Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Month: March 2012

WOW! awesome job!! <3

Thank you 🙂 it is a good day today. 🙂 Here is to the continued path!

WOW! awesome job!! <3

Thank you 🙂 it is a good day today. 🙂 Here is to the continued path!

90 Days UPDATE

So I am very proud today. I have finished my first round of 90days of P90X/Insanity Hybrid, not only that but today marks the 90th day of no smoking! I wanted to post up the progress pictures. They go in order. I feel great. I didn’t put #’s I figured I would tell you here. I have gone from 170 to 159.8 and 17% Body Fat to 11 % . The amazing part of this is I stayed at 160 for majority of my time because I have put on a LOT of muscle from this program. The hiking helps and it helps the hikes. So all in all the Blitzkrieg on my health is going well. I want this to be a lifestyle a long term goal. Not just 90 days and up. I want to have a summer where I finally feel good about it. I always seem to get into shape for winter so this will be a nice change of pace. At this rate I have 3 months to get into even better shape for the beach 🙂 If you have any questions about my workout or diet feel free to ask. It isn’t super strict, but it is not easy either. But I feel good mentally and physically which is what matters.

Here was Day 1’s Blog entry: http://lostintxtlation.tumblr.com/post/17275477857/blitzkrieg-on-my-health

This is about more than looking good, this is about my overall health. And it will continue to be.

Month 1

Month 2

Month 2-3

Month 3

Month 2-3 Top to Bottom

Month 1

Month 2

That sweat was from LEGS only today. So all of you who ignore legs, THINK AGAIN. The second picture

That sweat was from LEGS only today. So all of you who ignore legs, THINK AGAIN.

The second picture was me stretching haha.

If there is a heaven, it will be made of thin mints.

If there is a heaven, it will be made of thin mints.

Lesson of the day, if in a rush, do not wear this shirt. Luckily I wasn’t in a rush :) FREE HU

Lesson of the day, if in a rush, do not wear this shirt. Luckily I wasn’t in a rush 🙂 FREE HU

Day 77 It is always the third month that yields the most physical change. Adding an intensive hike e

Day 77 It is always the third month that yields the most physical change. Adding an intensive hike e

A self confrontation of a shadow turned nighttime

P.S. (I know I am doing it wrong haha) This song was on repeat while writing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmCn9W7M7CQ or spotify: Ingrid Michaelson – Are We There Yet

I am sore and have taken a beating these last few months. But I feel good, no I feel great, I feel healthy, I feel strong, I feel physically capable, confident, and healthy. I breath the air yearning for it, not ignoring it as a daily activity. 

Here is the hike we did Yesterday:

Here is a video from this weekends hike:

It has been an amazing realization to know that the outdoors, the place I went to everyday as a child, sleeping with one eye open for, was still there waiting for me. Taking that first breath of the cool air, and getting the sensory memory overload from a childhood otherwise pushed aside now. Something meditative for the guy who can’t seem to get out of his head or stop talking, writing, txting, browsing the world around him.

This form of meditation was not through a chant or pose, but from the perspective of a child, my childhood, my carefree exploring mind of young, it gave me what normally hours of mediation would create for someone else, a sense of relief from the world, thoughts, and everything around us except that open, clear, cloud free mind, that just feels like a frozen moment in time, as if you were about to have a car wreck and the world slowed down just for you to see the events panning out before you. But in that moment you just saw the dust particles falling through the sun light infront of you, heard the leafs rustling, waterfalls pouring. It was and is beautiful.

I get home from these hikes now and don’t know what to do with myself if I am not outside now. The downfall to this is I have lost a little motivation to establish the social norms of “work” because I don’t see a clear path to anything yet that can be as enjoyable as that moment of clarity, nothing I love as much as this thing I just learned to love again. Ironically the “paths” I take while hiking, regardless of signs or maps, all feel comfortable and exciting. But my own “path” has yet to let me on it. I don’t know if I need to go up or down to get there.

I am still wandering this world unsure of my purpose. I have so many passions, I direct, I do photography, I used to act, I worked for a video game company, I did construction, worked at Mc Donalds, but I can’t tell you ONE of those that I value more than health, love, passion, happiness, family, and not taking life too seriously. I love to smile, I love to share my ability to smile, but how does someone make that into a “career”… I am yet to figure that out. I am starting to get frustrated at the “what are you doing for work” question again, (this was something I am familiar with, because it happened last time I quit smoking. I fell deep into it and lost hope. I refuse to do that this time… so I am talking about it outloud, I am confronting those things that scare me so much with open arms and no need to inhale on smoke to make it OK.) I am hearing myself wanting to get lost in a video game world to hide from my inability to achieve my own goals by achieving those in the world I do not exist in. And I find that conflicting with my need to wake up everyday and be active and outside, disconnected from Facebook, txting, phones, computers. I want to take the love of my life up on a mountain and just run together, or 10 feet ahead or behind each other, and still know we are on the mountain, breathing the same air, and eventually we will sit down and have lunch together.

I think those two ideas are starting to clash too, because yesterday on my hike, it may have had to do with exhaustion, but my anxiety was a little elevated for no good reason and has remained a bit elevated all day. I felt like I could get the panic feeling, but it never came. But I also fought it subconsciously by running up the last part of the trail and back down, in a record speed, just letting my legs move, and ignoring the pain or my brain saying to slow down. I just wanted to be in motion. And even though I was no longer hiking right next to my friend I knew he would catch up eventually and it was truly freeing to just jump down and up rocks, until I hit pavement again, and heard the sound of cars, resenting their exhausts and sounds, wanting to be at the top again.

As I write this I am actually figuring some of this stuff out too. Trying to figure myself out, while being punched in the face with a newfound love, but unable to make a living off of it can cause issues in the conscious. I have always felt so empowered by what my own body can achieve. And I love to share. Maybe that is a clue. Maybe my life isn’t behind a camera, but exploring, pushing my mind and body to the limit, and sharing my stream of conscious with those around me. Helping others to better themselves, not because I myself am better, but because I am passionate about sharing my everyday thoughts. The unoriginal originality. Inspiring through the simple idea of “I think that too!”, “I struggle there too”, “I want that too”, “I love too”. I have said before, we are, regardless of our achievements or fame, still looking to talk to others and connect with those around us, because at the end of the day and during, consists of just that, interactions, meaningless in an otherwise meaningful “idea” that is society. Figuring out a medium in which people will enjoy reading my 10 page hieroglyphics will be a challenge however. 🙂

So with the good comes the bad. But one day at a time here. One antsy, want to be outside, climbing, scrambling, breathing heavily, day at a time. 

get-skinny-get-mini: this looks so yummmyyy :o


this looks so yummmyyy 😮

We all have to start somewhere. This was from back when I was 200lbs. It was the first week of workout with my personal trainer in California. He helped me claim my life back. If interested in them, they are called Jungle Fitness. As for Jon Jung he is the MAN! So is Bon Gomes my trainer. I couldn’t even do a pullup. It has been a few years since that and I now maintain myself, and it is great to have their basework to start me off! Thanks guys!

A little frustrated today.

So I am a little frustrated today by my scale. I am 160 exactly and my body fat % showed up as 11.7 today which I think is down a point from the last time I checked (so that is good). While this isn’t the end of the world, I keep thinking back to when I smoked and how I could been at 155 by now because of the appetite suppression and metabolism boost it gave me. But like I said and will say it again, I am doing it right this time and if that means it is a little slower so be it. 

I am considering if after the 3rd month I don’t drop those #’s a bit at least the body fat, I could care less about the weight if I am in shape, then I wanna try replacing a mean a day with the shake from the P90X thing. It costs the same as my meals and is simpler haha.

Anyone have experience with the shakes?

I mean shit this weekend I did the hike of doom, it was intense and I was running up the side of a mountain without getting winded or tired, so you would think I would be less harsh on myself but I still am a bit harsh. 

Lets just get to 3 months and see how it all turns out on this routine… GO HEALTH haha.

First time hiking/climbing this very intense trail. It was amazing to say the least! Jason and I did a serious route, check out the map for details 😉

It was one intense ride!!! Lots of rock scrambling and high inclines. We will be returning for sure!

This is some video from the adventure:

Check out the whole set of pictures here:

Hiking Breakneck Ridge

A set by Tristan Pope

IMG_1624 IMG_1626 IMG_1625 IMG_1620 IMG_1621 IMG_1622 IMG_1623 IMG_1627 IMG_1628

First time hiking/climbing this very intense trail. It was amazing to say the least! Jason and I did

First time hiking/climbing this very intense trail. It was amazing to say the least! Jason and I did a serious route, check out the map for details 😉

It was one intense ride!!! Lots of rock scrambling and high inclines. We will be returning for sure!

This is some video from the adventure:

Check out the whole set of pictures here:

Hiking Breakneck Ridge

A set by Tristan Pope

IMG_1624 IMG_1626 IMG_1625 IMG_1620 IMG_1621 IMG_1622 IMG_1623 IMG_1627 IMG_1628

Real life Guile from Street Fighter achieved! I can die happy :P

Real life Guile from Street Fighter achieved! I can die happy 😛

Just proud of the progress so far. I ate like a feind this weekend and was able to quickly un-bloat

Just proud of the progress so far. I ate like a feind this weekend and was able to quickly un-bloat

Last time is not this time.

The last time I attempted to quit smoking I turned into a hermit. I ducked and dodged everything I loved: my family, the outdoors, my window where I used to sit, my sister who smokes, bars, phone calls, and anything that reminded me of smoking. If I could have stopped going to the bathroom I would have.

I made it 4 months. But let me tell you about those 4 months, they were dark, depressing, and in my head. I felt like a failure in life, in my career, in general. I stopped working out, I had no motivation, nor could I smoke my pre workout cigarette or after, so it just started to add up.

I gained weight, I looked shitty, and I felt shitty. I had trouble forming coherent thoughts, I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want jobs.

Needless to say, it all boiled up to a breaking point with some extreme depression and I smoked. Guess what? That first cigarette, gave me my speech back, my motivation back, me back. I felt invigorated. The girlfriend at the time had to go, I realized I was dating her because she fed into my newfound hermit. My lifestyle had to go and I went out again, met people, friends, colleagues. I nailed 3-4 freelance gigs including a very lucrative long term job within weeks. 

I started working out again. Although, never fully invested due to mindset. So I lost a few lbs but still felt like shit physically.

BUT, I was once again on my feet, active, productive, and clear. The “clouded” thoughts, mind, and body was clear and I was ready for everything.

Problem was, I was smoking again. And I thought perhaps this time I shouldn’t quit at all. But as my life began to fall into place I saw the issue, and I knew I would have to tackle it again. Smoking on and off since I was 14-15 has been rough.

My brain was also ready to get rid of the cigarettes. Sometimes your body just doesn’t want them anymore and you have to capitalize on that. I had to see a friend of mine go through chemo treatments when she is super healthy and never smoked, and I watched her strength during it, and realized I may not be that strong. And while not a deciding factor it helped to get my head thinking it was time to attempt quitting again. My mother said it indirectly the other day in a way that I liked. I made the mistake of starting smoking, and I had to fix it. Because even though I like it, it is a mistake and it is extremely dangerous. Which you know as a smoker but you ignore anyway, part of which is because of the extreme addicting aspects of it. It blinds you regardless of side effects. Which let me list some so you can grasp what I would deal with to smoke:

  1. Dulled smell 
  2. Dulled Taste
  3. I smelled
  4. My breath was horrid
  5. Nausea in the morning
  6. Frequent diarrhea
  7. Coughing up nasty hard phlegm every morning
  8. Constant clearing of my throat
  9. The feeling of being winded
  10. Higher intake of oxygen, making you breath smaller when not smoking
  11. Mouth sores from the nicotine
  12. Teeth discoloration(fixed this as well with a dentist prescribed whiting tray)
  13. Habits of smoking right after using the bathroom, midway through a movie, on the phone, at a bus stop, after getting off a bus, after eating, before eating, 2 before a workout, 1 right after, waking up, going to sleep, the list goes on with this one.
  14. Upset stomach often
  15. Curbed appetite.
  16. House smelled
  17. Clothes smelled
  19. 300$ a month to smoke

So these are just some of the things I overlooked to smoke, because without being able to drink, smoke pot, etc, I felt like it was my only edge left. The only thing that made me sociably acceptable when out with friends. Yes I may not drink but I go on smoke breaks.

But I get afraid that without the cigarettes the results won’t be as good from working out. I know it sounds counter-intuitive but it would yield faster results due to not being as hungry. But I couldn’t push as hard, and why get into shape to just be aesthetically pleasing. So this whole time I have just had to trust my workout, and know I will binge on some days, and crack here and there with food, but there is no rush. The first month is your body tightening without as much physical to show, the second month is more physical show, and the third month is a huge step. And after that, since I have a longer plan, I should be in amazing shape, and feel soo much better. It really comes down to trusting in the workout, trusting in your intake, and trusting in a better life style. “Trust the workout” is my mantra.

And to reiterate, it was my mistake to start, so I must take action to fix it.(even though I think smoking has sex appeal and I enjoy it, I get so pissed that we allow them to be sold even as a smoker, because I know what I am struggling with, and wish others didn’t have to ever do this. And I wish people understood how hard it is to quit smoking, it is as addictive if not more than other drugs because it is allowed to be incorporated into every part of our lives, not only associating it with the basics but with who we are.) And this time around I feel great about it. I feel empowered. I don’t want to smoke. I want to hike, i want to breath fresh air, I want to smell the beach, I want to inhale big for fresh crisp air, not a drag of a cigarette. I have been able to make the act of smoking seem bad in my head vs something I miss this time around.

I also made my own workout routine this time, combining aspects from Crossfit, p90x, and Insanity. It is high intensity but very doable everyday. I look forward to it. 

That mixed with the food I am eating, when I do break my diet, it is on healthy items, as I don’t own junk food in my house. So it is better to bing on some almond milk and cereal than 12 bags of chips or candy. 

My stomach feels amazing too. I thought I might need to get scoped prior, I thought I was broken, but the cigarettes really had bad effects on me.

So what did I do differently this time around that has allowed me to get this far?

There isn’t a simple solution for everyone here but this has been working for me and I am trusting it fully. First and foremost, I did NOT seclude myself inside my house. I forced myself out of the house, into the fresh air, as often as possible, even if just for a simple daily walk to the supermarket. 

I had those moments where I would reach for a cigarette that didn’t exist, say when a phone call came in or I stepped outside or got off the subway, but instead of shunning that idea, I took a moment and breathed in as I might have had I smoked. I took in the fresh air instead of the burning smoke.

This alone was not the only thing that helped. I cleaned my entire apartment, washed every corner, every sheet, and began spending the money I would normally spend on cigarettes (250+$ a month) on healthy alternatives that could ease my mind, help with the clouded thoughts. I bought a green tea that helps boost metabolism since weight has always been a huge reason for my smoking. It is called Steaz teas and comes in great flavors. It is only 40 calories a can and comes to my door monthly for only a dollar a can on amazon. I have one everyday and love it. I looked at my food intake and changed it to be very healthy and realized, when i smoked because of the buffer it gave me metabolism wise I actually ate way more unhealthy and it cost me more. The food I buy and cook now actually costs me less and is way better for me! I bought tons of candles with different scents. My sense of smell has returned so strong that I have to be very careful I live in a pleasant environment. I may have even smoked because my sense of smell is so acute without cigarettes, that I wanted to dull the world around me to deal with my anxiety. But just knowing that helped as well.

I talked about it NON STOP with my Mom, Dad, friends, sister. Anyone who would listen I vented to. And I vented the same shit over and over. So be sure to pick someone who won’t mind listening to a broken record. I talked about the good things I now had to look forward to without smoking, such as waking up without being nauseous. It is also important to find someone who will not spout off the negatives of smoking to you too harshly. I get it, we get it, that is why we are trying to quit. We just need someone to listen to us and understand that quitting smoking is as hard as any drug or any addiction and should be treated as such. However there is nothing wrong with hearing it too. I was very humble to everyone telling them I might not make it and they needed to accept that. And as time goes on I feel more comfortable sharing and saying I am doing well. Because even though I am the first to write, talk, or yell, when it comes to this stuff I feel like if I jump the gun it is no longer me making the decision but my fear of failure infront of others. I still have that fear, but I gain confidence over it day by day.

I used to run away from nay sayers or factoid people, but I kept an open ear this time. I saw a friend go through Chemo who hasn’t smoke a day in their life, and I watched how strong she was with it, and I wondered if I could do that, and I decided probably not as well. Everytime I thought/think of smoking, I was able to twist it in a way that made it a negative in my life rather than a positive. I didn’t run from smoking circles, at first I did (need a few weeks) but then I embraced it and just rememebered if I were smoking, which I wanted to do, it wouldn’t be the same as it felt right then. I smoked a pack a day so that wouldn’t have been my first cigarette, that would have been my 20th, and if I smoked as much as they were, I would make myself sick as usual and not be able to just be in the moment and enjoy the surroundings. So I enjoyed the smell as an outsider rather than someone who had to join in. I made sure to bring my water bottle or a yogurt. Something to keep in my hands.

I continue to force myself out into situations that a cigarette would have given me the confidence to go to, but might now make me feel out of place at. I got there and I owned it. I owned the fact that I am not a big drinker, no longer smoked, and don’t do drugs, so technically one could point and laugh at the straight edge. But I didn’t care this time, well I did care, but I accepted myself. And through this acceptance and realization that I would be less likely to get the runs, wouldn’t throw off my stomach, get a cigarette hang over, and smell like crap when I got home, I was able to tackle one at a time, each place, each muscle memory moment that I would normally have a cigarette, and just tell it to go fuck itself. 

A big help for me was through hiking. I got to the top of the mountain on the crispest day in February and breathed in after running up the steep slope. I remember being a kid and running around outside, I remembered through sensory memory the good times, and that was enough to calm my mind, my body, and not to go overboard but my soul. It brought to me meditation which I cannot do in the generic definition of the word. I cannot sit and breath, I cannot relax and ponder with empty thoughts, I need motion, I need challenge, and the challenge of that mountain, the fresh air it brought into my lungs allowed me to have that moment of meditation even if it wasn’t technical. And I am greatful.

I also notice the differences, such as when I smoked I always wrote negatively about it and how I wish it wasn’t there, and now a little over 2 months in I am writing with invigoration and positive outlook. I am proud of my health, my body, and what I can accomplish. And god I love to be able to sit through a movie without pausing and getting up. As I write this I still have cravings, I still want a cigarette, but mostly as a way to pass time in a day that is not as action packed as the others. I don’t actually want the cigarette, I just want to be doing something.

To keep moving, has helped me beyond belief. To stay busy, but to also remember that I love to take a moment, to think. Those 5 minute breaks every hour were great, but now I take them all at once through a workout for an hour in the morning, a 10 minute lunch with a delicious(now that I can taste) green tea, or a 5 minute walk outside. Sometimes I will even just go to my smoking window and open it and look out, enjoying the breeze and world as I did when smoking. Kissing someone is amazing now, no more worries that I will taste like shit. Plus now I know what someone tastes like right away, i always worried if I met someone, then I quit smoking, maybe our chemistry would be different when I stopped and I wouldn’t like their taste.

I got over the clouded unable to think period of time extremely quickly this time around and I think it is because I forced my brain to do it. I forced myself to embrace all the habits I had but without a cigarette and learn how to do them all over. Turns out, I can do those situations with or without a cigarette. It is just scary sometimes to get there. It takes an open mind and a very active stance. 

But I am proud. And I will continue to be as I continue to struggle with the season changes, the different triggers, and the such. But instead of running, I will face it head on. I will challenge it as it appears. It is like when you get the jitters on stage, the shakes no one else can see, but you can feel trembling your whole body. If you tell those shakes to shake more, if you confront them and tell them, DO YOUR WORST, they tend to back down, and you stop shaking. I suppose this is the same. Except you need to force yourself to go back into the situations, you need to reprogram your life, because cigarettes are a lifestyle. 

So drink your coffee, you don’t just like it because of the cigarette, but maybe instead of bringing it to the office, wake up 5 minutes earlier and drink it outside on a park bench and enjoy the moment. Whatever you do, don’t give up, don’t worry if you feel defeated. Talk about it. It helps. Keep talking it out. And remember you will get irritable, but you can also control that as well. You just have to force a smile, it really does help.

Shit talk to me, I will be more than happy to share, talk, or listen to a vent. 🙂

Rambling now, so I will end this, but I wanted to write it down.

Good luck to everyone in the same boat. 

Last 2 days have sucked in my head.

I can’t see myself in the damn mirror last two days. I took pictures, and compared to the days before, nothing has changed… and maybe that is the problem.

I am in the third month now of my new routine and I know I just need to trust it, but with the battle with the cutting of my Klonopin and the no cigarettes, it is a lot to take in all at once. My head is a bit overwhelmed. I don’t want to lose weight this time, I want to get really really tight, really strong. My legs are like steel beams, but who gets to look at my legs and go ooo, everyone goes straight to the abs, and while I see it in my pictures and the right lighting, I sit down, and don’t want anyone to touch. If I lay back or stand up, go for it. This is not the same as with a trainer, but it isn’t that bad either, it is still very good results, I still run a 6 minute mile. But I am not getting as strong as fast. But that is OK I am in this for the long run, I will continue, I will show up everyday and do it. It is my main priority.

I however am forcing myself to go out, to do things that I wouldn’t think twice if I had a cigarette to hold onto for comfort. Cigarettes were kinda my baby blanket ever since my anxiety made it so a drink (the end all be all of social norms) became a foreign substance to me. The cigarettes made me fit in. And to be honest I don’t need to fit in, but I love attention. I have a unique look on life, not original or new, but unique, because I will write it out loud, say it out loud, or think it out loud at anytime, at any moment. 

I wish I had more impact on the world because I could share with them, my brain, nothing special, but normal enough where it might help. To know someone else has the same issues, happiness, problems, struggles… helps. 

And it helps me to hear from people who also have those brain patterns, those thoughts, concerns, life lessons. We are lonely by nature, but words make me feel safe. Which is ironic since I do not read. I read slow and my brain wants the ending faster than I can get to, so I won’t do it. It is agonizing for me. I read the same page 6 times to get the TRUE meaning, when in reality it is probably just a page of words that helpe the writer get to the next chapter. 

The cigarettes also dulled my senses to smells and memories around me. Sometimes it is hard to remember the past by a smell. So I am getting used to this new me, and i have a long journey still. 

I will write more about the smoking later but this was just a stream of consciousness I needed to get out.

What I have learned today after my workout.  A: My mirror needs to be cleaned. B: I have a girl ass

What I have learned today after my workout. 

A: My mirror needs to be cleaned.

B: I have a girl ass… seriously… WTF?!

Yeah society problems.

Yeah society problems.

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