Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Month: May 2012

What day is it,?“ asked Pooh.
"It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.
“My favorite day,” said Pooh.

Winnie the Pooh and My life.

I had no choice it told me to eat the whole thing!

Took a week off

And it was GREAT!

Gave me the energy to get back into it this week. 

After 5 months without ONE break, worked through colds, pressure to do other shit, and whatever else you could think of, I didn’t miss ONE day. So I took a week off cause I was burnt. It helped A TON.

And this week I am back at it. Feels great!

Meditation to me…

My meditation doesn’t come in the form of a chant or breath excercise, (actually I believe there should be some Rocky theme music playing when doing Yoga, if I am able to get my body into those hard positions, I want some gratifying “YOU DID IT” music as reward, not birds chirping in my ear and bells making me lose my balance through a resonation in my inner ear… wow OFF TOPIC… anywhoo..)

I find my meditation through climbing a mountain in the crisp fall air, out of breath, totally submitted to my body and the world around me, and in those tiny moments when I can catch my breath, pause and wait for the next step, I get a feeling of clarity. The quiet, the fresh air, the world around me. And in that split second I get the meditation that some will sit for hours in silence to achieve(which is not bad, just this is what works for me). So if you could share those moments with me, that would be pretty great.

Meditation to me…

My meditation doesn’t come in the form of a chant or breath excercise, (actually I believe there should be some Rocky theme music playing when doing Yoga, if I am able to get my body into those hard positions, I want some gratifying “YOU DID IT” music as reward, not birds chirping in my ear and bells making me lose my balance through a resonation in my inner ear… wow OFF TOPIC… anywhoo..)

I find my meditation through climbing a mountain in the crisp fall air, out of breath, totally submitted to my body and the world around me, and in those tiny moments when I can catch my breath, pause and wait for the next step, I get a feeling of clarity. The quiet, the fresh air, the world around me. And in that split second I get the meditation that some will sit for hours in silence to achieve(which is not bad, just this is what works for me). So if you could share those moments with me, that would be pretty great.

A bit of me…

I understand NYC is a city of don’t look up but I believe even though I too do not look up, seeing the people and the environment of social euphoria breaths a certain life into my spirit. I took that for granted when I moved to California. After living out there for 5 years I moved back to NYC for the social/cultural inspiration I grew up with. So YES I will point out the street performer that I think is amazing, and yes I will talk about the people I see that strike my fancy, or the conversation I overhear from the person on the subway next to me, I still get motivated by them as part of this walking canvas NY.

If you sum me up as a 1 page self summary, a 3 hour convo, or all day correspondence, you might as well just not talk to me, because I am not any of the above. I am a person with ideas and thoughts, someone who may or may not spark your brain and gain from it as well. I have anxiety toward things, fears, bad days, shitty days, but I smile and I move forward. If you are moving forward too, I want to know you.

I have not met you, I don’t know how your brain works yet, how you live your life, what your ideals are. All I know are sporadic profile stories and a glimpse into your emotion, inflection, and life. I am just asking you this: would your prefer complete safety as you take this part of your life journey, or do you mind me throwing shit at you that may or may not stick in the end? I don’t want to be the compromise, I want to be the inspiration, smiles, stories, memories, Polaroids of an adventure.

A bit of me…

I understand NYC is a city of don’t look up but I believe even though I too do not look up, seeing the people and the environment of social euphoria breaths a certain life into my spirit. I took that for granted when I moved to California. After living out there for 5 years I moved back to NYC for the social/cultural inspiration I grew up with. So YES I will point out the street performer that I think is amazing, and yes I will talk about the people I see that strike my fancy, or the conversation I overhear from the person on the subway next to me, I still get motivated by them as part of this walking canvas NY.

If you sum me up as a 1 page self summary, a 3 hour convo, or all day correspondence, you might as well just not talk to me, because I am not any of the above. I am a person with ideas and thoughts, someone who may or may not spark your brain and gain from it as well. I have anxiety toward things, fears, bad days, shitty days, but I smile and I move forward. If you are moving forward too, I want to know you.

I have not met you, I don’t know how your brain works yet, how you live your life, what your ideals are. All I know are sporadic profile stories and a glimpse into your emotion, inflection, and life. I am just asking you this: would your prefer complete safety as you take this part of your life journey, or do you mind me throwing shit at you that may or may not stick in the end? I don’t want to be the compromise, I want to be the inspiration, smiles, stories, memories, Polaroids of an adventure.

Ramblings of the day. “Friends”

I get a strange feeling that I never really understood how to “maintain” friends. Sure I know people… but I don’t have that close group of people that call and text me to come out on Friday nights or stop by from time to time. Is that a bad thing? I had that when I was younger but then I left for California made new friends, mostly work friends since it was a new place, then I left that and came back, some of the old friends were gone, etc etc.. I dunno I feel like I have close friends who live miles away, but is that enough for them to care if I went to the hospital or died? Is it weird to be thinking about the fact that I don’t want a funeral with just relatives at this age lol. Ok back to being HAPPY SMILEY TRISTAN! lol Needed a moment of morbid.

I dunno sometimes I picture myself as this antisocial reclusive, when in reality I thrive in situations where there are 1000 people around me all talking at once. I have a great sense of awareness in situations that are overwhelming haha. I have those people in my life that are my life friends, but we don’t talk till one of us gets married or has a big life moment. Plus I do seem to put a lot of time in front of a computer and the world of 0’s and 1’s so even though I don’t interact in person as much as I used to, I do it through this box of wizardry. I have trouble accepting people as CLOSE friends as well because I have VERY strong opinions of people who “get it” or “have your back”. 

I also feel as though smoking was one of those things that forced me out of my bubble. It gave me an acceptable even though unacceptable way to interact more. Being that I don’t drink, hate bars, and think sports are dumb unless you play them or have awesome commercials to watch like the superbowl… It makes it hard to connect with people on that level of “Lets just hang”. When I was young even when I had that group of friends that we were out every minute of our lives or we felt like we were wasting an evening, it was to find girls. Haha. That doesn’t work as well these days, because “finding girls” very much revolves around paying for drinks and going to places that don’t promote the “finding” part very well other than a cat and mouse game session. 

California was the worst for that though, as going out meant standing and looking pretty and putting up a facade for the night. Here at least we sweat in humidity and dance. 🙂 

But yeah… I suppose I just don’t feel NORMAL sometimes and NORMAL seems kinda nice from time to time.

(Oh to clarify I REFUSE to start smoking again, even if 5 months in my brain STILL wants it. I refuse to have an upset stomach every night just so I can eat a little more junk food without worrying and the social aspects of it.)

I look at some of the ways people get by today and look at the younger generation 18-22. And their life is so interesting to me, yet so far out of my grasp haha. It is funny cause I don’t see them as younger anymore I see them as me. So that is confusing as well. Seeing what people do to pass their time, especially since it is sooo in your face with youtube and the internet. It looks soo doable and feels right yet when you REALLY look at it you realize that is NOT who you are and not how you want to do things… It isn’t such a huge gap but it feels like lightyears difference.

Www.MybrainDecidedNottoLetmeDrinkorDoDrugsanymoreSoINeedNewWaystoMeetPeopleandHavefunwithoutbeingQuestionedFormyDecisions.com 

The other weird thing about it all is the feeling that even if you “connect” these days(mostly talking about girls with this one), they will read your writing either one of two ways: 1: You are making it up as a formula for getting them to fall for you because how else would you have such similar feelings and beliefs. 2: You talk too much and now they think they know all there is to know about you, because why would anyone be more than 1 dimension, when in reality what you wrote is only a small thought from a small moment of your day.

That is super frustrating since my writing is something I like to share, but it is a hit or miss with that. And when it hits it usually has repercussions.  But when someone will actually TAKE THE TIME to meet me in person they usually will see me for me and not the internet persona people seem to put others into these days. Problem I find there is that usually ends up with me feeling unsatisfied as I have been trying so hard to defend who I am, that they have gotten a free pass to not tell me anything about themselves. So now that they like what they see, they forget that they too have to put in some effort to show me who they are.

And on another completely different side note, I guess I also feel like I lost a lot of inspiration in my writing because I can’t seem to see past some of the darker stuff. And I am used to writing about the hopeful parts of life. Writing with enthusiasm, instead of angst. I feel like people will read my downer moments as complaints rather than a moment where I too feel depressed, sad, or lonely at times.

Ok, anyway… at this point I am just rambling off to get it down on paper. My bad haha.

I get this. I do this. But you have no idea how many times I am told that I should be less positive

I get this. I do this. But you have no idea how many times I am told that I should be less positive

judimalantay:

I will forever REBLOG this video. Every time I see it on my Dashboard I reblog it.

Respect for you man. You understand life.

fitvillains: Amen.

fitvillains: Amen.

The Reality Is…

Lately I have been in a rut. I feel low even though things are good in some senses and mysterious in others.

I have doubts of my life goals, my future decisions, and my current ones as well.

As you may or may not know I quit smoking, it was 5 months a few days ago, and it is still a struggle. Then I think about the fact that 5 months passed and realize my life is not where I thought it would be by now which makes me get semi depressed because even after “searching” and “trying” many jobs, paths, goals, I still have NO IDEA what I want to do with my life, and I have tried a LOT. And a lot of those “attempts” were VERY successful. 

How can you pick ONE thing to dedicate a huge chunk of your life to if you don’t know if you will like it for more than a weekend. 

I also have this huge want to just speak my mind 100% lately. Fuck the “joking” “sarcasm” and other methods to skirt the true to others so they take it without getting pissed.

I am tired of this so called tactful way of saying “You are a complete dick and I want nothing to do with you”. 

Why should we be pissed if someone has a different opinion or view on things. Why should we be pissed if we don’t fit someone elses life. Just say it how it is.

I suppose I figured also that by now I would have found someone to be in my life with me. I also thought I would have some sort of fame to my name by now. Yes I have achieved many things including that so called “fame” but it was fast fleeting and never had the effect I wanted from it: To be able to have an impact on those around me with what I have to share. And through that I would have access to more people to possibly be in my life with me. But alas it doesn’t work that way. And the groupie is probably not the best way to find love.

I have a very in depth view of love and relationships, and I have found I will speak my mind on that subject more than others, so when I share what I write about it they often react well. But where is that yin to my yang that has a million opinions, loves a million things, and can love me for that fact that I don’t have my shit together yet but know how to love. 

Where is my hiking partner that doesn’t mind if I get lost in a video game or random obsessive compulsive endeavor? 

I am in great shape and all I want is for someone to hold my arms and touch my stomach now that they are changing to me too. Someone to notice it and enjoy it. I feel like I am wasting it.

I put a lot of emphasis on my own physical appearance because I don’t feel like myself when I am bigger, yet I seem to attract women more when I am out of shape… I don’t get it other than maybe I put so much emphasis on it, I subconsiously try less because I feel like my personality isn’t as important if I have abs of steel haha. But I am still the same teddy bear, romantic at heart boy who just wants to wake up and run my hands through her hair, kiss her forehead, and go on with my day knowing I will see her when I return. 

My dreams are messed up lately too. From being at my old job, to getting ill, to other weird things that are hard to explain due to them being dreams(the sleeping kind). My mind is a mess, and I wish I had someone to keep track of them with me other than my family. 

Will I never find that job because I can’t make up my mind? And because I can’t make up my mind will I not be able to love? Love finds you so they say, but right now my days consist of me working out alone, working alone, and feeling very alone.

I dunno. I am scared, feeling down, and also feeling great because of my physical shape. But even that is fleeting.

Blah 

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