Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Month: July 2014

Glass Elevators (Fiction)

The clock reads 8 pm, as you put your last earring in, in a rush, taking one last glance in the mirror, realizing how late you are for dinner. You push out of your room grabbing the room key off the table by the door as you wrap your jacket around you halfway out in the hallway rushing to the elevator. The doors close and you feel a sense of excitement and calm as you look out the glass all around you. You are marveling at the fact that you are 30 stories above this new exciting city made of brownstones and warm lighting, yet you stand in this extravagant modernized hotel looking over the city light a god. The doors open with the reminding tune of the elevator tone as you hit the lobby, you walk composed now toward the exit as you see him waiting for you at the exit.

He is dressed in a black suit and newly pressed black collared shirt. The elevatordoors close behind you resonating that same tone,simultaneously he begins to turn around as if it called his attention. As he turns you can see the scruff of his beard contrasting against the straightness of his hair. You can tell the plane trip tired him out yet he looks like he had rested for days, and as his head finally makes its final turn, you meet at the eyes. His piercing blue eyes meet yours as you are now inches away from him. He says nothing as he takes his hand and runs it through your hair on the side of your head passing through and over your ear. You can feel the heat coming off his hand as it warms your face, all the time eyes are locked. You need not say anything as you both turn away from the exit his hand now around you and without even looking away he hits the elevator door’s button. You both are locked into each other, both knowing everything thing yet nothing in this blurred tunnel you exist at this very moment. The crystal chandeliers above sparkle in the pupils of your eyes and the people bustling about blur out to your world as it is jut you and him. Once again the sound chimes and without even turning you are both in the elevator still turned toward each other.

You feel a slight loss of gravity as the elevator begins its slow ascent.  In this moment of weightlessness, he pulls your head firmly toward his as he begins to kiss you. The warm lights and the streets filled with cars, in this strange new wonderland of cobblestone roads traveled with the headlights of cars, which seem so out of place rush past, flashing lights through the glass surrounded walls and your closed eyelids giving you the feeling of a strobe effect.  The heat from your bodies can be felt through ever touch, his lips are moist from yours as they slide against yours. Your upper lip over his and both your breath is in sync. As you pass a new floor you can hear theelevator chime as if it is giving each kiss more intensity as it climbs.  It tones again and he pushes you against the glass window. Every floor his hands pull you closer and grabs at a new part of your body.  You hear him inhale deeply to gather his breath in this moment of breathless fervor, and with that you push him sternly away from you. He stands dazed in the center of the elevator you against the glass, you turn away looking out over the amazing city below. In a matter of milliseconds you think of how amazing it is that a couple of hours ago you were sitting at home and now you were looking upon such a magnificent new place. You think about him standing there dazed and somewhat confused, and you think of everyone looking up at you, although nothing more than a blur of lights below, as you, the princess of this new world, traveled up to her throne in a magical way, compared to the rooftops of clay you look down at. Then with a swift motion you untie your jacket with one hand and with the other brush it from your body, as it falls to the ground.

This moment can only be described in a timeframe faster than the mind can think so that if you were watching it, it would feel as though it were happening over the matter of hours. Your jacket slides down your body, revealing the straps of your only cover, black laced lingerie, mixed with satin garters and straps up and down your body in places that would excite. There are garnishes of white accents on every piece that contrast against your darker tones. The jacket slides down your back, over your ass, and piles up at your feet.

You can hear that he has stopped breathing behind you. He had no idea, and that is exactly what you wanted. You almost think of turning around to press his jaw back up to his upper lip but then you hear the tone of the elevator again, as quickly as you hear it chime, you see in the reflection of the glass a quick motion of his hand, as he flicks his wrist at the console of brightly lit buttons flashing each floor, and the elevator stops abruptly. You are about to turn around but before you can turn your body, he is behind your pushing you against the glass, his lips locked into your neck as your writhe in the moment. Your hair falls to the side as you push into his kiss. Your body pressed tightly against the window, your mind races wildly, what if someone is watching, who cares if someone is watching, your mind quickly returns to the subject at hand when his teeth meet your skin for a playful intention. You feel your body fill with heat as you now have no concept of humility anymore. You just intend on becoming his as he pulls at the straps on your body. You hear the clasps unhook with sharp resounding noises. One by one, still entrenched in your neck with his mouth. You let out a gasp of ecstasy.  You reach around you unbuckling his belt and pulling his neatly pressed shirt from his pants. You hear the clasp of his pants undo, and the thought of what will happen next has you let out a soft but noticeable moan.

He can tell that the public-ness of the situation has heightened all your senses, and has turned animalistic in his approach. He runs his hand up the back of your head your hair filling his fingers, as he pulls you around to face him. Your hair pulls as you are forced to turn, you feel the little amount of cover you had on slip down your body since he had managed to pry it all loose. You hear its connect with the floor as he pushes his body into yours.

You reel your head back in the passion of the moment, your hair hanging weightlessly against your back and you feel him lift you up off the ground only your back is pressed against the glass the rest pushed against and over him. With firm and strong motions you both embrace each other, feeling the cables tightening above you as you sway slightly from the intense motions. You let out all sounds that fill your head and body, your bodies begin to perspire from the act itself and the situational circumstances, fearful but emotionally tangled in the danger.

10 floors up the sounds of your last explosive moments can be heard resounding through the elevator shaft itself, through the cracks of each floors doors, not even diminishing as it travels.

The chimes of the floors once again begin to sound again, and as quickly as the last sound chimes, you wake up in his arms, dazed but wide awake. You pull out of his arms, grab the sheet to cover yourself as you go to look out the window at the day ahead of you, as you pull the curtains back you quickly look at the clock, it reads 10 pm.  You realize this is because you landed only a few hours earlier and are still on your home time. You see him lying with the remaining sheets barely covering his naked body, the curves and cuts accentuated by the shadows caused by the open curtain and the moonlight spilling in. He begins to open his eyes, as you move back to the bed, gently getting on it walking on your knees, as the crisp sheets rustle beneath you, bent over to push towards him tenderly. You meet his eyes opening. You kiss him softly and whisper in his ear, “Want to try to get dinner again?”

Practice Dating and Lists

When I was young, as many others did, I had created a list of “wants” from a significant other. While this seemed to work when I was 14, as I got older I realized this was a really poor way to approach dating. I guess I figured “must have beaten the third stage of the fourth boss in my favorite video game” was a bit too unrealistic.

So what better place to explore the “no expectations” ideal than online dating. Oh the irony. Online dating is starting to look to me more and more like a dating 101 class than actually meeting people to form a real relationship.

I mean between figuring out how to end poor dates without excuses, learning the different sub genres of people and personalities, and actually enjoying yourself, you have to battle through those who are using the tiny semblance of anonymity provided by these sites to boost their egos, recover from breakups, or feel they are not worthy of another counterpart due to a self perceived flaw.. so you start to subconsciously make that list again!

But unlike childhood we aren’t writing these down, making some sort of crayola version of an excel sheet to keep track, we are just experiencing it on every date we go on and either smiling or cringing when it happens. 

All the different parts of people, their voices, their personalities, their likes, dislikes, outdoorsy, indoorsy, drug use, animals, kids, social skills, their height, their body size, their smile, lips, sexual compatibility, smell, pheromones, 2d pictures vs 3d in person… That silly list you had as a child starts to become a real thing but this time with dislikes, likes, loves, and deal-breakers. Yes deal-breakers are a thing, that one thing that you can literally breath out and say, “phew I don’t have to talk to 5 people at once and just 4 now that I realized this person has a deal-breaker.”

What I am starting to realize is there is a lot more that needs to match up for a match that can bring me happiness, problem is there is really no way to expedite the process. We have to experience multiple dates with these people in order to get past intuition and actual application in real life scenarios. I didn’t realize someone I liked was extremely racist until we went out for the third time and I almost crawled under the table as she berated the Chinese waitress for not speaking perfect English.

Each person we date or are attracted to usually has one or two of these things we have been adding to this fictitious list, but not all of them, making us feel unsatiated, thus afterwards deciding to move on. Not only the good but we are adding the bad too. So as we date more we are checking things off the list but simultaneously and maybe even subconsciously adding them. Because the difference is night and day when we meet someone with 90% of our indescribable experience list… Even the smallest thing like the sound of someone’s voice can have a huge impact.

Is the massive amount of dates just making us numb to seeing what is right in front of us? Or worse yet are we piling onto a metaphorical list through jaded dates? Are we putting more value on the bad than the good? It is like after each date we are rebounding and the next person who is the opposite of the last date just jumped up the list because we aren’t seeing the things that may be even worse for us.

I guess I am still a romantic at heart though as Because even with this happening when I run across someone who breaks the mold of the categories and sub-genres I have put people into.. Someone whose voice makes me nervous I might stumble my own words but feeling comfortable enough to do so and makes me feel insecure and vulnerable from the chance that they not feel the same way… Well if you can embrace it, it is truly amazing.

I am online for dating because I believe in the idea that technology can help us to skip some of the less desirable parts of “meeting” and truly make great connections. If we don’t invest some time into an honest profile, aren’t we just showing our faces for a physical attraction and then drudging through figuring out what in the profile was real or a boasted version of self? How does this differ than going to a bar? We have so much more control over our “self” on these sites than we admit to and I feel like it is time we start acting on it.

But for now the list grows, changes, gets marked up, folded, bookmarked, highlighted, and the like. I cannot wait for the day that I can tear it to shreds and start actually diving into the real fun: Love.

A Metro Lumberjack with Wifi

If you are looking for the guy who is mysterious, I may not be your choice, not because I am not good at keeping the intrigue going, keeping you on your toes, or being a “man”, but because I choose communication over fighting down the road over notions of “who I am with you” and “who I am with myself”. I can dress nice, I can grow a beard, I can also shave and look like a total bum, and wear plaid. I am great with my hands, but also text faster than a jack rabbit, doing what jack rabbits do quickly. Perception really. Your wants at the time of reading this and my perception of what I want. Does that mean if we agree with each others ideas it is inception? *epic music here*

I am really not a fan of bars or packed clubs… Every now and again it is enjoyable but I am 9 times out of 10 happier with you laying on me in the middle of the park. Shit I am even happy without talking and just enjoying the people and falling asleep in the afternoon. Does that mean I don’t like going out? Hell no, I love it, but I love the woods, I love the water, I love working on a project, building something, wearing my most comfy outfit while sitting on the patio but enjoying the company of everyone around. Grab a drink, don’t grab a drink, go in the kiddie pool, order some food, go upstairs to shit, whatever you want. It is calm and natural. Also I am damn good at doing nothing and being 100% ok with it. I do not have FOMA (fear of missing out). I did when I was younger but then I realized that fear was actually causing me to miss out… Mostly on enjoyable things by forcing myself to look for it too much, often ending in tiring boring nights of the same old shit.

Watching the other people at bars and clubs makes me hate civilization. Looking at these people lining the walls, with a fake “yo I am cooler than you” face is weird. Watching every girl coming in with more and more ass hanging out confuses me. Sitting in the corner of a smelly room paying excruciating prices for a glass of 20 dollar bottle of wine. I will never understand it. Shit I wanna use that dance floor to make a fool of myself. Surrounded by people who will enjoy it. I would prefer the opposite of any dance film where everyone is a professional and just have the worst person in the middle be the winner.

I often try to think of ideas for third and fourth dates and I realize I want to do the same thing I would suggest for 1 and 2, food, a museum, the park, a hike, pool, maybe a movie on the couch? Do I feel like it makes me less attractive, yup. I feel as though to fit in sometimes you have to know the best restaurants in this city of culture and diversity. You have to be able to suggest the best wine, not to mention afford it. But I am truly just happy to be with you. As long as we are looking in the same direction, laughing at the same people we walk by, I am happier with you, and noticing the weird looking squirrel than wherever our destination may be, hopefully you notice the squirrel too. I am also content just to be doing our own thing but around each other. (according to those close to me, I clean 1000 times better when someone is just sitting with me haha) I find that exploring and finding the cool places with you would be more fun than a fully planned out evening ever could be. I also wonder if asking you to the park on a first date is going to make me less “mysterious” and a “man’s man”, hindering my ability to “court” you. Does a big bill and drinks = fuckable and a calm day in the park = boring? I just wanna scream “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” sometimes.

I honestly fantasize about living as far from a busy city as you can get. I fantasize of waking up to the smell of coffee, going into the yard and doing some work, maybe going to the corner store and puttering around to help the random tourist bus with their needs, and then focusing on chatting with the people around me and ultimately ending up home next to you, maybe you are reading a book leaning on me as I fall asleep or we are just in the same house finishing up what we need to do. But we are together and there is no pressure other than the need to take care of life, each other, and check in on youtube cat videos here and there. I think with the right company this lifestyle will give more pleasure than a fast paced, high paying, job could ever. Or why not both? I mean we were raised with the idea that eventually we find a job/career, make money, and love, yet we always seem to put love on the backburner.

But back on topic, will our first date in the park be on the day you really wanted a drink in a bar? You never know, but at least, we get to meet in person, and at least feel if there is something there instead of googling it. And I have come to a somewhat understanding that I am ok with this as long as it means being me.

“What I’m trying to make a point of is yes it’s those little simple everyday human things that I wish people valued more It’s the smallest things that create real intimacy and the smallest things that create and lead to big things“ – A.A.A.

Safety Date

I too often have gone on dates where I am told via text before arriving(because that is what we do to avoid the awkward conversations these days), “I have to leave in an hour, meeting a girlfriend for X Y Z”. Now this could be true or it could be total bullshit. The amusing factor is it is done for the same reason every time: a safety net from a bad date. For a person like me that couldn’t even quite deal with the timer on a Mario game back during my childhood, these trivial times on dates make me not want to leave the house in the first place. I am going on a date to enjoy the time, not plan for it to be a disaster or feel like I will lose an extra life if I go over the designated timelimit.

I have been on my fair share of dates where I realize within a few minutes of meeting that there is literally no connection. It is amazing what being in person with three dimensions, voice, pheromones, and close contact can have versus a two dimensional photo on a dating site and the obligatory resume or the notorious “About Me”.

So what do I do? I can tell you what I used to do; nothing. I would slog out the night filling the empty space with “uh huhs” and “yeahs”. Constantly checking my phone hoping candy crush(disclaimer I never have nor will I ever play that game!) will somehow become the worlds best excuses app, but constantly realizing all I have in the pipe is “My grandmother died”… and then I feel guilty for thinking it. Yeah not a very good one. So now I am not only doing a disservice for myself but to the person across from me. Trying to be boring enough so maybe they will want to end it and take the burden off me. To me that is exactly what the “timer” is, a tedious way to regulate a date before it even begins and if we are having a great time, trust me I don’t want you to leave just to keep the facade alive of your “plans”.

What do I do now? I tell the person the truth. WHAT!? You would be amazed at how much less invasive the truth is. This is NOT a skill I had inherently, this was something I had to teach myself. I had to build up my own belief in the idea that I need to protect myself a little bit as well. Not from danger but from situations that made me uncomfortable. I was asked once, “why did you stay if you were not enjoying your time?” I said, “I didn’t know what to say.” I was answered quickly, “Why not the truth”… I literally laughed out loud, but when I saw they were serious and considered it a way to care about and/or protect yourself a bit, for someone who is used to giving, I saw the figurative lightbulb over my head light up.  I needed to figure out a “timer” without hindering the possibilities of a good date. So I decided to go with the truth. Trust me the first few times were a little messy, but even the worst ones(which were not that bad), I got a text later on thanking me for my honesty and it was just not something they were used to. And ya know what? It felt really good to be able to protect that inside of myself that feels trapped when I am with someone I am not interested in. It let me go about my day/night the way I wanted without wasting time and energy on something I knew wasn’t going to work. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you are on a train wreck so horrific you can’t even get yourself to look away, but what I didn’t realize is how much less jaded I got when I was able to go into a new date and know I was in control of my own comfort, if I felt no connection I could now openly explain to the other person, in a kind way, that I would like to end it right then, instead of dragging out something and being totally fake. It has made internet dating so much less nerve wracking. It doesn’t lead anyone on and it gives you actual control over something I always thought was uncontrollable.

So how is this different than the timer? I suppose different strokes for different folks, but imagine this if you may… If everyone approached the first date like this, would you even need to tell someone in what would become a redundant, yet currently obligatory text at the end of the night, “I had a good time”. If you made it through the date, guess what is implied? Yup. One change would make a ripple effect on how dating feels. It could literally make a good date that much better because no one is leaving the date wondering. I often reference European culture in respect to not having to question a date and how it went, and being able to be yourself. Take a gander at this article: http://www.myfrenchlife.org/2014/06/18/french-vs-american-dating/ A kiss in the French culture means exclusive. Hookups are less of a faux pa and “dating” doesn’t exist, they don’t even have a word for date. So there is a much more distinct line between getting to know someone comfortably and openly than just trying to get laid. The difference between a date where you are following strange dating mechanics of “doing” rather than “being”. But one step at a time. What do you think? Will you choose to tell the truth next time? Because it really is just that, a very conscious choice. And even if it feels harder, it ultimately ends up being easier on your soul.

It is today, your today, and it is interesting to me.

I am extremely passionate about the world. I love to be a part of it, analyzing it, figuring it out, being frustrated that I can’t always get the answer. But I will fight tooth and nail to find out or talk my way into an answer! Shit I think I am passionate about being passionate… and when I am not, it shows clear as day.

Being in a city of passionate people, I want to explore the places familiar and unfamiliar with someone I can hold in my arms, to make the experiences different as if it was the first time all over again, because you are there.

I have so many interests, I am not a cookie cutter, I like to try it all. I want to be peeled back like an onion, and I will even help you peel back the pieces to speed up the process, I have always believed in getting to know someone without reservation or thought of “I could get hurt” because honestly, how many times can you go into a situation like meeting someone new with those ideals and not miss out on what could be or waste time on what shouldn’t be because of caution. Damn straight I am OK with being hurt, that is the risk to finding the perfect match isn’t it? If we all strive for Money, Careers, and Love, why is it that Love always gets the stepchild treatment when it comes to the effort we put into it. Why are we so afraid to go after it the same we would react to someone offering us a million dollars to jump eyes closed into a once in a lifetime opportunity. I know people will fight tooth and nail for their goals in life, so why not put that same effort into a relationship.

To me that is the part where I am learning, learning to protect myself from myself. How does one date and protect themselves while being open and sharing to get to know the the other person. I have always been very bad at the protecting myself part. I often share a lot which in turn makes the other person comfortable with me but what am I getting in return to feel comfortable as well. I need to learn how to “reject” those who I do not feel are good for me. I need to stop compromising myself and what I love so as a strange validation that I am me. I am always me. You could be my mother, my best friend, my co-worker, I will talk to you and treat you the same. I don’t want to worry about my different “personas” I will get lost, I will forget my own name. I hope the right person can realize I am not their ex-boyfriend and won’t treat me as such. I often make the perfect “first date” to go on with if you just broke up with a boyfriend, and you are actually not looking to date, but want company and need help sorting the massive mind fuck you and him created for one another. However I am not going through more years of school to get a doctorate so I can legitimately start charging per hour.  I still am looking for that person that makes a blog entry like this obsolete in my life. A person who makes me shut down a dating profile for good. I am actually one of the few looking for the means to an end, to create a beautiful beginning; naturally, organically, and somewhat digitalized.

I will 99 out of a 100 times be more inclined to sit with the person I am dating, talking, than I will be to go to a club.

I think being able to walk down the street and being on the same wavelength of what grabs your attention is important. It is the difference between pulling on your sleeve and yelling,

“OMG LOOK THERE LOOK THERE LOOK THERE” before you miss it and just turning to you and bursting into laughter together.

I understand NYC is a city of don’t look up but I believe even though I too do not look up, seeing the people and the environment of social euphoria breaths a certain life into my spirit. I took that for granted when I moved to California after living out there for 5 years and moved back to NYC for the social/cultural inspiration I grew up with. So YES I point out the street performer that I think is amazing, and yes I talk about the people I see that strike my fancy, or the conversation I overhear from the person on the subway next to me, I still get motivated by them as part of this walking canvas NY.

I do NOT have all my life goals together, my career, my head, they are not clear, they are in process, scary, anxiety inducing spurts of extremes, and I think that is OK. I have a different opinion on the “knowing yourself” before you can meet someone else. Albeit I respect who I am and don’t really have walls to life, and really am always me 24 / 7(with some help here and there to remember) but I thought a lot about that idea and I came up with, I believe we will find ourselves till the day we die because the days leading up to death define us, as well as the people we meet. So if we didn’t look while we were also finding ourselves it would be too late. I believe it isn’t how people interact doing different things but how they are with each other at the moments in front of them.

Three years ago to the day I left a very good job in terms of “job standards” to pursue my passions and to fill the emptiness in me that I would call ultimate happiness. It was hard and continues to be. I am not your 100k+ a year guy anymore, nor do I prioritize that. If I wanted money to be the deciding factor I would have stayed put, but it turns out money really cannot buy you happiness, only a SHIT TON can lol. (no I don’t expect someone to buy me dinner, but I do expect a mutual respect of financial comfort)

The last thing I want people to know, is I believe that people judge on snippets like these too often, when in turn these are just small layers of who we are, and to me the cool part of this is that we can talk about it after we write our blurbs. It allows us to see past the MOMENT that this was written and know the person as a whole.

The Second Date Limbo

It is so incredibly complicated getting to the second date these days. The rules of “3 days before a call” have long been muddied, if not completely forgotten. Now you are faced with the dilemma of liking an Instagram photo, responding to a Facebook post, texting an indifferent message once every day or two so not to seem too interested but still interested enough until schedules line up. The balancing act of  texts between multiple dates, hoping you don’t message the wrong person the wrong response, timing your texts so not to be assumed you are overbearing.

All these unspoken “rules”, impossible to master without literally not giving a shit, because texts are usually two or three lines of nothing of consequence. So you sit there looking at your time stamps and read recipes wondering if the other person

A is just not interested

B doing the same shit

C has nothing interesting to say

So you question saying hi because saying hi is so damn easy these days. Nothing rings, no running to the phone, just hit a button, tap a screen, flush, and be on your way. The amount of times someone like me who enjoys conversation and interaction gets questioned if I am overzealous is hard to count. If I am in love with you after one date, first you must be amazing beyond words for a text, and secondI woulda sent you flowers.(this is not a dead art dammit!)

(Shit having this blog makes most people assume I am obsessed with love.)

This period between date one and maybe even three or four is confusing, judgmental, and just plain silly. The “I had a good time with you tonight” and if you are feeling generous and not cryptic “would love to see you again” is usually the only sane text after and before date one. It happens somewhere between one and two hours after the first date ends and is usually met with an “I agree” or “me too” but it never defines when you will see the other again. So you are now wondering, should I follow up with a time, or do I wait until tomorrow since I just left. There is no more “distance” because it is so easy to talk immediately after seeing one another. Questioning your own texts perchance they will be taken out of context of trying to get to the next date sucks. Then the time between setting up a time and the date… should you send a few texts here and there to get to know them a bit more?

In my opinion we should use all these communication methods not as a label for “desperate” but a tool to transition smoothly from one date to the next. i understand some people are nuts, but isn’t that what the first date was for? You should probably have a good indication of crazy or not by now. This would allow us some time to talk a little more about our daily life that isn’t considered proper first date etiquette. But nope… We stumble and question and end up looking at a slew of texts over a period of time assuming the other person, if their texts start to amount to something more than a screen’s worth,(mind you this is still probably no more than 10 sentences on 4 inch screen), is a loser, has no other prospects, is obsessed, or likes is more than them. All of this is a false sense of balance and it blows. And remember if you see the “is typing” animation don’t text before it sends or you look too desperate… Growing up in the AIM generation doesn’t help me here haha. 

Don’t even get me started on trying to call someone…..

Do I actually miss you?

You can say I miss you to someone within the first few minutes of meeting them, but what are you truly missing? I think I have always thought it would be nice to miss someone or just default to saying it as a kind way of saying I was looking forward to seeing them again. However, I am starting to realize that I may have been using it wrong, missing the idea of what I saw as a glimmer of hope of what could be. Having it feel good but stop at that. How long does it actually take to truly miss someone? I am talking about missing them as a being not as a thought. Not missing the process, but missing their conversation, missing their laughter, missing their personality, missing how they make me feel and how I perceive I make them feel. I miss you can feel so much better when you truly feel like their actions, words, physicality, affection, and who they are makes you feel… for lack of a better term, complete.

I would almost go as far as saying “I miss you” can be taken in similar light as “I love you” but because it is not as in your face, it is thrown around much easier. Kinda like saying “I heart you” before you are ready to truly say “love”.

That’s why date two..three… four…are way more important than date one in terms of truly understanding the person in front of you. As much as I would love to believe in “love at first sight” my logical side sees how you can only truly get to know someone so much each time you see them. Have you seen them cry? Have you had the chance to decide on what to eat while watching Netflix? Have you taken the time to wake up to them? Have you felt them in your arms while you slept? Have you talked to them after a bad day of work? Have you run around the park with them on a warm day? Have you laid out on the grass in the middle of the day with them saying nothing at all? All of these things are important to establish a baseline of who they are. Much to my own dislike for delayed gratification, take time. You start to dispel the “idea of the person” and see the person in front of you.

So who is to say, once you truly, actually, full heartedly “miss” someone, that perhaps you are or have fallen in love with them too. I feel as though you can still miss the touch of a person, the chemistry of a person, and just the general feeling of not being alone in a very saturated world of Tinders, Okcupids, and Women/Men at a fingers swipe. And it is easy to quickly say “I miss you” and for it to feel sweet and sincere. But when you truly think about it, when you truly allow yourself the part of your mind that processes moment to moment as well as the larger picture, to truly miss someone and to understand what it means to say it, I believe will and should feel different. I want to, when saying or for that fact, hearing “I miss you”, know the person actually has a grasp of me and misses the person I am and not the idea of who I can be or the hole I might fill, if after that sunova bitch… time; which is the catalyst for truly knowing a person beyond what a few pre-planned dates can deliver, it turns out we truly do miss each other.

P.S. I feel like there is something about getting away from someone and then coming back fresh and having a new experience that shows you something new about them. I think you can MISS SOMEONE don’t get me wrong, but to MISS MISS someone I feel like it is two different experiences in one expression. Basically time is the ONLY way to get all the pieces to the puzzle that is “us” as human beings. And I am sure there is a certain point where we have enough to feel the “miss” part as knowing another person is an ongoing thing, but without the actually time clocked, I think there is an actual information barrier that cannot be completed. 

Intimi”dating”…

Dating can be intimidating.. with all the different dates we go on, it feels like a rush to the metaphorical finish line of “pulling full attention”. So we work hard to get it, but do we compromise just being ourselves for the “win”?

It’s all about perception, state of mind, and timing.

Will tomorrow be a day of bliss or agony for you? Maybe it felt slow for you, maybe it felt fast… then we have a date and you meet me with the day on your mind. Now will my day counter or compliment yours? Will my timeline, like an inner monologue match speeds?

What if you had a date yesterday. What if it went well? Do you now compare everything I say to the good you saw from that date? Of course. It is natural. But does this affect the whole?

What if the date was terrible and it makes my mediocre seem refreshing?

Timing, perception, and general ability to be the same person we are when doing errands as we are on a date all play an important role in the first date. If we can be who we are with our friends with this new person I feel like we can avoid the ‘competitive” need to win or fight over that first “dating pool” hump. It either works or doesn’t, but many don’t like this idea because not a lot of people go naked to a first date. Most wear hard to penetrate jeans or baggy outfits to protect themselves. So in our 80’s attire wearing minds, even if one is themselves, what guarantees the other is? Nothing and I believe that is why it is frustrating. You go in as yourself and you hope the other person can be too. Is it incompatibility if one person isn’t able to get over the first date jitters? Is it incompatibility if one person is having a different perception that day? Should your potential match “date” like you date?

That’s why date two..three… four…are way more important than date one. You established a baseline and now you want to explore more. You start to dispel the “idea” of the person and see the person in front of you.  You can start to “I miss you” with an actual representation than the innate need to want.

What if having such a large pool of people to “pick” from has made us numb to what is in front of us? I find a lot of dates end with a feeling of not even knowing if I should call or text more. Not knowing how to even approach a second date, sometimes this will even apply to date two and three. It isn’t because I feel disconnected from you, actually I am quite interested, and we seem to be having a great time together, but there is this weird nonchalant feeling to it. Complacency with first dates over the idea of seeing more. As if perhaps we have to act “cool” so not to mess with our busy lives or open up to hurt. I want to say “I would love to go out together on another “date” and perhaps see if you were interested as well, more than just “cool dude” but “hmm might make a nice boyfriend, eventually, maybe, perhaps, could be, worth checking out” “ without having to say it.

(last snippet taken from above entry, “do I really miss you?”)

Why is the truth so bad?

I want to hold hands and make out in public. Go to the movies. Take road trips and see beautiful places. Share things, be intimate and close to another person. Cuddle on the couch and watch tv. I want the simple things. That sounds so cheesy, but it’s honestly what I’m looking for. 

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