Lost in Txtlation

These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

Month: October 2007

I must be starting my period.

I swear I am bi polar lately. I am either so happy I get sick to the stomach from hyper activeness or I am so upset I can’t even feel. I want to stand in a field and not do anything. I don’t know if it is because I am stressed, or possibly because I am fighting a pretty fun cold going around the office. What I do know is that this time as it is this exact time last year I had a girlfriend. One I cared a whole lot about. I invested a lot of my heart into it and unfortunately all that did was end up breaking her heart. I didn’t want to chance the girl of my life by holding back who I was, and I would never take it back, but now going through another year without those moments is strange. I am only 24 but I often feel like life is passing by very quickly. I am also scared, I have made smoking a huge part of my life and due to stresses at work when I try to quit it is hard to function and a day without my brain at work is like me calling in sick. My job pushes me every day and makes me not become stagnant and I want to push harder and harder but it is harder when you feel sick, have a strange bipolar thing going on, and the cigarettes are starting to affect your life and you just want to quit again. I do have a plan. I either plan to quit a week or two before my break I am taking for Christmas so the bad weeks I have time to myself or I plan to start a workout tin the new office and mid way try to quit and replace it with the workout. I just miss it when I go outside and see the stars or breath the air. I don’t take enough time for myself when I don’t smoke. Especially right after I quit it is almost like closing yourself off to the world.

So why am I opening up to the world? I dunno I just wish I knew the answers here. My dad seems to think I just need to take time for myself and go do something like get away or take a trip to NY, but I swear as much as I miss NY I want to make this my home and going home is a strange thing now. It is awesome but at the same time it is no longer where I live and I am investing my life, so I get anxious to come back. And lets just say my family is not the most relaxing of get aways lol, love them dearly though : )
I went through my photos I have taken over the years of myself, because to be honest I can’t see myself without a picture and even then I have my own vision, but I went through and grabbed one from each album and made a timeline to sort of document my life and how I am now. It has helped me see myself in different lights, it also helps to show people so they can see where I have been and what I am now. I sometimes worry about my current weight although I am doing MUCH better than around this time last year. The desk job rocked me hard when I first got here.
So what does this all mean? It means I have issues like everyone else, and I guess it helps me to share it to myself and then hopefully whoever reads it can see where I am as well. It is important to me that I hold onto who I am, and lately it has been strange feeling out of control of my own body with this strange sick/depressed feeling. A solution to come I hope : ) or at least a way to work at it. I dealt with the huge change in my life when I started to get panic attacks and it left me scared and crying for a year, I can deal with my new issues in California with a job I love and finding new people to love and love me back.
The fires scared me. I wore shoes rather than sandals for the entire time in case I had to help or help myself. These strange disasters follow me around. First it was 911 and then here. I can’t wait till I get my new camera. I am looking forward to capturing the world the way I see it. I think perhaps that will be a good way to do other things than work and sleep.

Trust me this isn’t a cry for help or a bitch session. I am happy I just need to convince my head it’s true.

Strange Coincidences

So I rented the movie next this weekend. It is about someone who can basically see into the future. With the mix of A nuke going off and the idea of impending doom or the world changing like for some reason I carry that idea with me as a strange burden, it was odd that I rednted this movie.

This week a few strange things occured:

I was very down because of the idea that it was fall and the weather was warm and I missed home weather. Well I call back home after we get this amazing streak of fall weather in CALIFORNIA and they are having 80 degree humid weather.

I then see a bulletin post from an old friend about black labs for adoption which is my favorite dog, and the same day someone mentions they have a black lab up for adoption, i still need to contact her to see why that was.

I reached out for help with things at work and help landed in my lap and allowed my brain access to things that have been cloudy for a while. Friends really helped me out.

I just txt messaged a friend who see’s some of the worlds future things the same as me and I figured since this movie I ended up renting after going out to actually rent otherwise I should get in touch with.

Then the kicker right after the movie I checked facebook and saw, ooo Tim a friend of mine was added to facebook by anotehr friend of mine. I need to go add him. And low and behold right there on his messages is my boss saying “hahahah first friend add even before Tristan!” it was surreal.

It is strange sometimes how my life is led by strings and sometimes these strings knot up with the world and paths begin to cross. As to why I am not sure yet. But I wonder what will happen next, I sit on the edge of my chair typing this with a shiver on my spine, the fact that my life has this tendency to show things that might otherwise be hidden to the naked eye makes me wonder what the plan is.

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