Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Month: May 2015

I feel _____.

Something I have been getting much better at lately is telling others how I feel, how what they say makes me feel, and drawing boundaries for myself. This is unique for me, because I always believed in being the open open book. However, it turns out I benefit from a little bit of a cover. Not that this means I am any less open, it just means my “open” is a little bit more protected from dirt.

This I find, however, is not something easily accepted by others. Others might do it as well, but they may not be in the same place as you to truly accept it. They might be doing it not as an open conversation, but as a conversation stopper. And they may not have learned it the same way, so you get some pretty big clashes by being honest.

I used to think that I would meet someone who I could find that could agree with me that life is too short to spend it taking jabs at one another and treating each other with sarcasm, versus encouragement and support. But what I am also learning is that these things are things you do for so long over a lifetime that you cannot switch them off overnight, and some sort of banter is necessary to survive the support.

I am a sensitive being. I can get hurt quickly, I am weak in certain areas, I am fast to form an opinion, so when you combine that with text conversations and an equally sensitive partner, you find the opposite of fireworks, you just get internal explosions no one else can see. This causes quiet secrets, that are not meant to hurt, but created by both parties to protect one another from hypotheticals.

I also have the inate ability to recover from shit being flown my way. I have had to deal with it as a child, teen, adult, etc. I taught myself due to extreme circumstances growing up where I got hit with it a lot. So combine that with me now sharing when something feels wrong and you have a very interesting explanation of self, especially for someone who doesn’t know your “self”.

We have been living with our own demons and pasts so long, getting someone to understand them as well is hard. It is a true test of wills. But at the same time are we supposed to just “click” or are we just supposed to “click” on specific things, allowing the non clicked moments to feel less impactful. Opposites attract… yet I always feel that if I met someone who put as much thought into the idea of people, the context of valuing humanity over physical and tangible achievements, that it could be truly magical. I suppose the opposites are best defined as being things that you can contribute to one another in a way that lets growth live and breath with each other.

But it isn’t just about being able to agree upon things, it is about being able to have a thicker skin when shit doesn’t mix and being able to work through it without letting the past define us too much. I know my past has the potential to throw some serious wrenches all over the place. At the same time I also know my past does not control my future as long as I am open to letting it out and in when need be. But on top of that if you are feeling as though instead of “hearing” another being is just “accepting” it is the same as brushing off an acknowledgement. It becomes increasingly frustrating. There has to be a sense that two people are working together equally, not just setting up boundaries at every turn. Actually understanding the boundaries is more important than the boundaries themselves.

“I learned to understand my Leo by understanding that he needed positive reinforcement for the little things. He needed me to be open to letting it all hang out with him or he tended to think I was not interested or had anything interesting to offer. This was out of my comfort zone but when I let go a little bit to him, it was a warm embrace that followed”

I am just rambling, because I did meet a similar person, and that similarity seemed to be only similar in brand not by make. Created completely differently, not actually riding the rails side by side, but being on opposite hemispheres thus having an entirely different type of passenger that we let aboard.

Who knows, maybe one day we will be universal to one another, but for now we continue our daily commute with a completely different schedule.

Oh well, derailed for a moment today, back on track tomorrow. And with that… enough train metaphors.

A year and “change”.

I ran across this today. It reads like fiction or perhaps a poem, but is my life. I wanted to share it again as it seems to have gotten lost in a year past. It happened close to this time last year and even though it was only a second date and we never kissed or went on to talk more it was truly a calm and happy moment in my life. An unplugged lost memory. I now know why I wrote it down. It speaks more about me than the date. And I feel sharing it is like sharing a piece of me. Hope you enjoy!

It also goes to show how much can change in a year because a few months later I went on a date where I was on a call to start a huge en-devour to really get my business off the ground and the call went long, and I had to ask my date if I could keep talking with the promise that I would be right in. Instead of being pissed off at me, she saw how enthusiastic and excited I was for the potential of what I was just talking about and started to talk to me about the call, my business, and what was happening at that very moment. She played off my energy, my excitement, my fears, my anxiety and we talked like friends who had known each other for years instead of the boring generic questions of a first date.


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