Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Month: June 2009

Are we all that important to one another?

Have you ever waited for the phone to ring? Have you ever just waited in general, even if you didn’t know the person more than a conversation or a glance, for the next time you could be in the same place at the same time. Where your brains both focused on each other and the words flowed from inspiration instilled by the other person.

I and any of my ex girlfriends will tell you I will not jump into “girlfriend boyfriend” status fast and I expect to know a whole lot about a person before I can see taking that step. It isn’t that I am afraid of a relationship it is that I am one of those rare few who actually thinks the title of girlfriend or boyfriend is important. And if I am going to take that step of commitment to the other person I want to make sure I am invested.

That is where I think I either hit or miss. I treat the dating in the beginning as a different animal. I look to find out as much as possible when I am talking to someone. I want to know that the person on the other end of the phone or in front of my face is able to give me who they are, unabated without the need for a title to open up. This usually ends up poorly for me, because I find that not many people are willing to build their walls from the ground up. They go in with a castle fully defended ready for battle. So by the time my words and personality shine through their wall breaking into who they are, my walls have built up around me to shelter me from the empty feeling I got back. And then it is nearly impossible for me to be myself anymore because I expect my first impressions to continue.

Which I have to say are usually not too off, not in a pretentious way, but in the idea that people usually show their true colors with those walls up, because when you break them down, it just means they are down for you, not the people around them, as well as they have broken down the “relationship walls” so who is to say if they are acting differently to you than a friend or family member. I mean why do we even build “walls” in the first place? What is so scary about being hurt by someone not working out on a relationship level? Shouldn’t we be running head long into these situations so we can have as many as possible to find what we want as quickly as possible. For a cultural need of love it is amazing how many boundaries we put up from letting us get there.

I think of love as a starting point, not the end. When you find love and maybe even marriage you are free of this stigma placed upon you at birth. You FOUND the holy grail, now you have a whole lot more to look forward to with this everlasting life without the need to squander the earth for love. So what will YOU do with eternity.

But I am off topic. What is it that causes that feeling in our stomach when we have an interaction with someone that feels right? What makes us pace back and forth, whether we admit it or not, or whether our life is busy enough to let it be more than a thought here or there? I think we all get it. I think we also have a tendency to try to make it go away so we don’t seem desperate or anxious. We all want to be “Cool”. But isn’t it cool to know that someone else is intriguing to you and you them. Shouldn’t we share those moments?

It reminds me of how I meet people I have dated or how I ask someone to the next step of a relationship. It has always been something very memorable. Not because I MUST have it as a special moment but because I am inspired to think about the time ahead of us as important and want to be able to perhaps one day look back on it and remember. A Polaroid in time. Something you flip through a scrap book when you are older and just you know the feeling it held for you. I don’t want to tell my kids, me and mommy met at a bar, and I was doing jello shots off her curves… I want it to be special to me and her. So I listen, I absorb, and trust me, we all have something that means something to us, as menial as it may be that makes for that perfect moment.

It is like the idea of digital cameras these days. They are so easily accessible that we often carry them and do not use them. Back in the days of my parents, to take a video it was a big ToDo, lights, microphones, heavy equipment and expensive film. So when Grandpa or dad busted out the camera as much as you may object you did it anyway because it was special.

And god those videos have emotion and raw truth to them. Because no one said, PUT THAT AWAY, or if they did it was shrugged off as funny.

I want to find someone in my life that agrees with the idea that a camera should be passed from hand to hand snapping times of life together. Not just a way to grab a point smile click shot, but a mini photo shoot in the middle of the street on the way to work. Where both people on each end of the camera can look back later and see who THEY were.

I want to be able to riffle through a box of old Polaroids with someone and show my kids how old I really am 馃檪

And I am off topic again.

I enjoy those moments when I sit antsy waiting for the next encounter where I can talk to someone that made an impression. I don’t expect anything more than a conversation. I guess I want to say I break the mold of “OMG I need to be with you, that is why I have butterflies until our next talk”. I just want to be able to share with someone who seems to be able to understand my musings and theirs inspire mine to keep going.

It seems to me that showing interest in someone or admitting to the feeling of butterflies defies your true intentions. It is as if you just gave the person an arrow for the bow they had strung. And dagnammit(yes I said that) they are gonna fire quickly. Why would they fire? Because you have just given them the advantage. They now control the situation because either they can agree they enjoy the time with you and even the playing field or shoot it as fast as possible to quell all odds of the dice roll when meeting someone. Just because I am interested in someone doesn’t mean we are good for each other. I base that first feeling on just that a feeling, an impression, an aura of their person. That doesn’t mean I know ANYTHING about them. But it does mean I want to find out. I want to be able to have that open conversation over and over where each time when we stop talking I feel more nervous stomach feelings, because it is working out. To get to the point where I would pursue someone, I need to at least have them open up and spend time with me and I with them. All I can say in the beginning is, wow you make me feel good. And that is good enough for me. But why should I hide it in a cat and mouse game? I won’t and I will dig my grave with many people this way, but I will not give up on the idea that eventually someone will be interested in kissing at the beginning of a date just to see if that chemistry is there instead of spending too much time of a small life guessing. At the same time there needs to be a balance rope of those moments and where you wait for the phone to ring.

I loved what my stepmother once said, where when I find the person I am meant to be with, it will be explosive, because after all this thought and all these ideas, if the other person has had half these thoughts too, the conversation should be freakin’ fireworks.

We do not need to assume everything about a person’s intentions if we are just living to share. There is no reason to be afraid of a conversation, because it may lead to happiness and if it doesn’t work out the way of “love” then we had a great conversation and that conversation helped to build us as people.

We are all so important to one another. The people we come across, the music we listen to, the moments we have, they are forever. As much as we may push forward to further careers, or to just enhance our daily lives with shit not boring, at the end of the day, the people around us are the real important part. They are what help us to be who we are, because we have something else to base our existence on. A movie I just watched said “The bravest people are those who are not afraid to stay still”.

This is a new idea to me. I am one of those people who wishes for the simpler life but knows I would need something to give me that monumental feeling of completeness in my mind to be able to stop pushing forward to enjoy that kind of life.

To go out into the woods and camp out on the hood of a car or sit in the sweltering heat with a person that makes me feel good that the sweat and the bugs are not a bother but a feeling. Side by side, staring blankly upward, but there together. No topic too small or big. I guess to find someone that understands when to be silent and when to chat nonstop would be nice. When to just BE in the moment and when to search for it.

I often reference Alabama type shit for those “moments” because I find they are the most relatable through pop culture or movies but I am a city boy at heart and I find the romance in a city to be truly amazing. The sidewalks, the graffiti, the random tree here or there, the parks, the busy streets filled with people, the food at 4 am. These all are places I picture adventures as well.

How I will find it, life still hasn’t told me. So it should be a fun ride.

Oh and the next person to say “FML”, I’m going to send you anthrax.

(FACEBOOK COMMENTS)

Jennifer Owings

Jennifer Owings

Its nice to hear you voice the vulnerabilities that I often feel in a new relationship. I think I often try to convince myself that men are selfish creatures and have no empathy for the things that “women go through” at the start of something new. Thanks for reminding me that it can be just as difficult for the other person : ).
June 21, 2009 at 10:08pm 路
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

The older you get, the harder it is to find someone who is willing to be uninhibited by their feelings… because with age comes more opportunities to be hurt, and thusly more fear of new relationships of “potential pain.”

[I had a long blurb here that I decided to delete on my thoughts. lol]

And, bro, you know I can hook you up with some spores! Benefit of living with someone in the microbial industry… haha

June 21, 2009 at 10:17pm 路
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

I think additionally and I can’t find a place for it so I will write it here, it is like drinking on a holiday till your face falls off or HAVING to have the perfect birthday experience. We put so much pressure or high needs for these days that are marked as special. And if we don’t end up puking or upset the next day we feel like it has been … See MoreFOREVER since we felt this way. What is wrong with the idea of, hey I wanna plaster my brain against a wall and hold onto a toilet tonight and JUST DOING IT that night, no need for a “Holiday”. Or why instead of planning the world for a birthday, you plan to relax and have those around you that are important. And play it by ear. Somehow this applies, setting the bar yadda yadda to what i just wrote… but like I said… dunno where so here is the comment.
June 21, 2009 at 10:20pm 路
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

“The older you get, the harder it is to find someone who is willing to be uninhibited by their feelings… because with age comes more opportunities to be hurt, and thusly more fear of new relationships of “potential pain.” And with the best intentions of the word, FUCK THAT. I am not saying don’t go with feelings, it is the idea of HURT… I mean… See More come on… life is too short to be HURT because Jimmy on the playground didn’t like you. Joey right next to him thought you were hot too. He just saw Jimmy get to ya first and so are you gonna let Jimmy through his asshole-ness ruin your chances with Joey. Hell no! I mean if I said, you can have a million dollars but only if you run up that hill in 3 minutes. WOULD YOU NOT RUN YOUR ASS OFF?!? Why should this differ in relationships. You could SPRAIN your ankle or not make it in 3 minutes which is pain on all levels, but you would be damned if you didn’t try. So for something so “SOUGHT after” as “Love” why wouldn’t you give it the same effor
June 21, 2009 at 10:24pm 路
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

Sometimes, people are just broken… I think it’s beneficial to meet someone as a new friend first, rather than as a potential partner. It removes the expectations of behaving in a “relationshippy” way– whether we like it or not, we are all programmed to behave in certain roles. Meeting someone with the intention to date automatically puts us … See Moreinto our “best face” zone.

If you want to find a “real” girl who is just herself all the time with you, meet someone to be your close comrade first… and then, once you know her inside and outside (figuratively, of course), it’s the right time to take it to a romantic level.

There is an ideal way of how things *should* be, and then human nature comes in and throws a curve ball… lol

June 21, 2009 at 10:29pm 路
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

Whilst (yup said whilst, btw that’s my new thing poiting out weird words I say) I agree friendship is super important I think you just summed up part of what I am talking about with the idea that there is a “WAY” for these things to play out. I treat you the same way I treat my mother, the same way I treat my friends etc etc. Whilst (hehe) there … See Moreare things that differ a little there is a core there that never changes. If you got me at the right moment I would tell you just as much as I would tell me dad who I have known my whole life. We never know how it will happen for that “special moment” where it all just plays out. The healthy thing is to try to just go with gut feelings at first and then quickly after dig deeper me thinks. I could be wrong 馃檪
June 21, 2009 at 10:39pm 路
Alexander Brazie

Alexander Brazie

This was an awesome discussion. Could use a great deal more vodka, though. Who’s down!?
June 21, 2009 at 11:01pm 路
Gina Pope Moore

Gina Pope Moore

Oy vey, haven’t thought seriously about this topic in years. Only partially tongue in cheek I’ll say (with authority since I am 46) that the pool of compatible mates becomes smaller as you age, thus increasing the difficulty of finding one. And yes, sometimes people are just broken. Then there are so many others who, for lack of a better term, … See Moreexhibit a strong prey drive, people who truly relish the game of cat and mouse you mentioned. I’d guess by varying degrees this is the norm, since we are animals and that’s how your basic animal is wired. However, there’s still a healthy percentage of people out there who are capable of being vulnerable and real, people who aren’t like hermit crabs moving into bigger and bigger castles with walls around them. And trite but true, sooner or later, they usually find each other.
June 22, 2009 at 3:12am 路
Gina Pope Moore

Gina Pope Moore

Jeez, that paragraph doesn’t hardly touch what I’d intended to say. So here goes just a little more: those folks who are busy wall builders, I would say that some of them can adapt and learn to be less guarded. I’ve seen it happen with several friends, and to an extent, to myself.

Also seems that time/age condenses what’s important to a … See Moreperson, so as you age, the things that matter to you most will take center stage, such things as a relationship which involves integrity and trust, compatibility, no cat and mouse crap. That famous Velveteen Rabbit quote just came to mind.

Also, I’m going to hang on to that movie quote.

June 22, 2009 at 3:29am 路
Tristan G Pope

Tristan G Pope

I think in many regards we get broken in different ways from past relationships gone wrong. We often are looking out for those things that pissed us off about other relations and when the new person does the opposite we notice it in more light than it should be. And those broken parts often make other features in people bigger and grander than they… See More should be. Making you miss the other parts that don’t work lending itself to you getting broken again.

So I suppose it takes the right tool to fix it all and be able to put all the nuts and bolts back in tightly so you can be yourself again. And that is the hard part.

June 22, 2009 at 10:31am 路

The de-pressurization of my brain.

I haven’t drank in many years. By drink I mean been drunk or even buzzed for that matter. At a certain point in my life my body chemistry changed and rejected all alcohol and illegal substances I put in my system by causing me to get a panic attack. Then when I was on a small medication for the panic attacks the medication battled it with depression. SOOOOO needless to say I stay away from alcohol pretty much all the time now. I am yet to be in a situation where I feel comfortable by the people around me to take the chance to really dive into it again. Someone who isn’t out to get smashed but just be there and alcohol is the pleasant company. Even explaining the above is difficult and I am sure will be read differently by all. Say “medication” anything and people freak out in all the wrong directions. Also say you don’t drink and you are an alcoholic specially if you try to back it up with “OH MAN DID I USED TO” lol..

Don’t get me wrong I can kick it like anyone else at a party, it just means I have less headaches and can drive home.

But I miss it. I miss the people, the situations, and the mental chill it would give me. Well today for the first time I actually drank enough to give me a semi hazey feel. The warm sensation before a buzz and WAY before being drunk, I guess my tolerance is shot to shit after many years of no drinking. I managed to slur a couple of sentences and get distracted by deep concentration on trivial things making me look like a complete dumb ass yet feel a familiar sensation inside that gave me comfort. The de-pressurization of my brain.

So after passing out when I got home, I woke up at around 12am hungry and decided to go to the supermarket. I was so hazy I actually took my time and enjoyed walking the aisles to get my shopping done, txting here and there as it was 12 am and the store was empty, no rush to get anything done or move out of the way.

I then made my way to the parking lot where the smells in the air and the sounds around me just brought me back to moments back home. And for some reason in California lately, there has been seasons. And right now it feels like spring/summer on the East coast with moist air and a stagnant gonna rain feel with a slight mist.

So with the mixture of these sensations with the old feeling of that pre-drunken haze, I decided to stand there for a bit and just soak it in. I remembered back to the times when me and my friends would make a diner run after a long night of drinking. I remember the tunnel vision is caused where the only important thing was “doing” and “eating” at the moment. The doing being with my friends and going out even though it was late. Mmmm the hot chocolate at the diner and cheese sticks!

This has all come at a strange time where me and my sis re-opened a website we had running when I was in college with all my friends from growing up and family members. It is just like it used to be except we all live in different places now. We all act like the kids we are and we don’t judge past a simple opportunity to make fun of each other.

So even in this completely different environment where I was shopping for my own groceries as an “adult” I felt like I was that kid going to the diner with my friends, although now on my own and mainly seeing them on this website.

But you take all of those together and it made for one hell of a night where I chose to just take my time, breath in the air, enjoy what I felt and saw, and then return home. The feeling dispersed rather quickly thereafter and now that I have finished some food I am loosing it more and more.

I hope sometime in the future I will figure out how to get that pressure release valve back in my life without causing turmoil with the rest of my body as drinking or the occasional joint would give me. Because what I realized most tonight, is I don’t ever just walk and be. I often get too caught up in needing to get it done.

You are like a bird, now STFU.

So we all know what Twitter is.

If you do not here is a wonderful flash animation to explain it to you in truth:
Wonderful Twitter Flash Animation, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN2HAroA12w

Now that that is out of the way, I want to bitch not about Twitter, because I actually use it to update 3 sites at one time and that is damn useful.

But for those who update the fucking thing over 10,000 times a day I still have no problem with you.

But for those who do ALL OF THE ABOVE and refuse to RESPOND to anyone and have 18712831893 followers because they are female or talk about boobs, those people, I want to die…

Kinda like this animation:
Wonderful Kill People who Twitter Animation, http://www.y8.com/animation/Facebook_Twitter

Now with that out of the way. Who the HELL are you TALKING TO and WHY if you are not going to interact with them if they respond to your TWEET?! And seriously, who gives a rotten shit if you are doing laundry or showering everyday, whilst this may be good for a boyfriend to know if he thinks you smell or might be dirty, if you do NOT tweet it should we be scared?!?

It isn’t even like you are self reflecting on your day. Last i checked txting on your phone was more of a “holy shit I want to tear my limbs from my body and beat the words into this stupid tiny ass keyboard or number keys” not “oh wow, this txt is bringing me insight and foresight on my life and those around me, how I wish I could txt and the time and forget the trivial things in my life!”

-End

Addition: not only is it a false sense of being heard. It is like when the cool kid signs on to a messenger, and ignores everyone unless it benefits them.
Now they have a third layer of protection against any type of interaction.

I am starting to believe or like more and more the idea of predetermined fate…

I think that predetermined fate, or moments that are in your life that feel as though you did a certain series of moves to get to, and they just magically fit a certain way is a bit true. The idea that your choices combines with the choices others made that day, all on the same time lines, will eventually collide.

However, I feel as though these moments and these rumbling feelings in your stomach and mind when it all just fits, are made by the more you interact with the world around you. They cannot just happen, and as much as predetermined is nice to think about, I think we also need to learn how to “bend time” to guide our time lines to those who will make us happiest. The hardest of all traits to learn one would have to believe, because everyday your mind resets, and every day you are tired upon waking, and everyday there is something to distract you from perhaps pushing where you needed to push.

To sit back and just BE, is one thing, but to push into the world beyond all defenses, perhaps mine would be, the internet. The idea that talking just over a block of text scares me. The idea that I feel that the FIRST date or one sit down to coffee, or one phone call, solidify-s to the person I am talking to who I am and if they wish to continue to talk to me, instead of leaving it up to the fate of a misinterpretation remark in writing, where you fingers must flutter faster than your thoughts to make amends but you only end up fighting your own thoughts, garbling your ideas, and finally throwing in the towel and being an ass. Perhaps this is where my push begins and I start to have more life lines cross my own and I too can feel the breathtaking feeling of fate. Of predetermined non objective movements all placing the pieces down on th table to form as the bus I will just miss on the way to work, when I cross the street.

Or perhaps I will need to miss the bus a few times before I get it right, and feel the angst of being late for work.

Let’s just hope the bus doesn’t hit me 馃槢

Watch the movie The Go-Getter to see a very happy version of this idea.

(FACEBOOK COMMENTS)

Holly Taylor

Holly Taylor

What about the movie “Sliding Doors”?
June 1, 2009 at 5:02am 路
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

Well, you seem to have inadvertently segregated this note into two separate thoughts. (Interesting, since I was planning on posting a similar note myself this week.)

1. I do believe that a pre-determined Fate of sorts exists. It’s easy to get restless in life when you distract yourself from what you know instinctively that you *should* be doing… See More… Like, you’re not pushing yourself in the direction you inherently know your life is supposed to go. There’s a cute little quip where someone says, “God, I know I’m supposed to win the lottery! Help me win it!” To which God replies, “Sure, I”ll help you, but purchase the damn lottery ticket first!”

Of course, it’s not actually talking about religion, but rather how we do have to help ourselves along our pre-determined Fate. This goes with yesterday’s note about life experiences… We gain experiences along the way to Fate that help us reach the ultimate goal. If we refuse to learn… or keep distracting ourselves… we end up “not

June 2, 2009 at 12:18am 路
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

pushing where you needed to push.”

2. Is it possible that a block of text is able to help us know people in ways that we couldn’t know someone in person? You know I’m full of closets of secrets (hehe), and very few people who know me in person realize this… but, for me, I can better define myself in a block of text to a stranger than when first meeting someone in person. I think we all want to share our vulnerable side… and text boxes make it less frightening. If I could recount the reactions I’ve gotten from people when I’ve disclosed my little closet of secrets to someone in person before online… *sigh*

That text box enables you to know a person more thoroughly than by just seeing someone’s prim and proper side in person…. See More

With that said, however, there does have to be a balance of interpersonal interaction… You can like the deep thoughts of a person’s mind, but totally not relate to the facade with which they present themselves to the world.

June 2, 2009 at 12:24am 路
Jennifer Smith

Jennifer Smith

… and I’d really hate to see what type of note would come of you watching the documentary “A Walk to Beautifull.” 馃槢
June 2, 2009 at 12:24am 路
Gene Pope

Gene Pope

ummm…. urp… excuse me I was eating a sanwich… was u saying anything/??
June 3, 2009 at 7:52pm 路
Jennifer Waite

Jennifer Waite

I think I believe in Fate…except when I don’t ;P It’s hard to know for sure, but I definitely believe in the impact we all have on our collective world and lives, even when we don’t realize it….very interesting 馃檪 And I enjoy your ‘blocks of text’…they give me a glimpse of your thoughts, somewhat unfiltered and spontaneous. Unless you’re … See Moresitting there editing it three times before you submit it, but hopefully not. It’s cathartic and social to get your thoughts and points of view heard by others… Who cares if you occasionally think you sound like an ass….every now and then you may also see brilliance.
June 3, 2009 at 11:29pm 路

The 2-5 year gap. CONFIRMED

See I love technology

TO A POINT

Then I get frustrated with it and miss the interaction

You know, the “tangible” beyond a keyboard interaction where the sound of the persons voice acts as the playlist of music playing on my itunes.

Explanation of title:
I am 25. anyone 23 and younger and as pointed out to me from a new buddy, usually a 5 year gap of time for more frequency, was born into the generation where AIM and TXTS made more sense. And even though the gap is soo little, we fight each other hard when we meet, and clash hard when it comes to ideas of interaction. I always get yelled at by people for saying, YOU ARE NOT THAT MUCH OLDER, but god that 2 – 5 year gap, feels like forever when it comes to this stuff.

I feel like my Dad probably felt when playing video games vs me, where I was the natural and he used to be but now had to learn it differently because his brain had required itself for the umpteenth time due to life.

I love it, bring on tomorrow!

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