I swear I am bi polar lately. I am either so happy I get sick to the stomach from hyper activeness or I am so upset I can’t even feel. I want to stand in a field and not do anything. I don’t know if it is because I am stressed, or possibly because I am fighting a pretty fun cold going around the office. What I do know is that this time as it is this exact time last year I had a girlfriend. One I cared a whole lot about. I invested a lot of my heart into it and unfortunately all that did was end up breaking her heart. I didn’t want to chance the girl of my life by holding back who I was, and I would never take it back, but now going through another year without those moments is strange. I am only 24 but I often feel like life is passing by very quickly. I am also scared, I have made smoking a huge part of my life and due to stresses at work when I try to quit it is hard to function and a day without my brain at work is like me calling in sick. My job pushes me every day and makes me not become stagnant and I want to push harder and harder but it is harder when you feel sick, have a strange bipolar thing going on, and the cigarettes are starting to affect your life and you just want to quit again. I do have a plan. I either plan to quit a week or two before my break I am taking for Christmas so the bad weeks I have time to myself or I plan to start a workout tin the new office and mid way try to quit and replace it with the workout. I just miss it when I go outside and see the stars or breath the air. I don’t take enough time for myself when I don’t smoke. Especially right after I quit it is almost like closing yourself off to the world.
So why am I opening up to the world? I dunno I just wish I knew the answers here. My dad seems to think I just need to take time for myself and go do something like get away or take a trip to NY, but I swear as much as I miss NY I want to make this my home and going home is a strange thing now. It is awesome but at the same time it is no longer where I live and I am investing my life, so I get anxious to come back. And lets just say my family is not the most relaxing of get aways lol, love them dearly though : )
I went through my photos I have taken over the years of myself, because to be honest I can’t see myself without a picture and even then I have my own vision, but I went through and grabbed one from each album and made a timeline to sort of document my life and how I am now. It has helped me see myself in different lights, it also helps to show people so they can see where I have been and what I am now. I sometimes worry about my current weight although I am doing MUCH better than around this time last year. The desk job rocked me hard when I first got here.
So what does this all mean? It means I have issues like everyone else, and I guess it helps me to share it to myself and then hopefully whoever reads it can see where I am as well. It is important to me that I hold onto who I am, and lately it has been strange feeling out of control of my own body with this strange sick/depressed feeling. A solution to come I hope : ) or at least a way to work at it. I dealt with the huge change in my life when I started to get panic attacks and it left me scared and crying for a year, I can deal with my new issues in California with a job I love and finding new people to love and love me back.
The fires scared me. I wore shoes rather than sandals for the entire time in case I had to help or help myself. These strange disasters follow me around. First it was 911 and then here. I can’t wait till I get my new camera. I am looking forward to capturing the world the way I see it. I think perhaps that will be a good way to do other things than work and sleep.
Trust me this isn’t a cry for help or a bitch session. I am happy I just need to convince my head it’s true.