical fork in the fart. Either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarrass, thereby signifying true love or else, it begins to annoy and disgust, thereby symbolizing all that is blocked and rancid in the formly beloved.”

The feeling of butterflies in your stomach

It has been 2 years and 7 months since I have moved to California. I got in my car today as I went to leave a bit early from work and realized, even though I haven’t really had a moment to de-crunch my brain from the last few months of work I couldn’t think of another place I would want to be.

The difference between this and say college, about 3 years into college I was wondering why I was still there and kinda wanted to drop out, but I have this need to follow through and finish things I start. But the difference is definitely in the idea that this job grows and adapts with me (not how I wanted to word it but can’t figure out a better way to). It is always pushing me and it allows things to not be stagnant. Sometimes I feel a bit of overwhelming-ness from the idea that the technology and things in my job are a lot like in scrubs(which btw for some reason season 1 and 4 have had a lot of shit that related to my life lately) where in medicine you have to always keep up with it to work day to day, always learning something new. It is so important though to remember back to your roots or as I like to say “grass- roots” lol

This last week has consisted a lot of those moments when your stomach moves into your mouth as you open up or say things that may not be the easiest to talk about. It started with the ex girlfriend as I finally had to make the decision to not pursue a relationship anymore and we would have to just go down the path as friends from here on out. It was the first time I was able to talk face to face with her about issues like these and it was gut wrenching. All I wanted to do was to comfort her but I knew all I was doing was making it worse, not per-say with my being there but more of the fact that I wasn’t going to change my mind. I believe it was the best decision for both of us and thankfully we are still on good terms. But it is never easy. I do wonder how able I am personally to be friends immediately after something like this. I do wish however in those last moments with someone, that the person I am with, be it a relationship that is working or not, would not say “Then why did you show me this, or say this to me, or open up about…” I just wish there would be an understanding that, yes a relationship or the process of making one, means opening up, bringing someone else into your life. It may hurt if it doesn’t work, but I would rather take that hit then to think I didn’t give it all I had. I don’t know if it is just a moment of weakness or a generic response that has been engrained via our living cultures, making us say these types of things, even if under our breath or nonchalantly as a closing argument, or a jagged thought being thrown at you mid sentence. Then the question of “why” always comes up.

Sometimes the why is not an answer and it is just the hardcoded personalities of the people the involved, and a question that shouldn’t be asked nor answered. If one person is not happy regardless of the love the other one will show the two will never be happy together.

Movies often show the idea that two people need to work on a relationship or there are ups and downs. Of course there are, but it is that dying need to yell out and say something when something isn’t working that keeps those together. If one person doesn’t feel like standing up and yelling out, the likelihood is, the movie is just a commercial.

Two of my friends said two important things to me this week. One was, “If someone respects both themselves and the person in front of them they will probably leave rather than drawing out a heart wrenching moment, as long as that moment isn’t needed to further the development.”
I loved how that sounded but also know as much as that probably would have been a good approach with the above, at the same time this was sort of needed in a way. I can’t justify it completely yet, but relationships and emotions are some wacky things. When I was talking to my dad about a relationship my little sister was in, that I thought was not good for her and even she said it wasn’t. My dad listened to some of my experiences, to just let her experience them without too much interjection on his part. I mean once you break up with a guy or girl for the first time, especially in highschool you are going to get back together but it will never be the same from that point on and the chances of it working are probably much much lower, you will always remember why you broke up with that person but it will become muddled as time goes on, forcing you to get nitpicky and then you get confused and then you need to get out, or you will go insane, not because there isn’t emotion or love, but because it just doesn’t work, our instincts are amazing things when clearly infront of us. And amazingly enough a few weeks later he said: “Perhaps you should take some of your own advice” and click it made sense, had I thought of it already, yes, but I still couldn’t figure out how to make it work. It was just amusing to hear that. Anyway rant over…

The second thing was, “My ex got a book about self personalities etc to figure out why she went back to an old girlfriend that she wasn’t happy with” My response was, sometimes even with a book or help people will not always change or can’t, and then she said, “Yes but if a person wants to change for themselves the odds are much higher”. It just struck a nice chord with me. Self examination is healthy and while we may not be able to find the answers or read the books to get it all worked out, figuring out even just that on your own is important.

(all the above is very paraphrased if I quoted btw)

Time has a tendency to catch up with you. For me it was the fact that over two and a half years ago I moved from NYC/NJ with my family and my constant, almost unlivable panic attacks disappeared with it. Be it the move, the change of company, or just the idea that my brain was too busy with the new challenge put forth to really feel them anymore is up for grabs. But what I do know is that time has caught up to me again. I once again feel the benefits of my .25 mg of Klonopin actually working when I am on a crunch for 2 days straight, especially when my brain is too tired to battle the panic without me. Now this is for you people who don’t understand medication. This stuff doesn’t change who you are or make you weird it just allows you to get from day to day normally like you should. I will tell you I am the first person to tell a doctor to fuck off with medicine but when I started this shit I needed to function day to day and couldn’t without it. Now it is just one of those things that is hard to stop due to the medical addiction it causes. SO back off : )

So I may ask, so what if I have had a few panic attacks again, no biggy it is the stress and lack of sleep. But truthfully I have this feeling it is something more. I feel like things in my past are going to need to be addressed one day and I believe I only got away from it for a little bit when I moved. About this many years into college is when I really started to get panic attacks for the first time in my life, although looking back I have gotten them since I was young just not as pronounced. One may argue the one time I smoked pot with my friend back home, I rewired something chemically in my body that this started to happen, or one could argue that the freedom of college and living on my own allowed me time for me and with that came good and confusion leading to panic. It seems like a very giant coincidence that the same time as in college but now on my own in California that I would start to feel the same thing, but not as strong because now I know how to work with it.

My brain over the last few years has rewired itself so much. I almost didn’t believe it was possible. I used to think that experience and age had nothing to do with each other, but when you hit a certain age and things start to happen physically and mentally to you, you realize it is truer than ever. Age 20 I had a huge one and age 24 was another one and will be for a few more days.

It isn’t that you change terribly or things go down the wrong path, it is just life catching up to you. And facing life is definitely strange. I remember a teacher talking about soul searching with us and told us how some people do it for a lifetime. I think the soul searching he is talking about has a lot to do with these changes. They force you to see things in your life you may otherwise not have been aware of.

Things at work are really good right now. But there were still certain loose ends. That is where butterflies number 2 came from. I have had these moments where everything is good and BAM I get the stomach feeling and regardless of the conversation with the person, I HAVE to say what is on my mind. The second one didn’t go as I had planned and the words in my head got very garbled when they finally came to fruition. I hope it didn’t make anything worse but I don’t think it did. I just wish I could have said things more in line with the way I felt them rather than a stumbled approach. I wish there was some sort of acknowledgement that I helped them with certain things in their life when they were down. At some point that was forgotten and my own abilities and creativity got lost or ignored. I wish I could say that sometimes I am scared of the conversations they have with other people in my life because I feel like I will get bullied for a misconception. Other than that though I think things are heading in a good direction and the future is bright there. It just sucks for me when I have to think of these things and not want to say anything when that is how I deal with shit. Although I do know sitting back is going to be the good thing to do in this case. I think things are getting better but I also think there will be bumps along the way. But my best approach right now is to not offend when they can be easily offended and just let it be. Although knowing me I will not. However I have to figure out when I do object to my own idea here, that I do not sabotage something so important to me.

We talked again, haha told you I wouldn’t wait lol, and I think it was much better this time. We are headed in a good direction it was really cool to talk about a color concept of an idea we are working toward. As well we chatted about all in the above including way past things. It seems that would be butterflies number 4 but this time there were no butterflies. It was just easy to do and went really well. While other things came up that might bothered me a little I think I can blame it on the mind of a kid not being able to hold back and once it realized the food was worse with ketchup it just ate without it.

Back when I was a child there are some things that may still be haunting me and while I don’t dwell on the past, sometimes when it comes up, it is good to climb the stairs to see what is up there, and hey if you don’t make it all the way up, try again when you need to. It scares me that sometimes I can feel like my mother did in this one memory I have of a good ole childhood whoopin’. While yes this is probably not a scar for life I sometimes wonder when I have felt that loss of control to the point of tears and screaming why this is happening and why even though it is wrong it feels exhilarating. So my past is somewhere I have to dive into now, part of the stairway I have to climb again to fully let things move on or be at ease for the time at hand. And that is where butterfly 3 came from. I talked to my mom and she finally admitted to certain times when she did lose control and was sorry for certain mistakes. It was the most amazing thing that almost brought me to tears, but it is so strange how I will be talking about something completely different and moments later I have butterflies like I would get if walking up to a complete stranger and asking them on a date, but unlike the date I have to speak my mind and can’t back out. But it was amazing to finally hear her tell me the truth. I had tried to approach this once before and it was a crash and burn nightmare. Nothing was talked about, lots of crying and screaming, and no one would tell the truth. This was calm and composed and really felt right for the time. And it was definitely an eye opener to think yes there may be some bad shit due to the divorce on that side but man there is two sides and my anger toward my dad in that situation was pretty intense. I remember screaming and trying not to go with him when before the divorce he was my hero. So there is a double edged sword there.

Now something important here is that my family is the world to me and these are just moments in time, since I am posting this publically I think that should be pointed out. Shit could have turned out MUCH WORSE. And shit even this ain’t bad : P

It is just weird that I never really looked at it that way until now, that both sides really hurt me and there was a lot of anger and rage to both.

It was nice to chat with my dad this week as well and he told me of some of the ways he sabotaged some places he worked back in the day, and I definitely need that reminder here and there so I can try to be very aware of that so not to do the same. The whole expression “hitting a wall” used to have a lot of meaning to me cause I would do it a lot or he would at least say I would, so regardless of the truth of the matter or if it is just one of those parental irks, I keep an eye out so not to do it. He also talked about how when I moved out of my mom’s when I was younger to live with him it was like living with his own dad and since his dad had died he never had to learn how to deal with his dad but through me he learned. It was quite interested, a little creepy but interesting non the less.

I told my sister a moment of weakness of mine and that was butterfly 1.5 (earlier on) and she takes the approach that I should probably talk to someone again and life is just catching up with me. I have no problem with this but finding that right person to talk to is tough. I met one therapist once who said to me, your past is your past let’s talk about today and if the past comes up we deal with it then. That was awesome. But then I left for California. So I am trying to contact her again to tell her, the past has come up again. My sister also believes perhaps hypnotism, but there are two things here: I am not sure I can be hypnotized, and secondly I am not sure I am ready for any surge of bad shit although after talking to so many people this week I feel like the bad may not be as big as I thought. Well I guess there is a third thing that scares me about that, I don’t want a doctor to implant some fucked up childhood bs into my head because he/she thinks they know the answer. It is amazing how many therapists I have met that are very bad judges of character.

I think the oddest thing of all is that my life is heading in a direction of change or clean up. I am quitting smoking again on Monday and luckily so is half the department and so that will make it a bit easier but I think the quitting for me isn’t as scary, it is what damage are left behind when I stop that scares me.

At the same time since Paris I have started to gain weight again due to not working out so I have to fix that too because when I quit I will gain weight as well. Although I did notice I am not gaining wight just losing definition. That is a positive to that.

A lot of the time it is better to tackle one thing at a time but I don’t believe my life will allow for one thing at a time. I think right now I need to work on a few things all at once and just take the hit for it. I think it will end up giving light much softer than a train at the end of the tunnel.

So what, am I fucked up? Nah I think I just like things to feel right in my life and while my childhood was probably better than a lot and I have loving parents who support me and a good groups of friends I still need to tackle the areas that are grey. I mean there is a whole chunk of memory gone from my childhood that no one can figure out as to why.

Speaking of good friends, that is another thing I am constantly working on. The ability to really take AND give in a friendship. There are soo many people I love to death but it feels more like an acquaintance. I have always had trouble finding time to give to friends or multiple people. I think a hello here and there isn’t always enough. I know those really close to me understand I drop off the face of the planet for years or months at a time and they will always be true friends but I do want to find that highschool like friendship again (not the empty superficial part) with people around me, someone to really go do stuff with or nothing at all. Although then again highschool vs working and living on your own, allows for much less time. Just another learning experience.

You may ask why write all of this on a public blog? Why not? If there is one thing I learned in Paris it is that I am always just going to speak my mind and infront of anyone I feel comfortable doing it with. And dammit I am pretty damn comfortable with pretty much anyone knowing stuff about me.

I think Shakespeare helps guide this as well for me. Often the truth is not something to be addressed but as the fool you can speak the truth in a jest to feel out how much you can get away with actually saying. I don’t just spout off things to people randomly, thought goes into it. It is really an amazing thing how much the mind can think at once before you put it to words or text. But when it comes to shit like this why not just say it. “Cooperate” often won’t allow you to speak everything but personal allows for it every time.

A strange little quirk I seem to have adapted is when I get weirded out or feel self conscious I tilt my head down into my neck. I think it may have to do with the weight issue and feeling a little self conscious about it, so regardless of the feeling and for what, that manifests itself into the physical display of feeling off. I also kinda feel myself falling back into the averting my eyes from people if I want to look which was less in Paris. I remember when a random guy said good evening to me when we met eyes in passing. Something about his words seemed more sincere than perhaps a “hey what’s up” like we often say to one another in passing here. I will be working on keeping that confidence just to be able to look do those things I would WANT to do in akward situations. I kept a lot of it when I got back and I will do my best not to fall back into the old way of it. I mean what should be so scary about starring back at a person if they are starring at you, or going up to someone if you need to ask them something or wonder where they got an article of clothing, etc. I mean ever caught eyes with a pretty girl and you both look away, now try that situation again and just look at her and then perhaps say hello, and hey here is an idea stop walking and see if she would like to chat : )

Overall things are good. I still need to find a way to release this last few months in preparation for the next project but I think I am working it out and those around me are accommodating of it. But I will probably not be able to get where I would want to be but that is ok, there is time later 😛 (famous last words)

I don’t argue for the sake of arguing I usually just want to flesh out every angle first. I often wish I could plug someone into my brain for a minute to let them know everything I am. The idea of writing a book one day intrigues me, and the more I think about it, the less I think I could dictate it and rather in my own mysterious way I would have to write my riddles one by one and give my approach to the entire thing in order for it to be true to me. Grammatical errors and all. < – – – see what I did there?

I swear even if the butterflies aren’t in the form of having to talk to someone I have been having them a lot even when just sitting by myself or sleeping, in the bath, or working. It probably has to do with not relaxing so well or having the mindshare to even do so, but then again I have always been pretty bad at relaxing, and I don’t smoke anymore so I have no excuse to randomly kill brain cells to force myself to chill out anymore lol. Anyway, haha, I think this is going to be a challenge ahead of me. But one step at a time with many different directions right now.

Cause it is my entry i can make another way i like this to be said:
(I swear even if the butterflies aren’t in the form of having to talk to someone I have been having them a lot even when just sitting by myself or sleeping, in the bath, or working. I think this is going to be a challenge ahead of me. But one step at a time with many different directions right now.)

There are some things in here that are a bit generalized etc but there still are some things I don’t feel comfortable just sharing with the whole world. Good or bad. And the reasons for it are my own. So if it doesn’t make sense there may be a reason.

This blog is difficult to post because it has been written over the course of the week. Almost like a way of de-toxing from the things around me, but there seems to be something new to add every day this week. So perhaps I shall call this blog: The feeling of butterflies in your stomach, up to August 17th. Because I am not going to add anything tomorrow because it is my Birthday and I want to just chillax with my friends and self. So HAA to you blog!

Found the quote from scrubs I paraphrased in here:

Dr Cox: Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.

We never grow up

When you are 90 you will still curl up in a ball like a child if you are in pain. The bucket list did a good job at portraying that.

We get more responsibilities but we still have our core emotions and insecurities.

It is amazing how we go through complete rewirings as we get older. So i have heard it gets easier as you get older.

But then again will it ever be easy? We just have to climb those stairs one at a time and sometimes just step off and sleep on that floor for a little.

Is your life moving on the same timeline as mine?

I swear depending on where you are in life your life moves at different speeds. Ever have a dream and wake up instantly? Ever have a dream that lasted days?But in reality it was still the same time period in terms of a clock time. Now apply that same idea to a job or a year of life. How fast did your week feel? How long did the last few years feel? If I felt like my week sped by and you felt it crawl by does our perception of time actually change how we would see each other? If I said I will talk to you in a week and my week flew by but yours was drawn out, would you feel like I was ignoring you or as if you needed to find someone else to talk to when it felt as though all I thought about was you?

Just some food for thought.

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