Writing has always been a comfort for me. When I get the urge to write it often takes hours or days for me to actually sit down and begin my path across the keyboard. I usually have a bunch of ideas I want to relate and then they begin to pile up until I am overwhelmed by the idea of actually sitting down and writing about them all. But perhaps it is better to write about them all at once instead of trying to make them separate pieces of time.

I spent the better majority of this weekend watching movies. I went and rented as many of the movies out there that looked very go lucky, happy, over the top retarded.  There is always a common theme in those types of movies, a love interest.

I guess for me I can watch a movie and forget about my life and be happy in the lives of those that I watch. Feel their love, understand their happiness, and then relate it to the idea of them being real people off the screen.

I often wonder what it would be like if it were me on that screen.

I graduated a theatre major and I never told anyone through my 4 years of college what I wanted to do with my life when I graduated.  Part of that had to do with my dislike for the people who walked around explaining their right to fame.  I guess there were a few reasons for this; One I was terrified of failing, I didn’t want to explain my extreme want for fame on the movie screen because then there was a bigger chance for failure in the eyes of those I told, and it became about them and not something for me. The second reason was to not jinx it. And then there was the simple reason of being scared shitless myself of such a goal.

I suppose I should explain my intentions to let you understand it in full. I wanted to be famous for a couple of reasons. I was not the book smart type of person, on paper at least, that is to say I preferred the arts because they allowed me to improvise my life on the fly, rather than watching tutorials or remember pH balances.  I wanted the fame more than I wanted to be an actor. I think I thought and still think, regardless of the gold diggers or fake fans, that through fame, I would be able to enjoy life more, worry less about monetary things and more about things like love. And what better way to enlarge the pool of women to choose from than to be known to everyone.  Then there was the reprisal for my younger years as a child when I was not accepted in school as the “cool” kid but was treated as the nerd and outcast. I figured one day, all those who shit on me would see me on the screen and think to themselves “Well shit… don’t I feel like a jackass”. I suppose not the best reasons for wanting the fame.  It makes me sad that “Movie Fame” is the easiest (if you can make it) way to be known. The path of least resistance so to say.  You do not need to write something worthy of a Nobel prize, or fight in a war, you just have to pretend to be someone that someone else made up.  I am not saying this is an easy task but in the world of fame, this is probably the # 1 most glorified place to be. A rock star for instance, or a movie star, they are in everyone’s lives regardless of wanting it or not.  I have always been a people person so when people would be saying how they would hate to be surrounded every day by paparazzi etc, I thought it would be perfect for the way I live.

Another reason I wanted it was because I think I am good at it. And when I set goals in my life, I usually do everything in my power to achieve them. I didn’t want to be the professor teaching the acting class because he couldn’t hack it. I used to tell me self over and over again, do not fall into a comfort zone making website or doing something else I was good at but took less of a fight to get to.  So you can imagine when i got a job at a Video Game company making movies, I fought my inner voice so hard it was very confusing.

In the last year of my college career I got the chance to direct 3 plays, two short 1 act plays and 1 full scale musical. This was the most fun I have ever had in my life. It came naturally to me, I loved to help people reach their full potential in my shows. I loved working every day on the sets and the costumes and the interaction with the actors. I did however not have a day go by where I told myself not to fall into it even though I enjoyed it sooo much. I felt like it was that comfort zone, and I would regret for the rest of my life not pursuing the life of an actor, how I would look back 50 years from now and say,  “If Only”.  I even got upset when I found out I was going to have to take directing courses as part of my core, because to me I wanted to be an actor and no other aspect interested me.

I feel that my ability to act gives me the insight to help others succeed, as with any job in life, it is so important to know all the aspects of it to better yourself in your part. However my inner voice once again yelled at me, and said, “Helping others to reach their goals in great but first you must reach yours.” Why is that, simply it is because if I watched others surpass me into fame, I had failed.

This is odd, because I have never opened up about this to anyone really. I didn’t even have this as a planned conversation topic for this.

I fear people in my life will look at my past and my goals of then and see them as me not being fully committed to my life and challenges now. Knowing perhaps one day I may wish to pursue my other passions.  However, my life as it is now, is intriguing, and my choice to come out to California to pursue this hybrid mix of directing and acting in a new form of entertainment, Machinima, was something I would be a complete idiot to have turned away with two years of work making them on my own.

It was the biggest fork in my life to choose this life. I got a call from a director I had worked with to get my equity card by doing a traveling Romeo and Juliet the same day I got a call to work as support(the bottom of the bottom, which I didn’t know at the time if I would make it to be able to actually make the movies for the company that I was doing) at my current place of work.  I remember the conversations of those important to me that day, and even the director telling me I should go and do it while I still had the chance. A book was recommended to me “What color is your parachute” I am yet to get it, but one day I will have to read it.

I think leaving New York was the hardest for me. When I first got here, I ordered a pizza and asked the girl on the phone for a “Large Pie” and she responded back in a Valley Girl accent, “We don’t sell pie”. When I then asked for a large pizza, she sent me the worst tasting pizza of my life.

I knew then I was no longer in Kansas. Because honestly they have more common sense than this girl did lol.

My transformation over the last few years has been wonderful. I love my job to death, but it took awhile for me to even come to the conclusions about my want to be famous and why that I mentioned before.  I thought I was throwing my dreams away, even though I was enjoying what I was doing, that meant “Comfort”. Although this has not been the “Comfort Job”. Every day is a new learning experience and every movie we do has something new to learn and challenges that appear.

So what can one conclude from all of that? I don’t know if there is a conclusive analysis. It is more of another corner piece in this octagonal puzzle called my life.  Would I say I am unhappy? No. Would I say I am scared? Sure, who isn’t when they have to make their own life decisions. When we have to worry about our own health vs when the next snow day will be. Am I emo, should this be taken as some sort of cry for help? No, not even close, this is just me spilling to the world once again a bit of who I am and how I got here. Would I change anything yet? Nah, maybe how I approached my first kiss in middle school, :P.  I figure yes, one day I could try to pursue acting again, but right now I am not sure if that is what I want anymore.  I remember my hatred for even the simple tasks such as memorizing lines for a show. It was a nightmare. And things like that make me think perhaps my intentions were not what I needed to do that.

So I watched the movies this weekend, and my troubles went away until the movie began to end, and I knew I could no longer live through the lives of those on the screen.

I guess what I am trying to get away from lately, is not having certain key elements in my life that I need so much.

The green room, I remember it soo well. Or the theatre in highschool, the place to escape. The place where you could hear the tuning of a piano, or people sitting on coaches and just talking. A place where the formalities of a classroom or even taking a public bus did not exist. This was a place where, as Arnold said, before he was elected Governor, “We all did stuff like that back stage, it isn’t sexual harassment”. I never heard a statement soo true before in my life.

The actor types spent so much time with each other in these relaxed situations, love interests and flirting always sparked. But it never lasted, it was caused by proximity. But back on topic.

The green room had this feeling of home to it. In NY during college it was the place to lay down if you were having a panic attack, a place to eat your dinner, or a place to procrastinate homework because there was always someone to talk to. And I am not talking about “Whats up” “NM” “YOU?” “NM”

I am talking about someone pissed off at the current elections, or a casting call, or some sort of drama. While I usually tried to keep out o the dramatic talks, the ones I enjoyed the most, were when someone would say something as simple as, “The sky is particularly blue today” and all of a sudden whether you wanted to or not, it snowballed into an intellectual conversation and you left that room somehow applying that conversation to your life. It helped you keep going. Even if the conversation made you leave the room, it gave you an emotional response. I miss that.

I miss the comfort of having such close friends, that we would just sit ontop of each other to get a section of the couch, because it was a couch and that is comfortable. And who cared who was who and what not. There was no inhabitation, it was just people living.  Sure it wasn’t all roses, but it was “home like” and people were allowed to speak their minds even if they were pissed.  No one had to worry about getting fired on those couches. No one had to worry about sexual harassment on those couches. And no one did.

I am VERY happy my job and the company I work for is very “family” like because if it was too corporate I might off myself. But I often find because there is no “couch” there is fear of the unknown, bad day, or wrong glance, that causes people at work to be very separated from who they really are.

This is all over though. I guess there is something special about the “couch” that one must just keep close to the heart.  As a department that works with pop culture very often, it is nice to know we have our own special couch for our brainstorms etc.

I find in these movies I have been watching as well, the answer to so many problems is keeping a good attitude toward things even if you are getting it hard from others. This has always been my motto. I try to tackle everything in life with a smile. Even if it sucks, I don’t let it get me down too hard, but sometimes when others start pulling hard enough on you because they are having a bad day, it becomes difficult to not expect the side swipe at any moment, keeping you on edge rather than thinking positive.

But, regardless, I will always be me, and in the end I hope it pays off. Because to not be me, is pointless.

And what else is there but seeing the relationships in these movies, that are fun and energetic. Not because every moment is perfect but because they overcome their hardships by pushing one another to new levels. A give and take.

I remember when I went back to NYC for fall, I was at a bar, and I went out for a smoke in the rain. Contrary to people’s beliefs not from NY, everyone is very talkative and nice, because I ran into a beautiful woman and I dropped my NY vernacular with, “Wow it is raining FUCKING hard”. To which she turned and we began discussing her life and mine. It was an in depth conversation with a complete stranger. NYC being the loneliest  city in the world, because we were always soo busy getting from point A to B  all we can do is stare at the multitudes other/different people and wonder what it would be like to sit down with a glass of wine with them.

Even in the Subway it was really hot and I said under my breath, “Man it is FUCKING hot down here” to which an old man turned to me and said, “FUCKIN’ A!”

This brought a huge smile to my face.

So what does this have to do with relationships?

I guess I wonder if I can find that same kind of fight in a person not living in or from the City. I want to be able to marry and raise kids some day, so I hope California is a place I can do it in, because I want to be at my job for quite some time, but it scares me that there is such a huge difference between the people. Sure this is some harsh shit on California, and obviously it isn’t everyone, but the everyday people I pass by in the “OC” with their lack of turn signals and housewives homeowners association feel, it is a little scary.

I have had this chat with people before and I think if I found someone who had some of the same beliefs and values that I do, then my kids would grow up just fine anywhere, but in a land of white how do you find the girl when you came from a land of red purple black white yellow, etc.

I have always pictured myself marrying over seas, but perhaps that is just because the differences in culture are so great the intrigue is the motivation behind it. Rather wouldn’t it be great to find someone regardless of location to adventure and grow through that intrigue with.

I suppose I need to find my way out of the areas which ooze OC housewives, and learn the place I am in more, to really know where to find the off beaten path.  Someone told me about a Dueling Piano bar… perhaps I will start there. That sounds right up my alley 🙂

I know why this is all forefront on my mind lately. Whenever you make a big decision in your life you begin to analyze all the pieces all at once. My big decision was buying a new car. Finally giving up some of my vice grip over my savings and treating myself to a new car. But not just a work and back car, but something I can enjoy. Actually taking out a loan to prepare for the future of perhaps owning a house and building credit, which don’t even get me started on how ridiculous I think the whole system of credit is. It is like the actors guild, you need to act in a guilded show to get it yet you can’t act in a guilded show without it kinda bs.

California being a new beast to me aside, I had to leave my friends and family behind when I moved here, so I find it difficult to really just call that friend to go out and chill.  Work has a very different culture than I am used to so sometimes it is hard to form the friendships I would like, when the commonalities are very different at times.

I don’t drink anymore so “The bar scene” to pick up a girl is not the way for me to go about things. Plus I am not out to get laid, I am out to meet someone intriguing or someone who wants to sit down with a cup of coffee vs sit in silence at a movie.  I wish dating sites were more mainstream, because it seems like a great way to meet someone in these days of texting taking priority over phone conversations. At least a way to get the introduction out of the way to go get that cup of coffee.  Younger people my age don’t seem to be using them as much though. It seems to be something for people 40 and older. Which I find odd since we should know more about this computer magic than them 😛

I live by inspiration and aspiration and all things that allow my imagination to run rapid through a colorful, candid-incandescence.

I will make like Plato and admit that I know nothing. I don’t know the concepts of physics, the material classifications of the the periodic table, nor could i recite anything written by Hawthorne, or Freud. but i do know this: that where there is passion, there is a heart behind it, and where there is a heart there is love, and where there is love there is risk, and where there is risk there is selflessness, and where there is selflessness there is wisdom. you cannot teach me that. there is no book, no poem, no scientific explanation, no renowned modern achievement that could help me FEEL these concepts. you can create a flow chart and explain to me the basic principles of being a human being and i would still fumble through life just as robotic as half the population. Finding yourself despite and in spite of societal infiltration is key to being 100% real, 100% authentic.

To me that is the most important thing to find in a significant other. Someone who understands the risks of telling all, yet they do it anyway, because risk can kiss their ass.

I think part of me wishes I could download a lot of pieces of my life(someone just told me about that expression) into the brains of those who are important to m, so they could know I wrote a script that is sitting on my computer read only by 2 other people(scared of it being taken, need to copyright it, but 50 dollars for something that may actually suck..) because I want them to know I may be skillful in that, or perhaps that I was in musicals all the way until the end of my career in college, but despise karaoke because it feels too competitive and I prefer to prepare for a show if I have to sing, maybe that I used to weigh 155 pounds and dance hip hop for awhile. Why do I want them to know that? Because then, maybe instead of trying to make accusations of my skillsets or ambition to stay on top of the learning curve, they will know that if they give me the right situational response I will be able to perform for them, and I can be comforted by that day or two of practice rather than playing the backtrack game or the “but I have done x and y” to explain z.

I believe knowing someones strengths is an insight to their weakness, and while we only have our own experiences to help guide people past them, we cannot expect what worked with us to work on anyone else. It is important to adapt your own experiences into guidance, otherwise you become the father and I become the rebelling child, wondering why you are so damn oldschool.

I think if I ever wrote a book, it would either be something that could maybe help someone with their life or suck soo badly that it would never be read, because sometimes my life is so motivated by the life around it, that it is impossible to recap. I guess that is why I find it important that the people around me see me for who I am, and I am who I want to be around them, otherwise they are getting the illegible book of my life.

As someone said as I was writing this, perhaps I will hold a seminar, in which I gather a bunch of people, show them what it feels like to have someone give you a layer of life so thick, but still have so much to give after that, the fear of losing themselves is gone, and perhaps they can love unconditionally, with self preservation built in, in a non obtrusive way.

Anyway, there is the thoughts on the forefront of my mind since purchasing my new car. I don’t know how you would want to categorize this.  But don’t think of it as sadness, just reflection. And do me a favor, if you are reading this, you probably have some sort of part in my life, don’t take it as condescending, it is just me being me, sharing a thought process, these are not conclusions. I find sometimes it is easiest to pin a person by what they say or write down in a conversation or blog if you have it, but this is a part of my life perhaps as much as a millisecond of my entire life, and the thoughts are growing, fleeting, or part of a whole.

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