Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Category: Journal Entries (page 1 of 5)

In case I am in trouble – COVID19

I don’t suffer from depression. I do have anxiety. But that’s pretty under control. Since this pandemic has continued on and seeing how it is going to be continuing for a very long time from here has anyone been getting more and more.. claustrophobic about life?

It’s hard to explain but it feels like hopelessness filled with a difficult ability to breath at times. Like the need to cry a dry heave kinda cry. No tears.

Where you feel uncomfortable anyplace but home but at home you feel trapped and constricted by the life choices that lead you to where you are now, looking at how your life is going to change going forward without even having gotten your life together yet…

Wondering is this going to waste the good years of life here causing the future to be even more grim.

I tell ya what, I can’t sleep as much and I certain to hell cant sleep at a normal hour. And I can’t motivate to workout or do a zoom class.
I’m fired up about our politics and reform the country needs but even that makes me at times just want to bail on this country and move elsewhere when I see how bad it is and has been and is getting.

But the main issue I’m having is more and more often my mind gets blanked and I just feel empty and hopeless laying in bed having difficulty seeing the next steps, scared shit of getting this virus knowing in this mental state I’d crack.
Like I got 2 mental reprieves by visiting my parents over the last month but those were short lived and felt almost more depressing to me because they are “day trips” with masks and social distance. I know no matter what I’m stuck where I am. Unable to really move to the next steps of life. Questioning all the steps I took to get here. I can look for new apartments but making life changing choices where money is called into question and future job opportunities will be affected is kinda like asking a drunk to “just go to rehab”. It isn’t that I don’t want the help it is that I am crippled to the point of not knowing how to use the help when I don’t know if it won’t just fuck me in the future. I already get overwhelmed in a normal world when looking for places to live. But making it during a pandemic… I start mentally shaking.

So I am stuck in this apartment where I am surrounded by people which was fine until people became walking viruses. Stuck without an outdoors or yard. Which was fine if someone walked by me on the sidewalk until they became walking viruses without masks. And before I had to worry about who touched the front doorknob. Stuck with my cats that I love and have probably gotten me further without the feeling of being completely alone, but also are the reason I couldn’t quarantine with family and am alone during this pandemic.

Anyone in this boat with me? The question all of life boat with a side of hopelessness that feels extremely scary? It’s like the feeling that you are falling off a cliff and you can’t see the bottom so you will fall indefinitely until it just goes dark. Or the feeling of fear. Just irrational coming from nowhere fear. So powerful

It makes you want to scream or cry just to make it feel less intense. That moment right after a nightmare that jolts you awake. Yup. That is some depressing shit there. But I needed to say it out loud Incase I’m in trouble and don’t realize it. Thanks for listening.

A small reprieve – COVID19

My mom and step dad had me over for the Fourth of July. It was awkward and strange and alien like any other social distancing meeting since covid. Afraid to touch things they may touch. Washing hands constantly. Dodging out of the way of each other.


This is the first time I saw them. We talked outside on the porch, had dinner, and played a word games. We also talked about the world and the shit of the news as it is hard not to.
Sitting outside is something I have only done one other time when I visited my dad for Father’s Day also socially distanced where I balled my eyes out being the first time I left the house because it was so overwhelming. Even here I had a lump in my throat for majority of the time like I wanted to cry just because this isn’t normal.


But…


They bought some fireworks like we used to do when I was a kid. Little ones not the professional grade but non the less I loved them because they were mine to light as a kid if I was safe. They all said “emits showers of sparks” and we always had the running joke “oh. What does this one do? Emits showers of sparks..”


So we started to get ready on the driveway with our little baby fireworks (which I love) and I have never heard a fantastic display of pure explosive power around us like I have today. Hundreds of professional fireworks being lit off by their neighbors and people around the town. It sounded like a battle field.


It was a perfect exclamation of how everyone feels in this country on a day special to this country. It was like all the frustration being exploded at once in fiery glory.
So we began lighting our little ones emitting showers of sparks, some where amazingly fun and some where laughable. But we watched and enjoyed each one for what they were. My mom and step dad sitting and enjoying the show. Me the maestro of the sparks!


Even the neighbors looked out their window at our show like they did when I was a kid.


Me saving the biggest firework for the end as a “finale”. They came outside and clapped as we finished and I danced around the driveway with a sparkler.
As we turned the lights on and began cleaning up the dead fireworks littering the driveway my mom said “ya know, for the first time, I forgot about COVID”


And ya know what. It’s true. With the combination of explosions all around and that nostalgia of these showers of sparks. For that moment as small as it was the world was normal again. And the shit was washed away. So thank goodness for the little moments in these big moments of shit.
I love you all and love ya mom. Thanks for having me today and letting me do my laundry too hah. It’s important to have these “breath” moments. I didn’t realize until I didn’t have them. Now I savor these tiny moments which are in reality the important “big” moments.


Now I am sitting on their hammock writing this looking at the sky before I drive back to my cats and apartment confinement again. But right now I feel relaxed.

Addendum:

I seriously want to know why my pandemic looks and feels so much different than others pandemics. I haven’t hugged or kissed anyone. I haven’t touched anyone. I have socially distance hung out with 4 people total…. MY PARENTS. But with masks or outdoors with a lot of distance so I don’t accidentally, I dunno KILL THEM. But here I see, beach bbqs, families partying, friends hugging. No masks and smiles shining. Am I missing something?!

I see Instagram story updates, in person studio photoshoots, etc… I am sitting here selling fucking digital items in a video game because I can’t do my real job, posting photo-shoots from before march to stay relevant(if that even matters in this new world).Why am I putting in the effort to keep you safe if you don’t seem to give two flying shits about me?

I mean I am even embarrassed to tell someone if I got too close or someone wrapped me in a blanket to give me a hug before I broke. When there are others who have no regard for any of it, denial maybe is their coping, but it has major consequences for the rest of us.

A flower with more than pretty colors – COVID19

The significance of this flower is hard to explain.

Today was the first time since the virus I made contact (socially distanced and with masks) with one half of my family.

I seized up in tears within seconds of being there. The weight of the last three months crashing down and the next months to come.

This was a flower on their patio where I sat and just enjoyed the breeze and chatted. I didn’t have to worry about the people without masks bumping into me. I didn’t have to stare at the same walls again. I got to interact and be a semi human.

I ran around their driveway with my arms in the air like a little kid doing an airplane. Because I could. Because I don’t have a driveway. Because I felt free.

Sometimes I feel like, when I see these photos and videos of people going to bars and beaches that I am living a different pandemic then others. And it makes it hard. But today was a beautiful moment. Albeit hard and emotional. It was a much needed breather for the brain. Happy early Father’s Day.

Individually together, we can change the world!

If you think the protests are not fluidly expanding on #allblacklivesmatter you are deaf to the situation of the country.

For the last 3 months and continuing, we are facing a pandemic that our government is in charge of protecting the people from. The people are in charge of their own selflessness and ability to protect their neighbor of course(which is proving to be difficult for some however also adding to the strife). But because of the gross negligence of our government that has bankrupt and put so many people on the streets and in a disproportionate way based on income and race, the tinderbox that is currently the United States is burning. George Floyd was the spark in a very very dry environment.

It took a Pandemic to make people realize, the American Dream is a pipe-dream for most. Instead 99% are put on the hamster wheel that turns concrete for the bricks, paving the way for others dreams. That’s scary to awaken to. What started as a protest against Racism, turned into a riot against the monopoly on the American Dream. It allowed them to see the future. And the future is that they were lied to. In order to achieve the American dream they have to continue to be where they are. Because the American dream isn’t theirs to have but theirs to build for others. It has allowed these now pissed off Americans to see the injustice of race. It has allowed Americans to see the imbalance of power. It has allowed Americans to see the lack of leadership that our life’s depend on. Both from this pandemic and in George Floyd’s case.

So I plead with you, take all that anger, take all that new “woke-ness” and aim it toward a goal. Need a good target? The wallets and pockets of those in government that donor have our needs or best interests in mind. 

I agree with Obama (https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2020/6/1/21276918/obama-statement-protests-george-floyd-president-trump) on this point: we need to make these protests more targeted. Right now it has the possibility to just go back to the way it was all for naught. But if you have specific goals for your protests it can enable change. There are a few places listed here in this article. But in general a protest should have a clear goal in mind. We do not want this to be an “occupy Wall Street” moment we want this to change things. Have directions. And be followed through with.

Aim it at the people who can’t form a coherent sentence yet someone who is voted into power. I.E.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cesSRfXqS1Q

Aim it at the police needing reform and proper training.

https://twitter.com/chrvstel/status/1266897267157610498

Aim it at the education system needing to pay its teachers more so they feel rewarded to shape the world and not defeated for doing their jobs.

This is a monumental moment. We are shoulder by shoulder (hopefully with some social distancing) during a pandemic on the streets, unified for #allblacklivesmatter with the fire and rage of 3 months of being exposed to the cracks of our system with no true end in sight. Without a pandemic imagining this would be hard enough, but here we are; Together.

So my fellow human beings take this opportunity to enact change. Don’t let it push us back. Learn how much power you truly hold as an individual. Don’t wait for the next 3 generations of old white men with outdated ideas to die before you step up and change the world for what the current generations want. And the next generations need.

And while it may be smaller steps than we want with the only choice of leadership for the election hellish black or mediocre grey, take solace in the fact that as long as our president can make sound decisions and not tweet to instigate the anger and fear for his own benefit we can also vote for those around the president to keep the country in checks and balances.

But going forward we can also vote to change how the voting works in general. Moving away from the two party systems tug of war that accomplished very little but continues the cycle over and over that lines the pockets of those who work it. This isn’t a game where we pick teams and bet on the outcome. This is our lives. This is humanity. And for once we have a feeling of unity. Don’t let it fall to the side like it did after a few weeks after 9/11 and go back to hating each other.

Continue to fight for your neighbor and love your neighbor and work together with your neighbor to change the neighborhood for the better. Individually together, we can change that narrative and change the world. We just need to unite stronger than before and make the “demands” of our humanity loud and clear to those who are in power.

Update: 6/2/2020

This can’t be solved with a voting booth in months, this needs to be solved like any Strike has been treated: IMMEDIATELY with Leaders of these movements sitting down with leaders of the country and making compromises and decisions. Each one bringing to the table a very concise list of changes to end this. We are approaching a very nasty tipping point. Why is our president escalating this, making this type of action the response, versus TRUE action and HUMBLING THIS COUNTRY BY ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT’S FAILURES AND GROWING BETTER BY CHANGING THEM.
But what IS being created is a divide bigger than before, it is fear, anger, and hatred being spread. And this is how it ends up.
When the President needs to take a casual stroll to the church during a protest, and the cops smash the protesters with their shields and fire onto them so he can puff his chest, people think this is OK to do. So the people weaponize themselves.
The only way this makes change is with a voice and message and someone who can head the table to bring all the voices together. Currently it’s starting to look too much like occupy Wall Street. It needs a list of demands and a sit down with those it wants change from. However our president would never allow that. And now that people have died overnight today is going to be a very violent day.

You aren’t alone although it feels that way, during quarentine.

I posted this on social media because of what I have been observing. Some of the responses gave me hope, others baffled me. It did however inspire a much longer response as to why I would post this.

I wanna be clear I did not put this out there to ask for “permission” to break social distancing or quarantine.

I put this out there because as we get deeper into this thing, the “all for one one for all” that other countries have done feels like it is falling apart in america. It feels to me like everyone is out for themselves. And that is disheartening when you are doing everything you can to make sure others are safe even if I myself am lonely too.

I just can’t justify certain actions when it is obvious this virus is far from gone and this virus is far from normal and can have serious repercussions death being the most visible, but the unknown long term effects being the scariest.

“I probably have had it” is what I hear a lot, I get it. We all want to think we had it, we are the low percentage that will just breeze through it and won’t be a New York Times article.
But we really don’t know. We also don’t know what “having it” means for those around us in full yet.

So when I see a country that is being forced open now, throwing bodies at the virus in an attempt to save our economy, it freaks me the fuck out. And I have written about that: https://craftingworlds.com/unpopular-opinion-on-reality-covid19/

We are 1/3 of the worlds infections. We aren’t the WWII “allies” we are the worlds enemy. Not only that but we are fighting one another over stupid things like “I have to wear a mask”.
If you don’t believe this virus is real, look at Brazil right now. The mass graves will shock you into a reality check.

So I don’t mind being lonely, cooped up with my kitties, and gaining the covid 10. But I do mind feeling like I am doing it alone. That is why I posted this. To perhaps get some semblance of hope that I was not alone in a world that has shone a bright light on all the cracks and problems with the way we live.

The America our grandparents and parents grew up in is no longer great. There is no MAGA movement. There is just a lot of selfish acts that hurt not only our country but the world as we fail to move as a herd and end this quicker and efficiently. The self awareness to do one’s own risk assessment is muddied by “internet doctoring”, “conspiracy”, and “lack of self awareness”. This is a complicated puzzle and many people, like any highly critical moment, are frozen or ignoring the science behind the next steps. Instead of those who can navigate these situations better, being used as bridges and help for the gap of flight or fight, is it being looked at as weakness. We aren’t leaning on each other as much as we should, because it goes against the idea that we are the enemy to each other, even though the virus isn’t human, humans only carry it. Hard to wrap your head around what it means to contact trace someone and how you and their paths can lead to devastating consequences. So it is much easier just to assume you have had it and consider it over, when in fact, nothing really changed much from 3 months ago to today in terms of what is out there.

The graduating classes of COVID 19, I truly hope, this terrible experience makes them change the world for the better. Because right now, when human life < pieces of paper, there is a problem. When people are fighting to get back to the office where they complain 24/7 about how horrible it is because the government doesn’t help them, there is a problem. Where the world stage becomes a chess game of who will come out stronger after a pandemic, there is a problem.

So I sit here, I wear my masks, I social distance, and I just needed to hear from others, DITTO.

Unpopular Opinion on Reality: COVID19

All the stay at home stuff we just did, was for nothing. Due to our economy being the driving force of not only our livelihood, but the global economy. We need a healthy economy, not healthy people, because we created our society to be that way. Without a healthy economy we fall to other super powers like Russia or China. We are at “war” with money. And the ammunition is our lives.

Without a cure or a faster vaccine, in order to win the battle we need to work, as much as it goes against LOGIC.  Logic says we should continue the course, we should all shelter in place and wait until this disease kills itself(not so obvious for others who need their hair did…).

But here we are, a country, if you remove New York from the statistics, actually on the rise for new cases. We are poised to be the example of what happens when the virus runs rampant throughout an entire country.  Sweden times ten.

So what does this mean?

– Like any war: the lower class is going to get hit the hardest, like the Vietnam War where they signed up first. 

– We are going to lose many people to this virus. And that statement has a broader meaning: FROM THE VIRUS and CAUSED BY THE VIRUS. Those who die from infection and those who die from the side effects brought on by the virus: PTSD, Depression, Financial ruin, you name it. We have no idea the scope of how bad it really is yet. But it is bad.

– The United States is not currently becoming a fascist state or a big brother state, just look at what people will do to fight for their right to a hair cut on the stairs with their guns. We are a loud country, although complacent. (you want to see what we aren’t? Look at Russia currently and HOW China locked down Wuhan to begin with)

– We are going to take huge losses, economically, and in blood.

– Unlike other countries, we are admitting our infections, because we feed off negative news, the other countries hide this kind of shit.

– This may become like the flu and we will never beat it, and it will be the new reality. A vaccine is very important, especially with mutations, which could be positive if it breaks into weaker strains. We have to cut it off from our bodies.

– We are opening too soon, because the economy is more important than your life or my life and we will see a rise in cases. Especially for those states who didn’t get hit hard.

– It does feel devoid of an end.

– Our leadership is incompetent and it shows. We would need a president willing to jump on his own sword for the better of the country to make the hard decisions. Ha. Imagine that from our current one.

– If there was a divide before for political means, there is now a divide between back to workers and stay at homers. The economic divide is more obvious. We look at each other with judging eyes if you break 6 feet or don’t wear a mask. But we do it for the wrong reasons: Pride. Not well being.

– In certain states, there are speakeasy type businesses opening in locked down states. I have seen it myself with closed curtain salons being “open”. Because they will lose their business.

– Our economic relief is out of money, and the loops are nearly impossible to get through. So you can’t count on the government or your state to help you if you can’t work.

– You can’t change crazy people’s minds and because of democracy this faction of people are protected to walk off the cliff, problem is the cliff leads to the general population and more infections. 

– There is no filter anymore and everyone is an expert or filled with anxiety due to a massive influx of information. The measles, parents told their children they would be OK, protecting them from the hard reality. But now we have Google to slap us across the face anytime we want to be a masochist.

– There is a huge discrimination happening between humans on social distancing and proper etiquette as well as mask use-age. You have people literally killing one another over disagreements on these two things. And since people have heard “we flattened the curve” they believe it is over and Spring has sprung, thus ending all needs to do any of the above causing more strife.

The ULTIMATE CATCH 22: There is an endless loop happening, the Government can’t sustain unemployment for the lockdown and makes it very hard to get help for 80% of people, so people are fighting to work so they don’t lose their livelihood, which in turn can mean their lives. The government wants us to lock down in place and common sense says to do so too. This is not an option for too many people. The loud protestors holding their guns, are fakers, and bullshit. They don’t represent the families going broke under the stress of lack of financial support. And then you have those, like in 9/11, trying to make their riches larger in time of crisis. Shitting on the little guy. And then you have those who are trying to follow the rules but see how the rules are impossible to follow, as the infrastructure was so cracked to begin with it just crumbles under this kind of pressure.

The takeaway: We are going to fight the economic battle, not the human life battle. Our entire society is based on it. And that, for a lack of a better word, sucks. We are about to throw many people at the front lines of the virus, and see what happens, good or bad, and make decisions based off that. We could end up in another lockdown, but most likely not as it would cripple the remaining economy. And as much as I hate that we are slaves to the economy, we built this system and now have to deal with the consequences, and for many that means with their lives or the lives of those around them they will infect.

Side Note: We as a country need to take a good long hard look at the Billionare world. We need to start handing out plaques at the 999million mark and everything after that is put back into the system to help it. But don’t try to take the hard earned money of those under the 1%. That is when we become facist. We aren’t throwing the old into the streets and infecting them on purpose, we are not fascists. So stop with that tin foil hat shit. Are companies tracking us harder now? YUP. Have they always tracked us, YUP, but now they are making it public. So now is the time to try our best to regulate what they can do since it is in the open.

 

We did this. The COVID19 “American Dream”

We did this. This is our fault. We bred a society based off the simple idea that instead of taking action to better the world we take no action or only the actions that are perceived to run us up a corporate ladder that promises at the top you don’t have to worry about the people at the bottom forgetting your troubles and leaving them behind. The American Dream.

Problem is the Hamster wheel turns and turns and turns. But still doesn’t actually go anywhere until you realize; you have to get off it to go forward. But by that point you’re tired and have no energy to walk out of your cage. So you get back on and slowly turn the wheel as much as you can not because you want to, not because it’s right, but because it’s all you know how to do anymore.

The COVID19 pandemic didn’t create issues, it exposed every single crack and flaw in our system that we have been ignoring and sweeping under the rug for years, unintentionally or intentionally, for personal gain, or for denial. And not just in our system but in our humanity and societal built routines. On a normal day we convinced ourselves the rush to nowhere meant something. On normal days we ate the toll prices of exorbitant amounts of our salary because “one day we will make enough not to care”. On normal days we are too busy to care. On normal days we are too tired to invest a moment in considering our life choices and paths forward. On normal days we assume eventually we will beat the monetary game of life, and not have to take action now for our economic issues.

Guess what… normal life stopped, our brains got some time to breath, and we didn’t like what we saw in the mirrors. We are gluttonous stockpiling toilet paper for no reason other than fear. We are in dire need of that toll money we ignored and said nothing about as it kept going up and up, just to make rent now.

We have a system that will allow companies with millions and billions to apply for the same benefits as those small bodegas with one cat and one human running it.

We don’t care if that makes it so the small business dies because money runs out and the big company got it. I have been one of those people who applied for a business SBA loan as well as unemployment as a freelancer. I am also one of those people who has not received a stimulus, cannot lookup his stimulus due to the system not wanting to show me. I never do direct deposit because I always pay. I don’t get paid.

Then after the deal was written about the amount small businesses would get as stimulus, they changed it based on employees. So the guy with 9 employees gets the full 10k, 1k per employee, which destroys the impact of that check being helpful for a SMALL business in the first place. And on top of that the guy running a bodega who needs the whole 10k to even begin to cover the losses (if it is even enough) now only gets 1k because he owns it by himself. The logic is broken in so many way.

I did not receive business loan money due to it running out and when calling being told “we can’t lookup your claim number, we don’t have anyone’s” and being told to apply for pandemic unemployment by filling out normal unemployment which then denies you(rightfully so as a freelancer) and tells you to “click here” to fill out pandemic unemployment(which covers freelance) but re-routes you to regular unemployment. So for me, someone who was careful to have a saving, I can sit here and witness all the problems in the system and not lose my entire lively hood. I can take a huge hit but not go under. For those paycheck to paycheck, this is it. It is over for them. The government is happy to accept our checks for payments during tax season quickly, but when it comes to paying us…

Our own democracy is fucking us hard. Our representatives are fucking us harder. Our states are doubling down on how hard they can fuck us. When did the states get the right to overrule the federal governments? Because that is what they are doing here, taken federal bail outs for small businesses and changing the rules per state to fill their own coffers.

You should be as mad as Vic:

On top of all of this, instead of coming up with a plan to help those in need we continue to be lead by a leader who cares about his ratings and spreading misinformation and encouraging forms of disruption and action against what is considered “logic”, even if it is in the most fucked of circumstances.

I don’t understand how this of all things doesn’t strip him of his presidency.

It’s like having someone breaking your leg, then telling you to apply to be a surgeon so you can fix the broken leg when you graduate in 8 years, in debt. The broken leg is already here though, the pandemic is just making it clearer, we already ignored the cracks and problems in our system, so for now we are stuck with them to a point. But by god if we don’t learn from this and speak up now when people are trying to make sweeping changes to our countries that are in their own interests not those of the people. The wealth gap and poverty line is about to get 1950s NYC burning barrels, mugged on 5th ave bad. We are on the precipice of ending up in a dystopian future film where the streets are filled with adverts about credits and debt,

while above the smog and rats being skewed on sticks the flying cars park nicely next to the Hunger Games-esque rollers penthouse.

We can’t go back to the way it was. It is irresponsible to even do so. But our leader is telling people to break each other’s legs to distract from the already huge issue of not having enough doctors for all the other broken legs we’ve been hobbling on for the past multitude of years.

This insights protests from people who on a normal day are angry and bitching about going to work, but now are holding up their guns and yelling to get back to it. All while endangering the lives of themselves and others. All while yelling racial slurs.

This man summed it up better than I ever could have:

Meanwhile, other countries are fighting for change in their democracy properly, and with true purpose. Not the lack of hair salons open or their Starbucks name on the cup misspelled. All while maintaining social distancing. Trusting science but also believing in being heard and stopping the pandemic from creating an opportunity for corruption. Make masks. Make real changes. Help the country!https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/20/middleeast/israel-protest-social-distancing-intl/index.html

When a news anchor goes off on a rant like this, you know we have reached a new tipping point for what America even stands for, and I could give to shits if it is CNN or FOX, this is a HUMAN saying HUMAN emotional reactions to the current situation and that is real, that is what we the people feel. More people need to get this mad:

 

We see parents trying to get their kids through new online schooling only to realize how the education system we have was already the brainchild of a 1st graders science project, excess amount of glue and popsicle sticks poking out from every angle. Failing to actually stay together and in one piece. So of course a piecemeal adhoc system wasn’t going to work when the education system already didn’t know how it was working. So parents and teachers are breaking down, trying to follow the system, and having the system fail them in the time of need.

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/04/just-give-distance-learning/

The children who will never experience prom or graduation. The COVID generation. High school is but a blip on a radar we were all forced to attend. So feel some solace in the fact that you are not alone and you are not missing too much. But yes you are missing it and that sucks. And I’m sorry. I wish you didn’t have to. And I wish our world prepared better for you. But know this: you have the power to change this world. You have the power to take these experiences and let them define your future. Don’t let the mistakes of those before you define what is before you.

We keep saying this pandemic is going to cause PTSD, we already HAVE PTSD. the entire country not having that hamster wheel to run on anymore is causing people to have to feel the effects of that PTSD. It’s like the entire country just came back from a war they didn’t know they were fighting, finding the skin of those they clawed and climbed over to get to where they are now under their nails, unsure how to deal with that horrible reality. All they know is how to feel safe in their routine, cubicle, Starbucks, and instant delivery service on Amazon, that they can’t focus their energy toward what can truly help this country move forward.

Just look at this article that reads more like propaganda for someone who would subconsciously do anything to go back to the way it was than to accept what he just saw as what the world truly was. He is channeling the bad guy from the first matrix that just wanted a Steak dinner, no matter the fact that he now knows it wasn’t real. That sense of normalcy is something we will need to fight to find a better way forward.

https://forge.medium.com/prepare-for-the-ultimate-gaslighting-6a8ce3f0a0e0

See even in his summary of how to become better people he references pop culture and the buzz words you would find in a “10 things about X” buzzfeed click-bait article. Because we don’t seem to understand how to “Marie Kondo” our lives unless there is a Marie Kondo to hold our hand. So while I find his optimism helpful and his words very poignant, I think we need a combination of his approach and mine. A good cop bad cop to reach the masses. A “get off my lawn boomer” and a “Gen whatever”. The “that’s toxic” vs “politically correct”.

The truth is; we need to take a good damn long hard look at the cracks exposed and plug them. And we can’t look to our current pop culture references to achieve it. That was and is part of the problem. That not only includes our societal influences on our daily lives, it includes our environment, our government, and our president.

It’s like basing our next steps off the metrics of this “new today”; a world stuck in their homes, impulse buying off amazon for the dopamine, watching more Netflix, engaging with more live streams for interaction at any level. Eventually people will run out of money and or leave their houses when they can. These “metrics” are tainted toward a, in the grand scheme of things, short term pandemic situation. Our “metrics” have been tainted toward our entire basis of societal consume and conquer “priorities” for centuries. But there is some magic in this “new today”, the people trying different avenues of expression and skill sets due to having the time to explore it. Being given a reprieve from their everyday drain. The glimpse that perhaps you can make that scary ass pivot in life to fulfillment. But it’s only a glimpse right now in a world that is going to change drastically a million more times before we even understand a baseline again. A lot of work and effort and determination from everyone is going to be required to have any sort of change stick.

He did say one thing that I can agree with, which sum-mates to even the smallest actions by the majority of us can make an impact:

“We can do that on a personal scale in our homes, in how we choose to spend our family time on nights and weekends, what we watch, what we listen to, what we eat, and what we choose to spend our dollars on and where. We can do it locally in our communities, in what organizations we support, what truths we tell, and what events we attend. And we can do it nationally in our government, in which leaders we vote in and to whom we give power. If we want cleaner air, we can make it happen. If we want to protect our doctors and nurses from the next virus — and protect all Americans — we can make it happen. If we want our neighbors and friends to earn a dignified income, we can make that happen. If we want millions of kids to be able to eat if suddenly their school is closed, we can make that happen. And, yes, if we just want to live a simpler life, we can make that happen, too.”

So don’t think you have to over throw the government to get them to put your stimulus check and SBA loan above that of the billion dollar company. You don’t even need a gun. You can dictate their actions with your the simplest gesture: closing your wallet. Hitting them in the coffers is the most devastating weapon in your arsenal. And you were just given a limited but potent case of bullets thanks to what has just happened. Use them wisely.

But unlike the writer of that article, I don’t share his “humanity is inherently good” sentiment. The hypocrisy of what we see in this country in particular is appalling.

“My Body, My Choice” ONLY when it applies to them, is the common string here. Advocates of many other things that limit women’s rights and peoples rights in general. We won’t get off on that tangent, but the history is here.

This pandemic showed us one thing people can’t seem to comprehend, but need to start, and quickly: no matter what religion, creed, nationality, sexual preference, country you come from, at the end of the day you are a meat sack susceptible to a virus like everyone else. No matter how many guns you carry or racial slurs you scream, you will be brought to your knees if infected like the rest of us.

So stop looking toward “party lines” and start looking toward human survival and decency. But alas this is a pipe dream I and the creator of Startrek made up. The reality is, at the end of this, even with the sweeping changes to the world, most people will run back to spent their 10$ on a shitty coffee from Starbucks even if they can’t even afford their mortgage anymore due to not getting your business loans, or unemployment check. Historically we as a people forget the past.

I can write, yell, and advocate for days in hopes for a better tomorrow. Until it is actions and not words, we are destined to repeat history until we’ve destroyed the very ground we stand on just for the almighty dollar and the ideal of power.

And I will say this, as an American, I am embarrassed to be an American. Not just because of irresponsible protests, price gouging, and “party wars” versus “people helping”, but because we have made very little progress on mobilizing our ability to deal with this crisis due to our own hang ups with financial red tape and someone not getting their next bonus.

Hopefully with enough glass half empty and half full coming together, eventually we will realize that pooling the water together spreads the disease faster and we need a new damn expression to move forward.

We need to re-evaluate the need for Castles. Post Covid19

When you’ve been contemplating a pandemic or world crisis your entire life(I watched terminator 2 17 times in a row in a 3 day period as a kid) and one finally happens… 

1 of two things happens first: you don’t believe it and go into mental paralysis. You can physically survive and do it well but your mind jumbles for a bit. 

The Second wave you question every life choice you have ever made and you begin to take actions to re-invest your skillset that allows you to thrive in horrible times like these to take actions to change the world. I don’t know if that will be the role of an activist, expression through art, etc. but I do know I am hyper aware during these situations allowing me to quickly think of my feet without falter. All the things that make life feel overwhelming in normal times slow down and become skills in times like these for me.

It can be metaphorically explained as why most of my first dates fail: I can share 1000 things about my most intimate self within seconds of meeting someone, not because I am over sharing or obsessing but because I don’t find it to be that intimate and it’s just a small conversation of a very layered onion. Social standards have deemed it to be bad form that way however. And people freak. I don’t love you.  I don’t even care about you yet. I just like to skip the bullshit small talk and openly talk about who we are now, today, in relation to our past and hopeful future. But I am understanding that the only mitigating factor in truly knowing someone is time. As much to my dismay.

My entire life has felt like a pandemic with how I treat my short time on this planet. I think quick. Share heavily. Take on strong opinions. Speak up for others (often getting me in trouble) And take action quickly.

True anxiety(not oh my day was stressful), which I suffer, hasn’t even been a thought in my mind these last few weeks. The world is moving at the speed of my anxiety. And I am sitting here watching others like our president completely fuck it up and all I want to do is step up with my fight or flight response and slow the world down for majority of people so they can actually see it how it needs to be and is: calculated. My mind has slowed down like slow motion in a film. Or when you get into an accident and the world appears to slow time itself. This allows me to navigate the over abundance of everything around me.

I’ve pre predicted the rushes on stores, supplies, and quarantine times. Thanks to my mind being in a state of overdrive since a young age. Always looking at micro inflection of the people around me for clues on the next reactions, but this time looking at the movement of the world. Which is also why I feel as though I have the most trouble going back to “normal” or “productive” forms of “getting ahead” like others seem to be able to do in this new day with their Zoom classes, etc. I’m seeing a larger problem. Taking on the feelings of a larger group. Seeing the failures of a larger scale of society. I don’t care about how many views my next YouTube video gets. Or if social media is updated. We are living a rare moment in history where we got to see the world STOP. And it revealed/continues to reveal all the cracks and problems with our systems, structures, and societal disparities. What we do now is so goddamn important. I don’t want to go back to what we were before COVID-19. I want to be better.

I see so clearly now, a different view, but I can’t do it alone. Now is when I will judge humanity the hardest. Will your compassion and sympathy turn off the minute it ends, like 9/11 where we united until we didn’t have to? Now is when I look to my fellow human not as someone I will pass by on a regular day and cordially nod my head at; but as someone who I can trust with my life or someone who will put my life in danger. I have zero patience for the inability to adapt or see reality for what it is. I no longer give the benefit of the doubt to stupidity. I no longer sugar coat the foibles of the world. The shine is gone. The cracks are clear. If you don’t see them now and have an inner fire to want to change the world for the better of humanity not a party line or piece of paper with “value”, I don’t much care for you anymore.

I’ve dreamt of disasters. I’ve imagined the worst case scenarios. And even though we are not in that worst case yet, this pandemic has unveiled that we as humans are failing each other and things have to change. I for one plan to be part of that change. If this isn’t a wake up call, you’re deaf.

America is no longer “the new kid at school” giving off that fresh look and appeal. It is a shit stain on the national stage. I’m not even sure if America is American anymore. Or was it ever? Has the base of America been hiding quietly waiting to follow their “cult leader” and finally the true colors are free to be bright? Or have we just fallen and need others to remind us why we are who we are in the first place. Why democracy is our strength not the weakness it is proving to be in this pandemic. 

We can’t fight what we have done to this point. But we can sure as hell fight when we come out of it to prepare for it in the future. We can stop coddling those who are sinking the ship. We can stop “blocking” those who hurt our feelings and rather figure out how to coexist. We need to stop hiding behind the constitution as a way to be worse, not better. For example: You cannot be a Nazi and an American.

We need to come out fighting everything that is endangering our lives as a species.

And that is what we need: fighters. Not sheep. Not complacency. Not “comfort” of the consumer treadmill. Not a new iPhone. But actual change to the foundation of our society based off humanity and those who wish to contribute to the betterment of it. And it will be hard, and be met with resistance, and break you over and over. But perhaps this time, we can make a difference before the problem instead of having to “live with the consequences of our actions or inaction”.

We need to learn from our mistakes. Acknowledging the hamster wheel of “fortune” causing great disparity in income and poverty. “Keeping up with the Jones” becoming toxic. The country should not have 3 people, or less than 10 entities that count for the entirety of the wealth of 150 million. Not that they didn’t work for it. But they shouldn’t have had to work for that much disparity in the first place. The importance of human relations not income. And the fact that we strive for LOVE and happiness as children, but end up like Bill Gates, chasing money and power, and who recently acknowledged money means nothing(although considering how much he has this is a very hypocritical statement, but there is truth in it). Running the human engine dry to become wealthy so we have time to love at all is counter productive to living life in the short time given on earth. We shouldn’t have to “afford” to love. We should just love.

So what will you do when this is “done”? Go back to Clawing your fellow human’s flesh and bones to get to the top of the figurative consumer ladder or figure out a way to vote for humanity and not party lines and cash?

I see very clearly. And I need others around me who see the same. And no, not the conspiracies and fears, but the truths inside and outside of them. Not oblivious to the propaganda, but aware of the media and how it is shaping views. The ability to see within the castle walls but leave the comforts of them to understand the people outside who make the castle possible in the first place. 

We need to re-evaluate the need for a castle at all.

We call those inside the walls them and then there is us. They call us them and their-selves us. There needs to just be us.

“And go the Fools among” has been tattooed on my arm for many years. And finally the Fool who has been quietly watching and joking the truth for so long wishes to stop joking and turn his knowledge and worldly views into actions to better society.

A vote for Trump is un-American; or is this the “New America”? — A bipartisan view on Human Decency.

If you plan to vote and re-elect Trump you deserve to be deported. A bipartisan view on Human Decency.

Unless at some point our country has turned into a propaganda making, history changing, dictatorship… then watching trump releasing fucking propaganda videos during press conferences where he should be calming and guiding the country is despicable.

He is taking a play out of China’s CURRENT playbook RIGHT now and trying to rewrite history to his favor. He is taking up national time with propaganda videos that are out of context LIES. If you are that uneducated to be able to decipher this truth from the other, then perhaps it is true, the “New America” is Trump.

The way he yells and screams at press for asking a question not a part of the networks he “loves”. He then answers, if he answers, with how great he is and no care about you the voter, usually ending up in blatant lies.

Are you trying to tell me that at this point this is the better option for our country? Are you trying to tell me America is so far gone from a fair, free-speech, constitutionally run democracy, that we want someone who would prefer to puff his feathers and mimic China or North Korea than govern the people in a way that keeps them from buying all the toilet paper in a panic?

If you don’t see he is trying to rewrite history(one again, like China is currently doing as well) and the massive damage he is doing to our lives, country, and humanity… You are not an American and don’t deserve to be here.

Or maybe, I am not American anymore for thinking differently and the country has moved on without me, like a bad breakup that I need to recognize and relinquish my my citizenship. Because that is how strongly I feel about this many being in office for one more minute. This is from someone who is very calm, very paced, and gave America the benefit of the doubt of “wanting to shake things up” as you all said. Well the shake up is done, and if it shakes anymore the baby will die.

I can’t sit quietly here anymore and accept you as human being with a moral compass or sense of intelligence. Any human being who truly loves their neighbor and those around them as other human beings would vote for a fucking ROCK over this man for another 4 years. Yes the “lesser of two evils” argument. But look in-front of you. You have the worst of the crop already in power! (if you want to change the lesser of two evils scenario, change the system, not the people. And do it prior to an election, stand up as a united front and fight for what we deserve before we are forced to blindly check a mark of a voting ballet, hoping for the best. Flex your democratic powers of organized protests, via actions. Hit this country in the fucking wallet before it completely implodes from everyone trying to crawl above everyone else, clawing their way through flesh to do it.)

This pandemic hasn’t changed him or who he was, it has given him a platform to show on a daily basis how fucking horrid of a human being he is and how he is the exact opposite of what you voted for. He doesn’t have the majority of his voters best interests in mind, he only cares about his “ratings”. HE IS THE FUCKING PRESIDENT, WHAT RATINGS ARE THERE?! And WHY does he compare these hyperbole ratings to journalists asking journalist questions!?

No one cares Mr. Trump, we are all sitting in our damn houses, watching Cuomo for guidance and brotherly relate-able humanity, eating the same ramen, in our sweats over and over, scared to shop for food, and not really sure what day it is or what life will look like after all of this, because your briefings only talk about you. You don’t care about the American citizen. You care about your optics. You care about your ego. You care about how best to spin your lies to make everyone so confused, that “the boy who cried wolf” syndrome kicks in, and you can just do what you want. You are literally putting America through Stockholm Syndrome and it frightens me.

Just imagine for a moment, whether you liked the man or not, and parties aside, what an Obama speech would have sounded like in a time like this? That man could have calmed a goddamn unbroken mare kicking him in the face and our country truly needs it in this time of dire circumstances. This is what a president should be, their politics aside. It is the HUMAN aspect of a president that is needed. And right now we lack one with any form of these human emotions such as empathy or common decency. Show me an example of a time where he cared about the dead, rather than his “ratings”.

But what if “I choose to vote for Policy rather than if someone acts Presidential.”

He is damaging this country. How he acts is the most important power a president possesses. In this time of great need has highlighted, just how useless his inability to actually take action, when action is needed, for life truly is.

Polices over humanity. That is what you just said. Sigh. Human life is much more fragile than we treat it. And it hurts me to the soul. We were given life, and we squander it away for pieces of paper with numbers on them that are inconsequential compared to our minds and each breath we take.

We are the ass end of a joke on the international stage right now, except the joke is COVID19 and instead of people laughing they are gasping as the deaths stack up. This will greatly effect how we run as a country in the future and are taken seriously going forward. How our Democracy is proving to be our weakness due to poor leadership vs our call to actually helping and solving major problems is clear. The world is noticing as we speak as well, not just for the future, and they are taking action now. China right now is trying to twist the story so hard to say Covid19 started here. And to be honest they could pull it off with the way our government is run by this man right now. I usually say “Don’t worry, the president doesn’t have that much power, there are checks and balances” but with this new platform for him to have his own “reality TV show” on, he has done/can do so much more damage to this country it sickens me. Another term for this president either means two things:

  1. We are already in the movie Idiocracy and the damage is done, the people dumbed down, and the propaganda stuck.
  2. America is no longer America, and those of us stuck on the idea of what it should be, need to move on and stop having our heart broken, because the majority don’t care about humanity, they care about numero uno, disillusioned to think Trump cares one iota for their “needs”. This Pandemic showcasing that disparity front and center.

Please if you do plan to vote for him again or believe even a word he says, remove me as a friend immediately. Remove me, block me, and go fuck yourself. I’m done being nice to idiots and fools. And this has nothing to do with Republican or Democrat. This has to due with Human Logic.

Welcome to democracy, where freedom of speech means two things:
You can speak your opinion.
You can chose to not listen to that opinion.
 
However at some point people stopped listening to each other too well, and now there is a rift in this country. One that throws debate, logic, and reasoning out the window and we are forced to cancel culture the ones who are too far beyond. So in that light…

You’re canceled from my life.

PTSD for New Content? #COVID19

Anyone else find it oddly easier to watch movies or tv you have already seen then new releases or things you haven’t seen since being in isolation? I can’t put a finger on it, but new content is so much harder to digest for me than a rerun.

I can’t tell if it is projection of my own anger that things are not normal for me when I see my favorite you tubers release content on schedule where I am sitting here going… “holy crap, it’s Friday again?!”

Or if I am feeling overwhelmed by the idea of too much free time so I end up doing nothing with my time. No workouts, no TV, no video games. Just kinda nap and or read news or scroll endlessly on social media.

Perhaps it is the idea that my routine is gone. So normally I would wake up, workout, eat, get work done, then decide my entertainment. But now I don’t have a routine. I have a very long endless tunnel of time and it is that no light to the end of this new normal that makes it hard to have a routine.
Maybe an older movie or TV show versus the cool new stuff is easier to just veg out on if I decide I want to refresh my news feed to see what’s happening in New York and New Jersey. To see what hell today is bringing.

I dunno it’s all garbled. The only clarity I got was writing a review for a company that sent me a product recently. It felt nice to get lost in something that felt normal again. But it was short lived.

I worry about releasing new content myself as I wonder if others are unable to digest anything but the headlines of Covid as well. So should I finish my review or wait til there is some normalcy to do it. But honestly when will that be. Sure as hell isn’t anytime soon no matter how optimistic we can be.
It’s funny too, because before all this I worked from home. Nothing changed except I need to plan further ahead now. I can’t just go ; oops I need food or oops I need to do laundry.

Perhaps it has to do with the lack of it feeling like a reward for a long day. Or a procrastination for a hard one.

Maybe I’ll go back and organize this into writing and coherence later. That’s been a good outlet.

Night.

I’m sorry you’re in quarantine. So am I.

I’m sorry you’re in quarantine. So am I. It’s because we,humans, are the weak links here, buying time to not be overwhelmed by our own inabilities. So stfu and eat peanut butter for a few months. 

Seriously though.. I keep reading the “our economy”. Fuck your economy. We created the economy. Can’t we magically make it better? Because it is based off imaginary trillion dollar debt and bullshit already.

I keep hearing: let’s rip off the bandaid. Welcome to age-ism. If it was children who died immediately we would have been in quarantine months earlier. I personally love my parents so go fuck yourself.

I keep hearing: we don’t know the consequences on our daily lives. Yup. Correct. We don’t. But better to protect human life?!

The Spanish flu is mentioned a lot. You know what caused it to spread? Troop movement. Not social distancing or home quarantining.

Know what caused it to kill even more? Lack of news coverage in the first place thus ignoring a mutation that turned it from a 3 day nasty flu to a 24 hour killer. Added to that continued troop movement and lack of any systems to prevent human to human contact.

We have literally learned how to deal with this but we ignore it because we are sad we can’t get amazon delivery.

P.S. the Spanish flu didn’t last 3+ weeks on a ventilator. Of course this will overwhelm our health care systems.

Our leaders are idiots. No one gives a fuck about hair pieces or ratings we care about this being over and a sense of those in charge giving a fuck about us. Not that I care about Democrat or Republican, but imagine an Obama speech right now?! It soothes my soul. There is a reason we are all looking to Cuomo right now and not our president. And sorry but if you re vote for this guy, I gave ya the benefit of the doubt last time. This time, don’t ever speak with me again.

We really need the Star Trek mentality of “human exploration/improvement” versus “how much money we make”

This pandemic has revealed one thing: our entire culture as a human race is based off unsustainable ideals for human life. We emphasize things that do us no good in times of extreme need and trouble. We don’t prepare for our surroundings and any disasters this earth throws at us we truly are unable to handle. Shit some places are still under water from previous disasters.

And the true problem is this: this was avoidable to an extent. But we want more money, five minutes of fame, and believe eventually we will be rich enough not to have to worry about anything.(look at the disconnect between celebrities and the normal joe right now, sad about being quarantined in their 60000 square foot mansion versus the 10 sq ft Manhattan apartment. You idolize them until times like this where their wealth makes you sick and emphasizes your reality vs theirs.) This snubbing the guy below us and ignoring the glaring problems with “the system”. You cannot during a pandemic rally for these changes now. You are stuck with your own actions consequences. After maybe. But now, welcome to reaping what you sew.

But like 9/11 everyone was friendly until it was a few days after and people turned to shit again.
So while we are In a time where our world is literally changing permanently around us, it remains to be seen if we truly give a shit when we can once again trample the guy next to us to get ahead.

I’ve used this example many times: the bridge toll goes up. It is way more expensive than minimum wage. People are upset and it effects them. One day. ONE DAY of staying home and not using the tolls would hit them in the pockets sparking change. But no one wants to be the one to take the chance to stay home. Everyone believes eventually they can buy their way out of the toll prices and it won’t matter. The hamster wheel of fortune.

You want change? You want Bezos to step up? Hit it in the wallet. Because we are not based on humanity we are based on little pieces of paper worth nothing in times of need. (Ironically though… it could be used as toilet paper which there is a shortage of 🧻)

A rant to all of you people who I never knew were psycho.

A rant to all of you people who I never knew were psycho.

Stop being fucking stupid conspirators because you don’t know how to keep yourself busy without the hamster wheel of work. Stay in your damn house by yourself with your tin foil hats you dumb “I googled it therefore I know all” fucks…

1. “This is Airborne.” Airborne is when it is transmitted via the air without needing a carrier. This is a droplet virus. Google it if you don’t understand. Airborne would be a nightmare.

2. “China Is BETTER AT THIS AND HAS NO INFECTIONS!” China literally ripped people from their homes if they were found to be in contact with someone with the virus.(along with other rumored practices such as welding doors shut on houses) Try that is America. They also didn’t and probably are still not reporting the proper data, because CHINA. (This is based off prior societal actions)

2a. “America should be able to do what they did!” Welcome to Democracy, where you can be a fucking NAZI and have zero repercussions. Our own freedoms are often are biggest enemies.

3. China is not “clear”. China stopped the current infections if all is to be believed, through extreme measures. The problem is 80% of their population is still not exposed to the virus so for a second wave to happen is highly likely and just as dangerous when they open up to normal activity again.
3a. The above is why this won’t be over in a “few weeks”. Secondary waves are inevitable.

4. “We should just get it over with….” Our health care sucks first off. But more importantly we haven’t prioritized it over our military, so we are going to run out of manpower and supplies for mass infection. Hence “flattening the curve”. This allows people to get the care they need in the time they need. Right now if you go to NYC and get sick, you are fighting for a ventilator, if we flatten the curve, there will be a better chance you get one in the future, let alone if you get sick for ANY OTHER reasons and need a hospital that isn’t overcrowded from the virus.

5. “This is some conspiracy to fuck the small people and make the rich richer!!!” What exactly do you think is happening here? This fucks companies and businesses and the rich AND the poor and the self run businesses. The richest are the ones who want to profit the most. And this just puts them in a situation to lose money. They won’t have that. Even if it means we die. They prefer green to red. Not to mention the target demographic of this virus is those people with the largest amounts of money.

6. “This is a way to kill the dollar so it will all be digital goods and we can have our “amount” adjusted based off anything.” Stop watching Black Mirror during a damn pandemic.

Play animal crossings or some shit. You need a break from your own mind. If the government wants to control us or change us or create a weaponized virus, GUESS WHAT: They probably already have the plans and are working on it. Good luck taking power and money away from people who don’t use it properly.

This virus however, is not the time to “stand up and fight” the invisible boogie man. This is the time to see how our government reacts to this kind of thing and then take action when things are safer to do so. Want to become an advocate? Do so somewhere where it counts, not a Facebook post to your parents and their friends of friends.

Yeah choice and democracy are a bitch during pandemics. On one hand you want your freedoms on the other hand when you get sick you want proper care. Sadly you can’t have both.

To be honest these posts piss me off. Why Tristan? Because if you wanted change maybe waiting til a fucking virus erupts around the world is a shit time. You reap what you allow.

I’m guilty. You’re guilty. And now we are in quarantine. So suck it up. Survive and then perhaps now that you’ve been shooken awake you can make some changes through action. But I doubt it. It’s easier to post in Facebook than to take action for most. And most are secretly wanting the choices made for them. So it’s an uphill battle both ways.

Also this isn’t about a virus persay but our ability with our infrastructure to handle it. Humans are the weak link not the virus.

So please don’t throw stupid ass statistics around. “Why are cigarettes legal, we know they kill x million people a year”. Because people are fucking dumb. And money. Mostly money.

You can’t always be comfortable.

People are idiots when it comes to boundaries of their partners and understanding not EVERYONE is the same. Trust works differently for different people. And the best way to be a good PARTNER to your PARTNER is to understand their comfort and your comfort and meet in the middle of said comfort so everyone is comfortable. And then realize SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, you won’t be fucking comfortable!.

You make me too comfortable…

“I feel like we have been dating for years and I am so comfortable with you!”

But instead of going with the flow of life, I am going to project my own insecurities I have with commitment on your ability to just be someone who adapts to situations, enjoys calm, talks to new people as if they have been friends for years, and just take it a minute at a time.

Oddly enough the minute at a time makes people very comfortable or whatever other synonym.

“I feel so comfortable around you”

“It feels like we have known each other for much longer”

“This doesn’t feel like a first date” (whatever that means)

“You are so easy to talk to”

You get the point.

But while you think in your mind, cool I am not making this person freak out, it is actually making them freak out.

What you thought was a first drink and dinner has now turned into thanksgiving dinner with the entire family meeting them for the first time.

What you thought was a good night kiss, was actually a passionate kiss to wake the princess from her deep sleep.(fuck you Disney)

What you thought was a reaction from the kiss and night of fun that landed in your bedroom is actually Valentine’s day sex. (Pointless, but if you forget….. I digress)

What you thought was normal sit in the kitchen and drink coffee to wake up before you have to poop, was actually a discussion about moving in together.

So when they leave and you are sitting at home feeling as though that was a nice date. She was cool. Can’t wait to get to know her more so I see if we work out in the long run. Ya know, day to day experiences two people must have. I’ve spoken how time is the only real truth to love. They are freaking out, talking to their friends, replaying it all thinking about how you made them too comfortable and blaming it on “crazy girl mind”, while also completely cutting you out of the conversation. Maybe being hard on themselves because they slept with you? Maybe for “telling you too much”. I dunno. But def not just reminiscing on a good night.

And this is my short and simple explanation of why asshole guys finish first. Because those of us who don’t play games, don’t hide ourselves from person to person, and just enjoy the moments, make others too comfortable. Where is the excitement in that? I dunno maybe if we woulda had a second date we could have jumped out of a plane to find out, ha. Can’t have adventure without experience, can’t have experience without time. Can be comfortable with yourself enough to be comfortable with others without needing to look too far into it.

The “Romantic Spark” is Burning Your Chances

“I’m sorry I just didn’t feel the Romantic Spark”

This is what I was told just recently after asking if I could call someone I swiped on from an online dating site. I thought, let’s see if we can hold a conversation before we meet so make sure we don’t waste time at an awkward dinner or coffee meeting. If anything I wonder why more people don’t want to do this! It is a great way to weed out the weirdos! But that aside, we talked for about 20 minutes as she got ready to go to a class and was running around her house getting dressed and seemed kinda stressed. No biggie, nothing big was being talked about, it was just a general, “Hello, I am real, you are real, nice to hear your voice with inflection!”

The next day I texted to see if they wanted to grab a coffee and I got the response above.

I sat there for a moment, kinda dumbfounded. Is this how quickly people expect to find romance? To feel the “connection” to another human being that is multi faceted? Someone you never met, never smelled, never looked into their eyes? Never shared physical space with?

I was talking to my trainer about it this morning and I said, it is kind of like if someone came in for a session, worked out hard, and at the end of the session looked in the mirror and told him, “Yeah, I don’t see any results, this isn’t working.”

What the fuck has happened to us as human beings? Are we that addicted to the dopamine of the instant “click”, the “excitement of new people that if we don’t have the nearly 1 in a million experience of “love at first sight” (yes I was on the pilot for that show), that knowing we can keep swiping until we get our fix for it, we can just toss away the idea of anything that remotely resembles “getting to know someone” and “learning to love them for who they are, what they believe in, how we get along, and in person interactions experiences we have together”?

Shit if you want fireworks that badly at the first meeting, if you have iMessage I can send them right away!

Now there is the one obvious answer to all of this which is that people are just not strong enough to tell you the truth as to why they are not interested in you. So they make up a reason that they feel is the least intrusive. But seriously, in this case it’s OK to tell the truth. It is OK to answer a text with an unpopular answer. It is OK to tell someone what is on your mind. It is OK to be uncomfortable doing it as well! (I have talked about how we really need to start “getting hurt” again) So stop with the “I didn’t feel a romantic click” lines after texting someone for 10 seconds and just say “I don’t think we are compatible for X reason”. 99/100 times it will give everyone closure.

Mind you there are the crazies, but they don’t define the majority of us.

So please, just be honest. Shit I have gone on a date where I told the person when I met them in person, “I am sorry you don’t look like your photos and I feel a bit deceived, so I am going to head out, but thank you for coming to meet me regardless. Good luck!”

But to me I think it is a deeper problem. An addiction to the feeling of “new romance” the addiction to the massive exposure to so many people and the excitement of puppy love, that what is happening is people are no longer aware of how to actually build a foundation for a relationship. How love comes in time. How you can grow your love based on experiences and interactions together. How love doesn’t always have a set path or reason. How it isn’t a rush to the finish but a step at a time, enjoying the moments you get to spend with another human and allow them into your life, and to share yours with them. The love that comes from truly “falling in love” not pretending we are legos and “clicking” it all together.

So again, I am taken aback by the way we as a society are assimilating to what these dating sites tell us to do. How we should feel. How we should interact. Taking out more and more of the personalizations and adding more emojis, quick responses, canned responses, and cheesy “List your fav color for match percentages”. These dating sites have a business model. And if you actually form a long lasting relationship, guess which site doesn’t get paid? Think about that for a second. Now take those extra seconds and give people a chance with the extra time. Don’t take excitement and enthusiasm as bad signs, but use them to grow. Stop swiping just for a minute, figure out if we can create some moments together, and inspire each other! Then let that go wherever it may go, even if it ends up not working. One must be open to conversation and not afraid of debate as if it is confrontation. Opening yourself up for rejection to see if you truly understand the complexities of another person.

Hardest part though is this all starts with you. So yes perhaps there was another reason that text was sent, but from my experience, it is no longer the logical answer, but the illogical endorphin rush needed to make the tedious task of swiping and telling your favorite color over and over entertaining and feeling worthwhile, but at the expense of true connections.

Vices

I understand dealing with the harder days with a vice, for me it was cigarettes. Even when you quit it does stick around in your head as a want, but you as a person, you become stronger to make the choices as time passes. But it takes time unfortunately, and not time where we hide from the world waiting for it to pass, but time were I am out enjoying the world with my new goals. That last bit is the hardest to put into practice though. Working on it 🙂

Meditation to me…

My meditation doesn’t come in the form of a chant or breath excercise, (actually I believe there should be some Rocky theme music playing when doing Yoga, if I am able to get my body into those hard positions, I want some gratifying “YOU DID IT” music as reward, not birds chirping in my ear and bells making me lose my balance through a resonation in my inner ear… wow OFF TOPIC… anywhoo..)

I find my meditation through climbing a mountain in the crisp fall air, out of breath, totally submitted to my body and the world around me, and in those tiny moments when I can catch my breath, pause and wait for the next step, I get a feeling of clarity. The quiet, the fresh air, the world around me. And in that split second I get the meditation that some will sit for hours in silence to achieve(which is not bad, just this is what works for me). So if you could share those moments with me, that would be pretty great.

A bit of me…

I understand NYC is a city of don’t look up but I believe even though I too do not look up, seeing the people and the environment of social euphoria breaths a certain life into my spirit. I took that for granted when I moved to California. After living out there for 5 years I moved back to NYC for the social/cultural inspiration I grew up with. So YES I will point out the street performer that I think is amazing, and yes I will talk about the people I see that strike my fancy, or the conversation I overhear from the person on the subway next to me, I still get motivated by them as part of this walking canvas NY.

If you sum me up as a 1 page self summary, a 3 hour convo, or all day correspondence, you might as well just not talk to me, because I am not any of the above. I am a person with ideas and thoughts, someone who may or may not spark your brain and gain from it as well. I have anxiety toward things, fears, bad days, shitty days, but I smile and I move forward. If you are moving forward too, I want to know you.

I have not met you, I don’t know how your brain works yet, how you live your life, what your ideals are. All I know are sporadic profile stories and a glimpse into your emotion, inflection, and life. I am just asking you this: would your prefer complete safety as you take this part of your life journey, or do you mind me throwing shit at you that may or may not stick in the end? I don’t want to be the compromise, I want to be the inspiration, smiles, stories, memories, Polaroids of an adventure.

The X Theory

To put it in metaphor, I’d say that oftentimes paths will cross, as Fate would have it, and that would be Instant Love; however, in order to keep this instant love, you must apply that conscious effort to pursue… because when paths cross, they will naturally meet at one point, the middle of an X {a cross- those physical, chemical, mental changes}, and then start going the opposite way, as is natural with growing and life changing. This is where the effort to pursue Love comes in… where people will take the time, effort, and energy to pave a new road together. Regardless of where those roads of Fate may lead. And the strength of that crossing point will help to determine if it will last or it will grow apart. Because we are on different timelines, but if when we meet the intersection was strong enough, it can bind us together even as time changes who we will be.

 

” Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.”

The Two Face Theory

There are two faces to every girl. The face you see when you come home from work, the face you see when you are covered in daily dirt, even the face you see when you cry. That is face one, the one. Now there is face two the one where you are so close. You are face to face, all blemishes to see, yet all I look for and hope you see the same in me, is to see a sparkle in your eye. I want to find that sparkle and have it last forever, I want to find that sparkle, not make it an endeavor, by this I don’t want the games to play, some drama here or there, is fun but maybe just today and tomorrow, and then a day off, sure it can be exciting I won’t deny that feat. The simple touch and connection I want to find, seemingly something you can find. So in this second face you and me, we will kiss and it will last, last and last, just because kissing is amazing to me, and in that second face to kiss with an eternity going by. The longer the better in my eyes. Sometimes to be slick the writer will say it lasted for the perfect moment, but want the moment to be more than just a moment, I want it to be the rest of my life.

Love is not enough.

Every one of my last relationships has ended because “love” was enough for them. “Love” is the beginning of opening up the rest of your life. It lifts the weight of trying to find the unattainable life goal so you can do other things magical with the love, the person you have found, and your life in general.

So why stay in a relationship defined by hopelessness, I am not a hopeless romantic, I am hopeful. Should you be “waiting” for the perfect moment? Is it like where you love your job but don’t know if it is where you want to be till the end, so you stick it out waiting to see what will happen in a few years time that may push you closer, further, or to a similar path? So should you be waiting or should you be fixing, actively, or is the waiting, part of the fixing. There is no black and white to any of this shit. It is what works for you or what pushes your brain to the edge of insanity allowing you to evolve to the place you need to be.

Tick Tock…

Time is really one of those strange unavoidable things, yet it has this enlightenment to it that can be absolutely stunning.

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You define love

I think love itself doesn’t know how it works. I believe each individual will find love based on their perception thus making it so indefinable yet with so many definitions.

I think simple and extravagant can mean the same thing when you are laying in the grass with the person you love staring at the stars sneaking a peak at one another.

And sometimes a moment becomes a memory right as it is happening, because it is so significant you want to capture it forever. And without these moments, these experiences, can you ever know how to love?

I have a different opinion on the “knowing yourself” before you can meet someone else. Albeit I respect who I am and don’t really have walls to life, and really am always me 24 / 7(with some help here and there to remember) but I thought a lot about that idea and I came up with, I believe we will find ourselves till the day we die because the days leading up to death define us, as well as the people we meet. So if we didn’t look while we were also finding ourselves it would be too late.

I think there are hallmark ways of going about it and also ways to be inquisitive while still respecting the boundaries as well as pushing the standards.

So you define love, when it can make you so confused. 🙂

Thinking of you…

I love my window because it has the fire escape on it and when I sit there looking out at the rusting metal with bits of black paint peeling from it, it clears my head. Something about it makes me feel good. And through that release from my own thoughts puts me into my thoughts even more.

“I am the white crayon”

Lately even the simple question of “have you been getting any work” or “do you have any job prospects” makes me quiver. Not because I don’t want to answer. It is hard to define what I feel when I get asked that. It doesn’t even have to be in question form, even the simplest of “I hope you are ripping up NYC!” something meant with the best intent and I understand it and appreciate it throws me for a loop. I think one of the things that gets me bothered is that many people think that I left to go back to NYC with a very defined clear objective in mind and that in a few months they would be able to come out here and see or hear of my achievements, when in reality it has been 3 months already and the first 1 and a half were spent in a sort of alter reality where I acted as if there was a death in the family, and I could hardly leave my house unless it was to do something mindless like workout or sit on the bed of a friend watching them go about their daily life as I just took up space.
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