Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Month: August 2009

Time well wasted.

I dunno if I am supposed to pretend I don’t feel like shit right now or not.

If I am supposed to not read into everything I see and hear.

If I should be the only one who can’t picture the end quite yet.

If I should be the only one who is not so disgusted by a face I remove it from site or a memory I push it from mind.

If I should post this on facebook, although irony would have it so anyway.

I dunno if I should feel like the first day I felt the word growing and trying to push its way out of my mouth, that word we dance around in our hearts, but instead a twisted version tearing me apart.

As if the butterfly’s grew wings of steel and are tearing at my insides to reveal, nothing, nothing more than a few weeks.

A few weeks that meant more than a memory long forgotten 2 and a half years ago.

A memory of sheep and strawberries and spongebob.

I don’t know if you are going to run.

I don’t know if it is because of what you heard or because to feel what i feel as well is scarier to be with than to have none.

I don’t know why I can’t just stfu, but the stupid part is, I don’t know if I am being stupid for understanding.

I don’t know if I am being stupid for having hope.

I don’t know if I am being a fool for just sitting and not standing.

I just don’t know if as the day goes on the things in your mind become worse or the same as before.

I don’t know if you still want me.

I don’t know if when you hear something in a movie that is stupid and cheesy if you think of me and not push it from mind.

I don’t know if this is doing damage.

I don’t know if it’s going to be the same.

I just don’t know.

But I am a fool, as I have stated before, a fool from a Shakespearean play. So I will, because my heart tells me too, just let time, have its way. Watching the world, seeing some truth, and making a gest here and there.

“It’s not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it.” -Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Time well wasted for now.

“Swallows” “Kisses” “Looks Deep into eyes” “hi”


The first one is when we WANT to kiss a girl. For the strangest reason I think we all have some sort of reflex that we HAVE to swallow before we want to go in for a kiss with a girl. Usually more in those first few dates where it is still not extremely natural and comfortable to just kiss them. Ya know the same period of time when you usually hold in your farts. God thank jesus I am done with that bullcrap, that hurts! I dunno if it was an age or the people I wated to date, but yeah that ended at around 23-24, and usually if it is uncomfortable for more than a day with someone, that is a red flag… Anyway side tracked. I think maybe it has to do with checking breath, or not wanting to be caught in what we want to be the perfect kiss and having to cut it short so not to drool on the girl.

I used to notice when a girl wanted to kiss me when I would hear her swallow when we were close. I then started to get self conscious about myself doing it. As if she would hear me and know what I was thinking or if I was actually JUST swallowing she would think I was thinking something I wasn’t AHHH! lol. IM NOT OCD!! I still notice it here and there but it isn’t really on the forefront of my mind anymore and I have actually stopped doing it as much. But when I was younger it was almost all the time! 🙂 So yeah either you are sitting there going, hahahahhaha I totally do that, or you think I’m nuts, either way I’m good with the outcome!

Second, is the thing I think EVERYONE has done once in their life right after kissing a girl or being really close to a girls face just kinda looking at one another.

What could this magical thing be? Something not magical at all, and I still don’t understand why we don’t crack up when we do it to one another. First we stare deeply into each others eyes usually one of us laying on the other. And sometimes after a kissing spree or just in a romantic moment, we say, in a whispery voice, “hi”…


Sigh… lol is it because all our blood has rushed to our pee pees and we can no longer understand how the structure of a conversation works anymore, forgetting we had spent the entire day/night with the person up until that point making it so we don’t have to start introductions again? I mean this one borders on the cute line/cheesy line/retarded in the head line/bad timing line/STALKER. But we all do it.
Shit I did it last night. And we both giggled when I said it and she said it back, and kissed again. I guess it is a super turn on! haha.

Random additional thought: The WORST is when you have a drippy nose and the person you are with wants to kiss for a longer period of time than you planned out for and you have to fight not snotting all over them and suffocating since they took your only form of breathing away from you forcing air into your nose pushing out your snots! ahhaa.

ANYWAY, for those like my mother who think I am giving out relationship advice haha, I am just recounting things that I think are fun to write out loud about versus just thinking it and since I am in a relationship at the moment, it sparks these thoughts as they happen. These are more of personal thoughts and if they apply to you cool if not okaley dokaley haha. I just wanted to share! 🙂 Sooo pfft!

The Tickle Kiss.

I am probably going to be tossed out of man society by giving up this “well kept secret”. But let me explain the move that for SOME REASON all guys think is the best icebreaker for a first kiss IN THE WORLD. And by ALL guys I include myself.

I call it the Tickle Kiss.

This is the move where you are awkwardly at a standstill with talking or the date has gone well really well and you are both kinda jonzin for a kiss, but you cannot get up enough courage just to be rico suave and lean in. You say, “Are you ticklish?”(in a very sinister and and before they get a chance to tell you, you begin to prod and poke looking for it. If you are lucky you find it. First you just do it once as a joke and you both smile. The girl is almost guaranteed to look at you back and say, “Don’t do that again” in a playful tone. This is when the guy will immediately go for the move. He will begin to tickle her until she is in uncontrollable spasm. This usually ends up with the guy overpowering the girl and them ending up in very close proximity or with him on top of her on the floor, on a couch, whatever the tickle gods have deemed necessary for him to continue tickling her as she tries to get away. So for the time being lets say it ends up with him over her on a couch and her leaned up against the armrest of one of the far sides of the couch when he stops tickling her. Now their eye meet, and they are close to each other, and BAM KISS!

This is like the fallback, goto, default, first kiss move to do for any first date where you just NEED TO but don’t know how.

There are a few exceptions though which makes for a dry evening and the guy usually taking a moral hit, but often guys will ask you the following questions and make some of these statements prior to the first date. Mind you these questions/statements seem innocent enough but they have a deeper meaning than you expected! Are you ticklish? Where are you ticklish? I’ll find out where you are ticklish! I’m gonna jump you and tickle you to death! (aka I am going to jump on top of you tickle you until we are so close, if we don’t kiss it just isn’t meant to be)

And if you are NOT ticklish oh man you have just made the guy go into panic mode! Not only can he not take over an argument or conversation by tickling you, which usually ends up with a kiss to make it better, but he cannot make his first move with the Tickle Kiss.(way to fuck that up ladies!)

What still confuses me, is the GIRLS ALWAYS ACT AS IF THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED. As if they are not onto our little device for kiss timez! We kiss them after the tickle kiss and when we pull away the girl AND the guy say the same thing, “Oh I’m sorry” with a wicked grin on their faces, acting as if they didn’t expect it. And then usually if all is kosher they kiss again. Now I am not saying these are not amazing moments of goodness but it is still fun to think about how it all plays out. I guess sometimes we just NEED to really have those moments of cheese to make the days go by. So bring on some more cheese I say!


Gareth Cales

Gareth Cales

Ok, yeah. It’s true.
August 28, 2009 at 4:32pm ·
Theik Smith

Theik Smith

August 28, 2009 at 4:37pm ·
Alexander Brazie

Alexander Brazie

It’s just an excuse to get close. At which point, things take care of themselves.
August 28, 2009 at 4:41pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

that is SOOO not what you just typed to me in chat! lol
August 28, 2009 at 4:41pm ·
Jun Falkenstein

Jun Falkenstein

That kinda works only AFTER a few first real nice kisses. I would want a first kiss with a guy to be more sweet/romantic rather than me throwing up/punching the guy because I’m being tickled. Which is NOT romantic.
August 28, 2009 at 5:17pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Ur such a downer Jun.
August 28, 2009 at 5:17pm ·
Jun Falkenstein

Jun Falkenstein

August 28, 2009 at 5:17pm ·
Jun Falkenstein

Jun Falkenstein

OK not, just more of a softie and romantic.
August 28, 2009 at 5:18pm ·
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Realist means ur gonna get punched and kissed after being tickled! 🙂
August 28, 2009 at 5:18pm ·
Jenna McKinney

Jenna McKinney

lmao wooooow
August 28, 2009 at 6:27pm ·
Rosemary Pope-Wallin

Rosemary Pope-Wallin

what? All of a sudden you are Emily Post Relationship Advice man??? The tickle ploy is a clear see-thru attempt! Primitive at best! LOL!
August 28, 2009 at 6:34pm ·
Tristan G Pope

August 28, 2009 at 7:10pm ·
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

Shit. Forgot to tell you that I signed for a package for you today– it was from the “Man Society.” Unless it’s some underworld gay thing, methinks your man-license was revoked. You can put the rejection letter next to your NRA card…
August 28, 2009 at 8:03pm ·

Gina Pope Moore

Gina Pope Moore

The tickle gods? Lovin’ it! Been a loooong time since I’ve been in a tickle kiss situation. Hilarious to read about it now, as you describe it, which is of course right on the money. The things you observe and think to write about are indeed entertaining.

Love is scary.

So it is a strange thing to feel this way about another person.

There is so much of the equation you will never know because in the end you are both two different people with different thoughts and minds.

But when it feels right there is something to it that makes you think you can read their mind and them you.

But I think the scariest thing is something that happened recently, watching her put away my laundry, feeling sick, and completely out of it, yet I sat in the bed and watched her. And with everything playing against the situation and an increasingly upset stomach on my end as well, I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to ever have to.

And I think that is where it becomes scary to feel this strongly for someone. When you realize, wow, if they leave, die, or just turn into jerk faces, it is going to hurt.

But I have always gone into relationships with my heart of my sleeve and figured hey, if they punch it, oh well, I will bleed a bit and get back out there. So I will not do it any differently here, but it just feels soo much more intense.

Plus you wonder, does it just happen like this? Have I found that person? It is something we all want but when faced with the reality of it, it is freakin scary.

Instead of thinking a year into the future with random thoughts of “If it works” my brain has already played out 30 years from now. At least I haven’t considered dying next to her yet, although I have considered where I would retire and how that would be. Lol. Dammit so probably like 50 years in the future! BY THE WAY YOU ALL DO IT so don’t deny it lol. It isn’t me sitting in my room contemplating it for hours it is fleeting quick thoughts that flash by as quickly as you blink.

We are still in the moments where we spend a better half of a day in bed just staring at each other and making witty banter. Then we realize our day is gone and we rush to do normal everyday things. But somehow, and I am yet to figure this one out yet, we fit in a WHOLE lot of substance to our conversations and days even if it feels rushed at the end after we sat in bed all day.

So what am I saying exactly? Nothing specific, just recounting a moment of thought, probably not as well as I could being as I had it last night and wrote myself a note to remember cause I wanted to sleep. But oh well, I wanted to write about it anyway.

I really am so excited to get her to NYC with me. I want to share a part of me that is extremely revealing of who I am. I want it to be months from now when my brain and my emotions can agree upon a decision to love. NYC isn’t that moment but it shows a passage of time when we finally go, so it makes an example of what it is, not how it will happen. I also want to experience the romance of NYC with someone I love as well. I always found it to be the most romantic cities in the world. (well until I went to Paris and saw their mood lighting on the streets and bridges at night)

I feel a little bit like my big sister right now, because she always seemed to jump into relationships heart first, and I feel like I should be confiding in her for advice on when it is OK to let it just BE that way, but at the same time, me and my sister differ very much in relationships and how we approach them 🙂

As of right now I am excited for moments like this weekend when we plan on getting out of bed, going and doing something fun together. Just planning a day where we are away from our lives but in each other’s is nice.

I finally got to see her in the chair for a fleeting moment last night.

I realized that I wish I had more lighting like my room around the house; it is very much a thing that my sister used to do. Her houses were always warm and inviting. I try to emulate that the best I can, which usually means I wait until she gets here to help me decorate! Haha.

I woke up to her toothbrush next to mine. It was warming.

Anyway, that is all for now.

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